NationStates Jolt Archive

High Supreme Major General Vratislav the forty-second of the Wadish people raced around the land on horseback, swinging his sword around excitedly and occasionally decpatiting one if his bodyguards. Shreaking like a little girl, he stops in a small village to scream incoherently at the people. Eventually, he gets bored, sentances somebody to death and moves on. There is something, however, that he is unaware of. Actually, there is plenty that he is unaware of. He has the IQ of a potato, thanks to years of imbreeding. But, there is now something sinister afoot...

Ug Ugson of the Ug group is plotting action. 'Ug,' he whispers in his hovel, 'Persecution Ug No rights Ug people being killed Ug KILL VRATISLAV Ug...'

On a day that will go down forever in histroy as tueday, Ug's soldiers charged at the rampaging Vratislav and were killed instantly. Howver, Ug had many more forces. In the southerly town of Gronklsnapppledygook, named by Vratislav the thirteenth, his forces take control of the market square and wait for the Vratislavian attack. However, the King (he changes his title on a semi-daily basis) has just declared war on a small chicken, ands is unaware of the goings on. Ug ventures further - he now holds the whole town.

One of Vratialsv's advisors hears the news. He leans forwards to inform the King, falls off his horse, gets up, and whispers in his ear. With a shriek, the King stabs him through with his sword, changes his title to Warlord, and declares martial law (as opposed to before, when only he was allowed to kill people at random). The Civil war had begun...

OOC: Basically, I need somebody to RP Ug's forces. I'll be Vratislav.

(OOC) Rofl. Very amusing. If you don't get anyone in a day I'll play Ug.

OOC: Cool. Check back here in at twelve tomorrow to see if I've got an Ug by then.

OOC: Oh! Pick ME! Please!

OOC: OK, you can be Ug!


IC: Vratislav charged across the land, his two-hundred troops (forty of which were dogs) following (not too closely) behind. The Warlord had dropped his sword, and was now swinging a boot high above his head by the lace. His advisors decloined to memntion the fact that they were in fact heading away from Ug's forces...

However, there was a military presence outside Gronklsnapppledygook. A hermit by the name of Tim the Boring, who believed in the divine right of kings/warlords/generals, had rasied a peasant rabble to attack Ug's men. Fifty men, thirty-seven women (including elderly relatives of some of Ug's trrops) and a cockeral were preparing to attack Gronklsnapppledygook. They were armed with pitchforks, rolling pins, clods of 'mire' and a small grain of chicken feed...

Ug Ordered the Thirty Seventh Cat Beaters Division to move forward to a small Hill named Vratislavsucks (It was named by Ug) and told them to Fire sacks of Doorknobs down on Vratislav's troops.
The Carnage was Terrible. Many Grannies lost their rolling pins as they were broken by the Doornknobs.
Tim the Boring's troops were then starteled by Emporer Huggies, an Emporer who was only recongnized by himself and his Leigons of 28 Cats, Rabbits and Ferrets. He charged, and swept away the Thirty- Seven Women, but were stopped by the Chicken. She (the Chicken), single-handedly ate four Cats, twelve Rabbits and six Ferrits. The Cat-Beaters, quickly reconzising their Nickname, swept down the hill, beating up the Cats and their other Allies, allowing Tim the Boring to escape the Battlefield.

The Battle of Vratislavsucks was over. Tim the Boring had been Defeated, but so had Emporer Huggies, an Ally of Ug. Obviously, Porlania had not given this much thought, although it could be a Mouse typing this to deliberatly destroy Ug.

"This makes no sense!" Thought the casual Reader, as he vowed he would never clicked this Link again.

The Chicken proudly strutted from the battlefield, very much the hero of the hour. He crowed, very pleased with himself. It was a bad move - Emporer Vratislav and his reluctant men charged over the hill, and the insane leader dived on the chicken, gutting it with his teeth. He was then trampled by his horse, badly injured, and carried off back to his castle eating raw Chicken. The rest of his hundred-strong men faced Ug's forces and prepared to lay siege to Gronklsnapppledygook...

Ug had a cunning plan. He had noticed that the Chicken was actually a Cockrel, and impersonated one by crowing. Emporer Vratislav (he changed his Title again) immediatly jumped off his horse and started Hacking at the dead Cockrel, meaning that without discipline, his troops started eating their Horses because there had been a great Famine when Vratislav killed all the Peasents who produced food when one of them forgot that he had changed his Title to Field Marshall in the last Thirty Seconds.
Without Horses, Lord Vratislav (Title Change) and his troops could not defend the Doorknob blows, quickly allowing Ug the upper hand.

OOC: Cool, a Midieval RP.....

TAG

:)

Can I RP the chicken/cockrel.

[Reincarnated by medeval witches]

OOC: Okay then, go nuts!

IC: General-Less-Than-Vratislav (the new title for Generals after Vratislav briefly became General) Paul Thorborrup was swift to assume command of Vratislav's forces, and had many men flogged for eating their horses. He then ordered the floggers to flog themselves for harming their own troops. Lastly, he ordered himself flogged for ordering the flogging of his own troops. The weary army then started to shout propaganda at the twonsfolk, but their throat-mikes were faulty and nobody heard them.

General-Less-Than-Vratislav's troops heard a massive flapping sound as the cockrel decended from the sky.

It had been re-incarnated by a group of witches as they had felt sorry for it. They had, however, been unable to find its head and so, and so it would have to live without it. To help it protect itself, howeever, they had placed a sharp rock in place of its head.

The Headless Cockrel (http://www.diac.com/~ekwall2/info/mike.jpg)

God saw the scene below him and laughed his butt off. Crap, I must have been more drunk than I remembered when I created these things...

ooc: can i be some random character that i make up? :D

OOC: Sure, the more the merrier!

IC: The troops besieging the town were astonished when, completely unpredicted, nothing happened. This shocked them, and cost them valuable seconds to check their bearing. The event wwhich had failed to be had been such a bolt form the blue that nobody had a clue who was in charge any more. Disarray was among the troops...

The troops heads turned as the cockrel walked passed. The witches made it so that it greww bigger. The cockrel, now about the size of a cow, was pecking madly at the ground. It could not eat as it had no head but the sharp rock was becoming quite a saftey hazzard.

Ug Attacked! The Thirty-Seventh Cat Beaters swept down to Grand Duke Vladislav, hitting over the head with Doorknobs anything is Sight.
Ug then launced his Secret Weapon. On Vratislavsucks Hill, his men started doing Cubic and Quadratic Equations on a blackboard! Vratislav was Astounded as his men Retreated in Droves.

From the forests near the village Gronklsnapppledygook came a band of what seemed to be naked happy people. Quite coincidentally, their official designation was the Naked Happy People. Their leader tossed a coin and made the announcement that they would fight for Vradislav. Thus the group pranced and flitted their way to the battlefield. Seeing the deadly Ug offensive on the hill, courageously, they skipped their way up, ignoring all perils to personal safety.

"WHEEEE!!!" was their battle-cry. When the whole group did it, it became an incessant high-pitched hum that pierced the air. The chalk in the hands of the Ug soldiers shattered into pieces at the force of the resonant frequency. Disarmed, they ran helter-skelter down the hill as more Naked Happy People tried to jump on them and hug them.

OOC:Can I use Agent Smiths carryng spears?

Before Ug's men had any time to react, the cockrell which was know about the same size as a small hut had decended on the hill. IT was mad wiht hunger and started pecking madly at UG's troops. However, as it had a sharp pointy rock for its head, it caused UGs bewildered troops to loose concentration for a while.

Ug ordered the 37th Cat Beaters to Retreat to a Chicken Coop in the Outskirts of the Town, while his Elite Slaves along with the Ugish Artillery held up the Line. The Artillery fired Pants and T-Shirts at the Naked Happy People while the Slaves built a Human wall out of themselves.
The Elelventh Random People consisted of Ug's best non-slave force. It was made up of all the Native Mole-rats in the Reigon, along with Twenty-Six of Emporer Huggins' Cats. They had turned up early for the battle, so they went to Mc Donalds for the day and Contracted food poisoning, seriously hampering their ability to battle.
But, even though they had Food Poisoning, they still came to fight Vratislav, the Headless Cockrel, and the Naked Happy People while they were throwing up on the Slave Wall.

OOC: Okay, bring on the agent smith's!

IC:Following the confusion caused by the Naked Happy People, Vratislav charged! The Tyrant was back on the battlefield, whirling his sword around his head and slashing violently at anything that moved! His depleted troops rode virtually unopposed into the town center, wheere the Cat beaters lay waiting for them. Vratislav screamed, and ran solo at them, hacking away at their scattered limbs and dirbbling on anybody who came close enough. He was like a mad, schizophrenic, incontinent whirlwind...

Ug appeared!

"KILL VRATISLAV UG!" He Screamed. He then took the severed head of the Cockrel, and lunged at Vratislav.

Vratislav spun round, and in one movement, ate the severed head of the cockeral. Enraged at losing it's head, the Giant Cockeral charged towards the battlefield. Meanwhile, Vratislav and Ug were locked in combat, Ug using his sword and Vratislav using whatever the hell he could get his hands on.

Ug Started throwig slaves at Vratislav, trying to disorientate his Enemy.

Vratislav grabbed a flying slave by the neck, flinging him from sidce to side like a dog with a bone. He threw the poor enslaved peasant down onto the floor and started to hack at him ravenously with his sword. Both sides stopped fighting to watch as the Tyrant hacked away more and more and the slave became increasingly mutilated. Eventually, an advisor (at the cost of his own life) was able to coax Vratislav away and put him on board a raft going downriver.

"UG WIN! UG HUNGRY!"

And with that, Ug went to the local Mc Donalds to eat.

On the river, Vratislav's advisors were in trouble. The Grand Duke Vratislav was the only one who could swim, and he was at present trying to eat the raft, whichw as istting lower and lower in the waterline...

In the town, both sides seemed toh ave got bored, and were setting up camp on opposite sides of the town square, seemingly trying to lay siege to each other.

The cockrel was enraged and confused, it wanted its head and it was getting very big and very hungry. It went to the river and saved the lives of the The Grand Duke Vratislav's advisors. In return, The Grand Duke Vratislav fed the cockrel. It was now the size of a small plane.

In light of Vratislav's retreat, the Naked Happy People had no other choice but to retreat, as well. However, before they left, they managed to perform an outstanding gymnastic feat, where they climbed up on each other's backs, at the same time spelling out a very crude message and creating a massive moon.

Little did Vladislav know that about 20 spear totting smiths where waiting for him down river, Luckily for Vladislav they missed and only puncutered the boat, he swam to a near by pygmy river side village as 24 smiths where in hot pursuit.

Smiths: It is inevitalbe Mr.Vladislav!

Suddenly, a shadow passed over vladislavs face.

IT WAS THE TINY MANEATING FLY!!!

it shot past him, and promptly ate 5 of his advisors.
then, while flying away, it spotted the smiths.

it charged and hopped it could fit them all in its stomach which was .0002 milimeters wide.

The amry of smiths saw a little fly eat people and took out fly swatters and bug spray! DUm dum dum!

The pygmies of the village watched as Vratislav charged screaming at the Smiths. His sword clashed with the spear of the leading Smith, and they became locked in a power struggle. Who was strongest? beads of perpiration trickled down the determined Smith's face, whilst Vratislav stuck his tongue out and gurgled. The onlooking pygmies held their breath. Many of them fell unconscious as a result of this ill-advised activity. Eventually, Vratislav made a noise like a monkey and blew a raspberry. The Agent Smith couldn't help it. He burst into laughter and collapsed, at which point Vratislav clubbed him to death with his own sunglasses. Advisorless and enemyless, Vratislav then turned on the pygmies in a fit of rage. With no horse, he resorted to riding a short pygmy aroung the village, screaming at the pygmies to join his cause or die. Luckily, a search party arrived, and after a short scuffle, managed to convince the Queen (don't ask, he was dehydrated and disorientated) to return to his castle and regroup. Screaming obscenities at the ungrateful pygmies, Vratislav rode away, throwing a tactical nuclear weapon over his shoulder to get his revenge on those ungrateful short tossers. The resulting blast destroyed not only the village, but also most of Vratislav's Rear Guard and, for some reason nobody has ever figured out, Luton.

*bump*

Suddenly, out of the blue, the giant cockrel had a heart attack, fell to the ground on top of a happy naked person and never moved again.

High Priest Vratislav, briefly religious, saw this and took it as a sign that he would lose the battle with Ug. Because of this, he sent two hundred men to Ug's chicken coup. It was Vratislavian logic.

The Naked Happy People, having tired from their prancing and skipping saw the Giant Headless Cockrell fall over dead.

Mmmm...chicken..., they all thought as they rushed toward magnificent creation of poultry.