NationStates Jolt Archive

I just saw Mirrors and thought I'd get a list going of things that people should or should not do in order to survive if they were to find themselves in a modern horror movie. So far, I've got:

If you're going to take a security job at an old, burned out building in a big city, find out what used to be there before the current building.

If your kids say they can see things that no one else can see, LISTEN!

If your ex-husband says that he sees things no one else can see, LISTEN!

Don't go down the creepy stairs by yourself with only a flashlight. (not new, but still good)

If you hear screaming in an abandoned building, don't investigate, especially if they don't answer you when you call to them.

That's all I can think of so far, so I leave it to you. What tips do you have?

Push people out of your way, trust me, their sacrifice will mean that you get away.

If someone falls down, they're doomed, don't go back for them.

Not to be rude but someone did this a few weeks ago.. this is only reduntant.

and repetitive

And Wilgrove gets the gold star for pouncing on a newborn thread like a cheetah on a gazelle. :tongue:

Not to be rude but someone did this a few weeks ago.. this is only reduntant.

People always preemptively steal my ideas. *pouts*

And Wilgrove gets the gold star for pouncing on a newborn thread like a cheetah on a gazelle. :tongue:

*looks up from eating the gazelle* What?

All you need to survive a modern horror movie is a sixpack of beer and an ipod.

*looks up from eating the gazelle* What?

*sticks gold star on Wilgrove's forehead.*

If a modern horror movie is attacking you, I recommend either stomping on the DVD or taking refuge behind a table or other large object.

You're very welcome.

If you stumble across a book that summons demons, undead, or high-ranking politicians, don't read from it -- not even as a joke.

A shotgun. With a fuckload of ammo.

And for kicks, bring a desert eagle as your backup, cus the good guy always loses his main weapon and has to make an epic kill with the backup, and there is no more epic pistol than the desert eagle.

If a modern horror movie is attacking you, I recommend either stomping on the DVD or taking refuge behind a table or other large object.

You're very welcome.

Seriously, you just need a cane, a porch and a rocking chair to fulfill your destiny of becoming grumpy old bastard grampa.

-Remember, the 2 hundred year old church may look secure and safe, but it is actually where the infection of zombies/serial killers/bats/politicians/left-wing-college-know-it-alls started
- Whilst the zombies/serial killers/bats/politicians/left-wing-college-know-it-alls are trashing the town, don't start looting. The looters always suffer the most horrible fate. (wait until day, when the zombies/serial killers/bats/politicians/left-wing-college-know-it-alls aren't around)
- Attach yourself to the attractive but intelligent chick. She always survives.
- Don't hide in an oven/trash-compacter/bomb-factory.. the zombies/serial killers/bats/politicians/left-wing-college-know-it-alls will always accidentally turn it on.
- Don't hang around the military. Despite their billions of dollars of destructive equipment and technology, they always screw up and everyone dies

If you see Lance Hendrickson or David Duchovny anywhere near there, run like Hell.

- No matter how attractive that vampire girl/guy is, you will stay away from her/him.
- If you want to kill some zombies, please, shoot them in the (bloody) head!
- I don't care if it looks uncool, turn the lights!

1950s
When the fat small town sheriff says: 'You kids stop wasting my time and get the hell out of my office,' the blobby monstrosity is only seconds away. Start running now.

1960s
Experiments that involve radiation and animals that are (currently) small and harmless are a very bad idea.

1970s
The geeky but inoffensive corporate management person is up to no good.

1980s
Deserted buildings are bad news.

1990s
Urban myths are invariably true, and attempting to disprove them is merely a spectacular form of suicide.

2000s
See above, since they all appear to be remakes. Or flat-out gorefests where you will end up being horribly tortured to death so you may as well kill yourself now, painlessly, and avoid it.

You missed the 80s classic sex is death genre.

You missed the 80s classic sex is death genre.

ah, the "the moment we got naked in the back seat of the car, we were eaten by 10-meter tarantulas..."

Organizm:
If a stranger breaks into the military base where you're stationed to tell you NOT to disturb what's in Sublevel 3 Vault 12, and you discover a hidden room in said vault with a sealed tank... DO NOT OPEN IT!!! seal the room in concrete and then the vault in concrete and keep it fucking buried!

If I am given advice on how to fight an invading force and a general has just assumed command, I will pass said advice on to said general.

Shadow Puppets:
Basic math is essential. if a machine shows it's been used eight times and there are NINE VICTIMS, I would be wary of those other 'victims'.

I would locate the exit out of the secret medical facility before I do something like shutting down the generators and turning off all the lights... ESPECIALLY if those lights are essential in keeping the shadow creature away from me.

If trapped in a room with said shadow creature... do NOT enter the dark sensory deprivation chamber.

Amityville Horror:
If I were to buy a house that has a history of people dying inside, I would first BLESS the house then buy it. if anything prevents the blessing, then I will look for a new place to live.


General Horror Movies:
Always travel in groups of three or more. if possible, NEVER SPLIT THE PARTY.

If someone in the party is a practical joker, everytime he plays a joke on someone, everyone else gets to Kick that person in the balls or punch her chest... hard, until the lesson of 'no more practical jokes' is learned.

If one asshole decides to go off on their own, do not attempt to follow nor rescue that person.

be armed, but be smart.

As learned in CoC... after shooting the bad guy and he falls, keep shooting. after emptying your gun, reload and shoot again untill gun is once more empty then get sharp tool, like a machette or hatchet and turn one body into a small pile of body parts, then seperate into smaller piles, burn one, freeze the another bury the third (if possible).

Keep a close eye on your friends... when they start acting unusual... keep your weapon handy.

Have a cat or dog with you at all times. when they start going nuts, you know the killer is near.

If you hear about a cursed item, say a video, house, toy, ect... don't fuck with it. especially if others fuck with it and they need you to fuck with it to save their pitiful life.

Listen to the old, crazy person.

- Attach yourself to the attractive but intelligent chick. She always survives.

Very bad idea: she'll survive, but her companions are usually brutally killed in front of her. Stay away from women like this! The only exception to this rule is if you're already badly injured when you encounter her or if you only meet her late in the movie. If she has a secret crush on you then the 'only meet late in the film' rule is especially important to observe, and if you have a secret crush on her then stay the hell away, as otherwise you'll end up sacrificing yourself for her (she'll survive anyway so just let her get on with it).

The best stategy is to pair up with a bunch of obvious victims, thus making you the 'last survivor' by default. Good victim types include:
-unpleasant people (although not so unpleasant that they'll turn on you)
-drippy girls
-boys wearing glasses (those glasses will always break at the worst possible moment, so use these people as a sort of miners' canary)
-soppy people (although if they appear to be growing a spine they're probably survivors: leave the group)

SAW (all of them): Yea, unless you're actually willing to do what it takes to get out of the puzzles, you're fucked.

If you're on a trip with a new ship and the captain says 'Arrr, there be no ice bergs here', get in a life boat.


What, Titanic wasn't a horror movie?

If you're on a trip with a new ship and the captain says 'Arrr, there be no ice bergs here', get in a life boat.


What, Titanic wasn't a horror movie?

The ending was ruined for me before I saw that movie. Damn history class.

The ending was ruined for me before I saw that movie. Damn history class.
I'm waiting for the sequel, that has the potential to be an awesomely epic movie.

I'm waiting for the sequel, that has the potential to be an awesomely epic movie.

Wasn't there a movie where they did raise the Titanic up from the bottom of the ocean? I think at the end of that movie, it sank again.

Wasn't there a movie where they did raise the Titanic up from the bottom of the ocean? I think at the end of that movie, it sank again.
Now you've spoiled it for me.:tongue:

Now you've spoiled it for me.:tongue:

lol, I'm serious though, I remember seeing a movie where they raised the Titanic.

Has anyone else seen this movie. I know it was a movie....

lol, I'm serious though, I remember seeing a movie where they raised the Titanic.

Has anyone else seen this movie. I know it was a movie....

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081400/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081400/

Ok, duh to me lol. Thanks

Unless you're the hero or a sufficiently awesome villain, you are very likely to die. Your best bet is to flee with all possible speed.

If you hear screaming in an abandoned building, don't investigate, especially if they don't answer you when you call to them.
Who would do this? If I hear screaming in an abandoned building, I run away.

if someone knocks on your door and you ask "Who's there" and there is NO answer... do NOT open the door. if they cannot answer your simple question, why should you grant them access?

Don't follow the brave female.

It seems most modern horror movies have a brave female that gets caught up the horror.

Don't follow the brave female.

It seems most modern horror movies have a brave female that gets caught up the horror.

or the brave male... they tend to hunt out the killer.

When calling for police assistance, don't cry and/or scream for help from whatever the hell is attacking you. Police aid will inevitably arrive when the sun rises, all your friends are dead and you've had to shoot/stab/burn/blow up (or any combination of the above) your attacker(s) yourself.

Instead, calmly inform the police of your location, how many hostages you have (including orphan school children) and how many explosives you've hidden in the building.

Driving a Dodge Avenger automatically increases your survival potential.

If you're in a cabin in the woods and a guy knocks on your door and it looks like he has ebola or something, don't open the door.

Don't follow the German tourist into the Mexican jungle to look at the hidden Mayan pyramid that's not on the map.

If the beautiful girl who never notices you starts trying to hump your leg and she's not drunk, run.

Who would do this? If I hear screaming in an abandoned building, I run away.

Kiefer Sutherland evidently would. You might survive the movie, then.

Stay home and don't go anywhere. The world is full of bored psychotic sociopaths who have nothing better to do than put people in gory deathtraps for their own amusement or for some sort of "test".

Remember your best combos/special moves...and make sure you use the Fatality...

If you have lost all outside contact with the world after hearing terrifying reports in the news. Accept that the world has ended and prepare accordingly for the Mutants\Zombies\Cultists\demons that are bound to exist in this ruined world.

If you do come across military forces on the move be sure to find out what their goal is.

If it's a patrol on the lookout for survivors, you should join them as they return to base, however upon reaching the base run like hell because it will be overrun soon.

If it's a large scale force out to "Stop the bad things" just keep walking, they are going to get their ass handed to them.

If it's a group of Elite commandoes, avoid them unless you absolutely have to follow them, just expect to have to "Finish the job" when they get wiped out.

Don't go into the lake alone.

Don't do ANYTHING alone.

Don't get drunk, they always walk right up to the killer and get owned.

Firebombs work on almost everything,* Exceptions are the undead.

Do not let an idiot open the door to pick up the object or pet they own.

They whiny bitchy survivor who is constantly trying to convince people to follow their bad ideas? They're bait.

What I have learned from horror movies:


Don't go to Japan.

Don't marry someone who is from, or has been to, Japan.

Don't TALK to someone, who has been to Japan.

Don't cross the path of someone who has been to Japan.

Don't live in the same building as someone who has been to Japan... or who know's someone who has been to Japan.. or is related to someone, who knows someone, who has been to Japan.

China is as bad as Japan.

Singapore is as bad as China.

Thailand is as bad as Singapore.

Hong Kong counts as China.

1950s
When the fat small town sheriff says: 'You kids stop wasting my time and get the hell out of my office,' the blobby monstrosity is only seconds away. Start running now.

1960s
Experiments that involve radiation and animals that are (currently) small and harmless are a very bad idea.

1970s
The geeky but inoffensive corporate management person is up to no good.

1980s
Deserted buildings are bad news.

1990s
Urban myths are invariably true, and attempting to disprove them is merely a spectacular form of suicide.

2000s
See above, since they all appear to be remakes. Or flat-out gorefests where you will end up being horribly tortured to death so you may as well kill yourself now, painlessly, and avoid it.


Agreed. The classic survival codes still apply in modern films if only altered somewhat. So:
If some one next to you ask if you heard a noise; Run.

Female or transgender male wearing high-heels in spooky situation= Dead.

Jock, jerk, egomaniac, big head, blow hard, prankster= Going to get thier kamuffins; stand clear.

Remember when trying to escape remain a quiet as you can. Silence suspends any action, killer can't find you, and essentaily you can escape just by quietly walking out(just don't look back and continue untill you reach police). For pete sake don't run and scream like a little bitch; psychos hate that.

Whatever you do don't do anything which creates suspense. No right minded physcopath would kill someone without them slowly inching along the corridor to investigate something.

If you bizarely hear creepy/suspensey music run like shit. They always kill you when the stupid musics on.

Make friends with Keith David. He's one of the legendary indestructible exceptions to the Black Man Dies First Rule, and unless it's a sequel he's pretty much guaranteed to survive all the way to the end. And unlike that smart-ass girl, hanging around him won't get you killed either.

You missed the 80s classic sex is death genre.

AND/OR race, so the general rule is:
1. if you are black, you are a corpse, and
2. if you are female, blonde, and have shown your tits, you are a corpse.
...and invariably...
3. if you are brunette, and a complete bitch, you are worm-food,
4. ditto the smart nerd who figures the whole shooting match out.

Thanks for playing, don't forget to take the home game with you. :)