07-04-2004, 17:57
THE INTERNATIONAL PRESS
Tragic Lawnmower Accident Kills 63
An otherwise completely harmless gardening session became a bloody massacre last night in the Capital City of HPSauce. Apparently, homeowner and gardening enthusiast Terry McDuncan (53) had been working non-stop for 3 years to create a supercharged lawnmover capable of tackling the really tough patch of crab-grass at the back of his garden, "It started off as a waffle iron, but I kind of got carried away." McDuncan was quoted as saying in hospital this morning. Indeed the machine had become far more deadly than the standard mower, declaring itself to be "Lawnmowertrix the Powerful" and promptly grinding up the young man, his family and everyone else in a three block radius. Eventually however the local police managed to subdue the machine by reading it bad poetry until it exploded. The machine was subsequently sentanced to 5 years of community service which it is expected to serve working at the local Old people's home, as soon as it can be put back together.
Spring in their step citizens wilted by news of winter
Authorities were greatly shocked to discover the fate of young Mr. Arnold Schaffer (94) of North Cumberland, International Press when news reached their ears that he had, for the last 3 months, been pelted with "hailstones the size of small cats" from some unknown source, presumably the sky, or possibly God. Mr. Shaffer, who was discharged from a mental hospital last week, has alarmed many meteorologists, who had believed such weather conditions to be impossible at this time of year. Dr. Marvin von Theoryington has provided an answer however. His new thesis, which examines such phenomena, had this to say: "the seasons, as they are currently plotted, are falsely named, indeed thanks to slight innacuracies in carbon dating and the fact that my calendar is missing July, we're actually still in Winter, and will remain as such for another 6 months, after which we will encounter a new season, which I have decided to name 'Marvinary'". This revolutionary new scientific paper is making a lot of people reconsider the way our lives are planned out, wacko in the street Ted Dylan had this to say, "The government has known about this all along. It's just another part of their plan to totally control every sector of society! Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and make a new tinfoil hat."
Letters to The Editor
Sir,
It is quite obvious to me that our society is in clear moral decay. Young people would rather attend these new fangled Cinematograscopes than do wholesome honest things like singing the national anthem, or playing rugby. Therefore I would like to suggest a system of permanent whipping and/or military service for everyone under the age of 60. That should teach the devils.
Yours,
Colonel P. Abercrombe, Retired
While your point of view is interesting there are several socio-economic ramifications which you fail to take account of including (uh... Ted? You plan on finishing this at all? Ted?- Ed)
Sir,
Feel you have something to contribute? Be it an article, letter or poorly worded ransom note penned with the blood of your former victims The International Press will probably print it. We're that desperate.
Yours,
The International Press Staff
Um... why is this in the Letters to the Editor section? More to the point, why is it in this section for the second time? -Ed.
Tragic Lawnmower Accident Kills 63
An otherwise completely harmless gardening session became a bloody massacre last night in the Capital City of HPSauce. Apparently, homeowner and gardening enthusiast Terry McDuncan (53) had been working non-stop for 3 years to create a supercharged lawnmover capable of tackling the really tough patch of crab-grass at the back of his garden, "It started off as a waffle iron, but I kind of got carried away." McDuncan was quoted as saying in hospital this morning. Indeed the machine had become far more deadly than the standard mower, declaring itself to be "Lawnmowertrix the Powerful" and promptly grinding up the young man, his family and everyone else in a three block radius. Eventually however the local police managed to subdue the machine by reading it bad poetry until it exploded. The machine was subsequently sentanced to 5 years of community service which it is expected to serve working at the local Old people's home, as soon as it can be put back together.
Spring in their step citizens wilted by news of winter
Authorities were greatly shocked to discover the fate of young Mr. Arnold Schaffer (94) of North Cumberland, International Press when news reached their ears that he had, for the last 3 months, been pelted with "hailstones the size of small cats" from some unknown source, presumably the sky, or possibly God. Mr. Shaffer, who was discharged from a mental hospital last week, has alarmed many meteorologists, who had believed such weather conditions to be impossible at this time of year. Dr. Marvin von Theoryington has provided an answer however. His new thesis, which examines such phenomena, had this to say: "the seasons, as they are currently plotted, are falsely named, indeed thanks to slight innacuracies in carbon dating and the fact that my calendar is missing July, we're actually still in Winter, and will remain as such for another 6 months, after which we will encounter a new season, which I have decided to name 'Marvinary'". This revolutionary new scientific paper is making a lot of people reconsider the way our lives are planned out, wacko in the street Ted Dylan had this to say, "The government has known about this all along. It's just another part of their plan to totally control every sector of society! Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and make a new tinfoil hat."
Letters to The Editor
Sir,
It is quite obvious to me that our society is in clear moral decay. Young people would rather attend these new fangled Cinematograscopes than do wholesome honest things like singing the national anthem, or playing rugby. Therefore I would like to suggest a system of permanent whipping and/or military service for everyone under the age of 60. That should teach the devils.
Yours,
Colonel P. Abercrombe, Retired
While your point of view is interesting there are several socio-economic ramifications which you fail to take account of including (uh... Ted? You plan on finishing this at all? Ted?- Ed)
Sir,
Feel you have something to contribute? Be it an article, letter or poorly worded ransom note penned with the blood of your former victims The International Press will probably print it. We're that desperate.
Yours,
The International Press Staff
Um... why is this in the Letters to the Editor section? More to the point, why is it in this section for the second time? -Ed.