NationStates Jolt Archive

So, yesterday and today I've did a Friday the 13th Marathon. I basically watched the first one, all the way up to the one where Jason goes to Manhattan. In these movies, we have a whole bunch of teens get killed just when they're about to make love, or they are making love. After I realized this, the first thing that popped into my mind is "Jason would be the poster boy for abstinence. I mean think about it, teens are either bout to have sex, or having sex, and he kills them. Sometimes I wonder if Jason is just a frustrated virgin.

I then start to think about other horror movies. Like "Nightmare on Elm Street." Freddy was a guy who I think was a pedophile, and the town decide to burn his house down with him inside, thus killing him. So, he comes back as a bogey man who kills people in their sleep. It's either a message against vigilantism or wet dreams, I haven't made up my mind yet.

What about you guys, what message have you gotten out of Horror movies?

NEVER investigate suspicious noises coming from other rooms/outside in sexy lingerie.

There's no real point in running. No matter how fast you run, the killer is always just a few feet behind you. Save your energy and walk calmly to the police station. Once you get in there all trace of the killer will disappear and you'll appear crazy, but at least there won't be a killer after you any more.

When the police start leaving alone to investigate things they are being killed. Insist that you be given a gun and that you and the handsome deputy be allowed to leave.

When the handsome deputy is killed, accept this and move on. Standing around screaming won't bring him back. What will bring him back is when the killer is just about to kill you.

Not much. I just wonder who's going to clean up the mess when everything's over. Especially in the slasher pics - the guy with the chainsaw goes into the beach house, hunts everyone down and dismembers them with great gouts of blood and gore. The last survivor escapes, the chainsaw murderer escapes (for sequels, you know) and the owner of the beachhouse is left with blood, bodies and trashed furniture. Does his wife clean it up? Does she file for divorce? What?

Not much. I just wonder who's going to clean up the mess when everything's over. Especially in the slasher pics - the guy with the chainsaw goes into the beach house, hunts everyone down and dismembers them with great gouts of blood and gore. The last survivor escapes, the chainsaw murderer escapes (for sequels, you know) and the owner of the beachhouse is left with blood, bodies and trashed furniture. Does his wife clean it up? Does she file for divorce? What?

They file insurance after they burn the place down. But they have to make it look like an electrical fire. *nod*

i like to focus on the practical.

ALWAYS LOOK IN THE DIRECTION YOU ARE MOVING.

dont back up into shit, thats how the bad thing grabs you. if you need to look around, STOP then look. dont continue moving until you are looking ahead of you again.

Never say "who's there?" Don't you watch scary movies? It's a death wish. You might as well come out to investigate a strange noise or something.

don't be too popular, they go first. the bigger the breasts, the sooner you get killed.

Don't be the loner also, they die just as fast.

Don't try to be the badass. that paints a target on your back.

if you need a weapon, take two. that way, you have another when your gun jams, you drop your knife or bat.

and from scream...
Randy: There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.
[crowd boos]
Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs.
[crowd cheers and raises their bottles]
Randy: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.
Stu: I'm gettin' another beer, you want one?
Randy: Yeah, sure.
Stu: I'll be right back.
[crowd cheers]
Randy: See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.


and my personal favorite... as witnessed in a RPG called Call of Cuthullu...
empty your gun into the killer, then reload and empty it again, then take a hatchet and divide the body into four pieces, burn one, bury the other, put a stake through the heart and bury in a seperate grave (the greater the distance, the better) and grind up the last piece, mix with cement and pour down a sewer opening.

i like to focus on the practical.

ALWAYS LOOK IN THE DIRECTION YOU ARE MOVING.

dont back up into shit, thats how the bad thing grabs you. if you need to look around, STOP then look. dont continue moving until you are looking ahead of you again.

oh and don't forget this gem.

TURN ON THE LIGHTS BEFORE YOU ENTER THE ROOM!

how many movies has the people entering the room THEN they look for the lights... :headbang:

1)Keep the killer in sight at a reasonable distance as you are moving away from him. The moment you lose sight, he will teleport in front of you and wait for you to back up into him.

2)ALso, as the 'Halloween' movies have taught me, when the lifeless killer collapses on the floor between you and the only exit, He's playing possum. They are always playing possum.

3)The first few victims are killed very quickly through stealth. If the killer is chasing you, your friends are already dead. Expect to stumble upon their corpses. They will be strategically positioned to startle you in order to break line of sight(see #1).

4) One of your surviving friends has lost his/her mind from the strain and will do something incredibly stupid to either intentionally or inadvertently help the killer. If a third party is hunting the killer, he will probably make things worse too.

5) He knows you're hiding. He hides too to lull you into a false sense of security and get you to come out of hiding. This is the same tactic used in hide-and-seek against six year olds, you morons.

:)

Never, ever sit in a graveyard with your friends on Halloween telling ghost stories. Especially don't do this near the graves of 1. serial killers and 2. the victims of serial killers.

oh and don't forget this gem.

TURN ON THE LIGHTS BEFORE YOU ENTER THE ROOM!

how many movies has the people entering the room THEN they look for the lights... :headbang:

no kidding!

dont go places where you cant see what is going on. avoid the dark corners.

KEEP FRESH BATTERIES IN YOUR FLASHLIGHTS!

hmm...

1) expect rose McGowan to lose some clothes :D

she's hot with no top on :D

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Horror Film Wisdom

1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
6. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
7. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.
8. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
9. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
10. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
11. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
14. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
16. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
17. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
18. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
19. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
20. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".
21. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
22. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
23. If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
24. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
25. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
26. When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.
27. Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps.
28. Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
29. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
30. On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
31. If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyway because you are inferior to them.
32. If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villain wants as their own.
33. If any animals, such as Birds, Piranha, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behaviour that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like for they will not believe you.
34. Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.
35. When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
36. When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dog meat anyway.
37. When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
38. Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake).
39. If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.
40. If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chain saws, harpoons, etc.
41. If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defence, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload)
42. If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.
43. If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.
44. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
45. DO NOT go into the dark room.
46. If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.
47. While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
48. In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.
49. If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.
50. Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
51. Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
52. If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!
53. Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.
54. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
55. If the Master does not approve, neither do you.
56. Never handle the rat-monkey cage.
57. Your dog can take care of itself...
58. So can your spouse...
59. And your kids.
60. Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.
61. Sceptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
62. If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.
63. Your plan takes into account all possible situations ... except for the one that actually occurs.
64. Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.
65. When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head.
66. Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/monster summoning.
67. People driven by vengeance always die.
68. Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.
69. Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
70. Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.
71. Feel no guilt.
72. If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
73. If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
74. If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
75. If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O.
76. If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).
77. If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.
78. If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not -that's their tough luck.
79. If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.
80. If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)
81. If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defence of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
82. If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
83. If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
84. If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).
85. If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.
86. Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc. TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.
87. If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.
88. A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.
89. When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Preferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.
90. ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.
91. ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!
92. Always make eye shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).
http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/hillcrest/76/hellraiser/film-wisdom.htm

Not much. I just wonder who's going to clean up the mess when everything's over. Especially in the slasher pics - the guy with the chainsaw goes into the beach house, hunts everyone down and dismembers them with great gouts of blood and gore. The last survivor escapes, the chainsaw murderer escapes (for sequels, you know) and the owner of the beachhouse is left with blood, bodies and trashed furniture. Does his wife clean it up? Does she file for divorce? What?

To take this as a serious question (;)), companies like http://www.crimeclean-up.com/ clean up.

Horror Movie Survival (Also known as "Common fucking sense you idiot!")


If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting until you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluid, it's time to leave.
Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
Don't look under the bed.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out,
If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
If your children speak to you in Latinor any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)
When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
If demons begin posessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.
As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especilly those that appear that they would break easily.
If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
Do not accept/take anything from the dead.
If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history or mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurances, leave.
If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.
Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aide a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you're doing.
Make sure that you're weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
If your space ship gets an alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.
Never put your back to or lean on a door.
Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
Never speak to clowns in sewers.
Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, espect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
If you companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
Listen closely to the soundtrackfor hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinour kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.


Copied word for word, letter for letter, and comma for comma from the Lots of Jokes web-site. Copied the hard way, mind you, with me typing everything before this from a printed list. No copy/paste here, I put in my share. Now laugh at the humor and heed my warnings!

i like to focus on the practical.

ALWAYS LOOK IN THE DIRECTION YOU ARE MOVING.

dont back up into shit, thats how the bad thing grabs you. if you need to look around, STOP then look. dont continue moving until you are looking ahead of you again.

and for God's sake QUIT LOOKING BEHIND YOU, HE'S STILL CHASING YOU, JUST KEEP FUCKING RUNNING UNTIL YOU DIE OF RUNNING.

I swear those bitches would get away more of the time if they didn't keep looking behind themselves and screaming while running away from the psycho.

and for God's sake QUIT LOOKING BEHIND YOU, HE'S STILL CHASING YOU, JUST KEEP FUCKING RUNNING UNTIL YOU DIE OF RUNNING.

I swear those bitches would get away more of the time if they didn't keep looking behind themselves and screaming while running away from the psycho.

or they would IF THEY WORE SENSIBLE SHOES!

its halloween, you are in the graveyard, wear running shoes.

If you plan to survive, then you probably shouldn't be the token person from a different ethnic group than the rest of the cast.

If you plan to survive, then you probably shouldn't be the token person from a different ethnic group than the rest of the cast.

good reason to only ever hang out with your own kind. whatever that kind might be--and it could be fluid. you could be the one geeky black guy or the one girl with enormous tits. if you find yourself in this circumstance GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

(From Halloween), it is legal to conceal carry in Illinois (even though Illinois does not offer CCW's) as long as you a state psychiatrist chasing a maniac. People will not

Killers alway walk real slow while their victims run as fast as they can, and yet the killers always catch them. So I know if I want to escape, I should just walk. It will throw them off and I will be free.

don't be too popular, they go first. the bigger the breasts, the sooner you get killed.
Don't be the loner also, they die just as fast.
Don't try to be the badass. that paints a target on your back.


You forgot: Don't be the scared fat guy. Or fat in general.
Actually, don't be anyone other than the main character or the killer. Depending what kind of horror movie it is and if there are any sequels.

One thing I learned from Jason, Halloween, Mummy type movies is that if they are limping towards you at 0.5 MPH, you need only to keep a relaxed pace to escape! :p

Things I learned from horror movies: humans are stupid. We can kill and/or eat one at the very least. :p

Things I learned from horror movies: humans are stupid. We can kill and/or eat one at the very least. :p

That´s why I say:

BUY OUR HUMAN PUDDING!!!

That´s why I say:

BUY OUR HUMAN PUDDING!!!
Shhh! We should be discreet! They mustn't know that our puddings contain human meat! (That's why they're delicious!)

Shhh! We should be discreet! They mustn't know that our puddings contain human meat! (That's why they're delicious!)

Ah, right right. I forgot about that.:D

I've learned-

Zombies are about consumerism

Vampires are about sexuality

Frankenstein style monsters are about hubris

Psycho killers are about suppression

Giant monsters are about the enviroment

"Ancient Evils" are about the perils of progress/disregarding the past

I was actually at the movies tonight, and we watched a horror movie. My friend came up with a good bit of advice for the protagonist: "Just fucking kill yourself!"

At the first sign of something creepy, commit suicide so she doesn't have to watch this scary movie because KungFu Panda was sold out again.

Always hang around the guy who looks and talks like Keith David. They are always the near-indestructible exceptions to The Brother Rule.

there many ways to kill a Vampire's

there many ways to kill a Vampire's

And 50% of the time the method you pick turns out to be the fairy tale option that gets you killed or reanimated.

there many ways to kill a Vampire's

Why would you want to kill a vampire? become one yourself... think of all those bosoms flaunted on moonlit balconies!

Oh... moonlight, volumptous ladies, the flutter of sheer negligees in the breeze, the off screen whisper of haunting orchestral music. What an Unlife to savour :D

Why would you want to kill a vampire? become one yourself... think of all those bosoms flaunted on moonlit balconies!

Oh... moonlight, volumptous ladies, the flutter of sheer negligees in the breeze, the off screen whisper of haunting orchestral music. What an Unlife to savour :D

i'am more into the were wolf and vampire thing that was hinted at in Underworld

NEVER, EVER, believe that you can somehow cure someone who is a zombie. It never ends up well.

"Never.Be.Alone."
"He’s doing that thing again..."

Don't say you'll be right back.

Don't try to hide in a closed space with only one way out. Just don't.

The only thing I learned from horror movies is your better off not watching them... watch something with entertainment value if you watch anything at all.

If you've started seeing a guy and really like him, get him to take you to a good horror movie. You'll have an excuse to jump into his arms. Who knows where that could lead.

If you've started seeing a guy and really like him, get him to take you to a good horror movie. You'll have an excuse to jump into his arms. Who knows where that could lead.
As far as I'm concerned she doesn't need an excuse all she has to do is grab me... I'm a cuddle lil' man.

Any character who opens a fridge is going to die next.

The afterlife turns people into hypocritical assholes.

Yes, you got murdered, you have a right to be upset, but expressing your disgust by going on a killing spree crosses the line to just being a dick.

Anyone who says the following will die:

"Who's there?"
"We have to go back!"
"We can't just leave them back there!"
"Let's get out of here!"
"Let's have sex!"
"Sorry, man, nothing personal..."
"Brenda, is that you? Stop playing around, it isn't funny..."
"What do you want from us?!?!"
"Let's try and reason with it."
"Come on ,people, pull it together!"
"Hey, can I use your bathroom?"
"Oh my god, no, NO!"
"Hey, shut up, man, who made you leader?!?!"
"Hey, let's go skinny dipping!"

I'm sure there's more quotes along those lines that indicate you will die.

What about you guys, what message have you gotten out of Horror movies?I learned a delicious accent from Doug Bradley.
*winks at Nanatsu No Tsuki*
Also - people tend to find meaning in their lives when faced with seemingly random choosing by a malevolent entity.

Do not, repeat, do not take your video camera to hunt down the witch in the woods.

Always be the villian. Immortality seems to come with the job.

What about you guys, what message have you gotten out of Horror movies?


That Americans never bring firearms when investigating scary things. Just a match, or those unreliable torches they have.

Also, "springbreak" and being good-looking are a death sentence to young Americans. Sent to Iraq with a "I hid Rushdie" t-shirt and a ballet dress would be a safer option.

When you know there is a crazed killer on the lose and you start hearing noises late at night, you don't call the police you call your best friend.

You'll have an excuse to jump into his arms. Who knows where that could lead.
Typically, it would lead to a trip to the drycleaners', since her outfit would likely have popcorn butter all over it and perhaps even a stain in my trousers at that point.

Typically, it would lead to a trip to the drycleaners', since her outfit would likely have popcorn butter all over it and perhaps even a stain in my trousers at that point.

You have no romance in your soul.

You have no romance in your soul.
The things the romance gets into on me aren't the soul first, 'tis true.

oh and don't forget this gem.

TURN ON THE LIGHTS BEFORE YOU ENTER THE ROOM!

how many movies has the people entering the room THEN they look for the lights... :headbang:
Alternatly, shell out a few bucks for the clapper.
Typically, it would lead to a trip to the drycleaners', since her outfit would likely have popcorn butter all over it and perhaps even a stain in my trousers at that point.

"Oh...that top is all dirty. Here, let me throw it in the washer for you."

Always, always shoot them in the head FIRST...

One thing I learned from Jason, Halloween, Mummy type movies is that if they are limping towards you at 0.5 MPH, you need only to keep a relaxed pace to escape! :p so how do those that run faster still end up being caught by Jason, Freddy, Mummy-type villians?

NEVER, EVER, believe that you can somehow cure someone who is a zombie. It never ends up well. well, killing em can be considered a 'cure'.:p


Things I learned from Horror Movies.

Pulse
When your computer turns on all by itself and asks if you want to see ghosts... unplug the computer, pack your things, leave any tech item behind and head towards the hill.

When the Radio announcer says that the 'invasion' is accessing all computer and wireless access and to throw away your cell phones and other personal communication devices... I will turn off my phone or toss it away. I will NOT open said phone and stare at it while it searches for a signal.

when I tell someone that we MUST stick together, I will NOT then say "wait right here, I'll be right back."

slasher flicks
I will carry a gun at all times. I will have two extra loads of ammo, and three knives. and while nature is nice... I'm sticking to the city.

Grudge (2)
I will not remove any tape sealing any door shut.
I will not enter any burned out building. not becaue of any ghosts haunting there, but because the structure may not be sound.

Blair Witch
The first, the very first set of questions I would ask the project leader is
1) do you have an accurate map of the area as published by respectable and professional map maker
2) who knows the area like the back of their hand. and where can we hire them
3) how long are we planning on staying in the woods and pack for twice that time
4) where is everyone's compass
5) Who is our contact in the local community.
6) Where are our radios and extra batteries and what frequency is the local community set at.

if any ONE of those questions are NOT answered satifsactory... then I'm staying home.

Generic rules
I will NOT play any tape found next to any book made from human skin. I will also NOT read from any such book.
I will NOT open any sealed door without first researching what might be behind the door in the first place.
any seance will be taped.
any warnings will be heard and taken seriously

so how do those that run faster still end up being caught by Jason, Freddy, Mummy-type villians?

Yes they do need to explain Jason's apparent, natural warp speed ability. That could be an entire plot for one of the sequals! :p

Well, it seems to help if you're a Jew.

Statistically, Jews are a very small percent of pretty much any horror movie population, so it follows that statistically, they are less likely to die by horror movie means.

They don't seem to run into the same problem that Blacks and Latinos have with the Token Minority Ethnicity Death Syndrome.

And I think there's probably some sort of guilt aspect, like killing Jews in horror movies is a bit too much like the Holocaust.

Yeah, I'm pretty safe if I ever happen to be in a horror movie, which I won't, because for some reason Jews just don't feature in them.

So, yesterday and today I've did a Friday the 13th Marathon. I basically watched the first one, all the way up to the one where Jason goes to Manhattan. In these movies, we have a whole bunch of teens get killed just when they're about to make love, or they are making love. After I realized this, the first thing that popped into my mind is "Jason would be the poster boy for abstinence. I mean think about it, teens are either bout to have sex, or having sex, and he kills them. Sometimes I wonder if Jason is just a frustrated virgin.

I then start to think about other horror movies. Like "Nightmare on Elm Street." Freddy was a guy who I think was a pedophile, and the town decide to burn his house down with him inside, thus killing him. So, he comes back as a bogey man who kills people in their sleep. It's either a message against vigilantism or wet dreams, I haven't made up my mind yet.

What about you guys, what message have you gotten out of Horror movies?

Don't run upstairs so that you can't get out.

Well, it seems to help if you're a Jew.

Statistically, Jews are a very small percent of pretty much any horror movie population, so it follows that statistically, they are less likely to die by horror movie means.

They don't seem to run into the same problem that Blacks and Latinos have with the Token Minority Ethnicity Death Syndrome.

And I think there's probably some sort of guilt aspect, like killing Jews in horror movies is a bit too much like the Holocaust.

Yeah, I'm pretty safe if I ever happen to be in a horror movie, which I won't, because for some reason Jews just don't feature in them.

Iv'e always wondered why vampire movies are never set in Jewish or Muslim communities. They are the least likely to have a cross on them.

Well, it seems to help if you're a Jew.

Statistically, Jews are a very small percent of pretty much any horror movie population, so it follows that statistically, they are less likely to die by horror movie means.

They don't seem to run into the same problem that Blacks and Latinos have with the Token Minority Ethnicity Death Syndrome.

And I think there's probably some sort of guilt aspect, like killing Jews in horror movies is a bit too much like the Holocaust.

Yeah, I'm pretty safe if I ever happen to be in a horror movie, which I won't, because for some reason Jews just don't feature in them.

I got the impression that the vampire character in the original vampire movie, Nosferatu, was an overdesigned caricature of a Jew.

You know, in the Brothers Grimm tradition of "bloodsucking Jew".

I got the impression that the vampire character in the original vampire movie, Nosferatu, was an overdesigned caricature of a Jew.

You know, in the Brothers Grimm tradition of "bloodsucking Jew".

You too? I worried when I got that impression from some of the shots: "You know, he looks just like a caricature of. . . oy vey!"

Well, it seems to help if you're a Jew.

Statistically, Jews are a very small percent of pretty much any horror movie population, so it follows that statistically, they are less likely to die by horror movie means.

They don't seem to run into the same problem that Blacks and Latinos have with the Token Minority Ethnicity Death Syndrome.

And I think there's probably some sort of guilt aspect, like killing Jews in horror movies is a bit too much like the Holocaust.

Yeah, I'm pretty safe if I ever happen to be in a horror movie, which I won't, because for some reason Jews just don't feature in them.

Frankenstein was a golem, doesn't that count?

I don't watch too many horror movies, but the ones I have watched taught me one thing - listen to crazy ideas. The more you try to deny that there's a serial killer in your attic, a evil clown ghost haunting the town, or rabies-infected dead dogs coming back alive and attacking everyone that leaves their cabins Monday night at Camp ScaryAsHell, the sooner you die. Don't call people "asinine", "ridiculous", "crazy", or "retarded" for saying those things unless you have a death wish. Even though the person who told you this in the first place is a really, really nice person, no matter how much they try to help you, you WILL die. Even if you suspect otherwise, keep your trap shut and DON'T TRY TO PROVE THEM WRONG!



Also, keep the damn weapon. In several of the horror flicks I've seen, a character takes a weapon, does a bit of damage with it, then leaves/drops it, thinking the monster is done for. NEVER drop your weapon. If anything, keep more than one.