NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm beginning a collection of good, perhaps even great, comebacks. Please add yours, whether you read them somewhere, heard them from another person or even invented them yourself.

Three I absolutely love -

When confronted with a flasher:

"Oh my, assault with a dead weapon."

or

"It looks like a penis, only smaller."

these were from a book by Kathy Reichs.

confronting an obscene caller:

"What? No, I've heard that before. Come up with something original. Come on, you can do better than that."

From my son when he was 11 to a crank caller.

Never used this one yet, but I want to.

(When someone calls me ugly)

"Ugly. You called me ugly. Come on, that's not just unoriginal, that's so fucking passé. You have who knows how many similar adjectives to choose from, and yet you go for the most basic, the stupidest of all. For Christ's sake, use your goddamn brains! Think, think! How about hideous? Unattractive? Malformed? Deformed? Simian? Apelike? Hitleresque? Looking like the lovechild of Hitler and an ape? Seriously, people!"

I can't take credit for it, but I've used it.

"Please - I'd say you were conceived with a weak sperm. I'll bet your Dad was wackin' off and at the last possible second, your Mom sat on him."

I can't take credit for it, but I've used it.

"Please - I'd say you were conceived with a weak sperm. I'll bet your Dad was wackin' off and at the last possible second, your Mom sat on him."

"You were meant to be swallowed or a stain on the sheets."

"no u"

A man, to his bitchy ex-wife at their daughter's wedding, commenting on her recent change of appearance:

"You haven't lost a daughter, you've gained a ton."

-- Judd Hirsch, Taxi

Well, here in Finland we sometimes might tell someone who has said something funny "said your dad when he was making you" (might sound stupid translated, meaning the situation when the said person was conceived). E.g. one says "sorry, that was purely accidental" and you reply with that.

- you, sir, are a drunk

- madam, I may be a drunk but you're ugly and I will be sober in the morning.

(something like that I think)

some I have heard recently

after a comment on what a woman is lacking in:
like you can be picky

on a friend receiving an office job:
you can read?!

to a paramedic in uniform:
I'll have a 99 and a cone

after hearing a story about a local pet store flooding and killing all the animals:
what about the fish?

I don't know if this counts but:

*guy talking about how he will get the TV working*
try that button up there
*guy looks up*
*slap back of head*

Well, here in Finland we sometimes might tell someone who has said something funny "said your dad when he was making you"

:eek: its true what they say about the Finns isn't it!

yo mamma

Ooh Ooh,

Whenever some one says something like "You smell" you should always counter with "Better than you" - they never have anything to say to that.
It works with any insult of that structure like say "Cheap" you say something back like "Yet I'm richer than you" etc.

Or if they say any type of insult to you, you can always just go "Nuh uh I am teh 1337 haxor!"

yo mamma

And whenever some one says that to you you can always just say very loudly "Is better than yours!" or for a more typical chav response you can say "Well my mom can batter your mom so shut the fuck up".

To some guys who were bugging me on the bus:

"See that emergency exit? If you continue to bug me, there's your next stop."

They ran like rabbits. :D

To some guys who were bugging me on the bus:

"See that emergency exit? If you continue to bug me, there's your next stop."

They ran like rabbits. :D

In a fight situation you should totally be the quiet kick ass type, for effect, only ever saying few words, but those words say it all.

Just stare at them with a fixed smile. They'll be hugely disconcerted.

In a fight situation you should totally be the quiet kick ass type, for effect, only ever saying few words, but those words say it all.

Those were the only words I said to them. To add to the effect I was wearing sunglasses at the time.

Just stare at them with a fixed smile. They'll be hugely disconcerted.

Stare them straight in the eyes, unblinkingly with a weirdly blank smile :p

we were playing sand volleyball once, and a guy dove for a ball, resulting in his pants being filled with sand, to which he commented: It's like the Sahara down there!
My response was: why, 'cause no one ever goes there?
We couldn't play anymore volleyball, everyone was laughing so hard

Those were the only words I said to them. To add to the effect I was wearing sunglasses at the time.

Ooh what type of sunglasses?

Ooh what type of sunglasses?

The reflective type where there's no way you can see my eyes. A blank expression added to the effect.

we were playing sand volleyball once, and a guy dove for a ball, resulting in his pants being filled with sand, to which he commented: It's like the Sahara down there!
My response was: why, 'cause no one ever goes there?
We couldn't play anymore volleyball, everyone was laughing so hard

Lol :)

we were playing sand volleyball once, and a guy dove for a ball, resulting in his pants being filled with sand, to which he commented: It's like the Sahara down there!
My response was: why, 'cause no one ever goes there?
We couldn't play anymore volleyball, everyone was laughing so hard

Nice. You completely PWNED him.

yo mamma

yo father

"See that emergency exit? If you continue to bug me, there's your next stop."

you should never crowd fire escapes

Just stare at them with a fixed smile. They'll be hugely disconcerted.

then get a boner :wink:

we were playing sand volleyball once, and a guy dove for a ball, resulting in his pants being filled with sand, to which he commented: It's like the Sahara down there!
My response was: why, 'cause no one ever goes there?
We couldn't play anymore volleyball, everyone was laughing so hard

That reminds me of a time when my friend got punched and as he so said "I've had punches to the balls that hurt less than that!" and I said "That's cause your balls are tiny".

then get a boner :wink:

I just spat my cup of tea at the screen. :D

then get a boner :wink:

That only works if you're slowly stroking your crotch while you stare at them. ;)

- you, sir, are a drunk

- madam, I may be a drunk but you're ugly and I will be sober in the morning.

(something like that I think)

Churchill did have a way with words. That and this one were both (allegedly) by him to Lady Astor

-If you were my husband I'd put poison in your tea
-If you were my wife I'd drink it.

The reflective type where there's no way you can see my eyes. A blank expression added to the effect.

I don't wear cool glasses, I wear cool gloves (h)

I personally like to fix them with a mystified stare and ask, "You're spending the holidays with Aunt Momma and Uncle Daddy, aren't you?"

I personally like to fix them with a mystified stare and ask, "You're spending the holidays with Aunt Momma and Uncle Daddy, aren't you?"

Don't forget the quotes from Rural American psycho quotes.

I am so totally a Rennie Wench -- I often go to Renaissance Faires in full costume -- and one thing many of them have are dill pickle vendors. Given the shape of the pickles, they often amuse themselves by making risque comments... but usually just to folks in "mundane" clothes.

I'd decided to go "mundane" because at 96 degress it was just too freaking hot to go in layers and layers of corsets and dresses with trains. As I was headed for the food court I see this girl standing near a pickle vendor, looked about sixteen or so, tomato red and with a deer in the headlights look, and I hear him bantering with her about the size and shape of said pickle. She almost looked like she was going to cry.

I stroll up and say, "Good day to you, sir, have you got something for ME to wrap my lips around today?"

He stops dead in his patter, "Ah... um... that is...." and the girl faded off into the crowd.

"Well, I've seen your wares, and must admit I am MOST unimpressed. You'd best sell me a pickle, then." That got a couple laughs from people standing around.

He picked out a pickle for me without giving me the customary banter, I paid him and headed off, and hadn't gotten more than a few feet away when the young lady he'd been regaling stopped me and thanked me for the rescue. She said she really hadn't any idea of how to respond to it, so I just told her, "Just tell them to knock it off -- or if you prefer watching them swallow their own tongues, give it right back to them."

To an obscene phone call (from a woman ... pre-Caller ID)
Caller: * whispers of lots of nasty things she'd do to me *

Me: "Oh my God - you're acting like you know where I live!"

Caller: * of course I do *

Me: "OK. Come on over. Bring beer and chips too."

She never bothered me again.

'she should sue you!'

'yea well you should sue MacDonalds because they fucked you up!'

Hancock... Legendary

To an obscene phone call (from a woman ... pre-Caller ID)
Caller: * whispers of lots of nasty things she'd do to me *

Me: "Oh my God - you're acting like you know where I live!"

Caller: * of course I do *

Me: "OK. Come on over. Bring beer and chips too."

She never bothered me again.

:D

Well fine, next time I will bring the beer and chips.... ;)
Joke. JOKE. Wasn't me!

To an obscene phone call (from a woman ... pre-Caller ID)
Caller: * whispers of lots of nasty things she'd do to me *

Me: "Oh my God - you're acting like you know where I live!"

Caller: * of course I do *

Me: "OK. Come on over. Bring beer and chips too."

She never bothered me again.

Thats great :tongue:

When confronted with a flasher:

"Oh my, assault with a dead weapon."

or

"It looks like a penis, only smaller."
why say anything... just point, hold up your little finger and laugh out loud.

I am so totally a Rennie Wench -- I often go to Renaissance Faires in full costume -- and one thing many of them have are dill pickle vendors. Given the shape of the pickles, they often amuse themselves by making risque comments... but usually just to folks in "mundane" clothes.

I'd decided to go "mundane" because at 96 degress it was just too freaking hot to go in layers and layers of corsets and dresses with trains. As I was headed for the food court I see this girl standing near a pickle vendor, looked about sixteen or so, tomato red and with a deer in the headlights look, and I hear him bantering with her about the size and shape of said pickle. She almost looked like she was going to cry.

I stroll up and say, "Good day to you, sir, have you got something for ME to wrap my lips around today?"

He stops dead in his patter, "Ah... um... that is...." and the girl faded off into the crowd.

"Well, I've seen your wares, and must admit I am MOST unimpressed. You'd best sell me a pickle, then." That got a couple laughs from people standing around.

He picked out a pickle for me without giving me the customary banter, I paid him and headed off, and hadn't gotten more than a few feet away when the young lady he'd been regaling stopped me and thanked me for the rescue. She said she really hadn't any idea of how to respond to it, so I just told her, "Just tell them to knock it off -- or if you prefer watching them swallow their own tongues, give it right back to them."

(Immediately begins work as a pickle vendor)

I was sitting with some friends who were about to get wasted, I told them I wasn't in the mood, and they were like "you are such a pussy!" "Lightweight!" stuff like that, so my response...

"Ha ha ha, (face gets very serious) the government pays me to kill people."

They just gave me uneasy looks and walked to the booze cabinet :D

SNIP

thats quite a pickle that girl was in but I would of left it to ferment for awhile

I present to you a list of excellent insults. (http://www.worldofmi.com/gamehelp/insults/mi1.php)

thats quite a pickle that girl was in but I would of left it to ferment for awhile
Looked like she was getting a raw dill.

Another lovely set of insults: The Shakespearean Insult Kit (http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/insult.html)

I am so totally a Rennie Wench -- I often go to Renaissance Faires in full costume -- and one thing many of them have are dill pickle vendors. Given the shape of the pickles, they often amuse themselves by making risque comments... but usually just to folks in "mundane" clothes.

I'd decided to go "mundane" because at 96 degress it was just too freaking hot to go in layers and layers of corsets and dresses with trains. As I was headed for the food court I see this girl standing near a pickle vendor, looked about sixteen or so, tomato red and with a deer in the headlights look, and I hear him bantering with her about the size and shape of said pickle. She almost looked like she was going to cry.

I stroll up and say, "Good day to you, sir, have you got something for ME to wrap my lips around today?"

He stops dead in his patter, "Ah... um... that is...." and the girl faded off into the crowd.

"Well, I've seen your wares, and must admit I am MOST unimpressed. You'd best sell me a pickle, then." That got a couple laughs from people standing around.

He picked out a pickle for me without giving me the customary banter, I paid him and headed off, and hadn't gotten more than a few feet away when the young lady he'd been regaling stopped me and thanked me for the rescue. She said she really hadn't any idea of how to respond to it, so I just told her, "Just tell them to knock it off -- or if you prefer watching them swallow their own tongues, give it right back to them."

I used to be an actor at the SoCal RenFaire. We're given classes in Elizabethan insults and in how to read people so we can back off before it gets to that point. unfortunately, the vendors aren't. Btw, if you think visiting Faire is fun, try working it. It's the most fun I've ever had standing up.

I used to be an actor at the SoCal RenFaire. We're given classes in Elizabethan insults and in how to read people so we can back off before it gets to that point. unfortunately, the vendors aren't. Btw, if you think visiting Faire is fun, try working it. It's the most fun I've ever had standing up.
I've thought about it. :) And friends of mine have been vendors

And yeah, my reading of it was that he wasn't omg pervy evil, but he either didn't realize he was really upsetting her or needed a little nudge to say, "Not so much fun when you're on the receiving end, eh?"

Looked like she was getting a raw dill.

Another lovely set of insults: The Shakespearean Insult Kit (http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/insult.html)

*looks at list*

You... jarring guts-griping harpy!

*looks at list*

You... jarring guts-griping harpy!
I love thou too, thou artless, beetle-headed apple-john! ;)

I am better at sarcastic remarks. Just yesterday I said to my mother "do I need a passport for this guilt trip?".... didn't go over well, but it got her to shut up a bit before she started screaming at me about something else.

I was being heckled on stage once and this guy is like "you suck!" and so I replied "yeah! but not you!" and he turned all red and smoke came out of his ears and was like "you aren't funny you twat!" and I was like "you're fucking hilarious though! I bet your mom laughed her ass off last night!" and then he started coming to the stage and the big bouncer guy told him he had to go home. :tongue:

My mom found this one recently somewhere online, and I'm adding it to my list:

A kid, tired of listening to his gym teacher's same old rant about being cooperative, remarked:

"There may not be an 'i' in 'team,' but there is a 'u' in stupid."

And for the grammar nazis out there, another gem from Winston Churchill:

Some woman (probably Nancy Astor ;)) was scolding him for ending sentences with prepositions, to which he reportedly replied:

"That, madam, is the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put."

I am better at sarcastic remarks. Just yesterday I said to my mother "do I need a passport for this guilt trip?".... didn't go over well, but it got her to shut up a bit before she started screaming at me about something else.

I was being heckled on stage once and this guy is like "you suck!" and so I replied "yeah! but not you!" and he turned all red and smoke came out of his ears and was like "you aren't funny you twat!" and I was like "you're fucking hilarious though! I bet your mom laughed her ass off last night!" and then he started coming to the stage and the big bouncer guy told him he had to go home. :tongue:

Oh, my god. That is hilarious, and I am absolutely using the guilt trip one on my mom...oh, man. I am honestly cracking up right now.

Ask if you can get sky-miles for it. ;)

"Yeah but your mother". Subtle, yet effective.

"Yeah but your mother". Subtle, yet effective.

"That's what she said", or, alternatively, "That's what your mom told me last night"

I'm not sure if it counts as a comeback, but faking a stroke always throws people off.

"Yes, I am a Jew, and when the ancestors of the right honorable gentleman were brutal savages in an unknown island, mine were priests in the temple of Solomon." Benjamin Disreali

Ask if you can get sky-miles for it. ;)

I usually comment on Frequent Flyer miles myself.

I am better at sarcastic remarks. Just yesterday I said to my mother "do I need a passport for this guilt trip?".... didn't go over well, but it got her to shut up a bit before she started screaming at me about something else.

Does that qualify as sarcasm? </british>

"That's what she said."

This one only works if you insert it into a dialogue in which it doesn't make any sense.

I remember using this once. Some friend of mine described a night out that was rather disturbing. After the long tale, I stood dumbfounded, and he questioned whether I was still a rational thinking human being. After wasting an hour of my life listening to his tales of exploits, I spoke the first thing to come to mind.

"You have a natural ability to make people stupid."

Needless to say, he took it as a joke.

While you were talking to my cut up I went to your house and slept with your wife/girlfriend.