NationStates Jolt Archive

A friend of mine has an absolutely bat-fucked personal life; it's something out of a soap-opera with him (Affairs, caught-in-the-act cheating, drunken escapades, etc.) and he's almost always the victim (Meaning he's the one being cheated on, drunkenly assaulted, etc.). I try to help him the best I can, but I'm frikkin' clueless when it comes to this stuff, so my advice is almost entirely composed of "Take it slow and easy" (I've always held the belief that any situation can be resolved if you simply take the time to critically analyze the problem and rationally think of a solution). That's actually good advice for him, really, since one of the big problems is that he's always in such a rush to declare his love for a girl and proclaim that she's "the one," but after a while "go slow" stops having any really relevant meaning. I want to keep helping him, but I've really got no idea what advice to give him. I've never gone through these experiences myself, none of my other friends confide in me about these things, and with him I'm getting most of these stories very distantly, over the phone or (shudder) texts, so I can't even use first-person observation to form a valid opinion. My closest first-person experience to this is what I catch on TV or RP here, plus the occasional romance novel. I'm lost in the dark, and he's still asking me to help him find his way (Oooh, good analogy).

How do I go about doing this? Do I keep trying to impart lessons about relationships that I've learned from watching TV? Do I just clamp up and tell him to work this out on his own (Or at least speak to people physically closer, who can actually see what's going on rather than having it all relayed over the phone)?

He's been my friend going on twenty-one years now, we met when we were two, and I want to help him, but when it comes to bastardly convoluted relationships (Or any relationships at all) I'm more lost than he is. How can I help him work through this?

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. " -Douglas Adams

This counts double for lessons in love. The best thing you can do is to be there unconditionally for your friend to help him pick up the fragments afterward.

...unless you notice a repeating pattern of the same mistake. Then your friend might need a beating. ;)

When one of my mates got cheated on all I did was buy hima pack of cigarette and listen to him.

Hmm go slow is a good term. Sounds like he needs to figure out what it is he is actually looking for and then go after that. Relationships are very difficult to troubleshoot effectively. Many, many strange things come into to play. I guess mostly just listen and be there for him. What more can anyone do really?

...unless you notice a repeating pattern of the same mistake. Then your friend might need a beating. ;)

Actually, one of these problem situations was a beating (Ironic, really, that it was the drunk, burly cop who was beaten up by the petite, computer-working semi-girlfriend. He'd just walked in on his prior semi-girlfriend engaged in...uh...we'll call it "sporting," and when he went out to drown his sorrows he wound up being trounced by the other semi-girlfriend. "Semi-girlfriend," just so you know, means that he and the "sporting" girl were taking "a break" in their relationship, and the punching girl was a friend he's had for a while who came close, but never did, cross over into the actual dating realm. Like I said, bastardly convoluted)

Lassair Faire. Leave him alone and hope he learns on his own. Humans in regards to love will except no advice other then their own. I swear we would all be 10 times happier if we went back to when our parents picked out the girl for us.

Actually, one of these problem situations was a beating (Ironic, really, that it was the drunk, burly cop who was beaten up by the petite, computer-working semi-girlfriend. He'd just walked in on his prior semi-girlfriend engaged in...uh...we'll call it "sporting," and when he went out to drown his sorrows he wound up being trounced by the other semi-girlfriend. "Semi-girlfriend," just so you know, means that he and the "sporting" girl were taking "a break" in their relationship, and the punching girl was a friend he's had for a while who came close, but never did, cross over into the actual dating realm. Like I said, bastardly convoluted)

What did he learn? ;)

Considering he texted me this morning about his current relationship with the sporting woman, I'm going to go with "About as much as a Flat-Earther at a geologists convention"

EDIT: And, of course, that Flat-Earther bit now looks completely ridiculous. Dang. When I was typing it it seemed whitty and hip, now...not so much.

Tell him to write a screenplay about his life called "How not to do this", have him sent it to you, you sell it, and pay for his therapy and doctors' bills.

That's all the tongue-in-cheek advice I can give. I'd be pretty clueless were this to happen to a friend of mine as well.

How do I go about doing this? Do I keep trying to impart lessons about relationships that I've learned from watching TV? Do I just clamp up and tell him to work this out on his own (Or at least speak to people physically closer, who can actually see what's going on rather than having it all relayed over the phone)?

He's been my friend going on twenty-one years now, we met when we were two, and I want to help him, but when it comes to bastardly convoluted relationships (Or any relationships at all) I'm more lost than he is. How can I help him work through this?

I wouldn't really rely on giving him advice because you saw it work on East Enders or any TV show really. But sometimes you can just listen which can help or even talk to another friend by asking I have a friend...? then listen to that advice and repeat it to them if you think it is any good.

The fact that you know each other for so long is probably the reason why he confides in you more. What I would do is invite him over pull out a couple bottles of wine and just talk and listen to him

Actually, one of these problem situations was a beating (Ironic, really, that it was the drunk, burly cop who was beaten up by the petite, computer-working semi-girlfriend. He'd just walked in on his prior semi-girlfriend engaged in...uh...we'll call it "sporting," and when he went out to drown his sorrows he wound up being trounced by the other semi-girlfriend. "Semi-girlfriend," just so you know, means that he and the "sporting" girl were taking "a break" in their relationship, and the punching girl was a friend he's had for a while who came close, but never did, cross over into the actual dating realm. Like I said, bastardly convoluted)

You should take his experiences and write up your own sop opera.