NationStates Jolt Archive

I need help. One of my friends is a restaurant manager, and needs to fire one of his employees. He's having trouble coming up with a funny one liner or witty way to fire her. She's a total bitch, and she stole from the store. Halp me, NSG, you're my only hope.

Difficulty: she has no internet, so memes would go over her head.

forget the one liner, if she stole from the store then its not something to laugh over. i prefer humiliation, not only is it satisfying to grind someones face in to the dirt, it is usually just plain damn funny

If she stole, just report her to the police and fire her; I don't see why it needs to be dressed up in a funny way. Does your friend really need to prove he can be an asshole just as much as her?

"I'm sorry, we have to let you go. Your last day of work will be Tuesday. We'll have a going away party in your honor on Wednesday." :)

Why would he want to be funny about something serious? Firing somebody while making a joke about it is NOT proffessional.

I'd suggest staging a conversation in which the manager asks whether she really needs the job. If she says yes, then say "Oh well, you're fucked love", if not, then say "In that case you can go home".

Either that or announce it over the tannoy.

The appropriate thing to do would be to either report it to the police if it's worth trying to get back what was stolen or just get rid of the problem smoothly without any extra fuss but if your friend likes being a jerk why not do it twice, joke fire her on April 1st then fire her for real the next day.

Why would he want to be funny about something serious? Firing somebody while making a joke about it is NOT proffessional.

Neither is being unable to spell the word, truth be told.

You might want to develop a personality as well; any establishment or place of work in which humour is not permitted in anything professional would be dreadful.

Neither is being unable to spell the word, truth be told.:rolleyes:

You might want to develop a personality as well; any establishment or place of work in which humour is not permitted in anything professional would be dreadful.
I HOPE you are joking there. If not..maybe you should go read the OP again..and not misread my reply.

Firing someone with a witty one-liner? Can you say 'employment tribunal'?

Just be clear about it: "I'm not going to buy your labour anymore. I found that it's not worth the price, especially considering all the stuff you stole."

There's nothing funny or witty about having to fire someone, it's a very serious matter for all concerned. If your boss isn't careful, the employee may be able to sue him for harassment or humiliation.

The term "fire" comes from the good old days.. when a comunity did not want someone to live there anymore they would light that person's house on fire. Hence the term to be fired... Though depending on your POV that might be a pretty good laugh :D

Do not use jokes when sacking people.

For one, they might not take it seriously.

For two, in the future, employees will be scared when said manager makes jokes to them.

So, no, not funny.

I need help. One of my friends is a restaurant manager, and needs to fire one of his employees. He's having trouble coming up with a funny one liner or witty way to fire her. She's a total bitch, and she stole from the store. Halp me, NSG, you're my only hope.

Difficulty: she has no internet, so memes would go over her head.

Firing someone is a CYA (ya in caps) situation for any manager. It is not the time to be funny, nor to humiliate a soon to be former employer. It is the time to have everything...and I mean everything documented as to why the person is being fired. If she files unemployment, there will have to be a challenge by the employer alleging why she was fired. She gets her opportunity to dispute it, and she will because it means her benefits if she loses.

Humiliating employees (and making their lives miserable so they will quit) are the most common methods of getting people to leave. But if an employee can prove it was happening the employer will lose everytime and benefits will be charged against their reserve accounts.

A manager worth anything knows this.

I suggest, if he can prove she stole, "We are unable to employ you any more because we caught you stealing this, this and this." And privately -- not in front of the whole team, but perhaps his regional manager/the owner should be there.

Wow, she should just get fired. Honestly, I don't understand why he needs a reason to make it a funny issue or something.

I need help. One of my friends is a restaurant manager, and needs to fire one of his employees. He's having trouble coming up with a funny one liner or witty way to fire her. She's a total bitch, and she stole from the store. Halp me, NSG, you're my only hope.

Difficulty: she has no internet, so memes would go over her head.

What did she steal?
Jokes are a bad idea if you want to fire someone, oh yes do not even attempt being funny if you wish to fire that employee.
See other posters comments, jokes really aren't a good idea, because that employee might steal more things afterward in hatred, customers may be lost due to bad publicity from fired employee, this type of behaviour might discourage other potential good employees from applying to replace this woman.
So does this manager usually make jokes at innapropriate times or is this the first time he wants to make a fool of himself?

What did she steal?
Jokes are a bad idea if you want to fire someone, oh yes do not even attempt being funny if you wish to fire that employee.
See other posters comments, jokes really aren't a good idea, because that employee might steal more things afterward in hatred, customers may be lost due to bad publicity from fired employee, this type of behaviour might discourage other potential good employees from applying to replace this woman.
So does this manager usually make jokes at innapropriate times or is this the first time he wants to make a fool of himself?

Or burn thier house down...

Or burn thier house down...

have you been reading my other posts?:D
You've got to be careful with those, still yes burn the house down is a highly valued tactic to firing them, or gaining revenge...mmmm burning

Her: "Hey, Boss. What's going on?"
You: "Hey, you know how you used to work here? Well, you don't anymore, so I suggest you leave before I call the police for trespassing."

set a trap which will both bring the maximum attention and humiliation :)

maybe some sort of snare with a money trap

Do it with a lolcat in an MMS.

"Ur fird lol"

That kind of thing, yknow?

It always backfires when you act like an asshole.

I should know...

if she got caught she deserves to get sacked for being inept. just fucking tell her. anyway, one-liners in this kind of situation are for dickheads. if my boss sacked me with a one-liner i'd burn her house down and slash her tires. well, maybe just slash her tires.

if she got caught she deserves to get sacked for being inept. just fucking tell her. anyway, one-liners in this kind of situation are for dickheads. if my boss sacked me with a one-liner i'd burn her house down and slash her tires. well, maybe just slash her tires.
You pished or something?

Just be clear about it: "I'm not going to buy your labour anymore. I found that it's not worth the price, especially considering all the stuff you stole."

i really think your view of the labour market is incredibly naive and idealistic. in the extreme. like, really. like, not based in reality whatsoever. like, i'm surprised you have a job.

You pished or something?

somewhat, but i'm serious too.

Making a joke about firing someone is just asking for a shit ton of legal trouble.

Any manager that would look to firing an employee as an opportunity for humor or embarassment doesn't deserve to be a manager.

somewhat, but i'm serious too.
Rightio, then.

Making a joke about firing someone is just asking for a shit ton of legal trouble.

Any manager that would look to firing an employee as an opportunity for humor or embarassment doesn't deserve to be a manager.

this ^ but without the legal shite. honestly who the fuck can afford legal representation for this? direct reprisal is the only way.

i really think your view of the labour market is incredibly naive and idealistic. in the extreme. like, really. like, not based in reality whatsoever. like, i'm surprised you have a job.

Isn't he a student? Seems like most libertarians on here are quite young.

Of course, all are convinced they're headed for riches and that the lazy poor will want to STEAL those riches from them.

this ^ but without the legal shite. honestly who the fuck can afford legal representation for this?

You are aware that there's an entire field of legal representation that does just this kind of "shite"?

You are aware that most plaintiffs in civil suits do not pay attorney's fees unless they win?

I need help. One of my friends is a restaurant manager, and needs to fire one of his employees. He's having trouble coming up with a funny one liner or witty way to fire her. She's a total bitch, and she stole from the store. Halp me, NSG, you're my only hope.

Difficulty: she has no internet, so memes would go over her head.

Letting an Employee go is a serious thing.

"Sorry, but we can no longer afford to keep you on our staff."
"due to the situation we find ourselves in, I have no choice but to terminate your posistion."
"you're fired. please leave the premisis immediately."

I would HIGHLY suggest not going with the witty or funny one-liner. that would be a mistake.

Isn't he a student? Seems like most libertarians on here are quite young.

Of course, all are convinced they're headed for riches and that the lazy poor will want to STEAL those riches from them.

NL is a student i think, yes. but he does have a job (or he did not long ago).

i am also convinced that capitalist libertarians are all convinced they are going to come out top dog. there's no way such a philosophy can be attractive otherwise.

You are aware that there's an entire field of legal representation that does just this kind of "shite"?

You are aware that most plaintiffs in civil suits do not pay attorney's fees unless they win?

i couldn't afford to win.

If she stole, shouldn't he first be taking legal action against her? Theft from the workplace isn't exactly a minor issue that should be handled by the restaurant alone, especially if it's a significant sum of money.

If she stole, shouldn't he first be taking legal action against her? Theft from the workplace isn't exactly a minor issue that should be handled by the restaurant alone, especially if it's a significant sum of money.

yes it is. there was no mention of how significant the sum was. maybe she was stupid and stole a lot, but petty sums need not be taken to court. that's just pathetic. if a manager cannot deal with the theft of petty cash s/he shouldn't be a manager.

i couldn't afford to win.

how in the world do you figure that? In the US at least, fees are taking as a percentage of your winnings. Most attorney's don't take hourly fees for filing a lawsuit, they take a percentage of the winnings.

I do not recommend this. I submit this only for purposes of being a joke.
Her: "Hey, Boss. What's going on?"
Boss: "Wha... you still work here?"

how in the world do you figure that? In the US at least, fees are taking as a percentage of your winnings. Most attorney's don't take hourly fees for filing a lawsuit, they take a percentage of the winnings.

didn't know that, no idea how it works in the uk either. as far as i've noticed though the legal system here is not geared to look after joe public. last time i needed legal representation i had to lie about my weekly earnings cuz otherwise i'd have been representing myself.

yes it is. there was no mention of how significant the sum was. maybe she was stupid and stole a lot, but petty sums need not be taken to court. that's just pathetic. if a manager cannot deal with the theft of petty cash s/he shouldn't be a manager.

Yeah, definitely. If the amounts are minor, it would cost far more to go to court than it would to simply deal with it then and there. Sometimes, it's simply not worth it.

Why would he want to be funny about something serious? Firing somebody while making a joke about it is NOT proffessional.

I really really agree.

I also don't like people firing employees at the end of a shift, it happened to me once while I saw the dept. manager several tiems prior, including when I first walked in the door that day (no, I made no infractions that day itself that got me fired).

I also don't like people firing employees at the end of a shift

Oh but the employers do! Otherwise they would have to scramble to find a replacement right away...

But at least you get a full days pay versus none,and don't waste your time getting to work only to find out you do not work there anymore.

Alright, here's what happened. I managed this store from Novemberish to the end of January, when the company was sold. This particular employee worked for me from when I got there until about four weeks later.

She was an absolutely wretched employee. Horribly rude, up to and including berating customers and other employees quite publically. She was a guaranteed no-show at least one day a week. So when she didn't show up and didn't call for three days, I logged her as having left without notice.

Then the company was sold, and I lost my job there, and my friend (one of my former employees) wound up as the manager, basically because he showed up. She contacted him begging for her job back - she'd learned from her mistakes, and she'd do better this time, hand to God. So he hired her and went to bat with the new owners to get her a REALLY good pay rate for the job she did. Much more than she was worth. And nothing had changed.

She called him up last week to ask if she could have an advance. He told her to call the new owners. She said "fuck that", and took money out of the register. She brought it back a few days later, which is why my friend isn't pressing charges.

So, he really owes her nothing. She's liable to make a scene, even become violent, if he attempts to fire her civilly. I know this from working with her before. We decided it either needed to knock the feet out from under her - a witty one-liner to throw her off balance - or the police needed to be there.

Oh but the employers do! Otherwise they would have to scramble to find a replacement right away...

But at least you get a full days pay versus none,and don't waste your time getting to work only to find out you do not work there anymore.

Thats true... except this day was the first day of a new paycycle... it seemed pointless to me.

Thats ok, apparently calling in once, and going home early once (due to illness) was 'calling in and going home' a lot (I was almost at 90 days), even though another employee had called in 4-5 times... Then agian, I remain convinced my boss didn't care for me for reasons that didn't actually affect the job... I was prett upset with the situation in general.

Neither is being unable to spell the word, truth be told.

You might want to develop a personality as well; any establishment or place of work in which humour is not permitted in anything professional would be dreadful.
The difference is his misspelling is on an online forum not in a work place, professionalism is not a concern on a forum.

Humor is a great thing to have in a work place but there are circumstances which it is not appropriate for, this is one of them.

this ^ but without the legal shite. honestly who the fuck can afford legal representation for this? direct reprisal is the only way.

Mm, I don't know, all kinds of Legal Aid society type stuff...

Alright, here's what happened. I managed this store from Novemberish to the end of January, when the company was sold. This particular employee worked for me from when I got there until about four weeks later.

She was an absolutely wretched employee. Horribly rude, up to and including berating customers and other employees quite publically. She was a guaranteed no-show at least one day a week. So when she didn't show up and didn't call for three days, I logged her as having left without notice.

Then the company was sold, and I lost my job there, and my friend (one of my former employees) wound up as the manager, basically because he showed up. She contacted him begging for her job back - she'd learned from her mistakes, and she'd do better this time, hand to God. So he hired her and went to bat with the new owners to get her a REALLY good pay rate for the job she did. Much more than she was worth. And nothing had changed.

She called him up last week to ask if she could have an advance. He told her to call the new owners. She said "fuck that", and took money out of the register. She brought it back a few days later, which is why my friend isn't pressing charges.

So, he really owes her nothing. She's liable to make a scene, even become violent, if he attempts to fire her civilly. I know this from working with her before. We decided it either needed to knock the feet out from under her - a witty one-liner to throw her off balance - or the police needed to be there.

You honestly think a witty one-liner is going to knock her off balance that much? Really? I mean, honestly?

She'll be more violent, if anything, due to the fact that you are not only firing her, but also embarassing and/or insulting her.

If you feel police need to be there, call the police. Otherwise, "I am sorry, but you are no longer an employee. Please leave now" is fine.

I have read through a couple of the comments on here. As an employer I have to say one needs to stay professional about it. If you are not professional then as a manager or the owner then you diminish your integrity. There is tons of things to joke around with. Firing someone isn't one of them.

Alright, here's what happened. I managed this store from Novemberish to the end of January, when the company was sold. This particular employee worked for me from when I got there until about four weeks later.

She was an absolutely wretched employee. Horribly rude, up to and including berating customers and other employees quite publically. She was a guaranteed no-show at least one day a week. So when she didn't show up and didn't call for three days, I logged her as having left without notice.

Then the company was sold, and I lost my job there, and my friend (one of my former employees) wound up as the manager, basically because he showed up. She contacted him begging for her job back - she'd learned from her mistakes, and she'd do better this time, hand to God. So he hired her and went to bat with the new owners to get her a REALLY good pay rate for the job she did. Much more than she was worth. And nothing had changed.

She called him up last week to ask if she could have an advance. He told her to call the new owners. She said "fuck that", and took money out of the register. She brought it back a few days later, which is why my friend isn't pressing charges.

So, he really owes her nothing. She's liable to make a scene, even become violent, if he attempts to fire her civilly. I know this from working with her before. We decided it either needed to knock the feet out from under her - a witty one-liner to throw her off balance - or the police needed to be there.

he just needs one other person there and, if he's really scared, cctv coverage.

and is she not entitled to an advance on hours she's already worked? that is the case here as far as i'm aware. even in places with appalling employee relations that i have worked they have given advances on paycheques without question.

*snip*
We decided it either needed to knock the feet out from under her - a witty one-liner to throw her off balance - or the police needed to be there.

Then the police needs to be there. Just because being an ass is the easiest choice does not mean it's the best one.

Mm, I don't know, all kinds of Legal Aid society type stuff...

all with their own stipulations for entitlement. beuraucracy costs money also for the person that has to take days off to wade through it.

I have read through a couple of the comments on here. As an employer I have to say one needs to stay professional about it. If you are not professional then as a manager or the owner then you diminish your integrity. There is tons of things to joke around with. Firing someone isn't one of them.
Agreed

There is a lot of things that humor can help with in a work environment ... but for the most part "HR" related topics are not them (by and large anyways) firing and illegal activities are among them

Forget humor. If she was hired as an at-will employee, there really doesn't need to be any excuse for letting her go, either. Be straight forward and professional. Anything else compromises your friend's integrity as well as how other employees perceive your friend as a manager.

Sounds like the business has enough problems without management behaving unprofessionally over what is already a serious issue.

all with their own stipulations for entitlement. beuraucracy costs money also for the person that has to take days off to wade through it.

There are some folks too that would take the work pro bono.
She might have relatives who would give her the money.
Doing something dodgy because you don't think she can afford representation -- well, you'd deserve what you get.

So, he really owes her nothing. She's liable to make a scene, even become violent, if he attempts to fire her civilly. I know this from working with her before. We decided it either needed to knock the feet out from under her - a witty one-liner to throw her off balance - or the police needed to be there.

I don't think you really understand people if you think wit and police can achieve the same end.

There are some folks too that would take the work pro bono.
She might have relatives who would give her the money.
Doing something dodgy because you don't think she can afford representation -- well, you'd deserve what you get.

in her case, yeh. if she got caught stealing she's not likely to get away with slashing the boss' tires. but i'd stand by my previous statement that a manager that'd turn to humiliation over professionalism deserves to get their tires slashed (or equivalent).

Alright, here's what happened. I managed this store from Novemberish to the end of January, when the company was sold. This particular employee worked for me from when I got there until about four weeks later.

She was an absolutely wretched employee. Horribly rude, up to and including berating customers and other employees quite publically. She was a guaranteed no-show at least one day a week. So when she didn't show up and didn't call for three days, I logged her as having left without notice.

Then the company was sold, and I lost my job there, and my friend (one of my former employees) wound up as the manager, basically because he showed up. She contacted him begging for her job back - she'd learned from her mistakes, and she'd do better this time, hand to God. So he hired her and went to bat with the new owners to get her a REALLY good pay rate for the job she did. Much more than she was worth. And nothing had changed.

She called him up last week to ask if she could have an advance. He told her to call the new owners. She said "fuck that", and took money out of the register. She brought it back a few days later, which is why my friend isn't pressing charges. So, he really owes her nothing.

She's liable to make a scene, even become violent, if he attempts to fire her civilly. I know this from working with her before. We decided it either needed to knock the feet out from under her - a witty one-liner to throw her off balance - or the police needed to be there.

Bad news I"m afraid. If he knew she took the money and didn't fire her then and didn't report it to the owners then, he is out as soon as they know it.

That is if they have any sense at all.

Sorry but your friend screwed up. No manager excuses a thief whether they bring the money back or not. He should have fired her immediately no questions asked.

Alright, here's what happened. I managed this store from Novemberish to the end of January, when the company was sold. This particular employee worked for me from when I got there until about four weeks later.

She was an absolutely wretched employee. Horribly rude, up to and including berating customers and other employees quite publically. She was a guaranteed no-show at least one day a week. So when she didn't show up and didn't call for three days, I logged her as having left without notice.

Then the company was sold, and I lost my job there, and my friend (one of my former employees) wound up as the manager, basically because he showed up. She contacted him begging for her job back - she'd learned from her mistakes, and she'd do better this time, hand to God. So he hired her and went to bat with the new owners to get her a REALLY good pay rate for the job she did. Much more than she was worth. And nothing had changed.

She called him up last week to ask if she could have an advance. He told her to call the new owners. She said "fuck that", and took money out of the register. She brought it back a few days later, which is why my friend isn't pressing charges.

So, he really owes her nothing. She's liable to make a scene, even become violent, if he attempts to fire her civilly. I know this from working with her before. We decided it either needed to knock the feet out from under her - a witty one-liner to throw her off balance - or the police needed to be there.
SERIOUSLY? Next time she dips her fingers in the till, he should call the police. normally, registers have cameras on them so it should be recorded.

I would say, tell your friend, don't even waste the effort for a one-liner. don't spend the time to be more than professional. she sounds like she's not worth it.

If I really had any intention of letting him fuck this up, I wouldn't have posted to NSG asking for help. Clearly there are no lulz in General anymore.

intrnt - srs bsnss

If I really had any intention of letting him fuck this up, I wouldn't have posted to NSG asking for help. Clearly there are no lulz in General anymore.

intrnt - srs bsnsshey, having her arrested for theift is fun and humiliating.

and it can be assumed that firing would be included.

I do agree that your friend should have fired her as soon as he found out the money was stolen, but thats too late to mull over now.

There's no point in suing her, complete waste of time. She already brought the money back, the business has suffered no financial loss. How would that stand up in court?

As for now, if you want to make a joke of the situation, wear a musical tie. But just get rid of her clearly, plainly and quickly. "(insert name) we need to have a chat. You're fired, you'll still get paid for the hours you've done this month. Please leave."

Lets face it, if she really is a psychotic bitch, she's going to get pissed off no matter what. Might as well attempt to not piss her off more. Unfortunatley, some people in life are just like that.