NationStates Jolt Archive

Well, this summer has continued to be spectacular, with my grandfather passing away on Memorial day, and Grandma passing two days ago.

My question for you all isn't so much about the funeral itself, but about the planning.
Here are the two situations that bring it up.

My dad had a severe motorcycle accident and broke both legs at 6 PM. The next morning, my grandfather had a stroke at 6 AM. My sister and I went down to see them (about an hour and a half from us), expecting to leave the next morning to come back up. By the next night, grandpa had died. My dad was unable to help, and my uncle is somewhat useless at times, so my sister, my mother and I took on much of the responsibilities of making arrangements. I was constantly on the phone, often with another call on hold. If it wasn't that, then I was going to the hospital to see my dad. The stress kept building up, making me somewhat insane, but I was constantly distracted from the reality of life.

My grandma passed away early in the morning. I got the call, and was told not to bother coming home, as my dad was able to do the work I had. I went to see a movie with some friends, drank quite a bit, and generally was bored and not happy.

So what is the purpose of all the insanity? Is it just to keep us distracted? Which do you prefer? Having time to process info, or running around constantly?

it gives you a chance to feel like you did right by the deceased (even when many of us really havent), something to focus on besides grief, and for some families a whole bunch of trivia to fight over.

it gives you a chance to feel like you did right by the deceased (even when many of us really havent), something to focus on besides grief, and for some families a whole bunch of trivia to fight over.

my family sort of said "fuck tradition"...both were supposed to be traditional Jewish ceremonies, done within the next 24 hours. With dad in the hospital, it was just too much, and with grandma, my dads first day back to work was yesterday, and he has a half day on tuesdays, so he could only take off the half day

edit: We also didn't really allow for much discussion...we said it, people listened. Strange, eh?

and you didnt get a huge ration of shit from those who thought that you should have kept to tradition no matter what the circumstances?

and you didnt get a huge ration of shit from those who thought that you should have kept to tradition no matter what the circumstances?
This part of the family is fairly accepting...they're Jewish, but understand that there is alot going on...the family burial site is outside of Boston, but both deaths occured in Connecticut, and with the motorcycle thing, it was sort of "We can do this. If you don't like it, don't come. We really don't care"

funeral are such high stress occasions that it brings out the asshole in people.

if your family came through it and remain happy with each other its a testament to you all.

funeral are such high stress occasions that it brings out the asshole in people.

if your family came through it and remain happy with each other its a testament to you all.

I think this time around was actually worse, despite having much less stress.

Which is why I asked the question...I think I felt worse because I wasn't so busy, and so dealt with it worse....but I'm not sure which I prefered

My grandmother set up her service the right way. It was all planned in advance, with her daughters fully informed.

When she died (at 104), she was cremated and a simple interment ceremony for family was held at graveside. No fuss, no bother. Needless to say, it wasn't really a surprise that she was dying.

A month later, we held a memorial service at her church. Plenty of time for non-locals to make plans to attend. I don't even recall any religious ceremonials, despite the fact that she was fairly active and devout. What I do remember was all the people coming up and telling funny or moving stories about how she had affected their lives.

It was positive, upbeat, and nothing at all like most hastily-convened instant grieving funerals I usually see. I heard about a ton of things that I never knew as her grandchild. It was a great two hours.

I've known three of my great-grandparents. One had taken the time to arrange matters with her pastor, so there was surprisingly little that my grand-aunt had to attend to. Apart from them, I've only had a grand-uncle and a grand-aunt whose deaths I remember, and from what I remember both had made arrangements with their families and a mortuary service.

My grand-uncle was a pretty happy man, and had the funeral home set out apple pie for the family. He loved apple pie. We all regretted his death simply because we lost him, but the man lived an amazing life. His death came as a surprise, but his forethought saved everybody from a stressful process.

It often takes me weeks to process that someone has died (or in the case of my grandmother years, she died 19 days before my first daughter was born, it was hard to be happy about the birth because my mentor had died and hard to be grieving because I was excited about the birth... I feel like I didn't do either right).

There are nights I wake up and can't remember if my dad is dead or not (he is), he died 4 days before my first daughter's birthday, that funeral was triple tough because it reminded me I couldn't travel to grieve my grandmother, and also my dad died, and there were questions as to the actual cause behind his death and then to top it off there was bustling around my daughter who was turning 1 and beginning to walk and stuff. I don't feel like I did that one right either.

I'm trying to figure out how early is too morbid to plan my funeral. I could conceivably die tonight......or next week, or in 3 years or in 40 years, depending on what kind of turn my health takes, all of that without the ever looming car accident or fire or tornado. :(

I hope my children can grieve in the way they need to. I hope I don't die at an inconvenient time and that whoever is around to help them through is better at it than the people I've had around me when I've had to deal with things like this.

Okay, now I'm depressed. Thanks. :(

I've been 'old enough to understand' for the deaths of a great-grandparent, two grandparents, and one parent. It's never been a big deal for me - I don't go to the funerals, I don't much care how it all gets worked out. The 'being dead' part at the end of life isn't the part I'm interested in.

It often takes me weeks to process that someone has died (or in the case of my grandmother years, she died 19 days before my first daughter was born, it was hard to be happy about the birth because my mentor had died and hard to be grieving because I was excited about the birth... I feel like I didn't do either right).

There are nights I wake up and can't remember if my dad is dead or not (he is), he died 4 days before my first daughter's birthday, that funeral was triple tough because it reminded me I couldn't travel to grieve my grandmother, and also my dad died, and there were questions as to the actual cause behind his death and then to top it off there was bustling around my daughter who was turning 1 and beginning to walk and stuff. I don't feel like I did that one right either.

I'm trying to figure out how early is too morbid to plan my funeral. I could conceivably die tonight......or next week, or in 3 years or in 40 years, depending on what kind of turn my health takes, all of that without the ever looming car accident or fire or tornado. :(

I hope my children can grieve in the way they need to. I hope I don't die at an inconvenient time and that whoever is around to help them through is better at it than the people I've had around me when I've had to deal with things like this.

Okay, now I'm depressed. Thanks. :(

I've told my wife to do whatever is cheapest. If it means I end up in a bodygarden, that's cool.

planning your funeral at least in general outline, is a blessing to those who will mourn you. my parents had theirs all arranged and paid for--but they were old. (and yes my oldest brother still managed to do something wrong for each)

if you think that your family will fight over the arrangements *shudder* as sometimes happens in contentious families you really should write up a document with your wishes on it. "no flowers, cremation, sing amazing grace" whatever seems best. few people will want to override your wishes if they are undeniable.

I've told my wife to do whatever is cheapest. If it means I end up in a bodygarden, that's cool.

Oh, the "where my body goes" part is written up all legal like. It's all the other fluff that's worrying to me.

When my mother finally dies the mess will be.......to great for me to bear. She has enough stuff to fill a 9,000 square foot storage in a 200 square foot apartment.......and it's all random. I would have to go through it all. My first inclination is to donate it all to Goodwill, but I know there's probably important papers somewhere in it, or her family will be pissed at me for not doling out what's "important" to them. Then there's where her body goes, which she has told me she wants what's "cheapest" but that's against the religion of her family which means I'll be stuck paying for a plot in a cemetery and the casket and the headstone and everything else they think is "important" and they'll bitch about the way I do it anyway. Never-mind the fact they'll want me to plan the funeral even though I don't wish to ever see or talk to any of them ever again. I'll end up paying for two funerals, one for me and the girls and another I'm not going to, for them.

Oh, the "where my body goes" part is written up all legal like. It's all the other fluff that's worrying to me.

When my mother finally dies the mess will be.......to great for me to bear. She has enough stuff to fill a 9,000 square foot storage in a 200 square foot apartment.......and it's all random. I would have to go through it all. My first inclination is to donate it all to Goodwill, but I know there's probably important papers somewhere in it, or her family will be pissed at me for not doling out what's "important" to them. Then there's where her body goes, which she has told me she wants what's "cheapest" but that's against the religion of her family which means I'll be stuck paying for a plot in a cemetery and the casket and the headstone and everything else they think is "important" and they'll bitch about the way I do it anyway. Never-mind the fact they'll want me to plan the funeral even though I don't wish to ever see or talk to any of them ever again. I'll end up paying for two funerals, one for me and the girls and another I'm not going to, for them.

You should stick to your guns. Tell them all you're opting out, let them all know, now, so they can't claim surprise later. If they want a religious funeral, let them go ahead and do it. If you're feeling especially kindly towards them, offer to pay your 'share'.

If they turn you down, cool - do it how you want. And, if that means they're unhappy with the results, that was their choice.

Maybe I'm not the best person to get advice from. To me, there are my family, and there are people I'm related to - and there are very few overlaps in those groups.

(Oh, and if they leave you sorting the junk - a big box of trashbags. Take one run at it, over a weekend or something. If it's important enough to keep it goes on one pile, everything else is either for the dump, or can be picked up by some charitable service).

How dare grandma die during the democratic convention.. Brother, when I die, promise me you'll get drunk and recreate the Boston Tea Party, okay?

Being overwhelmed does tend to push things to the back of the line.

I like to play with legos when I need a mental vacation. *nod*

My mother died just when I was in the process of retiring, selling my house and preparing to move to Colorado. It was a hectic time. Fortunately 1. my mother had planned for it, she had funeral insurance and was a WWII veteran, so cost was not an issue nor was finding a plot, she had a guaranteed spot in the Riverside National Cemetary. 2. The VA had a minister who was very good at helping families with planning and prioritizing. 3. I was totally numb at the time and sort of sleepwalked from one thing to the next. Nothing really hit me until the 1st anniversary of her death.

My grandmother set up her service the right way. It was all planned in advance, with her daughters fully informed.

When she died (at 104), she was cremated and a simple interment ceremony for family was held at graveside. No fuss, no bother. Needless to say, it wasn't really a surprise that she was dying.

A month later, we held a memorial service at her church. Plenty of time for non-locals to make plans to attend. I don't even recall any religious ceremonials, despite the fact that she was fairly active and devout. What I do remember was all the people coming up and telling funny or moving stories about how she had affected their lives.

It was positive, upbeat, and nothing at all like most hastily-convened instant grieving funerals I usually see. I heard about a ton of things that I never knew as her grandchild. It was a great two hours.
I like that idea. We played down the funeral for my grandfather because my father was unable to attend....we plan to do a bigger ceremony for the headstone, which happens one year after (not sure if that is just Jewish tradition, or if others do similar)

Now, with the passing of my grandmother, I'm not sure that we will need to. but I do like the idea of a better planned thing.
It often takes me weeks to process that someone has died (or in the case of my grandmother years, she died 19 days before my first daughter was born, it was hard to be happy about the birth because my mentor had died and hard to be grieving because I was excited about the birth... I feel like I didn't do either right). I have a big tendancy to say something stupid, like "Who wants to call Rhi?", when in a group of people who all knew her (Rhi was my friend who died...I did this about a week ago. the world got quite silent)

There are nights I wake up and can't remember if my dad is dead or not (he is), he died 4 days before my first daughter's birthday, that funeral was triple tough because it reminded me I couldn't travel to grieve my grandmother, and also my dad died, and there were questions as to the actual cause behind his death and then to top it off there was bustling around my daughter who was turning 1 and beginning to walk and stuff. I don't feel like I did that one right either.
You know...this is the first death that I had real denial with...to the point that I texted my sister to ask if Grandma was dead or if I had actually dreamed it as I thought I had.
I'm trying to figure out how early is too morbid to plan my funeral. I could conceivably die tonight......or next week, or in 3 years or in 40 years, depending on what kind of turn my health takes, all of that without the ever looming car accident or fire or tornado. :(My parents have a file on their computer...it goes step by step exactly who needs to be called and what needs to be said...from funeral directors to family that needs to be contacted.

I hope my children can grieve in the way they need to. I hope I don't die at an inconvenient time and that whoever is around to help them through is better at it than the people I've had around me when I've had to deal with things like this. Best anyone can hope. I feel horrible about my grandpas death. The only reason why I cried was because I had to tell my father that his father was dead, knowing full well that my dad could not go to the funeral.


planning your funeral at least in general outline, is a blessing to those who will mourn you. my parents had theirs all arranged and paid for--but they were old. (and yes my oldest brother still managed to do something wrong for each)

if you think that your family will fight over the arrangements *shudder* as sometimes happens in contentious families you really should write up a document with your wishes on it. "no flowers, cremation, sing amazing grace" whatever seems best. few people will want to override your wishes if they are undeniable.I like and hate that my parents have it planned out so well.

How dare grandma die during the democratic convention.. Brother, when I die, promise me you'll get drunk and recreate the Boston Tea Party, okay?

Being overwhelmed does tend to push things to the back of the line.

I like to play with legos when I need a mental vacation. *nod*
I play with silly puddy and go to movies.

And do I have to wait for you to die to do that?