NationStates Jolt Archive

You may remember the Bible story about Onan, the guy who married his brother's widow (a requirement back in those days). In the story, Onan is having sex with her one night, and because he didn't want to get her pregnant, tried the "old Unreliable" method of pulling out, and shooting elsewhere.

In the book, they say, "he spilled his seed on the ground".

God strikes him dead on the spot, because apparently, God doesn't want you to have sex unless you're rolling the dice for procreation (this story is also used to teach that masturbation is bad, because God might strike you dead when your stuff lands on the floor).

So, for those of you who DO fear this sort of Godly retribution, I have found the solution to your problems - you can masturbate AND still satisfy God's requirements in this area.

Store your semen. That's right - freeze it for later - tell God you're just saving it up so you can sell it by the gallon to sperm banks all over the world.

How, do you ask? By using the same storage techniques used by animal breeders worldwide - semen tanks. These will safely store your joyful byproduct for years (guaranteed).

You get to enjoy yourself - and God's requirement is satisfied.

http://sementank.com/sementanks.htm

(and you women thought the anti-abortion message was strange and stupid - we men aren't supposed to masturbate at all).

... nah, I'll be alright thanks...

... nah, I'll be alright thanks...

This is for those who feel compelled to abide by every stricture in the Old Testament, or who feel that every sperm is sacred.

I've got the sneaky feeling that somewhere, somehow, there's the 11th commandment "Thou shalt not freeze the things of the body, for cold cum is an abomination..."

I've got the sneaky feeling that somewhere, somehow, there's the 11th commandment "Thou shalt not freeze the things of the body, for cold cum is an abomination..."
"He who doth freeze his seed shall have no more grow within him" is the version I read.

"He who doth freeze his seed shall have no more grow within him" is the version I read.

Ah. The Reformed Onanist version, is it?

I've got the sneaky feeling that somewhere, somehow, there's the 11th commandment "Thou shalt not freeze the things of the body, for cold cum is an abomination..."

As long as you warm it up, I'm sure Jodie Foster won't mind.

couldn't he of just stuck it in her arse :confused:

As long as you warm it up, I'm sure Jodie Foster won't mind.

:eek:





Congratulations. I have to admit, that seriously freaked me out now...

couldn't he of just stuck it in her arse :confused:

I think some priests will tell you that it's the intent that matters. Doing the donkey punch means that you're trying NOT to get her pregnant. So, the sudden death clause would be invoked... or the burning in Hell clause...

couldn't he of just stuck it in her arse :confused:

You and me must be somehow related....

Ah. The Reformed Onanist version, is it?
Niv youth. Close enough http://www.reloaded.org/forum/style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif

Don't think of it as avoiding pregnancy. Think of it as going for the extreme longshot. ;)

You and me must be somehow related....

I saw a video on youtube the other day, and this guy was saying, "...and as soon as she can take it up the ass without crying, I think we can move forward."

Was that you?

This is for those who feel compelled to abide by every stricture in the Old Testament, or who feel that every sperm is sacred.

Monty Python?

Monty Python?

I'm sure there are some religious people who really exist who believe the words of the song, yes.

Don't think of it as avoiding pregnancy. Think of it as going for the extreme longshot. ;)
I wonder if there's a Guinness World Record for that.

I wonder if there's a Guinness World Record for that.

I keep hearing 18 feet being bandied about...

As far as I understand that requirement was there (combined with the fact that the off-spring at least first the of which, would be considered the dead brothers ) to keep the inheritance structure of the nation in tact.

By "removing" himself he was perhaps fulfilling the law in code, but not in spirit. It wasn't the sexual aspect of spilling his "seed" it was hypocrisy/deceitfulness of it which directly went against God's instructions to keep the structural integrity of the nation in tact
.

As far as I understand that requirement was there (combined with the fact that the off-spring at least first the of which, would be considered the dead brothers ) to keep the inheritance structure of the nation in tact.

By "removing" himself he was perhaps fulfilling the law in code, but not in spirit. It wasn't the sexual aspect of spilling his "seed" it was hypocrisy/deceitfulness of it which directly went against God's instructions to keep the structural integrity of the nation in tact
.

So the Bukkake people are still ok then?

So the Bukkake people are still ok then?
Only if none of it touches the floor. If even a drop gets there, every single man involved dies. Srsly.

Only if none of it touches the floor. If even a drop gets there, every single man involved dies. Srsly.

This might explain why theres not as many Japanese as there is Chinese....

This might explain why theres not as many Japanese as there is Chinese....
So my sources would suggest, aye.

*is stricken dead*

The way this story was explained to me, (by my catholic education teacher) was that his sin was not getting her pregnant, for his brother's sake of having an heir, and not simply because he spilled his seed.

(edit: someone beat me to it)

The actual sin under these circumstances are more about pride and duty. The individual by the law was required to provide an heir, a son to the widow on behalf of his deceased brother. That child would be considered the son or daughter of his brother and not himself. Masturbation however, is more a sin, because while doing it you would generally lust after, or make an object of sexual desire, sub human, out of another person. So it comes more from the commandment Thou Shalt not covet your neighbors wife, a sin of intention, more than of action. I like the creative thinking though, extra Points! But it I guess I am not really adding to the conversation here, because someone else has explained this.

In the book, they say, "he spilled his seed on the ground".


This can be avoided through methods more natural than jerking into a can. Remember, there was nothing said about not spilling the seed on (or into) someone else.

I get around the whole not 'spilling your seed onto barren ground' by spilling it into potting mix. Mainly into the neighbours plantpots outside her toilet window.


An ex-g/f told me her ex-b/f, coming (excuse the pun) as he did from a strict Christian household, would eat his own sperm after knocking one out in order to stop it being 'spilled on barren ground'. The lengths some people go to to justify their silly religious beliefs - or perhaps to justify their own silly sexual fetishes...
"I'm only putting in on my toast it to stop God from killing me, honest!"

Oh for crying out loud, if the scripture can't be misinterpreted, misrepresented, misunderstood and mistranslated here in NSG then it can't be done anywhere.

In the story of Onan, Onan does NOT get punished for spilling his seed on the ground, he gets punished because he's directed to have intercourse with his brothers widow for the purpose of giving her the Son that her husband failed to achieve before he died. So Onan was supposed to provide the seed for his 'brothers' wife to have a son. Onan didn't want the lady to have a Son that wouldn't be his, but instead of saying no he wouldn't go, instead he would use her for his own pleasure and then not give her the agreed to price (his seed). It was her seed, not his, and he ruined it instead of giving it to her. That's why it was wicked.


Genesis 38:8-10
Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also.

Oh for crying out loud, if the scripture can't be misinterpreted, misrepresented, misunderstood and mistranslated here in NSG then it can't be done anywhere.

^QFT

Apparently "^QFT" is too short, and five characters are required.

the whole frozen semen thing is far too costly. its not just buying the tank but maintaining it too.

then looking at it and realizing that filling up 600 straws of semen for permanent storage is pretty stupid when you only plan on having 2 kids and expect to produce them in the usual way.

and then realizing that even if you dont masturbate you waste all those sperm anyway

its better to move to a church that has a more rational understanding of the story of onan and the nature of god's forgiveness. much cheaper, no storage problems and the new church probably has a better all around message anyway.

"Semen Tanks" is a good band name.

Oh for crying out loud, if the scripture can't be misinterpreted, misrepresented, misunderstood and mistranslated here in NSG then it can't be done anywhere.

In the story of Onan, Onan does NOT get punished for spilling his seed on the ground, he gets punished because he's directed to have intercourse with his brothers widow for the purpose of giving her the Son that her husband failed to achieve before he died. So Onan was supposed to provide the seed for his 'brothers' wife to have a son. Onan didn't want the lady to have a Son that wouldn't be his, but instead of saying no he wouldn't go, instead he would use her for his own pleasure and then not give her the agreed to price (his seed). It was her seed, not his, and he ruined it instead of giving it to her. That's why it was wicked.


Genesis 38:8-10
Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also.

And this is better than being tzortched for spilling it on the ground how?

"Semen Tanks" is a good band name.

Especially for an L7-like all-chick metal band.

"Semen Tanks" is a good band name.

It'll replace "Sperm Dumpster" on all those t-shirt that girls wear for some damn reason....

I don't get it either. Mind you, there are a lot of things I don't get. Unfortunately there are also a lot of things that I do get, even though it was never my intention to understand those things.

Teh lulz!

I'm fine......

/Politics in the bible also.

Genesis 38:8-10
[INDENT]Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his.

That... is just silly. Are you certain God did not strike him down for being confused in the whole "when is someone my son" department ?

And this is better than being tzortched for spilling it on the ground how?

When a rapist gets punished you feel bad for the rapist? That's odd, I don't.

Onan was essentially just repeatedly using his sister-in-law to gain carnal knowledge, raping her for the sex instead of doing what he was supposed to be doing, which was providing her with seed for a son in the name of her deceased husband, his brother. More of a rapist than anything else.

That... is just silly. Are you certain God did not strike him down for being confused in the whole "when is someone my son" department ?

It's not silly, the woman lost her husband, she had no children. They didn't have welfare and social security plans back then, she needed to have a son to carry on the family business and a family support system for herself, something to last her entire lifetime. Who else would take care of her in her old years if she didn't have a husband? She needed a son who would some day get married and have grand children and create a family around her. Her entire lifelong livelihood was threatened if she (and others widows like her) weren't enabled in some way to produce heirs and somehow produce children to create a family system around themselves.

The son Onan was supposed to produce with her would be hers, not his. Onan needed to produce a son with his own wife if he wanted the son to be his own...

Let's put it this way. I should've been struck down long ago. :eek:

When a rapist gets punished you feel bad for the rapist? That's odd, I don't.

Onan was essentially just repeatedly using his sister-in-law to gain carnal knowledge, raping her for the sex instead of doing what he was supposed to be doing, which was providing her with seed for a son in the name of her deceased husband, his brother. More of a rapist than anything else.

Having sex for pleasure is not rape.





I can't believe I actually had to tell someone that. What the fuck.

Having sex for pleasure is not rape.
I can't believe I actually had to tell someone that. What the fuck.

It's a strange world.

Having sex for pleasure is not rape.





I can't believe I actually had to tell someone that. What the fuck.

He was having sex with her for his pleasure, she was having sex with him for the seed to produce a son. She delivered but when it came time for him to pay up, he didn't, he robbed her several times by the sound of it. I can believe I actually had to tell someone that. :rolleyes:

He was having sex with her for his pleasure, she was having sex with him for the seed to produce a son. She delivered but when it came time for him to pay up, he didn't, he robbed her several times by the sound of it. I can believe I actually had to tell someone that. :rolleyes:

Oh no, i've gone cross-eyed.

He was having sex with her for his pleasure, she was having sex with him for the seed to produce a son. She delivered but when it came time for him to pay up, he didn't, he robbed her several times by the sound of it. I can believe I actually had to tell someone that. :rolleyes:

thats not rape thats breach of contract.

she should have been able to get him in trouble with the rabbi when he started that seed on the ground foolishness

He was having sex with her for his pleasure, she was having sex with him for the seed to produce a son. She delivered but when it came time for him to pay up, he didn't, he robbed her several times by the sound of it. I can believe I actually had to tell someone that. :rolleyes:

So, he consented to have sex, and she consented to have sex, but somehow it is still comparable to rape, because they consented for different reasons.


Oh, but I see you've downgraded it to robbery now. Pity, as it isn't comparable to robbery either. Robbery requires the use of force or intimidation.

If anything, God was robbing Onan of his sperm by intimidating him into getting his sister-in-law pregnant. Though not really, since it was probably legal for that sort of thing to happen back then.

thats not rape thats breach of contract.

I Agree. It's gaining carnal knowledge under false pretenses though, it's like rape because he manipulated her into agreeing to it, she didn't agree to what he was really doing though. So it's more like rape than not.

she should have been able to get him in trouble with the rabbi when he started that seed on the ground foolishness

I agree again, but in this case, apparently God took care of it.

If god exists, I think he's a little sadistic.

So, he consented to have sex, and she consented to have sex, but somehow it is still comparable to rape, because they consented for different reasons.


Oh, but I see you've downgraded it to robbery now. Pity, as it isn't comparable to robbery either. Robbery requires the use of force or intimidation.

If anything, God was robbing Onan of his sperm by intimidating him into getting his sister-in-law pregnant. Though not really, since it was probably legal for that sort of thing to happen back then.

He agreed to provide a service, he could have said no, he took the pay but he didn't provided the product. He robbed her of her seed instead of giving it to her.

Like offering to pay someone a glass full of water for mowing your yard, then when they are done mowing, you show them the glass of water but pour it on the ground in front of them instead of letting them drink it...

I Agree. It's gaining carnal knowledge under false pretenses though, it's like rape because he manipulated her into agreeing to it, she didn't agree to what he was really doing though. So it's more like rape than not.

That is not how rape works at all. Lying to get someone to have sex with you isn't even a little bit like rape. Rape doesn't necessarily involve manipulation, either.


Seriously, do you even know what the word rape means?

Rape-To engage in an act of intercourse without the consent of the other person/To be forced into a sexual act.

There's your def.

I Agree. It's gaining carnal knowledge under false pretenses though, it's like rape because he manipulated her into agreeing to it, she didn't agree to what he was really doing though. So it's more like rape than not.



I agree again, but in this case, apparently God took care of it.

there are so many possible lessons out of this story.

not just the typical "dont waste semen", "dont masturbate" but also "dont mislead a woman into sex", "dont agree to something then reneg", "dont defy the law", "dont defy religion", "dont be so freaking mean to your dead brother"

He agreed to provide a service, he could have said no, he took the pay but he didn't provided the product.
He could have said no? Doesn't look like that to me. 'Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother."'. That looks distinctly like an order, not a request.
He robbed her of her seed instead of giving it to her.
He did not use force or intimidation to illegally take her property from her. He did not rob her.

Like offering to pay someone a glass full of water for mowing your yard, then when they are done mowing, you show them the glass of water but pour it on the ground in front of them instead of letting them drink it...

No, it's like an important person in your society telling you to get a woman pregnant, regardless of how you feel about it, and then getting killed for trying to weasel out of it.

The son Onan was supposed to produce with her would be hers, not his.
Onan needed to produce a son with his own wife if he wanted the son to be his own...

Aaah - my bad. I did not realise we were talking about sons as in "property" instead of as in a "human being spawned by 2 others".

When a rapist gets punished you feel bad for the rapist? That's odd, I don't.

Onan was essentially just repeatedly using his sister-in-law to gain carnal knowledge, raping her for the sex instead of doing what he was supposed to be doing, which was providing her with seed for a son in the name of her deceased husband, his brother. More of a rapist than anything else.

Unbelievable. How did you make that jump, and why are you not on your nation's track team in the Beijing games? When did I say ANYTHING REMOTELY like that? I normally don't react angrily to being misinterpreted, but this is such a deliberate misinterpretation that I've got no choice but to think that you're doing it just to try and get a rise out of me. What I said was what's the difference between being struck down for breach of duty versus merely spilling seed -- and you turned that into me feeling bad for a hypothetical rapist? That's rank bullshit, pal, and I'd like you to apologize.

Having sex for pleasure is not rape.


I can't believe I actually had to tell someone that. What the fuck.

Agreed, in spades.

He agreed to provide a service, he could have said no, he took the pay but he didn't provided the product. He robbed her of her seed instead of giving it to her.

"Her seed"? Okay.

Also, "he could have said no" -- to the Old Testament God? Spectacularly bad idea from what I've read.

Like offering to pay someone a glass full of water for mowing your yard, then when they are done mowing, you show them the glass of water but pour it on the ground in front of them instead of letting them drink it...

Wow. Just wow. Your analogy lobe is broken.

You may remember the Bible story about Onan, the guy who married his brother's widow (a requirement back in those days). In the story, Onan is having sex with her one night, and because he didn't want to get her pregnant, tried the "old Unreliable" method of pulling out, and shooting elsewhere.

In the book, they say, "he spilled his seed on the ground".

God strikes him dead on the spot, because apparently, God doesn't want you to have sex unless you're rolling the dice for procreation (this story is also used to teach that masturbation is bad, because God might strike you dead when your stuff lands on the floor).

So, for those of you who DO fear this sort of Godly retribution, I have found the solution to your problems - you can masturbate AND still satisfy God's requirements in this area.

Store your semen. That's right - freeze it for later - tell God you're just saving it up so you can sell it by the gallon to sperm banks all over the world.

How, do you ask? By using the same storage techniques used by animal breeders worldwide - semen tanks. These will safely store your joyful byproduct for years (guaranteed).

You get to enjoy yourself - and God's requirement is satisfied.

http://sementank.com/sementanks.htm

(and you women thought the anti-abortion message was strange and stupid - we men aren't supposed to masturbate at all).I more appreciate Moral Orel's take on it, personally.
Aside from that, in this regard, sin, sin, sin again! It enriches your "soul".
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised!

If god exists, I think he's a little sadistic.

He exists. His PR director(s) makes him seem sadistic.

He exists. His PR director(s) makes him seem sadistic.Like with any sale, of course, he's losing profit because of it. He really wants to make the sale, they need to make something more appealing on a broad sense (other than guilt of course). Else quicker people with better product will show up and he'll lose the market share ... as he is, and he'll go bankrupt trying to keep up, which he's dangerously close to as is.
Course, inferior productline is good anyway, because it inspires people to adopt/adapt/improve, and the economy stays strong with that kind of competition. The consumer ultimately wins.

Like with any sale, of course, he's losing profit because of it. He really wants to make the sale, they need to make something more appealing on a broad sense (other than guilt of course). Else quicker people with better product will show up and he'll lose the market share ... as he is, and he'll go bankrupt trying to keep up, which he's dangerously close to as is.
Course, inferior productline is good anyway, because it inspires people to adopt/adapt/improve, and the economy stays strong with that kind of competition. The consumer ultimately wins.
I think I can play buzzword bingo with that...

I think I can play buzzword bingo with that...Hell, i can play "safeword" bingo with that!