New Product Discovered!!!
Guinness Extra Cold
25-11-2003, 05:06
The hard working and equilibrium challenged scientists at the Dominion of Guinness Extra Cold have made a breakthrough discovery that is sure to draw minute interest from the international community.
While working on an immortality serum for certain denizens of an unspeakably evil and dark dimension, CEO and Dominar Olliver Mcfibbish’s brother-in-law Gary accidentally drank the prototype.
Instead of turning him into a giant, city destroying amorphous blob (as was expected after the first couple test rounds. Once again we give our condolences to the families from the Grand Duchy of Hiboux for the “incident,” we really didn’t expect that) he remained exactly the same, “interesting” body odor and all!
12 hours of quarantine and some unnecessary probing, our flabbergasted scientists let him wander to the local pub where he proceeded to make out with a coat rack for about three hours.
After dissecting his optical nerves, our R&D boys have concluded that instead of satisfying our contract requirements with some Demon Lord, we have discovered a beverage that gives Semi-Permanent Beer Goggles!!!!!
Our scientists are unsure whether it was because of their proximity to the local uranium mines, a colony of what can best be described as flying rabbits found in the rafters of the distillery/laboratory or because of a loosely interpreted health code.
The affects of the liquid have been discovered to provide the “victim” with the impression that the person they are talking to or looking at is actually the most attractive individual they have ever seen! This effect takes hold approximately 13 hours after consumption and lasts for... *talks to someone off camera* How long did Gary make out with that piece of furniture? 3 days!
Never one to pass up on opportunity to shove another product down the throat of the over-fed, obese consuming product. Our Marketing department has rushed the new beverage through health and product testing and is now glad to offer:
Optical Reality Beer
We are offering this fantastic and mind-altering substance for the low low price of 1000 dollars per keg. Order now and get a free street urchin to clean your house, shuffle menacingly outside your door or just lay unconcious in front of your car!
Legal Disclaimer
The government of Guinness Extra Cold takes no responsibility for side effects or bad decisions made while under the influence of Optical Reality Beer or its main component, The Omega Strain. We also take no responsibility for uses other than those advertised including espionage, covert and overt intelligence collection, foreign political manipulation and assassination.
To our esteemed neighbours Guinness Extra Cold,
The Ruling Council National Worker's Ball is once again upon us, and the Leadership has encountered a serious problem. The Supreme Ruler wishes his daughter to enter into a marriage of convenience that will bind powerful elites together, destroy competitors and reap billions in nepotism and shady contracting. Our annual NWB is the perfect occasion more her to meet such a suitor, with the greedy and corrupt descending upon the capital for a night of revelrie, prostitution and gambling.
However, the Supreme Ruler's daughter is...well, hmmm...let's just say she has a GREAT personality. We thus require 450 kegs of your miracle brew to make our esteemed guests somewhat more "amicable" towards her advances. This order must be shipped as soon as possible; as I'm sure you have gathered by now, we care little for some useless formalities as "thorough testing" and "health department approval". The lineage of our great system depends on you! Your humble servants,
The Ruling Council of the United Socialist States of FDI Opportunity
P.S: (off the record) please please please please get that order shipped on time. Our Supreme Leader has informed us that if we do not solve his family dilemma, the NWB could easily become a "bloody execution party".
Guinness Extra Cold
25-11-2003, 05:33
To our esteemed neighbours Guinness Extra Cold,
The Ruling Council National Worker's Ball is once again upon us, and the Leadership has encountered a serious problem. The Supreme Ruler wishes his daughter to enter into a marriage of convenience that will bind powerful elites together, destroy competitors and reap billions in nepotism and shady contracting. Our annual NWB is the perfect occasion more her to meet such a suitor, with the greedy and corrupt descending upon the capital for a night of revelrie, prostitution and gambling.
However, the Supreme Ruler's daughter is...well, hmmm...let's just say she has a GREAT personality. We thus require 450 kegs of your miracle brew to make our esteemed guests somewhat more "amicable" towards her advances. This order must be shipped as soon as possible; as I'm sure you have gathered by now, we care little for some useless formalities as "thorough testing" and "health department approval". The lineage of our great system depends on you! Your humble servants,
The Ruling Council of the United Socialist States of FDI Opportunity
P.S: (off the record) please please please please get that order shipped on time. Our Supreme Leader has informed us that if we do not solve his family dilemma, the NWB could easily become a "bloody execution party".
To the Glorious and Perturbed members of FDI Opportunity,
We ourselves have had to deal with the issue of arranged marriage, before discovering our miracle brew we had to bribe/import/threaten with imprisonment women to go out with the CEO's brother-in-law Gary. The kegs have been filled and are on their way to your capital. To speed up the delivery, our drivers have been told to ignore all school zones and cross walks. By the Dark Lord MgBaagert, that beer will get there no matter how many puppies and children have to perish!
:shock:
Most Illustrious Leader of Guinness,
Spawned as you were in the maw of Satan, we are nevertheless intrigued by your new product. Would it be suitable for diplomatic gatherings and UN fact-finding missions? We are placing an order for 50 vats for experim - er, tasting.
Your fee, converted by our accountants to bronze rods, will arrive shortly in 16 5 tonne triremes.
Regards & May Brimstone Smite Ye Mightily,
From your Friends
The Jebusites
Guinness Extra Cold
25-11-2003, 06:01
:shock:
Most Illustrious Leader of Guinness,
Spawned as you were in the maw of Satan, we are nevertheless intrigued by your new product. Would it be suitable for diplomatic gatherings and UN fact-finding missions? We are placing an order for 50 vats for experim - er, tasting.
Your fee, converted by our accountants to bronze rods, will arrive shortly in 16 5 tonne triremes.
Regards & May Brimstone Smite Ye Mightily,
From your Friends
The Jebusites
To the Gowned and Holy nation of Jebusites,
We recognize the long relationship between libations and the clergy and would be happy to provide for you our beverage. One could say that it was blessed by God, not yours, but one of them.
Our VP Finance fondly remembers his childhood during holiday season. Attending the Church of Guinness at Blissmass when the priest would lead the congregation in lords prayer before stumbling around and accusing random parishiners of infedility. Brings a tear to all our eyes!
CEO and Dominar Olliver Mcfibbish
Met’agona Stephanos
Guinness Extra Cold
25-11-2003, 06:33
Don't forget to pay your waitress and finish your BUMP in the bar.
To the exalted leaders of Guinness Extra Cold,
Our National Worker's Ball was a stunning success, with our Supreme Leader's daughter receiving no less that 400 marriage proposals (not counting the 200 who we think were trying to seduce her chair instead).
She dutifully ensnared the future heir of the Ginormous Banking empire as he struggled to fight off the imaginary advances of several drapes and marble pillars. The wedding will be held in two weeks time at the People's Rather Huge Hall, and you are cordially invited. Without your wonderful product, our First Daughter would still be forced to use the intelligence services to find her "boyfriends". I guess the black vans and the billy clubs can now be put away; it is a time of great celebration in this land! Open the liquor pipeline, flood the capital!
The Exuberant Ruling Council of the United Socialist States of FDI Opportunity
P.S: Only one execution at the annual event, a new record.
The foreign and trade ministry of Cuparhead is leading a delegation of breweries and pub chains to the land of Guinness Extra Cold.
It wishes to open up negotiations to become the exlusive importer of the miracle brew in the region of Bigtopia.
We will also work with your brewing industry scientists to fine tune the product, with the launch of Britney, Kylie and Cameron variaities of the ORB that will make every man's loving wife look like the afore-mentioned godesses.
The corporation of Akimi would like to buy 200 kegs of the miracle brew! It will surely solve all of our diplomatic relations! We've sent a canoe!
Guinness Extra Cold
27-11-2003, 15:33
The foreign and trade ministry of Cuparhead is leading a delegation of breweries and pub chains to the land of Guinness Extra Cold.
It wishes to open up negotiations to become the exlusive importer of the miracle brew in the region of Bigtopia.
We will also work with your brewing industry scientists to fine tune the product, with the launch of Britney, Kylie and Cameron variaities of the ORB that will make every man's loving wife look like the afore-mentioned godesses.
The Nation of Guinness Extra Cold is more than happy to accomodate the esteemed delegation from Cuparhead and Culzean Avenue. We have kicked some regulars from their seats at the bar and have ordered several frosty ones in anticipation.
We wait for your confirmation of travel plans, in the meantime we have found some nudy playing cards and are laughing sheepishly to ourselves.
The corporation of Akimi would like to buy 200 kegs of the miracle brew! It will surely solve all of our diplomatic relations! We've sent a canoe.
That must be one big canoe, but order confirmed nonetheless.
Central Facehuggeria
27-11-2003, 15:41
Miracle beer? I'll take a thousand kegs! *Money wired*
The foreign and trade ministry of Cuparhead is leading a delegation of breweries and pub chains to the land of Guinness Extra Cold.
It wishes to open up negotiations to become the exlusive importer of the miracle brew in the region of Bigtopia.
We will also work with your brewing industry scientists to fine tune the product, with the launch of Britney, Kylie and Cameron variaities of the ORB that will make every man's loving wife look like the afore-mentioned godesses.
The Nation of Guinness Extra Cold is more than happy to accomodate the esteemed delegation from Cuparhead and Culzean Avenue. We have kicked some regulars from their seats at the bar and have ordered several frosty ones in anticipation.
We wait for your confirmation of travel plans, in the meantime we have found some nudy playing cards and are laughing sheepishly to ourselves.
The corporation of Akimi would like to buy 200 kegs of the miracle brew! It will surely solve all of our diplomatic relations! We've sent a canoe.
That must be one big canoe, but order confirmed nonetheless.
Oh it IS...Myessssssssss...*pours half of it into a lake* :twisted: