Heinleinites
20-08-2008, 16:15
Do you remember when MTV used to be worth a damn?
Believe it or not, MTV actually used to be worth watching. They used to play actual music videos, and interview/associate with actual musicians, not just teeny-boppers who had seen a guitar once. Growing up, my family couldn't afford cable. We had one 13 inch black and white television, the kind with a UHF dial on the face (apropos of that, does anybody else remember UHF stations. They were almost the television equivalent of pirate radio, but alas, have gone the way of drive-ins, another great institution sadly fallen by the way. But I digress.) I used to go over to Danny William’s house and watch it and pester his older sister. It (and Danny’s older sister) was an integral part of my childhood and teenage years.
But sadly, the MTV that I knew and loved appears to have gone the way of Ozymandias. The Powers That Be, in the most stunning display of managerial savvy since the launch of the Edsel, at some point( I blame the first ‘Real Word’ myself) apparently decided to program exclusively for the coveted '13 year old mongoloid' demographic. It's all been pretty much downhill from there.
On that note, if there is one thing I hate, its when people whine and bitch about things they don't like and yet give you a blank look when you ask them how they're going to fix it. (I’m looking at you, DNC) So, in the grand tradition of such men as Henry Ford, J.P. Morgan, or Andrew Carnegie, seeing a hole in the market I have decided to produce my own, superior product, and make the competition cry like a French soccer player. This new music video channel will be called 'The Bad-Ass Music Channel', or BAMC, and it will play bad-ass music. The BAMC will not discriminate based on the particular genre; it is a uniter, not a divider. If it is a bad-ass song, or if you are a bad-ass musician, you are welcome at the BAMC.
This is the kind of thing you will see on the BAMC:
Classical music - Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, and Mussorgsky. 'A Night on Bald Mountain.’ ‘The 9th Symphony.’ ‘The 1812 Overture’ Handel’s ‘Messiah.’ People think that classical music is boring. The BAMC will beat them severely about the head and shoulders with how wrong they are. Since these pieces were composed in the days before the music video (or television. Or radio, for that matter) came into vogue, while they play there will be a montage of pictures of various beautiful women wearing bikinis, or lingerie, or less. Beautiful women in the viewing audience will be encouraged to send in pictures of themselves in bikinis, or lingerie, or less. If a woman's picture is used, she gets $100$ from our ‘Beautiful Audience Members Fund’.
Rock and/or Roll - Motley Crue, Poison, Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, KISS, Alice Cooper, Motorhead, Metallica, Rob Zombie, etc. These bands qualified for a couple of reasons. Firstly, these bands will always kick your ass. Always. That's just the way it is. Who am I to tinker with the underlying forces of the universe? Secondly, these bands are better by several orders of magnitude than what passes for rock and roll these days. If it weren't for these bands, a lot of the 'musicians' you see out there now would still be working the fryer at Denny's.
Country Music - Not all country music though. Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Hank Williams, David Alan Coe, Alan Jackson, Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Toby Keith, Trace Adkins as well as others to be named later, will be more than welcome anytime they want to show up. On the other hand, the only way the Dixie Chicks are coming anywhere near my building is if they get jobs making coffee and answering phones.
Anything else I happen to run across and like- This would include talented musician girlfriends of people I like, my little brother's wife, my best friend’s Doors cover band, stuff like that. As with any other decision, my word would be law.
There is music and there are musicians that would, however, not be able to get onto the BAMC if they showed up brandishing loaded shotguns. Actually, now that I think about it, that particular tactic might work, because that is kind of bad-ass, but never mind, the point is: that you will not see the following musicians and/or genres on the BAMC unless the lions need feeding.
Anyone who is not old enough to vote - It's my contention that the two great themes in music are love and heartbreak. There's not a 16 year old alive that knows enough about either one to be singing about it.
Rappers– Due to straitened economic circumstances, there have been points in my life where I have had to live in various cities’ ghettoes. This has left me with a deep and abiding loathing of hip-hop and its concomitant 'gangsta' culture. So, much like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I'm going to go out of my way to see that I don't encounter it. Also like a poke in the eye, I’m going to try not to inflict it on anyone else. Plus, if the BAMC starts showing rap videos, the last tiny shreds of justification for BET's existence will vanish and everyone who works there will have to go out and get real jobs.
Whiny little bastards who think that the fact that they can play the guitar gives them a greater insight into humanity or makes them more 'enlightened' than the rest of us - The last thing I, and my viewers, want to see is some skinny little SOB who makes money hand over fist telling me (us) I (we) need to give more to charity. My charity PSA would consist of televising several large men strapping down aforementioned bastich and tattooing 'Charity Begins At Home' on his face.
Techno, and anything associated with it – Techno and its inbred cousins always seem to involve Europeans wearing weird clothing, doing odd dances, and generally behaving in an off-putting manner. Plus, I find it annoying and it usually involves strobe lights, which give me a headache. Yes, I realize it’s an arbitrary decision. So? That’s one of the beauties of having your own TV network.
Now, after a long day of vigorously pleasing the viewing public, at midnight, the BAMC will switch over to showing Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, interspersed with Three Stooges shorts. Why switch from just plain music, you ask? First of all, Because I Can. Secondly, because the Stooges have some of the most memorable opening music in cinema and it's harder to think of two bigger bad-asses than John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. That's why. They fit right in. After we run out of those, we'll move on to film noir, detective movies, the Marx Brothers, and really, anything else I like or think will draw in viewers.
So watch your cable providers, and when you hearing the weeping, and the wailing, and the gnashing of teeth, you'll know that all the other music channels have been cast into the fiery pits of torment they so richly deserve and that the Bad Ass Music Channel reigns supreme.
Believe it or not, MTV actually used to be worth watching. They used to play actual music videos, and interview/associate with actual musicians, not just teeny-boppers who had seen a guitar once. Growing up, my family couldn't afford cable. We had one 13 inch black and white television, the kind with a UHF dial on the face (apropos of that, does anybody else remember UHF stations. They were almost the television equivalent of pirate radio, but alas, have gone the way of drive-ins, another great institution sadly fallen by the way. But I digress.) I used to go over to Danny William’s house and watch it and pester his older sister. It (and Danny’s older sister) was an integral part of my childhood and teenage years.
But sadly, the MTV that I knew and loved appears to have gone the way of Ozymandias. The Powers That Be, in the most stunning display of managerial savvy since the launch of the Edsel, at some point( I blame the first ‘Real Word’ myself) apparently decided to program exclusively for the coveted '13 year old mongoloid' demographic. It's all been pretty much downhill from there.
On that note, if there is one thing I hate, its when people whine and bitch about things they don't like and yet give you a blank look when you ask them how they're going to fix it. (I’m looking at you, DNC) So, in the grand tradition of such men as Henry Ford, J.P. Morgan, or Andrew Carnegie, seeing a hole in the market I have decided to produce my own, superior product, and make the competition cry like a French soccer player. This new music video channel will be called 'The Bad-Ass Music Channel', or BAMC, and it will play bad-ass music. The BAMC will not discriminate based on the particular genre; it is a uniter, not a divider. If it is a bad-ass song, or if you are a bad-ass musician, you are welcome at the BAMC.
This is the kind of thing you will see on the BAMC:
Classical music - Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, and Mussorgsky. 'A Night on Bald Mountain.’ ‘The 9th Symphony.’ ‘The 1812 Overture’ Handel’s ‘Messiah.’ People think that classical music is boring. The BAMC will beat them severely about the head and shoulders with how wrong they are. Since these pieces were composed in the days before the music video (or television. Or radio, for that matter) came into vogue, while they play there will be a montage of pictures of various beautiful women wearing bikinis, or lingerie, or less. Beautiful women in the viewing audience will be encouraged to send in pictures of themselves in bikinis, or lingerie, or less. If a woman's picture is used, she gets $100$ from our ‘Beautiful Audience Members Fund’.
Rock and/or Roll - Motley Crue, Poison, Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, KISS, Alice Cooper, Motorhead, Metallica, Rob Zombie, etc. These bands qualified for a couple of reasons. Firstly, these bands will always kick your ass. Always. That's just the way it is. Who am I to tinker with the underlying forces of the universe? Secondly, these bands are better by several orders of magnitude than what passes for rock and roll these days. If it weren't for these bands, a lot of the 'musicians' you see out there now would still be working the fryer at Denny's.
Country Music - Not all country music though. Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Hank Williams, David Alan Coe, Alan Jackson, Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Toby Keith, Trace Adkins as well as others to be named later, will be more than welcome anytime they want to show up. On the other hand, the only way the Dixie Chicks are coming anywhere near my building is if they get jobs making coffee and answering phones.
Anything else I happen to run across and like- This would include talented musician girlfriends of people I like, my little brother's wife, my best friend’s Doors cover band, stuff like that. As with any other decision, my word would be law.
There is music and there are musicians that would, however, not be able to get onto the BAMC if they showed up brandishing loaded shotguns. Actually, now that I think about it, that particular tactic might work, because that is kind of bad-ass, but never mind, the point is: that you will not see the following musicians and/or genres on the BAMC unless the lions need feeding.
Anyone who is not old enough to vote - It's my contention that the two great themes in music are love and heartbreak. There's not a 16 year old alive that knows enough about either one to be singing about it.
Rappers– Due to straitened economic circumstances, there have been points in my life where I have had to live in various cities’ ghettoes. This has left me with a deep and abiding loathing of hip-hop and its concomitant 'gangsta' culture. So, much like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I'm going to go out of my way to see that I don't encounter it. Also like a poke in the eye, I’m going to try not to inflict it on anyone else. Plus, if the BAMC starts showing rap videos, the last tiny shreds of justification for BET's existence will vanish and everyone who works there will have to go out and get real jobs.
Whiny little bastards who think that the fact that they can play the guitar gives them a greater insight into humanity or makes them more 'enlightened' than the rest of us - The last thing I, and my viewers, want to see is some skinny little SOB who makes money hand over fist telling me (us) I (we) need to give more to charity. My charity PSA would consist of televising several large men strapping down aforementioned bastich and tattooing 'Charity Begins At Home' on his face.
Techno, and anything associated with it – Techno and its inbred cousins always seem to involve Europeans wearing weird clothing, doing odd dances, and generally behaving in an off-putting manner. Plus, I find it annoying and it usually involves strobe lights, which give me a headache. Yes, I realize it’s an arbitrary decision. So? That’s one of the beauties of having your own TV network.
Now, after a long day of vigorously pleasing the viewing public, at midnight, the BAMC will switch over to showing Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, interspersed with Three Stooges shorts. Why switch from just plain music, you ask? First of all, Because I Can. Secondly, because the Stooges have some of the most memorable opening music in cinema and it's harder to think of two bigger bad-asses than John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. That's why. They fit right in. After we run out of those, we'll move on to film noir, detective movies, the Marx Brothers, and really, anything else I like or think will draw in viewers.
So watch your cable providers, and when you hearing the weeping, and the wailing, and the gnashing of teeth, you'll know that all the other music channels have been cast into the fiery pits of torment they so richly deserve and that the Bad Ass Music Channel reigns supreme.