NationStates Jolt Archive

Last year I was dating a guy and we ended our relationship because I was moving away and a long distance relationship wasn't going to work.
Shortly after, he started dating a girl he had previously dated who he still had feelings for who now lives far away. They're still dating and they're both moving to the same place in a couple of months, but he has been sporadically complaining to me that she completely ignores him, has never called him, never written him, I don't think she's ever visited him although he's visited her a number of times and rarely emails since they started dating again. He's told her that this bothers him and she's apologized, but she hasn't changed her behaviour.

When he tells me these things, I usually point out that he should be telling her these things (which he tells me he has, but nothing has changed) and that he doesn't want to do anything other than complain in the rare occasions that he does get to talk to her.

I feel really bad for him because he is a sweet guy who deserves to be happy, but from my past experience in long distance relationships, I know that they don't work if both parties don't put in an effort and if someone can't be assed to pick up the phone or even hop online to send an email every couple of days (or even once a week) then they probably don't care.
And generally, I want to point out that he deserves better and his gf sounds kinda like a bitch, but due to our past relationship I feel this isn't my place to say. Well, that and telling friends that their significant other is probably a bitch is usually awkward when they don't end up dumping them.

However, I don't really know what I can say.

its obvious you want him back and he wants you back. so get back with him.

Um, I like you and we should get back together?

when you say they are moving to the same place, they arent moving in together are they?

when you say they are moving to the same place, they arent moving in together are they?
I'm not sure. He's moving abroad and she's getting one of those "teach ESL overseas" jobs in the same country but it's possible she won't be assigned to the same city since it's a popular city (but then those companies like when people don't drop out and go home so giving them a reason why one would want to stay there might influence placement).

ummmm..............threesome?


That's all I got...*runs*

its obvious you want him back and he wants you back. so get back with him.
I've got a boyfriend who is wonderful. I wouldn't be interested in getting involved with him even if he wasn't leaving the country in a couple months.

What I'm getting from this is that you still want him, and he wants to get back together with you. The worst thing that happens is that you try it and it doesn't work, it never hurts to try.

My best advice would be to do what you've already done... remind him that he's in a relationship with this other woman now, not you, and he needs to express his concerns to her. There's no reason you should have to be his therapist.

That said, if he's talked to her about these things several times and her behavior hasn't changed, I think it's pretty clear they aren't going to work out. Communication is vital to any relationship, but especially a long-distance one. If she can't be bothered to send him an email or give him a call, she either isn't invested in the relationship, or she's too busy to be in a relationship with anyone.

What I'm getting from this is that you still want him, and he wants to get back together with you. The worst thing that happens is that you try it and it doesn't work, it never hurts to try.
Ugh. I find this scenario very unlikely.

Why does everyone think the OP is burning to get back together with this guy? I didn't get that feeling from the post at all. You can care immensely about someone you used to date and still not want to be with them romantically.

I'm not sure. He's moving abroad and she's getting one of those "teach ESL overseas" jobs in the same country but it's possible she won't be assigned to the same city since it's a popular city (but then those companies like when people don't drop out and go home so giving them a reason why one would want to stay there might influence placement).

ok

if you think they might be sharing space. advise him not to. tell him it puts too much pressure on her (or something)

otherwise all you should do is gently suggest to him that she may not still feel as strongly about him as he does about her so that when she dumps his ass (looks like its headed that way, eh?) he will have some idea of how it "not his fault" to fall back on.

you cant come out and say it but sometimes you can plant the idea so that when things start to go wobbly he can recognize what is going on. dont bad mouth her (not that you would) or anything, just suggest that having been apart for this long a time might have broken the continuity of the relationship so that he has to start over again with her.

Seems to me that you are the judge of how deep your current friendship with your ex is. If you feel comfortable telling him something that should be obvious as this seems to be, then tell him. If not, then don't. Dithering or agonizing isn't going to help, no matter how good I am -- uh...I mean, YOU are at it.

Possible pros of telling him: better friendship, it's off your chest, saves him from more of his own drama. RESULT: Potential ties stay open for possible future reunion, you keep a good friend.

Possible cons: he thinks it's none of your business (despite telling you about the situation -- some people are odd that way), friendship deteriorates, you feel guilty. RESULT: Get over it, he deserves what he's sown if he treats you badly for speaking your mind when he's told you about things.

My best advice would be to do what you've already done... remind him that he's in a relationship with this other woman now, not you, and he needs to express his concerns to her.

Ok, good to know. :)

There's no reason you should have to be his therapist.[/quote]

I know but there's just always this urge to help one's friends I guess.

That said, if he's talked to her about these things several times and her behavior hasn't changed, I think it's pretty clear they aren't going to work out. Communication is vital to any relationship, but especially a long-distance one. If she can't be bothered to send him an email or give him a call, she either isn't invested in the relationship, or she's too busy to be in a relationship with anyone.

I'm not sure what her deal is, she has apparently made some moves towards joining him when he moves so I assume she cares somewhat, she just doesn't seem to act like it generally.

I'm not sure what her deal is, she has apparently made some moves towards joining him when he moves so I assume she cares somewhat, she just doesn't seem to act like it generally.

there is no way to know what might happen when they get together in this new place. it might be that she is not good at long distance relationships (and who is) and when they are in the same city, things will go well.

or not.

Why does everyone think the OP is burning to get back together with this guy? I didn't get that feeling from the post at all. You can care immensely about someone you used to date and still not want to be with them romantically.
There are always people who don't think it's possible to maintain friendships with one's former romantic partners... and there are also people who think that straight men and women can't ever just be friends (especially if they are/were ever attracted to each other). *shrugs*

There are always people who don't think it's possible to maintain friendships with one's former romantic partners... and there are also people who think that straight men and women can't ever just be friends (especially if they are/were ever attracted to each other). *shrugs*

Hell, when I broke up with a lover of three years, we couldn't afford separate places (I was in grad school, she in undergrad), so we spent the whole next year in the same one bedroom apartment sleeping in the same queen-size bed. Nothing remotely sexual ever happened, and the next guy she dated (now her husband) was fine with it 'cause he knew us both.

It's not only possible, sometimes it's economical. We're still friends, five years later. I just went to her daughter's 4th birthday party.

Hell, when I broke up with a lover of three years, we couldn't afford separate places (I was in grad school, she in undergrad), so we spent the whole next year in the same one bedroom apartment sleeping in the same queen-size bed. Nothing remotely sexual ever happened, and the next guy she dated (now her husband) was fine with it 'cause he knew us both.

It's not only possible, sometimes it's economical. We're still friends, five years later. I just went to her daughter's 4th birthday party.

wait wait wait, you broke up with your ex five years ago, but continued to sleep in the same bed, and she has a four year old daughter?

You um....you sure nothing ever happened?

wait wait wait, you broke up with your ex five years ago, but continued to sleep in the same bed, and she has a four year old daughter?

You um....you sure nothing ever happened?

Broke up after first year of grad school, summer of 2002. She met hubby same summer. They were married in 2004, daughter born July 5th of that year. So from a sheer possibility standpoint, yes. Quite sure.

Now, from a genetic standpoint, considering her daughter has red, curly hair and I (and my whole family) more than don't (neither red nor curly) -- and that I was none too thrilled with her for most of that second year of grad school and VERY glad to have not proposed when I'd thought about it -- yes. Beyond sure. Certain, even.

Hell, when I broke up with a lover of three years, we couldn't afford separate places (I was in grad school, she in undergrad), so we spent the whole next year in the same one bedroom apartment sleeping in the same queen-size bed. Nothing remotely sexual ever happened, and the next guy she dated (now her husband) was fine with it 'cause he knew us both.

It's not only possible, sometimes it's economical. We're still friends, five years later. I just went to her daughter's 4th birthday party.

Wasn't it awkward when ya'll broke up and ya'll still had to live together?

I've got a boyfriend who is wonderful. I wouldn't be interested in getting involved with him even if he wasn't leaving the country in a couple months.

Wait !!!1 this girl is from another country ? the country she is in.

If this country is relatively poor like Thailand I know exactly whats up.
The girl is after his money. the reason she doesn't call or write is she is busy with several other guys running a scam to get money. she will ask to borrow money for this that or the other. eventually she will try to get monthly payments of money. even meeting the family is no promise of finding a good girl.


If from a developed country she just has another bf and he is a back up.

Jokes about you wanting him back aside warn him to be careful of this girl.

Wait !!!1 this girl is from another country ? the country she is in.

She lives in the US and probably earns more than he does.

there is no way to know what might happen when they get together in this new place. it might be that she is not good at long distance relationships (and who is) and when they are in the same city, things will go well.

or not.

I have been in a long distance relationship (with the distance closing during the summers) for the past three years. I suppose that counts as being 'good at them.'

I have been in a long distance relationship (with the distance closing during the summers) for the past three years. I suppose that counts as being 'good at them.'

I would think so. :p

Wasn't it awkward when ya'll broke up and ya'll still had to live together?

Not remotely. We'd been used to living together and sleeping together. All we had to do was not engage in any sexual activity. And when you've broken up with someone, and it's mutual and amicable, that's not really difficult.