NationStates Jolt Archive

WEll I"m bored and have been feeling a lag in my creative skills lately (not that there is much there to begin with)...and was wondering If I could receive a honest opinion on some of my poetry...I am not in possession of an overinflated ego, so if you hate it then tell me, criticism will only make my amature little attempts better....cheers hope you enjoy....:)

Here are a few I selected for review (my best one is not here, because i do not have it on computer)


1.

Hours.
This counting of the day.
One by one the seconds fall.
Minute, hours, start their crawl.
Building up our hopes, and encompassing our dreams.
Until we walk…
Across the face of our ever present moon.
God thinks well of us…
To trace our days.


2.

The Drastic-Majestic

I hold your hand,and yours in mine,
you know we do this everytime,
that in the pain,or love,of war,
we can not hide behind the door,
I take a chance,to let you see,
a deeper,darker,side of me,
that is not always on display,
Please look at me,and don''t dismay,
cause in your eyes,I see a light,
through cracks,through scars,
so let me see,a part of you that fights to be,alone,away,from all the sound,
the never ending spinning round,
that sad old song,that does delay,
the wish,the thought, the dream,
that there is something wrong?
and,of course there is, your still alive,they said,
then take the gun,and end it still,
and make a use of all the pills,
to hold the knife,with no delay,
make it quick,there''s time to waste...

3.


(no exact time nor place)

(i) .felt as if the world was my own.
.that all i had to do was reach and i would have what i want.

(but) things. ("they" say) are not always as they seem.


.and what may appear to be obvious. may be the most hidden.


(and i realized) that unlike i was told.

(i) would not be a movie star.
(i) would not be a millionaire.
(i) would not achieve greatness.

(i) would be me.


and. you know what.(I)am okay with that.(really)

4. (work in progress)

the childhood games.
they call us.
beckon forth.
those days, so long ago.
the winterbourne.
our sea of nero.
played host.
to games of ours.
at our pleasure.
at our whim.
we soar.
above.
the tree of life.
the lowest branch.
the highest rung.
our hands like birds.
the sky.
was ours to hold.
with Daedalus above.
And Icarus Below.
the middle ground was ours.
to have.
to hold.

Interesting... you certainly have a vivid imagination.

"I fear that I shall never see... my cateracts are blinding me..."

Thank you....I think?

*grin*

Thank you....I think?

Don't worry, it was a compliment.

Good stuff.

I write a bit of poetry myself-got started in english class. I write mostly haikus, but not the strict rigid kind. It's really just for me and my friends.

I'm not as disciplined as some. ;):salute:

Thank you for sharing, it takes alot nowadays!

Keep up the good work.

LOL...thank you

Yeah I've never liked the rigid rhymeing poetry myself either...less room for expression...spend half your time on the rhythm , less on the actual meaning of the poem...

Very artsy (Compliment). My creativity isn't as poetic (Pun unintended) as yours.:(

Very good though. *Bookmarks page*

Well done. Like the Kid Icarus reference in 4. Was it a reference? I don't know... Point is, good job.

Good stuff.

I write a bit of poetry myself-got started in english class. I write mostly haikus, but not the strict rigid kind.

No offense (really, I don't mean to be an ass), but if you don't follow the rigid form of a haiku, you aren't writing a haiku, you're writing a short poem. A haiku as a form of poetry only has meaning when you follow its rules.

#1 and #4 are better. #2 is trying too hard to encompass something large in a sweeping romantic way. #3 feels like you're trying to force your way into cummings' mind. You're thinking more about the typography than the content.

LOL...It is overly cummingesque isn't it...I really don't consider part of my poetry...It's a diddy that I peeled off my nexopia...i just wanted it rated...*shrugs*

I'm done some other poetry in his style (which I deeply admire) that has turned out much better...Unfortunately I left the only copies of those poems I had...In an Art Gallery...*dang*

Thank you for this...it's actually quite insightful..

:salute:

No offense (really, I don't mean to be an ass), but if you don't follow the rigid form of a haiku, you aren't writing a haiku, you're writing a short poem. A haiku as a form of poetry only has meaning when you follow its rules.

Actually, haiku is more complicated than that even. Most people just write in the 5-7-5 form and leave it at that, but it involves more complicated rules of symbolism: for example, traditional haiku is about nature, involves a seasonal word that signifies the time of the year, etc. So if you're only following the syllabic structure, it's not a haiku, it's a poem in haiku form, which is a small but important distinction. That said, most people just shorten the latter to "haiku" because no one except traditional Japanese, weeabos, and English majors care about making the distinction.

TMB:
You seem to be a student of E. E. Cummings.


I can't stand E. E. Cummings.

But I do recognize that he isn't necessarily bad, just not to my taste.

That said, I don't particularly see the point in using a comma without a space after it, since a comma indicates a short pause but the lack of a space seems to indicate that one should read it quickly, and anyways there's a meter there so it's read to the meter regardless of the punctuation.

Actually, haiku is more complicated than that even. Most people just write in the 5-7-5 form and leave it at that, but it involves more complicated rules of symbolism: for example, traditional haiku is about nature, involves a seasonal word that signifies the time of the year, etc. So if you're only following the syllabic structure, it's not a haiku, it's a poem in haiku form, which is a small but important distinction. That said, most people just shorten the latter to "haiku" because no one except traditional Japanese, weeabos, and English majors care about making the distinction.

Yeah, when I said "structure" I meant the content too, the set up and insight, nature, etc.

*hangs head, raises hand* English major.


That said, I don't particularly see the point in using a comma without a space after it, since a comma indicates a short pause but the lack of a space seems to indicate that one should read it quickly, and anyways there's a meter there so it's read to the meter regardless of the punctuation.

Agreed, and I love cummings. But I think his most effective poems use typography in a way that enhances and sculpts the poem. True there is natural meter, but a poem is more than the words, it's the visual of them on the page, the shape of them, their place relative to each other and the space or lack between.

/nerd

Yeah, when I said "structure" I meant the content too, the set up and insight, nature, etc.

*hangs head, raises hand* English major.

Me, too.

Agreed, and I love cummings. But I think his most effective poems use typography in a way that enhances and sculpts the poem. True there is natural meter, but a poem is more than the words, it's the visual of them on the page, the shape of them, their place relative to each other and the space or lack between.

Indeed. Only use a comma if you intend for it to actually signify something. And 99% of the time people will think it signifies a slight pause, so if you use it to signify something other than a slight pause, be aware that most people will still try to put the slight pause there.

/nerd

English major...nerd...semantics.

I like how this slowly became a discussion on the structure and style of poetry...

1,3 and 4 suck, 2 is very good.