NationStates Jolt Archive

Emperor Jake Smith was drunk. He was usually drunk. His advisers got used to it. This particular day, he was in his office, which was decked out with porno posters.

"Get in here, Jones!" he called with a belch.

"Yessir," came the answer of his foreign relations secretary, who didn't have much of a job.

"Send a message to," he paused to throw up in the wastebasket and take a swig of whiskey, "every world leader. Tell them that we're declaring war on them." He paused again for some maniacal laughter, and another vomiting session. "All of them."

"Um, yessir," Jones replied. Whenever Smith told him to do this, he decided not to. He had no wish to have the nation levelled.

"And actually do it this time, Jones."

So the Emperor had noticed. Damn.

"Could a couple of guards escort him to the communications station? Yeah. Thanks. He passed out on the desk drooling, and a pair of guards moved to escort Jones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TRANSMISSION TO ALL WORLD LEADERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This to to, uh, tell you of our nation's future plans. We, uh, are declaring war on all of you. With our, uh, vastly superior military, we will demolish you. I recommend that you surrender now."

Jones broke down crying.

"Our nation is going to be crushed! My family! Please, don't--"

Jones was dead before he hit the ground, and the transmission was cut.

OOC: EDIT: changed "universe" in title to "world"

"Sir, you got a message. It's" *Looks at cd* "very,burp,impor,tant?"
"Tell me, how can something be so important if it has a burp in it? Play it"
"Very well, sir."
*The young man puts it in and the message plays*
"You got to be kidding."
"Um, no I'm not sir."
"Ignore it unless he attacks."
"Very well sir."
*The young man leaves and by the time he got out the president bursted out laughing.*

OOC: You might have noticed the messenger's breakdown and untimely death.

OOC- Ya but the post ain't finished the president will contact General Axe and investigate it further to find out what nation sent this.

OOC: mkay.

Premier Riyth appears on a direct communication link with Carkanian leaders...

"We unconditionally surrend-" An aid rushes up to the premier and starts whispering something in his ear. "What the deuce? Launch all nuclear missiles. Hahahahahahhaha, no seriously, you're going to die."

And with that the television clicked off.

*The president contacts Tom Axe Sr. to see if this might be considered a threat.*

"Sir, I have arrived."

"Tom, watch this."

*The president turns on the DVD drive and the t.v and shows it to Tom*

"Well, Mr. Kurlej judging by the backround I'd have to say that the nation is a very new early space-tech but how old the nation is, I don't really know."

"Well, do you consider this a threat?"

"I consider any nation that has any kinds of space-tech a threat and is willing to use it."

"So what do we do know?"

"Nothing, just wait."

"Very well."

Premier Riyth appears on a direct communication link with Carkanian leaders...

"We unconditionally surrend-" An aid rushes up to the premier and starts whispering something in his ear. "What the deuce? Launch all nuclear missiles. Hahahahahahhaha, no seriously, you're going to die."

And with that the television clicked off.

OOC: I'm going to ignore that on the grounds that you wouldn't use your entire nuclear arsenal on a preemptive strike against a tiny nation when you just saw someone pleading for his family. Unless you've RP'ed an insame evil dictator that doesn't care about world opinion...

OOC- good point.

OOC- No like you have a space program (small one), not big ships.

*The president contacts Tom Axe Sr. to see if this might be considered a threat.*

"Sir, I have arrived."

"Tom, watch this."

*The president turns on the DVD drive and the t.v and shows it to Tom*

"Well, Mr. Kurlej judging by the backround I'd have to say that the nation is a very new early space-tech but how old the nation is, I don't really know."

"Well, do you consider this a threat?"

"I consider any nation that has any kinds of space-tech a threat and is willing to use it."

"So what do we do know?"

"Nothing, just wait."

"Very well."

OOC: No space tech, only present. Please edit accordingly.

OOC- No like you have a space program (small one), not big ships.

OOC: Nothing. Zip. Nada. Sorry.

OOC- i'll do better!
IC- "Mr. President could I watch that again?"
"Yes, of course."
*plays it again*
"Sorry sir, make that modern."
"Modern!?"
*bursts out laughing*
"Um, sir someone died, i think they're serious."
"Dop'h!"

ooc- maybe change the title if you want no space tech. If you read war on entire universe that would include space tech considering youd need it to fight the universe and win...........

OOC- Maybe IF he takes a nation over he'll take the tech.

ooc- maybe change the title if you want no space tech. If you read war on entire universe that would include space tech considering youd need it to fight the universe and win...........

OOC: changed.

Just then General McSirus came rushing into the throne room and played the message on monitor screen.

McSirus: Your Greatness it seems this nation is declaring war on us

Maximix Cacoolix stood up, thought for a secound and then repsonded.

Maximix: Burry them, get the BattleShip Maximix loaded with 15 Metal Gear Ray's and 15 Metal Gear Rex's, we have a ntion to conquer, and make sure General...

McSirus: Yes Your Greatness?

Maximix: Make sure that my chair is ready for me on the controll deck

McSirus: Yes Your Greatness but one question...

Maximix: What General?

McSirus: Why are we doing this and why such a small attack force?

Maximix: Simple....this nation is young and small....It will be a perfect place to dump crimanls once we own it

IC: The declaration of war message finished playing, several of the generals already had tears pouring from their eyes they were laughing hard.

"This guy has got to be...." the president couldn't finish as he tried to recover from the laughter. Having a break from the normal red tape and day to day operation of his nation was always welcome.

"Ok...I'm good now. Here is what we'll do. I want a thank you card, preferably a hallmark one, on my desk by the end of the day so i can sign it and send it to that nation's government. Also, since the Winter's warriors division is mobilized and has combat experience, redeploy them with our one of our new Iowas as support to that country. I want their president's head on a pike... as for their military and the rest of the people, harm no one unless they attack you first" Ethran ordered.

"Ah hell sir, can't we just send a few of our A-10s to blow up their headquarters?" asked General Lexington, commander of the Winter's Warriors.

"Nah, it will kill other people to, although I suppose...who was it again, coropral Jackman? Yeah, Jackman, send him and his squad to execute their president. God, we should have a law against stupidity..." Ethran chuckled.

"He'll be dead before the week is out sir!" Lexington replied.

*Kurlej gets a call from Tom Axe Jr. that nations are deploying warships*

"What! We want it first! Where is the nearest port to him?"

"The east coast of Kurlej, sir."

"Deploy the S.S Power House (super carrier) and it's escorts."

"Why, sir?"

"I want to use it to test some of our experimental weapons."

"Anything else?"

"Send them a message to surrender and give up some of their land to us. If he doesn't reply in 6 hours we attack him. Get those ships off his coast."

"Very well, sir."

The Rogue State of Exonerate would like to offer its condolences to the nation of Carkania, which will most likely be devastated completely in the upcoming military attacks.

We would like to offer amnesty to all refugees fleeing the country, and urge all nations to reconsider their actions, and instead, remove the insane dictator from his position of power.

One of the officers from the Foreign Affairs ministry looked at the transmission.

Be smacked is head, shook it, and sighed. "Damnit, another world-hating zealot declaring war on us. At least this declaration is well-written," he said to his fellow coworkers as he put the print to trash. "Delete it."

"Uh, sir," called the General Maxwell Josephson. "Wake up. We're under attack. A battleship is in our waters."

"WHAT!? Deploy our navy to repel them!"

"Sir, we don't have a navy."

"Deploy it anyway!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A rowboat with three men in it sails towards the battleship.





OOC: Gotta go!

*The president gets his office ready and makes sure everything is in place.*

"Emperor of Carkania, surrender now and you will not be destroyed. Give us some land and we will try to do peace-talks with the other nations or just give them some land. You have 6 hours to reply to this message. I repeat 6 hours.."

"Tom, tell Captain Hans to prepare the sips."

"Yes, sir."

The battleship known as The S.S Maximix could be seen in the distance. On board the emperor gave his orders.

Maximix: Ok men this is a break compared to what we have been threw, when you land you are only to attack military personal and military structures. I will say this once DO NOT KILL ANY CIVILIANS unless they fire upon you first. Now all of you get to the Metal Gears and get ready we land very shortly!

The men rushed off down to the room ware the MG's were and General McSirus spoke up.

McSirus: Your Greatness cant you rethink this over I mean....this is like dropping napalm on a kindergarden....it isnt right or fair at all.

Maximix: McSirus when was war ever fair? Thats what I thought you your orders, disobay them and you will be quickly replaced.

The Emperor returned to the controll deck

"Tom, did they reply yet?"

"No, the ships should be arriving soon."

"Want to know something it's kinda mean for nations to declare war on someone so young. Get the ships there and tell them to not attack unless the attack first."

"Yes sir."

Corporal Jackman and his squad deployed via Arctic Hawk choppers launched from the CTS Valiant, one of the fleet's Hammerhead landing craft. Their Arctic Hawk had made short work of a rowboat loaded with three men, the men were alive, but it was a lengthy swim back to shore and they would be soaking wet for hours afterwards.

Jackman and the 6 other men of his special ops squad maneuvered through the city, until they came up to a line of Stromatan Metal Gears. "What the hell are Stromatan troops doing here..." asked private Fulcrum.

"No idea, but they sure as hell don't need our help with those metal gears, continue on the mission!" Jackman ordered as they came out onto the street and made their way to the capital building alongside the Stromatan Metal gears, occasionally exchanging a few words and jokes.

Corporal Jackman and his squad deployed via Arctic Hawk choppers launched from the CTS Valiant, one of the fleet's Hammerhead landing craft. Their Arctic Hawk had made short work of a rowboat loaded with three men, the men were alive, but it was a lengthy swim back to shore and they would be soaking wet for hours afterwards.

Jackman and the 6 other men of his special ops squad maneuvered through the city, until they came up to a line of Stromatan Metal Gears. "What the hell are Stromatan troops doing here..." asked private Fulcrum.

"No idea, but they sure as hell don't need our help with those metal gears, continue on the mission!" Jackman ordered as they came out onto the street and made their way to the capital building alongside the Stromatan Metal gears, occasionally exchanging a few words and jokes.

the stromata metal gears stomped towards the capital building, the leader of the squad Rudger Lobroski gave orders (red neck sounding kind of fellow)

Rudger: Ok boys you now da deal, I want this palce surrounded any one trys to leave shoot em, if they surrender then get on over to em and hogtie the fellers and memeber NO KILLIN CIVILIANS UNLESS THEY NICK YA FIRST! Ok boys lets move out YYYEEEEHHHHAAAA!!!!!

The metal gears storm around the capital building and completely surround it

"Sir the ships have arrived."

"Tell them to go to their capital."

"How?"

"Through helicopters maybe?"

"Okay sir."

(((Power House and it's escorts, get the troops into the capital.))

(((Sir, there are troops here already.)))

(((I really don't care. Tell our troops to ask the other troops what are they doing and capture their capital.)))

(((Yes sir)))

(((Also, don't even shoot.)))

(((Very well.)))

So the copters deployed and with all the copters troops put together there were 100 troops. When they arrived they were slightly behind of the other troops and they tryed to catch up so they can ask what they were doing.

"Hey what are you doing here!"

The Foxxinnian Prezident had just finished watching the address looking slightly puzzled. He turned to the Secertary of Countries Far Different From Our Own. "What country is this?"
"Umm... Carkania I believe."
"Have I ever met them before?"
"No."
"Do we trade with them?"
"No."
"Then why are they declaring war?"
"I'm not sure the president of the country was...well, sober."
"Well sober or...uhh...oh yeah drunk. A declaration of war is a declaration of war. Are our troops back from Sweden?"
"For a while."
"Good. Let's just start bombing."
"Is it wise to attack a country we know nothing about?"
"Well I thought that you were the Secertary of Countries Far Different From Our Own? Shouldn't you know?"
"I'll find out."
"You will? Oh... yeah hurry up and do that."

--------------------
http://bl.net/music/images/plastikman.gif
We're gona bomb you 'till the sun doesn't rise and then we're gona make scrambled eggs on the ovens of your own cities places.

OOC: Sorry to butt in, but I have to say this is the coolest "i declare war on the world" post I have ever seen. Great job at making the nOObish idea really actually a good RP! *pats him on the back*

OOC- Yes, instead of blasting you with nukes and other things they actually RPing it.

As the Metal Gears march towards the capitol building, all of the people in the streets cheer. One of them steps forward.

"Sirs, If you'r looking for our leader, he's in the Naked Goat Pub. It's a few streets over," he called.

Suddenly, the crowd noticed the other group of soldiers coming from the other direction. Another wave of cheering ensued. Several Carkanian soldiers come out of a building, also cheering. They were unarmed.


OOC: Could no more people jump in and invade? We already have 3, and that's enough.

OOC: Could no more people jump in and invade? We already have 3, and that's enough.

[ooc: No objection here.]

DIPLOMATIC COMMUNIQUE {
From: Office of N00b Affairs, Goobergunchian Defense Ministry
To: Carkanian Emperor
GDCC#2210 {
Seeing no reason to take your threat seriously, Goobergunchia will not be taking action at this time. However, your nation will be closely monitored.
}}

Corporal Jackman and his squad stopped their slow, crouched approach as the people of the city, and even the soldiers, started cheering them and lined the streets, throwing flowers and other tokens at them. Jackman was the first to straighten up, "Thank you! Thank you! It's good to be here!" he took bow after bow.

Several young women ran up to the men and kissed them as they made their way to the bar. Finally they approached the bar, all of them with women on their arms, and went in.

"Hey everybody! Where's this president of yours?!" Jackman yelled as he got his rifle ready to blow away whoever was identified as the president.

Hearing the ruckus, a barmaid tuck her ehad out of the door and called, "In here! In here!"

The emporer's guards, figuring out what was happening, drew their weapons and formed a semicircle around their intoxicated leader.

"Okay men, give me two rifles, and I'll handle everything else."

"Yes sir."

The leader walked up to the back of the bar and went through the back door.

"My eyes! They burn! Don't do that to a goat!"
He closes the door right away.

"OMG, that was haunting. Better warn the other men that are here."

He goes to the front of the bar and yells at the top of his lungs
"DON'T GO IN! FOLLOW ME AND I'LL SHOW YOU! JUST TAKE SOME SUNGLASSES. TRUST ME YOU'LL NEED THEM!"

This thread is being officially reported on by The Nationstates News (NSN).

OOC- Why?

OOC: Gimme a LINK! I gotta see this!

Hey, no speculation on who I actually am? C'mon!

BUMP

BUMP

[tag]

Oracle: Oranos, we gather here at the temple to ask of your advice......

the sky clears of clouds

Oracle: A nation has threatened to destroy us all what do we do?

the clouds begin moving, and they reveal the word: ignore

Oracle: Oranos has spoken this man is obviously foolish to challenge the entire world.... thank you, Oranos

the sky returns to normal

Corporal Jackman and his squad heard the warning, so they quickly whipped out their oakleys and donned them. They told the women with them to wait for a few seconds while they fulfilled their mission. They went up to the door, readied their weapons, called out to their unknown allies behind the bar, "3...2...1!" Jackman yelled very loud to ensure the others outside could hear, a flashbang he had drawn and armed when he started counting left his hand and entered the backroom where it went off, blinding its occupants for a few seconds as the special ops squad burst through the door.

The First Lord was leaning back on his favorite leather chair, smoking a cigar, and looking out his window at New Copenhagen. An aid burst into the office holding a data crystal, the First Lord gave the man a dirty look for interrupting his peace.

"Sir, you should take a look at this, our embassy in Nankin intercepted this and sent it immediately," the aid's lips were twitching like he wanted to smile.

The First Lord noticed this and his frowned depened, "This had better be damned important, otherwise I'm going to gut you with my sword for interrupting my quiet time!"

The aid nodded and inserted the data crystal into the player. As the message began playing the leader of the Star League had an expression that could only be translated as 'You've got to be shitting me' and then when the man broke down and was shot the expression changed to pure shock. He slowly looked over to the aid and asked, "What's today's date?"

"Novermber 17th, sir," The aid answered.

"This is a joke, right? Some prank that the diplomatic staff put you up to?" The question had an incredulous tone to it.

The aid bit his lip for fear of breaking out into laughter and just shook his head.

"Well whatever it is, it's the funniest thing I've seen in years," that was mixed with slight laughter and then when the First Lord finished talking the laughter turned hysterical with tears running down his face. The aid somehow managed to maintain his composure during the entire laughing fit, although not without enormous effort. Finally the First Lord picked himself off the floor and adopted a serious look on his face, "Because that was so damn funny, I'm going to give you thirty seconds to get the hell out of my office and hide. I suggest you make it good, otherwise I will hang you from the roof by your ankles."

The aid ran for all he was worth and the First Lord sat down to enjoy the rest of his cigar.

George W. Bush was playing hot potato in his office with a mirror, not knowing why he ended up losing all the time when Dick Cheney said "Get out of my office, I got a war to capitalize on!"

Andorice News, Wednesday November 19th, Andorician Capitol Building.
Today, Premier Shtanzbeck held a press conference for a few of Andorice's highest rated TV news channels, he announced some very peculiar news, Carkania, a relatively new nation has apparently declared war on the world, the announcement was followed by a lightened mood in the press room. "The United Socialist States of Andorice would like to first express its condolences to the people of Carkania, who are now under occupation by three countries. Andorice also asks the countries to please leave Carkania a free state, it is unfair the the people of that nation to lose their freedoms because of a rogue emperor who they did not put into power", said Premier Shtanzbeck. It is unclear at the current time what will happen in Carkania, though it is clear that there is no threat to Andorice.

*The leader heads for the back dooe and slowly opens eyes*

"He's asleep. Good. Now lets shoot him."

*The leader's weapons fire shots at the sleeping body along with the other men's rifles.*

"I think he's dead, but then again."

*His weapons blaze again.*

"I think he's dead now. Bye, my mission is complete. Okay men time to head back home!"

Unsure of how they felt about their leader actually being dead, the mod faltered in their cheering. Then one of the women let out a cheer and the rest of te crowd followed suit.
It seemed like every single female in town was trying to drag the soldiers back to their place, and someone had started to light fireworks. The guards slipped away into the crowd, trying to look like they were supposed to be there.

"Heh, men you can stay a bit longer, but set up camp. I'll get some vodka and wine while you set it up."

*The men set up camp and the leader got on the chinook and left*

Jackman and his squad burst into the backroom of the bar and found...nothing. The whole squad moaned and stood up straight, then they heard the cheering crowds outside go silent for a few seconds, then cheer even louder. Their mission was accomplished by someone else.

"So we came all this way for nothing?" one of the squadmembers moaned.

Jackman opened the door and looked back into the bar, a large crowd of beautiful young women had gathered upon hearing of Jackman's squad's presence, he closed the door and turned back to his men.

"No, not for nothing" he grinned.

Jackman flicked on his radio, "Command, this is Jackman, due to...um...unexpected difficulties we're going to be here for a while, in fact, you should take the ship and go back to the Tundra for say....2 weeks, we'll contact you when we need pick up" Jackman spoke into his radio.

"What? Unexpected difficulties? By all reports, your target is dead already and the country is turning into one massive party...wait a second, like hell your..." the captain said before Jackman cut the link and lead his squad back into the main area of the bar.

He walked over to the women and slipped his arms around two, then looked over at the bartender, "Barkeep! Some beer!" he shouted.

"Hell no! For you men it's only the finest whiskey on the house!" the bartender shouted, pulling out several old bottles of fine whiskey.

"Fine by me" Jackman smiled, looking between the bottles and the women.

All was quiet in the nation of Drunken Ireland,that is,until it got a rather unsettling message from a nation it had never heard of.A The Secretary of Blowing Up Stuff walks into the President's office.

Secretary:ummm, Mr.president?

President: What is it? I'm watching Rasslin!

Secretary: You really need to see this sir...

President: a declaration of what?? the last word on the letter is smudged.
we should've got a tape,but noooooo,the wife is afraid of bombs.

Secretary:It says "war" sir.

President:OH SWEET JESUS!!!

The President was quite afraid for a little while,until he found out what the opposition was.

President: He's basically backed into a corner if Stromata is against him,let us wait and observe for a while,with our mass alien abductions,this is the last thing that the people need to know about...

And with that,the secretary left.

All of the formerly illegal drugs and alchohol were dragged out of storage for the party. Seeing as their were currently no laws whatsoever, things illegal elsewhere were done, ranging from firecrackers to 180 proof vodka. A massive population boom was expected exactly nine months from the death of the emporer.

Anyone still loyal to the emporer, namely his guards and a handful of advisers, grouped in one of the few places that hadn't been turned into a party--the emperor's secret nuclear shelter.

The place was stocked with provisions for 500 people for 20 years, and there were only about 300 there. The emporer's legacy was not done.

[[this will not have an affect on partying.]]