NationStates Jolt Archive

So, due to a large number of compounding factors over the last 13 months (including three different jobs and the death of a friend), I'm considering getting therapy with an emphasis on grief counseling. My question is: has anyone on NS had therapy? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? And do you have any tips for someone just starting out?

I've never been to grief counseling. I have been to various types of therapy for my ptsd and ocd. I have found that cognitive therapy is helpful to an extent.

I would call around to counselors/therapists you are interested in and ask them what school of thought they go with and then figure out which most resembles your way of thinking. My mother does not go for cognitive therapy for example because she doesn't like the idea that she is in control over her thoughts and emotions. I on the other hand am an enormous control freak and like the thought of being able to analyze why I feel the way I do and channel my energy into more healthy reactions.

So, due to a large number of compounding factors over the last 13 months (including three different jobs and the death of a friend), I'm considering getting therapy with an emphasis on grief counseling. My question is: has anyone on NS had therapy? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? And do you have any tips for someone just starting out?

I have never been to grief counseling, but know some people who have. Quite frankly, every persons cure is completely different. Before you hire a therapist, however, you may want to see if you are chemically balanced. The majority of the people I know who got counseling ended up needing medications for chemical balancing. Do not know details. Hope this helps. :)

I've been in therapy for 8-9 years, with breaks spanning a few months at times. It is a wonderful tool, and my therapist is a very honest, intelligent, perceptive person I trust to help me face and explore things in my life.

I would look for someone who specifically does grief counseling or has had extensive training in it. My mother, for example, is a psychotherapist who has studied grief counseling extensively and worked with people who have terminal illnesses (usually AIDS) and their families.

Therapy can be a great outlet and resource, but the fit has to be right for you. If a therapist doesn't feel right, try another. Don't scrap the process because you don't like the first person you go to, but don't be intimidated, either.

So, due to a large number of compounding factors over the last 13 months (including three different jobs and the death of a friend), I'm considering getting therapy with an emphasis on grief counseling. My question is: has anyone on NS had therapy? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? And do you have any tips for someone just starting out?


I have done therapy and group therapy. I really credit both (I graduated from one to the other when I was ready) with having helped me put my life in perspective and deal with my illness and mortality. I am a cancer survivor, but when I was diagnosed that slap of mortality sent me in a downward spiral that I could not find my way out of without help. I had so completely wrapped my mind around dying that when I was given a good prognosis (much to our suprise) I had to back up and regroup yet again and rethink my life.

That addage "get busy living or get busy dying" was never so real as in that period of my life.

I would have never thought therapy could do so much for me, I was a doubter, but it certainly gave me my life back.

I wish you the very best and hope you find what you need.

Up until the 7th grade I would occasionally go to a single therapy session and then not again. There is one of two conclusions, either my parents couldn't afford therapy-but I also had a race car, so I'm sure if it was a problem they could have gotten rid of the race car, or each time the therapist went, "Seems like a normal kid to me" and I was off the hook.

I have never been to grief counseling, but know some people who have. Quite frankly, every persons cure is completely different.

That sounds right.

Before you hire a therapist, however, you may want to see if you are chemically balanced.

Whereas that sounds terribly wrong. You should absolutely be looking for therapy that works without drugs FIRST, and going for the pharmaceutical solution only if that's necessary.

That "chemical balancing" phrase is drug-company propaganda, trying to rephrase "living for the rest of your life on drugs" so that it sounds like a good thing.

The majority of the people I know who got counseling ended up needing medications for chemical balancing. Do not know details. Hope this helps. :)

Well, what I've heard is somewhat similar. Psychiatrists are far more likely to medicate you as the primary means of treatment, than psychologists are.

If at the end of your first session, the therapist pulls out a prescription pad -- walk out and don't come back. I'm not denying that in a lot of cases the medications work, I just feel it's better to try something else first.

Up until the 7th grade I would occasionally go to a single therapy session and then not again. There is one of two conclusions, either my parents couldn't afford therapy-but I also had a race car, so I'm sure if it was a problem they could have gotten rid of the race car, or each time the therapist went, "Seems like a normal kid to me" and I was off the hook.

Therapist says: "Your child seems quite normal. You might want to spend some more money on his race car, I feel that's a healthy outlet for his competitive instincts"

Therapist thinks: "Evil crazy child! Evil crazy child! Keep it away from me, or I'll have to kill myself! It's evil! And crazy! I need my therapist now!"

Therapist says: "Your child seems quite normal. You might want to spend some more money on his race car, I feel that's a healthy outlet for his competitive instincts"

Therapist thinks: "Evil crazy child! Evil crazy child! Keep it away from me, or I'll have to kill myself! It's evil! And crazy! I need my therapist now!"

Well, I did spend the entire sessions running around the room yelling, "Vrrrooooom vrrrooooomm, into the wall, muthafucka, that's what ya get for tryin' to pass the Warrior*..."




*I have not and do not refer to myself as 'the Warrior'...just in case...

*I have not and do not refer to myself as 'the Warrior'...just in case...

You reserve that moniker for the Special Parts of you?

So, due to a large number of compounding factors over the last 13 months (including three different jobs and the death of a friend), I'm considering getting therapy with an emphasis on grief counseling. My question is: has anyone on NS had therapy? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? And do you have any tips for someone just starting out?
I spent some time in therapy, though not for grief counseling. Also, my mother is a professional therapist (upwards of 30 years of experience now).

One thing I think is important is to remember that your relationship with your therapist is key. You might have to try more than one therapist before you find somebody you are comfortable with. Good therapists know this, and they will not be hurt or offended if you tell them that you feel like it's not quite a good fit and you think you should try a different therapist.

Another thing to know is that a good therapist isn't going to spend much time telling you what to do. Their role is to help you sort out how you feel, and to help you make your own decisions. They aren't going to simply tell you how to fix things. It's important to start therapy with realistic expectations if you want it to help.

Also, remember that odds are the therapist has heard it all before. Don't be embarrassed. Okay, well, you probably are going to be embarrassed at one point or another, because it can be very embarrassing to tell a stranger about your inner thoughts. Just try to remind yourself that you're not a freak. You're not wrong for having your feelings, and the therapist doesn't think you are. They aren't sitting there thinking, "Man, what a loser," or "This guy is so fucked up." They're sitting there listening and trying to learn about you so they can help you. I know that sounds really simplistic, but it was something my mom had to remind me of when I started therapy. I wasn't telling my therapist some things because I was worried about what he'd think of me! Talk about counter-productive, right?

So, due to a large number of compounding factors over the last 13 months (including three different jobs and the death of a friend), I'm considering getting therapy with an emphasis on grief counseling. My question is: has anyone on NS had therapy? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? And do you have any tips for someone just starting out?

Hmm, I've never had "grief conselling", but I've had therapy. My one tip would be make sure you like the person.

Oh, one other thing that not a lot of people know:

Pretty much all good therapists are, themselves, seeing a therapist from time to time.

It makes sense, since a therapist spends so much of their time listening to problems and hearing some really depressing things, and therapists are also real people who have their own issues and worries.

When I learned about that it made me feel more on equal-footing with my therapist. The power difference between us seemed to shrink, and I felt more comfortable.

I've been treated on two occasions in my early 20s for Clinical Depression. In both cases I was given an antidepressant (Imipramine because I refused to take Prozac) and counseling.

I found the counseling to be next to worthless. The therapist was obviously going along with some kind of pattern model and kept steering me toward the topics he wanted, rather than letting me express myself. I felt like I was talking to one of those computers you talk to when you dial an 800 number for tech support.

For example, no matter what I wanted to discuss as being what was bothering me, he kept trying to steer the conversation to my relationship with my father. Now, I knew what my issues with my dad were and had resolved them. Despite this, I walked out of this guy's office all but convinced that I'd been beaten and abused and sold to carnies. Later upon reflection, I realized how much bullshit this guy was trying to put in my head and I never went back to him.

The next therapist was a nice lady who sounded just like Counselor Troi, but she was clearly following a template where I knew exactly what I had to say to her. Useless.

Then there was the therapist my (now ex) wife and I went to see due to marriage problems, who the Church referred us to about 9 or 10 years ago. Everything was fine until it came out that I had been unfaithful a couple years prior. From that point forward I was wrong about EVERYTHING and my wife was right about EVERYTHING. For example: She wanted to have a 3rd child but our apartment was tiny and there was simply no room. I said "Well, let's move into a bigger home before we start trying for a 3rd child." The therapist glared at me and said "Why are you giving your wife an ultimatum???" I remember being so taken aback that I blinked, looked at my wife, who was nodding vigorously (She had an ally now, you see.) and thought WTF? Ultimatum???

So my 3rd child slept in a bedroom made from a converted closet... And not a walk in closet either.

The only therapist I ever saw that actually made a positive difference was one my Church referred me to after some issues I had about 7 years ago. This guy LISTENED to me and gave me USEFUL feedback. His advice and comments helped me to see things quite clearly and have been a continuing help to me to this day, even though I only ever saw him three times back in 2001.

Therapists are just people with a certificate on the wall dispensing advice. They're no more or less likely than the average person to be of any help.

One thing I think is important is to remember that your relationship with your therapist is key. You might have to try more than one therapist before you find somebody you are comfortable with. Good therapists know this, and they will not be hurt or offended if you tell them that you feel like it's not quite a good fit and you think you should try a different therapist.

Another thing to know is that a good therapist isn't going to spend much time telling you what to do. Their role is to help you sort out how you feel, and to help you make your own decisions. They aren't going to simply tell you how to fix things. It's important to start therapy with realistic expectations if you want it to help.
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That's right.

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The only therapist I ever saw that actually made a positive difference was one my Church referred me to after some issues I had about 7 years ago. This guy LISTENED to me and gave me USEFUL feedback. His advice and comments helped me to see things quite clearly and have been a continuing help to me to this day, even though I only ever saw him three times back in 2001.

Therapists are just people with a certificate on the wall dispensing advice. They're no more or less likely than the average person to be of any help.

And that's wrong.

With due respect to your experience Neo Bret (I'm not saying you are making stuff up, mind) but what you seem to have been looking for is useful advice. "Counsellors" can provide that, and it can be useful in a crisis ... but it's not really therapy.

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I've had a fair bit of therapy myself, and the first few (psychiatrists) were pretty useless for me. Worse than useless really. Then a government job counsellor referred me to a clinical psychologist who had only been working in Australia for a year or so (from Sweden) and I found her very good. She asks questions and so on, and sure there's unwanted questions about my relationships with my mother and father, but basically she establishes a pattern in what I'm saying which allows me to see the way I'm thinking, after which it's pretty easy to change. Part of why the relationship works is I think that I feel like I'm some use to her in exchange, helping her with her English idiom as we talk.

My sister also has psychotherapy fairly regularly, but her needs are different. The way she puts it is "I go see the psychologist and he patches me up and then I forget about it for a while." I think in her case she needs and gets obvious advice which she finds easy to take, whereas I tend to rebel against anything that even sounds like advice.