NationStates Jolt Archive

Two drinking buddies, Jared and Travis, work together at JFK International Airport as mechanics on the night shift. One very slow night when there is too much fog on the runway and all the planes are grounded or redirected the two of them are discussing thier favorite drinks.

"You know..." says Jared "I heard you can drink jet fuel and get totally hammered."

Travis perks up, "Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Erik told me you can drink it and get drunk without any side effects like a hang over."

"Wow, I think we should try it, not like we have to do anything tonight." with those words Travis sets off to procure some jet fuel.

Hours later, sloppy messed up off a few shots of jet fuel the two men go home. At 2 in the afternoon Jared recives a call from Travis.

"Hey bro, do you have a hang over?"

Jared replies, "No, not at all, you?"

"Nope" Travis confirms, "No hangover."

"That stuff is great aint it? Don't taste so good but man it does the trick."

"Uhm yeah yeah... since you answered the phone I'm assuming you havn't farted yet?"

"Uhm no, why do you ask?"

"Well, I did earlier today... and uhh I just touched down Berlin."

I thought they ALL were joke threads.:eek2:

I thought they ALL were joke threads.:eek2:

They are all jokes, but not about jokes.

Hey, did you hear about the mind flayer at the republican national convention? He starved to death. :(

Hey, did you hear about the mind flayer at the republican national convention? He starved to death. :(

How come Beholders don't go dancing?

They have no body to go with.

Hey, did you hear about the mind flayer at the republican national convention? He starved to death. :(

How come Beholders don't go dancing?

They have no body to go with.

Who is the bigger geek: one of you two for posting these, or me for understanding them?:tongue:

Who is the bigger geek: one of you two for posting these, or me for understanding them?:tongue:

That a chicken or egg kind of argument man.

That a chicken or egg kind of argument man.

T-Rex disagrees.

T-Rex disagrees.

Yeah well he would! :mad:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

1. Fowl reasons
2. To get away from the Colonel
3. To get to the other side
4. Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road really cross the chicken?

What do you get when you cross a mountain with an elephant?

I got one, but its highly racist and any of the Cubans of the forum can lynch me. :$

What do you get when you cross a mountain with an elephant?

I cannae guess...

Economics.







What? It's not funny, but it's surely a joke.

I got one, but its highly racist and any of the Cubans of the forum can lynch me. :$

Cubans aren't a race, so fire away.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?


It didn't have the guts.

Cubans aren't a race, so fire away.

<.<
They're still a nationality.

What's the difference between a Cuban and a barrel of shit?

The barrel.

I swear to the Cubans of NSG that it was told to me in Puerto Rico and that I do not share the views of the joke.:$

Cubans aren't a race, so fire away.

Jews aren't a race, either, so does that make Jewish jokes okay?

Jews aren't a race, either, so does that make Jewish jokes okay?

Yes.

Myspace jokes:

Your Myspace layout is so bad you make oranges cry lemonade.

There was this blonde she was walking down the street and a boy asked her "do you have myspace?" she said yeah and your intruding in it.

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

Jews aren't a race, either, so does that make Jewish jokes okay?

If they're funny, yeah. The problem with a lot of racist jokes (and dirty jokes, too) is that they aren't very funny.

<.<
They're still a nationality.

What's the difference between a Cuban and a barrel of shit?

The barrel.

I swear to the Cubans of NSG that it was told to me in Puerto Rico and that I do not share the views of the joke.:$

Except that's not funny. I don't know if I'd even call it a joke. Its just an insult, essentially a more convoluted way of saying "Cubans are shit."

two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

I have a couple of really bad ones.

Gun Control and Heikoku 2.

What's the difference between a Cuban and a barrel of shit?

One is a short, round and overrated thing which gives a foul taste when stuck in your mouth.

The other is a barrel of shit.

The barrel.

Meh, I like my answer better.

A large-nosed Jew is actively plotting to take over the world's banks when he finds a dead baby. The baby was thrown away by a black family in favour of fried chicken and watermelon, which they bought from a glasses-wearing Asian guy who knows kung fu and is really good at math. Meanwhile, a stuffy old British monocle-wearing nobleman is sipping tea and eating a scone while trying to avoid the glance of an overweight, obnoxious, rude, beer-swilling American who is engaged in an intense argument with a dumb, yet promiscuous blonde, the subject of which involves a lazy, sombrero-wearing Mexican.... [et cetera, et cetera, et cetera]

I have a couple of really bad ones.

Gun Control and Heikoku 2.

ahah ha ha. oh . . .right . . .not funny

ahah ha ha. oh . . .right . . .not funny

It wasn't suppose to be funny. Each one of those is a horrifying example of what's wrong with this world.

It wasn't suppose to be funny. Each one of those is a horrifying example of what's wrong with this world.

Ahhh so your trolling?

Ahhh so your trolling?

No. Trolling is posting something offensive to produce a negative reaction bringing satisfaction to the poster.

I am not trying to elicict a negative response. I am stating the truth.

No. Trolling is posting something offensive to produce a negative reaction bringing satisfaction to the poster.

I am not trying to elicict a negative response. I am stating the truth.

wait, you wouldn't happen to be related to a certain ghost would you?

wait, you wouldn't happen to be related to a certain ghost would you?

That depends if any of ancestors are haunting me.

*Looks around all paranoid*

A Little Incident...

There was a little "incident" at your house today while you were gone. Please allow me to explain: I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.

I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke detector that you have is the type that took a few minutes to reset itself. I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes later I was really getting pissed off that the beeping continued. I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.

The beeping continued.

Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the capacitors could hold a charge after the batteries were removed. About 20 minutes later, I was really getting pissed because I could still hear the beeping. And I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the fucking speaker off the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.

I sat back down and heard "beep".

Now I was fucking fuming. I listened to that fucking "beep" about three more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving shit out of your fucking smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard "beep"). It was really getting me mad. I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough "beep". I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.

In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep. So I took them into the living room and spread them on the table, staring at them, saying to myself "the fucking part that beeps, will get smashed" Not three seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is possessed). I brought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to beep so I could smash the shit out of it.

All of a sudden, I hear "beep", but it was coming from the kitchen. I walked out there, all freaked out. I just waited.. and waited.. it seemed like hours but was only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifying "beep" coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket and it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident. All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of your beeper because I was the one who paged you. Sorry!

what do you call a smart blond? a Labrador

Jade Goody just go some good news, she just sold her hairdryer on ebay for £20

whats black on top and white on the bottom? rape

why wasn't Jesus born in Manchester? they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

No. Trolling is posting something offensive to produce a negative reaction bringing satisfaction to the poster.

I am not trying to elicict a negative response. I am stating the truth.

http://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr51/ZGsoccerHB/daf-1.jpg

You know how many RPGamers are needed to screw in a lightbulb?

2d4 + 2.

A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty
finding a room. So she asked the local schoolmaster to help her.
After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned
to her home and did some packing.
Suddenly, it occurred to her that she hadn't noticed a W.C.
(In England the toilet is called a water closet), so she wrote the
schoolmaster about the W.C. The schoolmaster, not knowing
the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that
it must mean 'Wayside Chapel'. He wrote her the following letter.
**************
Dear Madame,
It is my pleasure to Inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from
your room, in the centre of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people,
and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate
situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt,
be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day
of it. I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an
Organ accompaniment. The acoustics in the W.C. are excellent;
even the most delicate sound can be heard.
My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats
that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. the looks on their faces
were very interesting. My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't
go regularly, and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.
I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be
seen and heard by everyone.
Hoping I have been of some assistance.
Sincerly yours,
The Schoolmaster.

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a
little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.



He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the
dog and saving the girl's life.


A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a
hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:



'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.


The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'


Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:


'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.



'But I am not an American!' - says the man. Oh, what are you then?'


The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'


The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes, Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes, Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes, Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private, without missing a beat, said "Good trade, Sir!"

A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap, and he yelled back: 'George Bush is a miserable piece of crap."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.

For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"

The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."

The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."

Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."

---

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB, Japan.)

---

An F-117 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

---

Tower: Eagle 08, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?

Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise an F-15 makes when it hits a 727?
---

Pilot: XX center, YY is requesting FL600.

ATC: OK YY, it's clear. (Laughing) Climb and maintain FL600, if you can.

P: Roger, descending to FL600.

(FL600 = 60,000 feet.)

The train was quite crowded, and a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Madam, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, madam, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".

The American economy. I lol'd.

The American economy. I lol'd.

Yeah, it's not like it can get worse in Hull... :)

Yeah, it's not like it can get worse in Hull... :)
Fuckin A :D

So George W. Bush, Jacques Chirac, and Tony Blair have been captured by terrorists. As they're about to be executed, Chirac suddenly shouts "EARTHQUAKE!" As everyone else dives for cover, Chirac jumps over the fence and escapes to safety.

Somewhat annoyed at losing him, they aim at the other two, only for Blair to suddenly shout "TORNADO!" As they dive for safety, Blair too jumpos over the fence and escapes to safety.

Finally, they aim their guns at Bush, whereupon he suddenly shouts "FIRE!"

---

Q: What's the proper weight of a lobbyist?

A: Three pounds, including the urn.

---

Due to a horrible accident, both Bill Clinton and Benedict XVI die and wake up in heaven. St. Peter leads them through heaven, showing Clinton to the first mansion, then leading Benedict through poorer and poorer areas of ehaven until he finally shows him a hovel.

"I mean no disresepect, Saint Peter, but why does the president get such a large mansion while I, a pope and elader of the chriustian world, only get this small hovel?"

"Throughout the past two thousand years, we've had a huge number of popes, priests, bishops,m nuns, and so on show up here. But this is the very first time a politician made it here!"

---

So an aged marine enters the white house and speaks to the secretary.

"I wish to see Pressident George W. Bush."
"I'm sorry sir, but he's not the president anymore."
"I see." And he leaves.

The next day, he returns to the secretary.

"I wish to see Pressident George W. Bush."
"Again, sir, he's not the president anymore."
"I see." And he leaves.

The thrid day, he returns and talks to the secretary once again.

"I wish to see Pressident George W. Bush."
"Sir, I've told you twice that he's not the president anymore! Why do you keep asking for him?"
"Because I love hearing that he's no longer in charge."

The secretary snaps to attention, then salutes him with a smile. "See you again tommorrow, sir!"

So an aged marine enters the white house and speaks to the secretary.

"I wish to see Pressident George W. Bush."
"I'm sorry sir, but he's not the president anymore."
"I see." And he leaves.

The next day, he returns to the secretary.

"I wish to see Pressident George W. Bush."
"Again, sir, he's not the president anymore."
"I see." And he leaves.

The thrid day, he returns and talks to the secretary once again.

"I wish to see Pressident George W. Bush."
"Sir, I've told you twice that he's not the president anymore! Why do you keep asking for him?"
"Because I love hearing that he's no longer in charge."

The secretary snaps to attention, then salutes him with a smile. "See you again tommorrow, sir!"

You know it's funny. I once heard this exact same joke but it was about Bill Clinton.

You know it's funny. I once heard this exact same joke but it was about Bill Clinton.

Clearly it's a despicable republican edit. :p

Clearly it's a despicable republican edit. :p

lawl

This appeal is on behalf of Ahmet. He is a 10 year old Sudanese who dreams of becoming a Doctor to help his people have better care. He was born with a crippled right foot and that leg is also five inches shorter than his left leg. Despite this disability,he cycles over 12 miles to school, five days a week, on an old single geared sit up and beg bike that has a bent frame and two buckled wheels. The trip takes over three hours each way as he often falls off the bike, but such is his determination to get an education towards becoming a Doctor that he keeps on trying. Send me three Pounds Stirling and I will send you a video of Ahmet cycling to school. Believe me..it's fucking hilarious!

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match

Not for younger eyes. Or eyes opposed to midgets and.......stuff.

After a few drinks the inevitable must occur and Tony made his way to the bathroom to take a piss. A midget entered the bathroom and started to use the urinal beside him. Actually, midget is the wrong term. More like tripod. Tony was straight, but it's not easy not to look a dick that big.

"Noticed me dick, did ye?"
"Er..."
"Don't worry, everyone does. I'm a leprechaun, ya see"
"Sure thing buddy. A leprechaun."
"Oh yes. and I use this great big dick here to grant wishes"
"Wait......what? How?"
"You see, if I fuck someone in the ass with this magical cock, they get one wish. Anything they want"
"You're pulling my leg"
"Honest to god. I'll even grant you a wish, if you're interested"
"I'm good, thanks"

Tony finished washing his hands and started to go back to his friends, when something occurred to him. He hated his job with a passion. A few million bucks and he'd never have to work a day in his life again. And nobody would be any the wiser.

"Hey, is that offer of a wish still good?"
"Hah, just couldn't resist, eh? Well, what's yer wish?"
"$10, no $20 million"
"Fair enough. Why don't we use this stall here? You just assume the position and think of England"

Tony really didn't figure on how much that big dick would hurt. It was all he could do to keep from crying out in pain. Pity the leprechaun wanted to continue their conversation.

"So lad, what's yer name?"
"Anthony"
"Sorry, ngh, didn't catch that."
"Ah, TONY, it's Tony"

The leprechaun returned to his grunting. He started fucking Tony faster and faster. Tony was sure the litte bastard couldn't keep it up much longer. Between grunts he started talking again.

"And how old are ye, Tony?"
"I'm 27"
"27, eh"

Tony felt what he could only assume was the leprechaun climaxing all over him. He felt nauseated, but at least he was a millionaire now.

"27. And Tony, do ye not think that 27 is a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns"

I've never been a joke teller. :mad:

Got an uncle and couple cousins that are tho.

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"

The Englishman spoke first.

"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."

"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management."

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

"What is your last request?"

The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...
How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"