21-09-2003, 18:45
A Tale of Two Warmongering Fools
[JCEN]
The Dominion of JCE has today launched it's first military campaign ever, against the joint forces of "Russian Forces" and "Dr_Twist."
In a statement issued by the Office of Foreign Relations earlier today, the fifth Undersecretary for Inconsequential Decisions announced that the strike was justified by "massive ignorance" and "questionable intelligence," later explaining in a telephone interview that this was "referring to the two targets, duh!"
In an exclusive interview with a JCEN reporter, the seventh Undersecretary for Matters Concerning the Press [from the office of Interior Affairs] said "In the short time JCE has been observing, Russian Forces and Dr_Twist have started at least three wars, each time committing not thousands but millions of troops. What they have been doing is essentially waging war continually, without regard to their populace or the economy."
Indeed, another not-so-prominent government official who asked to remain anonymous stated the opinion that "with the number of wars the two of them have fought recently, I am lead to speculate that their countries actually probably do not exist by now--their economies have collapsed under the burden, their people has revolted and set up new governments--and they never noticed."
Immediately after the announcement from the Office of Foreign Affairs, two Intercontinental Ballistic Ignore Missiles (ICBIM) were launched at the two offending nations. ICBIMs are JCE's newest addition to it's arsenal.
"The cool thing is, they are completely immune to Star Wars defence systems and the like--there is no way for the enemy to shoot them down or render them ineffective," said yet another unimportant official.
The strike of the two missiles was shown live in movie theaters across JCE, as well as being broadcast on cable television. According to the third Undersecretary for Organization of Community Events, the schedule was designed to "give just enough time for citizens to finish what they were foing and get to the nearest movie theater, which were offering free seating for as many as could fit."
One civilian, stopped coming out of the door of the ImagiPlex movie theater in JCE, commented: "It was so cool! They showed satelite images of the territory of Russian Forces and Dr_Twist, plotting the paths of the ICBIMs, and then when they hit, it was like they just disappeared, and the map like totally changed because those countries just didn't exist anymore."
Unfortunately, JCEN was unable to get anybody above the second Undersecretary for Resolution of Presidential Scheduling Conflicts to comment on the strike.
[JCEN]
The Dominion of JCE has today launched it's first military campaign ever, against the joint forces of "Russian Forces" and "Dr_Twist."
In a statement issued by the Office of Foreign Relations earlier today, the fifth Undersecretary for Inconsequential Decisions announced that the strike was justified by "massive ignorance" and "questionable intelligence," later explaining in a telephone interview that this was "referring to the two targets, duh!"
In an exclusive interview with a JCEN reporter, the seventh Undersecretary for Matters Concerning the Press [from the office of Interior Affairs] said "In the short time JCE has been observing, Russian Forces and Dr_Twist have started at least three wars, each time committing not thousands but millions of troops. What they have been doing is essentially waging war continually, without regard to their populace or the economy."
Indeed, another not-so-prominent government official who asked to remain anonymous stated the opinion that "with the number of wars the two of them have fought recently, I am lead to speculate that their countries actually probably do not exist by now--their economies have collapsed under the burden, their people has revolted and set up new governments--and they never noticed."
Immediately after the announcement from the Office of Foreign Affairs, two Intercontinental Ballistic Ignore Missiles (ICBIM) were launched at the two offending nations. ICBIMs are JCE's newest addition to it's arsenal.
"The cool thing is, they are completely immune to Star Wars defence systems and the like--there is no way for the enemy to shoot them down or render them ineffective," said yet another unimportant official.
The strike of the two missiles was shown live in movie theaters across JCE, as well as being broadcast on cable television. According to the third Undersecretary for Organization of Community Events, the schedule was designed to "give just enough time for citizens to finish what they were foing and get to the nearest movie theater, which were offering free seating for as many as could fit."
One civilian, stopped coming out of the door of the ImagiPlex movie theater in JCE, commented: "It was so cool! They showed satelite images of the territory of Russian Forces and Dr_Twist, plotting the paths of the ICBIMs, and then when they hit, it was like they just disappeared, and the map like totally changed because those countries just didn't exist anymore."
Unfortunately, JCEN was unable to get anybody above the second Undersecretary for Resolution of Presidential Scheduling Conflicts to comment on the strike.