NationStates Jolt Archive

It was a calm day, just like any other, off the coast of Hawaii. Fishermen had just gotten out to sea and where beginning to cast their nets at about 6 AM, when suddenly a shadow fell across the waves. A distant whistling sound was heard for miles around. As Bob Hulawakati, a Hawaiian fisherman recalls, "It was horrible, darkness and noise. I looked up and I saw this huge rock coming down. I thought it was a meteor like in Aramaggedon, but then it slowed down. It gently plopped down in the water... Well as gently as a rock the size of Conneticut can plop. I think I was the only one on my boat who survived the tidal wave."

This rock came as a total suprise to astronomers and meteorologists. Even more suprising is the fact that 5,000,000 people seem to live on this rock, which has an established culture and governmental system just like any small nation. Nations from around the world have sent teams to investigate this bizarre occurance.

Capt. Janet Weiss off the USS Befuddlement was the first to set foot on the island. "It was strange," she said, "as soon as I set foot on the island a bunch of children with no shoes ran up and tried to sell me Chiclets. It was like this island had been here all along... Eventually I found my way to their leader." Capt. Weiss sighed, "He slapped me on the ass and I punched his lights out. Apparently this had happened before as his staff had an icepack and a gin and tonic waiting. Unfortunately his nation... Crono... Crobo... something or other has declared war on the entire planet because of this. Oh well."

It is official the nation of Crono... Crobo... ahhh whatever, has sent template declarations of war to every nation on the earth. Will the world respond militarily... We don't yet know.

The President of Cro-Do-Crun-Cus (did I say that right?) recently appeared on CSPAN-2 Making his official decleration of war speech to the world.

The President appeared on the screen. A rumpled middle-aged man wearing fake oakleys pushed up into his graying hair and a weathered leather jacket, the president appeared to have had more than one gin and tonic since the incident:

"Hi. I'm Bob. President Bob. Short for Bobillimungustavus IV, maybe that'll be a question on Jeopardy someday. I'm here to say that all you bastards. You bastards who can't take an innocent joke, a little bit of flirting... well piss on you, we're at war now. I can take everyone in this room. YOU!"

The President then walked off from behind the podium and began to awkwardly pummel a reported from the London Times.

If said nation is willing to war with Future/Space-Tech Nations we will be happy to provide you with an opponent.

In response to the offer by Eizen President Bobillimungustavus IV issued the following adress:

"Oooh future/space-tech! You've got big fancy lasers? I can show you where to stick your lasers you lilly white pansy space geeks! I'll take down all of you. YOU!"

Prez Bob then stumbled drunkenly after an attractive female reporter from the LA times.

OOC:

Eeek! I'd say one broadside from an Eizen ship should wipe out Crodocruncus.

Crodocruncus's troop has boarded Crodocruncus' boat and is currently sailing west to wage war on whatever happens to be west. He has an extra can of gas and he packed some sandwhiches and beer, so he is ready for a long campaign. Crodocruncus' air force just ordered a kit to build a biplane and it should arrive in three-to-four weeks. As soon as the air force assembles it, Crodocruncus will take its wars to the sky.

[TAG for humor purposes.]

As the Imperial Diplomat could not successfully decipher the drunken rant of the Cordocruncus president, An Eizen Task force is being deployed in orbit over the beleaguered nation.

Fifteen Giguere class warships configured for orbital bombardment have been sent through the TransGalactic Gate from Imperial Space. In addition, Escort Carriers with Starscythe Fighter complements are on standby, One of these Escort Carriers has a wing of Brimstone class bombers. The bombers are carrying both Fuel Air Explosives akin to that of the MOAB ordinance, and Hi-Fex Nervegas combined with ultra-dispersion agents for the major population centers.

Eizen will not cease its attack unless another nation wishes to get in on the action, should that be the case Eizen would glady accept a coordinated assault.

ya know, unless you have a lot of allies, and the like, you are going to get crushed. you got 5 million people dude, how much of that do you think is millitary? take that and divid it by two. if i were you, and wanted to go to war with some one, i would wait a while, atleast until you got like 50 million people in your nation. then you might stand a chance in a war. so unless your west contains a fe birds and some children with pellet guns, you will get crushed.

The CSA (Crodo Space Administration) has launched a GI Joe rubber-banded to a model rocket at the Eizen space fleet. The hearts and minds of the Crodocruncian people are with our beloved space marine.

Meanwhile...

Our brave troop realized he was reading his compass wrong and that he was actually headed south. Undeterred he ventures towards the land on the horizon. His Sharper Image collapsable baton ready he lets out a war cry.

ooc: you make me laugh, so i will help you out

ic: my nation will donate seven solders to assist your noble effort. and each one has a working compass. we will also offer to give you uniforms, as we are assuming you forgot those. oh yeah, we will give your guy a gun and some bullets. (bullets come in handy when you are at war)

(South of Hawaii-ish? Ahh! That's us!)

Clifford Woad was astonished to see yet another apparently sail-free vessel headed for Eastgate "Damn smokies!" He grumbled, suspecting that this interruption would seriously disrupt the catch once more.

I'll help you out. 10 of Fyrehearts smelliest hobos armed with sticks are on their way.

The old speed boat runs ashore on New Eastgate and our fearless troop leaps out waiving his Sharper Image baton and making Bruce Lee noises "WAAAH! oooOOH! HIYA!" His neck-tie around his foreheard and the top two buttons of his shirt undone he is the image of a firece barbarian.

Unconfirmed reports that our beloved space marine has failed to reach the Eizen fleet. An unverified source reported seeing our beloved space marine land in the grass 100 yards from where he was launched. Our nation holds its breath until further reports. Our hearts are with you beloved space marine.

I'll help you out. 10 hobos armed with sticks are on their way.

good idea, i'll also send you all my homeless people. they will fight for food. so like so far you got an army of like what, 28 people?
good start. i will also give you four crates of defective assualt riffles, they don't fire, they just look pretty.

Bankers in Hexton, Baston, were already reacting to rumor of disruption to the Waylu fishing industry- four cents had already been shaved off the market in something of a blind panic, a further wild rumor of some loon donating a gun to the cause only made things worse.

With the King's Militia routed in Great Hoode, and the state militias marching about looking for whoever was responsible, the western states' defences were limited. "We can only hope that their beef is with Waylu" commented King Paul IV from his Goston palace.

The old speed boat runs ashore on New Eastgate and our fearless troop leaps out waiving his Sharper Image baton and making Bruce Lee noises "WAAAH! oooOOH! HIYA!" His neck-tie around his foreheard and the top two buttons of his shirt undone he is the image of a firece barbarian.


"Look out! He's half naked!" Came the cry from one of Eastgate's more prudish citizens.

Lightening reactions by the local militia soon had two pikemen staggering towards the scene of the invasion. Waylu wished that she could afford more muskets..

"What do we do?"

"Try to prod him with yer pike, Derek, knock the f***er over!"

And so they tried..

Just for fun, one of our bombers heading toward Aquilla drops a bomb in your capitol.
(We're in Canada, Aquilla's in the Phillipines-ish aera, so it isn't far off our course.)

I'll help you out. 10 hobos armed with sticks are on their way.

good idea, i'll also send you all my homeless people. they will fight for food. so like so far you got an army of like what, 28 people?
good start. i will also give you four crates of defective assualt riffles, they don't fire, they just look pretty.

Fyreheart thanks you.

The hobos and homeless people are each given a cantelope for their bravery, and told to go beat stuff up with their sticks.

Prez Bob would like to thank everyone for their contributions. Bearing in mind that he is STILL at war with you even if you are his ally, so watch your back.

Prez Bob tore open the box labelled "GUN" and loaded the bullets into it. He then spent a full twenty minutes posing in the mirror with the gun and quoting action movies before he accidentally shot the gun in the air. "SHIT! That's loud, this thing could hurt somebody," with that cryptic statement he grinned and snuck out the door.

Our fearless troop has met with great success meeting little resistance on the beach head. He is making his way inland looking to engage the enemy, or find someplace where you can get a Screwdriver (the drink) at noon. Until he encountered the pikemen. "Oh shit, those look sharp!" with that he made a tactical retreat.

No news from our beloved Space Marine.

The hobos have been arriving and are being armed with the defective assault rifles. Crodo's defense department, Stan, has called them, "A fighting force to rival any in the modern world."

press release from socialist staes of syncomp15:
"we are sadend to learn of the dissapearance of the space marine. our deepest sympathies go out to the brave solder. as we too have lost men in space, we wish the Crodocruncus people will eventually overcome this troubling time for them."
- state spokesman Radu Vykos

In Character, But not part of the Canon Timeline of official Eizen history:

Sky Marshal Solomon: What are you idiots doing?

admiral: SIr, preparations are underway for the orbital destruction of...

Solomon: Shut the hell up. Withdraw this fleet, we have a special plan for dealing with nations such as this, Signal the Orbital Tanker "Triple Cross" to unload its cargo in Crodocrunca. Drop fifty gallon containers in every area with population centers.


----

Moments Later, the Triple Cross initiated Operation "Antilles Backwoods" , fifty gallon servings of cheap moonshine have been dropped all over the nation in atmospheric resistant containers. The Eizen Empire then broadcasted messages all over the nation, encouraging all citizens to drink up.

----

"This is Triple Cross to high Command, phase one has been completed. "

The People's Republic of Calcednie courteously offers 3 crack monkeys and 1 kwyjibo, our national animal. Crack monkeys engage in addicting others to highly addictive activities (aka crack), such as NationStates, Settlers of Catan, Super Smash Brothers Melee, Final Fantasy Shiny (X), and other forms of addictive enjoyment.

Kwyjibos are noted for their short tempers and ability to strangle little yellow boys. They dislike losing at scrabble.

The hobos have been arriving and are being armed with the defective assault rifles. Crodo's defense department, Stan, has called them, "A fighting force to rival any in the modern world."

One of the hobos looks at the guns and says, "This here ain't nah fightin stick!!!"

(Modern world? We're screwed..)

"Derek, you prat! He's got past!"

"I know! Once he got by the end of me pike there were bugger all I could do!"

"Warn Tupu City! I'll follow 'im!"

With that Militiaman Derek Postleword dropped his ungainly weapon and ran like the wind towards Tupu City, capital of Waylu state, all the while yelling "THE CROCODOCODILES ARE COMING! THE CRODOCROCURCERS ARE COMING!"

In Tupu City the scene was awash with A)Fishermen and B)Drunkards lying on the cobbled and muddy streets which ran between countless fish markets and taverns. They were oblivious to the descending might of the C.. the invading army.

i have deployed my space fleet of a few shuttles to assist in the search and rescue of the space marine. we have found no sign of him ever leaving orbit, but are quite hope full of a recovery.

ooc: hey if we find him, can we make a movie of the week about it?

Our troop has retreated to the tactical position of a total stranger's house and is hoping that it is currently unoccupied.

An anonymous call has reported that our beloved Space Marine has in fact reached the Eizen fleet and is winning great victories against them. The caller said that "like fifty" of their "big flying saucery thingies" have been "smashed up" by our beloved Space Marine. Unfortunately the rest of the information was drowned out by laughter. The laughter of enemy agents, torturing this brave informant? You decide.

As Waylu state militia conduct fruitless house to house searches around Tupu City, countless outlying farmsteads are razed to the ground by now unchecked native hordes.

News of this filtering into the western states causes the out-break of several parties, and King Paul IV is pressed to issue a statement congratulating Crodocruncus on its disruption of the Godless peripheries.

Of course as this message would have to be delivered by hand (New Eastgate is currently experiencing the early days of what is commonly called the industrial revolution), and as we have no idea where Crodocruncus may actually be found, it could be some time before they hear about it.

Waylu has dispatched several small sloops armed with swivel-guns and a few muskets. These scouts hope to find the source of the invasion, and perhaps to conduct some degree of commerce raiding. If the wind's going the right way, of course.

An anonymous call has reported that our beloved Space Marine has in fact reached the Eizen fleet and is winning great victories against them. The caller said that "like fifty" of their "big flying saucery thingies" have been "smashed up" by our beloved Space Marine. Unfortunately the rest of the information was drowned out by laughter. The laughter of enemy agents, torturing this brave informant? You decide.

as we are up here in space, we are unable to confirm these reports. we did see a bunch of other space craft in the area, but no signs of the space marine.... wait, i think we... never mind, it was a gummie bear the crew was throwing out the side and attempting to rescue it. we are still hope full of a speedy and safe recovery!!!

Hearing the house to house sear4ch approach our fearless troop quickly found a pile of clothes and began to dig through it. DAmn all womens, but no time. He threw on a dress and bonnet and answered the door when the patrol knocked.

"Seen anyone bizarre lurking about?... m'am?"

He replied in a heinous accent "Eeeew no one new around here, everything is normal and happy. Just an ordinary day."

(Crodocruncuian, you master of disguise you!)

With the state reserve drained ever more by desperate defence -a chase to put Monty's north African pursuit of the Desert Fox into some pitiful context- Waylu puts ever more faith in the skills of their brave raiders, who by now approach the mysterious shores of their foe.

A trio of sailing sloops dart towards Crodocruncus, fully a dozen musketeers prepared to do battle with whatsoever vessels they might find.

after searching for a while, we must call off efforts in searching for the space marine. we have so far wasted several valuable gummie bears in this failed search. my fleet is now returning to the mother ship.
we wish you luck space marine!!! we will atach yellow ribbons to trees in my nation, and pray for his safe return.
yawn, and we wish the, yawn, hobos do thier thing.

In the hopes of trapping the enemy army in a pocket, within which it may be contained, and eventually starved or else its will crushed, New Eastgaters have left out drugged ales around Tupu City.

Fifteen people have been admitted to hospital (although strictly speaking its more like a big tent full of unconscious idiots).

The nation retires to bed, knowing that it shall not rest easy under such strains.

Aleph Strata's government, on behalf of the nation's toxic waste disposal system, donates 500 bottles of noxious, outdated barbecue sauce (www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=84369) to Crodocruncuian.

We wish you well in your courageous yet foolhardy conflict Crodocruncuian. Of course, we expect a few rotten melons in exchange for this gift of sauce. We'll send an aircraft to pick them up. Clear the beach around 2:30 PM tomorrow, we'll be there. Unless you'd like to direct us to one of those newfangled airport runway thingies.

FIRE IGNORE CANNON!!!

FIRE IGNORE CANNON!!!

OOC: Sir, its a joke.

He is making fun of n00bs :lol:

OOC Yeah, no need to ignore. This guy is FUNNY! :lol:

Because the efforts of your brave soldier and space marine have inspired our Prime Minister to a great degree, we offer you 45 sharp, pointy, sticks. We hope you make good use of them.

The Five Civilized Nations Valkryie Class Missile Frigate, the Oberon has been placed in orbit above Crodocruncus. The Missile ports open and missiles began to streak out towards Crodocruncus...

We offer 7 elastic bands, 23 water guns and a paper aeroplane.

Our finest sniper is being dispatched to assist the Crodocruncusian army...

http://www.cactus48.com/images/slingshot.jpg

>>>

On board CNS Rightous (an 17th/18th cnetury frigate, crewed by soem of the crookfur idiots who reject mdoern society and lead strange lives, kind of like a cross between those living museums and the amish but with guns...).


Captain Arthorson stood on his command deck glaring at the massive rock that had dared impose itself between the rightous and hawai.

"I say this is really most perturbing! this simply will not do! Mr jones!"

"Aye sur?" replies Mr Jones (senior leftenant) in a rahter thick glaswegian accent.

"What do you make of this here big rock?"

"Ah dinna huv a scooy Sur, it looks like some pure mad bam gone and just dumped it there pure mad metal like."

"Well what shall we do with it then?" demads the captain disparing at his 1st officers terrible comedy accent.

"Well we could try pure blow it to bits with our pure mad guns sur but that may take some time, or we could send some of our neds over to take a wee look around."

"Hmm a recce party! top idea man, i'll have the bosun russtle up soem of the ruffians from the crew and send them over with some of Mr Andrew's marines."


Will Mr Jones' accent hold up? how will the bosun persade anyone to go to the island? will the marine be able to keep from beating on the ratings?

as the space search and rescue team comes back to the mother ship, hey noticed something glowing off to the side of the ship. as one of the ships went to get closer, it collided with anthoer. both ships were lost. we are saaddend by this double tragidy.

we are also sending croc two more hobos we just found, we have armed them with spit ball guns. we hope this assistance from us will help you in your conquest.

You know, Eastgate will not be happy when it finds out about all the aid being given to its attacker- and when we do (find out) there'll be hell to pay..



(He says, pouring a bag of nails into the muzzle of a blunderbuss)