NationStates Jolt Archive

DINGO BAT LAND TURNS ITS ATTENTION TO WIPING OUT GOATS

Statement expected from Rogue Nation of Cheap Livestock


Prime Minister Jolly Oli has launched all out war on goats, in what critics describe as a brazen attempt to create conflict between Dingo Bat Land and The Rogue Nation of Cheap Livestock.

In a hastily arranged news conference on Monday the Prime Minister declared all out war on the nation’s goat population, promising to “root them out wherever they may be hiding, to bring to an end decades of liberty for what can be described as no more than futile beings.”

Mr Oli said the reasons for the war on goats were three-fold, and that he didn’t really have time to explain them as he was due somewhere, but sources close to the Prime Minister insist he had nowhere to go, and that in fact after the press conference he simply relaxed in the bath for two hours.

“I saw him with a towel round his waist and carrying this new book he’d got and he just went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him,” our source told us. “When he came out later that night his hair was wet, like he’d been in the bath.”

Protests against the recently elected Prime Minister reached fever pitch last week but have dimmed in recent days, following his threat to behead the Duracell Bunny on daytime television.

“I don’t like the Prime Minister and I don’t like his policies, but I just can’t imagine life without the Duracell Bunny,” said mother of three Jill Saunders.

It is not certain what form the war on goats will take, but whatever happens in the next few days, the Disputed Territories of Dingo Bat Land will be bracing itself for an uncertain new era.


Dingo Bat Media – 1st March

Chairman Theophylaktos Papayannolou of the Department of Agriculture and Military Affairs has released the following statement in response to Dingo Bat Land's declaration of war:

It is utterly incredulous to us that the aggressors of Dingo Bat Land believe that they can make a dent in our goat population. Caprine numbers are so overwhelming that the government has long since ceased to keep an accurate census. Conservative estimates, however, seem to indicate that the goats outnumber humans by at least one to two orders of magnitude. Indeed, our citizens' ravenous appetite for goat is only barely keeping the animals in check. Our goats are the horniest in the world even when the Viagra normally present in their feed is withheld.

In the face of such hostilities, the Rogue Nation of Cheap Livestock has no choice but to mobilize its forces. Already units have been dispatched to reinforce our borders, which are fortified with a meat shield, a wall composed entirely of downer goats. The sight of derelict livestock is enough to demoralize the bravest soldier, if the wretched putrid stench has not already.

It is unfortunate that relations between Dingo Bat Land and Cheap Livestock have deteriorated to the brink of war. But there is some good news: I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico.

Livestock Press Newswire

Prime Minister Jolly Oli has sought to clarify reports that he was ready to wage war on the Rogue Nation of Cheap Livestock.

"I was reported in some papers as saying I was preparing to move guerilla forces into Livestock to eradicate their goát population, in the hope I suppose that it would cripple their economy, which relies solely on the goát.

"I would like to state, for the record, that I will only do this after the war on our own goát population is won. Never mind Livestock, our own goáts are getting organised. Our forces met stiff resistance in a barn outside the capital last night, where a small group of insurgent góats started hailing hand grenades at us."

Troops are ill prepared to deal with such an organized resistance, having suffered from years of under investment. At the scene last night, there was embarrassment as the troops were forced into a hasty retreat from the group of twenty or so goáts.

The troops efforts at storming the barn had been foiled by a perimeter barrier of hay which had been set alight. Fighting is expected to continue today.

And further north, in the goát stronghold of Blasi, more blood shed is expected as troops make their first moves into the region. The Prime Minister believes a government victory there would prove demoralising and could be a vital stepping stone to insuring the war is won.

However, there are signs that the goát resistence is starting to gain support among the nation's human population. In the early hours of this morning good will messages were springing up across the capital in the form of poster campaigns and placards in shops and home windows.

"We support Goát," was the simple message adorning the window of nine year old Stacy Chivers, and her sentiments were being echoed by many of the other residents in her street.

There was talk in the pubs and clubs of Dungo last night of a concerted human effort to join the resistance, which could prove disastrous for government plans for the completion of the war.

As the Rogue Nation of Cheap Livestock mobilized its forces last night, Dingo government sources predicted a war would likely happen "later rather than sooner", although concerns continue to mount over Jolly Oli's own plans, which could include an invasion of Livestock before the war in his own country is finished.


Dingo Bat Media - 5th March 2004.