NationStates Jolt Archive

So we've all said things in anger that we didn't mean, or that we later regret. However, how many of us actually said things in anger, and mean them? I have a few times, God knows it pisses the people off when I don't apologize. However, the way I see it, I meant what I said, and I stand by it, why should I apologize?

Discuss.

you can apologize for losing your temper, or saying something that you shouldnt have said even if it is true. you can apologize for saying it at the wrong time or in a cruel manner.

you can apologize for being a judgemental asshole.

there are lots of things to apologize for even if what you said was true.

If you mean it there is no reason to apologize. If you don't mean it, then there is no reason to say it. When your inhibitions are down (as they are when you are angry) then you say what you truly think/feel. No apologies are needed, nor should they be believed.

However, the way I see it, I meant what I said, and I stand by it, why should I apologize? I don't apologize for what I say, I just learn from my mistakes.

I never apologize for anything I say. I've been living by this policy for quite a while.

I figure, if I really didn't mean it, I wouldn't have said it, even in a fit of irrational anger.

apologize because you don't want to hurt peoples feelings and even if its true shouting at people isn't really kosher is it?

ITT aspergers syndrome

I never apologize for anything I say. I've been living by this policy for quite a while.

I figure, if I really didn't mean it, I wouldn't have said it, even in a fit of irrational anger.

I dunno . . .i have definitely said things I didn't mean irrational anger or not.

I dunno . . .i have definitely said things I didn't mean irrational anger or not.I'll admit I've said things I didn't mean to say, however I believe if I really cared, it wouldn't have slipped out even during a heated argument or something like that.

Most of the things I say in anger, I mean--I just don't mean to say aloud. Most of the terrible ones have been directed at my father, and I meant all of them, it just took blind anger to drive me to a place where I could say them.

I think people "mean" things they say in anger more often than not. Occasionally, in really bad fights, you say something just because you know it will hurt the other person. However, I don't really buy it when someone, say, makes a racist/sexist/homophobic comment in anger and then claims they "didn't really mean it", that it "just came out". If that's what comes to mind when you're angry, it's obviously in your mind already.

My daughter has said things in anger and then come back later and "apologised." The apology taking the form of "I'm sorry I overreacted, but you...." I'd rather not have the apology, thank you. Just move on.

saying things in anger is dicey. meaning them is idiotic. UNLESS, they've been thoroughly thought out objectively and passionlessly FIRST. then its a matter of accepting the potential consequences of one's convictions. (which is of course, the whole point of having convictions, as well as the test of them)

I've apologized for actions before, but I don't as a general rule apologize for what I say.

Sometimes there are times when you should really keep your mouth shut. And when you fail to keep your mouth shut when you should keep it shut and you're not the one who gets hurt, an apology is needed.

I've had quite the history of vitriolic outbursts...and to be honest 90% of the time I mean it. There's always been substantial provocation. I can sometimes go a bit far, perhaps, but if you keep pushing when its quite clear you're being insensitive and plain out of order, I reckons you deserves what ye gets, even if that involves your eardrums exploding from a ten-minute shouted critique of your entire personality.

I never apologize for anything I say. I've been living by this policy for quite a while.

I figure, if I really didn't mean it, I wouldn't have said it, even in a fit of irrational anger.

That's been my policy my whole life, as the thought to apologise never even occured to me.

I think there is a difference between apologising and explaining why you said something. I try to come back to the heated argument and say
"Look, when I called you a a**hole what I really meant was to say was why your behaviour made me say that"
Having said that. I'm fairly non-confrontational and will tend to walk away before I say something in the heat of the moment, which is pretty cowardly on my part and often infuriates who I'm arguing with

I think there is a difference between apologising and explaining why you said something. I try to come back to the heated argument and say
"Look, when I called you a a**hole what I really meant was to say was why your behaviour made me say that"
Having said that. I'm fairly non-confrontational and will tend to walk away before I say something in the heat of the moment, which is pretty cowardly on my part and often infuriates who I'm arguing with

Quite ironic that, being non-confrontational makes them angrier.

However, how many of us actually said things in anger, and mean them?
I honestly cannot recall any such incidence. I've been blessed with a thoroughly phlegmatic nature when it comes to such things, and I cannot recall to ever have shouted or otherwise verbally gone over the top.
I have a few times, God knows it pisses the people off when I don't apologize. However, the way I see it, I meant what I said, and I stand by it, why should I apologize?

An apology is an important and very meaningful speech act, and as such ought only to be used in earnest. If you are not sorry for something, you ought not apologize.

However, usually the assessment "I am not sorry for any of the incident" isn't quite true. In this example, you might not feel sorry for the content of what you said because you think it's true. Granted. Still, you might feel that the timing when you said it was wrong, or the tone you said it in, and then you ought to feel sorry for those circumstances and apologize for them. If the other person is ready for it, they'll notice your apology didn't cover the content and inquire, if not, it's an agreement to let that rest.

It's also a false assumption to say "I meant it, so there's no reason to apologize for having said it". Saying "You're terribly ugly" unless there's a very specific reason for it might be true, but not adequate to say, and one ought to apologize for saying it.
Also, sometimes "meaning it" is what you ought to apologize for, and thus ought to apologize for saying something even if you meant it. If, for example, I make a discriminating remark about, say, Turkish people and catch it, I'll not only apologize for the remark, but also for the fact that I deep down harbor some anti-Turkish sentiments even though I wish I didn't/know that's bad.

And then there's apologizing not for what you've said, but for what it caused the other person. I do that a lot - as I said, I don't usually say anything "heatedly" so I usually mean what I said, but often enough I didn't intend it the way it was understood, or I'm sorry for the consequences. I might, for example, tell someone that I'll refuse to do university group work with them because I know them to never get things done on time if they ask me for a reason, but I will precede that with a remark that I am sorry if that makes them feel sad.

I try not to say things I know I will need to take back later. I only ever let things like that fly out, and that's super rare, with my family. Only time I can remember spitting venom was with my mom or dad, but we were close enough that we could argue stuff out. But I've had others spit shit at me and they never wanted to talk about things, like my half brother.. he said shit to me that is incomprehensible. Fuck him.

I mean with my x's we use to argue, but it wasn't anything I can remember. Sure we would get heated .. but meh. All nothing now looking back.

Also if I ever get mad enough to say hurtful shit, its the truth... I don't make up shit.

I've done it. Especially with friends and partners. I always apologize if what I said was wrong. But if it wasn't, I apologize for acting up but not for what I said.

I don't really recall a time when I was so utterly furious that I said things I didn't mean to. I guess I just don't get that pissed off.

However, how many of us actually said things in anger, and mean them?

I don't angry with people I know so much as I get frustrated at them, at which point I usually call them a dozen varieties of stupid... and I don't mean that, not really.

I have said things about myself in the passion of argument that I probably shouldn't have said, and proved unable to take back out of my honesty... but having said them unwisely once, I'm not going to say them unwisely again.

I think people "mean" things they say in anger more often than not. Occasionally, in really bad fights, you say something just because you know it will hurt the other person. However, I don't really buy it when someone, say, makes a racist/sexist/homophobic comment in anger and then claims they "didn't really mean it", that it "just came out". If that's what comes to mind when you're angry, it's obviously in your mind already.

I am sick of this argument, no it wasn't in the mind before against the person but was said either to hurt the other person because you know it would hurt them, or in a case I am having to deal with (not that it was racist/sexisy/homophobic) meant as a joke and should be taken as such considering the jokes have been said before even by the same fucking person now.

However, the way I see it, I meant what I said, and I stand by it, why should I apologize?

Because developing a functional sense of empathy and basic social skills is part of being an adult?

I dunno, just a thought.

Because developing a functional sense of empathy and basic social skills is part of being an adult?

I dunno, just a thought.

Do you apologize when you know you're absolutely in the right?

Do you apologize when you know you're absolutely in the right?

apologize for what? If I hurt someoen's feelings that I care about, of course I do. That goes back to the whole "being an adult" bit.

I only apologise if it was my fault or I overreacted or it wasn't my intention to cause hurt, otherwise I don't bother. I know it won't be sincere, and why should I do so if I wasn't wrong or my reaction was justified?

apologize for what? If I hurt someoen's feelings that I care about, of course I do. That goes back to the whole "being an adult" bit.

let's say that you and a friend are discussing something, and you take a certain position on it.

let's say that your position is absolutely, 100% correct, and you insist on standing pat on that position.

The other person, completely in the wrong, gets upset.

You're telling me you'll apologize for being right?

let's say that you and a friend are discussing something, and you take a certain position on it.

let's say that your position is absolutely, 100% correct, and you insist on standing pat on that position.

The other person, completely in the wrong, gets upset.

You're telling me you'll apologize for being right?
Only if my position was 'your Mum's dead' or something similar...

let's say that you and a friend are discussing something, and you take a certain position on it.

let's say that your position is absolutely, 100% correct, and you insist on standing pat on that position.

The other person, completely in the wrong, gets upset.

You're telling me you'll apologize for being right?

so, let's say you do stuff, and then stuff happens, and then more stuff happens. What would you do then smart guy? Huh? HUH??? Would you do stuff? Or different stuff?

I don't answer vague and undefined questions.

Only if my position was 'your Mum's dead' or something similar...

Look, your Mom was on the roof...

Look, your Mom was on the roof...
:P

No, not apolgising in the sense of saying sorry for being right, but apologising for being insensitive.

Politeness is a polite word for hypocrisy. BUT...being polite is the base of society and civilization. You should always apologize for not being polite, mean what you say.

I usually mean what I say in anger. I usually end up apologizing for being so harsh or for letting things fester to the point that I lash out at someone.

You can speak truth without being mean. Apologize for the mean parts.

Politeness is a polite word for hypocrisy.
Always?

let's say that you and a friend are discussing something, and you take a certain position on it.

let's say that your position is absolutely, 100% correct, and you insist on standing pat on that position.

The other person, completely in the wrong, gets upset.

You're telling me you'll apologize for being right?
it is also important when someone's feelings have been hurt to identify (in your own mind) who was wrong.

if your friend went apeshit over some stupid discussion, he should probably apologize to you for overreacting.

if he keeps some weird grudge (my sister in law actually did this to my husband over a discussion of the medicare drug benefit) even after he has had more than enough time to look up the facts and see that he is wrong...what do you have to apologize for? "im sorry that you are crazy"?

that said, if there is a rift between you and a friend over a stupid argument you should talk it through and perhaps start by apologizing for your debate style or something.

I am sick of this argument, no it wasn't in the mind before against the person but was said either to hurt the other person because you know it would hurt them, or in a case I am having to deal with (not that it was racist/sexisy/homophobic) meant as a joke and should be taken as such considering the jokes have been said before even by the same fucking person now.

So... you'd never thought whatever thing you said to this person, yet you knew it would hurt them to say it, and so said it?

Always?

ya :p

it is the art of saying what you want with out saying what you mean.

I'd say don't apologise for *what* you said, but you can apologise for *how* you said it.

However, I wouldn't apologise for it if you feel the person won't do what needs to be done unless you're blunt.

it is the art of saying what you want with out saying what you mean.
So would you distinguish between politeness and niceness?

So would you distinguish between politeness and niceness?

Yes. It's a matter of degrees. You can be polite with out being nice.

Yes. It's a matter of degrees. You can be polite with out being nice.
Aye, I'd certainly agree with that.

But I'd disagree that politeness is always hypocritical, that it is always ultimately self-serving.

Aye, I'd certainly agree with that.

But I'd disagree that politeness is always hypocritical, that it is always ultimately self-serving.

As I see it being nice is a sincere expression of liking a person. But when you are polite you are trying to hide your true thoughts and intentions. You cover your words with sugar because saying thins directly would surely cause an effect contrary to the one you desire.


For example instead of making a blunt argument in favor something you believe, a polite person expresses uncertainty or ambiguity. Making indirect claims, use of euphemism, use softeners to avoid being brusque, etc...

When you don't have a good level of confidence in someone you have to be polite.

Japanese are the masters of politeness. In Japanese, answering "no" is seen as impolite.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honorific_speech_in_Japanese#Polite_language

As I see it being nice is a sincere expression of liking a person. But when you are polite you are trying to hide your true thoughts and intentions. You cover your words with sugar because saying thins directly would surely cause an effect contrary to the one you desire.
But this doesn't cover all of politeness, surely.

Think of holding a door open for the person a few steps behind you, or offering your friend the last slice of cake. Sure, sometimes these kind of acts might be done out of a sense of self-contentment, but not always.

Sometimes it's nice to be polite.

But this doesn't cover all of politeness, surely.

Think of holding a door open for the person a few steps behind you, or offering your friend the last slice of cake. Sure, sometimes these kind of acts might be done out of a sense of self-contentment, but not always.

Sometimes it's nice to be polite.

When you are nice, you don't need to be polite. Politeness comes into play when you need to pretend you are nice.

I like how NS is unwilling to keep the peace (if they believe they are right that is which is 100% of the time :p)

Because developing a functional sense of empathy and basic social skills is part of being an adult?

I dunno, just a thought.

apologize for what? If I hurt someoen's feelings that I care about, of course I do. That goes back to the whole "being an adult" bit.

Yea, but see, if I apologize even though I don't actually feel sorry, and what I said is right, then wouldn't that really be just a hollow apology? Now I could apologize for the way I said it, or the circumstances that was created.

However, what I said in of itself, if I mean it, and I think I'm right, then I have nothing to apologize for.

Yea, but see, if I apologize even though I don't actually feel sorry, and what I said is right, then wouldn't that really be just a hollow apology?

See what I said earlier RE: "functional sense of empathy"

However, what I said in of itself, if I mean it, and I think I'm right, then I have nothing to apologize for.

who exactly is proposing that you should apologize for believing something? I think that would involve a more thorough analysis of what you believe, and why you believe it.

For example, if you feel that pepperoni pizza is better than sausage pizza, I don't think that's something you need apologize for, but you may wish to demonstrate that you feel sorry for your behavior if you explain that to someone by saying "Of course pepperoni is better, you stupid ****!"

Yea, but see, if I apologize even though I don't actually feel sorry, and what I said is right, then wouldn't that really be just a hollow apology? Now I could apologize for the way I said it, or the circumstances that was created.

However, what I said in of itself, if I mean it, and I think I'm right, then I have nothing to apologize for.

There are many ways to apologize with out actually apologizing.

"Mistakes were made...." (it was wrong but I'm not taking blame for it)

"I'm sorry if my words offended you..." (I don't apologize for what I said... I'm sorry that you are so stupid and tightassed that my words offended you.)

you can apologize for losing your temper, or saying something that you shouldnt have said even if it is true. you can apologize for saying it at the wrong time or in a cruel manner.

you can apologize for being a judgemental asshole.

there are lots of things to apologize for even if what you said was true.

^This.

Sometimes I'll say things in anger that I wouldn't say normally, but that are quite mean and that I do actually believe.

Of course you always apologize for these things after, and lie through your teeth when you say that you didn't mean it at all. This is part of being a functional member of society - lying when it does the most good. You have to look out for other people's feelings, not just your sense of morality and ethics.

There are many ways to apologize with out actually apologizing.

"Mistakes were made...." (it was wrong but I'm not taking blame for it)

"I'm sorry if my words offended you..." (I don't apologize for what I said... I'm sorry that you are so stupid and tightassed that my words offended you.)

Hehe I have a couple more:

"I'm sorry if my words offended you" can also mean "Maybe I could have picked a better way to phrase it, but it was still right on."

"I'm sorry if that came across the wrong way..." (If you were really paying attention you wouldn't have been offended, but now I know to dumb down my answers for you next time.)

"I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that..." (I'm expressing mock sympathy, not regret. You obviously needed to hear it.)

"I'm sorry I don't have time to sugar coat it for you..." (You're being oversensitive and it's past the point where I give a damn.)

"Forgive me if I disagree..." (I'm sarcastically telling you that I do.)

Hehe I have a couple more:

"I'm sorry if my words offended you" can also mean "Maybe I could have picked a better way to phrase it, but it was still right on."

"I'm sorry if that came across the wrong way..." (If you were really paying attention you wouldn't have been offended, but now I know to dumb down my answers for you next time.)

"I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that..." (I'm expressing mock sympathy, not regret. You obviously needed to hear it.)

"I'm sorry I don't have time to sugar coat it for you..." (You're being oversensitive and it's past the point where I give a damn.)

"Forgive me if I disagree..." (I'm sarcastically telling you that I don't.)

I use this one quite a lot.

"Clearly there was a misunderstanding..." (Yeah, on your part, idiot)

let's say that you and a friend are discussing something, and you take a certain position on it.

let's say that your position is absolutely, 100% correct, and you insist on standing pat on that position.

The other person, completely in the wrong, gets upset.

You're telling me you'll apologize for being right?

We're, per OP, not talking about disagreeing, but about saying mean things in a heated situation.

No, I'll not apologize for being right. But if I made my position clear by being mean, I'll apologize for the meanness.

"I think we started with the wrong foot..." (I didn't know what kind of idiot you were, but now I'm going to be more careful with what I say)

"If you don't mind... " (I know you mind, but I don't mind that you mind)

I use this one quite a lot.

I've used every single one of those when dealing with customers.

Apology used to mean. Explain why you said those things. It could be you hurt my feeling so I wanted to hurt yours.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remorse

Remorse is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent. If was none of those three to you you are off the hook so to speak.

So we would have to examine your reasoning.

Hehe I have a couple more:

"I'm sorry if my words offended you" can also mean "Maybe I could have picked a better way to phrase it, but it was still right on."

That is what the apology was for not implying you were wrong.


"I'm sorry if that came across the wrong way..." (If you were really paying attention you wouldn't have been offended, but now I know to dumb down my answers for you next time.)

You must have misunderstood me because I didn't say anything that was offensive. To which they will likely tell you what offend them. See previous.


"I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that..." (I'm expressing mock sympathy, not regret. You obviously needed to hear it.)

We don't want to hurt people we just want to inform them. Usually said before something that is like a kick in the groin.


"I'm sorry I don't have time to sugar coat it for you..." (You're being oversensitive and it's past the point where I give a damn.)
Implying it would be easier to swallow cyanide with a little sugar. Yes easier but doesn't mean you should. These things are generally false or a matter of opinion.


"Forgive me if I disagree..." (I'm sarcastically telling you that I do.)
Nothing to forgive it is okay to disagree. Not okay to be impolite.


Just playing around with these statements.

That is what the apology was for not implying you were wrong.



You must have misunderstood me because I didn't say anything that was offensive. To which they will likely tell you what offend them. See previous.



We don't want to hurt people we just want to inform them. Usually said before something that is like a kick in the groin.


Implying it would be easier to swallow cyanide with a little sugar. Yes easier but doesn't mean you should. These things are generally false or a matter of opinion.


Nothing to forgive it is okay to disagree. Not okay to be impolite.


Just playing around with these statements.

Ah but remember, these things are assumed to be said in anger, not a reasonable tone as is implied by your comments ;)