NationStates Jolt Archive

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

So tell me divorcees and long-term-relationship leavers...what was your break-up like? Nice? Nasty? Short, drawn-out? What wisdom did you take from your experiences?

Wow... You are a lot more enthusiastic then I'd expect...

I'm too young to have gone through a divorce, but I teach kids, so I see where divorce hurts. A lot.

If it was so bad you kept leaving THAT many times, you have my congratz for making life better for yourself.

Wow... You are a lot more enthusiastic then I'd expect...

You have no idea how hard it was to finally get him to let go...damn right I'm enthusiastic...I thought I was going to have to stick it out more years.

That's not to say I don't have compassion for him, and that I don't mourn the passing of the relationship. I do. In particular, I feel terrible for our kids.

But when he suggested that we stay together FOR the kids, and that I give him sex because relationships are about compromise (despite the fact that I can't stand him touching me) I sort of realised that there was no bridging our differences.

I feel lighter, and happy overall, yes, as hard as it is.

congratulations!

you put divorce in quotations and wrote "seperation papers". are you really divorced--all over, free to marry again, all the issues settled legally?

congratulations!

you put divorce in quotations and wrote "seperation papers". are you really divorced--all over, free to marry again, all the issues settled legally?
Thanks:)

Yeah, I said 'divorced' because common-law spouses aren't married, thus can't divorce. Common-law separation is akin to divorce, though quicker, thankfully.

Yes, all over, free to marry again, everything completely settled (other than the kids, which is always a reviewable issue).

We broke up in October of last year and were apart until late February...went to counselling and drained a lot of old wounds...so this time, it's ending much more amicably. Not completely 'smile and wave good-bye', but we aren't fighting at least, and we were able to come to an agreement quickly.

and that I give him sex because relationships are about compromise

What can I say? I think you let a great thing slip away....

Thanks:)

Yeah, I said 'divorced' because common-law spouses aren't married, thus can't divorce. Common-law separation is akin to divorce, though quicker, thankfully.

Yes, all over, free to marry again, everything completely settled (other than the kids, which is always a reviewable issue).

We broke up in October of last year and were apart until late February...went to counselling and drained a lot of old wounds...so this time, it's ending much more amicably. Not completely 'smile and wave good-bye', but we aren't fighting at least, and we were able to come to an agreement quickly.


good good. let me repeat my congratulations then.

its hard to start over but sometimes its got to be done. youre on your way!

What can I say? I think you let a great thing slip away....

Hahhahhhahahaaa...

Smart ass:P

Smart ass:P

when in the history of us knowing each other have you ever known me to be otherwise?

good good. let me repeat my congratulations then.

its hard to start over but sometimes its got to be done. youre on your way!

Yeah...it's really about perspective. I don't come out of this with much money...but I've got nearly two degrees, I've got the kids, very little debt, and I've got a wicked ray of sunshine looking my way, so yeah. I'm going to be making good money soon, so living in an apartment again after years of home ownership might not be super fun, but it's just a blip.

when in the history of us knowing each other have you ever known me to be otherwise?
One or the other, or the two in combination...truly.

One or the other, or the two in combination...truly.

'tis true, we do have a tendancy to bring out the asshole in each other.

And I really hope you werne't expecting any kind of public "good for you!" or "congratulations" or "you go girl!" empowerment crap from me. I just woke up, I'm tired, I'm hung over, I dont wanna. If anything, I'm more inclined to give you a slap for not fully going through with it the last time we had this conversation!

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

I'm sorry that the relationship became unfulfilling enough that you needed to leave, and glad that you have taken this positive step to move on with your life nad are happy about it.

'tis true, we do have a tendancy to bring out the asshole in each other.

And I really hope you werne't expecting any kind of public "good for you!" or "congratulations" or "you go girl!" empowerment crap from me. I just woke up, I'm tired, I'm hung over, I dont wanna. If anything, I'm more inclined to give you a slap for not fully going through with it the last time we had this conversation!

Yeah well, I'm glad I didn't honestly, because we resolved a lot of our shit, and it helped me see that at the core of things, I just don't love him anymore, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Had I left then, I might have always wondered...what if I had tried just a bit harder...

This way, I walk away with a clear conscience.

You have no idea how hard it was to finally get him to let go...damn right I'm enthusiastic...I thought I was going to have to stick it out more years.

That's not to say I don't have compassion for him, and that I don't mourn the passing of the relationship. I do. In particular, I feel terrible for our kids.

But when he suggested that we stay together FOR the kids, and that I give him sex because relationships are about compromise (despite the fact that I can't stand him touching me) I sort of realised that there was no bridging our differences.

I feel lighter, and happy overall, yes, as hard as it is.

Well, congratulations on extricating yourself from an untenable situation. Feel free to not answer this question at all (or to reply via TG), but "can't stand him touching me" seems more than just a standard irreconcilable difference. How does someone go from marriage to revulsion?

Also, this opens a topic I think about a lot, having been a child of divorce (actual divorce) myself. Does the fact that common-law marriages are so comparatively easy to dissolve make them stronger or weaker than licensed marriages? I can understand answers on both sides of that question. Some would say "weaker" because there's little hassle in breaking up, whereas others would say "stronger" for the same reason -- you're not being held together by the bond of legal red tape when the bonds of "holy matrimony" fail.

Also, "staying together for the kids" is usually a disaster. Not always, I've seen it work, but for the most part, a split atmosphere is better than a poisonous one.

Now, to answer your question, all three of my LTRs that have ended have ended amicably. I don't have any contact with the first of those three, the second is one of my good friends, and the third is still in contact online. What's odd is that those three all went on to get married to the next person after me. However, I'm not going to take that as some kind of jinx-worthy-of-a-bad-romantic-comedy-starring-Matthew-McConoughey kind of thing. I'm not. Really.

Fuck it, yes I am. :(

This way, I walk away with a clear conscience.

and 9 months of your life gone. So, you know, evaluate as you wish :p

Congratulations on losing that annoying dead weight! :D

I don't have any dramatic difficult break-up stories because I'm pretty commitment-phobic, so my relationships don't last long enough to be that difficult to sever. And I don't have any kids (too much commitment!).

My biggest break-up -- any you may have already read this story -- was with a guy I'd stayed with for two years because he was great in bed, though horrible everywhere else. He kept picking fights with me about stupid shit -- NSG-type topics. I put up with it because I thought he was sabotaging the relationship due to commitment fears as we got into our second year, and I figured he'd calm down once he figured out I didn't want to marry him. But finally, he admitted during one of our fights -- over some political BS -- that he had been provoking me on purpose because it bothered him that his girlfriend (especially a girlfriend who had no college degree) would argue with him about things like politics and history, and he was determined to "break me down" so that I would learn to just say "yes, dear" on some issues.

He said that to me.

While I was cooking him dinner. In my apartment. While I was holding a kitchen knife. Do the words "too stupid to live" suggest themselves?

The last words I said to him were "Get out of my house!" Ten seconds later, I never had to see his stupid face or hear his whining voice again. It was actually a surprisingly easy break-up.

He's the only ex I still feel negatively towards. If I ever were to meet that sexist son of a bitch again, I'd have to restrain myself from throwing something at him. Just on principle.

I'm sorry that the relationship became unfulfilling enough that you needed to leave, and glad that you have taken this positive step to move on with your life nad are happy about it.

Danke:)

And come on people, I don't want this to be just another NSG blog post...surely there are others who have broken it off with long-term partners!? How did it go?

Yeah well, I'm glad I didn't honestly, because we resolved a lot of our shit, and it helped me see that at the core of things, I just don't love him anymore, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Had I left then, I might have always wondered...what if I had tried just a bit harder...

This way, I walk away with a clear conscience.

Having been bitten by the "what if" wolverine (it's NOT just a "bug") to the tune of $much in airfare and living expenses without a job when 2 of three first ended (she lived in Austin, I in Seattle, my interview in Dallas fell through), I understand the need for a clear conscience.

and 9 months of your life gone. So, you know, evaluate as you wish :p

5 actually...I was split up with him and fucking up a storm if you recall.

Now, to answer your question, all three of my LTRs that have ended have ended amicably. I don't have any contact with the first of those three, the second is one of my good friends, and the third is still in contact online. What's odd is that those three all went on to get married to the next person after me. However, I'm not going to take that as some kind of jinx-worthy-of-a-bad-romantic-comedy-starring-Matthew-McConoughey kind of thing. I'm not. Really.

Fuck it, yes I am. :(

write up the script! it cant be worse than the last mcconaughey/hudson piece of shit movie. (i am soooo tired of bad romantic comedies)

I'm sorry that the relationship became unfulfilling enough that you needed to leave, and glad that you have taken this positive step to move on with your life nad are happy about it.

All I'm getting from this thread is that Neesika is now single. Let the cheesy pick-up lines begin! Do you have a map, cuz baby, I feel lost in your eyes.

that he had been provoking me on purpose because it bothered him that his girlfriend (especially a girlfriend who had no college degree) would argue with him about things like politics and history, and he was determined to "break me down" so that I would learn to just say "yes, dear" on some issues.

In my defense...you should have just done what I said....

Although thanks about the sex compliment...

Congratulations on losing that annoying dead weight! :D

I don't have any dramatic difficult break-up stories because I'm pretty commitment-phobic, so my relationships don't last long enough to be that difficult to sever. And I don't have any kids (too much commitment!).

My biggest break-up -- any you may have already read this story -- was with a guy I'd stayed with for two years because he was great in bed, though horrible everywhere else. He kept picking fights with me about stupid shit -- NSG-type topics. I put up with it because I thought he was sabotaging the relationship due to commitment fears as we got into our second year, and I figured he'd calm down once he figured out I didn't want to marry him. But finally, he admitted during one of our fights -- over some political BS -- that he had been provoking me on purpose because it bothered him that his girlfriend (especially a girlfriend who had no college degree) would argue with him about things like politics and history, and he was determined to "break me down" so that I would learn to just say "yes, dear" on some issues.

He said that to me.

While I was cooking him dinner. In my apartment. While I was holding a kitchen knife. Do the words "too stupid to live" suggest themselves?

The last words I said to him were "Get out of my house!" Ten seconds later, I never had to see his stupid face or hear his whining voice again. It was actually a surprisingly easy break-up.

He's the only ex I still feel negatively towards. If I ever were to meet that sexist son of a bitch again, I'd have to restrain myself from throwing something at him. Just on principle.

Whoa.

Okay, I don't know you via anything but your posts here, but the sheer level of fucktarded asshattery it would take to think that someone with a mind as terrific as yours needed ANYTHING LIKE "breaking down" should be locked into a portable toilet and set on fire. On behalf of thinking men everywhere who desperately seek women who can think like you do...okay, on behalf of ME! -- I apologize.

write up the script! it cant be worse than the last mcconaughey/hudson piece of shit movie. (i am soooo tired of bad romantic comedies)

I would, but I think it's been done. Besides, since when has the screenwriter ever had control over casting?

Well, congratulations on extricating yourself from an untenable situation. Feel free to not answer this question at all (or to reply via TG), but "can't stand him touching me" seems more than just a standard irreconcilable difference. How does someone go from marriage to revulsion?

Emotional abuse. I began detesting him so much, and hating myself so much for putting up with it, that sex with him ended up as a chore, and finally felt like rape. That's what pretty much clinched it for me. No way am I living with sex that unwanted.

Also, this opens a topic I think about a lot, having been a child of divorce (actual divorce) myself. Does the fact that common-law marriages are so comparatively easy to dissolve make them stronger or weaker than licensed marriages? I can understand answers on both sides of that question. Some would say "weaker" because there's little hassle in breaking up, whereas others would say "stronger" for the same reason -- you're not being held together by the bond of legal red tape when the bonds of "holy matrimony" fail.
Oh, there's still plenty of red tape. The Matrimonial Real Property Act only applies to married couples, for example, so dividing property in a common-law relationship can be a bit of a nightmare if there are disagreements.

With a divorce though, you have to be separate for a year, unless there is some sort of abuse or other grounds to waive that term...with common-law spouses you can generally do it as quickly as possible.

I don't know either way...I only got married once, to get someone into the country, so that doesn't count in order to compare the two. I was with the man for nearly 12 years...and as I said, I left six times. Nothing easy about dissolving the common-law relationship in my case.

Also, "staying together for the kids" is usually a disaster. Not always, I've seen it work, but for the most part, a split atmosphere is better than a poisonous one. Yeah...it's that sort of old-fashioned idiocy that he clings to with such ferocity that helped fashion the chasm between us.

Now, to answer your question, all three of my LTRs that have ended have ended amicably. I don't have any contact with the first of those three, the second is one of my good friends, and the third is still in contact online. What's odd is that those three all went on to get married to the next person after me. However, I'm not going to take that as some kind of jinx-worthy-of-a-bad-romantic-comedy-starring-Matthew-McConoughey kind of thing. I'm not. Really.

Fuck it, yes I am. :(Awwww...

Well I've had plenty of break-ups, and most of them ended well...I just didn't think it was possible with this one, but I think it might be.

In my defense...you should have just done what I said....

Although thanks about the sex compliment...

I still have that kitchen knife, btw, ready for throwing.

I still have that kitchen knife, btw, ready for throwing.

I like it when you get angry, it's hot.

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

Congrats

Danke:)

And come on people, I don't want this to be just another NSG blog post...surely there are others who have broken it off with long-term partners!? How did it go?

I told you about breaking up with the girl in college who was:

1) my TA

2) my dealer

right?

All I'm getting from this thread is that Neesika is now single. Let the cheesy pick-up lines begin! Do you have a map, cuz baby, I feel lost in your eyes.

Check my sig, and my location.

I like it when you get angry, it's hot.

You should have followed that with:

"But later for that, right now I'm hungry. Get into that kitchen and whip me up somethin' good, you little minx, *slap ass*"

Whoa.

Okay, I don't know you via anything but your posts here, but the sheer level of fucktarded asshattery it would take to think that someone with a mind as terrific as yours needed ANYTHING LIKE "breaking down" should be locked into a portable toilet and set on fire. On behalf of thinking men everywhere who desperately seek women who can think like you do...okay, on behalf of ME! -- I apologize.

I keep replaying the scenario she described out in my head...and laughing. Hard.

I love me some Mur'v!

I told you about breaking up with the girl in college who was:

1) my TA

2) my dealer

right?

Good Lord. Some guys are just plain bleedin' LUCKY.

I told you about breaking up with the girl in college who was:

1) my TA

2) my dealer

right?

Not about the breakup, no.

Whoa.

Okay, I don't know you via anything but your posts here, but the sheer level of fucktarded asshattery it would take to think that someone with a mind as terrific as yours needed ANYTHING LIKE "breaking down" should be locked into a portable toilet and set on fire. On behalf of thinking men everywhere who desperately seek women who can think like you do...okay, on behalf of ME! -- I apologize.
Thanks, I appreciate that very much. :)

Of course, the stupidest part of all his stupidity was him thinking that he COULD "break me down" -- especially after such a long time of continuous failure. He picked fights at least three times a week and lost every single one. "Lost" = his arguments got crushed until he had none left, then he got thrown out of my apartment, and then he came back to apologize and buy me presents. Up to three times a week. For nigh on two years.

In hindsight, I think the real reason I dumped him was that he was so fucking stupid. His sexist motivation was just the pry-bar I used to get the getting-rid-of-him job done. How kind it was of him to hand it to me like that. :)

I would, but I think it's been done. Besides, since when has the screenwriter ever had control over casting?

never

and theyll take your script, cast adam sandler and drew barrymore, and add a giant spider.

but youd still get paid.

Congrats!

Okay, fulfilling your request to not just be another NSG blogpost ... The longest relationship I've ever left was over a year and a half. We were looking at getting married. However, he was going into the Air Force and I had at least two years of college left (three, actually, the way it's looking now). He wanted me to follow him. I couldn't. We broke up, but remain good friends. (Partly because he's in Alabama, I'm in North Dakota, and there's no awkwardness when all you have are phone calls about once a week.) I miss him a little, it sucked to have to hurt him (I instigated the breakup), but several weeks later even, we agreed it was for the best and smiled about the fun times we'd shared as a couple.

So, in many ways, much less ugly than your situation, especially since there were no kids involved.

I told you about breaking up with the girl in college who was:

1) my TA

2) my dealer

right?
I haven't heard this story. Tell, tell.

Congrats!

Okay, fulfilling your request to not just be another NSG blogpost ... The longest relationship I've ever left was over a year and a half. We were looking at getting married. However, he was going into the Air Force and I had at least two years of college left (three, actually, the way it's looking now). He wanted me to follow him. I couldn't. We broke up, but remain good friends. (Partly because he's in Alabama, I'm in North Dakota, and there's no awkwardness when all you have are phone calls about once a week.) I miss him a little, it sucked to have to hurt him (I instigated the breakup), but several weeks later even, we agreed it was for the best and smiled about the fun times we'd shared as a couple.

A break up story involving a good reason, no particular drama, a reasonably happy ending and both people moving on?

You are NO fun.

A break up story involving a good reason, no particular drama, a reasonably happy ending and both people moving on?

You are NO fun.

I enjoyed it, it gives me great hope :D

I keep replaying the scenario she described out in my head...and laughing. Hard.

I love me some Mur'v!
It actually was pretty funny. You never saw a guy run out of a woman's apartment so fast. :D

Check my sig, and my location.

ohmygod when it says ENGAGED that doesnt mean you are planning on getting married in the near future does it?

ohmygod when it says ENGAGED that doesnt mean you are planning on getting married in the near future does it?

I asked him to marry me over at UMP...he said yes.

But no, I wouldn't jump from one marriage to another THAT quickly.

Give me six months :D

I haven't heard this story. Tell, tell.

well to give the abridged version, when poor boy from farmland USA goes off to college in the "big city" and the....second girl he ever slept with, and the first one he did so with a regular basis, kept a fairly large and regular supply of recreational narcotics in close proximity, then when poor boy from farmland USA realized donw the road he was actually capable of getting other women to sleep with him, and not just one, and informed said drug dealing crack head ivy leager of this fact, she also informed him that she did have enough evidence to send him to jail for a good while.

Of course poor boy from farmland USA having not yet gone to lawschool didn't realize that he had enough to send her to jail for an even LONGER time and had quite the upper hand in that little game of chicken.

well to give the abridged version, when poor boy from farmland USA goes off to college in the "big city" and the....second girl he ever slept with, and the first one he did so with a regular basis, kept a fairly large and regular supply of recreational narcotics in close proximity, then when poor boy from farmland USA realized donw the road he was actually capable of getting other women to sleep with him, and not just one, and informed said drug dealing crack head ivy leager of this fact, she also informed him that she did have enough evidence to send him to jail for a good while.

This horrible run-on and temporally fragmented sentence needs to be taken out back and shot.

It actually was pretty funny. You never saw a guy run out of a woman's apartment so fast. :D

pft, it wasn't you, I just had somewhere to go.

This horrible run-on sentence needs to be taken out back and shot.

wow, gee, take my own punchline and use it against me. Madam, you wound me!

AND ITS FUCKING NARRATIVE, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RUN ON

Thanks, I appreciate that very much. :)

Of course, the stupidest part of all his stupidity was him thinking that he COULD "break me down" -- especially after such a long time of continuous failure. He picked fights at least three times a week and lost every single one. "Lost" = his arguments got crushed until he had none left, then he got thrown out of my apartment, and then he came back to apologize and buy me presents. Up to three times a week. For nigh on two years.



In hindsight, I think the real reason I dumped him was that he was so fucking stupid. His sexist motivation was just the pry-bar I used to get the getting-rid-of-him job done. How kind it was of him to hand it to me like that. :)

Hmmmmmmm...there may be another explanation for your staying there for that long....




[TOTALLY kidding...surely you're not shallow.]
never

and theyll take your script, cast adam sandler and drew barrymore, and add a giant spider.

but youd still get paid.

Excellent point. I'll call it Rehearsal Man or The Practice Husband.

wow, gee, take my own punchline and use it against me. Madam, you wound me!

AND ITS FUCKING NARRATIVE, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RUN ON

Don't give me your cheap excuses...you have legal training, you should know that maintaining temporal tense is essential to clarity, etc.

Alright folks, spill your tales of dire endings! Right now, I need to start moving into my new apartment which has no internet or phone access until the end of the month.

:(

Hmmmmmmm...there may be another explanation for your staying there for that long.... She DID say the sex was great :D

I need to start moving into my new apartment which has no internet or phone access until the end of the month.

:(

Oh I can't WAIT to see what remnants of sanity you have left by the end of the month.

At least you're not splitting a one bedroom with the kids, that would be extra special.

She DID say the sex was great :D

I've been bitten by THAT wolverine, too. Nothing else could have kept me buying tickets to Austin. On a credit card. For six months. *facepalm* FIve years on and I can't shed the self-recrimination about how insanely stupid that was. But it was the first "best sex ever" of my life, and I could NOT believe that someone so amazingly hot thought the same of me. Such is my weakness -- high libido and low self-esteem.

well to give the abridged version, when poor boy from farmland USA goes off to college in the "big city" and the....second girl he ever slept with, and the first one he did so with a regular basis, kept a fairly large and regular supply of recreational narcotics in close proximity, then when poor boy from farmland USA realized donw the road he was actually capable of getting other women to sleep with him, and not just one, and informed said drug dealing crack head ivy leager of this fact, she also informed him that she did have enough evidence to send him to jail for a good while.

Of course poor boy from farmland USA having not yet gone to lawschool didn't realize that he had enough to send her to jail for an even LONGER time and had quite the upper hand in that little game of chicken.
So what did poor boy from farmland USA who didn't have a law degree yet do? Feed her into a woodchipper and smoke all her crack himself?

The ending of my relationship with my Evil Ex was too complex and dire to describe in one post here - heck, I honestly think the shortest summary I could manage would take several pages in itself. Suffice it to say that it sucked almost as bad as the relationship, and that was pretty mind-blowingly bad. We'd been together off and on for about three years, I had pretty much no friends who were not also his friends, and basically the whole situation was a big steaming pile of dung.

But hey, it's long past now, and I'm glad of it. :)

Such is my weakness -- high libido and low self-esteem.

be careful. When high libido and low self esteem turns into high libido and high self esteem you end up breaking up with drug dealers who control your grade in international economic theory.

High libido and low self esteem tells you "be happy with what you have, and do what it takes ot maintain it because you'll never get it again". High libido and high self esteem tells you "this is nice, but I'm willing to bet I can have better".

Figure out on your own which is more dangerous.

Wait! General relationship nasties I do understand! And lucky me, ours is nice and drama-full for y'all (hang on ... turning on thx fr the mmrs by fall out boy for this story):

So I started dating a guy in high school. He is from the East Coast and much older, and there's something about being a new Junior dating a college guy. He was real. He was perfect. And, best of all, NOT Mormon. So, natually, things started rolling that probably shouldnthave.

Three years later, I find out he's been cheating on me. And I loved him. So it was very painful. I gave him another shot, because sometimes letting go is just harder than knowing the good memories, too, and feeling that if I were a better girl, prettier, or more talented somehow, he wouldn't have to cheat.

He did cheat again. And that's all it took. I left. Enough was enough. We remained civil friends, and I told him all of my new guy adventures. It always made him quiet, a fact I still revel in. Now he's begging for me back, and for once, I am starting to think that this whole time, he wasn't the guy for me. And it all hurts a lot less.

wow, gee, take my own punchline and use it against me. Madam, you wound me!

AND ITS FUCKING NARRATIVE, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RUN ON
*throws that knife* What bullshit "style manual" did you get that out of? The Up-Neo-Art's-Ass Guide to Writing? Narrative does not require bad grammar.

Hmmmmmmm...there may be another explanation for your staying there for that long....
Neesika answered. (She pays attention when I talk. ;))

Well my first gf was in Middle School, we broke up after a year of dating because I went to HS and she moved.

My second gf was my high school sweetheart, we broke up after six months, and it was a nasty break up. We broke up litterly right before prom. I basically blocked her out of my life after that (which in hindsight was stupid) and after a seven year hiatus, we're talking again.

My third gf, we've only dated for three months, I couldn't stand her. She was needy, clingy, had serious trust issues, and I just got tired of reassuring her, reassuring her, reassuring her etc. and the fact that her dad and his family didn't like me because I'm Roman Catholic didn't help. I am currently not talking to her.

First ex is married with child
Second ex is in an unhappy relationship
Third ex is in another LTR with another guy.

Damn time warp!

Oh I can't WAIT to see what remnants of sanity you have left by the end of the month.

At least you're not splitting a one bedroom with the kids, that would be extra special.

Well, I have a 3 credit research paper that needs to get done, and snail mail is some small solace.

No, I'm glad I got talked out of the 1 bedroom idea.

The ending of my relationship with my Evil Ex was too complex and dire to describe in one post here - heck, I honestly think the shortest summary I could manage would take several pages in itself. Suffice it to say that it sucked almost as bad as the relationship, and that was pretty mind-blowingly bad. We'd been together off and on for about three years, I had pretty much no friends who were not also his friends, and basically the whole situation was a big steaming pile of dung.

But hey, it's long past now, and I'm glad of it. :)
Good.

Besides, the future's so bright, you gotta wear shades:)

Well, I have a 3 credit research paper that needs to get done, and snail mail is some small solace.

What's the topic? featherhead "rights" or some other silly nonsense?

Good.

Besides, the future's so bright, you gotta wear shades:)

*Groans* So incredibly corny...

What's the topic? featherhead "rights" or some other silly nonsense?

Precisely. It's pretty cool.

Good.

Besides, the future's so bright, you gotta wear shades:)

wait, wait, wait. DOes this mean Poli is....secretly Timbuk 3?

Freaking awesome

*Groans* So incredibly corny...

I'm a child of the 80s, come on now!

Narrative does not require bad grammar

Narrative may not require bad grammar, but hangover excuses it.

Narrative may not require bad grammar, but hangover excuses it.
OK, I'll let it go then. *bangs two pot lids together over NA's head and walks away*

wait, wait, wait. DOes this mean Poli is....secretly Timbuk 3?

Freaking awesome

You wish. I mean, just look at this sexy hairdo:

http://image.listen.com/img/356x237/3/5/2/6/506253_356x237.jpg

Clearly, I cannot compete with that level of coolness.

OK, I'll let it go then. *bangs two pot lids together over NA's head and walks away*

pft, yer all the way in sommerville, I have the entire city of cambridge as a buffer protecting me.

be careful. When high libido and low self esteem turns into high libido and high self esteem you end up breaking up with drug dealers who control your grade in international economic theory.

High libido and low self esteem tells you "be happy with what you have, and do what it takes ot maintain it because you'll never get it again". High libido and high self esteem tells you "this is nice, but I'm willing to bet I can have better".

Figure out on your own which is more dangerous.

I understand what you mean, but the combination works oddly on me in that I certainly AM always grateful, but it makes me subordinate myself and make bad decisions just because I'm with or trying to be with someone I perceive as "out of my league" -- and yes, I'm aware of how stupid that sounds coming from someone with three degrees and a professorship.

I've managed the libido part, though. Neesika helped me indirectly with that. She said something like "looking is perfectly fine", but she said it in her inimitably insouciant manner which I have come to enjoy so much.

Neesika answered. (She pays attention when I talk. ;))

Oh, pish. I was teasing...and hoping for a good spanking.

pft, yer all the way in sommerville, I have the entire city of cambridge as a buffer protecting me.
You're just lucky I'm too damned lazy to get on the T because I do feel tempted. I have stainless pots, and those lids do make a racket.

You wish. I mean, just look at this sexy hairdo:

http://image.listen.com/img/356x237/3/5/2/6/506253_356x237.jpg

Clearly, I cannot compete with that level of coolness.

Will "fifty thou a year" still "buy a lotta beer"?

You're just lucky I'm too damned lazy to get on the T because I do feel tempted. I have stainless pots, and those lids do make a racket.

what are you gonna do? Take the red line down to Charles/MGH and wander around the hill banging pots?

That'll get your ass arrested in my neighborhood.

Oh, pish. I was teasing...and hoping for a good spanking.
Feh. It's Saturday. If I can't motivate myself to go harass NA, then I'm pretty much up for nothing. Maybe I'll spank you on Monday. ;)

I'm apparently viewing this thread, so I feel I should say "Good for you" and comment on the horrid smilies we're suddenly having! :eek:

I need someone to blame, and since Ruffy isn't here right now I'm sure it's because of this split impacting on my reality.

Maybe we'll both survive this calamity though.

I'm apparently viewing this thread, so I feel I should say "Good for you" and comment on the horrid smilies we're suddenly having! :eek:

I need someone to blame, and since Ruffy isn't here right now I'm sure it's because of this split impacting on my reality.

Maybe we'll both survive this calamity though.

Hey, Gravlen, I think Ladame and Dubsy badly want you to stop by GM for a few minutes. :)

Hey, Gravlen, I think Ladame and Dubsy badly want you to stop by GM for a few minutes. :)

Are you aware of the amount of Spam that has accumulated in just a week?? Tremendous amounts!

I'm navigating through it all ;)

BTW: The :) smilie looks... uncertain...

BTW: The :) smilie looks... uncertain...

Uncertain? It looks retarded. And I don't mean that in the slang sense of the word meaning silly or dumb or disagreable.

I mean it actually looks retarded.

Are you aware of the amount of Spam that has accumulated in just a week?? Tremendous amounts!

I'm navigating through it all ;)

BTW: The :) smilie looks... uncertain...

I am indeed aware! I helped contribute to it! (But the "you are ridiculous!" thread is the one I was thinking of.) :)

Life's too short to stay in an unhappy situation. Good for you for finally ending a failing relationship.

You have no idea how hard it was to finally get him to let go...damn right I'm enthusiastic...I thought I was going to have to stick it out more years.

That's not to say I don't have compassion for him, and that I don't mourn the passing of the relationship. I do. In particular, I feel terrible for our kids.

But when he suggested that we stay together FOR the kids, and that I give him sex because relationships are about compromise (despite the fact that I can't stand him touching me) I sort of realised that there was no bridging our differences.

I feel lighter, and happy overall, yes, as hard as it is.

Don't feel terrible for the kids. Seriously, there is absolutely NOTHING worse for kids than staying together "for the kids". My mother did that, and I can't even begin to tell you how much that sucked.

Yes, it can be tricky coming to terms with parents divorcing, especially if both parents are loved by the kids. But it's still better than waiting until the kids come to you and ask you to please get a divorce...

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

So tell me divorcees and long-term-relationship leavers...what was your break-up like? Nice? Nasty? Short, drawn-out? What wisdom did you take from your experiences?

Congrats on acquiring your freedom, girl.

My break-up form my almost three year fiancé has been bitter. I´m still going through it, but I´m sure I´ll be fine in the end. And so will you. Ciao!

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

So tell me divorcees and long-term-relationship leavers...what was your break-up like? Nice? Nasty? Short, drawn-out? What wisdom did you take from your experiences?

I'll tell you my parents experience. Married for 10(maybe 11?) years. Mom cheated on my dad during the last few years. So my dad left. Mom made me hate my dad, telling me he was the one cheating. Went through a bad divorce. Everyone lost. I was 10 almost 11 at the time. My dad got remarried. My mom still hasn't been remarried. She goes from man to man, never finding happiness. My dad had a second divorce. Again, wife cheating on him. Now, my dad is on his third marriage, and is about to come across a huge settlement payoff, and guess what? My mom takes him to court. So, now they are in this long ass battle, and I don't even know over what. All I know is that it looks like another lose-lose situation for them. Both of them are guilty of breaking the court orders. My sister is really the one being hurt by this the most.

So, with that being said, please excuse me if I am a little sickened by your happiness of divorce. Its one of the worst things society offers. I can understand some divorces, such as abuse. But when people hit a hard spot and just divorce, it pisses me the hell off.


:soap:

So, with that being said, please excuse me if I am a little sickened by your happiness of divorce. Its one of the worst things society offers.

Yes, after all, people reaming in relationships that they are no longer happy in is a good thing for society.

No....wait....

Its one of the worst things society offers. I can understand some divorces, such as abuse. But when people hit a hard spot and just divorce, it pisses me the hell off.


:soap:

Excuse me for thinking this total and utter bollocks. Any society offering marriage HAS to offer divorce as well.
And I can not only understand Neesika's happiness, I'm happy for her and her children. There is nothing worse than living in a marriage that should have ended years ago but didn't because of social expectations.

The day my parents got divorced still is the happiest day in my life so far, and it was almost 20 years ago! Life has been so much better since.

I'll tell you my parents experience. Married for 10(maybe 11?) years. Mom cheated on my dad during the last few years. So my dad left. Mom made me hate my dad, telling me he was the one cheating. Went through a bad divorce. Everyone lost. I was 10 almost 11 at the time. My dad got remarried. My mom still hasn't been remarried. She goes from man to man, never finding happiness. My dad had a second divorce. Again, wife cheating on him. Now, my dad is on his third marriage, and is about to come across a huge settlement payoff, and guess what? My mom takes him to court. So, now they are in this long ass battle, and I don't even know over what. All I know is that it looks like another lose-lose situation for them. Both of them are guilty of breaking the court orders. My sister is really the one being hurt by this the most.

So, with that being said, please excuse me if I am a little sickened by your happiness of divorce. Its one of the worst things society offers. I can understand some divorces, such as abuse. But when people hit a hard spot and just divorce, it pisses me the hell off.


:soap:

that would make so much more sense if you hadnt given the example of your parents who needed to divorce.

its not the divorce but their subsequent bad behavior that is hurting your sister (and you).

i suppose there are some people who divorce over stupid things but usually even when you think someone's reasons are shallow its because they didnt tell you the whole truth about how bad it was.

I'll tell you my parents experience. Married for 10(maybe 11?) years. Mom cheated on my dad during the last few years. So my dad left. Mom made me hate my dad, telling me he was the one cheating. Went through a bad divorce. Everyone lost. I was 10 almost 11 at the time. My dad got remarried. My mom still hasn't been remarried. She goes from man to man, never finding happiness. My dad had a second divorce. Again, wife cheating on him. Now, my dad is on his third marriage, and is about to come across a huge settlement payoff, and guess what? My mom takes him to court. So, now they are in this long ass battle, and I don't even know over what. All I know is that it looks like another lose-lose situation for them. Both of them are guilty of breaking the court orders. My sister is really the one being hurt by this the most.

So, with that being said, please excuse me if I am a little sickened by your happiness of divorce. Its one of the worst things society offers. I can understand some divorces, such as abuse. But when people hit a hard spot and just divorce, it pisses me the hell off.


:soap:

...you know, I read the first paragraph, and would have sworn that the next one was going to be something like:

"So, with that being said, thank goodness you and your ex are managing to split up amicably without putting your kids through shit like my parents did. Parents who can't act like adults are really pathetic, and I don't understand why my parents didn't get divorced sooner considering their clearly unhealthy relationship."

Good job surprising me, I guess....

Broke up with my last GF nearly a year ago. For the first time in my life, I was the one who walked away. I got tired of being in a relationship with someone who was indifferent to it.

congrats Neesika :)

Congrats on acquiring your freedom, girl.

My break-up form my almost three year fiancé has been bitter. I´m still going through it, but I´m sure I´ll be fine in the end. And so will you. Ciao!

Three years seems to be the magic number.

My three-year relationship came to an end last week. Eleven days ago, in fact. Not that I'm counting. :(

Anyway, I wish everyone on this thread the best, especially if they're hurting.

Yes, after all, people reaming in relationships that they are no longer happy in is a good thing for society.

No....wait....

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

So, long term you think it would have been better to live with two parents, nevermind they hate each others guts because they want to leave but feel they can't?

People are not hardwired for relationships that last for decades. They are hardwired for relationships that last around 3 - 10 years, for the most part. Some manage to get on longer, although I have seen very few cases that maintained a relationship much longer than that. They just stayed together because it was convenient, but there wasn't much interaction going on any more, let alone anything romantic.

Yes, people will get divorced when they feel they want to. After all, they get married when they feel they want to, too. It's only fair.

And yes, people are egoistical idiots. That observation isn't exactly groundbreaking news, you know?

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

It must be really nice living in the world where you know better than everyone else. I hate to hit below the belt here but I fear I must, based on your own admissions here on NSG, I'm fairly confident that you've never been in a long term relationship, never been in a sexual relationship of any kind and I'm pretty certain you've never even had a girlfriend at all.

So I'm a little confused where you think you get off telling people how to handle their relationships gien your own wealth of experience in relationships amounts to exactly 0. And frankly speaking, of all the people in the world who hold opinions on relationships, the last person I'm going to listen to is someone who speaks about "These days" without being old enough to have known any different, and professes some opinion on how to make relationships work, having never even been on a date.

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.


again, its not divorce that is the problem. its people being together and making kids together who never should have been married in the first place.

i know you dont think that you would have been happier if your parents had never divorced. yeah it would have been better if they had been better people and had dealt with each other as reasonable adults. that would require that they were different people.

in a different time you would have spent an extra 8 years in the hell of a very bad marriage with your mother cheating constantly and your dad having to pretend that it wasnt happening. constant fights and bitterness that they put a good face on in public.

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

I just honestly have a hard time understanding why you think you would have been happier if your parents, whom you've said act horribly immature and use you and your sister as weapons against each other, had stayed in the same house to do this to you 24/7.

I just honestly have a hard time understanding why you think you would have been happier if your parents, whom you've said act horribly immature and use you and your sister as weapons against each other, had stayed in the same house to do this to you 24/7.

and therein lies the problem. If people are assholes they're going to be assholes regardless of whether they're married or not. I'm somehow unsure how a poster that talks about how the mean horrible and spiteful things his parents did to him and each other, would somehow have reconciled their differences through a little more hard work and counseling.

I am also unsure why said poster would talk about abuse, and a spouse snoring too loudly, as if there was not a mountain worth of relationship difficulties that lie in these extremes. It is, at best, intellectually dishonest and, at worse, extraordinarily naive as to the actual workings of relationships.

Sometimes divorce is good for the kids, too.

When my ex and I divorced (not amicably) my kids, aged 3 and 4 at the time, actually showed signs of relief. My ex was verbally abusive and neglectful (he thought his beer was more important than food for the kids) and, even at that young age, my kids were always tense around him.

He remarried, I didn't. His older daughter by his current wife had three abortions by the time she graduated from high school and was pregnant when she got married. His younger daughter by his current wife married a loser, divorced him and is currently dating her married boss.

My kids were the lucky ones.

ohmygod when it says ENGAGED that doesnt mean you are planning on getting married in the near future does it?

I asked him to marry me over at UMP...he said yes.

But no, I wouldn't jump from one marriage to another THAT quickly.

Give me six months :D

You can imagine how closely I followed this little bit of dialogue.

be careful. When high libido and low self esteem turns into high libido and high self esteem you end up breaking up with drug dealers who control your grade in international economic theory.

High libido and low self esteem tells you "be happy with what you have, and do what it takes ot maintain it because you'll never get it again". High libido and high self esteem tells you "this is nice, but I'm willing to bet I can have better".

Figure out on your own which is more dangerous.

The second one led me to where I am today. I know which one I would choose.

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

So, do your think your dad would have found it easy to sit through a conversation where your mother told him that she wanted to sleep with other men? Your answer depends on how much trust, respect and openness your parents shared. And the quality of their marriage would also depend on those factors. In other words, if they can't have that, them they can't have a good marriage. Or they could do what my grandparents did, which was live a lie, and I probably have a lot of illegitimate half-aunts and half-uncles in the area where my mom grew up.

I don't think the divorce is what caused the problems in your family. It seems more like the problems caused the divorce.

My break-up was somewhat more amicable, and this was largely due to the kids. My ex and I both felt it was important to keep the kids as happy as possible while at the same time, trying to give each of us the freedom we needed to deal with the situation. It also helped that neither of us had any money or debts. All we had to do was figure out what to do with the kids. It's a lot easier due to the fact that me ex lives on the same block that I do, making child transitions very easy.

I'll probably wonder for the rest of my life if I could have made it work, but I don't doubt for a second that my ex would not have made the same effort. But I am not so bitter that I can't look forward to the future. And I have someone beautiful waiting for me there.

Sometimes divorce is good for the kids, too.

When my ex and I divorced (not amicably) my kids, aged 3 and 4 at the time, actually showed signs of relief. My ex was verbally abusive and neglectful (he thought his beer was more important than food for the kids) and, even at that young age, my kids were always tense around him.

He remarried, I didn't. His older daughter by his current wife had three abortions by the time she graduated from high school and was pregnant when she got married. His younger daughter by his current wife married a loser, divorced him and is currently dating her married boss.

My kids were the lucky ones.


yeah.

my neice's husband is a child of divorce. he calls his step mother THAT WOMAN (she has been married to his father far longer than his mother was) and despises her for having (kinda) stolen his father away.

then i hear about what his mom's marriage was like and what THAT WOMAN has had to put up with for the past 30+ years and all i can think is "you should THANK her for taking your dad away so your mom could build a good life on her own instead of living in hell with him like THAT WOMAN did".

The second one led me to where I am today. I know which one I would choose.

Perhaps, although having a high libido and a high self esteem is like playing russian roulette with yourself an a pinata. Sometimes you get the candy. Sometimes you get the bullet. And you never know which it'll be until it happens.

I'll probably wonder for the rest of my life if I could have made it work, but I don't doubt for a second that my ex would not have made the same effort. But I am not so bitter that I can't look forward to the future. And I have someone beautiful waiting for me there.

There's your answer right there. You couldn't have.
It's impossible for one partner to make the relationship work, it takes both of them. Always.

yeah.

my neice's husband is a child of divorce. he calls his step mother THAT WOMAN (she has been married to his father far longer than his mother was) and despises her for having (kinda) stolen his father away.

then i hear about what his mom's marriage was like and what THAT WOMAN has had to put up with for the past 30+ years and all i can think is "you should THANK her for taking your dad away so your mom could build a good life on her own instead of living in hell with him like THAT WOMAN did".

My kids actually like my ex's current wife. They're on a first name basis with her and regard her with a degree of sympathy, if not actual pity. And I have to agree; even though we're not friends, I do find her to be a nice person. If my ex hadn't dragged them both into so much debt (his entire paycheck is going to pay off the credit cards), I believe she would leave him.

yeah.

my neice's husband is a child of divorce. he calls his step mother THAT WOMAN (she has been married to his father far longer than his mother was) and despises her for having (kinda) stolen his father away.

then i hear about what his mom's marriage was like and what THAT WOMAN has had to put up with for the past 30+ years and all i can think is "you should THANK her for taking your dad away so your mom could build a good life on her own instead of living in hell with him like THAT WOMAN did".


*lol

Same here. My father has shitloads of money, but due to the way they split up and German divorce laws, my mother saw next to nothing of that. When my mom left, we sometimes did have to struggle to make ends meet, although by now she's got a good job, owns a lovely appartement and leads a happy and quiet life.
Every now and again my brothers, who still have contact with my father, will mention his new wife, and each time my mom gets worked up about the money they have and what they spend it on.
And each and every time I've got to remind her that the woman might have the money, but she has to put up with my father for it. Always brings my mom right back down to earth. :D

:soap:
Sour grapes, Zilam? Just because your experience was unhappy, why do you assume everyone's is? Neesika is not your parents, and her kids are not you, so what is it that makes you assume her/their experience is going to be the same as yours? Or is it just that, since it's not going well for you, you don't like the idea that a break-up might be good for someone else?

Uncertain? It looks retarded. And I don't mean that in the slang sense of the word meaning silly or dumb or disagreable.

I mean it actually looks retarded.

That would be a less diplomatic and more precise description :p

And... Whatthe hell is that shit?! -> :p

I am indeed aware! I helped contribute to it! (But the "you are ridiculous!" thread is the one I was thinking of.) :)

Seriously! The amounts, they are staggering! :mp:

That would be a less diplomatic and more precise description :p

And... Whatthe hell is that shit?! -> :p

Gah. First they turn the nice cheerful green tongue smiley into an angry yellow tongue smiley, and now it's apparently become a stroke-afflicted smiley with no control over its facial muscles.

GIVE US BACK THE CHEERFUL GREEN SMILEY, DAMMIT. *protests*

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

Ah, yes. We'll go back to the old ways, when divorce was impossible. He's cheating on you? Deal with it. He drinks, verbally abuses you and the kids and lets you and the kids go without necessities so he can pursue his hobbies (drinking, other women). Never mind the marriages where he actually physcally abuses the kids and his wife. She made her bed, now let her lie in it.

We should make it harder to get married and easier to get divorced.

Oh, and Neesika, congratulations.

Ah, yes. We'll go back to the old ways, when divorce was impossible. He's cheating on you? Deal with it. He drinks, verbally abuses you and the kids and lets you and the kids go without necessities so he can pursue his hobbies (drinking, other women). Never mind the marriages where he actually physcally abuses the kids and his wife. She made her bed, now let her lie in it.

Ah, the good old days.

Fuck it, yes I am. :(
Blind Date thread ftw?

I broke up with my boyfriend of five years about a month ago. We just saw each other for the first time since then because we planned to see The Dark Knight before we broke up.

...he's in the shower as I type.

I'm not very good at breaking up. :-/

...he's in the shower as I type.

I'm not very good at breaking up. :-/You could be if you flushed the toilet a few times on him.

Fuck it, yes I am. :(

Don't feel bad, I turned someone gay. Well, I think he was already gay, I think I just made him realize it.

Don't feel bad, I turned someone gay. Well, I think he was already gay, I think I just made him realize it.Been there, burned the bra.

I broke up with my boyfriend of five years about a month ago. We just saw each other for the first time since then because we planned to see The Dark Knight before we broke up.

...he's in the shower as I type.

I'm not very good at breaking up. :-/

It's okay. Neither am I. My ex has left me twice, now, and I'm pretty sure if he suddenly decided he wanted to give it another try, I'd have a hard time saying no. I'm working on it.

Besides, aren't you very much still in love with your ex? What's keeping you apart?

Don't feel bad, I turned someone gay. Well, I think he was already gay, I think I just made him realize it.
Nice! :D

It's okay. Neither am I. My ex has left me twice, now, and I'm pretty sure if he suddenly decided he wanted to give it another try, I'd have a hard time saying no. I'm working on it.

Besides, aren't you very much still in love with your ex? What's keeping you apart?
Nothing, apparently. He's in the shower as she writes to us. (scroll up)

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

There certainly are people who divorce at the very first sign of trouble. In truth, these are people who probably never should have married in the first place.

But the opposite extreme is just as bad - people who stay together, for whatever reason, despite the fact that their marriage has completely fallen apart.

My mother stayed with my father "for the children" for quite a while. By the time they finally divorced, I not only expected it - I was hoping for it. A relationship can't last when only one person is putting in th effort to hold it together. Imagine, at 14, seeing your own mother relaxed and content for the first time. Imagine seeing her in a new relationship when you are 18 - truly happy for the first time you can remember.

Sometimes, believe it or not, parents getting divorced is the best possible situation for the children. And often it is for the parents as well. The divorce wasn't rock bottom for my father, but it took away one of the props that was holding him up and after he hit rock bottom and dug for a little while, he actually managed to get his own life back on track.

You are right that parents shouldn't badmouth each other after a divorce, though. My mother went through that as a kid - constantly hearing her mother badmouth her father and she resolved not to do it when my parents got divorced.

Nice! :D


Nothing, apparently. He's in the shower as she writes to us. (scroll up)

No, I got that. I was more wondering why they broke up in the first place, since it sounds like it was ended on Ryand's side, but I'm pretty sure I've read that she's still in love with him and missed him, so... I was just curious. :p

Congratulations Neesika - I hope things work out stunningly for you :)

My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. My ex-husband had a lot of issues that he took out on me. He would physically push me away from him if I got too close, I wasn't allowed to sit on the same sofa as him and he kept a rolled up quilt down the middle of the bed to make sure I kept my distance during the night. We didn't have sex for the last few years we were together. He would also spend our entire joint salaries on rubbish and going out with somebody else during the evening's that i was working overtime to try and pay the bills.

Possibly the worst thing he did to me was to convince me that my music was nothing short of torture for anybody unfortunate enough to be in the same city as me, something i haven't been able to fully shake off yet. He treated me and my family like dirt and made it clear we were barely tolerated. He ignored any efforts I made in any way, and would do things like putting food I'd cooked straight into the bin. By the time I left him, I had no confidence, no friends and no money. The first month after I left him, waiting for the pay day when my salary would be paid into my own bank account, I put a roof over my head by selling sex.

The first month after that, when I put a roof over my head by means of the day job and got to the next pay day with £2 left in the bank, was joyous. When I left, he cried and told me he couldn't live without me, that he was sorry, that he new he'd done bad things. He wrote me a letter, which i still have, where he admitted that I'd done more than any sane person would to make the marriage work but that he'd carried on pushing "to see how much I loved him". 12 hours after I left, he moved in with another girl.

Getting divorced was difficult because I believed in marriage, and believed in myself, my strength and commitment. Finding out that I wasn't enough to make it work, that life wasn't altogether in my control, and that my core assumptions about how life and relationships work were so flawed was emotionally disorienting, and it took me some time to find my feet again.

However, the sense of freedom I had to be in control of my own finances, to play my music out loud, to go out and make friends, to sleep easily instead or to doze precariously balanced on the edge of the bed... I felt ecstatic almost continuously for years :)

I now live with a beautiful man who is utterly decent, loving, affectionate and proud of my music, I'm financially independent and am comfortable with who i am. Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did.

sorry this is so long, I honestly tried to make it concise!

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

So tell me divorcees and long-term-relationship leavers...what was your break-up like? Nice? Nasty? Short, drawn-out? What wisdom did you take from your experiences?
err... congratulations... I guess...

can't give you any words of wisdom, but I can offer support should you feel the need to return to him.

My only major breakup went pretty badly.

The guy and I were friends before we dated and the first time we broke up was 6 months or so into a relationship. We were already going to school in different cities, but I had to move to a further one for a job for the spring and he broke up with me over the phone, a week after reassuring me that we were gonna be fine.

Later in that spring, he came up to visit as a "friend", but neither of us was really back to friend status. By the time the summer rolled around, we were dating again - and in the same city for a while.

In the fall, I had to go back to the job, but it all seemed fine. He had come up to visit a couple of times and early on in the season, I lost my virginity to him. I drove down to see him one night and, out of the blue, he told me he wanted to date someone else. He actually tried to badger me into breaking up with him - I guess so he could feel less shitty about it - but in the end he had to do it himself.

Of course, I had drive back the way I had come for 4 hours in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out the whole way. There was no way I was staying at his place overnight after that.

It doesn't sound that bad in retrospect, I suppose, and it really wouldn't sound bad at all for someone to whom sex is no big deal, but it really screwed up my head for a while. I almost missed out on getting together with my husband because of it.

It's okay. Neither am I. My ex has left me twice, now, and I'm pretty sure if he suddenly decided he wanted to give it another try, I'd have a hard time saying no. I'm working on it.

Besides, aren't you very much still in love with your ex? What's keeping you apart?

Oh, I am. Ridiculously so. He is too. I don't want to make this my blog, but the situation is (and has been for the past few years) that we live about 45 minutes apart, he commutes to a job that's about 1.5 hours from where I live, and he is there pretty much every minute of every day. A regular week for him is 9 a.m.-9 p.m., Monday-Sunday, and it's much worse at crunch time (he works for a company owned by 2KSports). We were lucky to see each other once a week for a few hours each time. He doesn't have time to do anything outside of his work, including see me, and although he's trying to get a different job there's really no end in sight.

Basically, I can't be just a happy addition to his busy life, and he can't put something else before his work, no matter how much he loves me, his friends and his family, and we've been making ourselves miserable for a long time trying.

*snip*

That is a really, deeply shitty thing to do to someone that loves you. :(

I'm so glad you've found a guy you're happy with. :)

Yeah well, I'm glad I didn't honestly, because we resolved a lot of our shit, and it helped me see that at the core of things, I just don't love him anymore, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Had I left then, I might have always wondered...what if I had tried just a bit harder...

This way, I walk away with a clear conscience.

To me, this is so worth the extra time you spent - knowing you made the right choice, that "what if" is meaningless is worth a little more hardship and difficulty upfront as it were. You've a long time ahead of you to enjoy the peace of mind :)

*snip*

It makes me happy to hear that people like you and Neesika have moved out of unhappy situations like this and found your freedom and zest for life again. My mother is in the final stages of a divorce which she has been on the brink of for the last 14 years (since I was 11). She's done so much work on herself and made so much progress, I really hope she finds this kind of freedom and contentment when it's all done. :)

My only major breakup went pretty badly.

The guy and I were friends before we dated and the first time we broke up was 6 months or so into a relationship. We were already going to school in different cities, but I had to move to a further one for a job for the spring and he broke up with me over the phone, a week after reassuring me that we were gonna be fine.

Later in that spring, he came up to visit as a "friend", but neither of us was really back to friend status. By the time the summer rolled around, we were dating again - and in the same city for a while.

In the fall, I had to go back to the job, but it all seemed fine. He had come up to visit a couple of times and early on in the season, I lost my virginity to him. I drove down to see him one night and, out of the blue, he told me he wanted to date someone else. He actually tried to badger me into breaking up with him - I guess so he could feel less shitty about it - but in the end he had to do it himself.

Of course, I had drive back the way I had come for 4 hours in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out the whole way. There was no way I was staying at his place overnight after that.

It doesn't sound that bad in retrospect, I suppose, and it really wouldn't sound bad at all for someone to whom sex is no big deal, but it really screwed up my head for a while. I almost missed out on getting together with my husband because of it.

I'm impressed that you managed to drive home! I would have just parked the car by the side of the road somewhere and sobbed all night.

And I'm very glad it didn't keep you away from your hubby. :)

Oh, I am. Ridiculously so. He is too. I don't want to make this my blog, but the situation is (and has been for the past few years) that we live about 45 minutes apart, he commutes to a job that's about 1.5 hours from where I live, and he is there pretty much every minute of every day. A regular week for him is 9 a.m.-9 p.m., Monday-Sunday, and it's much worse at crunch time (he works for a company owned by 2KSports). We were lucky to see each other once a week for a few hours each time. He doesn't have time to do anything outside of his work, including see me, and although he's trying to get a different job there's really no end in sight.

Basically, I can't be just a happy addition to his busy life, and he can't put something else before his work, no matter how much he loves me, his friends and his family, and we've been making ourselves miserable for a long time trying.

Wow. That's... not so different from my situation.

Well, my SO broke up with me eight months ago because he was miserable in general, and thought it was our relationship. It wasn't. He missed me, we got back together after a couple months. We spent six months trying to find time to make our relationship work - he lives a good thirty minute drive from me, at least, and it's impossible for me to get to by bus. We're also both full time students as well as working full-time jobs, and our schedules are fairly opposing. He's at a point in his life where he is so dedicated to school and work and trying to... make something of himself that he has trouble putting anything else above that, including me, and it both makes me miserable and makes him feel guilty. So he sat me down last week and said that he just couldn't put the effort in anymore; he loves me, but it's just not working. I get jealous of time he spends with other people because he never seems to have enough time to spend with me, and he constantly feels like he's being pressured to do everything at once... and when it came down to it, our relationship just didn't win that fight, I guess.

Anyway. I hope your situation resolves itself in the best way possible for both you and your SO. :)

Oh, and a "fun" breakup story - my closest female friend's fiance of about three years broke up with her...over the phone...while she was in the hospital.

Classy, huh? :rolleyes:

It makes me wonder why we (men and women alike) choose the people we do. I chose a loser and pretty much decided that I wouldn't try it again until I figured out why I attracted losers. It also struck me that it was better to be alone (or at least expend my time and effort on dogs and cats) than to be with someone who was toxic.

Oh, and a "fun" breakup story - my closest female friend's fiance of about three years broke up with her...over the phone...while she was in the hospital.

Classy, huh? :rolleyes:

Reminds me of my aunt. She was in the hospital recovering from an operation for cervical cancer when her husband came by to tell her that he was leaving her for another woman.

Wow. That's... not so different from my situation. *snip*

Anyway. I hope your situation resolves itself in the best way possible for both you and your SO. :)

Gah. That sounds like us exactly. We "broke up" for the first time about a year and a half ago, but it was doomed from the start as we'd already made vacation plans together that were two months away. Sharing a hotel room with someone for a week is a good way to "forget" you've broken up. >_<

The second time (last month) he literally said "it's not working" after a fight on the phone when he was running on about 4 hours late to see me, after canceling the night before. It hurt like hell, even though I'd felt the same way for a long time. Same guilt on his side, same resentment on mine, and we love each other enough that we want the other person to be happy with or without us (gah, so sappy). It's really, really hard not being able to talk to my best friend, though. :(

I hope it works out for you guys, too, whatever is best for you both.

Oh, and a "fun" breakup story - my closest female friend's fiance of about three years broke up with her...over the phone...while she was in the hospital.

Classy, huh? :rolleyes:

Was her fiance Newt Gingrich?

It also struck me that it was better to be alone (or at least expend my time and effort on dogs and cats) than to be with someone who was toxic.

QFT. I have seen so many friends and family jump from one bad relationship to the next because they couldn't stand to be alone with themselves. And then they wonder why it always goes horribly wrong.

Reminds me of my aunt. She was in the hospital recovering from an operation for cervical cancer when her husband came by to tell her that he was leaving her for another woman.

It seems unbelievable that someone could do such a thing to a person they purportedly once loved, but it happens all too often.

Of course, women can be cold-hearted bastards too. My uncle had a long-time affair during his marriage (we're talking 10, maybe 15 years). My aunt tried not to know about it, but a few years ago it came out in the open and she couldn't deny it anymore. A month or so later she killed herself in their bedroom.

Now, I put all of the blame on my uncle, as he was married, but to look at the woman he'd been having the affair with, you'd think she'd won the lottery. She moved into the bedroom he'd share with his wife, where my aunt had killed herself, and they got married less than two years later.

... and we love each other enough that we want the other person to be happy with or without us (gah, so sappy). It's really, really hard not being able to talk to my best friend, though. :(

Yep. Exactly. Last thing I said to him before he left was "I love you," and his last words to me were "bye, beautiful." We love each other... so much. But we're not making each other happy.

Life is stupid sometimes, hey? You think, man, with all the hate there is in the world, here are two people who love each other... and they still can't make it work. But I also knew, before he even said anything, that it just wasn't working... I spent more time missing him than anything else, and it was turning me into a resentful, moody person. When we're together, we're perfect. When we're apart - which is most of the time - it just breeds too much unhappiness.

Ugh. A large part of me wants us to get back together - again - but I know he won't let that happen. He's too logical to give round three a shot. So, I'm doing my best to forget how much I love him, and move on. We'll see how well this works. Anyway, no more blogging for me, I promise.

Congrats on acquiring your freedom, girl.

My break-up form my almost three year fiancé has been bitter. I´m still going through it, but I´m sure I´ll be fine in the end. And so will you. Ciao!

Yikes! When did this breakup begin? I'm out of touch, I thought things were going well, sorry to hear this :(

So, with that being said, please excuse me if I am a little sickened by your happiness of divorce. Its one of the worst things society offers. I can understand some divorces, such as abuse. But when people hit a hard spot and just divorce, it pisses me the hell off.


:soap:

I'll refrain from pointing out to you how abusive your parent's relationship with one another sounds from your description.

"A hard spot"? I hit a hard spot two years into the relationship when I realised what an abusive man I had roped myself to. But I stuck it out, because I figured I could learn to be more assertive, and he could learn to stop being such a jealous, controlling freak.

The next hard spot would be when he cheated on me the first time. We worked through it. He was still a jealous, controlling freak though.

Oh, hmmm...him cheating on me after our first daughter was born and WHILE I was preganant with the second...giving me two STDs...yeah. That was a hard spot too. I hit it pretty fucking hard. But the problem was, by that time, I was completely cut off from friends and family, living 3000km away, and completely dependent on him financially. So I stuck it out. After the next one-night-stand too. Woohoo, got herpes that time.

I have gone to counselling session upon counselling session with him. I left five times before this, hoping he'd get the message and stop being an abusive shithead. Yes, he's got plenty of good qualities...but ignoring the abusive crap, and focusing just on the good? Made me fucking miserable, and had me stuck in a marriage that felt like prison.

So don't tell me about hard spots, and how you shouldn't just divorce on a whim. I worked my ass off to keep this relationship together, for nearly 12 years. It can't work, it won't work, it isn't going to work, and it's done.

You bet your ass I'm happy about it. I've just released myself from prison.

Yep. Exactly. Last thing I said to him before he left was "I love you," and his last words to me were "bye, beautiful." We love each other... so much. But we're not making each other happy.

Life is stupid sometimes, hey? You think, man, with all the hate there is in the world, here are two people who love each other... and they still can't make it work. But I also knew, before he even said anything, that it just wasn't working... I spent more time missing him than anything else, and it was turning me into a resentful, moody person. When we're together, we're perfect. When we're apart - which is most of the time - it just breeds too much unhappiness.

Ugh. A large part of me wants us to get back together - again - but I know he won't let that happen. He's too logical to give round three a shot. So, I'm doing my best to forget how much I love him, and move on. We'll see how well this works. Anyway, no more blogging for me, I promise.

Ctrl-c+v. This is exactly how I feel right now.

What determines happiness though? These days happiness is decided on a whim. You don't like the way she snores. She doesn't like the way you do this. No one is considering sticking it out through the hard times. The first fight becomes the last. Like I said, I can understand some reasons for divorce(spousal abuse, for example), but when this country has a rate of over 50% (iirc), there is a problem. How many kids these days are raised by one parent? Do you know how it feels to only see your dad twice a MONTH, if that? And do you know how it feels that when you are there, you hate him because of what one parent says?

My mom's own selfish desires, led her to be a single mom raising two kids. Consequently, those desires led to her downfall. People only think in the short term these days. They don't see the long term consequences. They don't see the psychological pressure they put on kids, or the economic strain on themselves. They don't see the future court battles, or the dirty looks, or whatever. All they see is they are unhappy right now, so therefore the entire rest of the marriage will be unhappy, and thus they need to get divorced to go find a happiness that will last longer, when all they really needed to do was maybe get a bit of counseling, or trying to give more than usual. People want to take, and take more, but never give anything.

Now, I'm pissed again.

Sorry your mom is a selfish and stupid bitch.

Don't paint the rest of us with the same skanky brush.

I know any number of parents who have divorced, and who do a damn good job of raising their kids fairly and without acrimony.

So don't tell me about hard spots, and how you shouldn't just divorce on a whim. I worked my ass off to keep this relationship together, for nearly 12 years. It can't work, it won't work, it isn't going to work, and it's done.

You bet your ass I'm happy about it. I've just released myself from prison.

Amen, lady. Marriage is a contract, it's not a magic spell. Divorce is far from the worst thing that can happen. People change jobs, careers, cities, schools, hair styles, religions... but somehow realizing that the person you're sharing your house with is not the one you need, and that in fact you are doing each other more harm than good, is seen as some horrendous failure.

I wish my parents had divorced 10 or 15 years ago. Things would be a lot easier today for everyone.

You can imagine how closely I followed this little bit of dialogue.:fluffle:

What can I say, I'm impulsive, but I meant it:)



I'll probably wonder for the rest of my life if I could have made it work, but I don't doubt for a second that my ex would not have made the same effort. But I am not so bitter that I can't look forward to the future. And I have someone beautiful waiting for me there.

Te adoro.

You bet your ass I'm happy about it. I've just released myself from prison.

It sounds like it was fucking horrible. Well done Sin. I wish you the best because I think you really did the right thing. Getting out of the wrong long term relationship is like realizing that you are not drowning anymore &c. (platitude, platitude and some such; but seriously I wish you the best).

Doesn't mean my vagina is not sandy anymore tho.

Now, my dad is on his third marriage, and is about to come across a huge settlement payoff, and guess what? My mom takes him to court. So, now they are in this long ass battle, and I don't even know over what. All I know is that it looks like another lose-lose situation for them. Both of them are guilty of breaking the court orders. My sister is really the one being hurt by this the most.

Well those clearly seem like two people who need to be together. :rolleyes:

How about this: your mom sounds narcissistic and your dad sounds codependent. It's a common and fatal combination. They weren't happy then and they aren't happy now because they've tried to fix the problems inside themselves by changing things outside. Staying married and "sticking it out" in that situation is just prolonging the inevitable and making everyone miserable along the way.

My parents started making noises about divorce when I was 11. Years after the screaming fights and hidden liquor bottles began. I wish to god they'd done it then, maybe now they'd be on about their own separate lives.

Possibly the worst thing he did to me was to convince me that my music was nothing short of torture for anybody unfortunate enough to be in the same city as me, something i haven't been able to fully shake off yet. He treated me and my family like dirt and made it clear we were barely tolerated. He ignored any efforts I made in any way, and would do things like putting food I'd cooked straight into the bin.By the time I left him, I had no confidence, no friends and no money.

That sounds disturbingly familiar. I was so tired of him bitching about my 'gringa' cooking. I think he's intimidated by my education and worked hard over the years to make me feel stupid. Except he would push me away emotionally and then demand sex. Ugh.

The first month after I left him, waiting for the pay day when my salary would be paid into my own bank account, I put a roof over my head by selling sex. That sucks.



Getting divorced was difficult because I believed in marriage, and believed in myself, my strength and commitment. Finding out that I wasn't enough to make it work, that life wasn't altogether in my control, and that my core assumptions about how life and relationships work were so flawed was emotionally disorienting, and it took me some time to find my feet again. I think the above is the main reason I didn't leave after year 2.

However, the sense of freedom I had to be in control of my own finances, to play my music out loud, to go out and make friends, to sleep easily instead or to doze precariously balanced on the edge of the bed... I felt ecstatic almost continuously for years :) Today for the first time, I enjoyed the feeling of not giving a shit that the house was messy. My normal reaction to him getting home to a messy house would be a flash of fear, wondering how he was going to take it out on me this time....cold silence? Dirty looks? Insults?

Yeah, fuck that. It's his house, he can keep it clean now.

I now live with a beautiful man who is utterly decent, loving, affectionate and proud of my music, I'm financially independent and am comfortable with who i am. Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did.

sorry this is so long, I honestly tried to make it concise!
Thanks for sharing...I'm sorry you had to go through such shit to get to your good ending...but maybe you needed it to appreciate life:) That's the way I'm looking at it, baby!

err... congratulations... I guess...

can't give you any words of wisdom, but I can offer support should you feel the need to return to him.

Fuck. That.

I've got a much brighter future than treading old, barren ground.

Basically, I can't be just a happy addition to his busy life, and he can't put something else before his work, no matter how much he loves me, his friends and his family, and we've been making ourselves miserable for a long time trying.
That really sucks, sorry.

I'll tell you my parents experience. Married for 10(maybe 11?) years. Mom cheated on my dad during the last few years. So my dad left. Mom made me hate my dad, telling me he was the one cheating. Stayed together. Everyone lost. I was 10 almost 11 at the time. My mother still cheats. My father still cries. They fight all the time. Everything I've learned about a loving relationship, I've learned from them. I've learned that no matter how unhappy you are with another person you stay with them for life. I've learned that love doesn't make you happy and doesn't have to be with someone you like. It's a lose-lose situation and I wish they'd moved on with their lives.

So, with that being said, please excuse me if I am a little sickened by your happiness of marriage. Its one of the worst things society offers. I can understand some marriages, such as true love. But when people hit a good spot and just get married, it pisses me the hell off.

/soap box

When you base it on one experience, seems like you make it apply to anything. I bet I could prove that bleu cheese is evil with that kind of "rational" thought.

I'll refrain from pointing out to you how abusive your parent's relationship with one another sounds from your description.

"A hard spot"? I hit a hard spot two years into the relationship when I realised what an abusive man I had roped myself to. But I stuck it out, because I figured I could learn to be more assertive, and he could learn to stop being such a jealous, controlling freak.

The next hard spot would be when he cheated on me the first time. We worked through it. He was still a jealous, controlling freak though.

Oh, hmmm...him cheating on me after our first daughter was born and WHILE I was preganant with the second...giving me two STDs...yeah. That was a hard spot too. I hit it pretty fucking hard. But the problem was, by that time, I was completely cut off from friends and family, living 3000km away, and completely dependent on him financially. So I stuck it out. After the next one-night-stand too. Woohoo, got herpes that time.

I have gone to counselling session upon counselling session with him. I left five times before this, hoping he'd get the message and stop being an abusive shithead. Yes, he's got plenty of good qualities...but ignoring the abusive crap, and focusing just on the good? Made me fucking miserable, and had me stuck in a marriage that felt like prison.

So don't tell me about hard spots, and how you shouldn't just divorce on a whim. I worked my ass off to keep this relationship together, for nearly 12 years. It can't work, it won't work, it isn't going to work, and it's done.

You bet your ass I'm happy about it. I've just released myself from prison.

*Hugs*

Too bad you couldn't get away sooner. Hope it will work out better this time http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/basic/smile.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

I bet I could prove that bleu cheese is evil with that kind of "rational" thought.

Bleu cheese is evil. It's neither cheese nor blue. I mean WTF?

Bleu cheese is evil. It's neither cheese nor blue. I mean WTF?

Um, you're gettting the wrong kinds then.

I'm impressed that you managed to drive home! I would have just parked the car by the side of the road somewhere and sobbed all night.

I probably couldn't have either, except I called ahead to a good friend of mine who agreed to stay up and wait for me to get there.

I did almost run out of gas, though, because I wasn't paying attention. And several truckers flashed their lights at me. I never did figure out why.

And I'm very glad it didn't keep you away from your hubby. :)

Me too!

It may sound odd, but it was seeing the ex again that made me able to start dating hubby. We had been friends before and I'm not one for giving up friends, so after a good 6 months of virtually no contact, we started talking on the phone again. We decided to go to the movies with a couple of other friends when I was in town. It was weird and awkward (especially since the other friends showed up late), but the experience made me realize that I truly didn't want to be with him any more. I was past it. Hubby and I were dating a month and a half later. =)

Feh. It's Saturday. If I can't motivate myself to go harass NA, then I'm pretty much up for nothing. Maybe I'll spank you on Monday. ;)

Is that a Dread Pirate Roberts kind of promise? "Good night, Westley. I'll probably kill you tomorrow....." Well, I'll take what I can get. I usually do.

Perhaps, although having a high libido and a high self esteem is like playing russian roulette with yourself and a pinata. Sometimes you get the candy. Sometimes you get the bullet. And you never know which it'll be until it happens.

I'll attribute the relative oddness of that analogy to your hangover...or wonder what kind of opposably-thumbed weird-ass piñatas you've played with.

Blind Date thread ftw?

I'm not sure. I have read a few women here that are plenty alluring in type, and I'd be honored to be set up with any of them, but I'm probably a bit old for some of them and there's always been a rule with me and compatible women: the better they are for me, the farther away from me they live.

Don't feel bad, I turned someone gay. Well, I think he was already gay, I think I just made him realize it.

BTDT. I've probably chatted up more lesbians in my time than straight women. Thing is, they were usually the better conversationalists.

*snip*
I think he's intimidated by my education and worked hard over the years to make me feel stupid.
*snip*

Someone's gotta explain this crap to me, 'cause I don't get it. I'd knock myself out for someone who can banter with me and educate me and allow me to do the same. Being intimidated by a woman's intelligence to me is a major turn-on. It also makes me want to improve myself (in a good way -- any competitive nature in me is always friendly and additive rather than nasty and destructive).

I have decided, after three-plus years here, that this thread with the people posting here is a place I feel comfortable enough to share the worst decision of my entire life. It revolves around my earlier mention of having the high-libido/low-self-esteem combination and what not being able to control the conflagration of the two did to my career. However, I'm ending this post with where things are now.

When I say I dig the smart ones, I mean it. The woman I'm with now I met when I moved to Bismarck three years ago for a professorship. She's originally from Buffalo, has degrees in clarinet performance and German from UBuf, and a Doctorate in saxophone and music theory from the Peabody Conservatory at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. Meeting her changed my life for the better, as it was she who taught me introductory yoga, hiking (I've climbed three of Colorado's fourteeners with her) and cooking (she's jokingly pissed that my cookies are better than hers) -- none of which I'd have elected to learn on my own.

She is not conventionally beautiful (I've yet to fall for someone who is), and her hiker's thighs could probably crush a cinder block, but to me she's gorgeous, talented (she's a regular performer at the International Clarinet Association conference), and in her own unassuming and awkward way, hot-librarian sexy. The university has drained us both of our confidence and already gotten rid of me. I'll be at a college in eastern Washington this fall, and she's staying on in her position in order to get more experience in administration, which is where she really wants to be.

We've spent part of the last three summers together in Summit County, Colorado, where her summer job is, and I've been three weeks away from her. Already I miss her. Knowing I won't have her in the office next door is not pleasant. We will see each other once more in Hood River, Oregon as she goes there for yoga instructor training. After that, it's only holidays when we can afford to make the 950-mile (1529-kilometer) trip.

Wrinkles: she's fiercely independent, and as such does not and never will want to get married. Neither does she want children. I've never had a solid design on either of those two things myself, but neither have I made the decision to shut them out completely. I know she wants to continue the relationship, as she loves me and I her. However, I know me. It isn't that I'll go looking for someone new in my new city, but I wasn't looking for her in North Dakota. I know my luck, I know the way fate plays with me -- someone new will find me. Okay, I don't know that for a fact, but I can extrapolate that from a combination of experience and gut feeling. Right now I'd say no to anyone new. I'd like to say I'll be as resilient in, say, February. I don't know if I can.

I am very sad. I've had some people tell me that she deserves no commitment if she's not willing to marry me. My response is that it takes more commitment to stay together in the absence of the threat of the hassle of divorce than it does to stay together precisely because divorce is such a hassle. I've had others tell me that anyone who "gets me" and actually wants to be with me should be held on to with vigor. I agree. I know I should just subsume the whole mess and focus on my new job and not even worry about what's going to happen. But I can't control every subconsciously-generated thought. And right now, my mind is chewing on this.

I don't necessarily want advice, but I trust the people posting in this thread quite a lot. So fire away if you have anything to say. Thanks in advance.

My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. My ex-husband had a lot of issues that he took out on me. He would physically push me away from him if I got too close, I wasn't allowed to sit on the same sofa as him and he kept a rolled up quilt down the middle of the bed to make sure I kept my distance during the night. We didn't have sex for the last few years we were together. He would also spend our entire joint salaries on rubbish and going out with somebody else during the evening's that i was working overtime to try and pay the bills.

Possibly the worst thing he did to me was to convince me that my music was nothing short of torture for anybody unfortunate enough to be in the same city as me, something i haven't been able to fully shake off yet. He treated me and my family like dirt and made it clear we were barely tolerated. He ignored any efforts I made in any way, and would do things like putting food I'd cooked straight into the bin. By the time I left him, I had no confidence, no friends and no money. The first month after I left him, waiting for the pay day when my salary would be paid into my own bank account, I put a roof over my head by selling sex.

The first month after that, when I put a roof over my head by means of the day job and got to the next pay day with £2 left in the bank, was joyous. When I left, he cried and told me he couldn't live without me, that he was sorry, that he new he'd done bad things. He wrote me a letter, which i still have, where he admitted that I'd done more than any sane person would to make the marriage work but that he'd carried on pushing "to see how much I loved him". 12 hours after I left, he moved in with another girl.


These stories always both break my heart, scare me, and make me feel very happy.

It breaks my heart to see that people like your ex-husband exist, and people like you suffer through those things.

It scares me, because as much as I say "OMG if my SO did such-and-such I'd break up immediately" but deep down inside I fear that liek so many other women, I'd always find some reason to say that it's not that bad and stick it out, too.

And, of course, I'm very happy to see that you and many others in this thread have managed the break and started a new, fulfilling life. You go!


-snip-
I don't necessarily want advice, but I trust the people posting in this thread quite a lot. So fire away if you have anything to say. Thanks in advance.

I think that you're on the right track, as long as you're as honest with her as you are with us. If you know that you're not very likely to be the kind of person who can just "hold out" for that one other person and be reasonably content and faithful with seeing one another over extended periods of time, then there can be only harm in trying. On the other hand, I also think it is foolish to call a relationship off when it doesn't have to end yet, i.e. when your SO knows about your feelings and agrees to maintain the relationship even with the thought that you don't feel 100% bound to it and may say yes to something else that comes along.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and made a similar choice, and I feel it's a good thing.

And, just for the record, those people who say "She deserves no commitment if she doesn't want to marry" are dickheads. Love, marriage and commitment are terms defined individually by those who share them, and certain people treat "marriage" in a way that isn't included in my definition of commitment, and many people share "commitment" in a way that surpasses quite a lot of what "marriage" means to many.

It makes me happy to hear that people like you and Neesika have moved out of unhappy situations like this and found your freedom and zest for life again. My mother is in the final stages of a divorce which she has been on the brink of for the last 14 years (since I was 11). She's done so much work on herself and made so much progress, I really hope she finds this kind of freedom and contentment when it's all done. :)

Sounds like your mum is on the right track, hope things work out for her :) I'm really sorry to read about your situation, it sounds painful :(

Today for the first time, I enjoyed the feeling of not giving a shit that the house was messy. My normal reaction to him getting home to a messy house would be a flash of fear, wondering how he was going to take it out on me this time....cold silence? Dirty looks? Insults?

Yeah, fuck that. It's his house, he can keep it clean now.


hell yeah :D

Thanks for sharing...I'm sorry you had to go through such shit to get to your good ending...but maybe you needed it to appreciate life That's the way I'm looking at it, baby!


I certainly appreciate good people and freedom in a way I didn't before. I wouldn't be where i am in life without the things that have gone before, and since where i am is pretty good, I can't regret the things that got me here :)



It scares me, because as much as I say "OMG if my SO did such-and-such I'd break up immediately" but deep down inside I fear that liek so many other women, I'd always find some reason to say that it's not that bad and stick it out, too.



If people were assholes from the get go, you'd up and leave straight away. But they're not, they introduce bad behaviour a tiny step at a time and you don't want to kick up a fuss about a little thing and you let it go. It becomes the way of things and then they do something a bit worse, and a bit worse, and a bit worse... It can come as a shock when you step back and look at your situation and realise how much you're being walked over when you'd always been sure you'd never take that kind of treatment.

I suppose the moral of this story is to tackle things that don't sit right with you straight away, even if they're quite minor, and don't let them go just to avoid a row.

If people were assholes from the get go, you'd up and leave straight away. But they're not, they introduce bad behaviour a tiny step at a time and you don't want to kick up a fuss about a little thing and you let it go. It becomes the way of things and then they do something a bit worse, and a bit worse, and a bit worse... It can come as a shock when you step back and look at your situation and realise how much you're being walked over when you'd always been sure you'd never take that kind of treatment.

I suppose the moral of this story is to tackle things that don't sit right with you straight away, even if they're quite minor, and don't let them go just to avoid a row.

Yeah, that's exactly what I fear. I've gone through a relationship that was rather bad very recently, and fortunately it ended all on its own because the guy left to go find himself in a monastery after a few months, but I shudder to think where it would have taken us had it not been that way, because quite honestly I can't see myself having stood up to him any more than I already did (not) in the past.
He'll be back soon, apparently/hopefully full of new insights, and we'll start a whole new relationship from afresh, and I sincerely hope that if I find him unchanged, I'll have the balls to just walk away.

I never had that fear before...that'd I'd put up with too much for too long. But when I think about everything I allowed him to do, things I forgave...well, never fucking again.

It's not that I'm going to begin a life of walking out at the tiniest hint of trouble. Things got so bad in my marriage because I didn't call them when they started to bother me; instead, letting them fester.

I might not know right away WHY something feels wrong to me, but no longer will I wait until I have it all figured out (which is never sometimes) to speak up.

Hopefully I can bring it up, and talk it out and discover whether that feeling of wrongness is based on something substantial, or something tangental. I want to be able to work through those emotional and intellectual processes with the person I'm involved with from now on.

It's about having the balls to know yourself. If you don't...it's easier to compromise...you find less reasons to stand up for yourself. You feel like your reactions aren't valid, or are too extreme, so you bottle.

Don't bottle. Bottle wouldn't approve:)

Yeah, that's exactly what I fear. I've gone through a relationship that was rather bad very recently, and fortunately it ended all on its own because the guy left to go find himself in a monastery after a few months, but I shudder to think where it would have taken us had it not been that way, because quite honestly I can't see myself having stood up to him any more than I already did (not) in the past.
He'll be back soon, apparently/hopefully full of new insights, and we'll start a whole new relationship from afresh, and I sincerely hope that if I find him unchanged, I'll have the balls to just walk away.

why are you starting over with him at all?

you dont need to give him another chance. date other men for a year or so. when YOU feel strong enough to see him again (if ever) then consider seeing him. you dont need to go back to what was a bad relationship.

why are you starting over with him at all?

you dont need to give him another chance. date other men for a year or so. when YOU feel strong enough to see him again (if ever) then consider seeing him. you dont need to go back to what was a bad relationship.

Thanks...I didn't want to say it. I sort of don't think I should be able to give anyone advice until I've managed a recent, decent relationship.

Don't get me wrong...yes, people are capable of change. It's just that most aren't willing to put in the massive effort that takes. They just change surface details.

why are you starting over with him at all?

you dont need to give him another chance. date other men for a year or so. when YOU feel strong enough to see him again (if ever) then consider seeing him. you dont need to go back to what was a bad relationship.

Because I love him and think that the months in the monastery have made him see enough light to make a good relationship between the two of us feasible. If I thought I were going back to the old/bad relationship, I wouldn't do it.

I think that I've learned and changed a lot by healing from the old relationship, and he seems to have matured lots, so I look forwards to a new relationship on new grounds that the two of us worked out in long talks and letters.

Oh, and a "fun" breakup story - my closest female friend's fiance of about three years broke up with her...over the phone...while she was in the hospital.

Classy, huh? :rolleyes:
Was it Newt Gingrich?

Reminds me of my aunt. She was in the hospital recovering from an operation for cervical cancer when her husband came by to tell her that he was leaving her for another woman.

Oh, no, this one's Newt Gingrich. Gotta read all the new posts to find out who the friends of Newt are around here. :D

but you've got to ''always look on the bright side of life''

Because I love him and think that the months in the monastery have made him see enough light to make a good relationship between the two of us feasible. If I thought I were going back to the old/bad relationship, I wouldn't do it.

I think that I've learned and changed a lot by healing from the old relationship, and he seems to have matured lots, so I look forwards to a new relationship on new grounds that the two of us worked out in long talks and letters.

good luck with it.

sometimes even though both people are "good people" they arent good together. love is a requirement for a good relationship but it isnt enough by itself to ensure a good relationship.

I probably couldn't have either, except I called ahead to a good friend of mine who agreed to stay up and wait for me to get there.

I did almost run out of gas, though, because I wasn't paying attention. And several truckers flashed their lights at me. I never did figure out why.
That usually means you were driving without your headlights on. When on-coming drivers flash their lights like that, it's a signal for you to check your own, or that they see something else wrong with your car. You are lucky to have made it home. The spirits were watching out for you that night, maybe because they knew you needed the help.

good luck with it.

sometimes even though both people are "good people" they arent good together. love is a requirement for a good relationship but it isnt enough by itself to ensure a good relationship.
This is so true. One of life's sadnesses, that sometimes you just can't make a thing work. Sometimes you have to know when to let a thing go, no matter how much you might want it.

good luck with it.
Thank you.

.. and in case of bad luck, you'll probbaly hear about it because I'll come whining to NSG.

sometimes even though both people are "good people" they arent good together. love is a requirement for a good relationship but it isnt enough by itself to ensure a good relationship.

I know, and it's the saddest thing. Breaking up for lack of / disturbed emotions is one thing, but breaking up a loving relationship due to rational reasons is a terribly bitter thing.


The situation with us, however, is that he was a downright 'bad' person a lot of the time, and that was why it didn't work out. There are still issues, issues it will be hard to work around and that concern our respective life circumstances/choices, but we both enter this relationship knowing about the risk of breaking up over that. However, we still want to try this new relationship between new people, so to speak.

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

So tell me divorcees and long-term-relationship leavers...what was your break-up like? Nice? Nasty? Short, drawn-out? What wisdom did you take from your experiences?

I don't know yet, but this thread possibly isn't happening at quite the perfect time.

My parents announced just a few days ago that they're separating, so things are going to be interesting for a bit.

My relationship is over, though I haven't told him yet.
The reason the relationship is ending is that it doesn't seem to have a future. I still enjoy spending time with him, so it's fairly easy to avoid having the conversation.

I don't know yet, but this thread possibly isn't happening at quite the perfect time.

My parents announced just a few days ago that they're separating, so things are going to be interesting for a bit.:eek: Neesika's your mom?

Before any of you whine about it, REMEMBER THAT SOME OF US HAVE NEVER EVEN HAD SOMEONE TO BREAKUP/DIVORCE WITH! :mad:

Man do nonsingles annoy me!

Before any of you whine about it, REMEMBER THAT SOME OF US HAVE NEVER EVEN HAD SOMEONE TO BREAKUP/DIVORCE WITH! :mad:

Man do nonsingles annoy me!

Your turn will come, believe me.

Before any of you whine about it, REMEMBER THAT SOME OF US HAVE NEVER EVEN HAD SOMEONE TO BREAKUP/DIVORCE WITH! :mad:

Man do nonsingles annoy me!

Wouldn't have anything to do with your irrational reaction to non-provoking stimuli, would it?

Before any of you whine about it, REMEMBER THAT SOME OF US HAVE NEVER EVEN HAD SOMEONE TO BREAKUP/DIVORCE WITH! :mad:
And? Your point?

My relationship is over, though I haven't told him yet.
The reason the relationship is ending is that it doesn't seem to have a future. I still enjoy spending time with him, so it's fairly easy to avoid having the conversation.

What do you mean by no future? Like you don't like him or you don't think you're going to get married, or..?

What do you mean by no future? Like you don't like him or you don't think you're going to get married, or..?The latter, though I also doubt we'd even ever move in together.

Yikes! When did this breakup begin? I'm out of touch, I thought things were going well, sorry to hear this :(

Don´t worry. It started like 3 weeks ago or is been a month already, I´m not sure. Things had been turning sour for a few months now and when your partner is not in the same frequency as you, nor wants to improve as you do, meh, it´s better to just turn off the switch on the relation. I´m ok, I´ll be ok.

No hay mal que dure 100 años ni cuerpo que lo resista. ;)

Don´t worry. It started like 3 weeks ago or is been a month already, I´m not sure. Things had been turning sour for a few months now and when your partner is not in the same frequency as you, nor wants to improve as you do, meh, it´s better to just turn off the switch on the relation. I´m ok, I´ll be ok.

No hay mal que dure 100 años ni cuerpo que lo resista. ;)

I take responsibility for this. My overpowering sexual musk was just too much for Nanatsu-kun to resist.

I take responsibility for this. My overpowering sexual musk was just too much for Nanatsu-kun to resist.

So desu ne. Galloism-sama wa suba hentai desu yo. Hai hai.

The latter, though I also doubt we'd even ever move in together.

hmm I see. I guess if you're looking for that, and don't think it'll progress to such a state, then thats a good reason.

Personally I'm considering how my relationship is going, its been going on over 2 years, and I'm not really certain I love her anymore, however this is my first girlfriend, so I'm not really sure about well.. anything. Also, we're currently apart due to summer job stuff, so I'm not sure if thats whats going on, and I just need to see her again.

hmm I see. I guess if you're looking for that, and don't think it'll progress to such a state, then thats a good reason.

Personally I'm considering how my relationship is going, its been going on over 2 years, and I'm not really certain I love her anymore, however this is my first girlfriend, so I'm not really sure about well.. anything. Also, we're currently apart due to summer job stuff, so I'm not sure if thats whats going on, and I just need to see her again.

sounds like a good time to go your seperate ways. why lead her along if you dont really love her anymore when she could be out finding someone who does?

Right now to me relationships are a waste of time. Then again, I'm 22 years old, why would I want to be tied down? Besides, I think if I meet the right girl things will just click in my head (if that makes sense).

sounds like a good time to go your seperate ways. why lead her along if you dont really love her anymore when she could be out finding someone who does?

mostly because I'm uncertain if I do love her or not. I'm currently leaning towards the former right now. I think its mostly the being away from her (among other things), is just bringing me down.

mostly because I'm uncertain if I do love her or not. I'm currently leaning towards the former right now. I think its mostly the being away from her (among other things), is just bringing me down.

youre young, shes your first girlfriend. its not a bad thing to move on and get a bit more experience.

:fluffle:

Today's my 10th anniversary.......10yrs, 4 kids,two cats,a guinea pig,chinese rat and several fish.:eek:

:fluffle:

Today's my 10th anniversary.......10yrs, 4 kids,two cats,a guinea pig,chinese rat and several fish.:eek:
Is it legal to be married to all those things at once?

:fluffle:

Today's my 10th anniversary.......10yrs, 4 kids,two cats,a guinea pig,chinese rat and several fish.:eek:

happy anniversary!

s it legal to be married to all those things at once?


hehehe,

only ONE wife,although the guinea pig is a real jealous type

Having broken out of a 4 year relationship about 3 months ago, a relationship that seems to be steering itself back on track now, I think that, when a relationship heads down a rut, certain factors keep people in that rut, if not digging deeper every day, due to being walled in.

The problem often comes down to the blame game and, while some people very much deserve blame, sometimes it needs a step back for reflection. One can be so caught up in the day-to-day back and forth that you fail to realise some underlying issues are at play, which means nothing will be resolved. We naturally see things from our perspective, it can be very hard to admit fault and sometimes we just cannot allow a point without a return.

My girlfriend felt I wasn't doing enough in the relationship, I felt I wasn't being appreciated for what I do. This made me less inclined to do things, which gave power to her point. It dissolved downwards.

It took a step back and, Lord knows, that can be the hardest part - to admit things aren't working before the relationship regresses to the point where it's irrevocable.

A step back can help you to see things from a broader perspective.

People become stubborn, it becomes about winning the individual battles and losing focus on the damaging effects of the overall war.

For some...

I'm probably the oldest one here,

If there is one thing i learned from my first mairrage is this is it,

dont ever stay in a realtionship where your not happy,it's just not worth it,the wated time energy and frustartion is awful.I'ts better to leave before hate sets in

youre young, shes your first girlfriend. its not a bad thing to move on and get a bit more experience.

I agree, but I guess I'd rather not break up with a girl just for the sake of more experience, especially not if it turns out shes the one I'd rather be with anyway. It seems like a bit of dilemma I suppose I shouldn't have been so picky choosing my first one. I guess it comes down to whether or not I can make a good decision on this without any experience beyond this woman.

I'm probably the oldest one here,
Never assume. You'd be surprised at the number of geezers and codgers that haunt this forum.

If there is one thing i learned from my first mairrage is this is it,

dont ever stay in a realtionship where your not happy,it's just not worth it,the wated time energy and frustartion is awful.I'ts better to leave before hate sets in
Truth.

Spelling needs work, but still, truth.

I agree, but I guess I'd rather not break up with a girl just for the sake of more experience, especially not if it turns out shes the one I'd rather be with anyway. It seems like a bit of dilemma I suppose I shouldn't have been so picky choosing my first one. I guess it comes down to whether or not I can make a good decision on this without any experience beyond this woman.

Whatever you do, be honest with her about what you're feeling. Be careful about how you say it, but make sure she knows what's going through your head.

I've had others tell me that anyone who "gets me" and actually wants to be with me should be held on to with vigor. I agree. I know I should just subsume the whole mess and focus on my new job and not even worry about what's going to happen.

Absolutely not. Any relationship you go into with that kind of attitude is doomed to failure. You will never be happy, and you won't make her happy, either.

I really believe you get what you ask for. If you're willing to settle for a woman who loves you but doesn't want the things you want, then that's what you'll get. You have to believe you're worth loving, settling down with, sharing a life with, to get those things. If you don't believe that, why should anyone else?

Was it Newt Gingrich?

That's what I said. ;)

Then again, I'm 22 years old, why would I want to be tied down?

You can have a lot of fun being tied down.

You can have a lot of fun being tied down.

You, I like.

Whatever you do, be honest with her about what you're feeling. Be careful about how you say it, but make sure she knows what's going through your head.

nods, I've always tried to be straight with her.

When my divorce decree arrived in the mail it went something like this...

It was a beautiful sunny day. The bird were singing, the sun was sending its loving rays down upon me, nourishing me with the very love of creation. The air smelled sweet, like the warm, tantalizing aroma of sweetbread or cupcakes baking in mom's oven. I sat upon the front porch, gazing at God's creation, marveling at its beauty until a tear came to my eye. As I wiped it, I saw him.

The mail carrier. He was coming down the path, being escorted by small furry animals, running circles around his feet and chittering playfully. A bluebird landed on his shoulder and sang merrily, in time with the footsteps. A ray of sunlight beamed down upon him, and for a moment I wept as he looked like an angel of mercy.

He extended a large envelope to me, a large knowing grin on his face. I accepted it with joyful, trembling fingers. I don't remember how long we just stood there, looking at each other, kindred spirits as if he too had once been released from a prison of hellish torture and unimaginable suffering. I thanked him, my voice croaking in my throat. He nodded and let go, as the bluebird fluttered lightly over to light upon my shoulder, bringing the sunbeam with it.

O! glorious angel of the U.S. Postal Service! How I delighted in the gift you brought me that day! How I danced! How I made merry all that day and into the next, my soul, so long shackled to misery and despair at last released on the sweet winds of freedom and gladness. How I love thee, blessed freedom! O! joy of the courts who released me from those bonds! O! sweet attorney who, with a pen and a word, set me free of such bonds as humans were never meant to wear about their throats.

I took the envelope in hand and opening it with glad fingers, drew forth the divorce decree. I could hear a choir singing somewhere in the distance as that beautiful paper slid free of the envelope, free like my heart, free like my soul. I clutched it to my chest and looked skyward, feeling the warm sunbeam drying the tears on my cheeks as I wept openly, tasting free air for the first time in so many years.

I dropped to my knees, feeling them sink into the soft, cool grass, even as little squirrels, rabbits and chipmunks began to dance merrily around me. The birds sang a beautiful chorus and I joined them, sobbing with a rapture I had not known could be.

Careful. Zilam's going to REALLY hate how joyful you were upon divorce.

Never assume. You'd be surprised at the number of geezers and codgers that haunt this forum.

Leave us alone. We aren't geezers; we just have more experience!

Leave us alone. We aren't geezers; we just have more experience!

Indeed. I´m just a young´un of 28. And Galloism is 40, so he isn´t that old.:D

*snip*

Were you married to Snow White?

=)

Indeed. I´m just a young´un of 28. And Galloism is 40, so he isn´t that old.:D

I *feel* 40...

I *feel* 40...

I gotta tell you. You really love pain. You´re no where near 40. I should visit you and kick your arse with my fish-slapper.:mad:

Were you married to Snow White?

=)

Gawd I wish I were so I could have put her arse to sleep with a poisoned apple...

Careful. Zilam's going to REALLY hate how joyful you were upon divorce.

Then he oughta marry my ex. Apparently she's not taking applications at the moment but I'm sure there will be an opening as soon as the new guy wakes up...

I'll tell you my parents experience. Married for 10(maybe 11?) years. Mom cheated on my dad during the last few years. So my dad left. Mom made me hate my dad, telling me he was the one cheating. Went through a bad divorce. Everyone lost. I was 10 almost 11 at the time. My dad got remarried. My mom still hasn't been remarried. She goes from man to man, never finding happiness. My dad had a second divorce. Again, wife cheating on him. Now, my dad is on his third marriage, and is about to come across a huge settlement payoff, and guess what? My mom takes him to court. So, now they are in this long ass battle, and I don't even know over what. All I know is that it looks like another lose-lose situation for them. Both of them are guilty of breaking the court orders. My sister is really the one being hurt by this the most.

So, with that being said, please excuse me if I am a little sickened by your happiness of divorce. Its one of the worst things society offers. I can understand some divorces, such as abuse. But when people hit a hard spot and just divorce, it pisses me the hell off.


:soap:



I remember being that idealistic at one time.

If you only knew...

I gotta tell you. You really love pain. You´re no where near 40. I should visit you and kick your arse with my fish-slapper.:mad:

You get so worked up at me getting towards my senior years. It's funny.

You get so worked up at me getting towards my senior years. It's funny.

So are you guys you know, wink wink say no more?

So are you guys you know, wink wink say no more?

Wink wink?

Oh, that!

Well, let me tell you, Galloism, even though nearing his retirement, is excellent in bed. He´s just too modest to say so. I´m not so... :D

I *feel* 40...

You're only as old as you feel. Some folks haven't been felt in years.

So are you guys you know, wink wink say no more?

I'm just a poor innocent southern boy, don't know anything about anything, so I have no idea whatsoever you mean.

I'm just a poor innocent southern boy, don't know anything about anything, so I have no idea whatsoever you mean.

Poor, innocent Southern Boy?! ROFLMFAO!!!

Poor, innocent Southern Boy?! ROFLMFAO!!!

I even have a cowboy hat on and a shotgun next to my bed. I'm as southern as it gets, and just 100% innocent as regards the world.

You're only as old as you feel. Some folks haven't been felt in years.

That certainly puts a new spin on things. I'm two days old! ;)

I even have a cowboy hat on and a shotgun next to my bed. I'm as southern as it gets, and just 100% innocent as regards the world.

Ah, no wonder you keep riding me like a horsey. It´s the cowboy hat and the shotgun. You always search for the correct ambience.

:p

What the --? Is this the break up thread or the hook up thread? ;)

What the --? Is this the break up thread or the hook up thread? ;)

It´s a bit of everything, including consolation and what-have-yous.

It´s a bit of everything, including consolation and what-have-yous.

Clearly, I'm the consolation prize.

It´s a bit of everything, including consolation and what-have-yous.
So, can I take it that you and Galloism are just laying the groundwork for your eventual break up?

Clearly, I'm the consolation prize.

I pledge the 5th. That´s all I will say with regards to this subject.:cool:

So, can I take it that you and Galloism are just laying the groundwork for your eventual break up?

I meant to plead the 5th. But perhaps that´s exactly what we´re doing, Mura. We´re laying the groundwork for the eventual break up.:D

So, can I take it that you and Galloism are just laying the groundwork for your eventual break up?

You can't start too early, these days. I recommend labeling your personal effects, such as toothbrushes and CDs, before moving them into the other person's apartment. It saves the hassle of having to sort them out later.

You can't start too early, these days. I recommend labeling your personal effects, such as toothbrushes and CDs, before moving them into the other person's apartment. It saves the hassle of having to sort them out later.

What makes you think I would let her live with me?

What makes you think I would let her live with me?

It's what we do. Stealth occupation. First the toothbrush, deodorant, then a change of clothes... a few CDs because we can't listen to your music all the time... Before you know it we're sleeping over on weekdays, and then the Pottery Barn guy is asking you to sign off on the delivery of a new couch.

It's what we do. Stealth occupation. First the toothbrush, deodorant, then a change of clothes... a few CDs because we can't listen to your music all the time... Before you know it we're sleeping over on weekdays, and then the Pottery Barn guy is asking you to sign off on the delivery of a new couch.

Amen to that. The problem with Galloism is that he´s too much of a grumpy old man to want me to live with him. Besides, if we share a toothbrush, then I´ll have that nasty Polident flavor of his dentures in my mouth. :D

Amen to that. The problem with Galloism is that he´s too much of a grumpy old man to want me to live with him. Besides, if we share a toothbrush, then I´ll have that nasty Polident flavor of his dentures in my mouth. :D

You should see what I can do with these gums, though. :p

I specialize in disturbing mental images

I'm not sure. I have read a few women here that are plenty alluring in type, and I'd be honored to be set up with any of them, but I'm probably a bit old for some of them and there's always been a rule with me and compatible women: the better they are for me, the farther away from me they live.Erm, hope this isn't a complex of some type. o.9
Perhaps it means a certain amount of psychological abstinence/masochism/abandonment?
Or is it a matter of evaluation of accomplishment?

You should see what I can do with these gums, though. :p

I specialize in disturbing mental imagesYour hair's in the way.

I gotta tell you. You really love pain. You´re no where near 40. I should visit you and kick your arse with my fish-slapper.:mad:

The spectre of Eut to rise again.

I'm moving out tomorrow. I've been stalling...a bit because I didn't have help to move and there is still a lot of my things I need to get over to the new place...but also because I wanted to give him time with the kids and prep the apartment (paint a bit, etc). It's hurting him too much though. I need to move there, and come back during the day while he's working to clean/sort. We need to just be apart for a while and let these wounds heal somewhat.

I hate that I'm hurting a friend. But that's all he'll ever be to me anymore...just a friend. Better now than later; he can rebuild...find happiness.

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

So tell me divorcees and long-term-relationship leavers...what was your break-up like? Nice? Nasty? Short, drawn-out? What wisdom did you take from your experiences?

I was seperated from my wife for 3 years. It was hard so I begged her to have me back, and she said yes! Whoo hoo!

You should see what I can do with these gums, though. :p

I specialize in disturbing mental images

Yap, yap, yap. I know what you can do with those gums: ask for oatmeal.:D

It's what we do. Stealth occupation. First the toothbrush, deodorant, then a change of clothes... a few CDs because we can't listen to your music all the time... Before you know it we're sleeping over on weekdays, and then the Pottery Barn guy is asking you to sign off on the delivery of a new couch.

(Takes notes)

I shall use this in a couple of years...(laughes maniacally, then whooshes into the shadows)

Yap, yap, yap. I know what you can do with those gums: ask for oatmeal.:DThat reminds me of a guy i know who can tie a cherry stem without *any* teeth. He's named after a problematic circumstance, oddly enough.

That reminds me of a guy i know who can tie a cherry stem without *any* teeth. He's named after a problematic circumstance, oddly enough.

Ed? *innocent*

That reminds me of a guy i know who can tie a cherry stem without *any* teeth. He's named after a problematic circumstance, oddly enough.

I can do it without using my teeth....

I can do it without using my teeth....Or fingers/toes.
That part is important.
I'll certainly watch you do it with your toes and tongue, but it doesn't quite ring the same.

Ed? *innocent*
Wasn't Ed a horse? And quite helpful, iirc?
And don't give me that "*innocent*" stuff :p

Or fingers/toes.

Yes well I figured that was implied

I'll certainly watch you do it with your toes and tongue, but it doesn't quite ring the same.

That requires a whole different set of skills.

That requires a whole different set of skills.Well, maybe. Different strokes for different folks, i guess. :)

hmm I see. I guess if you're looking for that, and don't think it'll progress to such a state, then thats a good reason.Indeed.

Personally I'm considering how my relationship is going, its been going on over 2 years, and I'm not really certain I love her anymore, however this is my first girlfriend, so I'm not really sure about well.. anything. Also, we're currently apart due to summer job stuff, so I'm not sure if thats whats going on, and I just need to see her again.You're not sure? Is the uncertainty caused by your separation, or did it begin beforehand?

Yap, yap, yap. I know what you can do with those gums: ask for oatmeal.:D

But it sounds funny coming out without any teeth, plus the fact that I'm old and don't hear so well anymore...

But it sounds funny coming out without any teeth, plus the fact that I'm old and don't hear so well anymore...

Hmmm... I think I'm getting a nice idea at the moment. Take off those dentures, baby!

That reminds me of a guy i know who can tie a cherry stem without *any* teeth. He's named after a problematic circumstance, oddly enough.

That guy is a master. Give him my e-mail.:D

That reminds me of a guy i know who can tie a cherry stem without *any* teeth. He's named after a problematic circumstance, oddly enough.

I still have all my teeth, but my wife actually keeps a collection of cherry stems I've tied for her with my tongue.

I was seperated from my wife for 3 years. It was hard so I begged her to have me back, and she said yes! Whoo hoo!

Gratz!:)

Just don't give up who you are to get her back.

Gratz!:)

Just don't give up who you are to get her back.

Man that was eight years ago, and I'm still me!

Man that was eight years ago, and I'm still me!

:high 5:

I still have all my teeth, but my wife actually keeps a collection of cherry stems I've tied for her with my tongue.:fluffle:
Even in a blind date, god sees me through!

That guy is a master. Give him my e-mail.:D
You know how, in most cases, i'm bereft of scruple and taste? This would be one of the exceptions, trust me.

You know how, in most cases, i'm bereft of scruple and taste? This would be one of the exceptions, trust me.

In that case, I thank you for the reservation.;)

:fluffle:
Even in a blind date, god sees me through!

:snarfs water all over the desk:

dammit....

Wooooohoooooo! *runs around room*

It's done, it's official, it's legal...I am finally 'divorced' from my common-law spouse of 11 years. I've left six times in total over about 8 years. Let's just say, I suck at leaving, but with enough practice, I was able to stick it.

There are a lot of details to be worked out, I'm in the process of moving, and it's certainly not all roses and teddy bears...but having those separation papers in my hand is such a bloody relief.

So tell me divorcees and long-term-relationship leavers...what was your break-up like? Nice? Nasty? Short, drawn-out? What wisdom did you take from your experiences?
I was in a serious relationship for 3 years, if that counts. We weren't married or anything but we were pretty intensely involved.

We eventually broke up for a couple of reasons. One, because I was a sophomore in college and was making a bunch of new friends and didn't want to go spend every weekend alone with my boyfriend at his apartment 1.5 hours away from campus, and he was feeling neglected. Two, because I was kind of tired of him being a drug addict and a criminal.

To be fair, we were drug-using criminals together for most of those three years, and I didn't have a problem with it. The thing was, though, I wanted to use drugs for fun, rather than become a hard-core addict, and while I went through a phase of enjoying illegal activities I never saw it as a permanent lifestyle. I didn't want to be a career criminal, just a bratty teenager.

So when it became obvious that my partner was 1) a really major drug addict and 2) was psychologically incapable of NOT breaking the law, I lost interest. It sounds harsh to put it that way, but that's what it boiled down to. I stopped wanting to invest so much in the relationship. So I broke things off.

Since we split, I've largely lost touch with him. Twice I've received news from friends while relates to my former partner, and in both cases it was because he got arrested for something. The first time he was arrested for having bomb-making equipment and somehow ending up in a weird stand-off with police. The second time was for using Craig's List to attract men who wanted to pay for sex with his girlfriend, and then he and his girlfriend would rob the johns and steal their identities.

Yeah, I don't really regret ending that relationship.