NationStates Jolt Archive

Reports have reached the BBC World Service that the Empire of Terrible Malice has been infested with the dreaded Joccian Fighting Guinea Pig.

The World Wildlife Fund has reported that all of Malice's indigineous animals are under direct threat of extinction, made worse by the introduction of this fearsome creature. The only creature that may survive is the tar-hamster, which somehow manages to exist in the depths of Malice's toxic dumps and survives on only 40 cigarettes a day.

Rumours that this natural disaster was engineered by the Joccian Government were put to Ms P. McPeeble, Joccia's Under Minister for Engineering Natural Disasters in Other Countries, she said

"Whilst we have no knowlege of this affair we can confirm that Joccian transport aircraft did accidentally stray over Terrible Malice's airspace, and that the shipment of Ugandan literature they had on board was somehow lost."

The Government of Terrible Malice are expected to make a statement sometime later today

We confirm that the Joccian Fighting Guinea Pig issue is one of the biggest problems in our nation right now. In fact they are eating large amounts of our endangered national animal. Therefore we have set in motion a plan to use our police force to capture all Joccian Fighting Guinea Pigs and return them by our cargo planes as soon as possible. So far we have captured 15% of them, and we are ready to deliver our first shipment back to Joccia.

-Vladim Viloshues
Minister of Arms & The Exterior

This suggestion may seem akin to throwing parafin on a house-fire, but The People's Commonwealth is willing to donate a quantity of its own national animal in the hopes that it might feed on the marauding guinea pigs.

Of course there's always some negative press around the three-legged hyena cicada, but really that's just due to its infamous taste for child's flesh.

-Commonwealth Consul comrade Jon Barrie.

Further reports are coming in with regard to Terrible Malice's use of the Joccian Fighting Guinea Pig on some members of their own population in the Northern town of Muckrake. First reports indicate that upto 20,000 of the population have been killed or recieved a nasty bite in the attack. It is well known that the area has been a breeding ground for the "Rats for all League of Terrorists for National Security at Home" group, who have been a thorn in the side of the national Government for quite some Time!

The accusation comes from Lady Cherry Bleaugh, Joccia's first woman PM.

"The Joccian Fighting Guinea Pigs which our Government most definately did not supply to the Empire of Terrible Malice, were not supposed to be used to commit war crimes, unless it was in defence of the liberty of the Western World."

The Bleaugh Government has consistantly denied supplying the Empire with anything other than a few harmless strains of virulent bacteria, for 'experimental' purposes.

The UN has asked The Empire of Terrible Malice to allow UN Vet Inspectors into the country to look for evidence of breeding stations for Animals of Mass Destruction. This follows an accusation from Joccia that the Empire's president is currently developing an AMD programme in contravention of international law. Reports have been received that research into the use of a three legged hyena cicada/Joccian Fighting Guinea pig hybrid are well advanced

A statement from The Empire of Terrible Malice is expected

Late breaking news

A leaked report from HM Government sources suggests that there is a definate link between the Emperor of Terrible Malice and Ronald MacDonald, whose international terrorist network extends into every country in the known world.

The leak came as a complete surprise to us at the BBC as it came from inside the Ministry of Propaganda.

A spokesman for the Bleaugh Government told our reporter that he was deeply troubled by the leak, but things like that happen once you reach a certain age. On the subject of this report he said an internal inquiry would be set up to expose the identity of Mr P Peabody - the source of the information, but that the results of the inquiry would be kept secret along with Mr Peabody's name

This is outrages. This is a scandal. The accusations that Joccia are bringing against us are the worst international accusations in the history of our nation. We demand that Joccia stops spreading these lies about our government.

In addition our extremly effective police force has managed to capture all the beasts and we are now shipping them back to your nation. If we recive any more accusations, or vermin, from your country, we have no choise but to break all diplomatic bonds towards you.

- Vladim Viloshus
Minister of Arms & The Exterior

Breaking News

The BBC has just learnt that The Empire of Terrible Malice is indeed intending a major AMD strike against Joccia!

More news as we get it

This is 'Tasha Kopliminski reporting to you from down-town Killmaknock in Beautiful Joccia.

There is a scene of utter devastation around me. Houses with blue paintwork and orange curtains, mock stone cladding on the walls and people walking around in a daze wearing last years fashions.

This is the site of the latest atrocity by the Terrible Malice Empire or the T'me as I like to condescendingly call them. a few minutes ago, death rained from the skies as T'me launched an all out AMD attack on this lovely little country.

Several thousand people have already needed treatment for small bite and scratches and a young pensioner was nearly killed.

The scenes around me remind me of last time I was in Consett, County Durham. Awful, just awful