NationStates Jolt Archive

I just have to do this. So, you call your friend, and his answering machine comes up. What does it say ?

Heaven, God speaking...

Hey, this is [insert friend's name] answering machine, Marvin. I have 50,000 times the memory of my owner, yet I'm stuck answering the phone. Don't talk to me about life.

Commander Caesar cannot speak as of this moment due to fighting off the evil Zyborg race who threaten the galaxy, or he's taking a nap. Please leave your name & credit card details for The Empire of Caesar.

We are Majestic Twelve. We have kidnapped him. Where's the money?

WELCOME TO THE WASTELANDS!

If this is the insuration company, I payed the money,
If this is parents, I need money,
If this is friends, you owe me money,
If this is a female, I have plently of money.

Now, make your own, people!

Hey, this is [insert friend's name] answering machine, Marvin. I have a brain the size of a planet, yet I'm stuck answering the phone. Don't talk to me about life.

Fixed.

"Hey what's up? (2 second pause) Nah, just kidding, I'm not here, leave a message foo!"

One friend made his answering machine a Rick Roll, hated that..

Hey, this is [insert friend's name] answering machine, Marvin. I have 50,000 times the memory of my owner, yet I'm stuck answering the phone. Don't talk to me about life.

....who are you and how did you get the phone number of my old college dorm room?!

(Although actually, it was "Hello, this is [My Name]'s answering machine, Marvin. [My Name] isn't here right now, so she sent me to take her messages. Brain the size of a planet, and she has me answering the phone. And I have this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side....but I'm sure you don't care about MY problems. So just leave your message after the beep. *muttered* I hate that beep. It's so....cheerful.")

Answering machines are for people who want to actually be contacted, lame.

(did this when numerous wrong #'s were sent my way due to being very close to a local restaurant that treated me badly.)

*Fakes slight accent*

Hello. You've reached [name obscured for security purposes]. We are temporarily shut down for an indefinite period of time while we undergo changes to bring you better service. We hope to be open again soon. [begins muttering to effectively simulate inadvertent recording.] F*&king health inspector's office and the damn rats.

Message ends. They heard about this, but never found me. My friends were all notified of this, and hilarity ensued. Important callers were referenced to a different number while this went on. Much joy.

Let me see:

"You have reached the Federal Bureau of Investigation, X-Files Division. We're all out of the office right now, but if you leave you name, number, and report of a paranormal incident, we will investigate as soon as we get back."

"Hi! This is (Name)'s refrigerator. I'm afraid the answering machine is broken right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll write it down and stick it onto myself with a magnet and tell someone when they get back."

"Hello?... Oh! Hi!... How's it going?... Really?... Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, this is the answering machine and not me. You know the drill after this. Bye!"

But my personal favorite was: "Kill them all and murder the bodies! Kill them all and murder the bodies! KILL THEM ALL AND MURDER THE BODIES!!!! Oh, and please leave a message at the tone."

Hello, you have reached heaven. The Lord and savior is not in right now so please leave a prayer after the beep and we will respond as soon as is possible.