NationStates Jolt Archive

I wonder...is this becoming more common? Or is it just coincidence that I seem to know so many people now who are in non-monogamous relationships? Whether it's het, bi or gay couples, there seem to be a lot more people who have or at least are admitting to having non-monogamous relationships. What I've found is that almost everyone has a different set of 'rules' for how their relationship works. Honesty appears to be the central tenant, but logistical issues vary greatly.

So, have you, would you, do you, and if the answer is yes to any of those, what are [would be] your 'rules'? What are your thoughts on open relationships in general (i.e., how would you define them, how do they make you feel etc)?

One lesbian couple I know has the following rules:

No sleeping with friends, and no sleeping with the same person more than a handful of times at most. You don't sleep over, you make sure you come home that night. If the person lives 500 km away or more, you can fuck her, even if she's a friend. Always safe sex.

They don't have threesomes, they are completely open about who they've had sex with, and provide full disclosure to the woman 'on the side' about the situation.

A het couple I know just came up with some rules for the relationship they've opened up after 7 years of marriage...they can fuck who they like, but the other person doesn't want to know who it is, just when it happens. Safe sex is mandatory. No 'going out' with that other person in a romantic sense in public; keep it friendship in public. Again, this couple isn't interested in having sex with others together.

Both interesting arrangements.

i was unaware that i was in one once

i was unaware that i was in one once

I think in order for it to be an open relationship, and not just cheating...then the people in the primary relationship need to have actually agreed to be open.

Also, I distinguish 'open relationships' from 'polyamory' because generally in an open relationship, there are primary partners, and the secondaries or whatever, rather than a situation where a person might really love more than one or two people. Then again, the definitions, as they so often do, can blend depending on the particular relationship in question, so I don't suggest that the two are mutually exclusive.

I think in order for it to be an open relationship, and not just cheating...then the people in the primary relationship need to have actually agreed to be open.

ah, but it was at least somewhat hinged on a conversation that had been had some time before. or rather, that's how the cheating was justified when i figured it out.

I'll be open and confess that I'm not in a relationship.

:P

I'm okay with things being open in the early stages of a relationship, although it's not my ideal, seeing as I'm fairly paranoid about being left for someone "better" already. (Thanks for that complex, jackass ex!) It's certainly vastly preferable to just having your partner cheat on you, though.

As for my rules - well, this probably isn't the best venue for me to discuss them in at the moment. :tongue:

ah, but it was at least somewhat hinged on a conversation that had been had some time before. or rather, that's how the cheating was justified when i figured it out.

Ouch. A sort of 'hmmm, I wonder what it'd be life if we...' and then a 'yeah, I wonder' and then nothing...later saying 'oh I thought we agreed...?'

Yikes.

The thing is, I think that monogamy is a default position, not really one that people choose consciously. That to me, is a problem. I think it SHOULD be a decision made consciously, not simply assumed. I know plenty of people who are fine with being monogamous...but they've actually thought about it, and talked about it. More and more it seems that people are having these conversations, and I think overall that's a really positive thing.

Nonetheless, hinted at possibilities followed up on without making sure that things have been clarified...not cool. In one sense, I think that monogamy is a good default, sort of like 'if you're not sure, don't fuck around'.

I think open relationships can work, and the only thing I'd really expect would be honesty.

they can fuck who they like, but the other person doesn't want to know who it is, just when it happens. Safe sex is mandatory. No 'going out' with that other person in a romantic sense in public; keep it friendship in public.Something like that would work for me.

I'm okay with things being open in the early stages of a relationship, although it's not my ideal, seeing as I'm fairly paranoid about being left for someone "better" already. (Thanks for that complex, jackass ex!) It's certainly vastly preferable to just having your partner cheat on you, though.

I don't know anyone who doesn't have those fears, to be honest. I have them all the time. But because I really love my partner, I take the position that even though it would suck so horribly for me if he found someone else that he loved more than me, well...I wouldn't want to hold him to me just because I need him, and I do actually want him to be happy even if that means he's not with me. It's a risk, it's not something I like thinking about, but it's there, and it's somewhat easier to deal with when I take it out and really look at it hard. Then, when I get that horrible feeling of insecurity, I can deal with it.

Also, when I know that he is free to be with whomever he chooses...and he continues to choose to come back to me, well, that's a bit of an ego boost really. Compared to being in a relationship where monogamy is simply assumed. I know for sure that he wants to be with me. If that changes, well it changes. I'm going to enjoy it while I can, and I think that regardless of the kind of relationship you have, it's the best position to take. You never know what can happen down the road...no point in letting that worry you too much.

As for my rules - well, this probably isn't the best venue for me to discuss them in at the moment. :tongue:

Hahahha, not those kinds of rules, silly. More like, if your relationship were to be open, what would you be okay with, what would you expect, and what would be verboten?

Not my cup of tea, at least at this time. Although I do enjoy fiction that contains that kind of relationship, I've written using that idea. I am open to the idea that it would work. To each their own as long as no one is hurt and everyone consents.

Ouch. A sort of 'hmmm, I wonder what it'd be life if we...' and then a 'yeah, I wonder' and then nothing...later saying 'oh I thought we agreed...?'

Yikes.

yeah. though i don't think she really believed it. it was just a convenient place to try to defend her bullshit from.

It's probably a function of my age, but I don't think open relationships can work for very long.

I once went out with a man who told me he was in an open relationship. I later met his wife who, it seems, was unaware of the "openness" of their relationship.

Other open relationships I knew of, seemed to be one sided - usually she was getting quite a bit of "attention," and he was, throught no choice of his own, monogamous.

I suppose if the couple is emotionally stable, it might work, but I see the possibility of a lot of hurt feelings and envy.

I think open relationships can work but aren't such a great idea. If your really in love with someone then you're not gonna to want to share.

Openness is also a matter of degree. I'm fine with the occasional threesome but IMHO unless both parties are involved it's going to lead to problems down the road.

It's probably a function of my age, but I don't think open relationships can work for very long. Well, I know of a few people who have had fairly long term open relationships, but so far, the longest one I had lasted a year....but I had like an 11 year 'break' in there with a one-sided monogamous relationship so who knows how it'll go:)

I once went out with a man who told me he was in an open relationship. I later met his wife who, it seems, was unaware of the "openness" of their relationship. Yeah. I've met people like that. They make me want to smash them. Or the ones who sort of 'force' the open relationship thing, and their partner just does it to keep them. It honestly has to be consensual and wanted on both sides, IMO.

Other open relationships I knew of, seemed to be one sided - usually she was getting quite a bit of "attention," and he was, throught no choice of his own, monogamous. Also problematic, I think, unless the one partner just really has a low sex drive and is okay with it. Again, often these situations are more about one partner getting his or her kicks and the other one just going along to keep the relationship going.

I suppose if the couple is emotionally stable, it might work, but I see the possibility of a lot of hurt feelings and envy.
For sure...but I think those things can happen even in a monogamous relationship...the worst hurt feelings and envy I've experienced were when I was monogamous.

What one woman said to me is that you need to just accept you're going to get jealous...and talk about it with your partner, so you can both deal with it.

I fail for not seeing that the poll was multiple choice...

I'd also fail at having an open relationship. I get wayyyy too emotionally attached in a clingy/jealous way. I'm not usually clingy or jealous but I'd totally become it the moment he'd express interest to sleep with someone else.

I think open relationships can work but aren't such a great idea. If your really in love with someone then you're not gonna to want to share.

I have a problem with that statement. First, it assumes that if you are willing to ‘share’ then you don’t really love the person. I’m not saying you’re making that assumption, but it’s a really common one. Second, I’d like to examine the idea of ‘sharing’. Is it okay for your partner to have really close friends? Isn’t that sharing? Strong emotional connections with people who aren’t you? What is it about rubbing your genitals together that is so much more intimate or problematic than having a friend you tell your deepest, darkest secrets to?

If you're in any sort of healthy relationship, you're going to give your partner a certain amount of space, in their work, with friends, for their hobbies/interests. Cooping them up and keeping them all for you is not loving...it's possessive, controlling, and in my opinion, deeply unhealthy.

I'm not saying that the natural extension of that is to let your partner fuck other people...that needs to be negotiated and discussed. But the fact is, you do not own your partner, just as he or she does not own you, and I do no think it is a sign of love if you behave as though you do.

Well, unless that's your thing.

Openness is also a matter of degree. I'm fine with the occasional threesome but IMHO unless both parties are involved it's going to lead to problems down the road.
And that's another common arrangement I've come across...couples who are NOT okay with their partner seeing someone privately, but don't mind fucking people together.

Also, when I know that he is free to be with whomever he chooses...and he continues to choose to come back to me, well, that's a bit of an ego boost really. Compared to being in a relationship where monogamy is simply assumed. I know for sure that he wants to be with me.
That certainly makes sense. I just think my fragile little ego couldn't even deal with him wanting to sex someone else temporarily. I already have to know that he *wants* to be with me and it's not just assumed even without other people coming into the mix. Maybe it's just insecurity. Probably.

I'd also fail at having an open relationship. I get wayyyy too emotionally attached in a clingy/jealous way. I'm not usually clingy or jealous but I'd totally become it the moment he'd express interest to sleep with someone else.I think I'd be OK with an open relationship, because I'm not clingy. Maybe I'm too trusting. Meh.

I fail for not seeing that the poll was multiple choice...

I'd also fail at having an open relationship. I get wayyyy too emotionally attached in a clingy/jealous way. I'm not usually clingy or jealous but I'd totally become it the moment he'd express interest to sleep with someone else.

Yeah, I can understand that. I mean, I like fucking women, so I really enjoy ogling women with him, or imagining us fucking a woman together. I wouldn't really be cool with hearing too much about how awesome some other chick is if the context is him fucking her alone. I mean...I'm fine with him doing it, I just don't necessarily want details that are going to make me go through that whole inadequacy rollercoaster.

But I have to admit...and I've heard this even from chicks who wouldn't be okay with their man fucking someone else...that when other women find my partner attractive, it's a bit of a turn on. Okay well for me it's a lot of a turn on. Something about it...like, yes yes, what a sexpot!

I doubt I'll ever be 100% totally cool and fine with it 100% of the time, never having to reexamine my feelings again...but I can definitely say that I'd rather we both had that freedom, than go through the horrible turmoil of wanting something, but being denied it absolutely.

I dont think I could handle an open relationship...Im not the jealous type or anything...

But the thought of me not being 'Good Enough' for her so to speak, would just blight whatever relationship was actually there...

You know, its like, If Im not meeting whatever needs she has, then I dont feel like I should be with her...


On the other hand, its kind of a Moot Point at the moment, for easily discernible reasons :$ lol....

That certainly makes sense. I just think my fragile little ego couldn't even deal with him wanting to sex someone else temporarily. I already have to know that he *wants* to be with me and it's not just assumed even without other people coming into the mix. Maybe it's just insecurity. Probably.

I don't know about that fragile little ego thing. I don't think I have a really rock solid ego...especially not coming out of a pretty abusive relationship where I got to experience someone constantly harping on all my inadequacies to an extreme extent...

I don't think it would necessarily help my ego to have someone who only ever wanted to fuck me. That's not really what makes me feel good about myself. Even though my ex cheated, he really only wanted to be in a relationship with me, and that certainly didn't make me feel any better.

Being trusted, given honesty, and yes, those constant loving reassurances...that helps my ego a hell of a lot more than monogamy. I also constantly have to remind myself of my own reactions to sleeping with other people. Never does it mean I love my primary partner less...far from it! If there's something I'm doing, that I would not be okay with him doing...then I don't continue. Otherwise, I'm not about to get into double standards.

So if you really wouldn't be okay with you sleeping around, then I see no problem with you not being okay with him sleeping around, and so on. But I really don't think any of us in open relationships have such amazing self-esteem that we can just naturally handle what others cannot.

Open relationships fall victim to the law of supply and demand. The extra supply of lovers diminishes their individual value. It's the same way with having lots of friends or indeed, lots of family members. Although admittedly the last you don't really have control over.

Open relationships fall victim to the law of supply and demand. The extra supply of lovers diminishes their individual value. It's the same way with having lots of friends or indeed, lots of family members. Although admittedly the last you don't really have control over.

So this is How Adam Smith picked up on women! :p

Hahahha, not those kinds of rules, silly. More like, if your relationship were to be open, what would you be okay with, what would you expect, and what would be verboten?

Haha, that's actually what I meant, although your interpretation made me giggle. I just meant that...well, some discussions are best had personally and thoroughly BEFORE you have them on an internet forum, ya know? ;)

I dont think I could handle an open relationship...Im not the jealous type or anything...

But the thought of me not being 'Good Enough' for her so to speak, would just blight whatever relationship was actually there...

I don't think it's about not being 'good enough', I mean hopefully...if a couple is having bad sex, they'll work on that rather than just outsource. I just think most people get the urge every once in a while to have some really rabid sex with someone new.

But the fact is, you do not own your partner, just as he or she does not own you, and I do no think it is a sign of love if you behave as though you do.

...but...but... :(

Well, unless that's your thing.

Ah, that's better. ;)

Open relationships fall victim to the law of supply and demand. The extra supply of lovers diminishes their individual value. It's the same way with having lots of friends or indeed, lots of family members. Although admittedly the last you don't really have control over.

I would argue that having lots of friends can strengthen the individual value of each, it's not a finite offering.

Despite having no rational reason against, I'm not sure I would function in an open relationship, I suspect I'd use it as an excuse to avoid the actual relationship aspect.

I think they can work. But I couldn't do it myself because of a minor personal issue.

Haha, that's actually what I meant, although your interpretation made me giggle. I just meant that...well, some discussions are best had personally and thoroughly BEFORE you have them on an internet forum, ya know? ;) Fair enough, though I was speaking in the hypothetical, I can nonetheless understand how indulging in the hypothetical may be...impractical at this time :)

...but...but... :(


Ah, that's better. ;) Oh you had to have known I'd cover that base:D

I think they can work. But I couldn't do it myself because of a minor personal issue.

The condom allergy, n'est pas?

Nothing wrong with being more choosy and making sure your extra partners are on birth control AND tested regularly for STIs.

The condom allergy, n'est pas?

Nothing wrong with being more choosy and making sure your extra partners are on birth control AND tested regularly for STIs.

Been determined its an issue with trapped moisture from my sweat, but yeah pretty much that.

Fair enough, though I was speaking in the hypothetical, I can nonetheless understand how indulging in the hypothetical may be...impractical at this time :)


Everything I indulge in is hypothetical, not sure if that's supposed to be a good thing though :.

I have a problem with that statement.
*snip*

I meant no offense. What I meant was that I think that *most people* are fine with open relationships until they meet someone whom they'd like to settle down with.


And that's another common arrangement I've come across...couples who are NOT okay with their partner seeing someone privately, but don't mind fucking people together.

Well for myself, not on a regular basis. Too stressful, too much jealousy, and it's not really fair to the third person ... They have feelings too.

I meant no offense. What I meant was that I think that *most people* are fine with open relationships until they meet someone whom they'd like to settle down with. I assumed you meant no offence...I just wanted to explain why I thought it was a problematic statement, and explore some of the assumptions people often make.



Well for myself, not on a regular basis. Too stressful, too much jealousy, and it's not really fair to the third person ... They have feelings too.
Excellent point, the third person(s)! That's actually been more difficult than I expected, to be honest. I've have two people now tell me they couldn't handle it, because they wanted more of a relationship than just casual sex, or even friendship with casual sex. Fair enough, though I'll admit I was disappointed. I think it would be pretty hard to be in that situation. Less people are actually in NSA sex than I assumed it seems. I mean...less normal, non-slimy people.

... NSA sex than I assumed it seems. I mean...less normal, non-slimy people.

Well NSA people are all mathematicians and cryptographers so it makes sense that they'r abnormal and don't bathe. :p

Seriously though I've had some - but It gets old. I'd rather just have passionate kinky sex with one person that I love than mediocre - just gettin' to know each-other sex with a half dozen people.

On the other hand I like to keep my options open. I do see some pretty fine lookin' women on a daily basis :p But for now - in my relationship standing rules are no sex outside the relationship until we both agree otherwise and I'm happy with that.

But whatever works for you. Even if it doesn't work for you - you can still have fun finding that out ;)

I have no real life experience dealing with open relationships,
let alone normal relationships.
What with being a virgin and all.

I also suffer from the same affliction as SaintB,
which could complicate matter further in the future.

Nevertheless, I shall attempt to explain why I would not find such an arrangement positive for me.

First of all, it seems to deal much more with lust than love,
which would be ok if not for the fact that one are in a love relationship.
That would say to me that my partner do not really love me.
They only care for me a bit more than all the other lust/sex toys they seek out and pleasure themselves with.
Or that living with me might be more convenient financially right now,
and they are just waiting for better times to leave me.

What I seek in a relationship is love,
and that, to me, somewhat requires exclusiveness.
I would have no problem with experimenting with sex of course,
even threesomes and such.
As long a we share those things together.

But open relationships could work until you feel it is time to settle down.

I have no real life experience dealing with open relationships,
let alone normal relationships.
What with being a virgin and all.
I've heard you can have relationships without sex. No personal experience.

Open relationships don't work.

Settling down as a permanent thing is a myth.

At best, I've seen it last 10 years before the people involved realise that they aren't dead.

Settling down as a permanent thing is a myth.

At best, I've seen it last 10 years before the people involved realise that they aren't dead.

Yikes. My parents have been together 30 years. And I don't suppose I'd know if they had any affairs, but those things never last without someone finding out and neither of them seem like the forgive and forget type so...

I couldn't be in a open relationship because it would not work for me. Too many complicated issues. I think I am a monogamous kind of guy. Straight shooter, no cheating etc.

Yikes. My parents have been together 30 years. And I don't suppose I'd know if they had any affairs, but those things never last without someone finding out and neither of them seem like the forgive and forget type so...

What I meant was, the idea that people just naturally only want to have sex with one other person for the rest of their lives...that this 'settling down' is a maturing progression...is somewhat misguided. Sure, couples will have been together for ages...but I'm fairly certain, having heard this from older folks, that they would have liked a little hanky panky if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

What I meant was, the idea that people just naturally only want to have sex with one other person for the rest of their lives...that this 'settling down' is a maturing progression...is somewhat misguided. Sure, couples will have been together for ages...but I'm fairly certain, having heard this from older folks, that they would have liked a little hanky panky if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

Oh absolutely, I couldn't agree more. That's much clearer.

Settling down as a permanent thing is a myth.

At best, I've seen it last 10 years before the people involved realise that they aren't dead.

No it's not a myth... just a statistical anomaly. Besides as long as you can talk to your partner about whats on your mind there is no need for secrets, affairs or any BS like that.

Settling down as a permanent thing is a myth.

Quite so.
At least often enough today.
Whether it has to do with a more free society than yesteryear,
or a more shallower one is debatable.

If I say that "when one is ready to try" then?

...a little hanky panky if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

I doubt many women can out hanky panky the one I'm presently hanky pankying about with and she seem pretty happy to hanyk panky about with me. :) So I don't think there is any reason for sex with one person to become monotonous. You just have to be willing to experiment in ways that would scare the shit out of most people :p

Settling down as a permanent thing is a myth.

At best, I've seen it last 10 years before the people involved realise that they aren't dead.

On this, I must disagree. My paternal grandparents were married for sixty years, and when my father was helping his father clean their house after my grandmother passed away, he and his siblings found half a dozen notes she'd hidden for her husband before she went into the hospital the last time, saying things like, "I'd like to get you on a slow boat to anywhere." No one who ever met them could have doubted that they loved each other immensely and permanently, or that they had no romantic interest in anyone else. Such relationships may not be the norm, but they definitely exist.

What I meant was, the idea that people just naturally only want to have sex with one other person for the rest of their lives...that this 'settling down' is a maturing progression...is somewhat misguided. Sure, couples will have been together for ages...but I'm fairly certain, having heard this from older folks, that they would have liked a little hanky panky if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

Ah, didn't see this before I posted. In that case, I still disagree, but somewhat differently. I do not think that everyone just naturally "settles down" into monogamy. I do think - heck, I do know - that some people naturally prefer monogamy, and I have no reason to believe such people are any more likely to "settle down" into wanting multiple partners than poly people are to "settle down" into not wanting them.

Ah, didn't see this before I posted. In that case, I still disagree, but somewhat differently. I do not think that everyone just naturally "settles down" into monogamy. I do think - heck, I do know - that some people naturally prefer monogamy, and I have no reason to believe such people are any more likely to "settle down" into wanting multiple partners than poly people are to "settle down" into not wanting them.

In which case I don't think we really disagree. I believe that some people really want, and thrive in, monogamous relationships. I just get annoyed with the suggestion that not wanting monogamy is something you'll 'grow out of', like left leaning political tendencies (HELLO!? I'm more left wing than I ever was thank you very much) and masturbation. Or something.

In which case I don't think we really disagree. I believe that some people really want, and thrive in, monogamous relationships. I just get annoyed with the suggestion that not wanting monogamy is something you'll 'grow out of', like left leaning political tendencies (HELLO!? I'm more left wing than I ever was thank you very much) and masturbation. Or something.

Then we pretty much agree. (I do suspect some people "grow out" of wanting to screw lots of people, but I think that happens much more at the "ceasing to be a desperately horny teenager" phase than the "falling in love" phase. :p )

Then we pretty much agree. (I do suspect some people "grow out" of wanting to screw lots of people, but I think that happens much more at the "ceasing to be a desperately horny teenager" phase than the "falling in love" phase. :p )

Different strokes for different folks...or lashes, whatever...point being, when it comes to relationships, there really isn't much point in relying on generalisations. Doing that means you end up really unprepared for your new husband's crossdressing*.





*real story, girl I know (and dislike)

Different strokes for different folks...or lashes, whatever...point being, when it comes to relationships, there really isn't much point in relying on generalisations. Doing that means you end up really unprepared for your new husband's crossdressing*.





*real story, girl I know (and dislike)

Hehe, indeed. :)

open relationships rarely work. the chemicals in your brain simulate the love emotion. then there is always jealously issue especially with hetro couples.
the female normally fings it easier to get flings.
the male ends up playing the I care about you card more to get flings.

Coincidence? No. All your friends have you as a common factor, after all. :p

I suppose open relationships are possible, but I've never seen one that worked, or that didn't end terribly. As for myself, if I'm with a girl, there's only one bed her boots are under, and that's mine. She wants to play the field, she can do it by herself.

I wonder...is this becoming more common? Or is it just coincidence that I seem to know so many people now who are in non-monogamous relationships? Whether it's het, bi or gay couples, there seem to be a lot more people who have or at least are admitting to having non-monogamous relationships. What I've found is that almost everyone has a different set of 'rules' for how their relationship works. Honesty appears to be the central tenant, but logistical issues vary greatly.

So, have you, would you, do you, and if the answer is yes to any of those, what are [would be] your 'rules'? What are your thoughts on open relationships in general (i.e., how would you define them, how do they make you feel etc)?

Have been, and currently am. I love it.
I'm not sure if I would have much of a problem to be in an exclusive relationship overall, but I somehow I think I wouldn't enjoy it nearly this much.
Our rules are that there will be no cheating, meaning that we will tell each other if either met someone else (we both enjoy hearing about it, after all), and that care has to be taken to avoid serious feelings for others. Safe sex goes without saying. Only my BF gets anal, none of my fuckbuddies. Our relationship is about love, sex with others is about sex.

I do think they can work (3 years and still going strong), if both partners are ok with it. The failure rates can't be much higher than those in exclusive relationships, after all.

Open relationships are deviant and contrary to the sexual norms of the civilized world. The sole purpose of sex is to have children, and the best environment for children to be brought up in is a stable and clearly defined family unit with two clearly defined authority figures, one of each sex. From this we can conclude that open relationships are highly disfunctional, and thus need to be legally prohibited to avoid the downfall and destruction of mankind.

I do think open relationships can work. But it takes a lot of honesty and maturity for them to actually be fulfilling. I would like to be in one, but my current partner, I'm sure, wouldn't like that.

I think open relationships can work, but I don't think they'd work for me.
I think it's partially because in order for relationships to work, they require major sacrifices, and giving up sex with others is a major sacrifice. (I can't think of anything else that's quite as significant.) If someone isn't willing to make sacrifices for the relationship, are they really committed to it?
Nonetheless, I've said that I believe open relationships can work, because other people would likely have other ideas about what constitutes a major sacrifice for the sake of their relationships, and act accordingly.

Yes, I think open relationships can work.

Yes, I think they can be a great blessing for those with whom they do.

Yes, I've been in one.

Yes, it sucked massively.

Yes, I'm aware that was mostly due to emotional factors on my part.

Yes, I think one day I'd love to try again - but I am still far, far away from the emotional make-up I need for that, and for this while, strict monogamy is perfectly fine and a very fulfilling idea.

Yes, I think one day I'd love to try again

So, how you doi --

- but I am still far, far away from the emotional make-up I need for that, and for this while, strict monogamy is perfectly fine and a very fulfilling idea.

Damn

So, how you doi --



Damn

No worries. Wait a few more days and I'll not be in a relationship anymore, so you can have what you want and not need me to be an ORT (open-relationship type).

No worries. Wait a few more days and I'll not be in a relationship anymore, so you can have what you want and not need me to be an ORT (open-relationship type).

sweet.

And you should be on MSN moar.

sweet.

And you should be on MSN moar.

Nope. MSN sucks brass monkey balls, and I will only go on the webservice if there's no other way.

Nope. MSN sucks brass monkey balls, and I will only go on the webservice if there's no other way.

well..then..you know...do that. Or things will happen....bad things.

Coincidence? No. All your friends have you as a common factor, after all. :p

What are you insinuating :D

I think open relationships can work for some people, but not for me. If she's doing someone else, then it's over.

I think open relationships can work, but I don't think they'd work for me.
I think it's partially because in order for relationships to work, they require major sacrifices, and giving up sex with others is a major sacrifice. (I can't think of anything else that's quite as significant.) If someone isn't willing to make sacrifices for the relationship, are they really committed to it?
Nonetheless, I've said that I believe open relationships can work, because other people would likely have other ideas about what constitutes a major sacrifice for the sake of their relationships, and act accordingly.
I love you Jello:)

I'm not convinced that in order for relationships to work that major sacrifice is required. Why should you have to give something up to be with someone?

I don't see myself giving up anything to be with GoG. Far from it...it's a wonderful gain...it's an addition, not a subtraction. There will things that will be a bit difficult (my god, we're going to have four giggling girls around!), but I don't see that as sacrifice.

I don't expect him to compromise any of his goals or desires or expectations in order to be with me. To the contrary...I want to be able to provide him with some kind of support to be able to pursue those things. Maybe that's the sacrifice? But it's quid pro quo...I'm not giving up something in doing that.

I love you Jello:)

I'm not convinced that in order for relationships to work that major sacrifice is required. Why should you have to give something up to be with someone?

I don't see myself giving up anything to be with GoG. Far from it...it's a wonderful gain...it's an addition, not a subtraction. There will things that will be a bit difficult (my god, we're going to have four giggling girls around!), but I don't see that as sacrifice.

I don't expect him to compromise any of his goals or desires or expectations in order to be with me. To the contrary...I want to be able to provide him with some kind of support to be able to pursue those things. Maybe that's the sacrifice? But it's quid pro quo...I'm not giving up something in doing that.

*shrug* I dunno, but it does seem that in a relationship you do have to make certian sacrifices, even if that is just not slagging off his drunken mum, coz although you can't see why, he still loves her, for example.

*shrug* I dunno, but it does seem that in a relationship you do have to make certian sacrifices, even if that is just not slagging off his drunken mum, coz although you can't see why, he still loves her, for example.

Well, yes, you have to take the good with the bad, basically. You have to put up with certain characteristics of your SO that you don't really like, and then there's family and friends... lots of opportunity for friction right there, and in the interest of the relationship you have to compromise.
But why both should make a sacrifice neither want to make and without reason I don't really see.

*shrug* I dunno, but it does seem that in a relationship you do have to make certian sacrifices, even if that is just not slagging off his drunken mum, coz although you can't see why, he still loves her, for example.

Unless you never want to have friends, these are things you avoid doing as a matter of course...it's not as though you get into an open relationship and say 'oh wow, I don't need to sacrifice, so I'm going to diss his/her family!'

Well, yes, you have to take the good with the bad, basically. You have to put up with certain characteristics of your SO that you don't really like, and then there's family and friends... lots of opportunity for friction right there, and in the interest of the relationship you have to compromise.
But why both should make a sacrifice neither want to make and without reason I don't really see.

I don't think what Jello is talking about is a matter of "sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice," but rather "sacrifice for the sake of demonstrating that you're actually willing to make sacrifices for each other." The thing is, any serious long-term relationship will tend to involve some fairly major sacrifices - things like "we will live in Canada, because that is where your family is, even though my family is in the US," or "I will work a job I don't really like for the next few years, because that way you can go to grad school" or "I will stay home with the kids, even though I really like my job, because yours pays better and it is important to us that one parent stay home," or "I will convert to your religion, because it really matters to you that I do so," and so on and so on. If one partner is unwilling to make any such sacrifices, the relationship isn't likely to do very well.

I'm not saying that means everyone should be monogamous to prove they can or something, obviously, but if it is important to one partner in a serious relationship and the other is unwilling to make that sacrifice for them, it seems fairly indicative that they might be unlikely to make sacrifices in general.

I've never been in a relationship of any sort. Not my thing. I like to sleep around.

I don't think what Jello is talking about is a matter of "sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice," but rather "sacrifice for the sake of demonstrating that you're actually willing to make sacrifices for each other." The thing is, any serious long-term relationship will tend to involve some fairly major sacrifices - things like "we will live in Canada, because that is where your family is, even though my family is in the US," or "I will work a job I don't really like for the next few years, because that way you can go to grad school" or "I will stay home with the kids, even though I really like my job, because yours pays better and it is important to us that one parent stay home," or "I will convert to your religion, because it really matters to you that I do so," and so on and so on. If one partner is unwilling to make any such sacrifices, the relationship isn't likely to do very well.

I'm not saying that means everyone should be monogamous to prove they can or something, obviously, but if it is important to one partner in a serious relationship and the other is unwilling to make that sacrifice for them, it seems fairly indicative that they might be unlikely to make sacrifices in general.Yes, exactly.
*steals Poli's eloquence*

Well, I have still to be in a relationship.

well..then..you know...do that. Or things will happen....bad things.

Uuiuiuiui, now I'm scared. So, what was the bad thing that has happened? The tangerine I ate having been so tasty? Having found that document I thought I had lost? Having caught the tram just in time - twice? The boyfriend just having come home - oh, bummer, I knew there'd been a catch to my thoughts.

;P

I couldnt do an open relationship if it was serious. If its purely physical or we're just "dating" I can and have done it, and it worked ok. But if it was a serious relationship, I dont think I could. I get jealous and have some insecurity issues that would probably surface.


If people can do them and it makes them happy, more power to them. As long as everyone involved is ok with it being such, I see no problem.

There is something that I have wanted to ask about these so-called 'open' relationships: what, really, is the difference between having an 'open' relationship with someone and having a very good friend you care about a lot and whom you sometimes sleep with? I mean, what is a 'relationship' in this context, if it's not about being exclusive with someone?

Apart from that, I don't think I could do it. My personality is too jealous. But then, I have not yet been into a relationship, so I guess I cannot know for sure.

There is something that I have wanted to ask about these so-called 'open' relationships: what, really, is the difference between having an 'open' relationship with someone and having a very good friend you care about a lot and whom you sometimes sleep with? I mean, what is a 'relationship' in this context, if it's not about being exclusive with someone?

Apart from that, I don't think I could do it. My personality is too jealous. But then, I have not yet been into a relationship, so I guess I cannot know for sure.

Are you trying to say the only difference between a friendship and a relationship, to you, is sex? Wow.

To me, a relationship is about a living life together, building a life if you like. A relationship runs deeper than mere friendship, sex is only one aspect of it.

I'm in an open relationship, and after 13 years together with my husband we're still going strong! And our relationship has been open for as long as we've been together.

An open relationship isn't anything special. All it takes to make it work is exactly the same stuff that a closed relationship takes to make it work. Communication; expressing your wants, needs, desires, boundaries, etc.; listening to the same from your partner; and co-operation in finding a solution that both can agree to that takes what's been expressed into account.

My partner and I talked quite a bit about things when we first started seeing each other, and over the years we've revisited things to see if how we were doing it still worked. Where it wasn't we made adjustments. Having sex outside our relationship was just another topic to discuss.

Of course, having similar ideas about "sex as fun" helped us out. Neither one of us found the need to equate sex with love, nor did we need to equate sexual monogamy with emotional monogamy that we found appropriate to our relationship. That I go off and bump nasties with someone else doesn't threaten in my hubby's head my feelings for him. Nor do I let my extra-curricular activities confuse me about my feelings for my hubby.

That he might go out and play around isn't any kind of an issue for me. It would be if I were to discover he lied about it, violated the rules we have established and agreed to, or did other things along those lines. But then I'd be angry because he didn't share his problems with me, broke my trust or whatnot. That it happened via sex with another person isn't important at that point. It wouldn't be any different for me if he was lying about where he's spending the house-hold money at.

And we've got a lot of friends that have similar situations in their relationships.

So: yes. Open relationships can work - if those involved do the work to let it. But then, that goes for any relationship.

There is something that I have wanted to ask about these so-called 'open' relationships: what, really, is the difference between having an 'open' relationship with someone and having a very good friend you care about a lot and whom you sometimes sleep with? I mean, what is a 'relationship' in this context, if it's not about being exclusive with someone? I echo Cabra's sentiments. If sex is to you what defines a relationship, then I find that very odd. My feelings for my partner run as deep as my feelings for my best and closest friends, but I don't want to live with my best and closest friends.

"Open relationships" and "going to the Chapel" seem to contradict each other a bit....don't they?

Fpr that reason, my partner and I have avoided chapels....

"Open relationships" and "going to the Chapel" seem to contradict each other a bit....don't they? I don't see how. There is no law preventing non-monogamous partners from marrying.

I don't want to marry all the people I fuck.

I don't see how. There is no law preventing non-monogamous partners from marrying.

I think it's the CHAPEL part of it, not so much the "marrying" part.

I think it's the CHAPEL part of it, not so much the "marrying" part.
It's from a song, and I stated in the OP it would never be in a chapel.

Pedant.

I have to admit though, every once in a while I get the strong urge to be monogamous. It's not something I'd ask my partner to do...but I haven't totally rejected the idea of it for myself.

It's from a song, and I stated in the OP it would never be in a chapel.

Pendant.

......what's he hanging from? ;)

......what's he hanging from? ;)

Oh no, I'm starting to spell like Neo Art....that's how exhausted these four little girls have made me.

Oh no, I'm starting to spell like Neo Art....that's how exhausted these four little girls have made me.

Hehe. You made the joke I thought. It's good, 'cause you can get away with it. ;)

Hehe. You made the joke I thought. It's good, 'cause you can get away with it. ;)

yeah, she can...

yeah, she can...

You realised I'd have to stop mocking you if you learned how to spell...