NationStates Jolt Archive

The small diplomat/intelligence operative mich miach moved across the borders of the hell hole known as drinnikia. His mission was simple to eliminate head dictatator drinnik, and claim the country for gearslip ponds. To this end he had been supplied with poison cigars, not anytype of poison cigars but the expensive charlatand poisoin cigars. Walking across the borders and obsessing over the values of a fine poison cigar Mich never heard the Kenderzilla...Two days later a couple of rangers from Drinnikia would discover the body of a poisoned kenderzilla and not realize the significance

three weeks later radio announcement
We the people of Gearslip Ponds blame the nation of Drinnikia with the dissapearance of one Igor of the Henchman. We will not fall to the same underhanded tactics that he fell to. We also request the return of the missing diplomat Mich Miach. If both of them are not returned in two days we shall burn your pathetic country to the ground.

The Prince of Charlatand examined reports from his master spy. "So, Gearslip has declared war on Drinnikia? We shall remain nuetral for now, we are allied with niether country, and have few econimc ties to them either. Such is my will."

The spymaser nodded and backed away. "By your command..." He turned to leave, then hesitated. "My master, I have heard rumors, rumors that suggest that, well, that the Unnamed oned has returned..."

"What!? NO! Impossible! He is long dead and gone. What madness is this? What exactly have you heard?"

"Surely my lord has seen the signs: the plaid comet, the rain of dill pickles, the birth of the three-headed Olson Twin. They say His chains are shattered, His crypt opened, His words are whispered on the winds...."

"It cannot be, I refuse to believe it!"

"That will not stop it from being true, you know."

"It must not be true.....if He returned, He would doom us all. The Darkness That Calls Out To The Darkness must remain banished from the world for the sake of all who live...For now we tell noone, we don't want to start a panic over nothing, let the other nations know nothing of this possible nightmare."

many miles away....

...he walked slowly along he lonely road, regaining his strength. He had suffered far worse in the past, and he'd always managed to make a comeback then. Soon, he would once again be in a position of power, as he was always meant to be. Then he would show them all. He grinned to himself... "I am not a crook..."

Morbo, Head of the Crazed Gremishka News Bureau, grimaced as he picked his way through the piles of sleeping Gremishkas. Since the Oakland Raiders' defection to Deschainia, the dictator's troops had been reduced to his traditional standards... Meaning a bunch of psychotic gremlins with a penchant for s'more recipes.

Oh well.

Erebus had to be informed. And, Morbo supposed, they'd have to get word to Deschainia and Charlatand.

The Crypt had been found burst from the inside out. Teddy Roosevelt was free once more.

The Crypt had been found burst from the inside out. Teddy Roosevelt was free once more.

What, him too? What's so scary about that? ERK!- questioner is struck from behind by some guy who walked up behind him softly, carrying a big stick

rier.)

Across the intercluster air waves the last of the FCN nightly news rambles on...

"...and the declaration of war upon Drinnikia has yet to be resonded to be there ministy of defence. Now a word from our sponser."

"HEY HEY HEY! Its Demented Dave again here at Demented Daves Discount distruction depot. War is big buisness, and its your buisness. At at Demented Daves your business is our buisness if we get your buisness. Take a looki at our new line of products for the '57 season-

For the discriminating soldier we have the Speedy Manualy Operated Roasting Engine or S.M.O.R.E. A pertict way to keep warm on cold cluster nights.

Got huge thieving mutant lizard monster problems? Don't we all. But we have the solution- S.H.I.N.E.Y v3 or Speacial Hight Intesity Nural Energy Yardstick. Garenteed to send your Giant lizard to Lala land or your...eaten by the giant lizard thing.

And for those long marches into lands infested with green sighlight hating monsters our cloning staff has created M.O.G.W.I.S (Mutant Origonal Gremlins Writeoff Interactive Soliders). These cute and cuddly balls of fluff will fill your soldiers days with love and kindness. Just follow three simple rules and they will be a invaluable assest to your country. (Demented Daves is not responsabe for bites, maiming, city wide distruction, loss of life, Distruction of property or lauching of Phoebe Cates acting carrier.)

Frandel the insane ruler of Gearslip ponds sipped his drink and watched the factor on FNC, "this just in the ruler of Gearslip ponds has declared war on Drinnikia."

Spitting his drink all over himself, Frandel wondered what was going on, he hadn't declared war on anybody, "Foreign minister explain what the hell just happened."

"Well master you did threaten to burn there country to the ground."

"But I didn't declare war. I gave them two days to respond"

"Master thats simply semantics. Threatening to burn somebodys country to the ground is the equivalent of declaring war."

Frandel nodded, then looked over to his head of security, "Broan kill him and get me a new foriegn minister, one that agrees with me more often. Oh and kill that O'Reilly fellow for misreporting the truth."

"HEY HEY HEY!...."

Watching the commercial Frandel thought, "This demented dave seems to be on to something".

"Minister of War contact this demented dave fellow and buy all the S.H.I.N.E.Y. v3 that he posseses. We'll need them when we invade Drinnikia."

"What about some M.O.G.W.I.S. they seem useful."

"Good God, man are you insane. I have caused enough evil in this world, I shall not cause another by reviving Phoebe Cates career."

later, Grant's tomb
The crypt opened and the corpse pulled itself out. The third president of the apocalypse had arrived

Fools! The war is brewing.

Fly, my Mario Clones, Fly!

The Mario Clones flew out of Astrannia and headed for the Charlatand border. Queen Ast cackled.

Soon she would be rule of the cluster.

The lord of Charlatand read through the latest battle reports about Astrannia's invasion. "Curses, her Mario clones are stomping all over my army of mushroom and turtle-like creatures! Prehaps my battilion of barrel-throwing gorillas will slow them down...Any news of He Who Must Not Be Named?"

"Lord Voldemort? He's right over there at the mini-bar." The flunky waved at he dark wizard. "You know, Wiccystein will probably inpose sanctions on us a the very least for harboring him."

"NO! Not him! The other one, you know, Ixon-nay."

"OH! Ah, a town near the border with Deschainia report that they've been spied upon, drained of all political prosepct, and most of their young men have been sent to Veitnam as sacrifices to maintain the status quo of the Military-Industrial Complex."

"Vietnam? Bring them back! We have perfectly good war going on right here! Anything else?"

"Well, The AROCG (Armed Republic of Crazed Gremishkas) has reported that numerous corrupt big businessmen have been found clubbed by some large mushtached man who walked softly and carried a big stick, and Gearslip Ponds reports that a drunk dressed as a Civil War General has been seen beating up Southerns."

"Very well, as long as no more of them appear...."

Meanwhile in Jaspernia....

Ford smashed his way out of his crypt and grinned dementedly as he surveyed those who would soon kneel before him. Then he frowned. "Hey, I'm not dead yet!" he stammered. Then he fell down.

OOC: Can I join this Humor War?

In the homes of the Jaspernian populus another comercial comes on the Tv/

"HEY HEY HEY! Demented Dave here again! Valentines day is just around the corner and we have got in a new shipment of holiday themed weapons of mass distruction!

Are your citizens out of love? Is suing for child supoort a national passtime? Them get your hand on our patented C.U.P.I.D. or Cute Unforgettable Passion Inciting Device. One shot of its Love potion #9(dihidrogen monoxide penthogliserall) filled arrows and your citizens will need a hose down. (Demented dave is not resonable for massive population increase or Bible thumping smackdown)

Are relations with your alies on the rocks? Send them C.A.N.D.Y - Computer Assisted Nucular dentonated Yum-yums and F.L.O.W.E.R.S- Frontal Lazer operated Weapon Enhancement & Reconasence Satelites .

If they still give you the cold shoulder teach them the true meaning of 'Till death does us part with our R.I.N.G or Remote Ignited Nucular Genocide.

Cus at Demted Dave we treat you like strange distent cusions by marrage that we bum money off of."

OOC Yes but you need to know three bigs things first-
1. Everyone here is set in a cluster of the Dnd world of Ravenloft after being kicked out of the main Ravenloft world for being too low level, mornonic or just scooby doo level evil. Intstead of amassing huge armys of zoimbies and vampires we have mashmelllow golems and Lawer gnomes.

2. You can have any army you want as long as its silly and not too damaging. Ie; You can have a army of Hemophiliac vampires or vegitarian werebeasts.

3. Have fun. :)

If you want you can join the cluster by moving to The Forsaken cluster.

The crazed dictator listened to the report of his military officer

"Sir it looks like the forces of chartaland have unleashed an army of barrel throwing monkeys to deal with the mario clones. We can take advantage of this."

"Your right unleash are force of crazed Jackson family members at the unprotected backs of Chartaland and Astrannia. As for Drinnikia they still have twelve more hours to respond before the invasion begins."

"Sir there are also reports of a drunk in a civil war costume beating up the citizens of our southern regions."

Frandel was stunned his only thoughts:
could it be, could one of the presidents of the apocalypse has awakened. If so then the only defense was...

"Broan summon the necromancers theres a dead southern general that they need to raise."

In the meantime, Khalas Aryn, High Commander of the Rogue Nation of Marakhon, is occupied with watching the commercial. Having seen something of interest, he turns to his subordinate.

"Get me a million each of these C.A.N.D.Y. and F.L.O.W.E.R.S. If someone attacks us, we have to be prepared."

The lord of Charlatand was out late at night, walking his Dire Welsh Corgi in the bad part of town, hoping that someone would try to mug him, and thus give the many snpier/bodyguard/ninjas shadowing him a chance to blow someone away for his entertainment, normal public executions having long ago lost thier appeal. From the distance, he heard the sounds of strange giggling. Probably not a robber. Maybe someone making out in the dark, but in this neighborhood, at this time of night? A pair of strange creatures abruptly burst from some bushes a few yards away from him. Thier odd appearance so startled his bodyguards that the forgot to shoot them immediaty.

It was impossible to tell if they were male of female. The things had pale, ghoulish features, their angular cheekbones and noses were obviously not human. Their stringy, curly black hair blended in with their oddly styled black clothes, and each bore a white glove on one of their hands. They advance swiftly, moving backwards while appearing to move forwards. They gave a strange, high-pitched cry/giggle. "Ah-hee-hee-hee!"

The ruler of Charlatand froze in horror. He knew this evil! "Michael Jacksons! Destroy them! Fire! Fire!" Within seconds, his ninjas had gotten over thier moment of existential horror and blew the creatures in smoking piles of wretched hamburger. The master stared at the piles with great dismay. "Where did they come from? I thought only I possessed the dreaded Wand of Michael Jacksonization!" That accursed device he had discovered long ago, that had allowed him to turn normal black men into pale perverted freaks. "This does not bode well at all!"


Elsewhere...

William Henry Harrison rose from his ancient tomb. His time was once again at hand! Unfortunatly, he spent too much time out in the cold air with too little clothes on, caught pneumonia, and died 30 days later, having had no effect whatsoever on the Forsaken Cluster.

To the ruler of Jaspernia,

Please accept the regiment of werekenderzilla. I trust now the photographs will be destroyed. If not, expect a visit from the Ghost From Beyond the Stars.

Yours,

Dr Innik S. H. Oehorn

The Ghost From Beyond the Stars, eh? I can put Adult Swim characters in my service, too! Meet my new Minister of Science, DR WEIRD!

DR WEIRD'S SECRET LAB (SOUTH JERSEY SHORE)

"Very well Dr Weird, what do you have for me today?" The Prince of Charlatan asked his new Minister of Science.

"Gentlemen, Behold!" Dr Weird raised his hands, showing that he was holding a lump of pinkish-gray matter. "My own brain!"

His master blinked. "If your brain is outside of your skull, how are you able to think?"

"How indeed!" Dr Weird pulled the top of his head own off, revealing a hamster running in a wheel.

Frandel sat on his throne watching the mass executions of some of his citizens when the foriegn minister approached

"Sir the micheal jackson clones failed to make a dent in the nation of Chartaland."

"Very well send in a division of Bubbles clones to back up the Micheal Jackson clones. What about the Janet Jackson clones we sent into Astrannia?"

"Information is unavailable as of yet sir. Perhaps we should send in some Justin Timberlake clones to back her up."

"Very well, has Dr. Innik responded to our demands yet."

"No Sir, what are your orders?"

"Send in a division of Giant Space Hamsters into Drinnikia and arm them with the S.H.I.N.E.Y. v3. Also has the necromancers finished their work yet?"

"Yes sir the Wesley Clark zombie has been raised."

"WHAT???? I asked for a Robert E Lee zombie."

"Sir you asked for a southern general zombie we thought you meant Wesley Clark."

"Wesley Clark wasn't even dead, why would I want him. Besides he's from Arkansas thats barely below the mason-dixon line."

"Him not being dead yet confused us also sir, but we figured you wanted us to assasinate him and then raise him, which is what we did. As for him being from Arkansas, we thought the defining characteristic of the south was not location, but the degree of interbreeding. By that measure one can not get anymore southern then Arkansas."

"Very well send him against Grant."

The Ghost From Beyond the Stars, eh? I can put Adult Swim characters in my service, too! Meet my new Minister of Science, DR WEIRD!

DR WEIRD'S SECRET LAB (SOUTH JERSEY SHORE)

"Very well Dr Weird, what do you have for me today?" The Prince of Charlatan asked his new Minister of Science.

"Gentlemen, Behold!" Dr Weird raised his hands, showing that he was holding a lump of pinkish-gray matter. "My own brain!"

His master blinked. "If your brain is outside of your skull, how are you able to think?"

"How indeed!" Dr Weird pulled the top of his head own off, revealing a hamster running in a wheel.

Can your Dr. Weird outinvent our mad scientist? I give you...Washu! yes, the 20,000 year old scientist who is known for her supergenius extraordinare!

http://www.androidnews.com/images/mnew/washu.jpg

As a second note, this is me, President John Tenchi Masaki:
http://www.animeinfo.org/featured/tenchi/people/tenchi.jpg

Washu grinned evilly. "You little fools! You can never defeat the brain that is Washu! I give you...the Barney Dinosaur Clonetroopers! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

"Man, is she scary!" I said, feeling tiny.

A division of purple singing dinosaurs march out to the battlefield, waving their hands to do magic, and singing the "I love you" song! Oh, the horror!

Barneys are indeed a terrible enemy. I once laid much of Europe to waste with a giant Mecha-Barney.

Washu!? Hm, always refering to her as Washu-chan/Little Washu and constantly praising her as the Greatest Scientific Genuis in the universe should stem any hostilities from her. At least until I can teleport an army of Mihoshi clones into her labratory. I can deal with her.

But no DBZ characters. Except prehaps Yajirobe. And keep in mind, in the Forsaken Cluster, the most powerful force in the universe is incompetence, followed closely by random luck and general WTH?ness.

And we'll continue to treat President Masaki as a joke for his constant troubles at trying to figure out if he wants Ryoko or Ayeka and not realizing that Jurians practice polygomy. Or, prehaps he does know, and he's smart enough to realize that if he married them both, he'd have to put up with their bickering for however many centuries Jurians live...

Actually, I picked Ayeka (but not RPing her as a cousin, but from a different family; Sasami is the cousin), and Ryoko's not usually in the picture. I'm a Jedi, not a Jurai.

Anyway, the Barney clones invade Charlatand on the southern flank, causing love and peace to flow into the nation, as well as hacking soldiers to pieces with hidden claws.

Actually, I picked Ayeka (but not RPing her as a cousin, but from a different family; Sasami is the cousin), and Ryoko's not usually in the picture. I'm a Jedi, not a Jurai.

Anyway, the Barney clones invade Charlatand on the southern flank, causing love and peace to flow into the nation, as well as hacking soldiers to pieces with hidden claws.

Queen Ast tapped the armrest of her throne. The Mario clones had not had the effect she desired. She stared at Bowser, her assistant, "The country of NintendoWorld has been under my rule for years now. The Mario clones are meant to be your strongest strike force.

"Release Luigis Mark 1, 2, 3 and 4. Then the Hyper-Mecha-Zelda."

Bowser nodded and slid away. Charlatand was going to be crushed under her pointy, yet delicate and fashionable, heel.

There had been no new movement by the Presidents of the Apocalypse for some time, but all was not well in the domain of Charlatand...

"Master! The Mario clones have been replaced by taller, greener versions of themselves, and are being led into battle by some kind of super-cybernetic elven princess!"

The Lord of Charlatand peered through the offered telescope. It was true. Suddenly, a robot Ganon appeared and kidnapped the elvish-looking mecha-girl. "Hah! Looks like our enemies should have send a Hyper-Mecha version of Link, rather than a Hyper-Mecha version of Zelda! As for the Luigi clones, capture them and force them to watch Super Mario Brothers the Movie! when they can't take it anymore and reveal who sent them, we'll 'leak' to the Halliburton Corpora...I mean, to the US Government, that they have Weapons of Mass Destruction and large reserves of crude oil. Then, once they're invaded, we can turn our attentions back to more inportant things, like which of the many, many DVD versions of Army of Darkness is the best."

Queen Ast sneered when she heard of the fates of the Luigi clones.

She clenched her fist and sneered at Bowser, "Send in the C.L.O.W.N.S"

Bowser nodded, the Cybernetic Lunatic Orange Wario Nuclear Soldiers where ready. Utterly loyal, nearly indestructable, they would take out everything in their path.

The borders of Charlatand where doomed.

Lord of Jaspernia,

You mock me. The pictures have not been destroyed, but have been found on www.sexyuncoporealalcholicghostsdancedance.co.fc.lalalalala

You imminent destruction will commence. All werekenderzilla have just exploded, and you have awakened my wrath.

I am sending in three of my most letheal genetic experiments to deal with you. The Crack-Care Bears, the Werewuzzles and the sly little ponies have been set loose. Your crops, men and children are no longer safe. You will crumble before me.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yours,

Dr. Innik S. H. Oehorn

The Gereat Brain that is Washu has invented another army to supplement the Barney clones, and even more horrible than the purple singing dinosaurs. Get ready, for the Chibi Clone Army!

Yes, these child versions of various anime characters have the power to make all soldiers fawn over the cute kiddies on the battlefield, and then launch the hapless troops into the stratosphere using giant mallets or the powers of their older selves.

"Mwahahahaha! Go, my little Chibis! Go, and beat up the enemy!"

"YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" The kids ran out and divided into two divisions. One to attack Charlatand, and the other to serve as backup.

Hm, I'll force all my troops to watch Di Gi Charat until they either go completely mad or shoot anything overly kawaii or chibi on sight.

As an aside, the National Anime of Charlatand shall be FLCL.

Ahh, the anime that defines unpredictability and weirdness. Well, time to bomb the station with Deadly Chibi bombs.

Dear Lord of Charlatand,

I see the ruler of Astrannia is attacking you.

Good.

Perhaps now you will cease that infernal wracket you call music, and I will get some peace. To make sure, I have detached a regiment of Vampire Powerpuff Girls that I cloned from when I kidnapped Buttercup. Backing them up will be a few Dreadys. Yes, you remember the dreadys.

You will all be crushed under my heel.

BWOO-HOO-HA-HA-HA!

Yours,

Dr. Innik S. H. Oehorn

Ps.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Actually, I don't remember the dreadys. But they sound bad enough. By making an Infernal Pact with Him! I should be able to hold off the Powerpuff Nosferatu with the aid of my three nerdy shadow dragons, Eb, Ebb, and Ebbie. (Turns up the volume on his CD player)