NationStates Jolt Archive

The Dominion of PAT 170 on the continent of Didjabringabeeralong has long had an economic stranglehold over our illustrious aristocratic nation. Ruthless cartels, Ninja Pirates, even trying to buy the throne of our House. The Vampires of the Kingdom of the House of Orlok have worked long and hard to rid our nation of this space pirate menace.

As our wealth and prestige grows by leaps and bounds, we issue a warning to the armies of PAT 170. Stay away from our lands, your kind is not welcome here. We have shown our superiority to your petty methods, and proven them to be a waste of our time. You do not have the strength to challenge us in any realm anymore, and if any further threats are made to us we will not hesistate to defend ourselves!

The Dominion of PAT 170 laughs at the pathetic efforts of Orlok to besmirch our good name. Our military buildup is only to protect ourselves from a nation of VAMPIRES on our borders. The House of Orlock proves its ignorence and foolishness by slurring our traditional profession of ninjapirate. As to the issue of buying your dirty little throne...we would not buy that filthy thing at a yard sale. We warn the House of Orlock against any rash actions due to the fact that our forces are far superior and we would surely crush you in a matter of days. Our military buildup will continue until you discontinue you vile bloodsucking ways!

Does the treachery of PAT 170 know no bounds? You try to take over our land and deal your way into our illustrious house, and then you not only deny this but insult us as well? How dare you!

Our "vile bloodsucking ways" as it has been called is a necessity for our lives. We deny any claims of our people attacking PAT 170 citizens, as we have our own banks of blood and human beings to use for our sustenance. We maintain a principle of honor and integrity despite this need for us to feast off of blood.

We also wish to point out the hypocrisy of PAT 170 in attacking our traditional ways. We maintain that piracy is a far more horrendous atrocity than anything we may have done.

Furthermore, it is PAT 170 that turned hostile to us first. We only mobilized our forces in response to your movements. We demand that your nation stands down immediately or we will deploy our newest weaponry to repel your armies.

We also extend a call to our allies in the region to assist us in stopping this tyranny of PAT 170 and her allies.

Does the treachery of PAT 170 know no bounds? You try to take over our land and deal your way into our illustrious house, and then you not only deny this but insult us as well? How dare you!

Our "vile bloodsucking ways" as it has been called is a necessity for our lives. We deny any claims of our people attacking PAT 170 citizens, as we have our own banks of blood and human beings to use for our sustenance. We maintain a principle of honor and integrity despite this need for us to feast off of blood.

We also wish to point out the hypocrisy of PAT 170 in attacking our traditional ways. We maintain that piracy is a far more horrendous atrocity than anything we may have done.

Furthermore, it is PAT 170 that turned hostile to us first. We only mobilized our forces in response to your movements. We demand that your nation stands down immediately or we will deploy our newest weaponry to repel your armies.

We also extend a call to our allies in the region to assist us in stopping this tyranny of PAT 170 and her allies.

Are you based on Necromunda?

OOC: Who is Necromunda? I didn't intend to be like anyone else, if it happened to be that way then it was by accident.

IC: *Drive up in our fancy black corvettes*

Our illustrious house greets the nation of Dimmimar and welcomes their ambassador with open arms. We bring fine wine and many exotic goods as gifts for a token of our good will.

We invite your diplomats to be our distinguished and most honored guests for a dinner tonight. We always accomodate our fellow nations and treat them well when they visit. We keep them safe from marauders and pirates, unlike other nations who let their criminals run free, and even run their government.

OOC: Who is Necromunda? I didn't intend to be like anyone else, if it happened to be that way then it was by accident.

IC: *Drive up in our fancy black corvettes*

Our illustrious house greets the nation of Dimmimar and welcomes their ambassador with open arms. We bring fine wine and many exotic goods as gifts for a token of our good will.

We invite your diplomats to be our distinguished and most honored guests for a dinner tonight. We always accomodate our fellow nations and treat them well when they visit. We keep them safe from marauders and pirates, unlike other nations who let their criminals run free, and even run their government.

OOC:
Orlok is the name of one of the Houses in Games Workshops game Necromunda.

I.C:

Why thank you. Such hospitality will be rewarded. Of course once we've
got over with another war we will be happy to aid you in your struggle.

You have permission to erect and Embassy in Lothrius[Dimmimaran capital].

Hernan von Mafried
Minister for Foreign Affairs

The whole world knows of the diplomatic friendship between The Dominion of PAT 170 and The Rouge Nation of Fell Hoppers dating back to PAT 170's creation during Fell Hoppers's war with Phylactoros. This is one of the two reasons that Fell Hoppers is standing beside PAT 170 in its conflice with The Kingdom of The House of Orlok.

Two days ago, we found a government agent trying to steal bodies from our televised daily sacrifices which were intended to go to a government approved cult of the Daisy people. This man, after working for this great country since it's founding, admitted under "convincing methods" that he was working for for The Kingdom of The House of Orlok since its inception.

We still hold him in custudy, where he is still subjected to these "convincing methods" to us about more activities for The House of Orlok.

OOC: That's interesting, I never knew the name House of Orlok was actually in a game. I got the name from watching Nosferatu (the original version), and they had renamed Count Dracula's name to Count Orlok. So I decided to make a vampiric nation inspired by this.

IC: We have just finished our dinner with Dimmimar, and for once were quite delighted with our guests. We consider it a great honor for our dinner guests to be worthy of our presence. This will go to show the barbarians of PAT 170 that we do not ALWAYS eat our human neighbors.

As for the accusations of Fell Hoppers, we deny any allegations of this "agent" that they have supposedly found. I suppose they would even go so far to say something to the effect of we were stealing humans to satisfy our "vile bloodsucking ways." These accusations are false. As for the "convincing methods," our nation is convinced that anyone would say any illogical statement that came to mind if it were to stop the horrendous pain that these "methods" were inflicting.

As such, our nation officially condemns these actions taken by Fell Hoppers, and deems their intelligence unreliable at best. They seem to have no other proof other than a man whom they have tormented nearly to death. Besides, would the illustrious vampires of the House of Orlok stoop to the level of petty thievery? Not only that, but from a senseless TV series that is the lowest rated show on our nation's broadcasting stations? Our citizens may be killers, but we kill only to eat, not for sport or for barbaric cults.

The betrayal of Fell Hoppers runs deep, and as such we are instituting a trade embargo on all goods (if any) exported by Fell Hoppers, and urge all nations of the world to do the same. Their atrocities must be ended.

The House of Orlok makes an additional demand that those government officials responsible for this conspiracy to usurp our ancient monarchy be extradited to our nation to stand trial.

Vampires versus Ninjapirates?
Taggity-tag! This I must see.

The whole world knows of the diplomatic friendship between The Dominion of PAT 170 and The Rouge Nation of Fell Hoppers dating back to PAT 170's creation during Fell Hoppers's war with Phylactoros. This is one of the two reasons that Fell Hoppers is standing beside PAT 170 in its conflice with The Kingdom of The House of Orlok.

Two days ago, we found a government agent trying to steal bodies from our televised daily sacrifices which were intended to go to a government approved cult of the Daisy people. This man, after working for this great country since it's founding, admitted under "convincing methods" that he was working for for The Kingdom of The House of Orlok since its inception.

We still hold him in custudy, where he is still subjected to these "convincing methods" to us about more activities for The House of Orlok.

Back off! I could take you and PAT 170 on!

After carefully considering our current diplomatic situation, we have decided to act in the manner that we feel is the most rational, thought out decision we could make.

We are gonna demand that Fell Hoppers release this "prisoner" to us for questioning. We have felt that it is hypocritical to criticize our methods when the government of Fell Hoppers is hiding things from the public view as well. At least with our nation, our "actions" are made known through our completely impartial and unbiased government controlled media. Any media group that says otherwise is of course put to death, but that is besides the point.

We also demand further proof of how our nation has infiltrated your nation and how you can side with filthy pirates such as those of PAT 170? For many years our nation has provided an economic and military shield for your nation to develop in whatever way it wishes. We of course only asked for a small price and undying loyalty to the illustrious House of Orlok. Your, "debt" to us was agreed upon and deemed fair by our vampiric court, and we feel you have no right to betray us after all we have done for you.

Your demand for the release of the prisoner is rejected, because we are receiving greater information from this agent. It is now known to us that The House of Orlok is attempting to assasinate General Kooper, the highest ranking solder in the Fell Hopper army, because of his superior blood type, that information also acquired by the spy in question.

Also, we're getting much pleasure watching this man go through the tourture he expericences. By forcing him to watch reruns of the American reality shows "The Simple Life" and "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance," his screams at night are amplified on loudspeakers during the day as a reminder to all Fell Hoppers that their nation is safe, and that they should not attempt to overthrow their government, nor help another government infiltrate it, either.

Our nation does not concur with your conclusions, and we claim that they are unfounded. However, we will say that General Kooper is perhaps one of the most despicable and dangerous men to have ever come from Fell Hoppers. So, based on these objective conclusions, we demand that he be exiled from Fell Hoppers and from the entirety of The Nether Realm, for security reasons of course. If our demands are not met within the allotted time which we will give at a later time, then we will have no other choice but to mobilize our military forces against Fell Hoppers and against any allies that may come to her aid.

We wish to stress that we wish to use military force or the threat of military force as a last resort only. The vampires of The House of Orlok wish to remain peaceful and work only for the greater good of all who reside in The Nether Realm.

However, when there are rogue nations and terrorists that threaten our borders, we must take whatever actions we feel are necessary for our national security. We can only hope that other nations in our region feel the same passionate love for their homeland and their safety as we do. Some have accused us, of being blind and ignorant fanaticists, but I think that it is an insult from terrorist nations that are afraid of our country's immense feelings of patriotism.

And in closing, our words still stand, and we will put forth the terms for surrender of General Kooper, and for sending our envoys and secret service over to Fell Hoppers to escort him out of the region.

Not only do we reject your demands concerning General Kooper's extradition, but he is ready to lead an army towards you in the name of Fell Hoppers and himself. General Kooper has shown his great leadership and loyalty, especially in the war with Phylactoros.

Further, our aim is to take control of the entire Kingdom of the House of Orlok should they continue their hostilities towards our closest ally, PAT 170.

We ask Fell Hoppers to reconsider their rash decrees. Clearly, the barbarians of PAT 170 have left you out to rot, which is not surprising of course. Who could trust anything from a nation who tries to look impressive with their silly little pirate flag toys :-P.

Until both of your nations agree to stand down and allow us to send our envoys in to have our demands met. We now, additionally, demand that the government of Fell Hoppers actually begin paying back all the debts and loans that they have taken out from us ever since they joined the Nether Realm.

We have provided cash, and raw materials for weapons manufacturing in order for them to be able to keep their tyranny up and to supress any nation from rising against The Undefeatable armies of The House or Orlok. Included also are those loudspeakers they leased from us to broadcast tortured screams to their nations.

We also have provided them with innovative new execution techniques. One such method is the Whirling Blade Gauntlet, where the condemned have to try to run through the hallway of the perpetual spinning blades, and anyone that is fortunate enough to make it out is promised freedom, then taken into the arena and shot 50 times over.

Of course, Fell Hoppers cannot forget our prized invention that we have lent to them. We like to call it The Banana Peeler, for obvious reasons of course, as both of our nations have clearly demonstrated.

So now, what does Fell Hoppers say when they have to pay us back for our superior oppresion technology? Commiting atrocities isn't free you know.

Our negotiators and accountants from The House of Orlok will be on the way to Fell Hoppers to negotiate the payment of their rather sizable debt. We demand that they be given safe passage into their lands and to be escorted to the largest of their 5 government palaces (the one that is used to hold the actual government proceedings).

Vampire scum! The Dominion of Pat 170 thanks its loyal allies, the Fell Hoppers, for its support of us against the undead aggresors. The House of Orloks evil bloodsucking ways must be stopped. Your rotting corpses cannot stand up to our elite ninjapirate army. The borders of Pat 170 are hereby closed to the House of Orlok and any weak allies it might purchase. Any bloodsucker ship found in Pat 170 territorial waters or international waters will be plundered and sunk.

Central Mainframe System access required
Commencing
Tactical Nuclear Strike upon Fell Hoppers and Pat 170
Commencing
350 at each nation
Commencing

E.T.A
5 hours and counting

OOC:
Those missiles will be called off if you submit to House of Orlok's requests...

If not then, prepare to be destroyed......

OOC: Easy there Dimmimar, we don't wanna use Nuclear Weapons in this war, besides, the war hasn't actually been declared yet

Please be patient :)

IC: We advise Dimmimar, as welcome as their efforts are and as much as we appreciate their generous support of their military, to wait for our order to strike. We feel there is no immediate need for violence just yet, and we are never the first to attack. Leave the actions of bad form for more petty dictators and theiving outlaws trying to become more than what they really are, because our nations have risen above those primitive urges :-P.

We will however ask that Dimmimar's standing army begin to mobilize in preparation to aid our troops should the need arise. Together, these minute nuisances will not have the ability to stand against our combined strength. Together we will bring order to the Nether Realm and all other areas which stand in our way.

Now, with boosted strength, we demand that Fell Hoppers begin payment of their overwhelming debt to The House of Orlok. Additionally, we request the unconditional surrender of PAT 170's most notorious and influencial officer, the Dreaded Captain Grif McFloorRyan. Him and his crew have been responsible for more atrocities against the House of Orlok than anyone else in the region. The sharpened peg leg that he carries around has in itself slain many a valiant vampire in our lands. We demand vengeance for our fallen bretheren, and shall much enjoy the feast that shall follow after his surrender!

Does the treachery of Orlok know no bounds? Hiring some tin pot dictatorship to threaten our nation with petty threats of nuclear attack. Dimmimar (with emphisis on the first syllable) shows its ignorent and foolish nature with its baseless threats. Any nuclear attack on Pat 170 or its allies will be met with an appropriate response. As to the matter of turning over our national hero and three time winner of the vampire beheading contest, Captain Grif McFloorryan, he will continue his activities along the Orlok coast.

Yes, using our citizens as sport is completely sickening and unbearable to listen to. When our nation would host our banquets serving the women, children, and military officers of your nation as our main courses, we would hunt only to kill. What a complete waste of time to go out and destroy the sanctity of life without the intent to either feast upon their corpse or invade someone else's land! At least us vampires, with our natural immortality, have taken the time to do things properly and with great efficiency.

From the words of our illustrious house, we vow that General Kooper and Captain Grif McFloorRyan will receive the justice that they deserve. We creatures of the night have our ways of, taking actions upon the words we speak!

Aliceanna Kooper walks into her husband's study of their North Booze mansion. "Hey, bitch. I wanna fuck!" she shouts at her husband.

"Not now," says the distinguished General, rubbing his shoulder wounds from the War of Phylactoros Aggression. On his desk lay twenty silver bullets, a gun, a Christian cross, and a garlic clove. He picks up the cross and examines it. "I have no idea what this is for other than to kill vampires with. Huh. Must be some satanic symbol."

"You guys seriously doing this?" Aliceanna replies. "You guys really going to war again?"

A big grin fell upon the General. "Yup. We goin' ta war."

The next day, General Kooper and his college roommate Lt. General Apple travel to a summit meeting to Port Koopers, the place named after his gandfather, to discuss the current situation with the Dictator and Admiral Kenmore. As the Dictator strokes his Australian Mist, he could sense a political power struggle in the army's two top men.

"Look," he says to General Apple. "I know I demoted you to Lt. General and promoted Kooper after the Phylactoros war, but I did what I felt was necessary. You two, settle this. NOW!

"As for our current situation, we have a huge military. I want to go into there and attack."

"No," says Admiral Kenmore. "I have a better idea." He turns toward General Kooper. "What we need is a garlic processing factory and the name of the farm where you got all that garlic."

Various members of the Orlok clan meet in their underground mansion...

"We have pulled the archives the history of the nation of Fell Hoppers," says the historian, Maximus von Orlok, "It appears their war with Phylactoros was devastating to both nations. Those filthy pirates were involved as well, but nothing really happened to them. Legend had it that General Kooper had once led a great army towards the borders of the Capital City of Tartarus."

"What are the reports of Phylactoros' abilities?" asks Duke Varinathas, minister of defense who also is the brother of the the Grand Emperor. "Also, how on earth are these degenerate folls able to even muster up another force?"

"Because WE gave them the money to do so." bellows Grand Emperor Nosferatu V, "Though we kept them as pets, it is our fault that they are able to create a new army."

"Yes, but they do not have our technology, nor will they be able to afford it after we cut them off. I mean look at them, their women sleep with men 3 times their age, plagues and sores run rampant throughout their nation, and their government is heavily influenced by a prostitution ring ran by an old lady! I mean, for Dracula's sake their capital city is named Booze! These "humans" dont even match up with the inferior intelligence of the ninjapirates. What threat are they to us?"

"They can team up with those criminals and overpower us with sheer numbers!" Screams High Commander Rathamar Raygor, "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups! Now, if you will all come with me, our military has plenty of ways to solve the, Booze problems if you will."

The towering figure of Grand Emperor Nosferatu V enters the military planning room...

"So tell me, how do you propose we deal with the problem of General Kooper?" he asks High Commander Raygor.

"We may not be able to dispatch him personally, but there are, others to whom he would not want to be hurt don't you think?" Raygor replies, "Our spies report he has several children, and a wife, and our assassins are the finest on this continent."

Grinning, the Grand Emperor replies, "Excellent, I wish for your men to prepare our finest vintage drinks in celebration after the proposed operation is carried out. But how do you propose we demoralize our other threat of the pirate scum vampire hunter?"

Baron Richtor von Orlok, a cousin of the Grand Emperor and head of Intelligence, walks over and suggests, "Perhaps we shall meet int he secret quarters to discuss this matter." With sinister smiles on their faces, the officials follow the Intelligence Minister downstairs to a series of subterranean tunnel systems...

As they arrive in a highly advanced looking facility-type place, the members of the government of Orlok continue to discuss their plans...

"As you know," Richtor von Orlok begins, "our intelligence indicates that the good Captain Grif McFloorRyan commands several great vessels in both the sea and in space. The Space-faring cruiser of the SS Filthy Whore and a destroyer, named the Irish Red, both of which have great capabilities. However, his most elusive vessel, and the one the captain usually resides in, is the SS Trogdor. This naval ship is actually a submarine equipped with the most unusual of features. It comes with a simulated rowing compartment for slaves, a large deck gun, a carniverous tree that..."

"NOBODY CARES WHAT IT HAS!!!" yells High Commander Raygor at the top of his lungs, "JUST GET ON WITH WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO ABOUT IT!!"

"Do not pressure me boy!" interjects Richtor, "You boy, were younger than a Fell Hopper's prostitute when I became Minister of Intelligence, and if you keep being so rude I may even believe that you have the intelligence of one."

The Grand Emperor, with a look of shock and disbelief on his face, says "Are you implying, dear cousin, that those children that are reported in the back alleys of the Capital are..."

"Yes, yes I am my good emperor." Interrupts Richtor again. "I find it amazing that we even have dealings with these "humans" at all. Now then, in dealing with Captain Grif McFloorRyan, we have intel on some of the high ranking officers that the good captain keeps close to him. Our agent who has returned from the lands of PAT 170 was one of the few who made it back alive from the ordeal..."

Nosferatu V then exclaims "Well, what are you waiting for, call for him to tell us what he knows. I hear many stories about this Captain. One such tale speaks of when he boarded a Neo Athenian Cargo ship that was escorted by several battleships. Supposedly he was able to surface, fire the deck guns to disable all the ships, bring his crew out armed and ready to attack, and killed everyone on those ships. All done just after the Captain downed a large heaping glass of Rum and a few shots of Whiskey before that."

As the Emperor finishes the story, the intelligence agent arrives in time to say, "Well, I seriously doubt that this "legendary" Captain would have gotten very far without his exceptional officers helping him command his vessels. The key ones are his First Mate, "The Sleeping Giant" as he is called, his enigmatic 3rd officer, known only as Mr. Miguel, and an excellent gunman. His name is Patrick FitzSimmons, and is perhaps their best gunner and military advisor to their fleet. We also have their helmsman, known as The Big Linguine."

The Intelligence Minister interrupts the agent and speaks, "That will be all for now, anyway, you can easily see where my plans to undermine the good captain are coming in. Without these men I'm sure he will not be able to pull off the many feats that these fables make claims to do."

After a few minutes of silence, most of the vampires were either asleep or irritated by the long winded speeches. Then, Nosferatu V finally stands up to speak.

"Excellent," exclaims the Grand Emperor, waking everyone up, "by the end of the week, with both sides crippled beyond repair, we shall be basking in sweet victory for years to come. We shall forge an empire even greater than even Count Orlok I could have come to envision. Indeed, the sun will never set on the Empire of the House of Orlok."

OOC: Ninja Pirates vs. Vampires. Best. Matchup. EVAR.

IC:

Tyrandis has no information on the status of the region, but we demand that Fell Hoppers cease their torment of whoever it is is being interrogated.

Although Tyrandis has been demogogued for our methods of extracting information, subjecting a man to American reality TV is just WRONG.

Our Ministry of Science has determined that prolonged exposure to reality TV results in the specimen's mind to literally explode from the excessive amount of garbage information being processed.

OH THE INHUMANITY!

OOC: Now, you know you've made a great atrocity when other oppresive regimes condemn your methods, lol. Congradulations.


IC: *Random government official runs into the secret bunker*

"What is the meaning of this?!" The Grand Emperor yells.

"My most humblest apologies my liege," the exhausted vampire replies, "but we have just received word of the Fell Hoppers army beginning to mobilize!"

"How cute, the children want to play war with us." Nosferatu V snickers.

"But sir, I bring news most dire. Several more spies have been captured by Fell Hoppers guards. They were able to send us this information back before they were sentanced to death by Reality TV shows. It seems that they are beginning to create Garlic farms, brandishing crosses, which they think are "satanic" symbols, and arming themselves with silver bullets!"

After a moment of puzzled looks, High Commander Raygor, trying to supress laughter, says, "Please, listen to what you are saying. Silver Bullets have no effect on us, and crosses are a Christian symbol. If these "men" are not smart enough to know what it is, then that is their fault. Do not forget that WE are the unholy creatures here.

As for the garlic, we may need drastic measures. We may have to start training our soldiers to reduce their breathing activity..."

The military convoy pulls up to the factory in the mountain range, about 20 miles from the camp of the Hershman group. But this trip wasn't about taking out the rebel criminals. Lt. General Apple's backseat door was opened by the driver of the third car in the convoy, as all persons in the four other cars stayed outside their cars.

"Welcome, Lt. General," quivered the manager of the factory. "We have a conference room set up for our meeting with our CEO's."

The CEO's of the company, dressed in their rag tag clothing with holes in their knees, elbows, were eying the sandwiches at the other table they were sitting at, some knowing that this was their first meal in almost a week. One leans over to the lady next to him and wispers "I'm hoping to offer my sixteen year-old daughter to him in exchange for this."

"Heh," quips the man across from him. "I hope he wears a rubber, 'cause she's like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day." He turns his head towards yet another man. "Don't you remember that night, Lumburg?"

"That's enough!" pipes a disgusted woman.

Lt. General Apple, his escort and the manager of the plant, a short stubby man who drinks too much cofee in the morning, enter the room. All the CEO's grow quiet, and keep eying the sandwiches.

"So explain to us, Lt. General," says the father of the sixteen year-old whore. "Why does the army want 20 tones of garlic powder and garlic salt?"

The Lt. General quietly laughs to himself as he pulls out the national checkbook. "There's a reason why we keep the populace out of touch with world events."

"What are the reports of the mission to PAT 170?" High Commander Raygor shouts.

"We have received nothing yet," some random insignifcant officer answers. "Remember, their lands are much further away than those grotesque Fell Hoppers peoples on our borders."

"Speaking of which," Raygor interrupts, "I must speak with his highness about their military movements. Speaking of which, what ever happened to that "operation" we had in store for them?"

"Why don't you go ask the Emperor yourself then?" the officer says in a rude fashion.

"I do say, do I hear something that may resemble an independant mind from you?!" Raygor sneers.

"No sir," the officer replies while trembling in fear.

"Good." Raygor says as he walks off...

Raygor walks into the Grand Emperor's dining quarters. It is a very luxurious, candlelit room, build in old Gothic style. Gold and silk tapestries decorate the room, and dark paintings give off an eerie atmosphere. The candles are all lit, as is the fireplace off to the right hand side of the room. There is a large jynx and obsidian table in the center, complete with the finest quality dining tools. The main course, an adolescent male, is lying tied up on a large plate.

The Emperor, still lapping up blood from the leg of his latest victim, looks irritated.

"I must say, it is very rude to interrupt someone while they are eating." Nosferatu V says, as he proceeds to make another bite into the person's other leg. The boy screams in torment.

"My most sincere apologies my liege," Raygor says, bowing on one knee, "but I came to inquire about what has been going on with Fell Hoppers."

"Come and look here at this poor boy on my dinner table." The Emperor beckons, "He is a runaway from that region. His father was an violent alcoholic, and his mother would abuse tranquilizers to ease her pain. When I found him, I didn't even need to hunt him. I promised him an end to his suffering. I feel this is a fitting way to do this, and it benefits both of us." The teenager gives a strange and terrified look towards the Emperor as he finishes.

"But sir, I wish to ask about General Kooper and his family, what of our mission to bring them to ruin?" Raygor asks impatiently.

"You see my meal for tonight," The Emperor replies, "this man's father is none other than the very man you just spoke of right now." After that, the Emperor digs his fangs into the neck of the boy. He screams in pain once more as he breathes his last.

"When your meal is finished, I will have this boy mounted in your trophy room sir." Raygor says.

"These vampire scum have gone too far this time! These acts of blatent savagery cannot be tolerated by our nation," exclaims Captain Grif McFloorRyan to the seated figure in front of him.

The figure stirs, stroking the vampire skull built into the armrest of his chair. "Indeed, Captain, we cannot," states Dread Pirate Pescado, enigmatic ruler of Pat 170. "I belive this Commander of theirs, Raygor, is taking a trip to inspect the troops. Make sure he does not arrive. I want his head...the rest of him is not required."

The Emperor sits in his study, reading a good book on their triumphant defeat over trolls and werewolves 4 score and 5 years ago.

On his plate is part of a human, with a skull and crossbones bandana on it. The emperor is snacking upon its fresh fluids as Admiral Hector Loathen of the navy burst into the door...

"Sir, I have news most dire, and you must come..."

"I told you once before," The emperor calmly interjects, "it is bad form to disturb someone while they are reading, and snacking nonetheless."

Looking astonished, the Admiral asks "Is this the man our agents brought in today?"

"Yes indeed, Raygor was proud of em today. They brought in the first mate from the SS Trogdor. We got some answers with relative ease. All we needed to do was offer him more rum. However, when we finally began feasting on him, we found his blood was more intoxicated than we could have ever forseen. It would explain why at first, I tasted more cheap whiskey and vodka than actual blood when we first began eating."

"But as you know sire, remember how Raygor was the one to always mount their heads in your trophy room?" The Admiral asks, "Well, it was not him who put this man's head up tonight sire."

The Emperor, with a look of surprise and dread, immediately asks "What do you mean? Where is High Commander Raygor?"

"That is why you need to come with me sire." Admiral Loathen replies...