NationStates Jolt Archive

What would you do when your boy/girlfriend. Is holding financial problems behind your back?
What would you do when some day you find accidently a letter from a bailiff whit a warning that there going to confiscate your stuff. Stuff you have worked for. Later on he/she's mad that you take your computer to your home because you're worried.
What would you do when his relief isn't payd anymore because he doens't react on a invitation of the social security. Later he is put out of his appartment because he can't afford anymore the rent. You have to find this out by the police. You don't have acces to your stuff en he won't react anymore to your attempts to contact him. You don't know were he is en he won't pick up his phone.

What would you do?

Sit him down with a cup of tea and asked him what happened, first of all.
Then offer help, if he wants it, by accompanying him to debt counselling etc.

Either:
a) Discuss it with them, advise them to get some financial advice (as I'm in the UK, I might point them towards the local citizens advice bureau so they don't fall into the hands of one of those dodgy companies who offer to consolidate all your existing small debts into one monthly huge unpayable monthly sum). Then discuss the trust issues involving why they've decided not to tell me.

Or
b) Kill them. Emigrate to Spain, taking all my stuff with me, so it can't be confiscated when the bailiff comes round.

Eat their babies.

Wow, the economy must REALLY be in bad shape if Coco Chanel is having problems...she's been dead for almost 40 years!

call the police (or whoever confiscated his stuff) to talk about what is really yours.

find receipts for your stuff so you can prove it--many store can provide you with replacement receipts for the big stuff.

call a lawyer.

dump your boyfriend.

dump your boyfriend.

I wouldn't go that far straight away... I've known people to fall into debt and simply not being in total denial about it, a reaction stemming from ignorance and fear.
If he's willing get over his fear and get informed, there's still a good chance he can get his shit in order after all.

There's more than a little shame that happens when you're in financial trouble, and if you don't see a way out it's not something you really want to discuss, even with your girlfriend, sometimes especially with your girlfriend. You don't want to get chewed out for something that's happening to you like this, you don't want to have to calm someone else down about how bad things are for you. You're talking to, or avoiding, creditors who are abrasive and it's not a conversation you're eager to start again with someone else. You're not eager to ask for help because either you're so far in that no one can help enough without destroying their lives, or you can't figure out a way to stop these people so all you'd be doing is screwing over someone you care about instead of some business, on some level you feel you deserve this, or again, you don't want to have to hear again from someone else about how bad this is. It's horrifying, humiliating, and it's spiraling. It's a hard thing to talk about.

There's no easy way. There isn't a way to approach it without it being humiliating in some way. If you still care, you have to try somehow. But it will be painful for both of you. If you don't, protect your stuff and just be one more shitty thing that's going to happen to him.

I wouldn't go that far straight away... I've known people to fall into debt and simply not being in total denial about it, a reaction stemming from ignorance and fear.
If he's willing get over his fear and get informed, there's still a good chance he can get his shit in order after all.
nah

its best to dump him now. why keep on with a man (or woman) who has such trouble facing up to reality?

I would learn the correct way to use punctuation.

Although something in your manner of speaking makes me wonder if you are a native English speaker. If you're not: Close, but no cigar. If you are, you should be insulted that your English is bad enough that you could be mistaken for a foreign speaker.

There's more than a little shame that happens when you're in financial trouble, and if you don't see a way out it's not something you really want to discuss, even with your girlfriend, sometimes especially with your girlfriend. You don't want to get chewed out for something that's happening to you like this, you don't want to have to calm someone else down about how bad things are for you. You're talking to, or avoiding, creditors who are abrasive and it's not a conversation you're eager to start again with someone else. You're not eager to ask for help because either you're so far in that no one can help enough without destroying their lives, or you can't figure out a way to stop these people so all you'd be doing is screwing over someone you care about instead of some business, on some level you feel you deserve this, or again, you don't want to have to hear again from someone else about how bad this is. It's horrifying, humiliating, and it's spiraling. It's a hard thing to talk about.

There's no easy way. There isn't a way to approach it without it being humiliating in some way. If you still care, you have to try somehow. But it will be painful for both of you. If you don't, protect your stuff and just be one more shitty thing that's going to happen to him.
no.

its another shitty thing he has done.

i see no reason to put up with anyone who has done what this guy (or girl) has done to our OP. (should it be true)

you have to do what is right for YOU not what might make some asshole feel better.

nah

its best to dump him now. why keep on with a man (or woman) who has such trouble facing up to reality?

Cause we all do, from time to time. The trick isn't to never loose control, it's to regain control once you have let it slip. Live and learn.

Cause we all do, from time to time. The trick isn't to never loose control, it's to regain control once you have let it slip. Live and learn.
hes gone too far.

he lost his apartment--no big deal. except that her stuff is there and she cant get it back. AND the asshole put her open to losing her computer in the same way by making an issue over her taking it home.

she needs to move on.

(genders used for simplicity not because of assumption of situation.)

hes gone too far.

he lost his apartment--no big deal. except that her stuff is there and she cant get it back. AND the asshole put her open to losing her computer in the same way by making an issue over her taking it home.

she needs to move on.

(genders used for simplicity not because of assumption of situation.)

Well, it's up to her. I tend to be the giving-one-last-chance type of person, but I realise not everybody's like that.

Well, it's up to her. I tend to be the giving-one-last-chance type of person, but I realise not everybody's like that.
of course its up to her.

im just giving my best advice.

Kill them. Dismember and desanguinate the body. Bathe in hydrogen peroxide and sodium hypochlorite. Coat in liquid latex to a depth of five milimeters. Wrap in heavy black plastic, then brown paper. Post to random addresses selected from the phone book.

Its tricky because people are comfortable with different levels of debt

Me, I don't mind owing a bit on credit cards etc because I know I will (eventually) pay them off

Wifey hates owing money and considers our mortgage as a huge debt

In this case though I think the person has got so far into debt they have gone into denial. Good financial advise should be available to all, especially in the current climate

Depends on your natural disposition. Not being especially forgiving myself, I'd send him/her a letter saying goodbye and providing the number of debt relief clinics.

its really hard when you are in a love relationship to know when to cut your losses.

sometimes we ditch a guy for a fault that turns out to be so common that its hard to find one who doesnt do it--"i found him looking at playboy!"

sometimes we keep on with a guy long after its obvious that he will give us nothing but trouble--a friend of my mother-in-law divorced her mean, lazy huband after 53 years of marriage.

the trick is to figure out when to go and when to stay. its not an easy thing to do.

The biggest issues I see here are twofold:

1) A complete and utter lack of communication on the part of the person in debt. It's embarrassing, yes. Even humiliating depending on how bad it gets, but ultimately if you're involved with someone deeply enough that a lot of their stuff is in your apartment, then they have a right to know at the very least that something is up. If he's not sharing embarrassing problems like this, what else might he be hiding that will come back and bite them both later?

2) An obvious disregard for the needs of a person who trusts him enough to leave her stuff there, and yet not only does he allow her to put her things in a situation where they might well be seized, he takes issue with her moving it to safety. What is up with that? Is he hoping her stuff is valuable enough that it'll sell well at the auction and offset his debt?

And as a side note: One has to think long and hard about whether to pursue a relationship with someone who has these obvious lapses in responsibility. I don't mean the debt itself... People can get into overwhelming debt for a variety of reasons that don't necessarily reflect on them as a person... But the way he's handling it is obviously not optimal and it's now causing her problems.

As for the damage that's been done now, I agree with what's been said before... start with the police and see what you have to do to get your stuff back from them or whoever holds it. As for the guy... tell him to call you when he gets his act together.

its really hard when you are in a love relationship to know when to cut your losses.

sometimes we ditch a guy for a fault that turns out to be so common that its hard to find one who doesnt do it--"i found him looking at playboy!"

sometimes we keep on with a guy long after its obvious that he will give us nothing but trouble--a friend of my mother-in-law divorced her mean, lazy huband after 53 years of marriage.

the trick is to figure out when to go and when to stay. its not an easy thing to do.

^^ This, pretty much.
It's a bit difficult giving advise on staying or leaving based just on a short description of his non-existent financial talents... there may be a lot more to it, positive as well as negative.
Although admittedly, once it gets to the point where someone loses his apartment, it's actually pretty scary. At the end of the day, the guy is but a very short step away from sleeping rough.

The biggest issues I see here are twofold:

1) A complete and utter lack of communication on the part of the person in debt. It's embarrassing, yes. Even humiliating depending on how bad it gets, but ultimately if you're involved with someone deeply enough that a lot of their stuff is in your apartment, then they have a right to know at the very least that something is up. If he's not sharing embarrassing problems like this, what else might he be hiding that will come back and bite them both later?

2) An obvious disregard for the needs of a person who trusts him enough to leave her stuff there, and yet not only does he allow her to put her things in a situation where they might well be seized, he takes issue with her moving it to safety. What is up with that? Is he hoping her stuff is valuable enough that it'll sell well at the auction and offset his debt?

And as a side note: One has to think long and hard about whether to pursue a relationship with someone who has these obvious lapses in responsibility. I don't mean the debt itself... People can get into overwhelming debt for a variety of reasons that don't necessarily reflect on them as a person... But the way he's handling it is obviously not optimal and it's now causing her problems.

As for the damage that's been done now, I agree with what's been said before... start with the police and see what you have to do to get your stuff back from them or whoever holds it. As for the guy... tell him to call you when he gets his act together.
exactly.

why keep a relationship with a person with these kinds of issues?

and more importantly....

why havent you started a new BSG thread?

why havent you started a new BSG thread?

Been a bit overwhelmed by that last episode, but you're right. It's time.

It's always easier to care about someone who doesn't need it so bad...

Been a bit overwhelmed by that last episode, but you're right. It's time.
maybe you should wait to the weekend now. there is another new episode tomorrow.

It's always easier to care about someone who doesn't need it so bad...
maybe if he were asking for her help and understanding. maybe if he were even TALKING to her...

maybe if he were asking for her help and understanding. maybe if he were even TALKING to her...

Yeah, it'd be great if everyone did what they should.

Yeah, it'd be great if everyone did what they should.
yeah

and she should move on.

its stupid to stay with someone who reacts to trouble this way.

maybe you should wait to the weekend now. there is another new episode tomorrow.

I dunno I hate starting threads on weekends or Fridays... fewer people seem to be on.

What would you do when your boy/girlfriend. Is holding financial problems behind your back?
What would you do when some day you find accidently a letter from a bailiff whit a warning that there going to confiscate your stuff. Stuff you have worked for. Later on he/she's mad that you take your computer to your home because you're worried.
talk with her, find out what's going on.

What would you do when his relief isn't payd anymore because he doens't react on a invitation of the social security. Later he is put out of his appartment because he can't afford anymore the rent. You have to find this out by the police. You don't have acces to your stuff en he won't react anymore to your attempts to contact him. You don't know were he is en he won't pick up his phone.

What would you do?
at this point... you should talk to a lawyer. you can probably sue his assets off for damages.

yeah

and she should move on.

its stupid to stay with someone who reacts to trouble this way.

He's not fucking her sister, he's dealing with a personal problem that can easily be overwhelming in a less than optimal way. Not everyone is willing or able to be there for something as devastating as that, and certainly the metaphor of trying to save a drowning man who is flailing about can end up drowning you both applies, but I would find it hard to believe that the person truly cared about him in the first place if this made him a 'dirtbag' and was to be treated as 'scum of the earth.'

It's the reaction, not the decision, that troubles.

He's not fucking her sister, he's dealing with a personal problem that can easily be overwhelming in a less than optimal way. Not everyone is willing or able to be there for something as devastating as that, and certainly the metaphor of trying to save a drowning man who is flailing about can end up drowning you both applies, but I would find it hard to believe that the person truly cared about him in the first place if this made him a 'dirtbag' and was to be treated as 'scum of the earth.'

It's the reaction, not the decision, that troubles.
its a rule

when your sweetheart is spiraling out of control, you arent required to go down with him (her).

he doesnt need to be treated like dirt. losing your way doesnt make you scum. it does make you a bad person to be keeping on as a boyfriend. whats the point of keeping that kind of relationship with a person who has just demonstrated why they are not suitable for a long term relationship?

its a rule

when your sweetheart is spiraling out of control, you arent required to go down with him (her).

he doesnt need to be treated like dirt. losing your way doesnt make you scum. it does make you a bad person to be keeping on as a boyfriend. whats the point of keeping that kind of relationship with a person who has just demonstrated why they are not suitable for a long term relationship?
I'm not so in charge of my emotions that I choose who I love like I would a business partner. Just a different approach, I guess.

Kill them. Dismember and desanguinate the body. Bathe in hydrogen peroxide and sodium hypochlorite. Coat in liquid latex to a depth of five milimeters. Wrap in heavy black plastic, then brown paper. Post to random addresses selected from the phone book.

my immediate thought was just a simple bludgeoning with whatever is available when I found out but I think this is an improvement :)

I swear to god if anyone ever hurts my big pillow I'm going on a killing spree, when the cops finally take me out I'm coming back as a hairy arse millipede and touch you while your sleeping!

What would you do when your boy/girlfriend. Is holding financial problems behind your back?

jump in and take over with my amazing powers of rational thinking (despite the fact that I've been sleeping on the couch for a few days :/)

What would you do when some day you find accidently a letter from a bailiff whit a warning that there going to confiscate your stuff. Stuff you have worked for.

panic and start flailing my arms around like a madman...then take my stuff and run like (sneaky) fuck back to mommy and daddy crying.

then I'd tell a lady friend and they would sort it all out whilst I sleep sucking on my thumb >.>

Later on he/she's mad that you take your computer to your home because you're worried.

remind them that I would gladly stab them if they need some sort of closure

What would you do?

call the cops and see what they can do if it gets really bad I will just cut my losses and flee

Although something in your manner of speaking makes me wonder if you are a native English speaker. If you're not: Close, but no cigar. If you are, you should be insulted that your English is bad enough that you could be mistaken for a foreign speaker.

be even more needlessly anal I'm sure you can make lots of new friends that way!

a friend of my mother-in-law divorced her mean, lazy huband after 53 years of marriage.

I was starting to get worried then but I realized that I'm terrified of commitment :p

I'm not so in charge of my emotions that I choose who I love like I would a business partner. Just a different approach, I guess.

love don't pay the bills sugar *does black woman click thing*

I always wondered who this ad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHdKdUJ6bCA) played to...

call the police (or whoever confiscated his stuff) to talk about what is really yours.

find receipts for your stuff so you can prove it--many store can provide you with replacement receipts for the big stuff.

call a lawyer.

dump your boyfriend.

This would be my course of action as well. I have no patience for things like that.

If you "love" them possibly do the first three and then calmly explain they're fucking up and if they don't come clean right now you're gone.

I'm not so in charge of my emotions that I choose who I love like I would a business partner. Just a different approach, I guess.
sometimes you have to.

to save yourself.

I'm not so in charge of my emotions that I choose who I love like I would a business partner. Just a different approach, I guess.
Love and money don't mix well. Money issues is one of the leading causes of break ups of long term relationships.

No one has Vulcan-like control of their emotions when it comes to love -- nor should we, in my opinion. But money is a different matter. Mixing emotions with money is a bad thing to do. We should be cold as ice when it comes to money, because if we let our love-emotions bleed over into our financial considerations, we will only end up poisoning the love relationship with money concerns.

This is why I have never understood why people in relationships feel the need to meld so much of their stuff and money together. It's one thing if you're doing it for a common goal, like buying a house or raising children or running a business together. But when it's just a matter of sort-of-but-not-really sharing an apartment with a boy/girlfriend, that makes no sense to me. It's just asking for trouble.

The OP's story indicates that each person has their own apartment. So why is something as valuable as the OP's computer, as well as other stuff, being kept in the lover's apartment? Maybe there was a practical reason (like thieving housemates at the other place), but we are not told that. On the face of it, it just seems like the kind of thing couples thoughtlessly do -- just melding their stuff together without really thinking about it. But in my world, if you're keeping your own spaces, then you keep your stuff in your own spaces.

I don't mean to blame the OP. I'm just addressing the thing about being in charge of our emotions.

Since we can't be in charge of our emotions about something that really matters and is deeply personal, like love, we should try to stay in charge of our emotions when it comes to stuff that maybe doesn't matter as much but can cause serious problems if we're careless about them -- like really expensive possessions.

As to the OP's problem: I think he/she should contact the police or bailiffs involved and find out what options are available for sorting this out. Maybe he/she will be able to get back possessions that there is documentation about, or maybe he/she will have to wait until the boy/girlfriend's creditors are done sorting through it, or maybe they'll have to become another creditor and sue the boy/girlfriend for the value of what the other creditors took. Or just write the whole thing off as a life lesson.

I always wondered who this ad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHdKdUJ6bCA) played to...

dude I'd fucking love to live with the in-laws *hates personal space*

and this (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=d54TiN3t5_I&feature=related)

Coat in liquid latex to a depth of five milimeters. Wrap in heavy black plastic, then brown paper. Post to random addresses selected from the phone book.
Oh. Something I learned the hard way, when you're putting body parts in the mail you should never use your real return address. This goes for ransom notes, dead pets, letter bombs, anthrax and creepy, unsigned stalker notes as well.

I'm not so in charge of my emotions that I choose who I love like I would a business partner. Just a different approach, I guess.

Love /=/ being in an unhealthy relationship with

Oh. Something I learned the hard way, when you're putting body parts in the mail you should never use your real return address. This goes for ransom notes, dead pets, letter bombs, anthrax and creepy, unsigned stalker notes as well.

one should also avoid coloured/scented envelopes as it can look very unprofessional

Love /=/ being in an unhealthy relationship with

what is love?

what is love?
I'm the last possible person on the forum you want to get into this thread-jack with.

what is love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!

I'm the last possible person on the forum you want to get into this thread-jack with.

well then:

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA)

:D

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!

yeah...

Oh I don't know
why you're not fair :(

yeah...

Oh I don't know
why you're not fair :(

Teehee!:p

What would you do when your boy/girlfriend. Is holding financial problems behind your back?
What would you do when some day you find accidently a letter from a bailiff whit a warning that there going to confiscate your stuff. Stuff you have worked for. Later on he/she's mad that you take your computer to your home because you're worried.
What would you do when his relief isn't payd anymore because he doens't react on a invitation of the social security. Later he is put out of his appartment because he can't afford anymore the rent. You have to find this out by the police. You don't have acces to your stuff en he won't react anymore to your attempts to contact him. You don't know were he is en he won't pick up his phone.

What would you do?

It seems you already know what to do, but are just scared to do it and you're looking for validation. We usually don't do that here, but meh. I'd say stop asking questions and act on the answers you already know.

It seems you already know what to do, but are just scared to do it and you're looking for validation

*kicks open door*

did someone just say something about a mindless fluffle thread!?!?

I'd say stop asking questions and act on the answers you already know.

did the OP ever say she was looking for advice :wink:

If he's not talking to you, get a lawyer. You need to get a restraining order against anyone taking your stuff.

What's with all the reasonable, logical advice? Just kill the ****. Slice him up. You'll enjoy it.

be even more needlessly anal I'm sure you can make lots of new friends that way!

Needlessness is a matter of opinion.

And I have plenty of friends. They all use correct grammar.



Most of the time, anyways.






Besides, if I don't criticize people who use bad grammar, who will? And if no one does, they'll never learn.

I have trust issues, if they couldn't trust me enough to tell me about their financial trouble it would already be a major blow against them, and when they let my possessions get taken along with theirs I would see it as them not caring, especially the lack of communication during/after the fact. I'd wash my hands of it.

what is love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!


Oh I don't know
why you're not fair :(

I give you my heart
But you don't care
What is right?
What is wrong?

I give you my heart
But you don't care
What is right?
What is wrong?

http://tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:bF0ZBwo_ZkEYJM:http://sf0.org/media/Countach44/square_100_116_Countach448761.gif

http://tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:bF0ZBwo_ZkEYJM:http://sf0.org/media/Countach44/square_100_116_Countach448761.gif

I broke the window again :(

I broke the window again :(

Don't worry, I taped it for that purpose. You always break it. Next time we take your car.