NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, so before I start here, I must apologise to you all for foisting this rather personal conundrum upon you. I must also admit to myself that asking for advice of any sort on NSG is not the best of ideas. But seeing as this is an anonymous forum, and hundreds, if not thousands, of people read it, there is a sporting chance that some of you are reading this post right now and might decide to grace it with a reply.

By the way, if you are male, you might not want to read much further, lest you become as confused and / or depressed as I am right now. If you are female, you might find this interesting (and hopefully less confusing), and hopefully you might be able to give me some answers. That is of course the purpose of this thread.

Anyway, here goes:

I've been in what has become a serious relationship with my girlfriend for the best part of a year so far, and up until now, everything has been going well. We started off in a fairly typical way (date - dinner, movie, naked and sweaty later on) and have been getting to know each other ever better since then. We love each other enormously. She moved in with me about five months ago. We spend a lot of time together, because I work night shifts and she currently only works weekends.

As is typical with fresh relationships, to start with (in the first month or so), our sex life was fantastic. For the first few weeks I think we did it every day, or so I seem to recall. It did die down a bit (as is to be expected) after about 2 months, but even so, we were still doing it at least three times a week.
This increased again to nearly every day for the two weeks following the day she moved in with me. Of course, that couldn't last, and it did tail off again after a while.

I think for the purposes of my story here, it is worth pointing out that she was definitely enjoying as much as I was, if not more so. On average, I would estimate that I have given her at least twice as many orgasms as ahe has given me. I don't want to get into detail about exactly how, but it will suffice to say that I was giving her a very good time, even if I do say so myself.

Recently, however, things have been going not so well. She has lost interest in me over the last few months. We've had sex less than once a week over the past month, and the previous month wasn't much better.
I used to be able to initiate sex, and unless she had a very good reason (such as being on her period, being in pain, being too tired / having not enough energy), she would be very receptive, and we would invariably have a long session, kindled by much foreplay and finishing with much moaning.

However, I can't seem to initiate it any more. I'm not doing anything different, but her reaction has changed completely. There's always a reason why we can't do it. Either it's too early in the morning, or too late in the morning, too early at night or too late at night. Otherwise, it's because she's "feeling restless" (which apparently can't be cured by a bout of passionate sex). The latest (and by far the most insulting) excuse is that "it's not a convenient time" - which is basically a way of saying "I don't want to".

My attempts at initiating sex have been rejected by one or other of these excuses for the last two months. It's frustrating to the extreme, especially as I can't see what I'm doing wrong. I pretty much have to wait these days until she decides to initiate sex, because that's the only time I know it's going to happen. But like I said, it doesn't happen often - once a week if I'm lucky. The worst thing of all is that when we do have sex, she seems completely disinterested. All the passion and enthusiasm has gone. It just seems to me that she's doing it because she thinks she should (out of guilt maybe?) rather than because she really wants to.

To pre-empt some anticipated replies: No, nothing else has changed significantly in our relationship. I still pay her more than enough attention and affection. I always have the time to help out with whatever she wants to do. Even though we live together, I still take her out on dates (lunch or dinner usually) at least once a week. I still do all the housework (I always have - it's my house so it's my responsibility) except for the rare occasions when she wants to help out.

If you are still reading at this point (sorry about the long-winded post), could anyone possibly try and shed some light on this little conundrum? You might now understand why I suggested that only females need to read past the first two paragraphs - because I think this is something that only a female brain can comprehend. I'm just confused, frustrated and depressed. Please help me - if you think you can.

I suggest a prostitute. Not only will you get laid, but it will also knock some sense into your gf. If she can't handle that, then move along. If she doesn't mind then she can't be fucked to move house - in which case you should kick her out.

Ok, so before I start here, I must apologise to you all for foisting this rather personal conundrum upon you. I must also admit to myself that asking for advice of any sort on NSG is not the best of ideas. But seeing as this is an anonymous forum, and hundreds, if not thousands, of people read it, there is a sporting chance that some of you are reading this post right now and might decide to grace it with a reply.

By the way, if you are male, you might not want to read much further, lest you become as confused and / or depressed as I am right now. If you are female, you might find this interesting (and hopefully less confusing), and hopefully you might be able to give me some answers. That is of course the purpose of this thread.

Anyway, here goes:

I've been in what has become a serious relationship with my girlfriend for the best part of a year so far, and up until now, everything has been going well. We started off in a fairly typical way (date - dinner, movie, naked and sweaty later on) and have been getting to know each other ever better since then. We love each other enormously. She moved in with me about five months ago. We spend a lot of time together, because I work night shifts and she currently only works weekends.

As is typical with fresh relationships, to start with (in the first month or so), our sex life was fantastic. For the first few weeks I think we did it every day, or so I seem to recall. It did die down a bit (as is to be expected) after about 2 months, but even so, we were still doing it at least three times a week.
This increased again to nearly every day for the two weeks following the day she moved in with me. Of course, that couldn't last, and it did tail off again after a while.

I think for the purposes of my story here, it is worth pointing out that she was definitely enjoying as much as I was, if not more so. On average, I would estimate that I have given her at least twice as many orgasms as ahe has given me. I don't want to get into detail about exactly how, but it will suffice to say that I was giving her a very good time, even if I do say so myself.

Recently, however, things have been going not so well. She has lost interest in me over the last few months. We've had sex less than once a week over the past month, and the previous month wasn't much better.
I used to be able to initiate sex, and unless she had a very good reason (such as being on her period, being in pain, being too tired / having not enough energy), she would be very receptive, and we would invariably have a long session, kindled by much foreplay and finishing with much moaning.

However, I can't seem to initiate it any more. I'm not doing anything different, but her reaction has changed completely. There's always a reason why we can't do it. Either it's too early in the morning, or too late in the morning, too early at night or too late at night. Otherwise, it's because she's "feeling restless" (which apparently can't be cured by a bout of passionate sex). The latest (and by far the most insulting) excuse is that "it's not a convenient time" - which is basically a way of saying "I don't want to".

My attempts at initiating sex have been rejected by one or other of these excuses for the last two months. It's frustrating to the extreme, especially as I can't see what I'm doing wrong. I pretty much have to wait these days until she decides to initiate sex, because that's the only time I know it's going to happen. But like I said, it doesn't happen often - once a week if I'm lucky. The worst thing of all is that when we do have sex, she seems completely disinterested. All the passion and enthusiasm has gone. It just seems to me that she's doing it because she thinks she should (out of guilt maybe?) rather than because she really wants to.

To pre-empt some anticipated replies: No, nothing else has changed significantly in our relationship. I still pay her more than enough attention and affection. I always have the time to help out with whatever she wants to do. Even though we live together, I still take her out on dates (lunch or dinner usually) at least once a week. I still do all the housework (I always have - it's my house so it's my responsibility) except for the rare occasions when she wants to help out.

If you are still reading at this point (sorry about the long-winded post), could anyone possibly try and shed some light on this little conundrum? You might now understand why I suggested that only females need to read past the first two paragraphs - because I think this is something that only a female brain can comprehend. I'm just confused, frustrated and depressed. Please help me - if you think you can.

You might ask her, assuming she gives an honest answer.

What's with this "I do all the housework" nonsense? She lives in the house, since she only works weekends, I assume you pay most of the bills, she needs to do her share. At this point I suspect she thinks you're too eager and too needy and has lost respect for you - women don't tend to find men sexy when they don't respect them. I don't advocate abuse, I do advocate a hard line. She needs to do her share financially (as much as she's able) and she needs to do her share of the work (I don't care whose house it is, she still makes 50% of the mess and eats 50% of the food). If you demand that she does her share one of two things will happen, 1. her attitude will change and respect will return to the relationship in which case, so will sex or 2. She'll get pissy and leave, looking for an easier mark - in which case you haven't lost a thing.

(I'm a 61 year old female, I've had a bit of experience with these things).

Has she recently started birth control or changed any medications? Birth control can lower a sex drive. She could be depressed, have a hormone imbalance, be under stress, feel bad about her body, have some other health problem she's to embarassed to talk to you about, interocurse might have become painful...

You need to ask her what's going on and stop assuming things.

I should also add, you're assuming she's having orgasms. And that's not a jab at you, and if men would stop assuming that orgasms are the be-all end-all for all women then maybe women wouldn't feel the need to fake. Not that it makes it right for a woman to fake because it just fucks up a guy's expectations for the next girl that comes along. There is an astounding amount of genetic diversity when it comes to women's sexuality. Most women can't orgasm through penetration. So maybe she likes the orgasms she gets before but hates that it comes with an expecation that she must have full on vaginal intercourse after, maybe she doesn't like the foreplay and wants to get down to business, maybe she's never had an orgasm and doesn't know how to tell you, maybe she's tired of faking and doesn't know how to tell you she has been. Or maybe it has nothing at all to do with the quality of sex and has everything to do with a health or relationship problem.

yeah there is something going on and you need to find out what it is.

talk to her in a non-sexual moment and see if she'll tell you. there are many many possiblities some temporary, some permanent.

if she tells you (and its fixable) work on it. if she wont give you a reason (within a reasonable amount of time, not the whole story the first time you ask) you need to walk away. life is too short to stay with someone who is no longer that into you.

It's time for the big talk about sex. Find out why it's been less, has she been stressed out, is she depressed, does she just not need as much sex as you, does she feel uninterested in sex?

If you frame it that you are worried about her seemingly sudden change rather than you want moar sex (which should be the truth) then it's unlikely to develop into a fight.

Remember dude, she don't owe you sex, you can take matters into your own hands, so to speak.

If she has something going on though other than "I'm just not interested right now" it's your job as boyfriend to try to be supportive and listen and listen.

You are not the fixer however, do not try to fix anything but maybe your own behavior (like if she says you are pissing her off). If you try to offer advice or fix things.....she's likely to get pissed off.

Is she seeing someone else?

Sex isn't the key factor in a relationship, you know? Maybe she feels the relationship is at a point where it isn't held together by physical intimacy, but rather through various other things. People's priorities change as the relationship grows. Sure, sex is an important part, but if that is all that holds it together, then its not much of a relationship. Its just a screw buddy. So, just talk with her. See what's up. Don't accuse her of anything, and don't make it seem as if she is doing anything wrong. In fact, maybe go up to her and see if you are doing anything wrong. Try to approach her in the most genuine manner that you can.

If you are still reading at this point (sorry about the long-winded post), could anyone possibly try and shed some light on this little conundrum? You might now understand why I suggested that only females need to read past the first two paragraphs - because I think this is something that only a female brain can comprehend. I'm just confused, frustrated and depressed. Please help me - if you think you can.
What strikes me as odd is that you seem to associate "Sex frequency" with "Quality of Relationship". Her not wanting to ride on the old baloney pony as regularly as she used to seems, in the tone of your post, to be something you take as a sign that she doesn't like you. There is a parallel to be drawn here; namely, with women who take the fact that you don't get them presents as a sign that you don't like them.

The fact that you are hurt by the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with you can be quite hurtful in itself to her - this idea that sex is important to you irrespective of her participation. Maybe she can see that in you, and that's what's making her back away. If I'm being frank, that's an entirely fair attitude to take on her part, too.

What are you looking for in a relationship? What is she looking for? And of those two, which do you spend more time on?

Dr. Phil sez: Son, you can't fix a tractor if six buckets of dirt won't grow the corn.

Remember dude, she don't owe you sex, you can take matters into your own hands, so to speak.

This should be in wedding vows.

Sex isn't the key factor in a relationship, you know? Maybe she feels the relationship is at a point where it isn't held together by physical intimacy, but rather through various other things. People's priorities change as the relationship grows. Sure, sex is an important part, but if that is all that holds it together, then its not much of a relationship. Its just a screw buddy. So, just talk with her. See what's up. Don't accuse her of anything, and don't make it seem as if she is doing anything wrong. In fact, maybe go up to her and see if you are doing anything wrong. Try to approach her in the most genuine manner that you can.

oh honestly, if 5 months in she really doesnt want sex more than once a week, he needs to get out NOW.

oh honestly, if 5 months in she really doesnt want sex more than once a week, he needs to get out NOW.

I would suggest finding out what is wrong first. Leaving without knowing what truly happened will fill you with regret for the rest of your life. It could be any number of reasons for why she doesn't want sex, not just that she doesn't like you.

*Takes off marriage counselor hat*

I say tap that shit!

Click Stand;13750278']I would suggest finding out what is wrong first. Leaving without knowing what truly happened will fill you with regret for the rest of your life. It could be any number of reasons for why she doesn't want sex, not just that she doesn't like you.

*Takes off marriage counselor hat*

I say tap that shit!

absolutely.

there may be something going on that is very fixable.

but to suggest that he should just live with it is wrong.

Has she recently started birth control or changed any medications? Birth control can lower a sex drive. She could be depressed, have a hormone imbalance, be under stress, feel bad about her body, have some other health problem she's to embarassed to talk to you about, interocurse might have become painful...

You need to ask her what's going on and stop assuming things.

I should also add, you're assuming she's having orgasms. And that's not a jab at you, and if men would stop assuming that orgasms are the be-all end-all for all women then maybe women wouldn't feel the need to fake. Not that it makes it right for a woman to fake because it just fucks up a guy's expectations for the next girl that comes along. There is an astounding amount of genetic diversity when it comes to women's sexuality. Most women can't orgasm through penetration. So maybe she likes the orgasms she gets before but hates that it comes with an expecation that she must have full on vaginal intercourse after, maybe she doesn't like the foreplay and wants to get down to business, maybe she's never had an orgasm and doesn't know how to tell you, maybe she's tired of faking and doesn't know how to tell you she has been. Or maybe it has nothing at all to do with the quality of sex and has everything to do with a health or relationship problem.

...if women would stop assuming that orgasms are the be-all end-all for all men, then maybe...

etc.

absolutely.

there may be something going on that is very fixable.

but to suggest that he should just live with it is wrong.

Oh, I agree. Just accepting things as is would be even worse. Now you are in a relationship not knowing what's wrong, and think she doesn't love you anymore.

So Mr. Tokin, I suggest find out what's wrong, no matter what course of action you are taking.

oh honestly, if 5 months in she really doesnt want sex more than once a week, he needs to get out NOW.

So, a relationship should be based on sex then?

So, a relationship should be based on sex then?

That rather depends. A relationship should have a balance of sex with which both people are comfortable, or else you're going to find it leads to friction, one way or another.

In some relationships (at some times.. since, obviously, things change) that will be three times a day, in some, it will be no sex ever. Some people will be happy at either extreme, some people would be miserable at either extreme... most of us will be on that line somewhere.

So, a relationship should be based on sex then?

yes.

sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship. there is no sense pretending it isnt. good sex doesnt guarantee a good relationship but bad sex (or no sex which is what they are headed for) is a guarantee that it will fail.

if she is honesty not interested in more sex than this, he needs to move on.

(ignoring the many possible reasons that might put them back on track sexually)

if he didnt want sex, they would just be friends.

she isnt his wife. she is his girlfriend. if its not working for HIM, its not working.

By the way, if you are male, you might not want to read much further, lest you become as confused and / or depressed as I am right now. If you are female, you might find this interesting (and hopefully less confusing), and hopefully you might be able to give me some answers. That is of course the purpose of this thread.

Please. :rolleyes:

I've been in what has become a serious relationship with my girlfriend for the best part of a year so far, and up until now, everything has been going well. We started off in a fairly typical way (date - dinner, movie, naked and sweaty later on) and have been getting to know each other ever better since then. We love each other enormously. She moved in with me about five months ago. We spend a lot of time together, because I work night shifts and she currently only works weekends.

You know that how?

Remember what familiarity breeds? Well, it happens in relationships, too. You must understand that when the nature of the relationship changes, those within it will change as well. If you treat the relationship as exactly the same and expect it to be exactly the same as when you were not living together, that will lead to problems. Unshared expectations can only lead to disappointments.

As is typical with fresh relationships, to start with (in the first month or so), our sex life was fantastic. For the first few weeks I think we did it every day, or so I seem to recall. It did die down a bit (as is to be expected) after about 2 months, but even so, we were still doing it at least three times a week. This increased again to nearly every day for the two weeks following the day she moved in with me. Of course, that couldn't last, and it did tail off again after a while.

Frequency of sex =/= anything but frequency of sex.

I think for the purposes of my story here, it is worth pointing out that she was definitely enjoying as much as I was, if not more so. On average, I would estimate that I have given her at least twice as many orgasms as ahe has given me. I don't want to get into detail about exactly how, but it will suffice to say that I was giving her a very good time, even if I do say so myself.

Okay, this paragraph is telling me that the problem with your expectations is huge. Number of orgasms, who has them, when...none of that matters much on its own, and matters even less if you're not communicating meaningfully about how you feel with her. Unless you're having conversations THIS frank with complete strangers online but not with her, the problem is big. Yes, she should be this frank with you, too, but if it's weighing on your mind THIS much, then you need to tell her exactly what you've told us.

Recently, however, things have been going not so well. She has lost interest in me over the last few months. We've had sex less than once a week over the past month, and the previous month wasn't much better.
I used to be able to initiate sex, and unless she had a very good reason (such as being on her period, being in pain, being too tired / having not enough energy), she would be very receptive, and we would invariably have a long session, kindled by much foreplay and finishing with much moaning.

Sounds pretty mechanical to me. Again, do you talk about this and like this to her?

However, I can't seem to initiate it any more. I'm not doing anything different, but her reaction has changed completely. There's always a reason why we can't do it. Either it's too early in the morning, or too late in the morning, too early at night or too late at night. Otherwise, it's because she's "feeling restless" (which apparently can't be cured by a bout of passionate sex). The latest (and by far the most insulting) excuse is that "it's not a convenient time" - which is basically a way of saying "I don't want to".

That's not code, man. She doesn't want to. Instead of asking us, why aren't you asking the PERSON YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT?

My attempts at initiating sex have been rejected by one or other of these excuses for the last two months. It's frustrating to the extreme, especially as I can't see what I'm doing wrong. I pretty much have to wait these days until she decides to initiate sex, because that's the only time I know it's going to happen. But like I said, it doesn't happen often - once a week if I'm lucky. The worst thing of all is that when we do have sex, she seems completely disinterested. All the passion and enthusiasm has gone. It just seems to me that she's doing it because she thinks she should (out of guilt maybe?) rather than because she really wants to.

Sex does tail off a bit from the three-times-a-day enthusiasm of the start of a relationship, but if excuses pile up, something lies beneath them. TALK TO HER.

To pre-empt some anticipated replies: No, nothing else has changed significantly in our relationship. I still pay her more than enough attention and affection. I always have the time to help out with whatever she wants to do. Even though we live together, I still take her out on dates (lunch or dinner usually) at least once a week. I still do all the housework (I always have - it's my house so it's my responsibility) except for the rare occasions when she wants to help out.

You've made yourself a servant, and a meek one at that. Very few women will appreciate someone who kisses their ass all the time. If you have no self-respect, why should she respect you? If it looks like she's taking advantage -- and from your point of view it does, but that's just one side of the story -- she probably is, even if it's not intentional or malicious.

If you are still reading at this point (sorry about the long-winded post), could anyone possibly try and shed some light on this little conundrum? You might now understand why I suggested that only females need to read past the first two paragraphs - because I think this is something that only a female brain can comprehend. I'm just confused, frustrated and depressed. Please help me - if you think you can.

For the love of all that's holy, speak as honestly to HER as you are to AN ONLINE FORUM FULL OF PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW. I can't stress enough how screwed up your priorities are if you're asking us before asking her. If you can't get a straight answer when you bring it up (and you don't want to level the whole cannon at her and fire all at once, but bring it up subtly and work your way into the topic), no matter how hard you try and how nice you are about trying, then some folks here are right, and she's NOT worth the effort.

That rather depends. A relationship should have a balance of sex with which both people are comfortable, or else you're going to find it leads to friction, one way or another.

In some relationships (at some times.. since, obviously, things change) that will be three times a day, in some, it will be no sex ever. Some people will be happy at either extreme, some people would be miserable at either extreme... most of us will be on that line somewhere.

Clever, clever man.

Clever, clever man.

Oh, you saw that?

*acts innocent*

...if women would stop assuming that orgasms are the be-all end-all for all men, then maybe...

etc.

How on earth did I imply that it was?? This is a man asking a question about a woman. Why the hell am I going to bring up things completely irrelevant to his query? And what on earth does your comment have to do with mine????

I sayeth three things:

1. Back off about the sex for a while.

2. Does she respect you? Respect can be a major issue.

3. I know I'm being callous/insensitive but... GET A BLOG!

Hmm, have you become clingy? Basically, are you her shadow, do you follow her around everywhere like a sad puppy dog? When she want her 'me' time (Me time is alone time), do you give it to her? Do you say creepy stuff like "I wish we could be handcuffed together"? If she doesn't do what you want to do, do you whine and mope like a 3 year old? When she goes out with friends, (even female ones), do you get jealous? How do you take rejection?

Ask her.

Seriously, that's the best advice I can give you. Just ask her.

There's only one person you can ask.

How on earth did I imply that it was?? This is a man asking a question about a woman. Why the hell am I going to bring up things completely irrelevant to his query? And what on earth does your comment have to do with mine????

Why the hell are you going to bring up things completely irrelevent to his query? You did. You turned the question into an excuse to bash on men who - according to you - can be treated as some kind of homogenous group (I note you don't say SOME men) in their failure to comprehend the complexity of female sexuality (and here, you DO allow that there is difference). You also create a contradiction between men and women, whereby women are not all entirely motivated by the orgasm... which suggests that men ARE). Did the poster say it is all about the orgasms? Did the poster suggest that orgasms were the problem? No - the 'problem' was the lack of sexuality in entirety. Your answer created a strawman question and answered that, and loaded it with nice spicy sexism to boot.

If you have issues with men, or problems with the balance of orgasm quotients, deal with them. We don't really need to hear about it.

She's cheating on you. I've seen this happen many times before. Dump her now. If you don't you may or may not get AIDS.

She's cheating on you. I've seen this happen many times before. Dump her now. If you don't you may or may not get AIDS.

That's a strong possibility.

She's cheating on you. I've seen this happen many times before. Dump her now. If you don't you may or may not get AIDS.
This why you turned gay, then?

You know what's sad though, I've seen women cheat on their guys before, but the guys has such a low self respect and esteem for themselves that they don't dump the woman out of fear of being "lonely" and not finding anyone else. I mean Hells Bells, I'd rather be single than to date someone who cheated on me.

She may or may not be cheating on you. She is using you, though. She gets a great deal from you - a place to live, financial support, affection, a live-in maid and contributes --- what?

She's not doing anything to pay her way - housework when she feels like it and that's about it. She has control of the situation and you; you wait on her and she doles out what she feels like doling out. You really need, not to take control of the situation, but to balance it. It's your house, set some rules about cleaning up and finances, make them stick.

It seems to me that there's no respect in this relationship. There's fear of losing her on your part. There's no respect for you on her part.

Sex is really the least important part of this situation. It's the symptom of a deeper problem, not the problem itself. Talk to her, get couples counseling.

what everyone else said but in a different format with a few fancy words thrown in.
So far i think talking to her is the most popular solution.

could she be feeling like there's pressure to have sex? that could put her off pretty big time. (yah i know its a bit late but i went to all the trouble of reading the OP so i'm gonna say my bit all the same...)

edit: oh yeah, talk with her. if that's not obvious.

I'm going to have to echo the sentiments of those who say to talk to her. If you two can't sit down and talk about important things, you shouldn't be in the relationship.

could she be feeling like there's pressure to have sex? that could put her off pretty big time. (yah i know its a bit late but i went to all the trouble of reading the OP so i'm gonna say my bit all the same...)
This idea of pressure to have sex putting people off is alien to me, but i'll go along with it, i guess it could get tiring after a while.
I'm going to have to echo the sentiments of those who say to talk to her. If you two can't sit down and talk about important things, you shouldn't be in the relationship.
exactly, then again i suppose if someone doesn't have the ability to speak to other people then it's okay for them not to speak as it were.
uh i think i just made things more complicated. wooops

This idea of pressure to have sex putting people off is alien to me, but i'll go along with it, i guess it could get tiring after a while.


she is almost certainly feeling the pressure. after all they had been having lots of sex and now whenever he makes a move in that direction she shuts him down.

You must ask her the reason. Your relationship with her wont work unless you guys are honest about everything.
She is the only one who can give the answer for your question. It seems that like you, she is also afraid to have a honest conversation about her problems.

Go talk to her and you guys will be just fine:p

She shuts him down because she is tired from boning someone else. She is using you. Dump the bitch.

Why the hell are you going to bring up things completely irrelevent to his query?
Riiight. Hormonal changes, relationship problems, health concerns, totally irrelevant. It must be the flying spagetti monster causing her to not have sex with him.
You did. You turned the question into an excuse to bash on men who - according to you - can be treated as some kind of homogenous group (I note you don't say SOME men) in their failure to comprehend the complexity of female sexuality (and here, you DO allow that there is difference).
This coming from the guy that insists there are no straight or gay men. Generalizing is okay as long as you're doing it apparently.

You also create a contradiction between men and women, whereby women are not all entirely motivated by the orgasm... which suggests that men ARE).
That's pretty giant leap in logic.

Did the poster say it is all about the orgasms? Did the poster suggest that orgasms were the problem?
No, he just feels the need to bring upall the orgasms he's giving her.

No - the 'problem' was the lack of sexuality in entirety. Your answer created a strawman question and answered that, and loaded it with nice spicy sexism to boot.
Oh. My mistake. Hormones, birth control, health, mental health, how the relationship is doing couldn't possibly have anything to do with the OP's problem. Like I said, it's the flying spagetti monster. Silly me.

If you have issues with men, or problems with the balance of orgasm quotients, deal with them. We don't really need to hear about it.
You pick out such a tiny part of my post to bitch about... Why not try getting over your persecution complex.

Here's a brilliant idea.
TALK TO HER!

Seriously, tell her you're concerned and tell her what you think. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. Ask her why and work on resolving the problem.

The best thing for you to do, and I say this with the utmost candid seriousness, is become a homosexual.
That's right: start taking correspondence courses in Interior Design and sleeping with guys, that'll show her.

...your persecution complex.

Uh huh. That'll be it. You make sweeping generalisations about all men failing to treat women like individuals, and any man that objects to it is 'feeling persecuted'.

Emmeline Pankhurst is spinning in her grave.

There's someone else. Sorry mate, life sucks.

She has no respect for you at all. She gets room and board and a maid. Now you're no longer exciting, but she's a smart woman and knows that she has you by a string. She moved on. It's time you do.

Either that, or there's a slim chance you did something, or she thinks you did something, and you're just in the doghouse bigtime. As 2083298493843984 people have said, talk to her. Hell, ask if she's been cheating on you. And don't just listen to her response; watch it. You should be able to know when this girl's telling the truth, and she could just be waiting for you to finally catch on.

yes.

sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship. there is no sense pretending it isnt. good sex doesnt guarantee a good relationship but bad sex (or no sex which is what they are headed for) is a guarantee that it will fail.

if she is honesty not interested in more sex than this, he needs to move on.

(ignoring the many possible reasons that might put them back on track sexually)

if he didnt want sex, they would just be friends.

she isnt his wife. she is his girlfriend. if its not working for HIM, its not working.

I second this. I also want to add that your relationship if you described it right is probably about to end. I would preemptively end it and tell her she needs to find another place to stay. Gut reaction says she is interested in someone else or she has something else going on with her that you can't fix.

Edit:
Ask your personal friends what they think. Come to think of it she may be sleeping with one of them.

Has she recently started birth control or changed any medications? Birth control can lower a sex drive. She could be depressed, have a hormone imbalance, be under stress, feel bad about her body, have some other health problem she's to embarassed to talk to you about, interocurse might have become painful...

You need to ask her what's going on and stop assuming things.

I should also add, you're assuming she's having orgasms. And that's not a jab at you, and if men would stop assuming that orgasms are the be-all end-all for all women then maybe women wouldn't feel the need to fake. Not that it makes it right for a woman to fake because it just fucks up a guy's expectations for the next girl that comes along. There is an astounding amount of genetic diversity when it comes to women's sexuality. Most women can't orgasm through penetration. So maybe she likes the orgasms she gets before but hates that it comes with an expecation that she must have full on vaginal intercourse after, maybe she doesn't like the foreplay and wants to get down to business, maybe she's never had an orgasm and doesn't know how to tell you, maybe she's tired of faking and doesn't know how to tell you she has been. Or maybe it has nothing at all to do with the quality of sex and has everything to do with a health or relationship problem.

I would just like to say, having read through to the end of the thread, that I think this post is perfectly valid and relevant to the OP's story/question. The OP's trying to figure out why his girlfriend doesn't want sex anymore; these are all *perfectly realistic and possible reasons*, especially considering the OP did go out of his way to mention the number of orgasms he "gives" his girlfriend (personally, I find that phrase odd - giving orgasms - but anyway).

To the OP, just in case the "talk to her" message hasn't sunk in, the only person who knows the answers to these questions if her. It will by no means be an easy conversation, and may in fact be awkward, painful, heartbreaking, enlightening, a blessing, a curse, or all of the above. Doesn't mean you don't *need* to have it. You aren't satisfied with the current state of the relationship; you have every right to want your needs to be met, and ask why they aren't. She has every right to no longer want to meet your needs. You need to figure out if this is the case, and act appropriately.

I don't suggest you broach the conversation accusingly - ie, "my internet forum friends say you're cheating on me" - but rather, sit down and say, "hey, look. I really care about you, and I've noticed lately that you no longer seem interested in sex with me. Why is that?"

I do agree that, while you're at it, you need to consider the health of your relationship when it appears that you provide her with pretty much every comfort while she contributes very little to your own. Are you really satisfied with the division of, say, housework or financial duties? Clearly the physical affection is lopsided.

Finally, you need to be willing and able to recognise that she may not be the person for you, regardless of how much you love her or want her to be. You deserve - as everyone deserves - a relationship wherein both partners contribute equally to the health and stability of the relationship, and wherein *all* of your needs are met, or at least recognised and possible met with a reasonable compromise.

(I completely agree that sex is a necessary and very fundamental part of a relationship - and I also think that while people might not think sex is such a big factor when it's good and frequent, as soon as it's bad or frustratingly infrequent, it becomes a HUGE factor. Good sex might not make a relationship, but bad sex can break it.)

The best thing for you to do, and I say this with the utmost candid seriousness, is become a homosexual.
That's right: start taking correspondence courses in Interior Design and sleeping with guys, that'll show her.

You;re so randomly insightful, Mr Fiddles, your posts don't even count.

Uh huh. That'll be it. You make sweeping generalisations about all men failing to treat women like individuals, and any man that objects to it is 'feeling persecuted'.

Emmeline Pankhurst is spinning in her grave.

You're the one that pulls one tiny part out of my post, makes a leap of logic Evel Knievel couldn't make, and then you can't even responnd when I point this out. Once again this is all about you.

You're the one that pulls one tiny part out of my post, makes a leap of logic Evel Knievel couldn't make, and then you can't even responnd when I point this out. Once again this is all about you.

I didn't pull out one tiny part of your post - I used one part of the whole as an example. It's "all about me" in the same way that it was "all about" those damn uppity blacks wanting to not be slaves anymore.

lie you said ur not doing anything different. maybe thats why. you should try a more different approach if you know what i mean. ;}

With all the advice the OP received so far, I'm still confused about why we (men), should "stop reading" or be depressed about that. I'm rather sure this problem is a pretty common one and to be depressed about it (without actually being in it) seems kind of silly to me.

You've become an old married couple. There is no more sex.

Conan - talk to her - communication is the most important tool you have in a relationship. Seriously. Confront her and be as understanding as you can possibly be.

If sex is all that holds this relationship together, then doom is afoot.

Since I still appreciate you,
Let's find love while we may.
Because I know I'll hate you
When you are old and grey.

So say you love me here and now,
I'll make the most of that.
Say you love and trust me,
For I know you'll disgust me
When you're old and getting fat.

An awful debility,
A lessened utility,
A loss of mobility
Is a strong possibility.
In all probability
I'll lose my virility
And you your fertility
And desirability.
And this liability
Of total sterility
Will lead to hostility
And a sense of futility.
So let's act with agility
While we still have facility,
For we'll soon reach senility
And lose the ability.

Your teeth will start to go, dear,
Your waist will start to spread.
In twenty years or so, dear,
I'll wish that you were dead.

I'll never love you then at all
The way I do today.
So please remember,
When I leave in December,
I told you so in May.

My suggestion: Find another activity to perform, as she will probably be bored with sex for a while. Consider discussing philosophy, art, literature or history. Maybe you should watch some excellent movie together; Ran or Barry Lyndon.

To the OP:

Update us on the direction you took. I and I believe others would be interested in how it turns out for you. If it doesn't go well there are billions of fish in the sea. You will live through it.

Good advice, NSG crew. Particularly Anti-Social Darwinism's suggestion about having some fair ground-rules, and the oft-repeated advice that only the girlfriend can really explain what is going on, and OP needs to talk to her.

I won't really offer advice, it would be like a blind man explaining how to paint a nice landscape.

*snip*.

Worst. First. Post. Evarrr.

You've become an old married couple. There is no more sex.

Rovotia and I are like an old married couple... we still have sex.

Worst. First. Post. Evarrr.

well, at least there weren't any gun smilies. and you spelt 'evarrr' wrong, it's meant to be 'evarrrrrrrrr'. you've got to put more pronounciation in the 'rrr'

You might ask her, assuming she gives an honest answer.

What's with this "I do all the housework" nonsense? She lives in the house, since she only works weekends, I assume you pay most of the bills, she needs to do her share. At this point I suspect she thinks you're too eager and too needy and has lost respect for you - women don't tend to find men sexy when they don't respect them. I don't advocate abuse, I do advocate a hard line. She needs to do her share financially (as much as she's able) and she needs to do her share of the work (I don't care whose house it is, she still makes 50% of the mess and eats 50% of the food). If you demand that she does her share one of two things will happen, 1. her attitude will change and respect will return to the relationship in which case, so will sex or 2. She'll get pissy and leave, looking for an easier mark - in which case you haven't lost a thing.

(I'm a 61 year old female, I've had a bit of experience with these things).

You're a girl?!!!!!

Anyway, to the OP: yeah, I'd follow this advice. Don't be too harsh, but bring up the issue that it would really be more fair if she did some of the housework too, instead of it all being on your shoulders. If she feels she can walk all over you, then her respect has dropped for you and so has her opinion of how sexy you are. Relationships work better when things are more balanced than your scenario sounds like.

It's time for the big talk about sex. Find out why it's been less, has she been stressed out, is she depressed, does she just not need as much sex as you, does she feel uninterested in sex?

If you frame it that you are worried about her seemingly sudden change rather than you want moar sex (which should be the truth) then it's unlikely to develop into a fight.

Remember dude, she don't owe you sex, you can take matters into your own hands, so to speak.

If she has something going on though other than "I'm just not interested right now" it's your job as boyfriend to try to be supportive and listen and listen.

You are not the fixer however, do not try to fix anything but maybe your own behavior (like if she says you are pissing her off). If you try to offer advice or fix things.....she's likely to get pissed off.

Also very good advice, especially the part I underlined. She might be having some very real problems that might not have anything to do with you.

This why you turned gay, then?

No, he turned gay because he's afraid of vaginas.

Definitely anal sex. You'll find out really quick whether she loves you or not when you surprise her by sticking it in her pooper.

Seriously, I see three possibilities:

1. She's cheating on you. Talk to her, then dump her.

2. She's lost interest in your relationship, and as such, lost interest in the bedroom. Talk to her, see if it's fixable. If not, move on.

3. She's become really bored in the bedroom. This is the least likely possibility. Talk to her, and try experimenting. There's plenty of crazy shit you can do.

So, as many other posters have said, talk to her. Good luck and let us know how it works out.

No, he turned gay because he's afraid of vaginas.

Me too. Especially when they bite you.

Me too. Especially when they bite you.

But that's the fun part.

Worst. First. Post. Evarrr.

Obviously someone hiding their true identity. I wonder who it may be?

Obviously someone hiding their true identity. I wonder who it may be?

Jesus, maybe.

Jesus, maybe.

I've been sleeping with Jesus? Awkward...

That's pretty giant leap in logic.

Didn't you know? If grey isn't black, then red must be white.

I didn't pull out one tiny part of your post - I used one part of the whole as an example. It's "all about me" in the same way that it was "all about" those damn uppity blacks wanting to not be slaves anymore.

Yes, I blame men for changes in my hormone levels, health issues, relantionship problems. Care to point out where I said the OP was causing possible relationship problems, health issues ect?

Didn't you know? If grey isn't black, then red must be white.

If I can tie my shoes, then there's a 100% chance of rain in China today.