NationStates Jolt Archive

The Nation Of Ramzalia has now declared war on the Nation of Assor-Hu, for insulting our national animal!

River of Butterflies, a spokeswoman for the Benevolent Imperial Authority of Assor-Hu, comes to the podium at an international press conference.
"We, the Benevolent Empire of Assor-Hu, protest this sudden and strange attack on our nation! We never have and never will hold ill will toward the nation of Ramzalia, despite our ideological differences. We urge the leaders of Ramzalia to attend peace talks with our Emperor and Parliament at a location to be determined."

Like hell we will, Launxh those missles, move out the frount assalt force!

A bit harsh there Ram, but I can understand why you want to go to War. Nobody would insult a mole and get away with it! :evil:

With a look of bewilderment, Five Sparrows, another Ambassador of the Imperial Authority, says "When did we insult your animal? And if someone has, surely, you can't blame the entire nation of Assor-Hu for one errant remark? We call out to our brother nations: Help us! We have done nothing to deserve this!"

The Heavenly Dragon, Celestial Monarch of the Invincible Dominion, adresses the news of Ramzalia's attack on Assor-Hu with outrage. While reclining on a throne made of black jade and jewels, the Heavenly Dragon roars, unleashing a gout of flame!
"An outrage!" he roars, snapping his razor teeth in the direction of the cowering messenger. "An outrage! We must aid our allies! Dispatch forces to guard the border! We must not allow the Ramzalians to perpetrate this!"

On the Gla-Hu-Se Mountains, Assor-Hu's border, a force of Invincible Dominion troops, complete with infantry and tanks, arrives and entrenches in the P'gahu Pass, the major route into Assor-Hu.

(OOC: Place names provided by Assor-Hu)

I stand with Assor-Hu, one comment on your national animal is no reason to blow large chunks of a nation to dust

Punnunanngan Ro, a very opinionated and excitable political commentator of the Invincible Dominion, has his own show, the Ro Factor. On this show, Ro is outraged at the behavior of the Ramzalians, and offers them a challenge:
"We here in the Invincible Dominion are gonna' stand behind Assor-Hu, the nation of NightHawk is gonna' stand by Assor-Hu, countries from all over the globe are gonna' stand by Assor-Hu! I challenge you Ramzalians to continue this ridiculous war in the face of this opposition and see how much longer you can keep up your capitalist ways, eh?!"

The constitutionally peaceful nation of Ardchoille cannot understand how it would be possible to insult an animal as noble as the Red Stag. Nor can we believe that Assor-Hu, an admirable region with which we have exchanged ambassadors, would do anything so crass. Assor-Hu is noted for the extreme politeness of its international relations! Therefore we feel it advisable to make public a confidential note from our Ambassador to Assor-Hu: "Word in the markets is that unsubtle attempts are being made to undermine the reputation of Assor-Hu. I say 'unsubtle' because it is at the level of, 'Assor-Hu said the leaders/people/religion/national animals of Nation X are (fill in insult). Pass it on.' Of course no reasonable nation would take action on this flimsy basis without at least checking with Assor-Hu, but I guess this is the sort of thing Ardchoille should hear about; we might be next. -- Carrie."
Ardchoille would be happy to provide a neutral setting where this matter can be discussed. We would recommend Finnegan's Wake, a pub much patronised by our amiable co-president, Dicey Reilly.

We humbly beg a parley in this Finnegan's Wake pub. If the esteemed leaders of Ramzalia would join us in this establishment, the Emperor himself, as well as Broken Glass Sparrow, the Imperial Prime Minister, will be present to hold talks with our aggressors.
We would also like for the leaders, or representatives of said leaders, to be at these peace talks for our support, if possible. We in Assor-Hu understand that it may not be possible, especially for the Heavenly Dragon, who's size would be a factor.

"Nonsense," The Heavenly Dragon grumbles, reading Assor-Hu's press release. "Of course I'll fit in the pub. And if I don't, I'll sit outside!"

Dicey Reilly perched nervously on a stool at the counter in Finnegan's Wake. This was a new experience for her; Dicey was seldom nervous in a pub. It was a new experience for Finnegan's Wake, too; the pub was seldom empty for long when Dicey was there. But today there had been not even a trickle of regulars. One look they'd take, catch a glimpse of the Heavenly Dragon reclining comfortably along the rest of the counter, and off they'd go.
At a secluded table in the shadows, Orange Toad Climbs the Tree and his beautiful wife Snow Dances Downward bravely represented their beleaguered nation, Assor-Hu. The ambassadorial pair weren't all that comfortable around the Heavenly Dragon, either, but they appreciated his support. Someone or something, some interest group, nation or twisted individual, was spreading rumours about their peaceful homeland -- rumours that had already led to what could have been a devastating attack by an angry Ramzalia. Luckily, the barrage had simply cleared the site for the proposed Five Hundred Flowers Dam, but Toad and Snow knew what it could have done to any populated area.
Dicey sighed. She wasn't one for this formal stuff, but since her esteemed co-president had borrowed the National Balloon and taken off in a huff, she was stuck with the job. Okay, problem one; loosen these guys up a bit and get 'em chatting . . .
"Anyone care to join me in Danny Boy?" she offered. "You know, 'Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling . . .'?"

The Emperor arrived, riding on a horse bedecked in ceremonial barding. Stepping delicately into the pub, he nodded in a friendly manner toward Orange Toad Climbs the Tree and Snow Dances Downward. He then proceeded towards the bar, bowing to the Heavenly Dragon, and offered his hand to President Reilly of Ardchoille.
"Many thanks, Esteemed President Reilly. Without your help," said the Emperor, then turning to the Dragon, "and the help of our colleague, the Heavenly Dragon, we could not have initiated these talks so quickly. Of this I am sure. I wonder when the Ramzalian representatives will arrive?"
Soon after came Broken Glass Sparrow, a pretty woman who was slightly shorter than everyone else, and a single bodyguard, one of Assor-Hu's famed Tiger Warriors, specially trained in the Heart Forest Academy of Arms.

"OH DANNY BOY!," roared the Heavenly Dragon, suddenly. "THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE CALLING! FROM GLEN TO GLEN, AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE!"

The Temp. Military Dictator Fernado Gomez, Arrives atop a tank in his usual flamboyant fashion. and bursts in to the pub.

"6 rounds of wiskey, and make it quick, I haven't much time."

The Emperor rises to his feet and bows deeply to Fernando Gomez.
"Dictator Gomez," he begins, face neutral, "welcome to our peace talks. Let us sit and discuss these developments, yes?"

Cithulu will offer its aid to Ramzalia, because of its generous donations to military funding.

Dicey was still recovering from the Heavenly Dragon's singing. "What a voice!" she breathed.
<<What a weapon!>> cut in the acerbic mental voice of the Presidential Cat, Bran. <<Pull yourself together, woman! Have you forgotten the old tales about the power of Dragonsong? How a Dragon can force any emotion he wishes on those who hear him sing?>>
<<Pity common-sense isn't an emotion, then,>> responded Dicey. <<Now leave me alone, I've gotta do something about this lot.>>
But, as she reached out to lay a placating hand on the Dictator's arm, another voice cut the tension.
"Six whiskeys it is," smiled the publican, Finnegan himself. "And for our noble songster, then -- My Lord, never will you or yours have to pay a single brass razoo for any drink in any pub in the whole of Ardchoille! Now, to cool that wonderful throat and celebrate our meeting, I beg you all to taste this; it's 100-year-old Glenfillan."

The Heavenly Dragon, preening from the dearth of compliments on his singing, grinned in a most unpleasantly toothy manner. Then, moving his head in the limited manner permitted by the environs, he said to Finnegan:
"Yes, I think I shall try this... Glenfillan is it? Excellent."

The Emperor, taking small polite sips of Glenfillan, thanked Finnegan and turned to the Dictator.
"Dictator Gomez, precisely who was it in Assor-Hu that you say insulted your national animal?"

The Emperor, taking small polite sips of Glenfillan, thanked Finnegan and turned to the Dictator.
"Dictator Gomez, precisely who was it in Assor-Hu that you say insulted your national animal?"

OOC: DOUBLE POST!!

Twas' a one of your local government orginzations, they sent us a letter telling us to repick a national animal, that ours was too "retarded". Of course the letter was promptly riped to shreads by our, passionate citizens.

The Emperor frowned quizzically.
"A government agency? 'Too retarded'?" he said, running a hand through his hair. "Do you have a copy of the letter?"

<<Just as we thought,>> Dicey sent to Bran. <<There's no way the Emperor's public service would write so directly. Someone's deliberately stirring up trouble for Assor-Hu.>>
<<Hang on, you idiot,>> hissed Bran. <<Wait and see what the Emperor says. See if you can learn a bit of diplomacy. Sometimes I think I must have offended the Goddess. Why else would the humans keep electing such nongs to the Co-Presidency?>>
<<Because we're the only ones stupid enough to take the job!>> she returned. <<Anyway, shuddup, he's going to say something.>>

After waiting a few moments and recieving no reply, the Emperor nodded and said"
"As I thought. You do not."
His formerly passive face took on a note of irritation.
"It is not in the manner of our leaders in Assor-Hu to come to important diplomatic procedures without the proper preparations. However, given that this is all rather sudden, I will overlook."
"Now, Dictator Gomez. There is this matter of a letter sent from an agency, unspecified by you, of my own Empire, leveling insult against your national animal.
"The stag is a strong, noble animal, with a fine countenance and great spirit. In the legends of the traditional Assor-Han religion, the stag is considered to be an incarnation of Su'ru-T'em, the Star of Warriors, First God of War and Strength of the Fourth Sky Host, and a symbol of good luck and strength. It is said that if a stag is seen during a child's birth, it is an omen of a life of good fortune.
"The color red, in Assor-Han tradition, is the color of life. The blood, that arbiter of life and health, is red. Fire is red, and it lives after its own fashion. Red is a color of good fortune and health. Red-haired children, few as they are in Assor-Hu, are blessed.
"Therefore, the people of Assor-Hu have nothing but respect for the Red Stag.
"There is the matter of the letter. You arrive, Dictator Gomez, without even a single copy of this document. You have not given us the name of the agency which sent you this document. You have not even really presented us with good evidence that this letter ever existed at all.
"It is my belief, Dictator Gomez, that you are attempting to give the world a good reason to destroy us. I cannot fathom why; we have never done wrong to your nation, and I had hoped that you would not do wrong to ours.
"Of course, if you can perhaps produce this letter, or a copy, I will forget your tardiness in the first place, and we can get down to real talks."
The Emperor took a deep breath and bowed slightly.
"This I humbly say to you, not as an Emperor, but as a man chosen to represent a nation he loves. No doubt, Dictator Gomez, you love your country?"

OOC: Bumpity-bump.

Bump.

OOC: So...Ramzalia...Are you going to keep this up? Or can I forget about it?

Finnegan edged his way through the crowd. "My, that man's a professional!" he whispered admiringly. "I've never heard so nasty a threat delivered so nicely."
"Threat?" repeated Dicey. "What threat?"
"Why, that bit about, "No doubt you love your country'. The intonation, the facial expressions . . . he's plainly saying, 'No doubt you love your country, so back off, mate, or you won't have one.' I mean, it's as plain as the nose on your face."
"Not to me," protested Dicey.
"Yeah . . . well . . .," said Finnegan, kindly. "Anyway, there's no doubt the military bloke understood it. Look at 'im, standing there with his mouth open. Totally flabbergasted. Can't think of a word to say."

The Nation Of Ramzalia has now declared war on the Nation of Assor-Hu, for insulting our national animal!

The Emperor looked over the broadcast and broke into sheer laughter. "Man I have seen some dumb reasons for going to war, you know the n00b wars. But this one takes the cake!" His aides joined in his laughter.