NationStates Jolt Archive

"Sax" meaning sex. He's seven and he asked me the other day "Do you ever have sax?" in writing on an envelope. My reply was "Of course not." and it was left at that.

I have told my sister (his mother) about it, and she said he asked him the same thing and she took the same course of action. She has no idea where he picked up the idea of sex.

Now NSG, in your opinion, what is the proper course of action in this case? Tell the child the truth and risk going into details about it or was the white lie the good route to go? Is now the proper time to have "the talk" even though he's only 7? Any other opinions?

If he's asking, he has questions.

The key is to find out what he knows.

kid: "do you have sex?"
you: "what do you think sex is?"

He'll probably tell you something ranging from "kissing and hugging" to what sex actually is.

Then you can ask him why he wants to know and if he has any questions, then answer them (they won't be as hard to answer.....)

I think he was hitting on you.

as long as its OK with his parents, answer his questions. dont get too technical, he wont understand it.

If he's curious enough to ask, he should be given an answer. A honest one. It may not need all the gory details, but still something of substance that would satisfy his desire for knowledge.

Don't tell him about sax! Before you know it he'll be asking where bassoons come from.

In seriousness, how to do "the talk" in a way a seven year old can understand is a tricky one. Obviously it'd have to be made very simple for a kid that age to understand it. So basic that it defeats the point?

I think I was told too early by my school about sex. The idea seemed so stupid and icky that I was convinced until the age of 14 that there was an elaborate conspiracy to mislead me about where babies come from.

oh

most 7 year olds will find the details of what sex is disgusting and wonder why in hell anyone would want to do THAT unless they forced themselves to in order to have a baby.

Schools tell kids about sex at around that age in the UK. So I'd just tell him. He has to find out sometime, and you'll get awkward questions at any age.

Yeah I just see it as a slippery slope, he is really too curious and anything I say will have to be elaborated on.

At least he goes back home today:). I'll let his parents deal with it, I feel it isn't really my place.

If he's asking, he has questions.

The key is to find out what he knows.

kid: "do you have sex?"
you: "what do you think sex is?"

He'll probably tell you something ranging from "kissing and hugging" to what sex actually is.

Then you can ask him why he wants to know and if he has any questions, then answer them (they won't be as hard to answer.....)

That's about it. With my kids I always try to honestly answer any questions they have, and when they ask them.

"Sax" meaning sex. He's seven and he asked me the other day "Do you ever have sax?" in writing on an envelope. My reply was "Of course not." and it was left at that.

I have told my sister (his mother) about it, and she said he asked him the same thing and she took the same course of action. She has no idea where he picked up the idea of sex.


If he's not stupid... TV? Or schoolmates, maybe older.

Anyway, I think that you did it right (he's not your son and you hadn't talked about that to your sister yet). But I think that your sister is wrong: clearly he's picked up the "sex" word, so it's better for your sister to begin with explanations, than waiting for him to "pick up" from uncontrolled sources.

If he's not stupid... TV? Or schoolmates, maybe older.

Anyway, I think that you did it right (he's not your son and you hadn't talked about that to your sister yet). But I think that your sister is wrong: clearly he's picked up the "sex" word, so it's better for your sister to begin with explanations, than waiting for him to "pick up" from uncontrolled sources.

Yeah you're right about that. I feel kind of obligated to do it, but hell, I really don't think it's my place, heh. Another thing is, the kid really looks up to me, and I don't want him thinking that because I do it, he should do it.

I should also add he attends catholic school. Let's make this interesting:)

"Sax" meaning sex. He's seven and he asked me the other day "Do you ever have sax?" in writing on an envelope. My reply was "Of course not." and it was left at that.

I have told my sister (his mother) about it, and she said he asked him the same thing and she took the same course of action. She has no idea where he picked up the idea of sex.

Now NSG, in your opinion, what is the proper course of action in this case? Tell the child the truth and risk going into details about it or was the white lie the good route to go? Is now the proper time to have "the talk" even though he's only 7? Any other opinions?

His mother is potentially causing problems, since she has told him she hasn't had sex - which is going to have some interesting repurcussions when your nephew DOES find out where babies come from.

What you should have done - is asked your nephew what he knows and how he knows it, in a gentle and subtle fashion. Even if you personally don't feel fit to elaborate further, there's always the possibility that 'little Timmy' knows that 'this' is called 'having sex' because someone has been doing it to him.

Then again, maybe he's heard the phrase 'having sex' and noticed that it coincides with people in films kissing - and you're now confusing the hell out of the poor boy.

If he's asking, he has questions.

The key is to find out what he knows.

kid: "do you have sex?"
you: "what do you think sex is?"

He'll probably tell you something ranging from "kissing and hugging" to what sex actually is.

Then you can ask him why he wants to know and if he has any questions, then answer them (they won't be as hard to answer.....)

You see that answer works until the kid wants a hug and kiss from his Mom and instead asks her, "Mommy, can you sex me?"

"Sax" meaning sex. He's seven and he asked me the other day "Do you ever have sax?" in writing on an envelope. My reply was "Of course not." and it was left at that.

I have told my sister (his mother) about it, and she said he asked him the same thing and she took the same course of action. She has no idea where he picked up the idea of sex.

Now NSG, in your opinion, what is the proper course of action in this case? Tell the child the truth and risk going into details about it or was the white lie the good route to go? Is now the proper time to have "the talk" even though he's only 7? Any other opinions?

"The Talk" TM is not a very good way to approach any topic a child brings up. Don't make a big deal about it, just talk to them when they bring it up. Sitting down with a 7 year old and freaking them out with the 'seriousness' of the topic is not a good approach. Just chill...next time your nephew brings up 'sax', ask what he thinks it is. Chat about it, make it age appropriate. When a 7 year old asks you why we don't fall off the earth and float into the sky, you don't write her out an equation, you explain it as best you can, ja?

"The Talk" TM is not a very good way to approach any topic a child brings up. Don't make a big deal about it, just talk to them when they bring it up. Sitting down with a 7 year old and freaking them out with the 'seriousness' of the topic is not a good approach. Just chill...next time your nephew brings up 'sax', ask what he thinks it is. Chat about it, make it age appropriate. When a 7 year old asks you why we don't fall off the earth and float into the sky, you don't write her out an equation, you explain it as best you can, ja?

Exactly1 I remember when my eldest was about 5 years old and we where in a shop. He noticed a spiral wind chime/plaything spining around on the AC grill and asked me 'daddy what's that round thing spinning around in the wind?'


I told him that it is a round thing that spins around in the wind. He was happy with that.:D

You see that answer works until the kid wants a hug and kiss from his Mom and instead asks her, "Mommy, can you sex me?"

Um..no. I wouldn't tell a kid that sex was "kissing and hugging" it's the answer I've gotten back from kids that age when I asked them what they thought sex was.

The key is to find out exactly what they know, correct any misconceptions and find out what they want to know and answer them.

Exactly1 I remember when my eldest was about 5 years old and we where in a shop. He noticed a spiral wind chime/plaything spining around on the AC grill and asked me 'daddy what's that round thing spinning around in the wind?'


I told him that it is a round thing that spins around in the wind. He was happy with that.:D

Yeah, I had an uncomfortable situation with someone else's 8 year old a few weeks ago.

Kid: Mrs. Smunkee, how does the baby get in the belly?
Me: Well, it's not in the belly, there's a place in there for a baby to grow.
Kid: Yeah, but how does it get in there?
Me: Well, it doesn't start out as a baby, it grows into one, it starts out as two cells
Kid: Oh. Thanks.

End of discussion.

Yeah, my kids have asked me things like that, and then "How does the baby get out? Do you poop it out?"

The 5 year old wanted the biological explanation...she wasn't all that interested as how the baby got in there in the first place, but really wanted to know how it came out. I have this great body book that shows the different systems, so I showed her the uterus, etc and explained labour. The 7 year old was just glad the baby doesn't come out covered in poop, she didn't want more details.

Yeah, my kids have asked me things like that, and then "How does the baby get out? Do you poop it out?"

The 5 year old wanted the biological explanation...she wasn't all that interested as how the baby got in there in the first place, but really wanted to know how it came out. I have this great body book that shows the different systems, so I showed her the uterus, etc and explained labour. The 7 year old was just glad the baby doesn't come out covered in poop, she didn't want more details.

My 5 year old was worried that if the baby was in your stomach that it might get digested on accident (she asked this when she was 3) I explained that it is actually in it's own safe place and there's lots of smushy around it to protect it.

"Sax" meaning sex. He's seven and he asked me the other day "Do you ever have sax?" in writing on an envelope. My reply was "Of course not." and it was left at that.

I have told my sister (his mother) about it, and she said he asked him the same thing and she took the same course of action. She has no idea where he picked up the idea of sex.

Now NSG, in your opinion, what is the proper course of action in this case? Tell the child the truth and risk going into details about it or was the white lie the good route to go? Is now the proper time to have "the talk" even though he's only 7? Any other opinions?
If your nephew is 7 and is having to ask questions like that, you need to sit down with your sister and explain to her that she is failing as a parent.

A lot of parents feel uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex, but frankly if you've signed on to be a parent then you have signed on to put your child's welfare above your own discomfort. Your sister is shirking her responsibilities as a parent and needs somebody to give her a serious wake-up call.

Assuming your nephew is pretty average in terms of his development (and please correct me if he isn't), he is more than old enough to understand what sex is, the basic mechanics, and all the body parts involved.

I'm with most of the posters here - if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to get a true answer (but probably not a detailed one). I can respect your choice to put him off so that he could have that discussion with his parents instead; I can't respect your sister's choice to outright lie to him. I truly don't understand why any parent would prefer their child learn about sex from TV shows and other kids on the playground, where they'll likely pick up a lot of wrong and dangerous information.

"Sax" meaning sex. He's seven and he asked me the other day "Do you ever have sax?" in writing on an envelope. My reply was "Of course not." and it was left at that.

I have told my sister (his mother) about it, and she said he asked him the same thing and she took the same course of action. She has no idea where he picked up the idea of sex.

Now NSG, in your opinion, what is the proper course of action in this case? Tell the child the truth and risk going into details about it or was the white lie the good route to go? Is now the proper time to have "the talk" even though he's only 7? Any other opinions?

Only 7?

I have a seven year old and he's learning, in school, that plants have "male" and "female" parts that allow the plant to create a seed and reproduce and that animals also mate and require a male and female to do that. He brought home a very good, if overly simplistic book from the school library about it. He's already got a pretty good vocabulary about human reproduction, so it was a little simplistic for him, but I was glad to see that these things are available to other kids who might not be.

I think that it's important that kids have the scientific human reproduction background down first, so then you can effectively overlay the more "emotional" human sexuality discussion onto it. Trying to co-mingle the two is probably not an effective way of explaining it to a young kid, especially if they are already 7 and have no well-explained background in either. You'll just confuse them.

David McCauley illustrated a really good book on body systems titled "The Way We Work" that my 7 and 10 year old really like. Yes, it has a chapter on human reproduction in it and pictures of penises and a uterus and all those things, but since my son has a penis and my daughter has a uterus, it's really only fair that they know what makes them tick and how they work.

The white lie route is really wrong, and the 7 year old already knows it.

I would've drugged out the Playboys and the Hustlers. *nods*

You shouldn't have lied.

It may not need all the gory details,

:eek:

His mother should have told him. You have no obligation to, hes not your kid.

If your nephew is 7 and is having to ask questions like that, you need to sit down with your sister and explain to her that she is failing as a parent.
Holy fucking judgmental, batman! Help, Bottle, come raise my children for me, I'm a faaaaaiiillluuuuurreeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Cuz I have no doubt my kids have asked some other adult about things they are interested in or have heard about. While I wouldn't face a direct question about me having sex with a 'no of course not', I do tend to deal with things as they come up rather than planning specific developmentally appropriate 'talks'. "Boys have penises that look like fingers mom" warrants a bit of a talk about male and female anatomy. The fact that my 5 year old was playing doctor in the hall between class changes, finding these things out on her own, doesn't mean I have failed for not having first provided her with a full scale anatomical representation. Though as my spawn, she probably could have had that, and still would have found a way to play doctor.


A lot of parents feel uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex, but frankly if you've signed on to be a parent then you have signed on to put your child's welfare above your own discomfort. Your sister is shirking her responsibilities as a parent and needs somebody to give her a serious wake-up call.
I don't see the problem with other adults providing children with information as well. Then again I the adults I allow around my children (aside from my ex and his family who I have no control over) are the type to be able to handle such questioning quite well. If she is unwilling to give her own child information, yes that's problematic...one would hope upon some reflection that she'd smarten up. Getting over whatever weird discomfort people tend to have when discussing these topics with their children is important, yes. Counselling her brother to go tell her she's a failure and is shirking her parental responsibilities is a bit over the top.


Assuming your nephew is pretty average in terms of his development (and please correct me if he isn't), he is more than old enough to understand what sex is, the basic mechanics, and all the body parts involved.
Which is why they should make anatomically correct dolls. *nods* Totally not because I'd then play with them.

I like Smunkee's answer best so far. Extend his knowledge from the point of curiosity. It seems natural to me: treat it as any other education based on curiosity, not a "special subject" with different rules.

That said, if I was asked the same question I would have to be honest and say "no." That might be complicated to explain, so I would go get the hose from the vacuum-cleaner, a plastic funnel and some gold spray-paint, and start blowing some notes.

So the kid wants nothing more to do with sex and gets a lifelong phobia about saxophones, but hey. That's what your weird uncle is FOR.

your way is a good way.
I would wait before you give him the sex talk.Maybe until.....10,or 11?And sometime you need to lie.He might take it seriously.

I would wait before you give him the sex talk.Maybe until.....10,or 11?
Holy fuck thats late.

If he's curious enough to ask, he should be given an answer. A honest one. It may not need all the gory details, but still something of substance that would satisfy his desire for knowledge.
Gory details?

http://www.mulepub.com/images/you-doing-it-wrong-mr-president.jpg

I would say the earlier the better. My mum explained the whole biological/physical aspect of sex to me when I was very young--I simply saw a picture in a medical journal, asked a question and she answered it rather straightforwardly.
It basically fits with "the beer principle", which my mother also followed. She'd let me have a taste of the foam in her beer, or a sip out of her wine glass, and, because of that, it held no mystery for me, no excitement just because I "wasn't supposed to".
The same goes for sex.
Am I making sense here?

Usually at 7 they still think girls have cooties. It should not be a problem until a little later.

I would say the earlier the better. My mum explained the whole biological/physical aspect of sex to me when I was very young--I simply saw a picture in a medical journal, asked a question and she answered it rather straightforwardly.
It basically fits with "the beer principle", which my mother also followed. She'd let me have a taste of the foam in her beer, or a sip out of her wine glass, and, because of that, it held no mystery for me, no excitement just because I "wasn't supposed to".
The same goes for sex.
Am I making sense here?

I think you are.

Kids want to do everything their parents do I think. But my first taste of beer I thought "eww, yuck. You grownups are crazy."

*snip*

Fucking final exams all pissing in my cornflakes.

I would say the earlier the better. My mum explained the whole biological/physical aspect of sex to me when I was very young--I simply saw a picture in a medical journal, asked a question and she answered it rather straightforwardly.
It basically fits with "the beer principle", which my mother also followed. She'd let me have a taste of the foam in her beer, or a sip out of her wine glass, and, because of that, it held no mystery for me, no excitement just because I "wasn't supposed to".
The same goes for sex.
Am I making sense here?
yes

Better that you or your sister (or you AND your sister) explain it than let him get his knowledge from Johnny at school.

You should figure out what he knows. Worse case scenario could be abuse at the school or something going on.
More likely though eh is watching too much TV, or sneaks out to watch it at night.

You should figure out what he knows. Worse case scenario could be abuse at the school or something going on.


QFT.

Attempting to avoid responsibility for things that might be 'uncomfortable' is a large contributor to why things like child abuse go undiscovered for so long. No one wants to talk about it.

Better that you or your sister (or you AND your sister) explain it than let him get his knowledge from Johnny at school.Except Johnny probably knows what a Dirty Sanchez is, and mom will think it's an unwashed Mexican.

QFT.

Attempting to avoid responsibility for things that might be 'uncomfortable' is a large contributor to why things like child abuse go undiscovered for so long. No one wants to talk about it.

Uncles and aunts are in the best position to prevent them. They are trusted family members but children often feel they can open up more to them than their parents.

Gory details?

I'm sure the nephew would love to hear all about what mom and dad do in the bedroom when he sleeps. Or what any adult does. :p

I don't see the harm in telling him the details. Lots of kids used to grow up on farms, and they learned everything from the animals. They didn't turn out terrible. The "facts of life" were plain to see.

I don't understand the whole middle-class, bourgeois attitude that creates a wall around sex like it's some forbidden subject. It's an unhealthy obsession. Teach the kid about sex, even if your sister won't, she's failing her son and his intellectual curiosity. But be sure to teach him that sex is a deeply emotional experience, and the procreation impulse must be applied to the greater benefit of humanity.

I don't see the harm in telling him the details. Lots of kids used to grow up on farms, and they learned everything from the animals. They didn't turn out terrible. The "facts of life" were plain to see.

I don't understand the whole middle-class, bourgeois attitude that creates a wall around sex like it's some forbidden subject. It's an unhealthy obsession. Teach the kid about sex, even if your sister won't, she's failing her son and his intellectual curiosity. But be sure to teach him that sex is a deeply emotional experience, and the procreation impulse must be applied to the greater benefit of humanity.

To teach the child about sex with out the parents knowledge or permission is dangerous. A young child repeating info could lead to allegations of abuse.
Even if you are acquitted the stigma for that never leaves.

I'm sure the nephew would love to hear all about what mom and dad do in the bedroom when he sleeps. Or what any adult does. :p
Yeah, I was going for the more literal sense there.

You got that, right?

Right? :p

Ok seriously, why is everyone so embarrassed about sex? We wouldn't be here without it, so why are we constantly told that it's bad, and wrong, and sinful. You should've just said "Well, when 2 people love each other very much....." and the child dismisses it.


When they get older they're gonna want detail, in that case don't say it's bad, educate them. Tell them about protection, any good parent would know eventually that they can't control their kid so what's the point in fighting them. Just teach them to be safe.

Gory details?

http://www.mulepub.com/images/you-doing-it-wrong-mr-president.jpg

Yeah, I was going for the more literal sense there.

You got that, right?

Right? :p

Which is why I didn't reply right away. :) I was making sure I had it right. Plus I wasn't in the most sober of mind frames.....

There are just certain things I remember NOT wanting to hear my parents talk about... :$ I didn't care if I got all the gory details on biological functions, but I did NOT need to or want to hear about what my parents actually did behind closed doors.

There are just certain things I remember NOT wanting to hear my parents talk about... :$

Fortunately, my parents never had sex. I can sit comfortably in that knowledge.

Fortunately, my parents never had sex. I can sit comfortably in that knowledge.

Mine never left condoms around. My ex-boyfriend, however did find those in his parents' room; a used one. :D And to this day, that makes me feel warm inside, knowing that he was traumatised by that and that I never found that kind of thing. ;)

I just have to make sure that when I have a kid, it doesn't find my vibrator...

I just have to make sure that when I have a kid, it doesn't find my vibrator...

That would be... unfortunate.

The key is to get an overhanging cabinet that's too high for the kid to get in to. Then, lock the cabinet. Then, put the vibrator on top of it because they will be too busy trying to get into the cabinet to think about looking on top of it.

Mine never left condoms around. My ex-boyfriend, however did find those in his parents' room; a used one. :D And to this day, that makes me feel warm inside, knowing that he was traumatised by that and that I never found that kind of thing. ;)

I just have to make sure that when I have a kid, it doesn't find my vibrator...

One of my kids found one at my mother's house, when they got home they described it to me........ICK! Then she asked what it was for and I said "masturbating" and she said "okay" and walked off. I'm not sure she knows what that means, but she walked off so I'm off the hook until she brings it up again. ;)

Tell him he'll find out when he's ready to. And tell him that its not your place to tell him.

"Sax" meaning sex. He's seven and he asked me the other day "Do you ever have sax?" in writing on an envelope. My reply was "Of course not." and it was left at that.

I have told my sister (his mother) about it, and she said he asked him the same thing and she took the same course of action. She has no idea where he picked up the idea of sex.

Now NSG, in your opinion, what is the proper course of action in this case? Tell the child the truth and risk going into details about it or was the white lie the good route to go? Is now the proper time to have "the talk" even though he's only 7? Any other opinions?

Telling him the truth, of course. Why would his age be of any consequence?? :confused:

I just have to make sure that when I have a kid, it doesn't find my vibrator...

Meh. My daughters have found mine a few times now. One asked how it worked. The other got freaked out because she knocked it accidentally and it started up. It's a magic bullet though, not a dildo-looking one, but still.

Ask the kid what he knows, ask the mom what she's told him. No matter what advice anyone gives you, you're mostly going to wing-it. Life doesn't come with a script. Life's based on emotions and instincts. Imagine what the world is from your nephew's perspective. He probably knows that sex is something that adults do, however (if he has this knowledge), he may wonder why some do it, and some don't. Tell him the truth, but I think that if you explain the birds and the bees to a 7 year old, it's just going to go over his head and he'll probably misquote it to other children. Besides I find something like this very personal and possibly shocking, an experience that should be explained to him by his parents.

If all else fails, give him a book. That's how my mom learned. Books and pamphlets, no questions were asked. It's a wonder I was ever born.