NationStates Jolt Archive

How many of those jokes do you understand?


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
____________________________
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
___________________________

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
___________________________

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
___________________________

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
___________________________

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
___________________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
___________________________

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
___________________________

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'

I'm American, and I can understand these.

How many of those jokes do you understand?


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
____________________________

Barely.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
___________________________

Not at all.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
___________________________

Nope.

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
___________________________

Yes.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Yes again, and I'm going to have to remember that one.

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

*groans*

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

Dreadful (but very clever).

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

:confused:

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

:confused::confused:

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
___________________________

That sounds like the kind of joke an Englishman would tell. :D

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
___________________________

Nope.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

Yep.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

Yep.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

Another one I'm going to have to remember. :p

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
___________________________

Not really.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
___________________________

Not really.

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________

:confused:

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

:confused:

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'

Nope.

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: ‘Can you come and get
me? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring wi’ rain.’
‘Okay’ says her dad. ‘Where are you ringing from?’
And the girl says: ‘Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.’

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
‘Comfy?’ asks the dentist.
‘Govan’ she replies.
:D

Classics!

Barely.
‘Ringing’, as in ‘soaking wet’.

Not at all.
‘Comfy’ could also be misinterpreted as ‘Come fae?’, i.e., ‘Where do you come from’ in Glaswegian.

Most of the jokes listed are about the Weegie patter, such as:


A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: ‘Is there money in
the box?’
‘Naw, it’s just me,’ he replies
‘Is there money in the box?’ could be misinterpreted as ‘Is there moaney (Glaswegian: ‘many’) in the box?’.

Or:

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: ‘Shug, do
you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’
And he says; ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’
‘Doo’ is a Scottish word for ‘Pigeon’.

Or:

A Glasgow man–steaming and skint–is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
‘What’s up, Jimmy,?’ he asks.
‘Piston broke,’ the man replies.
‘Aye, same as masel ..’
‘Piston broke’ = ‘Pissed and broke’.

Etc.

Goan yersel pal!


EDIT: Are you from Castlemilk, NC?

I understand most of these jokes and I'm English.

The first joke is the best though :p

How many of those jokes do you understand? since they're in english, I can understand all of em, but the one's I 'get' are these...

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'


(American)

This is the same as Ulster-Scots isn't it?????????

This is the same as Ulster-Scots isn’t it?????????
Not exactly; the Ulster-Scots are a group of people in Ireland descending from Scots (mostly from the Lowlands) who emigrated to Ulster, Ireland.

Not exactly; the Ulster-Scots are a group of people in Ireland descending from Scots (mostly from the Lowlands) who emigrated to Ulster, Ireland.

Sorry don't want to appear thick but I got a phrase book when I was in Ulster and the spelling seems to be the same, is it a dialect or a completely different language?
Do you thing I should start a new thread for people to explain this?
I'm English and don't want to start a whole argument since it seems to be a touchy subject in Ulster :rolleyes:

Sorry don’t want to appear thick but I got a phrase book when I was in Ulster and the spelling seems to be the same, is it a dialect or a completely different language?
Scots-English is a dialect of English, as is Ulster-Scots, and although they’re very similar, there’s wee differences here abouts.

Confusingly, both dialects are often just called ‘Scots’.

How many of those jokes do you understand?
A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
:D_________________________

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
:confused:_________________________

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
No idea_________________________

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
:)_________________________

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
:)_________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
:rolleyes:_________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
I don't get this, but I am probably just too young for this one
_________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
Great_________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
:D_________________________

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
No idea, then again, I am probably too young
_________________________

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
I think I get this one__________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
And all it takes is a hurracain to take it out again :)_________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
:p_________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
Awsome_________________________

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
:D_________________________

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
:confused:___________________________

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
No idea, is there a fair in Augest in Glascow?___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
Get it___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'
Funny___________________________

13/19, not bad. (Canadian)

No idea, then again, I am probably too young

dark tan yin

while I can only guess what a 'Dark Tan Yin' is.
The Three Musketeers was written by Alexandre Dumas and D'Artagnon is one of the Muskateers.

(it's one you have to say out loud to get the joke.)

some are funny, i understand all of them.
Good thread, i'd like to see more jokes.
But some of them are just.....erugh:D

How many of those jokes do you understand?


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
____________________________
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
___________________________

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
___________________________

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
___________________________

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
___________________________

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
___________________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
___________________________

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
___________________________

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'

I understood only a few of them...

A man walks into a Glasgow bakery. He points to a cake on display and asks the baker "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?" To which the baker replies, "No, you're right."

:confused:

How did you miss that? It's a plain "You're an idiot" joke. He didn't put any money in their fancy foreign phone booth.

EDIT: Now that I read some of the front page, it apparently has something to do with Scottish slang, but it can easily be interpreted as I stated and still work. That's the kind of jokes idiots tell in American -_-

How many of those jokes do you understand?

Lemme try how wrong can I get... :)

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'

She's shaking from the top of her head to her knickers?

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.

That's an offer (for planting the antlers on the shop owner's head, ie screwing his wife)?

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies

And what's on the tart?

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies

Money=honey?

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

..like a dove

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.

Just you one?

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'

"Tie one"

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

Word play on "unending"?

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'

Also in Polish: "Jasne, jasne..." ("Sure, sure...") is almost always used to express derisive disbelief.

:D

Classics!


‘Ringing’, as in ‘soaking wet’.


‘Comfy’ could also be misinterpreted as ‘Come fae?’, i.e., ‘Where do you come from’ in Glaswegian.

Most of the jokes listed are about the Weegie patter, such as:


‘Is there money in the box?’ could be misinterpreted as ‘Is there moaney (Glaswegian: ‘many’) in the box?’.

Or:


‘Doo’ is a Scottish word for ‘Pigeon’.

Or:


‘Piston broke’ = ‘Pissed and broke’.

Etc.

Goan yersel pal!


EDIT: Are you from Castlemilk, NC?

I did come from Castlemilk........but am now Living in London.

Have you heard the one about the woman who goes into the Bakers and asks "is that a cream doughnut or a merangue?

"Naw Hen", the assistant says, "Your right, it is a cream doughnut"





Well, the old ones are immortal!!!

A man walks into a Glasgow bakery. He points to a cake on display and asks the baker "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?" To which the baker replies, "No, you're right."



Have you heard the one about the woman who goes into the Bakers and asks "is that a cream doughnut or a merangue?

"Naw Hen", the assistant says, "Your right, it is a cream doughnut"

No you're both wrong its;

A woman walks into a bakers shop and points at an item asking, "Is this a doughnut or a Meringue?" And the shop assistant say "No you're right enough, its a doughnut"

You have to say it like that because otherwise the rhythm of the joke is broken up (try saying all three of them and you'll see what I mean lol)


And also those other jokes were amazing, Im proud to say I got all of them except for the musketeers one which was more a literary joke than a scottish one, though it did feature scottish vernacular!

Lemme try how wrong can I get... :)


She's shaking from the top of her head to her knickers?

Nope - shes wet from her head to her knickers....:)


That's an offer (for planting the antlers on the shop owner's head, ie screwing his wife)?

Nope - affa dear = awful dear = very expensive


Money=honey?

Money in London accent (apparently) sounds like 'Mony' which is Scottish for 'Many' ie 'Is there many of you in the phone box?'


..like a dove

Pigeon actually


Word play on "unending"?

Aw needing = All needing as in all needing the toilet.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
___________________________

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
___________________________

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
___________________________

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'
????????

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
____________________________
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________
While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________
While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'Nebraskan, and understood these.

Qué? No comprende...

Nope - shes wet from her head to her knickers....:)



Nope - affa dear = awful dear = very expensive



Money in London accent (apparently) sounds like 'Mony' which is Scottish for 'Many' ie 'Is there many of you in the phone box?'




Pigeon actually




Aw needing = All needing as in all needing the toilet.
Actually, it's from an old TV drama called "The Onedin Line"....get it?

thanks nova, i needed that :D

No you're both wrong its;

A woman walks into a bakers shop and points at an item asking, "Is this a doughnut or a Meringue?" And the shop assistant say "No you're right enough, its a doughnut"

You have to say it like that because otherwise the rhythm of the joke is broken up (try saying all three of them and you'll see what I mean lol)


And also those other jokes were amazing, Im proud to say I got all of them except for the musketeers one which was more a literary joke than a scottish one, though it did feature scottish vernacular!

i think cosmopole's works best. the joke doesn't need the explaination at the end. it spoils it.

How many of those jokes do you understand?


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.' Nope, unless 'ringing' means 'dripping'.
____________________________
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
___________________________

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
___________________________

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy. Not a clue for those three
___________________________

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies What is the tart in
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.Kuwait
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
___________________________

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu. None of those
___________________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.' How are these three even scottish? Very straightforward.
___________________________

[quote]What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d. I lack the keystone to unlock the punchline. Obviously a 'wee fly bastard' has some relevance in the scottish vernacular.
___________________________

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line. Unless I am missing something, this is painfully forced and stupid.
___________________________

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'No, no and no.

All up that is 5 or 6 out of 19. A resounding fail.

How many of those jokes do you understand?


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
____________________________
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
___________________________

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
___________________________

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
___________________________

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
___________________________

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
___________________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
___________________________

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
___________________________

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'


I bolded the ones I got. I think I got the bus driver one, but I need clarification, as I'm not completely sure. I'm guessing the driver thought he was talking about a fair, and that he'd take the first two weeks in August off if he missed it.

How many of those jokes do you understand?


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
____________________________
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
___________________________

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
___________________________

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
___________________________

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
___________________________

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
___________________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
___________________________

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
___________________________

While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'

I understand all of them, but they aren't funny...:(

I'm guessing the driver thought he was talking about a fair, and that he'd take the first two weeks in August off if he missed it.
Close enough. The implication is that he might not get the holiday time that he has asked for (i.e. Glasgow fair) and that, if it's not possible for him to have Glasgow fair off, he'd like the first 2 weeks of August off as a holiday instead.

A man walks into a Glasgow bakery. He points to a cake on display and asks the baker "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?" To which the baker replies, "No, you're right."

Some of them I have to say outloud to get. Still, funny.

Here's a more recent joke.

Why is it so difficult to park a flamin car at Glasgow Airport?

Just ask John Smeaton.

haha...I had trouble understanding a few...but my girlfriends from Wick in the Highlands and explained the more obscure ones hahaha ;)

I bolded the ones I got.
But you didn't get "What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? -- Oor Wullie."? That's "our willy".

Why is it so difficult to park a flamin car at Glasgow Airport?

Just ask John Smeaton.
That’s a poor one.

I think it’s fucking abhorrent that society is rewarding a person who’s only claim to fame is that he beat a man who was on fire.

Folk act as if what Mr. Smeaton did was somehow courageous, brave or noble.

I just love the fact that the recent C4 "Dispatches" documentary on youth violence and gang culture had to subtitle the Glaswegians interviewed to render them comprehensible. Priceless.:D

I just love the fact that the recent C4 “Dispatches” documentary on youth violence and gang culture had to subtitle the Glaswegians interviewed to render them comprehensible. Priceless.:D
They also subtitled Chewin’ The Fat and Still Game, I believe.

And we all know what Glasgow is like (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry17Kbgern8)...

haha...I had trouble understanding a few...but my girlfriends from Wick in the Highlands and explained the more obscure ones hahaha ;)

Tell her she's a teuchter. You'll get a rare laugh.

To all out there who are having difficulty understanding the OP jokes, I suggest and recommend this:
http://www.firstfoot.com/scottish_dictionary/glossword/index.php

scottish vernacular dictionary. The Noo.

They also subtitled Chewin’ The Fat and Still Game, I believe.

And we all know what Glasgow is like (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry17Kbgern8)...

Yes they did. But in "Rab C. Nesbit", they also subtitled English back into Glaswegian.

But you didn't get "What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? -- Oor Wullie."? That's "our willy".

No. Should I have?

They have two of some things, but only one... Oh never mind....

That’s a poor one.

I think it’s fucking abhorrent that society is rewarding a person who’s only claim to fame is that he beat a man who was on fire.

Folk act as if what Mr. Smeaton did was somehow courageous, brave or noble.

I know it's quite ironic really, mind you it was noble from a Glaswegian point of view, but yeah questionable intention. And really funny too.

I know it's quite ironic really, mind you it was noble from a Glaswegian point of view, but yeah questionable intention. And really funny too.

Actually, from my Glaswegian point of view; ol' Smeato was quite an embarassment. I nearly barfed when I saw him on TV. "He wis kikkin ra Polis, an ahh thoat, a'hm no hivin that, so ah Battered um intae the grun, n' gied um a good kikkin".....or words to that effect.

How many of those jokes do you understand?


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
____________________________

A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
___________________________

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
___________________________

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
___________________________

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
___________________________

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
___________________________

While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
___________________________

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
___________________________

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
___________________________

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
___________________________

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
___________________________

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
___________________________

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
___________________________

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he
spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'

I got all those.
I'm South African, of English and (distant) Scottish decent.

Tell her she's a teuchter. You'll get a rare laugh.

haha...I did...and she did...I gather it means something like a hick from the sticks ;)

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.



That makes no sense. (http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/9877/robertarkinislameex4.png)

That makes no sense. (http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/9877/robertarkinislameex4.png)

They share a penis.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie


They share a penis.

I think the humour in the 'Siamese Twins naming their autobiagraphy Oor Wullie' derives from three things;

Firstly, 'Oor Wullie' is the Scottish pronunciation of 'Our Willy'

Secondly, as Siamese Twins they most likely share a great deal of body parts and could therefore share a willy.

and Thirdly, there is a comic book character in Scotland called 'Oor Wullie' so the joke is really wordplay on that characters name. This is, I think, the reason so many of you were failing to get the joke. Making this perhaps the most truly 'Scottish' of all the jokes listed - as only Scottish people are likely to truly get the reference.

Hopefully this helps people to get the joke!

haha...I did...and she did...I gather it means something like a hick from the sticks ;)
Indeed, though in particular a hick from the Highlands.