26-09-2003, 17:27
Neighbor Nations,
I come before you today to annouce that The Holy Empire of Bill Parker and its neighbor nations in the region of Flyngistan are undertaking our first manned mission to Mars to create a permanent settlement. This is a time for jubilation on our parts, and one for the rest of the world to look upon with admiration.
I meant to write earlier but my manager at the City of Bill Parker Wal-Mart (we were acquired in a leverage buyout by them) wouldn't let me off early so I could alert the world as to the status of the launcher (What a JERK! I'm the FREAKING PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY, for god's sake!!), but today is D-Day for the Mars Mission. At 12 PM FST (Flyngistanian Standard Time), our launcher will shoot into the sky and head towards the Red Planet. Our Marstronauts include people from many nations, such as Pietria, Crebislavia, Caston, The Free Land of Sexual Delights, and Zaslowe, to name a few. All races and creeds will be represented.
This mission took some bargaining to get the funds but we were successful in our efforts to secure the cash. The requirements for the rocket's funding include:
1 - One (1) Caligula IX, Inc. Sexual Kiosk on the Mars launcher
2 - One (1) Crazy Larry's Sex-o-Rama on Mars
3 - Having our Marstronauts wear Dr. Scholl's Odor Eaters in their spacesuits
4 - They must eat only Frito's Brand Corn Chips
5 - They must communicate using Mr. Microphones. While using Mr. Microphone, they will be required to say "Hey, good-looking! We'll be back to pick you up later!" when launching colonists in the drop ship.
6 - Use the PepsiCo. Inc "Terra-form-uh!" Terraforming Device.
7 - Bring along a Stevuit from Crebislavia
8 - Build one (1) Wal-Mart once we arrive
9 - Trail a gigantic solar banner behind the spacecraft proclaiming the glory of Steve Crebs Super Collosal Really Cool Atomik Furniture Outlets
10 - Advertise the Castonian "Martian Catholocism WOW!" program.
This has made for a strange twisted trail to this moment, but this is a moment for all Flyngistanians, and the world in general, to enjoy and celebrate. Raise your heads high, Flyngistanians! Today will be a day that we will all celebrate for years to come!
Also, your's truly today, after his fight with his manager, quit that crappy Wal-Mart greeting gig and I'll be piloting that big b*tch to Mars, baby! Me! Yeah, me! Ha ha ha! Take that, pointy headed Wal-Mart manager! You can't tell the president of the Holy Empire of Bill Parker what to do!
Don't forget, today, 12 PM FST! Come one, come all!!!
Sincerely,
The Honorable Bill Parker
President,
The Holy Empire of Bill Parker
I come before you today to annouce that The Holy Empire of Bill Parker and its neighbor nations in the region of Flyngistan are undertaking our first manned mission to Mars to create a permanent settlement. This is a time for jubilation on our parts, and one for the rest of the world to look upon with admiration.
I meant to write earlier but my manager at the City of Bill Parker Wal-Mart (we were acquired in a leverage buyout by them) wouldn't let me off early so I could alert the world as to the status of the launcher (What a JERK! I'm the FREAKING PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY, for god's sake!!), but today is D-Day for the Mars Mission. At 12 PM FST (Flyngistanian Standard Time), our launcher will shoot into the sky and head towards the Red Planet. Our Marstronauts include people from many nations, such as Pietria, Crebislavia, Caston, The Free Land of Sexual Delights, and Zaslowe, to name a few. All races and creeds will be represented.
This mission took some bargaining to get the funds but we were successful in our efforts to secure the cash. The requirements for the rocket's funding include:
1 - One (1) Caligula IX, Inc. Sexual Kiosk on the Mars launcher
2 - One (1) Crazy Larry's Sex-o-Rama on Mars
3 - Having our Marstronauts wear Dr. Scholl's Odor Eaters in their spacesuits
4 - They must eat only Frito's Brand Corn Chips
5 - They must communicate using Mr. Microphones. While using Mr. Microphone, they will be required to say "Hey, good-looking! We'll be back to pick you up later!" when launching colonists in the drop ship.
6 - Use the PepsiCo. Inc "Terra-form-uh!" Terraforming Device.
7 - Bring along a Stevuit from Crebislavia
8 - Build one (1) Wal-Mart once we arrive
9 - Trail a gigantic solar banner behind the spacecraft proclaiming the glory of Steve Crebs Super Collosal Really Cool Atomik Furniture Outlets
10 - Advertise the Castonian "Martian Catholocism WOW!" program.
This has made for a strange twisted trail to this moment, but this is a moment for all Flyngistanians, and the world in general, to enjoy and celebrate. Raise your heads high, Flyngistanians! Today will be a day that we will all celebrate for years to come!
Also, your's truly today, after his fight with his manager, quit that crappy Wal-Mart greeting gig and I'll be piloting that big b*tch to Mars, baby! Me! Yeah, me! Ha ha ha! Take that, pointy headed Wal-Mart manager! You can't tell the president of the Holy Empire of Bill Parker what to do!
Don't forget, today, 12 PM FST! Come one, come all!!!
Sincerely,
The Honorable Bill Parker
President,
The Holy Empire of Bill Parker