NationStates Jolt Archive

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.

Call the Ghostbusters.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.


Sound like you got feeling for the lass, other then that what has this guy done to make you think so low of him? they been together 4 years so it not likely he a fuck em and dump em type

What makes you say he is a pervert and abusive?

Sound like you got feeling for the lass, other then that what has this guy done to make you think so low of him? they been together 4 years so it not likely he a fuck em and dump em type

It has nothing to do with "feelings", thank you very much.

He never opens the door for her, he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.. He has no respect for her.

I would call the police, and have them arrest him for being abusive. You would know what's best for her, so it's no point in delaying action by going through her parents. After all, if he can manipulate her into still wanting to be with him, I'm sure he can manipulate them as well.

If calling the police is going a step to far, you should gather your mutual friends and stage an intervention. With a little help and guidance she can be reprogrammed, but you should act quickly.
This thread has some potential - well done! :P

What makes you say he is a pervert and abusive?

He's sexually harassing her and making her defend him when she should know better.

It has nothing to do with "feelings", thank you very much.

Fair enough i thought the tone of the post suggested otherwise

He never opens the door for her, he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.. He has no respect for her.

Why should he? mate, it not the 1950's anymore. Paying for stuff is not a sign of respect.

He's sexually harassing her and making her defend him when she should know better.

Sexually harassing? how? And from your account of course she going defend him
if you said some against my partner i would defend her, and we not in a abusive relationship

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

Defending your partner when someone starts paying them out means they are in an obvious relationship? There must be a hell of a lot of abusive relationships out there, please explain. I thought they would be more likely to defend themselves and justify why they are still in a relationship.

You say he has never impressed you why? What hasn't he or has he done?

I have a friend who has been in a relationship with a guy for about four years now and I don't understand what she sees in him, and this guy is my best friend. But I can see that they are in love with each other and I don't interfere unless I have to i.e. she was cheating on him.

How old is she?

There's only so much you can do without threatening your friendship with her. Telling her parents will inevitably wheel around to you and she'll know where it came from. This guy sounds like a jackass, enough said about that. Like I said, just be there as a crutch and continue being a friend because that's what she needs...friends. It's unavoidable that she'll be hurt in this relationship (hopefully not physically though other forms are just as bad). This is a situation that she'll probably just have to weather through and learn from her mistakes.

No sex for four years and you call him a pervert. If he just wanted sex with her he must have the patience of a saint. Why is he a pervert?

Ooooh, burn. Bad Ruffy.

I would call the police, and have them arrest him for being abusive. You would know what's best for her, so it's no point in delaying action by going through her parents. After all, if he can manipulate her into still wanting to be with him, I'm sure he can manipulate them as well.

This is a good idea. Legal action can bring greater justice to my friend and if I can't talk some sense into her by Friday, this is what I'll do.
If calling the police is going a step to far, you should gather your mutual friends and stage an intervention. With a little help and guidance she can be reprogrammed, but you should act quickly.
I've been trying to get them to help me save her, but they don't seem as concerned. I've had to break off contact with some of them because of their ignorance.
Fair enough i thought the tone of the post suggested otherwise
So you have to have feelings for someone to be genuinely concerned for them? I disagree.
Why should he? mate, it not the 1950's anymore.
If you're going to shrug the abuses off as if they're nothing, maybe you should reexamine your own relationship instead of offering advice.

I don't think it is any of your business who she has sex with, and going to her parents telling tales is not the act of a friend.

if it is indeed a bad relationship its for HER to deal with, not you.

this guy isnt abusing her. he must have feelings for her, they have been together for YEARS.

if he isnt good enough for her (or to her) she is the one who is going to have to decide that.

all you can do is to look out for her. if he really doesnt love her, she is going to be dumped soon. if he loves her but isnt good enough, its going to be a slow process of her realizing that she deserves better.

dont bad mouth him. just be there for her when she complains and GENTLY, SUBTLY point out that he isnt treating her right. if you go too hard, she'll defend him and youll lose a friend. if you do it right, when the day comes that she has had enough, she will remember what you said and it will be easier on her self esteem when they break up.

Well sadly I fail to understand the weakness of people, and as such I simply poke them with a stick till they do something.

So you have to have feelings for someone to be genuinely concerned for them? I disagree.

I never said that, i just said that i think that the tone of your post suggest that in this case you do. No offense.

If you're going to shrug the abuses off as if they're nothing, maybe you should reexamine your own relationship instead of offering advice.

What abuses, all you said is that he dose not pay for her meals etc.. you given no real example of abuse. Why do i need to reexamine my relationship, there is no abuse within.

It has nothing to do with "feelings", thank you very much.

He never opens the door for her, he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.. .


That doesn't constitute "abuse". Also, you described him as a "pervert". Might I ask why?

It has nothing to do with "feelings", thank you very much.

The Nile isn't just a river in Egypt. You may not realise it, but there is passion to your tone, which says, there are feelings involved. (Though those could be platonic and nothing more).

He never opens the door for her, he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.. He has no respect for her.

...really? That's a problem because that sounds normal for this century and decade. So he doesn't pay for everything. Exactly how is that a problem?

You know, it sounds like you're the one reading too much into this.

This guy waited four years for sex and you call him a pervert? That guy has a hell of a lot of patience, more than any of my male friends. That doesn't sound like the behaviour of a guy dying to get into this girl's pants.

It would be a bad idea for you to get her parents involved if she is legal age. If you do, you will likely lose a friend.

is it just me or is the op joking?

This is a good idea. Legal action can bring greater justice to my friend and if I can't talk some sense into her by Friday, this is what I'll do.
Yay! I helped :D

is it just me or is the op joking?

it seems like an extension of the il ruffino persona.

is it just me or is the op joking?

Its entirely possible. But this is the intarweb...ye never know...

Try figuring out which of them is likely to leave due to cheating. Then drop hints that the other one is cheating. If you create an atmosphere of distrust, one of them will eventually break up with the other.

Ruff ol man, you havn't convinced me there is anything wrong here... four years before having sex is about 4 years longer than I've had a non-sexual relationship of that nature and in today's day and age its perfectly acceptable to not pay for everything on a date... I used to date a woman who insisted on paying for me. What evidence of sexual harrassment is there? Is he constantly groping her or making lude comments? Have you ever seen evidence of him hitting or insulting her? Its not always obvious but to me Ruff its sounds like you might just be jealous.

i can never tell with ruffy's posts if he's bullshitting or not :confused:

Please make a list of aggrievances, besides the not paying for stuff. What kind of abuse? Otherwise, nothing wrong there, from my view.

is it just me or is the op joking?

More of a parody, really. ;)

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.

Serious answer: Mind your own business.
Silly answer: Make sure you also follow her around, take pictures, penny her boyfriend into the bathroom at the movies so she thinks he just left here there, and above all, drop over uninvited ESPECIALLY when you think they're having sex.

:salute:

It has nothing to do with "feelings", thank you very much.

He never opens the door for her, he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.. He has no respect for her.

...

You 'know she needs you to save her'?

Let me ask...do you know what is the absolutely most dangerous situation for law enforcement to walk in on? Domestic abuse. Why? Because the 'victim' will often do just about anything to protect the abuser...YOU will become the enemy.

Be her friend. Let her cry on your shoulder. Give her advice, voice your concerns even...but if you push, you're going to lose her.

More of a parody, really. ;)

Indeed.

When faced with this situation Il Ruffington Del Ruffino, you'll find lots of people providing advice that is so-o-o...whatever.

If you like a girl/boy and s/he's going out with someone you don't like, there is no harm in stepping up to the plate and seeing what you can get.

People often think you need to trash talk the boyfriend but, actually, you need to put him on a pedestal, talk him up, make it a pedestal that she realises he doesn't actually stand on, a pedestal that, perhaps, you belong on.

Build him up, she'll knock him down.

People say this is the attitude of an asshole and, in many ways, it probably is, but then given that without a God we're also without morality, I say...

...carpe diem - where 'Carpe' means 'fuck' and 'diem' means 'her'

Just my 2c

is it just me or is the op joking?

Well it IS Ruffy.

More of a parody, really. ;)

Ugh, is this from GM?
nm, carry on.

Ugh, is this from GM?
o_O No.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. <snip all the rest of the story because it's neither your goddamned business or ours, on account of the bolded part I didn't snip>
This is why you should just shut up and let her have her life.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.
Um...stalk much? Obsess a bit?

How would you handle this situation?
A) Get over yourself. She wants him, not you. Learn to cope.

B) Please don't waste other people's time with your self-pitying complaints. Thanks.

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.
Um...control freak much? Yeah, this and the other comments make me think you'd be a muuuuuuuch better boyfriend than the guy that splits the tab on their dates. Not.

I chose to use the above harsh tone because (A) I think you're bullshitting us, and (B) if you're serious, that makes it even worse.

The good part of your OP is that it serves as an illustrative example for everyone else: If you find yourself having thoughts like these, see a therapist to get your conflicted feelings resolved immediately, before you do something really stupid that you'll regret because of the unhappiness and restraining orders it will bring you.

The good part of your OP is that it serves as an illustrative example for everyone else: If you find yourself having thoughts like these, see a therapist to get your conflicted feelings resolved immediately, before you do something really stupid that you'll regret because of the unhappiness and restraining orders it will bring you.

This.

*nods, cuz apparently one word is too little to post*

Indeed.

i can never tell with ruffy's posts if he's bullshitting or not :confused:

I'm not sure even Ruffy knows anymore.

Indeed.

Well what the heck.

Well what the heck.


:salute:
The restriction is that it needs more than five characters now.

The good part of your OP is that it serves as an illustrative example for everyone else: If you find yourself having thoughts like these, see a therapist to get your conflicted feelings resolved immediately, before you do something really stupid that you'll regret because of the unhappiness and restraining orders it will bring you.
So, I would say that you're extremely correct.

And it's almost like this is a parody directed at a certain poster who really should take that good advice, and not a serious thread!

...


Naaaah. Ruffy doesn't joke about such things. :salute:

Ruffy, next time you see both of them, take off all of her clothes and dance on her to get the guy to be violent with you to show how sick and perverted he is.

Am I the only person thinking threesome? Just throw it out there and see how it goes over.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.
I would just be happy for her, sounds like a stable relationship. of course, this is only going by your description. Enjoy her happiness.

He never opens the door for her, he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.. He has no respect for her.
THE BASTARD!!! not always treating her like a fragile china doll? He should be castrated!!! :soap:

The only possible way to settle this is for you to challenge the cad to a duel wot.

Once you've stabbed the bounder in the face your lady friend will finally realise you are the man for her.

Hire a mariachi band to perform Avril Lavigne's "I Don't Like Your Girlfriend" (changing the word "girlfriend" to "boyfriend") outside her window every night for the next six months. By the end of that time, I sure she'll realize the folly of her ways and she will grovel at your feet.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.

Honestly, I've no idea of the provenance of the OP, so here are separate responses for a few potential possibilities.

IF IT'S BULLSHIT: Ruffy, if you're going to pull General's collective leg, you've got to do a better job.

IF IT'S PARODY DESIGNED TO ILLUSTRATE SOMEONE ELSE'S FOLLY: I suppose it's one way to get someone's attention. I know that when someone thinks they're in love, reason isn't always in the house. Here's hoping your blatant approach works.

IF IT'S A LEGITIMATE POST: The Ruffino doth prostest too much, methinks. You sound petulant, paranoid and unreasonable. Move on.

You really should have him arrested. If the police won't help, you'll simply have to shoot him. For the sake of your friend!

You really should have him arrested. If the police won't help, you'll simply have to shoot him. For the sake of your friend!

'Nuke him from orbit, it's the only way to be sure'

The solution is simple. Kill him and ensure no one ever finds his body.

'nuke Him From Orbit, It's The Only Way To Be Sure'

the Solution Is Simple. Kill Him And Ensure No One Ever Finds His Body.

Hivemind.

Hivemind.

Monkey.

I think that, unless she's like twelve, its alright for her to be having sex with her boyfriend. Also, wanting to have sex doesn't really make you a pervert. Don't tell her parents about her having sex, that's a dick move, she'll almost definitely never forgive you. If you really seriously think she is being abused then let somebody know, but having sex =/= being abused.

So, I would say that you're extremely correct.

And it's almost like this is a parody directed at a certain poster who really should take that good advice, and not a serious thread!

...


Naaaah. Ruffy doesn't joke about such things. :salute:
Well, then feel free to cut and paste my comments into that other thread, and then let's have another intervention thread in which we explain to Ruffino how to tell a joke.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.

Mind your own business. I'll say it again - mind your own business.

Mind your own business. I'll say it again - mind your own business.

Where's the fun in that?

Sound like you got feeling for the lass, other then that what has this guy done to make you think so low of him? they been together 4 years so it not likely he a fuck em and dump em type

This is exactly what I was thinking. I'd like you to expound on this. Going out for 4 years and finally having sex does not make him the "out for one thing" kind of guy. I also agree that it seems you are creating this negative affect because you want this girl. I'd like to know more about why he is a bad guy who is misusing her.

I would call the police, and have them arrest him for being abusive. You would know what's best for her, so it's no point in delaying action by going through her parents. After all, if he can manipulate her into still wanting to be with him, I'm sure he can manipulate them as well.

If calling the police is going a step to far, you should gather your mutual friends and stage an intervention. With a little help and guidance she can be reprogrammed, but you should act quickly.
This thread has some potential - well done! :P

This was the funniest thing all day.

He's sexually harassing her and making her defend him when she should know better.

Sexually harassing her by kissing her? I'm not sure I understand what you are talking about.

Edit: If he's not threatening her life, to harm her or her family, then he's not "making" her do anything.

Mind your own business. I'll say it again - mind your own business.We don't do that here.

Going out for 4 years and finally having sex does not make him the "out for one thing" kind of guy.

Sure it does. He's just determined and patient. And probably has a few other girls.

It has nothing to do with "feelings", thank you very much.

He never opens the door for her, he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.. He has no respect for her.

Please expound on why he doesn't respect her. A man not "always" paying for meals and movie tickets does not make him disrespectful. In modern America people handle things differently than in the 50's. There was a time when a man would pay for everything, hold every door, lay their jacket over a puddle...Some women find this to be a little demeaning as well. You just haven't shown us much of what makes him so bad besides your own opinion.

This is a good idea. Legal action can bring greater justice to my friend and if I can't talk some sense into her by Friday, this is what I'll do.

I've been trying to get them to help me save her, but they don't seem as concerned. I've had to break off contact with some of them because of their ignorance.

So you have to have feelings for someone to be genuinely concerned for them? I disagree.

If you're going to shrug the abuses off as if they're nothing, maybe you should reexamine your own relationship instead of offering advice.

Wow, something tells me that Ruffy missed the sarcasm.

Wow, something tells me that Ruffy missed the sarcasm.

Yeah, some things just fly right over Ruffy's head.

*snip*

She is sooo lucky to have such a sweet and concerned friend like you! So often our friends just listen to what we say and don't bother to dig up the real emotional trauma we don't even know we're experiencing and save us from it. It's sad. :(

Anyway, I think the answer here is pretty obvious: you need to bone your friend.

Yeah, some things just fly right over Ruffy's head.

He really needs to find the humorous side of life, for sure.

So, I would say that you're extremely correct.

And it's almost like this is a parody directed at a certain poster who really should take that good advice, and not a serious thread!

...


Naaaah. Ruffy doesn't joke about such things. :salute:

I'm surprised at you, Gravlen. This girl is obviously stuck in a bad relationship and you're making it into a joke. This is why abuse continues every day. :(

Seriously though bud, if you have enough friends, I suggest and intervention. Get her out of there and talk to her!

She is sooo lucky to have such a sweet and concerned friend like you! So often our friends just listen to what we say and don't bother to dig up the real emotional trauma we don't even know we're experiencing and save us from it. It's sad. :(

Anyway, I think the answer here is pretty obvious: you need to bone your friend.

Obviously, Ruffy is unacquainted with ladder theory.

When ever your around them every once in a while lick her. That should sway her your way and he will run off.

I'm surprised at you, Gravlen. This girl is obviously stuck in a bad relationship and you're making it into a joke. This is why abuse continues every day. :(

So a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar...

When ever your around them every once in a while lick her. That should sway her your way and he will run off.

What about pulling out his massive uber-erection?

Wow. Judging the fact that you think her parents have any say, I assume y'all are tots in the free public school system. I'm basing my responce on that:

First off, 4 years? Come on, man. If you've lost friends and tried to break them up for that long, it aint happenin'. There is a saying that if you have a problem with a lot of people, maybe the problem is you.

Secondly, stop. Just stop. Girls and guys can be non-sexual friends, but with her, I don't think you are capable. So either leave her alone, or she will leave you alone.

And thirdly, is there a reason his abuse is not paying for everything? Hell, if a guy didn't open doors for me, my fiance and I would never have hit date number three. Sometimes guys don't have thismodeled for them. Sometimes, it is unwelcome. I like my reltionship to be 50/50. My fiance doesn't pay for everything, and that is MY choice. Maybe she feels the same?

And maybe you are the cad who needs a lesson in bugging off!

Love. Sex. It's all Nature's way of getting instinct-ignoring humans to reproduce.

When ever your around them every once in a while lick her. That should sway her your way and he will run off.

Oh man! Ruffy, no poking! Ruffy no poking! RUFFY, NO POKING!!!

Drink some beer, ruffy.

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g284/JRT6/mot-posters-solace.jpg

Sleep with the boyfriend. Then she will leave him.




Seriously though, thisthread is a great piece of satire.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.

Ok, first, my observations:

1) You are most likely male, and emotionally invested in this girl. You say she's just a friend, but you've hoped for much more for a long time.

2) She's been with this other guy for 4 years. So they are probably familiar enough with each other that there isn't quite as much need for propiety or etiquette between them.

3) You are also a virgin, and have some preconceived notions about sex.


THE SOLUTION:

1) As you are currently trying to play the white knight, you will probably not derive any satisfaction in the long term from any of your plans or goals at this point, if things play out in the short term the way you want, you will suffer in the long run. This is the curse of the White Knight.

2) You are always there to comfort her, to talk to her, to give her attention. Subconsciously she knows this, and for that reason, she's not the least bit attracted to being with you as more than a friend. It's like Playing a video game you've already beaten without dying even once. Direct your attentions to another girl, a single girl. This will both give you more relationship experience, and at the same time make the girl a bit jealous for your attention, and more likely to listen to your opinions.

3) Never talk badly of her boyfriend, if she talks badly of him, YOU should make excuses for him. "He's probably just acting weird because he's got a finals exam that he is nervous about..." Stuff like that. This will cause her to see you, NOT as the adversary of her relationship, but rather someone who understands both her AND her BF. Only when she starts saying bad stuff about him with FIRM CONVICTION, should you stop making excuses for him, but STILL DON'T SLANDER HIM. Say things like, "I don't think he'd do that, but wow! That would be awful of him." or "Maybe he's just not understanding you...."

Perform all of this well, and in no time, she'll most likely be wishing she were with you instead of him.

Wow. Judging the fact that you think her parents have any say, I assume y'all are tots in the free public school system.

You got something to say about the free public school system?

Pfffftt. . . clearly no one understands the situation at hand!

Mister Ruffino, the problem lies in her not understanding the gravity of the situation, and more importantly, your impotence in persuading her of the situation! The obvious solution is to tell her you have something very important to tell her, in the woods.

When she arrives, you must then douse yourself in gasoline, and hold a lighter over your head (preferably one of those more expensive kind that don't go out when you drop it). Now you tell her the truth about her so called "boyfriend" and tell her that to prove your accusations, you shall light yourself on fire! That should convince her of her mistake.

Well, good luck! Oh, and if you are in California, make sure to bring a fire extinguisher. We don't need any more forest fires.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it. I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me. When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting. Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert. She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.

How would you handle this situation?

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.

Let me get this right, you have a friend that has been dating the same bloke for 4 years, has only just had sex, you call him a pervert, she gets upset and you wionder why?


Shit people are fuckin' strange.

One question that hasn't yet been asked...

You choose WALL-E as the film that takes them over the edge?

Is it that good a film?

Let me get this right, you have a friend that has been dating the same bloke for 4 years, has only just had sex, you call him a pervert, she gets upset and you wionder why?


Shit people are fuckin' strange.

In my day, they used to call people like Ruffy "shy". Now they call it "stalking".

There's clearly only one thing to do. Tie him up and put him in a sack with snakes. Things will sort themselves out after that.

I have a friend that just had sex for the first time with her boyfriend and she doesn't regret it.Okay. What's the problem? I have told her on many occasions the facts about sex and how the guy isn't having sex with her because he "loves" her but because he just wants to have sex for the sake of sex.That's a "fact" about sex? Huh, news to me!

They've been together for the past four years and never once has he impressed me.Is there some rule that says your friend's lover has to "impress" you? I can name half a dozen friends whose partners do not "impress" me, but I've never taken that as a cause for "saving." As long as they're happy... well, I might advise different choices, but not strongly enough to meddle.

When I hang out with them I notice how he's always kissing her, and while she looks like she enjoys it, I know deep down inside she is hurting.If it "looks" like she enjoys it, how do you "know" that "deep down inside" she is "hurting"? Has she said something to you? Or are you psychic?

Yesterday when she told me that they had sex when they came home from seeing WAL-E on Friday night, I expressed my concern about her dating a pervert.Could you be more specific? In what way is he a pervert? So far, he seems like an unimpressive adolescent who likes to make out. Sounds pretty normal to me!!!

She became upset and started defending him (an obvious sign of an abusive relationship) and told me to mind my own business.Uhh... if defending someone you love is an "obvious sign" of an abusive relationship... what isn't???

I know she needs me to save her from this guy, but I just don't know what I could possibly do to make her understand that her boyfriend is a bad person.Is he a bad person? Or are you just jealous?

Can you point to something more concrete? Something specific? Something that doesn't make him sound like every other teenage boy on the planet?

How would you handle this situation?If she's not in any actual DANGER from this guy (and nothing you've said suggests she is), just cool it and be there for her when SHE decides she needs you. Pushing her on this is, I guarantee you, only going to push her away from you... and then you won't be in a position to "save" anyone.

I've been thinking about telling her parents, since they have more authority over her.If you want to end your friendship, go right ahead.

But I'd reserve a move like that for a situation in which you think she's in danger. He's hitting her, he's coercing her, he's threatening her. In that case, it might be worth it to end the friendship (which might still happen, mind you), because you really would be saving your friend.

Carpet bombing solves all problems.

He never opens the door for her,Oh no!!

"Never"? Inconsiderate, maybe, but hardly a "pervert."

he doesn't always pay for her meals, movie tickets, etc.."Doesn't always"? Why should he have to?

Besides, guys who DO insist on paying for everything tend to think, somewhere in their muddled psyche, that they are accruing some sort of sexual "debt." Guys who pay for dinner get surly when they don't get a kiss at the end of the date. They paid their part, they figure... now it's her turn.

Honestly, in my experience it's the guys who insist on paying for EVERYTHING that are the biggest assholes.

He has no respect for her.That may be true, but you also seem to have a screwy notion of respect. A man's paying for a woman's every need, opening every door... this is not respect. It never was.

I watched Wall-E on Friday.... creepy

This is a good idea. Legal action can bring greater justice to my friend and if I can't talk some sense into her by Friday, this is what I'll do.Before you go running off to the police, might we have a general list of his illegal activities? What has he done for which he could be prosecuted?

Perhaps more to the point, what has he done for which he could be prosecuted without testimony from his girlfriend? It doesn't sound like she's going to suddenly "understand" when you stick the cops on the guy.

I've been trying to get them to help me save her, but they don't seem as concerned. I've had to break off contact with some of them because of their ignorance.When no one else seems concerned, and you're not able to provide any specifics besides "he kisses her and I KNOW against all objective evidence that she doesn't want it"... uh, ever consider the possibility that your friends might be right?

So you have to have feelings for someone to be genuinely concerned for them?No, but this is feeling a bit obsessive right now, which usually speaks to something more than friendly concern.

If you're going to shrug the abuses off as if they're nothing, maybe you should reexamine your own relationship instead of offering advice.I wouldn't shrug any abuses off as "nothing." So far I'm just waiting to read an account of anything objectively abusive.