NationStates Jolt Archive

AP-BUNTERLAND: Nougat City, the capital of the Oppressed Peoples of Bunterland, was abuzz with activity this morning as the preternaturally mellow Bunterland People's Council finally addressed the issue of Hoggaria's egregious offenses against our environment.

For the past several months, Hoggaria's multi-billion hoggy adult film industry has been wreaking havoc on Bunterland's natural resources, dumping tons of what the Hoggarians diplomatically refer to as "booty byproduct" on our pristine shores. The lobster industry and surf shops have been perhaps irrevocably damaged.

Realizing that the populace of Bunterland would not allow this problem to be ignored much longer, People's Council spokesman Schill Branson held a press conference at 10 this morning. "Is this thing on?" he asked, unable to figure out how the microphone on the podium worked.

At 10:37, he continued, "Hoggaria, this just isn't cool. We're all for you making whatever kind of flicks you want. The one about the nurse and the pirate was particularly good, if I do say so. But why you got to be all up in our grill like this?"

When asked whether any action would be taken against Hoggaria, Branson responded, "Yeah, I mean... I guess. I don't want to start nothing, but there's smeg everywhere, dude."

Representatives from the land of Hoggaria have yet to respond to Branson's statements.

REUTERS-HOGGARIA: From Hoggville, the capital city of the Democratic States of Hoggaria, the Deputy Minister of Porn and Self-Assisted Suicide, Seymour Cocksburn, made a statement in response to Bunterland's complaints about "booty byproduct". An abbreviated transcript of the speech follows:

"I find it troubling that the people of Bunterland take such offense at some minor waste being dumped in one of the most underpopulated areas of their country. The amount of this so called smeg has been grossly overstated by the spin doctors in the Bunterland government. In addition, they don't take into account the fact that most of this stuff is biodegradable. Yes, right now it might seem a little nasty, but in a year, those shores will be teeming with life."

"If Bunterland wants us to stop blowing our proverbial load on their shores, then they need to lower porn tariffs and stop banning some of our racier films. We have warehouses full of porn that any Buntarian would love to see but the government won't allow"

Cocksburn went on to ask, "is anyone gonna eat that bacon?"

MNN News Brief – Tinsel Town, located in the Maddentopia province of Snorkel is Maddentopia’s largest producer of Tinsel. But today the Tinsel factories shut down and were quieted as truckloads of imported Tinsel from the Oppressed Peoples of Bunterland made their way over Maddentopia’s borders. Tinsel production union representative Han Jobs had the following to say, “Cheaper labor and better quality Tinsel has caused our factories to shut down, this will put dozens of people and some highly trained chimps out of a job. We need our government to take action and put the Tinsel back into Tinsel town!”

Maddentopias government has yet to respond to this egregious and somewhat lame incident. The general populace although elated with the thought of new high quality tinsel is very upset for the loss of jobs and strongly urges the government to take action.

If you ask this reporter he thinks the general populace is typically a bunch of morons, but isn’t one to walk away from good riot.

-Rock Hard Slab, MNN

[The following is a transcript of tapes recorded during a top secret cabinet meeting between Bunterland People's Council Chairman Paul E. Poundcake and his most trusted aide and former toughman competitor, Lenny "The Ragin' Cajun" LaRoy. These recordings are only partial, due to poor audio quality.]

LAROY: Hold it in, hold it in, dude!
POUNDCAKE: [Hacks, coughs] That's good [inaudible].
LAROY: The best. I got it from a dude in Hoggaria. He's got a van.
POUNDCAKE: Hee hee. "Van" is a funny word. Van, van, van.
LAROY: What are you going to do about them, by the way?
POUNDCAKE: Vans?
LAROY: No, Hoggaria. They're still dumping [inaudible]. Did you read that article?
POUNDCAKE: You know very well that I can't read.
LAROY: Hoggaria is saying that they're not going to stop dumping. And now they're spinning it like it's our fault. They even said we banned some of their movies.
POUNDCAKE: What? We don't ban anything in Bunterland.
LAROY: I know. They're so full of [inaudible].
POUNDCAKE: That's why I moved here. So I wouldn't get judged for my... lifestyle.
[Thirty seconds of awkward silence]
LAROY: Listen, I think we have to do something. Now Maddentopia is complaining about our tinsel exporting. Everything's going to [inaudible].
POUNDCAKE: You're killing my buzz, cheech.
LAROY: We have to protect ourselves. This is why we have a military.
POUNDCAKE: Our military is Jerry. He's got a crossbow and like three arrows.
LAROY: There are other ways to make waves in international waters.
POUNDCAKE: What did you have in mind?
[inaudible whispering, followed by girlish giggling]
POUNDCAKE: That's good. I like that. But we should be cool and give Hoggaria and Maddentopia a warning beforehand.
LAROY: You're one of the good ones, Paulie.
POUNDCAKE: Get me Cocksburn on the phone.
[the sound of a phone dialing]
LAROY: Hello, Cocksburn? This is the Ragin Cajun from Bunterland... this isn't Cocksburn? Who is it? Oh. Okay, can I get a large pepperoni with extra cheese?
POUNDCAKE: Get cinammon sticks! Get cinammon sticks!
[End of recording]

HNN-HOGGARIA: On the shelves this morning shoppers were greeted with the newest porno flick from Hoggaria's Internationally known Porn Industry. Titled "The Opressed Peephole of Humperland", the film was produced to make fun of Bunterlandians...as well help Hoggarians get their rocks off.

The film features a number of crappy actors acting like morons and performing poorly in bed (as well as on a bus, in a sub shop, under a garbage truck, and in Alan Thicke's empty swimming pool).

Local carnival worker, Sammy Smallhands commented on the film, "As a porno I didn't find it that enjoyable...but as a political statement, let's just say I'm on my way out to buy me more lotion....because I used all my other lotion....to masturbate with....I masturbate a lot...". <Sammy then just got quiet and we stared at the floor uncomfortably for a bit.>

Produced in under 48 hours at the cost of $143 and a bologna sandwich, it's predicted that the film will make back all costs minus the bologna sandwich. Bunterlandians have not responded to this overt insult yet, but if this film is any indication of what they will do, it's likely we'll see some hardcore threeway sex in taking place in a mini cooper...

[The following is a copy of a telegram sent from the Communications Office of People's Council of Bunterland to the Kingdom of Maddentopia.]

Dudes. STOP. How's it hanging? STOP. I regret to inform you that President Lincoln has been shot. STOP. Just kidding. STOP. I've always wanted to do that. STOP. Whoa - the Western Union dude just told me that I have to pay by the word. STOP. Do all the "stops" count as words? STOP. Because I ain't paying for those stops. STOP. Anyway, sorry about the tinsel thing. STOP. We'll cut down our tinsel exporting to Maddentopia by 50%. STOP. We'll also offer free training to your top tinsel executives to help your tinsel industry be more competitive. STOP. Our training sessions are awesome. STOP. Free brownies! STOP. But you've got to do something for us. STOP. Hoggaria's porn industry wouldn't exist without your plentiful lube mines. STOP. We're asking you to cut them off from their lube supply. STOP. Also, if you wanted to join us in a voluntary boycott of Hoggaria's adult films, that would be cool, too. STOP. These steps may seem extreme, but Hoggaria are just being jerks. STOP. Big jerks. STOP. In return for your support, any citizen of Maddentopia will receive half-off lapdances at Bunterland's gentlemen's clubs until New Year's. STOP. And you know that over here, lapdances are anything goes. STOP. Looking forward to attending the Stills, Messina, Garfunkel and Oates concert in Maddentopia in January. STOP.

Sincerely,
Conan McDougal McGee
Communications Director/Jai Alai Enthusiast
People's Council
The Oppressed Peoples of Bunterland

Mental note: don't swim in Bunterland

Doodle News, Maggie City-
News today of a feud between the neighboring nations of Bunterland and Hoggaria spread like wildfire through word-of-mouth. The news of the recent events caused the government to come to a complete standstill. Senior environmental advisor Peter P. Pumpkineater released a statement just moments ago.

"We the people of Magna Doodle would like to see and end to the hostilities between our friends, these two great nations. To stem the tide of war, we wish to offer technology to Bunterland that may be helpful. For years Magna Doodle has been powering much of its industry off of this so-called 'booty byproduct'. We feel that Bunterlandians simply aren't seeing the potential. We are currently dispatching a group of our brightest engineers to meet with officials from Bunterland to discuss building one of our famed desemination plants on their shoreline. We hope the good people of Bunterland will... will..."

Pumpkineater's statement was cut short as he noticed something shiny in the crowd and simply wandered away from the podium. If anyone has any information about the whereabouts of our Senior Environmental Advisor, please call the Doodle News Hotline.

More on this developing situation as it happens.

For Doodle News, this has been Noodle Dews.

This is an official letter from the Government of the Democratic States of Hoggaria.

We, the leadership of Hoggaria, decree that the way Bunterland has a stranglehold on Maddentopia's tinsel industry is a travesty. We call on all The South Pacific nations to join together in saying:

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to Bunterland"

Maddentopia has a rich culture and many of it's people are just plain hot. To do anything to put so many people out of work and cause so much pain to them is just terrible (Especially from a country like Bunterland that has caused so many other problems in the region).

To all The South Pacific countries, please do what you can to support the Maddentopians!

Sincerely,
The Government of the Democratic States of Hoggaria

To the government of Hoggaria: Yuck! Dudes we are willing to give you free of charge and a million Bucks if you take our modified Minesweeps. These minesweeps totally destroys booty juices, and our easy to maintain. Although We understand your right to do with your hot body as you see fit.....yuck. Don't stink up other peoples water

[The following is a transcript from a recent report on WBUNT 69.9, Bunterland's #1 source for headline news and novelty songs about squirrels.]

ANCHOR: Here, with the breaking news on the Cholera Coast town of Little JoMama is correspondent LaGuardia De La Cruz Perez.

PEREZ: Thank you, Stone. The usually sleepy/hungover fishing and surfing community of Little JoMama was rocked early this morning by massive explosions emanating from the newly installed Lorenzo Lamas Memorial Desemination Plant.

RESIDENT: I came outside to "water the sidewalk," if you know what I'm saying and BOOM! Followed by BANG! Then, like three quick WHAPs, followed by like a minute of HSSSSSS. Although, that might have been me.

PEREZ: It's difficult to assess the damage at this point, but it appears that the explosion caused massive environmental damage and may have even contributed to the death of some old guy, although he was old so he was probably going to die soon anyway. The people expected to be hit hardest by this disaster? The sausage fisherman.

FISHERMAN: The Cholera Coast is the only place in the world where the elusive sausage fish exists. It combines the salty sophistication of the sausage with the plucky devil-may-care hijinx of the fish. It's a delicacy. But now I guess I'm going to have to go back to my old job - staring at radio reporters until they give me a dollar to leave them alone.

PEREZ: Um... the Lorenzo Lamas Memorial Desemination Plant, or TLLMDP, was recently installed by the Empire of Magna Doodle as an attempt to ease tensions between Bunterland and the hostile government of Hoggaria. Was this explosion a coincidence or an act of sabotage by the Magna Doodle government? Bunterland People Council spokesman Schill Branson held an impromptu press in the parking lot of the McDonald's on I-220.

BRANSON: Look, I'm not accusing Magna Doodle of being in cahoots with Hoggaria or anything. But whether this is sabotage or gross incompetence, the People's Council of Bunterland expects the Magna Doodlians - or is it Magna Doodle-ologists? - to make amends for this egregious disaster. Now if you'll excuse me, my McRib is probably ready.

PEREZ: This reporter didn't have the heart to tell Branson that the McRib is only availabe for a limited time. It's a sad, sad day in Bunterland. From Little JoMama, this is LaGuardia De La Cruz Perez reporting. Stone?

His Royal Majesty, King Richard the Flying Squirrel Hearted cut his vacation at Camp Baseball Bunch short today due to the increasing tensions between The Oppressed Peoples of Bunterland and the Democratic States of Hoggaria. He was heard mumbling as he departed from his helicopter “God I miss that chicken!”

Sources have confirmed that His Royal Majesty had received a telegram from The Oppressed Peoples of Bunterland shortly after arriving at his office in the Hall of Justice. No word as of yet what the telegram proposes, but reports have been coming in that a news cast out of Hoggaria seems to think that Bunterland may be proposing some type of alliance and or a reduction on tinsel importation. His Royal Majesty has scheduled a press conference for eight tonight to address the growing tensions and this mysterious communication from The Oppressed Peoples of Bunterland.

Tinsel union rep. Han Jobs had the following to say regarding a potential block on tinsel importation. “I’m torn, on one hand I’m enjoying the time off and on the other hand we’ve already started converting our factories into porn warehouses, so I guess what I’m trying to say is I never liked tinsel to begin with. I’m really a very unhappy man…..”

There you have it, a very unhappy man. I think there’s a little bit of unhappy man in all of us. Be sure to tune into our full coverage of His Royal Majesty’s press conference this evening at 8PM.

Press Conference 8PM 12/11/03

This is Lance Sweck reporting to you live from the press room in the Hall of Justice where His Royal Majesty King Richard The Flying Squirrel Hearted is about to speak. We assume he will be addressing the rising pressure between The Oppressed Peoples of Bunter Land and The Democratic States of Hoggaria.

Oh… here comes the king now… oops, he just tripped stepping up to the podium but he seems to be ok. Yup he just waved to the press and smiled he seems to be ok and is beginning.

The King stands at a podium with a number of microphones in front of him as he looks straight into the camera.

King: “My fellow Maddentopians, it has been brought to my attention that the once peace loving countries of The Oppressed Peoples of Bunter Land and The Democratic States of Hoggaria are on the verge of war. Today I received two messages, one from each country. Both of them asking for our support and having solid arguments as to why we should support them. We, the government of Maddentopia, enjoy our relationships with both countries, so we make this proposal.

We will reduce but not out right stop our importation of lube to Hoggaria.
To my friends in Hoggaria, it is true we are a culture rich in history and hot citizens” (Crowd applauds and cheers, but quickly silences) But I must stand by my old Persimmons College frat brother Sid “Kegaroo” Johnson who is currently Secretary of Cheese, Tobacco, and Firearms for The Oppressed Peoples of Bunter Land… PERSIMMONS SNORKS RULE!!

I will try to remain as impartial as possible when it comes to matters between these two nations, but completely support my friends in The Oppressed Peoples of Bunter Land. Thank you for your time”

King steps down from the podium and leaves the room in a hurry.

Lance Sweck: Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen, Persimmons Snorks Rule. The press and citizens of Maddentopia anxiously await the reaction from the rest of the world to the Kings comments. Back to Liza Snarzo with follow up to todays events.

HNN: Breaking News - It's been reported that the People's Republic of Bariumenemania has recently proposed an alternative place for The Democratic States of Hoggaria to dump the booty byproduct produced by it's internationally known porn industry. Ironically enough it's right in Bariumenemainia. That's right - scientists in Bariumenemainia may have found a use for this booty product. If scientific tests prove accurate, the introduction of booty byproduct into the Bariumenemainia Trout industry could increase trout size by 40%. If successful, this could be a huge windfall for the Bariumenemainian economy and possibly help alleviate tensions between The Oppressed People of Bunterland and Hoggaria. Stay tuned for more news of the Bariumenemainia proposal.

Reuters: International Waters - Last night at approximately 3am the following exchange between two The South Pacific countries was intercepted

The Democratic States of Hoggaria
Have you heard that the people of Bunterland like to drown puppies for sport. It's sick. If you're against puppies being drowned, feel free to drop Bunterland a message and let them know how you feel!

The Nomadic Peoples of Murtunia
Are you just trying to get people to annoy the hell out of Bunterland.

The Democratic States of Hoggaria
You look at Bunterland's flag and tell me they don't drown puppies. It's their national sport!

The Nomadic Peoples of Murtunia
So you assume that their nation sport is puppy dorowning?

The Democratic States of Hoggaria
I don't assume anything. They've been bragging about it for the last few days. Here's part of a message they sent me:

Esteemed people of Hoggaria - you're invited to the 3rd annual Bunterland Puppy Drowning competition. It's like the biathalon except instead of cross country skiing and shooting things, we chase puppies and murder them. It's fun for the whole family!!! RSVP regrets...

The Oppressed People of Bunterland are sick sick people!!!

The Nomadic Peoples of Murtunia
OK, so make a UN proposal that bans the drowning of puppies for sport.
Also, since you obviously hate these people, why do you endorse each other?

The Democratic States of Hoggaria
We endorse each other out of spite. That's all you need to know...

The Nomadic Peoples of Murtunia
Ummm...sure. *stares with confused look*

The Sultan of Scaraba sees where both Hoggaria and Bunterland are coming from, and wishes to lend his support to Hoggaria, provided he is immediately shipped the directors cut of his favorite film "Come With Me, Amputee". As for the smeg, could not Bunterland simply hire some cum-guzzling sluts to clean the shores of the unwanted product? These girls have no shame, and Scaraba is willing to provide them at below cost.

The following is a statement from the head of the Magna Doodle Ministry of Entertainment, Bob South:
We the people of Magna Doodle, in order to form a more perfect union, would like to partake the sale of cum-guzzling sluts from Scaraba. Although we may not use them to clean our shores, I am certain we can find a use for them. We think the price is right too.
Viva la Scaraba!

HNN: Hoggaria - From the Deputy Secretary for Porn and Breakfast product's office: Today a new day dawns for both the Democratic States of Hoggaria and The Sultanate of Scaraba. As we have suspected for a long time, the Sultan of Scaraba is a wise man. So not only will we be sending him the director's cut of "Come with me, Amputee" but another classic film of the same genre "Prosthetic Heaven II: It's Stumpin Time". Both will be of course delivered with a fine selection of salted meats and pork chops. We look forward to developing further relations with Scaraba.

Sultan Thank You Speech: The Sultan is a man who gives thanks where thanks is due. And tonight, we'll all witness a gesture of thanks grandiose in it's execution and delivery. To the slut-exporting relations with these great nations, I want to show TONIGHT! The film which I have made, free of charge, for distribution to the pornless worldwide.

Movie Review: Big Meat Sultan!
Big Meat Sultan is a hearty romp through the always eccentric Sultan's masturbatory escapades. From ripping off and taping up limbs of blow-up dolls to form amputees to the horrific use of salted pork loins, Big Meat Sultan is sure to please everyone.