Lunatic Retard Robots
16-11-2003, 01:08
In the LRR traveling mothership, orbiting around mars, the two most commonly recognized members of the LRR government are brought aboard. Slartibartfast steps up to the podium in the main conference chamber in the ship.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/gallery/images/340/slartibartfast1.jpg
Cameras focus in on him, transmitting the broadcast to almost all radios and television sets on earth.
"It is a topic of the utmost urgency on which I address you today. As you are no doubt aware, planet earth is in a sorry state. Just today, I have been reviewing the reports of Sniper Country's invasion of Omz222 from our spy ships. There is also the ninth world war, which promises to end the lives of billions of people. There may, correct me if I am wrong, already have been a nuclear exchange between nations participating in world war nine."
He takes a sip of water, and continues his address.
"I am an old man, and I do not expect to live beyond several months more. It will cause me great pain to see that planet earth is in such shambles. I believe that Carl Sandburg said 'Sometime they'll give a war, and nobody will come.' Why can't this sometime be now? If there are any active soldiers or conscripts who are listening to this broadcast, I ask you this; Are you now better off than you were before you joined in this war? I beg you, lay down your weapons. Nothing is ever achieved through violence except hate and more violence. If there are any citizens of the warring countries wathcing this broadcast, I beg you, also, to withdraw your support to your government in these many wars. That concludes my farewell address to the world, as my years as LRR speaker are over."
He steps down from the podium, and exits the chamber. He is met by a cheering crowd outside that carries him to a waiting shuttle for earth, bound for Roguestan. Back inside, Prime Minister Robert Oppenheimer steps up to the podium, to deliver much more serious news.
"Be it hereby inacted that all nations participating in world war three are under heavy economic sanctions from LRR. Be forewarned, we will pull every string to achieve our goal of ending these wars. In addition, all nuclear weapons to exit planet earth's atmosphere are subject to destruction by LRR's four space-based lasers, bought from Wolfish when Lunatic Retard Robots was in the RGGA. If any world war three combat takes place near the benderland international space hub, a symbol of unity and peace, the combatants will be forcibly removed if necessary. On a final note, you people, if you can even call yourselves people, you politicans! You are a special breed! Does it make you happy to know that your decisions regularly cost the lives of thousands of people who might otherwise live long and happy lives?"
The message terminates with a flash of digits and an address for where to contact LRR for a return message.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/gallery/images/340/slartibartfast1.jpg
Cameras focus in on him, transmitting the broadcast to almost all radios and television sets on earth.
"It is a topic of the utmost urgency on which I address you today. As you are no doubt aware, planet earth is in a sorry state. Just today, I have been reviewing the reports of Sniper Country's invasion of Omz222 from our spy ships. There is also the ninth world war, which promises to end the lives of billions of people. There may, correct me if I am wrong, already have been a nuclear exchange between nations participating in world war nine."
He takes a sip of water, and continues his address.
"I am an old man, and I do not expect to live beyond several months more. It will cause me great pain to see that planet earth is in such shambles. I believe that Carl Sandburg said 'Sometime they'll give a war, and nobody will come.' Why can't this sometime be now? If there are any active soldiers or conscripts who are listening to this broadcast, I ask you this; Are you now better off than you were before you joined in this war? I beg you, lay down your weapons. Nothing is ever achieved through violence except hate and more violence. If there are any citizens of the warring countries wathcing this broadcast, I beg you, also, to withdraw your support to your government in these many wars. That concludes my farewell address to the world, as my years as LRR speaker are over."
He steps down from the podium, and exits the chamber. He is met by a cheering crowd outside that carries him to a waiting shuttle for earth, bound for Roguestan. Back inside, Prime Minister Robert Oppenheimer steps up to the podium, to deliver much more serious news.
"Be it hereby inacted that all nations participating in world war three are under heavy economic sanctions from LRR. Be forewarned, we will pull every string to achieve our goal of ending these wars. In addition, all nuclear weapons to exit planet earth's atmosphere are subject to destruction by LRR's four space-based lasers, bought from Wolfish when Lunatic Retard Robots was in the RGGA. If any world war three combat takes place near the benderland international space hub, a symbol of unity and peace, the combatants will be forcibly removed if necessary. On a final note, you people, if you can even call yourselves people, you politicans! You are a special breed! Does it make you happy to know that your decisions regularly cost the lives of thousands of people who might otherwise live long and happy lives?"
The message terminates with a flash of digits and an address for where to contact LRR for a return message.