NationStates Jolt Archive

(OOC: A lone Vulcanusian navy vessel was attacked today on International waters. The attack left two of the engines of the cruiser V.N.S. Elie running, and disabled the steering. Engineers couldn't repair any of them before the ship collided on unknown shore. The ship has lost it's radar and long range communications. Few cannons are still working and few AA-placements are also available for use. )

(IC:)
"Geez.. This was the worst boarding I've seen in my life. Has anybody any idea where the hell we are?", asked the Commodore Calvin Hobbes.
"Nope."
"Nope what?"
"Nope, Sir."
"Well, Sir, we have the damage report. Here."
Calvin looks troubled.
"Oy...This Elie won't sail soon anywhere. Could somebody hand me the non-damaged components list? Thanks. So.. It seems our only hope is to activate the emergency beacon and hope someone will notice it."
"Aye aye, Sir."
"Well, now that we handled that, let's head for those palmtrees over there. I've never tasted a coconut before."


(OOC2: I will be gone for awhile. I might come back later this day but it's sure that I have more time for replies tomorrow..)

Bump.

ill have my spy planes and sattelites look for them and drop supplies

A distress beacon is picked up on the radar of a patrolling squadron of experimental spy planes from oil rig.
They decide to investigate but immediately come under fire from AA cannons situated in several positions around the island. While trying to dodge the shells, one pilot notices a wrek on the shore, exactly where the distress beacon shows up on his radar.
Badly damaged, they return to the nearest carrier, HMS Dennis the Menace, and report their findings directly to intelligenge headquarters in oil rig's capital city, Pandaville.

"Wait, look!"
"Look what?"
"A plane! We're saved!"
"Stupid. It's a spyplane. We can't see it."
"What?"
"Read the script."
"Oh. Nevermind then."

Emperor Zorg of oil rig decides to send in a team of SAS troops to take out the AA cannons on the enemy island so a rescue party can move in.

Early morning:
A small group of hovercraft skim over the black waters, they separate, taking elite troops to different landing positions, ready to take out the guns, one group sight a destroyer homing in on their position.

Leutenant Smith: "oh crap, looks like we have company,"
Private jones: "Yeah, they must have a really sensetive traking device to pick us up!"
leutenant smith: "dont be so sure, they might just be on a patrol"
private davis : " or they could be on a mission to attack our carrier, look!"

the destroyer sailed past the small craft and headed int he direction of which they came!
Leutenant smith reached for the two way radio to contact rear admiral stuffelbean on the Dennis the Menace to inform him of the recent events.

meanwhile, the other groups had successfully taken out the flak and were returning home.

The silence in the small, dark, room was broken without warning, by a light beeping sound, setting down his wineglass, Lord Milliardo hit the small red button on the arm of his black steel throne. Immediatly the coordnites of the beacon appeared on the wall monitor. Not particularly caring about it, but curious if the new survaillance systems would work, he gave the order to deploy a spy robot. The floating continant was rather close to the island at the time, as so it didnt take long for a camera droid to reach the crashed ship. A light, sinister, smile covered his lips as he brushed back his long sapphire hair. However it quickly faded as he realized the ship was so badily damaged it wasent really worth salvaging. "Your not thinking of wasting it, are you?" A light voice came from behind him, as a tall man wearing soft red robes and a white porcelin mask stepped from behind the throne. Milliardo stammered abit as he realized he was being watched. "Lord Epitaph, its not worth..." Before he could finish, the man raised his hand, his long brown hair blowing back dramatically. "But, as you can see, there are survivors, and on a desertad island, wouldent they be perfect to test the capabilitys of the new Myphisnos?" Milliardo stammered as he began to reply. "The new breed... isint quite ready yet." Milliardo lowered just a bit in his throne, having seen Ephitaph kill underlings for far less, his name was trully appropriate. "Well than, recover the crashed ship, so that they cannot escape, our new "children" can play with them later." With that, Ephitaph vanished into the shadows. Milliardo gave a sigh of relief as he hit the button, ordering a recovery team to dispatch to the island.

"Hey, someone is hauling our ship away."
"That isn't in the script."
"-Nah. Who cares when we can have coconuts?", Said the Commodore.

One ensign watched curiously at the Commodore. Then he slowly turned to another ensign and silently whispered:
"I think Commodore is having a sugar rush..".

both Ziggurath's and Oil Rig's forces have been dispatched to save the stranded crew from vulcanus, emperor Zorg hopes deeply that this act of cooperation will bring the three nations togehter

helicopters circle the island, ready for the signal from pandaville to pick up the survivors, this needs to be a quick, get-in-get-out operation and already, the interceptors have been launched by the enemy, this is becoming desperate...

Quietly 500 meters underneath the surface near the wreck, a Five Civilized Nations SSN was prowling through the seas.

This was the second submarine of the Five Civilized Nations's latest generation of subs. The Challenger Class SSN was designed to replace the aging Virginia IV Class SSN. This particular SSN, the Destiny was currently on its second voyage, patrolling the Northern Seas...

Captain, we have an unknown SOS transmission...

Interesting... Should we respond to it?

Sir, I suggest we ignore it, because this SSN is supposed to be a nasty surprise during the war.

But we could have some coconuts, sir...

Coconuts!?! This area doesn't have coconuts!!! We're near the arctic right now, how can there be coconuts here!?!

Maybe they were brought by birds, sir?

How is that possible, a coconut is much bigger than any normal migratory bird!?!

Well then, sir, I think the director is yelling for us to get back to the script...

What script!?! I thought this was supposed to be an improv!!!

Meanwhile the team sent to recover the ship, which was having quite a time trying to lift the boat from its resting place, as it would have to be airlifted to reach Ziggurath, which isint easy if its badily damaged, contacting Milliardo, with an "important" messege. "Sir..." Milliardo yawned, his chin resting on his pale hand. "Why is that ship not here yet, I gave you a simple task, its already sunk for crying out loud!" The soldier rubbed his brow nerviously. "Well sir... the troops wanted to know if we could, take a break and see the coconuts on the island we've heard about." Milliardo leaped from his chair in shock. "The what?! Your telling me, that you expect me to give you time off, when you cant even recover a defeated ship, to eat coconuts?! Hey... isint that the wrong part of the world for coconuts anyways?"

A noisy, easily noticeable plane bearing the flag of Rhonar cirlces above the sinking ship....

Co-Pilot to Pilot: Why is it we aren't flying one of those really cool spy planes?
Pilot: because Rhonar is too broke to afford one, that's why.
Co-Pilot: isn't that ship down there sinking?
Pilot: well, that would explain the distress signal, then, wouldn't it?
Co-Pilot:looks like a rescue team is trying to airlift the boat, don't they know that its probably making the damage worse?
Pilot:well, we have a transport ship a few miles off, I think they're en route to collect coconuts from that island. We could tell them to help get the crew off that boat...
Co-Pilot:mmm..... coconuts...... Hey - wait - coconuts? in this climate?
Pilot (exasperated): of course! didn't you read the script?

After receiving a radio call from a noisy plane flying a few miles away, a Rhonaran transport ship altered course and began to put-put its way towards the sinking ship....

IC:

From the bridge of the Jacian Navel Vessel Trigger-Happy, Captain Doubtfire looks out his binoculars at the small island.

Sensor Officer: Captain sir, there appares to be alot of activity in this area, all centered around that island...I am also detecting coconuts on that island...
Helm Officer: But where supposed to be in the attactic!, there arn't any coconuts in the attactic!
Doubtfire: Exactly!
Helm Officer: Excuse me sir???
Doubtfire: There are no coconuts in the attactic becauses where not in the attactic!, you idiot!, you've thrown us off course! *Grabs frypan*
*THWAK*
Sensor Officer: Sir, I think I've figured out why everyone is here, there all converging on the coconuts on that island
Doubtfire: Well we can't have that, no one touches our coconuts!
Sensor Officer: Um, sir, this area is uncolonized, thus no rights to property exist
Doubtfire: Then if no rights to property exist right now then we'll make one!
Sensor Officer: Sir thats not what I...
Doubtfire: Look, those are our coconuts because I said so!, now full speed ahead, prepare to engage anyone attemtping to take our coconuts!
Tactical Officer: Um, sir, if we do that then we'll be going up against multiple foes, I suggest we find an alternate methord of attack...
Sensor Officer: Captain sir, I've noticed something, everyone here seems to be hindered by the script, as are we, but if we could somehow destroy the script, then everyone would be thrown into chaos and we would be free from the scripts influance
Doubtfire: A brilliant idea, I'm so glad I thought of it!
Sensor Officer: Um, sir...
Doubtfire: Don't interrupt me when I'm gloating!, now, engineering, devise a plan to destroy the script, helm, set course for that island...

OOC: This is not going to deteriate into a shooting spree as you might think ;) , you'll see what I have in store soon enough :D

"Sir, Captain, Comomodore, whatever.. The script says that people want these coconuts."
"Why?"
"The script says they want them, not why."
"Who the hell wrote this crap?"
"I believe it was some crazy Finnish bastard."
"Renny Harlin?"
"No. He was a director, don't you remember?"
"I don't give a flying shit about Finland. Now, let's stop people from taking OUR coconuts."
"Sir, have you noticed that we're in antarctic?"
"What? Crap. There's palm trees an all.."
"There's an iceberg."
"Huh?"
"It's not in the script."
"Please, think of the children!"
"Huh?"
"Just felt I needed to say that."
"Huh?"
"Coconuts have rotted your brain.."
"Huh?"
"Huh?"
"HUH?"
"Idunno."

(OOC: Odd blabbering. Tried to copy Monty Python as good as I could.. Which just looks sad.)

A Rhonaran transport ship pulls up alongside the severely damaged Valcanusian warship, and

Ahoy there! All these Ziggurath people are doing more damage than good!

Get your crew, we've got room, and Oil Rig's helicopters are up there to help get you out!

We better hurry, there is a Jacean war vessel coming full steam ahead to claim the coconuts on the island...

[mad rantings from the sinking ship's captain]

coconuts? antarctic? wha? no coconut is more important than saving your crew, I don't care what the script says!

[more rantings]

your monty python references are vague and obscure, no matter how good the coconuts are..... no, I don't like Spam either.... get your crew moving!

**FC Satellite around globe**

"Heat sources around a coconut infested island sir."

"Coconuts!!"

"Yes, infested ones."

"But you said the island was infected with coconuts."

"Well I meant infected coconuts."

"But the island, clearly, is infected with cocnuts."

"Why cant the island be infected with infeacted coconuts."

"Because it isnt in the script."

"What is?"

"well, you are supposed to shout "We will kill those cocnuts" as your usual self."

"Well, get a ICBM filled with coconut infecant over there now!!"

"But the coconuts are already infected sir."

"SHUT UP!!!!"

"No, we can't leave! Can't you see? Coconuts!"
"Well. Sir, I've actually have had enough of coconuts."
"You moron."
"Fine. Leave. I'm staying. It's my duty as a captain."
"You're not saying that just to get all the coconuts for yourself?"
"No.", Hobbes said with a grin.

"NOW EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE!", He yelled.

Ships backed away slowly, altough one ship was left behind. The ship that was left behind was soon seen hunting penguins and eating them. Soon there came a giant polar-bear which ate the ship. But accidentally the creator of special effects had a heart-attack, so the polar-bear died.

The Jacian Warship comes screaming past the other ships and pulls up along the shoreline, it then sends a detactment to shore...

Captain Doubtfire steps onto the beach and then points.

Doubtfire: "Men, detain the Vulcanus Captain whos name escapes me".
Squadie One: "Isn't it commodore?".
Squidie Two: "It's Captain!".
Doubtfire: "Whatever!". *Brandishes frypan meniceningly*
Doubtfire: "Ahem, now, these coconuts are now the offical property of the Armed Republic of Jace, you will leave this island immediately or we will unceremoniously throw you off".
Squadie One: "But sir, how can he leave if we've detained him?".
Doubtfire: "If I want your opinion I'll ask for it!".
Doubtfire: "Anyway, it appares many of your friends have there eye on the coconuts too, and we can't allow that, so we have devised an evil plan to stop them...WE WILL DESTROY THE SCRIPT!"*Insert Manicle Laughter*
Doubtfire: "Engineer, procees to destroy the script!".
Engineering Officer: "Aye sir!".*The engineering gets out a labtop, hair gel and general nerdy accesories*
Engineering Officer: "1 4m teh l3igion v1rus!, u h4v b33n conqur3d!".
Doubtfire: "NO YOU IDIOT!, I DIDN'T MEAN A COMPUTER SCRIPT!, I MEANT A STORY SCRIPT!!!".*Grabs frypan*
*THWAK*
Doubtfire: "Fine!, I will destroy the script myself!".
*Suddenly a grandstand appares with cheezy sideshow decor, Doubtfire then steps on stage wearing a hat and holding a cane*
Doubtfire: "Hi everyone, tell, me, why did the chicken cross the road?, to get to the otherside!".
Doubtfire: "Whats the deal with airline food?!".
Doubtfire: "No wonder they call them deserted islands, cuz all I see is desert!, and I suppose you get your 'Just Deserts' here!".




Yes people, as horrible and inhuman as it seems, Doubtfire has choosen to destroy the script by spamming it with bad jokes and lame puns...

from onboard the Rhonaran transport ship..

so the ship sank, Captain?

I'm afraid so. between ourselves, Oil Rig, and Ziggurath, we were able to rescue everyone except the Captain.

What happened to him?

I'm not sure, although we've noticed a sharp decline in the penguin population over the last few hours.....

I think that script needs a lot of work, Captain. The story was inane, full of stupid coconut references on an antarctic island setting, strange monty python ramblings, confusing plot lines, and an overall sense if insanity...

HEY! you leave the coconuts out of this.....

RNF's Kings Royal Palace:


"So, foreignminister do you have any idea why aren't those coconuts which I ordered to you to transfer at intependence partyes, in here now?"

"Sir, I am pretty sure that the plane that carried coconuts needed to trop the gargo at sea."

"What! Are you saying that my coconuts aren't here? Don't you know how important they are for patyes?"

"I know sir, how important those are."

"Do you know where they are?"

"Yes sir I know where they are, but..."

"But what ?!"

"They are at the antarctic sir."

"!!!"

"Thats not all sir, there also damaged Vulcanus War ship sir. And the captain has get nuts pecause of coconuts sir."

"Realy, Vulcanusians has our coconuts? At the antarctic? Why doesn't you sayed THAT before?"

"You didn't ask sir."

"Well call to Vulcanus Primeminister that they are not invited at the party before they give back our coconuts!"

"But, sir we are at alliance whit them. We need to invite them."

"So didn't you get it yet, I WANT MY COCONUTS! IS THAT CLEAR MINISTER?"

"Yes sir!"

Aboard the Destiny, the crew goes crazy about coconuts...

After dodging a wave of interceptors from underground snow bases, the rescue helicopters from oil rig land on the island and haul away the palm trees!

***Aboard the Destiny***

Captain, somebody hauling away the palm trees...

Palm trees!?! In this area!?! This is the freaking arctic!!!

Sir, they look like palm trees...

Are the coconuts on them!?!

Yes sir...

What!?! Coconuts with palm trees on them!?! This just gets weirder and weirder...

North off Siberia, at the other end of the Earth where the madness ensues. Valkonezh, the capital city of the United Socialist States of Zvarinograd. The Premier's office.

"Valkov," The Premier asks of his aide. "Dah, Premier?" A bald man replies, turning to him. "Suddenly, for some odd reason, I crave cocunuts."

OOC:
arctic

A little off, they're at the Antartic. Oh well, it's insanity anyway.

this is getting old :(