Lawn Ornaments
04-06-2004, 00:16
This is Reyna Wells, reporting live from te Presidential Press Conference in our nation's capital, Flamingo Central City.
Just three short days ago, government research scientist Linkovich Chomofsky of the Confederacy of Lawn Ornaments perfected the process of cloning human subjects. The grateful government thanked him by giving him a full retirement in a multi-million dollar mansion with a cleaning staff, 57 square yard pool, three hot tubs, complete sauna and massage parlor, free vacations to anywhere in the Confederacy of Lawn Ornaments, and six brand new cars, including a Bentley Continental GT, Hummer H2, and Ferrari Enzo.
The professor of biology’s findings have shown that a person can only be cloned once without damaging their genetic information, and a clone cannot be successfully cloned unless you want him to be missing vital organs.
President Tyson J. Snow gave this short speech this afternoon concerning the matter. “Citizens of Lawn Ornaments, we have all heard of the great findings of professor Linkovich Chomofsky, and we all have our doubts. I am here today to ensure that those doubts will turn into support. We have tested this theory on many willing subjects, mostly criminals who were given a shorter sentence, or moved to a more lenient facility. We have used this technology for the good of our country only, and we have safely contained the operation in a location not to be discussed at this time.
We deployed two undercover agents into the ring of underground arms manufacturing, and they have returned with the head of this illegal operation, Leonard Page. Using our surplus amount of intelligent engineers, Page’s knowledge of weaponry, and Professor Chomofsky’s technology, we have created neo-warfare technology. These weapons will be in use in approximately one year. In order to further fund government research, we will also be selling the aforementioned weapons to countries. This means that less of your money will be spent on research, and more of it can be used for educational funding, welfare, healthcare, and you will get to keep more of your hard earned wages. Allies of Lawn Ornaments will be given weapons as tokens of our appreciation. On behalf of myself and the entire government, thank you, and have a good evening.”
The government also released this link. If you would like to see the weapons, please go to this website. www.geocities.com/valhallaarms
Reyna Wells, reporting live. Back to you in the studio Beth and Francis.
Just three short days ago, government research scientist Linkovich Chomofsky of the Confederacy of Lawn Ornaments perfected the process of cloning human subjects. The grateful government thanked him by giving him a full retirement in a multi-million dollar mansion with a cleaning staff, 57 square yard pool, three hot tubs, complete sauna and massage parlor, free vacations to anywhere in the Confederacy of Lawn Ornaments, and six brand new cars, including a Bentley Continental GT, Hummer H2, and Ferrari Enzo.
The professor of biology’s findings have shown that a person can only be cloned once without damaging their genetic information, and a clone cannot be successfully cloned unless you want him to be missing vital organs.
President Tyson J. Snow gave this short speech this afternoon concerning the matter. “Citizens of Lawn Ornaments, we have all heard of the great findings of professor Linkovich Chomofsky, and we all have our doubts. I am here today to ensure that those doubts will turn into support. We have tested this theory on many willing subjects, mostly criminals who were given a shorter sentence, or moved to a more lenient facility. We have used this technology for the good of our country only, and we have safely contained the operation in a location not to be discussed at this time.
We deployed two undercover agents into the ring of underground arms manufacturing, and they have returned with the head of this illegal operation, Leonard Page. Using our surplus amount of intelligent engineers, Page’s knowledge of weaponry, and Professor Chomofsky’s technology, we have created neo-warfare technology. These weapons will be in use in approximately one year. In order to further fund government research, we will also be selling the aforementioned weapons to countries. This means that less of your money will be spent on research, and more of it can be used for educational funding, welfare, healthcare, and you will get to keep more of your hard earned wages. Allies of Lawn Ornaments will be given weapons as tokens of our appreciation. On behalf of myself and the entire government, thank you, and have a good evening.”
The government also released this link. If you would like to see the weapons, please go to this website. www.geocities.com/valhallaarms
Reyna Wells, reporting live. Back to you in the studio Beth and Francis.