NationStates Jolt Archive

So I'm pondering on something. Why do children always look for the approval of their parents even well into adult life? I've known people to end relationships because their parents didn't approve of their partner. I'm having a hard enough coping with mine, even staying in the same house for a week with them is taking its toll.

So why does it happen? Why do we constantly look for our parents approval even when the thing we do may hurt us in the long run?

Because we relied on them before, thus they tend to know a bit about what's going to happen to us because they've as likely already gone through it.

I don't know about parents and relationships, they should stear clear of them, unless they're getting violent. which they can do, in some unfortunate cases.
But it's far better to not rely on your parents, sure a little advice is always useful, but i wouldn't hang on the phone to them for hours every day.

Force of habit?


I dunno, I haven't spoken with my father in well over a decade, and I only occasionally talk to my mom...

It depends on the person.

Those with helicopter parents are more likely to seek approval than those who distanced themselves or asserted their position. Children who were more agreeable and relied heavily on their parents for approval their whole lives are the ones who will seek that approval.

So I'm pondering on something. Why do children always look for the approval of their parents even well into adult life? I've known people to end relationships because their parents didn't approve of their partner. I'm having a hard enough coping with mine, even staying in the same house for a week with them is taking its toll.

So why does it happen? Why do we constantly look for our parents approval even when the thing we do may hurt us in the long run?

I don't nesicarily think that we all do. I think those who feel that they never had it as children may carry that into adulthood.

Heh you show us an insight into not only your own pysche, but your childhood too.

are you wanting me to answer a question you know the answer to or are you looking for permission to not care about your parents opinion of you?

you are stuck. you will always care about your parents approval. the path to adulthood is balancing that out with your own opinions and goals in life. you have to figure out on your own just where that balance works best.

So I'm pondering on something. Why do children always look for the approval of their parents even well into adult life? I've known people to end relationships because their parents didn't approve of their partner. I'm having a hard enough coping with mine, even staying in the same house for a week with them is taking its toll.

So why does it happen? Why do we constantly look for our parents approval even when the thing we do may hurt us in the long run?

When you can answer that one you will make millions! :)

It dawned on me when I was 28 years old that I didn't need my mother's approval regarding the things I was doing in my life (or who I was dating). She and I had a very serious chat one day following a lecture she was giving me on how I was living my life.

I explained to her, with respect, that while I would genuinely like to have her support, I understood if she felt she could not give it. (She has every right to have her opinion.) I also calmly explained to her that as an adult while I would like to have the support, it was not necessary for my happiness.

The key here was that I was no longer angry with her for feeling like I was never meeting her expectations. It dawned on me it was my life, there was no reason to be angry at her.

Of course the part that really bites...she was right. :(

I'm a parent now, two of my sons are in their early 20s. So you know what? I found myself having way too much commentary regarding their lives. :p I have made a conscious effort to wait until they ask for my advice...I so remember how it felt.

We have to learn ourselves, but as a parent it is very hard to see our children (no matter the age) do things that we don't feel are in their best interest. No one wants to see their children hurt, suffer or in pain. ;)

If it is any consolation, this too shall pass. :)

I don't think I've ever gotten my parents approval, or ever needed it. Although recently my mother has admitted to me that she would be very angry with me if I ever joined a cult or something because of all the times I easily told her 'no' and meant it when I was growing up, that if I couldn't tell a cult no something was wrong. But that just made me laugn not need her approval.

I think it has to do with the ammount of influence on your life. Aside from trying to punish me when I did really bad things, neither of my parents had the time to do more then say hello to me and feed me, maybe walk me to school the first day so I knew where I was going when I was like 6. So I've never needed their approval, and I can honestly say I'm socially dense enough to not even notice if they're trying to show me it or not.

Then again my father's new wife, I guess she would be my stepmom even though they married well after I grew up, her son, who's older then me, is constantly in need of not only her approval but care and guidance, like he never wants to leave the house. Of course I havn't moved out of my mother's house either, but unlike him I'm only still here because it's within half an hour of my university and free, which means more effort into university. Way out in the country he has no excuse.

So I'm pondering on something. Why do children always look for the approval of their parents even well into adult life?
Easy: they don't.

Some people always seek their parents' approval. Some people do so some of the time, but don't do so other times. And some people don't give a shit about their parents' approval.

The question you should be asking is, "Why do some people seek their parents' approval even well into adult life?"


I've known people to end relationships because their parents didn't approve of their partner.

My parents are great people who have a terrific relationship. I think they are extremely good judges of character. They are also very intelligent, and I know that they have my best interests at heart.

Given all that, if my parents hated somebody I was dating I would take their feedback very seriously. The fact that my parents really like my partner is a very good sign to me, because it reassures me that I'm not just infatuated and starry-eyed to the point of missing warning signs or problems with my partner.


I'm having a hard enough coping with mine, even staying in the same house for a week with them is taking its toll.

I love my parents like mad, but I can't live with them. Haven't been able to stand living with them since I was 15.

It's quite possible to love somebody bunches and really respect them and really value their opinion, but still hate living with them.


So why does it happen? Why do we constantly look for our parents approval even when the thing we do may hurt us in the long run?
I value my parents' approval because I admire and respect them, and I strive to emulate their best qualities. My parents don't require that I follow the same life path as they have. Their approval is not contingent upon my adherence to some arbitrary fixed image of what life is supposed to be. They want me to be a thoughtful, brave, independent, kind, generous, happy person. I want to be all of those things, so seeking my parents' approval doesn't require that I deviate from my intended life course at all.

My parents always gave me good advice as a child (although I didn't realise it at the time). I still find myself asking them about major things like advice on mortgages etc. Until they let me down and give me bad advice I'll keep doing it I suppose

Children tend to take many of their parents' values and beliefs, so they'll look for approval that they're doing things right.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin – This Be The Verse

in my experience its all down to who your parents are and how you fit into that for instance if your parents are domineering you will tend to be more submissive

it is also heavily affected by the culture you grow up in but where hardly talking massive extended families here

I don't know. My wife had a good relationship with her mother, and she said that it wouldn't have worked between us if her mother and I didn't get along (we get along famously and even work together.) I, on the other hand, haven't spoken to my mother in a year and barely speak to my father, who's on the opposite coast, and rather like it. I didn't have a good relationship growing up, and while I was well-taken-care-of financially, I wasn't taken care of in most other ways. Oh well. I left home, and I haven't looked back.

Some people will have my wife's attitude of "Well, if Mommy doesn't approve, I shan't do it." Some people will have my attitude of, "If they don't like it, fuck 'em in the ear." Too many factors go into it to say for sure what causes one or the other.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin – This Be The Verse

Ahhh that Larkin he was right you know.

I still want my parents to be proud of me. My Dad may frequently be a narcissisistic (sp) prick and my Mom a champion whiner, but I want their approval and I'm about twice the age of a lot of you. Go figure.

I still want my parents to be proud of me. My Dad may frequently be a narcissisistic (sp) prick and my Mom a champion whiner, but I want their approval and I'm about twice the age of a lot of you. Go figure.

Soooooo how old are ya then?

Soooooo how old are ya then?

I'll guess 20 no no 30 no 40, ah 35 and that's my final offer.
Going once
Going twice
...

Parents just don't understand (http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=-O4sSZc2WCU)