NationStates Jolt Archive

not in this situation but i am in a pondering mood. under what criteria is it acceptable to become involved with a friend's Ex? If it is At all? Explain Why.
Also elaborate on choices.

I'm gonna play the age card here and say I dunno.

I'm gonna play the age card here and say I dunno.

how old are you ?

It's always acceptable to date anybody, it doesn't matter who they are, but in this case it's best to wait a month or so.

It's always acceptable to date anybody, it doesn't matter who they are, but in this case it's best to wait a month or so.

wow just a month. you might be catching her/him on a rebound.

how old are you ?

Fourteen.

wow just a month. you might be catching her/him on a rebound.

Yeah, but I suppose it makes a difference how long the relationship lasted for, how serious it was etc.

I don't see the problem with it. Maybe it depends on the break up.

I've done it more than once.

It's kind of like dating a friend's sister, it's a hell of a minefield. I'd say it depends on how good a friend they are.

If a really good friend broke up with his girlfriend, I wouldn't ever date her, because things will get awkward, despite your best efforts, and eventually, you're going to have to choose between them. FYI: Always go with your friend. Girls come and go, but really good friends are few and terribly far between.

If it's just an acquaintance, or a co-worker, or something, I'd wait about 6-8 months, to make sure you're not just the rebound guy.

Under what criteria is it acceptable to become involved with a friend's Ex? If it is At all? Explain Why.

I've never gotten most of the "no-no's" and "boundaries" that dating supposedly offers.

If you want to date someone and they want to date you, I see no "rule" saying you aren't supposed to (except, of course, age and relatives laws).

If you want to date someone who already is in a relationship, you might want to weigh whether that person or their current partner is worth more to you, i.e. if you're pondering dating your friend's partner while they're still together I guess you'd have to decide on only one of them. If, however, the relationship's already ended, I see no reason why that person would have to be off-limit. I personally would probably have advised my friends not to hook up with my ex-partners because, well, there's always been a reason we broke up, but if they still decided to go with it, I'd have had no negative feelings against them.
It's kind of like dating a friend's sister, it's a hell of a minefield. I'd say it depends on how good a friend they are.


With both cases, I'm not sure I understand why it would be a minefield. Sure, if I'm in a habit of abusing my partners, if that partner's brother happened to be my friend and he found out he'd be pissed, sure. But other than that, I (hope) I only have friends mature enough to know with any relationship comes the potential for unintended, non-malicious emotional hurt, and to thus not hold it against me if something goes wrong in the relationship without me having intended it.


Now, my ex-boyfriend's sister.. that'd be a bit awkward, but if she were game (which she isn't), I'd not let that deter us.

I've never gotten most of the "no-no's" and "boundaries" that dating supposedly offers.

Me too.. if I want to date someone I will go for it as long as they are single. I have my preferences for age and what not but I'm not going to not try with someone because they broke up wiht my freind. I'd date a freinds ex or even an ex-girlfreind's freind. I can think of one situation where I probably would have dated my ex-girlfreinds ex-girlfreind.


Now, my ex-boyfriend's sister.. that'd be a bit awkward, but if she were game (which she isn't), I'd not let that deter us.

I'm interested in the ex-boyfreind's ex-girlfreind...

With both cases, I'm not sure I understand why it would be a minefield.

Most of the guys I've known tend to be touchy about their sisters. There are certain things you do in relationships that a guy knows his sister does, but doesn't want to think about her doing, much less hear about it. And a lot of 'guy talk'(again, this is based on my experience and my circle of friends and acquaintances, nowhere am I saying this is how all guys behave or should behave)is predicated on talking about those things, or the potential for those things, or the desire for those things with ceratin people. This is where it becomes awkward.

Most of the guys I've known tend to be touchy about their sisters. There are certain things you do in relationships that a guy knows his sister does, but doesn't want to think about her doing, much less hear about it. And a lot of 'guy talk'(again, this is based on my experience and my circle of friends and acquaintances, nowhere am I saying this is how all guys behave or should behave)is predicated on talking about those things, or the potential for those things, or the desire for those things with ceratin people. This is where it becomes awkward.

Being brutally honest: As someone with three sisters I would rather know that they do these things with people I know and like, even trust. Than some person I never met. In other words I am not bothered one iota by it.

I'm currently semi-seeing one of my ex's friends... so he's seeing his friend's ex. Not going to lie, it's a bit of a sticky situation, and I have my own reservations... not to mention, my ex and I sadly didn't end on the happiest of terms. Having said that, we're all trying to be mature about it. We'll see how it goes.

Personally, it really depends on the circumstances. Normally, I would say no way, no how, but given recent events, I'm open to loopholes

It's entirely up to you. Ask yourself a few questions. How will your friend likely react? Will he be furious and never talk to you again? Will he be insanely jealous and make things uncomfortable? How important is your friendship to this guy? How much do you like the girl?

Basically, you have to figure out for yourself if dating this girl is worth the potential complications in your friendship with the guy.

It varies from person to person. For example, there are lesser restrictions on dating your buddy johnny's ex than on (if they broke up, hypothetically speaking) dating Prince Philip's ex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II_of_the_United_Kingdom).

depends on the friend, the girl, how long they were dating, how important she is to you....

but if the girl is more important than the friend, go for it no matter how long it has been.

Generally, I'd say the condition for me would be "with my friend's permission" - although even then, unless I was really smitten, I'd probably skip it. It just makes for colossally awkward situations.

About a month. A month BEFORE they become your friends ex.:cool:

This depends on a couple of things.
If the girl breaks up with you're friend, wait at least 3 months, then ask. Never ruin a friendship over a girl.
If he breaks up with her, wait 3 days, then anything goes.

Am I the only one who comes from a place where most guys tell thier freinds' "Go out with <this or that ex> they are a sure thing!" ?

The general way it was solved in secondry school (the last time I encountered this dilemma) was to go to the guy before and say something akin to "Hey, I'm going to tap that, and I ain't asking for permission, but I'd thought I'd give you a heads-up out of respect, 'cause you my homie." Yup, we all talked that way at the time. It was pretty odd.

Am I the only one who comes from a place where most guys tell thier freinds' "Go out with <this or that ex> they are a sure thing!" ?
they say that about their ex girlfriends?

surely its OK to "date" a girl your friend had a one time "date" with.

they say that about their ex girlfriends?

Yeah.

surely its OK to "date" a girl your friend had a one time "date" with.

You may misunderstand, several people I know say this about women they had been with for months, or years... I think maybe its a bitter thing but I don't know.

It might help if I clarified that I don't have the words to despise the place I live or the utter lack of empathy and concern I have for most of the people here.

Yeah.



You may misunderstand, several people I know say this about women they had been with for months, or years... I think maybe its a bitter thing but I don't know.

It might help if I clarified that I don't have the words to despise the place I live or the utter lack of empathy and concern I have for most of the people here.
yeah thats kinda creepy.

if they broke up "for cause" they shouldnt want you to get involved with that bitch because you are their friend. if they got their heart torn out by having her break up with them they shouldnt be able to stand the pain of seeing you with her.

to have no feelings at all is....creepy.

I think it's acceptable only if the friend has consented to it. One needs to make sure that there are no feelings for the ex if one is to proceed and date said friend's ex. I think I wouldn't jeopardize a friendship, a strong one, on account of a romantic affair. It's also about what's important, you know.

not in this situation but i am in a pondering mood. under what criteria is it acceptable to become involved with a friend's Ex? If it is At all? Explain Why.
Also elaborate on choices.

Er... that poll lacks the option "as long at that friend is ok with it". Which is the only sensible answer.

I once had a guy explain to me that it was NOT okay to date a friend's ex, because it would cause fights. When asked to clarify, he told me that if your friend had fucked the ex in the ass, and you knew about it, it would piss you off if you were dating her.

This guy was a moron.

I once had a guy explain to me that it was NOT okay to date a friend's ex, because it would cause fights. When asked to clarify, he told me that if your friend had fucked the ex in the ass, and you knew about it, it would piss you off if you were dating her.

This guy was a moron.

He was, indeed, a moron. :eek2:

He was, indeed, a moron. :eek2:

Only one thing, on a very long list of things, that caused me to divorce him.

Only one thing, on a very long list of things, that caused me to divorce him.

His logic was... and you know this better than me... quite twisted. *nod* I am glad you divorced him, querida.

Only one thing, on a very long list of things, that caused me to divorce him.

Don't get me wrong, but I do hope he only mentioned that a good few years into the marriage. Otherwise I would have to question your judgement for ever marrying him in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, but I do hope he only mentioned that a good few years into the marriage. Otherwise I would have to question your judgement for ever marrying him in the first place.

No, it's okay to question that judgment...it was seriously impaired. Yes, that comment came later on, but was by no means the weirdest opinion he held. In my defence, I was 18 when we met, drunk and high most of the time, and he hardly spoke any English for the first few years we knew each other.

I once had a guy explain to me that it was NOT okay to date a friend's ex, because it would cause fights. When asked to clarify, he told me that if your friend had fucked the ex in the ass, and you knew about it, it would piss you off if you were dating her.

This guy was a moron.

.........yeah, pretty much.

Your ex is, shall we say, "special." :p

.........yeah, pretty much.

Your ex is, shall we say, "special." :p

Your ex and my ex should meet. Then we can sink the ship/blow up the island/shoot a flaming arrow into the hot air balloon.

Your ex and my ex should meet. Then we can sink the ship/blow up the island/shoot a flaming arrow into the hot air balloon.

I like this plan. :D

If the friend in question is ok with you dating their ex then there isnt a problem. I agrre tho that unless i was really into the guy i'd avoid the situation at all costs...'specially if i consider the friend to be a close one.

I'm interested in the ex-boyfreind's ex-girlfreind...

I'm sorry, but you know how I am.. it's F-R-I-E-N-D, seriously. One of the few words that really get me when misspelled. *puts red teacher's marker back in pocket*

That said.. feel free, as long as he doesn't get wind of it - he's one terribly jealous bastard of a man.

Most of the guys I've known tend to be touchy about their sisters. There are certain things you do in relationships that a guy knows his sister does, but doesn't want to think about her doing, much less hear about it.
Ah, I see. This is where the whole thing about me trying to choose mature and intelligent friends comes in again.

I never understood why people insist on codifying rules and regulations for acceptable relationship behavior. It seems needlessly complicated, given that things like relationships are supposed to develop and proceed naturally, not according to some preset template.

Why do people feel the need to try and write some rules of relationships as if it were that simp-

I never understood why people insist on codifying rules and regulations for acceptable relationship behavior. It seems needlessly complicated, given that things like relationships are supposed to develop and proceed naturally, not according to some preset template.

erm, yes, this.

wow just a month. you might be catching her/him on a rebound.
Never understood the whole rebound thing, but whatever.
I never understood why people insist on codifying rules and regulations for acceptable relationship behavior. It seems needlessly complicated, given that things like relationships are supposed to develop and proceed naturally, not according to some preset template.

While I agree in principle, it's just how people work. We're an extremely social animal, all social dynamics are going to have some underlying ground rules, spoken or not.

Personally, if a friend were to date an ex of mine, even if after only a very short period of time, I don't think I'd care very much. The whole "ex" part of the relationship being a major motivator for me to just not care; on the other hand, I realize others do care about such frivolous nonsense, so I'd take into consideration the friend first.

NO

Old meat is off limits and I speak from experience

Never understood the whole rebound thing, but whatever.

when you just get out of relationship you feel lonely and grasp at anything.

It is never acceptable and very bad form to do so. There are enough girls in the world that this should never happen.

There are enough girls in the world that this should never happen.

but it's acceptable if your friend's ex is a boy?

LOL I am friends with the woman who just married one of my ex-boyfriends.

The qualifications are: grow up and move on, it didn't work out, so don't sweat that they're seeing someone else. If you really care about them, you'll be happy they found someone to make them happy.

If you're looking to date a friend's ex, at least wait a couple months before jumping into a relationship with them, and let your friend know you're doing it. You don't want it looking like you're sneaking around behind their backs like a guilty teenager.

but it's acceptable if your friend's ex is a boy?

well there are more girls than boys :wink:

but it's acceptable if your friend's ex is a boy?

I can't speak to that since I am a heterosexual male. Ask a girl.

I can't speak to that since I am a heterosexual male.
Ok, have to put that down on my mental list.

well there are more girls than boys :wink:

Not everywhere. China has more boys than girls, for instance.

As for my opinion on this topic, I agree with whoever said that any two people who want to date should do so regardless of prior attachments. On the other hand, if your friend objects, s/he may have a valid point as your new partner may well be a psychotic, knife-wielding maniac, so if that worries you you can consult with your friend before going ahead with it. It seriously depends on the situation.

And I think rules for this kind of thing are stupid.

when you just get out of relationship you feel lonely and grasp at anything.
Eh? This is most certainly not always, maybe even not often, the case. Granted, this does happen but I don't see how taking advantage of such a sentiment is any different than taking advantage of a, say, generally codependent personality type. People are people, we use different strategies to associate, don't know why someone "on the rebound" is worse than, say, having sex with someone whose a nympho or something.
It is never acceptable and very bad form to do so. There are enough girls in the world that this should never happen.

What? If I want a specific girl, I want THAT SPECIFIC GIRL, not the myriad other girls out there. This is a silly, silly argument.

I can't speak to that since I am a heterosexual male. Ask a girl.

Your nation name suggests otherwise, but okay.

Any girls here? Katganistan doesn't count, she's too likely to give a reasonable answer that I agree with.

Ok, have to put that down on my mental list.

I'm honored to have a place in your memory.

Your nation name suggests otherwise, but okay.

Its a state, ok! :P

What? If I want a specific girl, I want THAT SPECIFIC GIRL, not the myriad other girls out there. This is a silly, silly argument.

Call me a cynic, but I don't think that anyone ever wants a specific girl for traits that only that girl possesses. You can always find someone else to smite yourself with - thinking that only a single girl is the one for you is a very short-term assessment.

I'm honored to have a place in your memory.



Its a state, ok! :P
Well, I know some people initially believe I am a male because of the -stan in my name (and of course, there are no girls on the Internet), and I know there are males with "feminine" names (ending in a, for instance). I didn't realize your handle had to do with the state until you identified yourself as a guy.

;) Now I'll know.

and of course, there are no girls on the Internet

I am of this opinion. I would have thought the assumption would be that I was male, until I explicitly stated otherwise, or posted pictures of my boobs.

I am of this opinion. I would have thought the assumption would be that I was male, until I explicitly stated otherwise, or posted pictures of my boobs.

I don't make assumptions, as a rule. People get assigned genders when they post something indicating it. However, certain attributes, such as obviously feminine or masculine usernames or avatar pictures, are always going to cause assumptions to be made.

Someone with a gender-neutral name and avatar (the vast majority of NSers) I assume to be genderless if I haven't interacted with them before.

Not everywhere. China has more boys than girls, for instance.

it evens out once you factor in the imported women

And I think rules for this kind of thing are stupid.

why? practical to-do stuff that you pick up from experience is usually good to stick with

Eh? This is most certainly not always, maybe even not often, the case.

yes because the last thing a recently single person does is reach out to anyone around :rolleyes:

don't know why someone "on the rebound" is worse than, say, having sex with someone whose a nympho or something.

you don't see a difference between someone having a need for constant sexual contact and someone hitching up with anyone who's willing at the time?

What? If I want a specific girl

then your a horrible friend who's been pining for your mates Mrs? your putting in way too much effort for a girl who probably isn't worth it?

Call me a cynic, but I don't think that anyone ever wants a specific girl for traits that only that girl possesses. You can always find someone else to smite yourself with - thinking that only a single girl is the one for you is a very short-term assessment.

I know I can, I tend not to get very emotionally attached to things after only a short period of time, but I've come to the shocking realization that not everyone is like me (it really ruined peak-a-boo for me; I mean, seriously, what the fuck, yo).

Also, on the flip side of your argument, yes, it is entirely possible to want a girl for the specific conjuncture of character qualities she may possess. People are very similar but no one is identical, except for twins but they are devil children and everyone knows that, it isn't unfathomable that the picky individual may find a girl specifically preferable to every other girl out there (or a girl a boy or a boy a boy or a girl a girl...this is a shared aspect regardless of where the penis is put or what is put in the vagina).

Pretty much it comes down to the fact that, at the social level we're talking about, people ARE unique amongst themselves. To posit a level of interchangibility that you seem to be suggesting is simply to ignore the reality of the human condition and psyche.

Pretty much it comes down to the fact that, at the social level we're talking about, people ARE unique amongst themselves. To posit a level of interchangibility that you seem to be suggesting is simply to ignore the reality of the human condition and psyche.
I don't think there is ever a situation in which you only want that specific combination of traits, over every other combination. Again, a very short-sighted approach.

I am of this opinion. I would have thought the assumption would be that I was male, until I explicitly stated otherwise, or posted pictures of my boobs.

virginacooper is right tits or gtfo

SNIP

sounds like limerance

you don't see a difference between someone having a need for constant sexual contact and someone hitching up with anyone who's willing at the time?
Huh? I see a difference in degree but not much behind the underlying reasoning. In fact, I'd say that most would consider the former to be worse than the latter, as one is a recognized disorder and the other is taking advantage of a coping mechanism.
then your a horrible friend who's been pining for your mates Mrs? your putting in way too much effort for a girl who probably isn't worth it?

Wha? Or I might be a person with specific tastes, like most are, and see an opening that, depending on the circumstance, may be completely acceptable. I really don't see how this would make one a horrible friend; emotional impulses tend to be things that are not voluntary, they occur and we react to them. I tend to be able to shut these things off more than most people in my experience, but it would be unreasonable of me to expect others to do the same (in fact, for a variety of reasons, I certainly hope they wouldn't be able to).

Honestly, I don't really follow how you went from my statement to yours. Strikes me as a good bit of a non sequitur but perhaps I'm missing something.

I don't think there is ever a situation in which you only want that specific combination of traits, over every other combination. Again, a very short-sighted approach.

Not necessarily. The world is a big place and it can be safe to assume that if you find a very specifically pleasing set of traits, you might not run into a near approximation of that set again or any time soon. And, consider that this isn't an entirely rational process, it's mostly subconscious and instinctual. Rarely does a person look at a potential partner and weigh pros and cons, explicitly analyze potentials and likelihoods and all that fun stuff. It happens, but it happens closer to the hind brain than in that wonderful frontal lobe we've come to possess (speaking metaphorically here, of course....I know dick all about the actual structure of our brain). As such, it happens according to a heuristic which, while I'd argue it has a rational basis, doesn't necessarily means it's a rational function in the way we generally mean such in normal discussion (or one such as this).

virginacooper is right tits or gtfo

Will this suffice?
Me. (http://photo.net/shared/portrait.tcl?user_id=537657)

Huh? I see a difference in degree but not much behind the underlying reasoning. In fact, I'd say that most would consider the former to be worse than the latter, as one is a recognized disorder and the other is taking advantage of a coping mechanism.

you think at worst casual sex is better than starting a relationship just because your feeling lonely?

emotional impulses tend to be things that are not voluntary, they occur and we react to them.

bollocks show some bloody discipline your not a [sexist comment] and as such shouldn't be ruled by attachment

onestly, I don't really follow how you went from my statement to yours. Strikes me as a good bit of a non sequitur but perhaps I'm missing something.

worshipping women = bad

Will this suffice?
Me. (http://photo.net/shared/portrait.tcl?user_id=537657)

:eek: I see a ring...and how is that string holding that book in the air!? *burns the witch*

As long as your friend is fine with it (or has ceased being your friend anyway) then it's fine.

you think at worst casual sex is better than starting a relationship just because your feeling lonely?
Depending on the context? Sure. Relationships are not always these amazing, magical, perfect things...sometimes they are things certain personality types bounce between the way sex-addicts bounce between lays. I have my own foibles, I'm not about to judge others' at some moral level, though that doesn't mean I suggest strategies to change if asked.
bollocks show some bloody discipline your not a [sexist comment] and as such shouldn't be ruled by attachment
I don't necessarily disagree with you, but unfortunately this is how most people function. People like their attachments, be they cars, sports teams, relationships, religion, whatever. I will always politely and calmly try to suggest otherwise, but I also understand that that is really the most effective thing I can do.
worshipping women = bad

Agreed. Worship of anything is bad. Worship entails an irrational and purely emotional attachment. I still don't see what that has to do with what I posted or the follow-ups therefrom.

eek: I see a ring...and how is that string holding that book in the air!? *burns the witch*
Forget the book, you wanted to see the boobs. There they are -- in the dress next to the floating book.

Keep in mind that the girl (or guy) in question disagreed with your friend enough that they broke up.

In my case, a friend of mine was dating this girl we both had feelings for--he knew about my feelings for her before they hooked up--but then they broke up a month later.

Considering that they're both friends, I did my best to cheer them both up. The fact he'd never even told me what he was planning on dating her despite knowing my feelings kind of bothered me, and it had bothered him that whole time too, but we reconciled that one.

Given all the circumstances, it would (in theory) be fine for me to date her. Of course I've been deeply entrenched in the friend zone by now, so it's a moot point.

not in this situation but i am in a pondering mood. under what criteria is it acceptable to become involved with a friend's Ex? If it is At all? Explain Why.
Also elaborate on choices.

Depends on your gender. If you're male, you don't mess with a friend's ex. Period. You just don't. That's a dick move. The only exception is if the break-up was friendly and you specifically ask if it's ok and they say yes. That does not actually make it ok, it just makes them a moron for saying yes so it's their fault not yours.
If you're female, it's ok in the sense that it's not fundamentally, absolutely wrong like if a guy does it. But your friend has every right to and will probably find every possible way to subtly make your life hell while still being your friend. This is because girl friendships are a bit more fluid than guys.

Guys don't have friendship categories, or dating categories, or anything like that. You are friends, or you're not. Some friends are better than others, sure, but they're still in the category of "friend" along with that roommate you had freshman year who you haven't talked to in two years but got along with fine when you lived together. Similarly, there are "not-friends", which contain both that hobo who asked for change that you don't know, and that roommate you're living with now that lets the toilet overflow and cleans it up with your towel.
Guys only have dating and not-dating. The whole friends-with-benefits thing doesn't make sense to guys. That situation never works because guys will assign one of the two categories to it: they assign it to "not-dating" and then sleep with another girl because hey, they weren't dating. Or they assign "dating" and starting getting too attached and then the girl gets weirded out because he's serious for dating, but too serious for friends-with-benefits.

Girls have multiple and subtle nuances of categories of friends. A girl can be friends with someone she hates. A girl can be not-dating a guy she's been seeing exclusively for a year and a half.

So. If you are a male, you do not date your friend's ex, because that would clash with the "friend" category of your friend and his "not-dating" of her. He would have to shift into your "not-friend" category.

With girls, it really depends on where the ex is on the "friends" and "dating" scale, where you are with them, and so on and so forth. You can go for it, but you'll probably move down the scale.

General advice, though: Don't.

I'm sorry, but you know how I am.. it's F-R-I-E-N-D, seriously. One of the few words that really get me when misspelled. *puts red teacher's marker back in pocket*

Yeah, Mozilla's spellcheck has me spoiled and I get lazy, that and I was up for about 24 hours :(.


That said.. feel free, as long as he doesn't get wind of it - he's one terribly jealous bastard of a man.


I do feel free too :D. I think I may have to be more conscious of my spelling if I intend to pursue though.

Call me a cynic, but I don't think that anyone ever wants a specific girl for traits that only that girl possesses. You can always find someone else to smite yourself with - thinking that only a single girl is the one for you is a very short-term assessment.

Uhh... when I want a woman I want a woman for specific traits that only that woman possesses. I don't think there is only a single woman out there for me, but I generally only want one at a time.

Er... that poll lacks the option "as long at that friend is ok with it". Which is the only sensible answer.

i find that to be a trap. you ask they will say yes even if they are not. They say no the girl convinces you that he is just immature.

Depends on your gender. If you're male, you don't mess with a friend's ex. Period. You just don't. That's a dick move. The only exception is if the break-up was friendly and you specifically ask if it's ok and they say yes. That does not actually make it ok, it just makes them a moron for saying yes so it's their fault not yours.
If you're female, it's ok in the sense that it's not fundamentally, absolutely wrong like if a guy does it. But your friend has every right to and will probably find every possible way to subtly make your life hell while still being your friend. This is because girl friendships are a bit more fluid than guys.

Guys don't have friendship categories, or dating categories, or anything like that. You are friends, or you're not. Some friends are better than others, sure, but they're still in the category of "friend" along with that roommate you had freshman year who you haven't talked to in two years but got along with fine when you lived together. Similarly, there are "not-friends", which contain both that hobo who asked for change that you don't know, and that roommate you're living with now that lets the toilet overflow and cleans it up with your towel.
Guys only have dating and not-dating. The whole friends-with-benefits thing doesn't make sense to guys. That situation never works because guys will assign one of the two categories to it: they assign it to "not-dating" and then sleep with another girl because hey, they weren't dating. Or they assign "dating" and starting getting too attached and then the girl gets weirded out because he's serious for dating, but too serious for friends-with-benefits.

Girls have multiple and subtle nuances of categories of friends. A girl can be friends with someone she hates. A girl can be not-dating a guy she's been seeing exclusively for a year and a half.

So. If you are a male, you do not date your friend's ex, because that would clash with the "friend" category of your friend and his "not-dating" of her. He would have to shift into your "not-friend" category.

With girls, it really depends on where the ex is on the "friends" and "dating" scale, where you are with them, and so on and so forth. You can go for it, but you'll probably move down the scale.

General advice, though: Don't.

you win an internet.

What's this "ask permission" stuff?

You say something because it's courteous to your friend so they don't get clubbed over the head with it unaware.

Since people don't own other people, especially people they are no longer seeing, you don't ask permission.

What's this "ask permission" stuff?

You say something because it's courteous to your friend so they don't get clubbed over the head with it unaware.

Since people don't own other people, especially people they are no longer seeing, you don't ask permission.

i always viewed the ask permission stuff as a ritualized notification.

What's this "ask permission" stuff?


Manequette; like not dating someone's sister, or complaining about the kind of beer they have in their fridge, or taking the last slice of pizza.

You just don't do those things!

Yeah its stupid...

More and more, I agree with this:
http://www.postmodernsass.com/blogger/uploaded_images/BoysAreStupid-759160.jpg

More and more, I agree with this:
http://www.postmodernsass.com/blogger/uploaded_images/BoysAreStupid-759160.jpg

Since I don't ascribe to most boy things does that make me a girl?

What's this "ask permission" stuff?

You say something because it's courteous to your friend so they don't get clubbed over the head with it unaware.

Since people don't own other people, especially people they are no longer seeing, you don't ask permission.

Are you questioning The Rules?

The Rules exist for a reason. And they are to be followed in all cases, regardless of circumstances. Do not ignore The Rules. If The Rules say you have to ask permission, you ask permission, by gum, and no amount of anecdotal evidence about how you never had to do that with your husband will change The Rules.

Since I don't ascribe to most boy things does that make me a girl?

No.

These box cutters, plus this syringe full of those feminine hormone things, will make you a girl.

No.

These box cutters, plus this syringe full of those feminine hormone things, will make you a girl.

I'll pass.

Since I don't ascribe to most boy things does that make me a girl?
No, it makes you a man.

I'll pass.

Darn. Now I'll have to find other people to throw veiled threats at. :<

Darn. Now I'll have to find other people to throw veiled threats at. :<

just drug him and perform the operation anyways.

Manequette; like not dating someone's sister,

Ooops.

or complaining about the kind of beer they have in their fridge

My friends all have good taste in beer:p

just drug him and perform the operation anyways.

Ok.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

What's this "ask permission" stuff?

You say something because it's courteous to your friend so they don't get clubbed over the head with it unaware.

Since people don't own other people, especially people they are no longer seeing, you don't ask permission.

I dunno if I'd think of it as "asking permission," but I'd certainly ask my friend if they were okay with it, and if they were not, would have to do some serious evaluation of my priorities. It's not a matter of "owning" an ex, but just a matter of "it would hurt me to see him with you." Most people don't enjoy hurting their friends if they can help it, after all.

Forget the book, you wanted to see the boobs. There they are -- in the dress next to the floating book.

...no fair I can't see cleavage >)>

Since people don't own other people

have you no concept of territory?!

More and more, I agree with this:
http://www.postmodernsass.com/blogger/uploaded_images/BoysAreStupid-759160.jpg

only if we can agree that all women are evil

No, it makes you a man.

a girly man :p

a girly man :p

http://www.angelzfunnyz.com/Portals/0/Gallery/Album/14/girly-man.jpg
*cries*

ok.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

keep that rag away from me i am not falling for that!!!!

what was the problem again? i fail to see that there is any.

i really think the only thing against it would be to avoid creating anxiety. to either of them.

you know this is entirely a cultural context bound question.

What's this "ask permission" stuff?

You say something because it's courteous to your friend so they don't get clubbed over the head with it unaware.

Since people don't own other people, especially people they are no longer seeing, you don't ask permission.

Asking permission is like the urinal code (http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_nov2003/Challenge.htm). You just do. It's a courtesy.

Kind of like holding open a door or asking if anyone else wants the last piece of cake. And there is nothing to stop you from dating an ex if he says no, as long as you understand that it makes you a dick and he is entitled to call you Judas and proclaim to the world how you stabbed him in the back.


Anyways, this illustrates my point nicely that guys and girls work differently.

Asking permission is like the urinal code (http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_nov2003/Challenge.htm).

I've never heard of that. When I need to pee I just use whichever one's open. Or a stall if one of them is available.

I also always ask if anyone else wants the last piece of cake. If they say "sure, yeah", my response is usually, "well, too bad. It's mine now." :)

Asking permission is like the urinal code (http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_nov2003/Challenge.htm). You just do. It's a courtesy.

What?:eek2:

What?:eek2:

Girls actually rarely hear about the urinal code. It's not like guys talk about it a lot.

I've never heard of that. When I need to pee I just use whichever one's open. Or a stall if one of them is available.

I also always ask if anyone else wants the last piece of cake. If they say "sure, yeah", my response is usually, "well, too bad. It's mine now." :)

But if you're a guy and you don't know the code, dunno about that.

Also, it's not like the code is spelled out often and on every wall of every men's room. Most of it is subconscious, I would imagine.

But if you're a guy and you don't know the code, dunno about that.

Also, it's not like the code is spelled out often and on every wall of every men's room. Most of it is subconscious, I would imagine.

Yeah, this is the first time I'm hearing it, and last I checked, I was a guy. In addition, when I go into public bathrooms (and am paying attention) I never really notice anyone abiding by it, to the best of my knowledge.

I married my brothers ex - does that make me wierd?

I always have a nagging doubt that she's comparing us:$

I married my brothers ex - does that make me wierd?

I always have a nagging doubt that she's comparing us:$

If you married her then you obviously scored higher than your brother. In your face, brothers of the world!

Asking permission is like the urinal code (http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_nov2003/Challenge.htm). You just do. It's a courtesy.

Kind of like holding open a door or asking if anyone else wants the last piece of cake. And there is nothing to stop you from dating an ex if he says no, as long as you understand that it makes you a dick and he is entitled to call you Judas and proclaim to the world how you stabbed him in the back.


Anyways, this illustrates my point nicely that guys and girls work differently.
Except in practice most don't follow these silly "guy codes."
Yeah, this is the first time I'm hearing it, and last I checked, I was a guy. In addition, when I go into public bathrooms (and am paying attention) I never really notice anyone abiding by it, to the best of my knowledge.

Think it also has to do with culture and personal space preferences. I generally follow it because I don't like standing shoulder to shoulder with anyone, especially while we're both in the process of expelling wastes from our bodies.

Girls actually rarely hear about the urinal code. It's not like guys talk about it a lot.

I can see that. Guys are, I don't know, so weird that way.

not in this situation but i am in a pondering mood. under what criteria is it acceptable to become involved with a friend's Ex? If it is At all? Explain Why.
Also elaborate on choices.

If you know your friend has herpes, then no.

not in this situation
Sure you're not.

but i am in a pondering mood.
Mmm-hmm...
under what criteria is it acceptable to become involved with a friend's Ex?

That kind of sounds like something you're going to have to, you know, work out with your friend since the fallout is something a bunch of random jokers on a website aren't going to be able to predict.

Girls actually rarely hear about the urinal code. It's not like guys talk about it a lot.


True. It's only been featured in, say, half a gazillion NSG threads.

True. It's only been featured in, say, half a gazillion NSG threads.

And yet... (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=14541817&postcount=94)

Except in practice most don't follow these silly "guy codes."

Not in my experience.

Besides, the code is more what you call "guidelines" than actual rules.

Think it also has to do with culture and personal space preferences. I generally follow it because I don't like standing shoulder to shoulder with anyone, especially while we're both in the process of expelling wastes from our bodies.

Exactly. And if all guys want personal space when they're expelling waste, you form an informal agreement: I don't mess with your personal space, don't mess with mine.

Not in my experience.

Besides, the code is more what you call "guidelines" than actual rules.



Exactly. And if all guys want personal space when they're expelling waste, you form an informal agreement: I don't mess with your personal space, don't mess with mine.

I guess you can call them guidelines, but they're very loose guidelines, then. If someone needs to piss they're gonna piss.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

Well, my current boyfriend used to be friends with my ex. Then he learned that my ex was an abusive jerk.

Now they are no longer friends.

not in this situation but i am in a pondering mood. under what criteria is it acceptable to become involved with a friend's Ex? If it is At all? Explain Why.
Also elaborate on choices.In some cases it's a great way to end up with people threatening your life, limb, and family members.

In others, it's a good way to determine which of your friends has the best chemistry/sexual aptitude with your other friends.

It's kinda relative, really.

I'm still not seeing what the big deal here is... if I want to do something with my friend's ex than I will regardless of what they think. There are a million reasons to break up, not all of them are caused by the ex.

I fail to see why there should be a problem here. So long as you don't get together while they are still going out with your friend, and you leave it a reasonable amount of time before going out to avoid the suspicion that this was what was going on, why would it be an issue? An ex doesn't own the body of their former partner, and if the friend has issues with it, thats their problem, and they should probably try get some counselling to get over it.

I fail to see why there should be a problem here. So long as you don't get together while they are still going out with your friend, and you leave it a reasonable amount of time before going out to avoid the suspicion that this was what was going on, why would it be an issue? An ex doesn't own the body of their former partner, and if the friend has issues with it, thats their problem, and they should probably try get some counselling to get over it.

Yep, totally.

You should probably wait a while (six months?) before descending on a woman who used to date a friend, otherwise you run the risk of being seen as predatory - by both her and her former boyfriend.

If there's really no chance for them to reconcile, it's your business who you get involved with and not his.

That said, if he gives you a warning about behavior on her part which lead to the breakup, heed it!

Provided there's sufficient time between the relationships, and a degree of consent or approbation is given, I see no problem. That said, having just broken with my first love, I wouldn't take it too well if a friend had a crack.

An ex doesn't own the body of their former partner, and if the friend has issues with it, thats their problem, and they should probably try get some counselling to get over it.

I really can't understand why people find this so confusing. I don't believe anyone has argued that one "owns" their exes, or that it's not the friend's issue if they are upset, but some of us - and apparently this is very odd - actually don't like making our friends unhappy if we can reasonably help it. It's like we actually value friendships or something!

There's no hard & fast rule. It all depends on how close you are to the friend, what sort of relationship the friend had with the ex, how long ago it was & how strong your feelings are for the ex.

First we need to determine what kind of friend this is - are you friends because of similar characters and interests, or is your friend closer to being your opposite (which can also make someone lots of fun to hang out with)?
Since you apparently have similar preferences in choice of partner, this friend most likely is of the similar kind. That means their ex is incompatible with someone very similar to you, and then it's likely the ex is incompatible with you, too. So don't waste your time.

Furthermore, some people keep feelings of emotional attachment to their exes for forever, and would rather not know too much about what their exes are doing with others. It's similar to dating the parent or child of your friend, it might be fun for you but for your friend it is... yuck.

Finally, two people have become available. Who do you date, the meanie who hurt your friend, or your friend who you know is a nice and good person? (unfortunately so far none of my friends who broke up has agreed with this logic. weird.)

Don't know i this has been said yet or not but I am going ahead and saying it anyway.

Now this really applies to guys not to sure on women etiquette hasn't come up yet in our conversations.

If the guy broke up with her(or him) simply because he didn't want to be around her anymore and was simply just sick and tired of her than there is nothing wrong with dating her.

If he broke up with her because of some misdeed that she has done to him (such as cheating) then she is pretty much out of bounds.

If she broke up with him simply because she got tired of him or just felt like going with someone else than (and it does depend on how long they were together) she is out of bounds.

If they are on a break than she really is out of bounds till it is official.

Don't know i this has been said yet or not but I am going ahead and saying it anyway.

Now this really applies to guys not to sure on women etiquette hasn't come up yet in our conversations.

If the guy broke up with her(or him) simply because he didn't want to be around her anymore and was simply just sick and tired of her than there is nothing wrong with dating her.

If he broke up with her because of some misdeed that she has done to him (such as cheating) then she is pretty much out of bounds.

If she broke up with him simply because she got tired of him or just felt like going with someone else than (and it does depend on how long they were together) she is out of bounds.

If they are on a break than she really is out of bounds till it is official.

Minor problem: what if she broke up with him because of something he did to her? You don't cover that.

Minor problem: what if she broke up with him because of something he did to her? You don't cover that.

Kick his ass.

Men: Follow the Man Code. If necessary, check the Man Code Wiki.

Women: don't ask me. If I'm your friend's ex, and you're hot, and no other conflict is found in the Man Code, I'd date you.

Usually you would not because it would make your friend uncomfortable. However I think there is a limit for example if that friend moves away or you are no longer friends or if you value her/his ex friendship more. I wouldn't say it is always off limits. You should seek to avoid the chance that something may happen but if does then so be it.

Barbecuing
Women may not touch the grill - ever. Exception: If the man grilling dies defending his food, said woman must save the steaks before grieving.

Honey-Do List
If a Man waits less than two weeks before fixing something after being asked, he is whipped.

Kick his ass.

Aww ... my boyfriend's even offered to do that to the ex for me ... but of course I won't let him.