NationStates Jolt Archive

April is National Humor Month. (http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/library/olderadults/april/humor.htm)

So let's get the jokes and the laughter started!

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One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.

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Definition of The Perfect Husband:
A guy who makes his wife's panties wet... doing the laundry
every week.

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The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding...
She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

Aren't we a little late?

Do you like fishsticks?
"Love 'em."

Do you like fishsticks in your mouth?
"eh. . . yeah . . ."

Then you're a gay fish!

*cue Kanywest*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEbkCo5oZJ8&feature=related

Do you like fishsticks?
"Love 'em."

Do you like fishsticks in your mouth?
"eh. . . yeah . . ."

Then you're a gay fish!

*cue Kanywest*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEbkCo5oZJ8&feature=related

That's so last week.

Q. What's the difference between a puff and a microwave?

A. A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

Any month where Hitler's birthday and Holocaust day can coincide and be within 'National Humor Month', must at least rate as International month of Epic Irony....

Aren't we a little late?

they never expected it... hehehehehehe...

speaking of which... some past April Fools jokes that made headlines...

In 2000 the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) warned that it planned to sabotage the bass fishing tournament in East Texas's Lake Palestine by releasing tranquilizers into the lake before the tournament. Their announcement stated that "this year, the fish will be napping, not nibbling." State officials took the threat seriously and stationed rangers around the lake in order to stop any tranquilizer-toting PETA activists from drugging the fish, and numerous newspapers reported the threat. Eventually PETA admitted that it had been joking.

In 1993 London's Independent announced the discovery by archaeologists of the 3000-year-old village of the cartoon hero Asterix. The village was said to have been found at Le Yaudet, near Lannion, France, in almost precisely the location where Rene Goscinny, Asterix's creator, had placed it in his books. The expedition was led by Professor Barry Cunliffe, of Oxford University, and Dr. Patrick Galliou, of the University of Brest. Supposedly the team found evidence that the small village had never been occupied by Roman forces. They also discovered Celtic coins printed with the image of a wild boar (the favorite food of Asterix's friend Obelix), as well as a large collection of rare Iron Age menhirs (standing stones) "of the precise size favoured by the indomitable Obelix whose job as a menhir delivery man has added a certain academic weight to the books."

1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

and my favorite
1915: On April 1, 1915, in the midst of World War I, a French aviator flew over a German camp and dropped what appeared to be a huge bomb. The German soldiers immediately scattered in all directions, but no explosion followed. After some time, the soldiers crept back and gingerly approached the bomb. They discovered it was actually a large football with a note tied to it that read, "April Fool!"

Einstein walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll take a beer, and
a beer for my friend, Heisenberg."

The bartender looks around and asks, "Is your friend here?"

"Well," says Einstein, "he is and he isn't."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Albert Einstein and Werner Heisenberg were out walking in the country
conversing at length on the subject of physics. After some time, Einstein
said, "Werner, stop a minute."

Both men stopped walking and Heisenberg asked, "What is it Albert?" "I
have been so immersed in thought that I have not been paying attention,
where are we?"

Heisenberg replied, "I'm not sure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."

Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."

Einstein walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll take a beer, and
a beer for my friend, Heisenberg."

The bartender looks around and asks, "Is your friend here?"

"Well," says Einstein, "he is and he isn't."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Albert Einstein and Werner Heisenberg were out walking in the country
conversing at length on the subject of physics. After some time, Einstein
said, "Werner, stop a minute."

Both men stopped walking and Heisenberg asked, "What is it Albert?" "I
have been so immersed in thought that I have not been paying attention,
where are we?"

Heisenberg replied, "I'm not sure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."

Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."

Best... Einstein jokes... Ever.

ANd a great Schrodinger one too.:D

a white man walks over to a black bartender and says "Hi can I get a pint of steller my negro"

the barman quickly replies "how about we switch places and you can see how it feels?"

so white man with a smart arse grin agrees and gets behind the bar whilst the Blackman begins to order "sup honky can I ge-" before he can finish the white man quickly interrupts with "fuck off we don't serve your kind here!"

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how do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice? fuck her in the arse and wipe your dick on her teddy bear

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[told to me by a priest]
why do choir boys always have bowl cuts?

*makes action to show stroking a head at ball height* "good boy goood"

What does cheese say when its about to have its photo taken?

20 lemmings walk into a bar. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Q. How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five. One to hold the bulb, four to rotate the table he's standing on.

Every Month is National Humor Month! If there was only one month a year for humor I'd wither away.

Read a great one yesterday.

What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit!

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer′s day when he realises his car is leaking oil. So he finds a service station and asks the mechanic to check his car over. The mechanic tells him that he'll check it out and to come back in an hour. Having a bit of time to kill, the penguin goes for a walk and buys a vanilla ice cream cone from a near-by shop. He has a little trouble eating it, what with it being hard to hold an ice cream cone with flippers, and gets the ice cream all over his face. The hour passes, and the penguin returns to the garage to get his car. He asks the mechanic what was wrong with the car, and the mechanic looks at him and says 'It looks like you′ve blown a seal.' The penguin gets all flustered and embarassed says 'No, no, it′s just ice cream, honest.'

1915: On April 1, 1915, in the midst of World War I, a French aviator flew over a German camp and dropped what appeared to be a huge bomb. The German soldiers immediately scattered in all directions, but no explosion followed. After some time, the soldiers crept back and gingerly approached the bomb. They discovered it was actually a large football with a note tied to it that read, "April Fool!"

Admit it, you just made that one up on the spot. Nice try, but no-one's ever going to believe that the Germans ran away from the French.

Admit it, you just made that one up on the spot. Nice try, but no-one's ever going to believe that the Germans ran away from the French.

found it here (http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/P20/).

and never doubt the courage of the French... after all, it was they who discovered that snails are edible. :p

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was a salted.

How many choreographers does it take to change a light bulb? "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!"

If you shoot a mime, do you need to use a silencer?

If you shoot a mime, do you need to use a silencer?

Andy Griffith did, and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me!

A man is late for work and gets pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the car and knocks on the window, "Do you know why I pulled you over sir?"
"Yes officer, I was speeding; but I have good reason."
"Then what is your reason?"
"I'm late for work and if I am too late I'll get fired."
The cop nods his head and says "Well what to you do that is so important?"
The man knows he's lost, and so he sarcastically replies, "An asshole stretcher."
"An asshole stretcher?" the policeman seems mesmerized...
"What I do is I work on finger into someone's asshole real gentle like, and then I work it in and out until I can fit a second finger. Once I have two fingers in I slowly work in a finger from my other hand, and then a fourth, until finally I have both hands firmly up this ass. The slowly but surely I start to stretch it until its... oh about 6 feet wide or so."
The baffled police officer says "What do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
"Give it a RADAR gun and have it patrol the freeway!"

Any month where Hitler's birthday and Holocaust day can coincide and be within 'National Humor Month', must at least rate as International month of Epic Irony....

Holohoax**