NationStates Jolt Archive

Greetings from Sanity Incarnate, Prime Wonk, Wonko the Sane. Wonkbekistan has recently discovered a moderate amount of uranium lying beneath several of our older rainforests and is aware that this commodity is of great interest to the outside world.

Our great nation is seeking to reposition itself as a leading distributor of a highly caffinated new beverage known as Grog. Unfortunately, Wonkbekistan does not posess an abundant source of caffeine (typically tea leaves, coffee beans, or advanced chemical engineering equipment). The public simply must be granted their grog and we cannot mass-produce the beverage without ample supplies.

Therefore, Wonkbekistan offers some of its newly discovered uranium for a suitable source of caffeine. The Sane One gratiously awaits your response to his most generous offer.

-Wonko the Sane
Prime Wonk, Theocracy of Wonkbekistan

Your Sanity, and all other nations of the world:

Before any sales are agreed upon, I feel obliged to point out that, as noted in the Prime Wonk's statement, the source of uranium lies under a rainforest. I strongly urge Wonkbekistan and any country that may be interested in accepting this offer to consider the likely ecological impact of mining for uranium beneath a rainforest. For the record, the Republic cannot and does not condone any such action and asks that the community of nations seek to protect the natural environment.

Saoirse MacSiurtan, Taoiseach of the Most Serene Republic of the Papaya People

Ignore the pathetic arguments of the environmentalists. They can't do anything about it.

Your excellency, our poverty striken people have been betrayed by these rainforests for years. We have sat by and stared at these forests but have not been able to grow beyond our simplistic ability to build mud huts and strange drinks (although recently, we have emerged as a valid programmer for hire nation). As I relay this message to you, the local beggars guild is eagerly demolishing the forsaken rainforest that has claimed the lives of many of our populace through disease and abductions by the rather large reptiles that reside there. Our nation is nothing without these future prospects and these horrid forests are a blight and a pox upon our greatly sane populace.

-Wonko the Sane,
Prime Wonk

Your Sanity, may I propose a solution that may make everyone happy? The Papaya People, being largely of Irish extraction, are extremely fond of tea; in fact, it is the most popular beverage in the country. However, public opinion polls suggest that the citizens of this country value the environment even more highly. Thus it is likely that, if put to a referendum, a measure to send Wonkbekistan a substantial quantity of tea would pass, despite the hardship it would impose on our own people. May I suggest that (subject to approval through the democratic process) the Republic send a shipment of tea to Wonkbekistan as a source of caffeine? In return, we would ask that Wonkbekistan repay us the value of the tea as soon as Grog begins to bring in profits.

Furthermore, in response to your disease problem, the Republic is prepared to send a small team of medical experts to assist in relief experts. Our resources are limited, and we are unable to send a large amount of medical supplies, but we will do what we can. Her Serenity requests that other nations send medical supplies and equipment as they are able to relieve Wonkbekistan's unfortunate situation.

Oh! At last the most revered Prime Wonk may let his nation know that the long fortold Grog is in their future. At last Wonkbekistan shall be able to produce highly caffinated beverages for tomorrow's youth! At last, someone shall remove this cursed snake from my arm. It really hurts.

Wonkbekistan shall dispatch messenger-squirrels to the beggars guild at once. Truth be told, they're not a very enthusiastic lot and probably have done very little to our nation's uh... big trees. Our nation is in your debt. We shall seek future avenues for permenant supplies of caffeine, once we have recieved adequate income from our first shipment of Grog.

Incidentally, we encourage all nations to try our refreshing Grog. An exceptional substance for those nations who have citizens in educational institutions and need to stay up late while doing nothing discernable. Remember, Grog: It's green, it has caffeine, and it was made in some mud hut in Wonkbekistan.

-Sanity Incarnate

The Republic of Sicrat hereby demands an immediate cease and desist of the Republic of Wonkbekistan's grog production. Grog production of the Theocracy of Wonkbekistan has been seen by economists to rival that of Sicrat's within 4 years. Wonkbekistan is also suspected by our nation too be creating WMD (Weapons of Mass Distribution) to deploy large shipments of Grog over countries inferior to it, and then force the countries to "pick up the tab".

Failure to comply with the cease and desist order will result in a tomahawk missle bombing of all grog producing facilities within Wonkbekistan.

Official Statement from the Office of Foreign Relations,
Holy Empire of Grand Hobgoblonia:

The Republic of Sicrat is found in contempt for threatening the free trade of smaller peaceful nations. Caffeine is an important luxury that should not be denied any nation.

The Republic of Sicrat is hereby humbly and very, very assertively asked to desist in its unreasonable threats of smaller nations, especially seeing as no evidence has been presented in allegations of rogue caffeine delivery systems production.

Failure to comply may possibley result in international protest and trade embargos.

Assertively,
Prime Minister Baragh IV,
Loyal Servant to the One True Monarch
of the Holy Empire of Grand Hobgoblonia

Threatening younger nations over Grog production? I am strongly disapproving

*hint*

Your Sanity,

The Voldanian Corporation remains eternally interested in business oppourtunities. Grog is a glorious one, but uranium glows brighter in our eyes. The Corporation would therefore like to negotiate a trade in which the company would build a caffiene plant (using advanced chemical processes) in your country in exchange for the amount of uranium discovered and the wood from the rainforest trees felled in this enterprise. The corporation believes this to be an equitable trade. Please Inform.

Cordially,
The Cheif Officer of Foreign Trade

...And, oh yes, the Corporation offers its marketing expertise to both Wonkbekistan and Sicrat to assist your sales and profitability. This ssistance can be had for a 10% cut of profits.

The Kingdom of Brennenburg has recently acquired some coffee plantations in the West Indies and would be willing to trade a substansial amount of coffee exports for this Uranium. According to Brennenburg's leading scientists the volatile element of Uranium if allowed to exist under such an equally volatile enviroment of the rain forest could result in horrid mutations of the creatures living in the forest. THerefore Brennenburg would send advisors to help supervise a controlled burning of the areas of the forest that would be affected by radiation poisoning and would clear the way for extraction and trade between our great nations. Ignore the meager offerings of tea and the cold calculators of the corporations that only see the bottom line, instead trade with a burgeoning Kingdom that does not forget its friends.

The Sane One has heard your offer, oh glorious Voldanian Corporation. We are willing to demolish 42 acres of rainforest of your choosing and cede this territory to the Voldanian Corporation in exchange for the establishment of a reinforced underground caffeine production facility. We feel that this extra step is neccessary due to the responses of some of our less sane neighbors. Of course, the Voldanian Corporation has sole rights to any minerals, substances, livestock, and mud present in said area. The Voldanian Corporation is also encouraged to establish an embassy on this territory.

To those who would attack us for our Grog, be warned. Our nation is lush with rainforests and supported by mud huts. The massive uranium deposits have given rise to the accursed coilfang population (a 42 foot serpent with a somewhat displeasing disposition). Our huts are identical and move at random. Our nation's great leader is somewhat confused and disoriented and is not even known to be in the country, let alone in the mud palace. If you attack us, the uranium will probably be damaged and your troops will be crushed by the vile fangcoils that compose our military. Additionally, our sanity is not to be underestimated. We are very, very, very sane.

Brennenburg, we cannot approve the burning of the rainforests at this time because our tourism and ecology would greatly suffer, and this coilfang wrapped around my waste would probably disapprove. Dang thing even follows me into the mud shower...

-Ford Prefect
Administrative Assistant to The Sane One

Oh Sane One....

Yes! Mud, glorious mud! (and we like the mineral rights, too.)

We accept your deal as proposed and will also establish an embassy forthwith.

We also will open our market so that our people may enjoy your grog. Consider this, enemies of Wonkbekistan: Voldania will not look kindly upon those who disrup our plans.

Good day.

Wonkbekistan, we are fully prepared to negiotiate a economical agreement in terms to settle our dispute of grog manufacturing and distribution in the Black Lakes Chatroom at www.freewebs.com/sauron232/index.htm . Perhaps you will find the grog production is a valuable source of income for the entire region, and that it would be wise for our respective nations to come upon such an agreement. We await your reply.

The population of Durtistan, specifically those involved in the software industry and related Information Technology disciplines, would like to register their hopes for a speedy resolution to this issue.

Truth be told, rumours about Grog have been lighting up message boards and chatrooms all over Durtistan for some time. The consensus is "we, the geeks and nerds of Durtistan, are willing to make the producer of any beverage with a caffiene base moderately to extremely rich in return for another hour or two's coding time".

They're a shakey, irritable, desperate bunch and a nationwide Quake LANparty at the government's expense will not hold them forever.

Please...do what you can to resolve this as quickly as possible. There's a Third Stage Programer here telling me that I'm transparent, and the Grog must flow!

Durtistan, Wonkbekistan needs your business! Long have we sought an ally in the war against syntax errors and sleep, and now for The Sane One to hear that we may have found one, it is almost too much joy to bear.

In order to continue our production of Grog, we need the personnel and funding required to ensure that we produce the strongest and best tasting Grog this planet has ever seen. Already we have strong visions for the future of our product. There are promising developments regarding the effects the digestive tracts of the coilfangs have on certain furry mammals, then there's the genetic algorythm initiative being held that is intended to find the perfect Caffeine to taste cell ratio. We are already consdering devloping a massive army of cyborg taste-testers powered by an omnipotent artificial intelligence program housed in some mud hut, but alas, we lack the economic strength required to pursue such initiatives to the extent that they clearly warrant.

For this reason, Wonkbekistan calls upon the entire planet and whoever else might be listening to donate now! Wonkbekistan needs your currency desperately if Grog is to be worthy of drinking. This is a matter of grave international concern. Citizens of the world, rally along Wonkbekistan as it fights to give you the Grog you need to be able to CHOOSE whether or not you wish to sleep!

I'm Wonko the Sane, and I approved this add.

I SHALL TRADE!!!! How much caffeine you lookin for?coffee?chocolate?tea?
I NEED ANSWERS! and fast (my people need resources and employment)
maybe we can work some kind of contract out?

Wonkbekistan will offer the nation of Crotchrottery as much Grog per year as it desires to purchase. We are also willing to grant a 10% discount for one year and permenantly waive shipping charges to your nation if you are able to provide us with a means of distributing Grog to any and all nations that desire it.

how are you planning to go about distributing this fine national product of yours(besides with my help of course 8) ) ?

Caffeine is not the most widely abused substance in Raysia... thus we have stockpiles of it in warehouses, just piling up... a good deal of it is from starbucks' who couldn't sell the stuff in a nation where the main religion is prohibited from coffee :P

Wanna trade? We have about 500 tons of the stuff.

you tryin to cut in on my racket?