NationStates Jolt Archive

NS General needs some less serious discussions in here....

So here it is, design your own obituary, be as creative or serious as you like, but put some thought into it.

P.S. If you think this is morbid, it is, but no one said morbid was not fun. :D

Der Fuhrer Dyszel, 98 and half for the past four years, was declared dead today after having been found handcuffed with pink fuzzy cuffs to the steering wheel of a Chinese food delivery car while wearing nothing but her birthday suit. After an extensive autopsy, cause of death was determined to have poisioning from antifreeze. Witnesses state this had arisen from the fact that DFD drank a gallon of antifreeze in an hour because she heard it was impossible to do so and wanted to prove them wrong.

DFD lived an impressive life. At age 55, she made the local papers by rescueing a small bag of chocolate bars from a burning building for a little kid who left them in his room. The child later cried that they were melted and DFD took the bag of chocolates and threw them back into the burning building.

At age 68, DFD also made it in the papers for running naked down the street after a young man who broke into her house while she was showering to steal her purse. Suffice to say, the young man, Ancelt of age 26, was found comatose when the police arrived and DFD had to be removed from the man's unconscious body as she continued to beat him with her purse cursing incoherently about how he will respect his elders.

But that was not enough for the life of our beloved DFD, at age 74, 81, 86, and 92 she also made the papers for similiar cases of youngsters believing they could finally "beat the old hag." All youngsters were found comatose on the side of the street with injuries ranging from mild to severe and DFD standing victorius with her purse in hand.

The life of DFD has been filled with one of awe and amazement to the elderly community and lately a crime rate has dropped with elderly purse snatches as many are fighting back. DFD has contributed much to the community in her ripe old age.

Funeral services will be held 7 pm until you drop this coming Monday at DFD's house. All are welcome to attend the kegger she entrusted her family to throw at her death. It also to be noted: Free beer!


:D

Hahahaha, I love yours!

I'll post mine up in the morning!

Gauthier: If you're reading this, then you are truly bored and alone in the universe. Go find someone to spend your life with, seriously. Do you want this to be your obituary? Come on, there's still hope for you yet!

January 17, 20XX

The world was saddened today by the news that NERVUN had been discovered sprawled dead across his desk. Leaving us at the young age of 32, officials attributed his death to overwork, he having been found face down in a pile to still to be graded assignments, lesson plans, blueprints for the next generation of Evangelions, two chinchillas needing emergency heart surgeries, the half written next great American novel, the half drawn next great Japanese manga, a small portable cold fusion generator that was nearing completion, and a half eaten pizza. The last was confiscated by police as evidence and eaten to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands.

Suicide has not been ruled out due to the maniacal grin on NERVUN's face and the hastily written note that proclaimed, "I'll be back!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!".

NERVUN will primarily be remembered as that weird teacher who spent a lot of his time complaining about zombies.

January 18, 20XX

In a shocking turn of events, NERVUN, who was discovered dead yesterday, has returned as a zombie. His students report that his classes are pretty much the same, except with more calls for brains.

Mars Colony Six - 3457

The system's oldest Cyborg, Gartref of Cydonia, passed away early yesterday. He is survived by his pleasure-bots; Keira, Gwyneth and Milla. Services will be held Tuesday at the Shaky's Pizza Parlor on Heinlein Avenue.

In a tragedy today that has not shocked people around the world, Hamilay, 80, was found dead of reasonably common and mundane natural causes. The recently retired worker of some kind was sent at a sedate and stately pace to hospital after suffering chest pains, and passed away unobtrusively in his hospital bed by the next morning. Tributes have not flown in from the local community and around the country over his death.

"Oh... yeah, that guy on Floor 519 slash alpha. Didn't know him. Sorry for the family." said local resident John Brown, whilst reading the holonewspaper. "Uh, have you got anything else to ask me, or can I get back to the sports now?"

Neighbour and not-close acquaintance Jane Doe also did not wish to pay her respects. "I can assure the family and robotic servants of Mr. Hamilay that my thoughts and prayers are not with them whatsoever in their troubled time."

The death of Hamilay has been enough of a non-world event as to even not cause comment from national leaders. American Empress and leader of the United Free Nations v2.10 Barbara I spoke to the media on the tragedy recently.

"It has recently come to my attention that I have absolutely no knowledge of someone dying in our great 65th state of Oceanic Australia, and I speak for all the Austro-American people when I say that this is completely uninteresting and irrelevant."

Hamilay's boring possessions, including his white JapanCorp hoversedan and home in Room 195414 in Arcology Six-Theta will be left to his clone descendants.

The man leaves behind an impressive lifelong legacy of being unimportant and not making any discoveries at some megacorporation or other. The funeral is expected to be attended by enormous crowds of noone whatsoever.

:D I love it!

Mars Colony Six - 3457

The system's oldest Cyborg, Gartref of Cydonia, passed away early yesterday. He is survived by his pleasure-bots; Keira, Gwyneth and Milla. Services will be held Tuesday at the Shaky's Pizza Parlor on Heinlein Avenue.

Hah! That's the stuff. :p

Since I lack creativity, I must steal someone else's material:

"He's not pining, he's passed on. He is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He is a late person. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed him to his computer chair, he would be pushing up the daisies. His metabolic processes are now of interest only to historians! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-person!"

Either that, or, assuming that the newspapers of the future carry video and surround sound, the ending sequence/song to Life of Brian (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo).

Sally Tomato was found in her cell this morning, face down in a pile of her own vomit, which resembled that of spaetzel floating in beer. :upyours:

Ms. Tomato will undergo an autopsy later today to verify cause of death to be bludgeoning her solarplexes with a table leg.

She is survived and last seen by her only acquantance who visited her every week to receive the weather report. She prefers to go unnamed.

Services will be held at the Speakeasy on 73rd St. Hamilton Bartholemew officiating.

Noted businessman Vetalia was reintegrated in to Central System IV for the fifth time yesterday, apparently because he felt that the biological world was, in his own words "simply unable to play Starcraft as well as the AI Guild, even you, Jovian Korea". Given that his previous lives have been exhaustedly covered in the most recent edition of his autobiography My Lives, the newest chapter will be provided for free to all members of the Vetalia Forum possessing a verified Polysoft neural interface chip, Service Pack 2 or later.

His last words, this time, were "Could somebody please make sure that I get a good reality simulator this time? I swear, 399 years later and I'm still getting hassled for a lousy framerate. How the hell am I going to play Half Life 39, huh?" Upon being uploaded, he spammed most of the solar system's hardware developers with complaints regarding the quality of said reality simulator. In addition, he has managed to achieve the lowest point rating in Slashdot history within fifteen minutes of his uploading, currently at -2^39 and still dropping.

As he has exceeded the number of deaths currently exempted from the estate tax, his current estate will be mostly auctioned off at a closed session on Monday. Of particular interest will be his collection of scandalous Mersenne Prime love notes to various AIs across the solar system, as well as signed first-edition copy of Dr. Sbaitso: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bots, the scandalous 2198 biography written by notorious Vetalia-watcher Mills Yang. As Mr. Mills was unfortunately lost in a rogue event-horizon accident several years ago, the book is currently worth around 39.3 million credits.

Vetalia plans to return to Earth in 90 years, as 4D-Realms has promised that Duke Nukem Forever will be out of beta testing by this point. In this regard, CEO GLaDOS is not optimistic, saying "We are not out of beta, and we are not releasing on time. I'm not GLaD that our stock price has been so savagely burned in the last quarter." To this date, she denies having anything to do with Vetalia's successful cornering of the baked goods market in 2029 and has routinely denies that their ongoing relationship is anything more than "a business partnership".

They thought they laid me down to sleep.
They prayed the Lord my soul would keep.
Now that I'm dead and still awake,
I think I'll bake a nice Brain Cake.

:)

They thought they laid me down to sleep.
They prayed the Lord my soul would keep.
Now that I'm dead and still awake,
I think I'll bake a nice Brain Cake.

:)

*arranges for LG's cremation*

Glorious news! Yesterday, the 829th day after the Apocalypse, Laerod, better known as 'He Who brings Final Rest with a Paddle', was killed while fighting our brethren of the Emerald Isle horde. While escaping from our shambling comrades in County Clare, he and the others in the armored van they were driving were forced off a cliff into the Atlantic ocean. Although no bodies were found, all passengers are presumed dead, as various pieces of equipment and clothing have washed ashore, most notable the infamous paddle and green Beck's jacket Laerod would often wear into battle.

Laerod is best known for his escapades in the Manhattan Raid, which resulted in countless of our brethren put to final rest, as well as the rescue of vital medical supplies that unnecessarily prolonged the downfall of the living. Notable is also the Munich Looting Run, where Laerod and several others made a stand at the Hofbräuhaus, after a botched operation aimed at liberating supplies of Bavarian brew, which ended with a successful evacuation by helicopter.

This threat to Zombie-dom will not be missed, though his brain is a terrible thing to waste.

In other news Mc Pimp god is found dead on his swanky new pimp hq this morning. Prostitutes report Mc Pimp had invited 1million girls into his private sex arena in hopes of achieving the world's biggest orgy. Investigators arrive at the scene to find 1 million girls unconscious and a thin layer of Semen covers the entire room. Upon closer inspection the body of Mc Pimp god was found dead on top of the only bed in the 200x400 m room on top of 300 girls lacking a penis. Prostitutes report they heard a large explosion at 12 mid night that rocked the entire building. Clean up and burial services will commence as soon as all the officers on duty are done fucking the 1 million horny girls at the site.
It is to be noted that orgasms are occurring everywhere else in the UGL.

I made a thread like this ages ago. :(
Still, nothing's original. :)

I love yours, Vetalia. :D

Neo Bretonnia, husband and father of an undetermined number of children, was found today in his home near Denver, CO. of an apprent deep wound inflicted by a "sword, or other large bladed weapon," said Steve. E. Nix, county coroner. It is unknown at this time the exact cause of death nor who the list of possible suspects are, but authorities will be polling local medieval reenactment groups and Dungeons & Dragons clubs searching for what has been described as a "person of interest."

Neo Bretonnia was originally born just outside of Washington DC and has been described as "the main reason people should use Trojan brand condoms." He went to school at a small Catholic primary/middle school before moving onto public high school after an unfortunate incident involving the school principal (a nun), a pair of pantyhose, and an unspecified number of small reptiles.

He completed high school despite the largest record of trancy in county history and pioneered the "learn from home" project, despite its failure due to a lack of actual learning. At this time he also pioneered "bench basketball" and "no holds barred wargaming."

We went to college at the University of Maryland but failed to graduate at first and instead chose to learn to fix cars. He has been quoted as saying "my first car inspired me to take this career path." This has been suggested as clear proof of his refusal to actually drive a car that ran.

He became a father early, and chose not to grow up citing "incompatibility issues" with adult life. His military career was short and undistinguished, but led to several major policy changes within the United States Air force, especially in the area of issues related to fraternization and proper storage of hand tools. His attempt to alter the color scheme of the 16th tactical fighter squadron aircaft to include lime green vertical stabilizers also met with defeat.

Eventually, he switched from fixing cars and jet fighters to programming computers because repeated failures at local singles bars were attributed to gear oil under his fingernails.

Finally, he set on bio-medical research, his personal goal being to find a way to conceive through anal sex. "He was in it for the money." Says Ron Jeremy, close personal friend and lovelife advisor. "He wanted to find a way to get rich in the most bizarre and off-the-wall technique possible. I tried to teach him a better way but he insisted his spine wasn't that flexible."

He leaves behind a wife, 5 children and a Mexican Redknee Tarantula.

I won't have an obituary, since when I de there won't be any other humans left to read it. I will however leave some print-outs of 4chan/b/ threads to show any future sapient life that evolves on or travels to earth what we humans were really like.

And then the remnants of humanity later on will wonder why every sentient lifeform in existence hates them.

I expect we'll become the demons of their religions and mythologies. :)

I won't have an obituary, since when I de there won't be any other humans left to read it. I will however leave some print-outs of 4chan/b/ threads to show any future sapient life that evolves on or travels to earth what we humans were really like.

And then the remnants of humanity later on will wonder why every sentient lifeform in existence hates them.

Vojvodina-Nihon died. Grav-car for sale.

January 19th, 12000, 3AM

The Great Leader of the Interplanetary Empire, Fergi America, who has ruled the Earth and its subject planets since antiquity, was found expired at her desk today.

Her illustrious life includes discovering the secret to the elimination of all the negative affects of aging (via genetic engineering), which allowed the Earth's original population of a mere 6 billion humans to swell to its current size of 100 Googol people, and spread itself over more than 17323 other planets. Complaints about "cultural imperialism," "environmental destruction," and the like were quashed by the Leader's vaunted unstoppable military, for the further progress of humankind.

Other achievements include her hacking of the Matrix, which some tried to say wasn't so great of a thing, but those people were deleted. Therefore everyone soon agreed that Ms. Fergi America's monopoly on being able to warp up huge a drone-like military force on demand was a very good thing after all. We are sure to miss the ubiquitous Agents who have seemingly always been here to enforce the law, prevent crime of all types, and ensure that not even a peep of dissent was made. Already people are responding to the lack of Agency police capacity in a manner formerly only known about from studies of ancient history: By wildly looting.

Her Capitalistic policies enabled the Empire to enjoy huge economic prosperity across all planets, while the environmental issues of antiquity were made moot by a combination of the ability to just colonize new planets, and the use of the Secret Service.

On the other hand, the allowance of a few "public" programs increased standards of living for the poorer regions of the Empire. Health programs proved especially beneficial to both desertified and jungle areas of the Planets of the Empire. The problem of mind-destroying drugs was also eliminated by the forced genetic recoding of the entire Imperial populace, which made it so certain substances would simply have zero mental effects.

The Leader was most proud of her development of the Helmet of Education, which allowed wearers to "download" their education via a link in a special helmet, rather than having to attend schools. She considered forcing people into schools to be an unforgivable theft of years of their life, as well as an act of cruel barbarity which forced innocent children into close quarters with untamed, NONinnocent bullies and other types of underage scum. Therefore finding another way to educate people while they were still at a young age was a paramount project of the Government, which distributed its first Helmets of Education only 10 years after the beginning of the Reign.

Her unending government subsidies towards video game development, while very popular, may have proved to be what brought an end to the Reign of Ten Millenia. The Leader was found slumped over her desk, dead, with the latest version of Universal Conquest playing on the ImmersoTron. It seems that she had not remembered to attend to reality in approximately 30 days, which was too much for even her genetically-enhanced body's abilities to go without food, rest or even water.

An autopsy on her dessicated, wild-eyed corpse indicated that there was indeed no foul play involved. It is not known for sure why she did not hook herself up to the Gamer's Life-Preservation System (a system for providing food and water, and removing wastes) for her gaming session, but it is speculated that, like so many ImmersoTron addicts, she simply rushed to get into the game without taking the time.

UPDATE, Jan 19, 12000, 4AM: In other news, massive civil war has erupted across all the planets of the Empire as various factions now fight for a piece of the territory.

An obituary would be superfluous, as I plan to become immortal.

This reminds me of a wierd dream i had where i was surrounded by zombies, then i decided to hide from the Zombies by going to circus, (you know those fold out truck things? old fashioned like Gypsy cart-things), i hid in one of those got out and then saw three vampires, i charged at them downhill to a sort of stone henge arrangement of rocks....that was it.
uh anyway cos you said this wasn't supposed to be serious i thought i could put that in, um(and i haven't played any undead style games or watched those sort of movies in months).
Um i think it's sort of relevant.

At 4:24 in the morning, police in Philadelphia discovered the body of Wawavia, half-submerged in a kiddie pool full chocolate pudding, surrounded by sleeping female college soccer players. He was 97.

Publicized throughout his life for his stance on Gatorade ("Damn good!") and STDs ("Damn."), Wawavia had slipped into relative anonymity in recent years past, allowing him to pursue his two greatest passions in life: Major League Baseball and sex. After leaving the country he founded for a modest one bathroom, eight bedroom apartment in Philadelphia to live with eight female roommates, he penned several articles for the Philadelphia Inquirer on both subjects, most notably "GAVIN FLOYD HAS NO CHANCE, BALLS" (Aug. 2005).

He leaves behind seven ex-wives, fourty grandchildren, and twelve great grandchildren. Funeral arrangements are private, and taken care of by the Hell's Angels. Donations should be made to the American Cancer Society.

In other news the brilliant and eccentric TeliUmbrarum was found on the ceiling of grand central station today. Apparently he was held there by sixty-two custom made silver epees impaled through his body. His ex-girlfriend is quoted as saying, "Whoever did this had better burn him and launch the ashes into the sun 'cause he'll come back and when he does he'll be pissed. Hahahahaha!" She is currently undergoing psychological evaluation at the office of a respected government psychiatrist. Burial services will commence at three am, Friday the thirteenth at the local cult warehouse.

I will however leave some print-outs of 4chan/b/ threads to show any future sapient life that evolves on or travels to earth what we humans were really like.

I must have missed theese but interested. Can I find them in a search?

Oh, and I can't decide if this is sick or creative.

I won't have an obituary, since when I de there won't be any other humans left to read it. I will however leave some print-outs of 4chan/b/ threads to show any future sapient life that evolves on or travels to earth what we humans were really like.Hey, zombies wrote mine...

I don't care about my obit, as long as my gravestone says, in tiny letters: If you can read this, you're standing on my grave, you bastard.

Music at the funeral is also important. I think 'Going Underground' would be a good choice.

I will have no written obituary. Instead, tales of my achievements will be told by travelling bards in nomad camps upon glassy plains, or in settlements high in the mountains, which nuclear fallout did not reach: Between the time when the oceans drank Atlanta, and the nuclear winter, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Vespertilia, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!

:D

Vojvodina-Nihon died. Grav-car for sale.

:eek:

MY CAR!!

Gravlen
*unintelligible*-2025, 2027-2031, 2057-2062, 2062-2167 and 2168-2173

I've died and gone yet awareness I keep,
down this dark road I travel full of heat.
I've been told the dead forever sleep,
yet winged forms come at me in a fleet.

Why did the light disappear,
from these eyes so full of love?
I find it will reappear,
as though hidden in a cove.

I've riddled and I've rhymed,
Yet now I serve my time.
Up above, where the light has climbed.
- Warhaven, ???? - ?????

August 13, 20XX - Johnny B Goode of the band Explosion was found dead today on stage at his bass, having playing a 2-hour jam version of the 1970s hard rock song "Working Man". His brother, the guitarist, also died during the jam, leaving only the drummer to play a 20-minute solo. Fans were recording the jam on their holocameras and the videos will soon be playing on computers across the globe. An autopsy confirms that he died of both spinal damage from prolonged headbanging, pulled all the muscles in his fretting hand, and snapped his wrist from speed-picking. "It was so sad," says his wife, "but he went out in a blaze of glory" Interestingly enough, both she and her late husband still look like they are in their 20s. He is throwing a party at his funeral and has recorded a version of "Free Bird" to be played there. He leaves his estate to his wife and family.

I've died and gone yet awareness I keep,
down this dark road I travel full of heat.
I've been told the dead forever sleep,
yet winged forms come at me in a fleet.

Why did the light disappear,
from these eyes so full of love?
I find it will reappear,
as though hidden in a cove.

I've riddled and I've rhymed,
Yet now I serve my time.
Up above, where the light has climbed.
- Warhaven, ???? - ?????

that's pretty good, better than mine.:)

that's pretty good, better than mine.:)

Thank you.

---------------
In a dream I dreamt a horrible fright,
Zombies chased me in the night.
I ran and I ran, and I ran some more, till a circus I came upon, hid me from the zombies from before.

In a gypsies cart I hid, when the fortune-teller told me my death was morbid.
I left and to my surprise, Three Vampires downhill awaiting me before sunrise.
I charged determined I would not die, my fortune would be a lie, yet their dark magics they did work, to bind me in ever lasting living death, a sheep to feed them without a fork.

Here stands Mad Hatters in Jeans, a part of Stonehenge
???? - till dooms triumph doth sound.
-----------------

How does that work for you?
*read your post up above*

Thank you.

---------------
In a dream I dreamt a horrible fright,
Zombies chased me in the night.
I ran and I ran, and I ran some more, till a circus I came upon, hid me from the zombies from before.

In a gypsies cart I hid, when the fortune-teller told me my death was morbid.
I left and to my surprise, Three Vampires downhill awaiting me before sunrise.
I charged determined I would not die, my fortune would be a lie, yet their dark magics they did work, to bind me in ever lasting living death, a sheep to feed them without a fork.

Here stands Mad Hatters in Jeans, a part of Stonehenge
???? - till dooms triumph doth sound.
-----------------

How does that work for you?
*read your post up above*

That's good, it'l do for me, the part i don't quite understand is the bit with "a sheep to feed them without a fork". thanks that made me laugh.:)

That's good, it'l do for me, the part i don't quite understand is the bit with "a sheep to feed them without a fork". thanks that made me laugh.:)

Vampires have fangs and suck blood, they do not need forks for their meat. In other words, you died, living flesh entombed in stone. your body works, but you, the part that makes you, you, is dead, your mind, your spirit was pulled from your body.

Basically, all they have to do is cast a second spell, pull your body from stonehenge, drink their fill, and put you back to refill your blood until they want more.

Vampires have fangs and suck blood, they do not need forks for their meat. In other words, you died, living flesh entombed in stone. your body works, but you, the part that makes you, you, is dead, your mind, your spirit was pulled from your body.

Basically, all they have to do is cast a second spell, pull your body from stonehenge, drink their fill, and put you back to refill your blood until they want more.

Sounds good to me. was a really wierd dream, no shortage of those

Colonel Faulkner Bolol, commander of the N.U.N. Expeditionary Marines and a loving husband, was found dead yesterday evening at the age of XX in the streets of New St. Petersburg, Russian Republic, apparently from multiple plasma wounds.

Faulkner Bolol was a key player in many political events. In addition to being the first American officer to join the newly strengthened World Government, he was also requested to form a fast-response force to deal with global threats. In 20XX, with the assistance of officers stretching from America to Japan, he formed the 1st Special Engagement Regiment, also known as the Expeditionary Marines, a 500-man multinational special forces unit renowned for its flexibility, technical skill and combat prowess. The unit's first assignment during the US Prison Crisis in 20XX ended with minimal casualties: the opposing force surrendered shortly after its first engagement with the "X-Marines".

Bolol was also a skilled diplomat, assisting in pushing through global laws and reforms in military spending, tech-development, treatment of prisoners and rules of engagement. He was present at negotiations between North and South Korea in 20XX as well as peace talks in the Balkans, Northern Africa and South America. After service during the Machine Wars of 20XX, he helped push through legislation to outlaw development of sentient artificial intelligence in the future.

After XX years of service in the N.U.N., he retired at the age of XX to private life. He spent his last years in the background, occasionally making rounds to give lectures and endorsements.

The circumstances behind the Colonel's death are unclear. The plasma burns on his chest are indicative of weapons used by the Machine armies. He was found holding his custom sidearm with the words "F***in' A!" engraved into the slide in his right hand. Several rounds were discharged. An investigation has been launched by the N.U.N. Special Police Service into the matter.

The colonel died without children. His will stated that his 5000-book Manga collection is to be donated to the New York Public library.

----

Dude...I just made up a new storyline for a sci-fi! Better get to work! :D

I expect we'll become the demons of their religions and mythologies. :)

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/Thread.jpg
*oh, and b.u.m.p.
there's some quite funny stuff on this thread* :)

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/Thread.jpg
*oh, and b.u.m.p.
there's some quite funny stuff on this thread* :)

I notice that's not officially certified by Straughn.

I notice that's not officially certified by Straughn.

If i gave the limp-wristed action of "i'm on flu meds", would you buy it?
*serious*

If i gave the limp-wristed action of "i'm on flu meds", would you buy it?
*serious*

Yeah...

I'm just happy I had this strain of flu last year, so I should be pretty well off until next year (I'm getting that damn flu shot).

Yeah...

I'm just happy I had this strain of flu last year, so I should be pretty well off until next year (I'm getting that damn flu shot).
I usually don't have to take medicine for *anything* ... other than, of course, those infamous incidences in the Anecdote threads. :p

I got it from wifey, who got it from sissy. :(

I get noticably sick approximately once a year. I feel like crap a few more days out of the year, but it usually doesn't interfere much with what i need/want to do.
This one was *powerful*.

Lord Tothe has suffered a sudden existence failure. Apparently, he died 10 years ago, but it took this long for the Grim Reaper to summon the courage to do his job. When the Reaper took the tiny shreds of wrath that composed the soul of Lord Tothe, he immediately underwent a rapid decomposition and this ignited his entire region into a massive fireball. All nearby nations will suffer greatly from the environmental devastation. That bastard managed to wreak more havoc in death than he did in life. He would be proud.

Dude...I just made up a new storyline for a sci-fi! Better get to work! :DYeah, well...

...I have a flag for mine!

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a205/ulteriormotives/NorthAtlanticAlliance.png

That is awesome.

Infamous lottery winner Maraque has died. He was 128.

Maraque, most known for his record breaking lottery win in the New York Mega Millions, was found hanging from a chandelier wearing a spacesuit and a moose antler sticking out of his face.

He leaves behind three children; Tanner, 114, Hannah, 103, and Reinhold, 101. His husband of 107 years passed away last year.

Maraque was born in Munich, Germany, on March 21, 1988 to a German mother and an American father serving his country in Germany. They moved to the United States in 1990 and gave Maraque up for adoption in Rochester, New York.

Just before Maraque’s second birthday he was adopted by a couple from Long Island, New York. He would remain there for the next 19 years of his life until he moved out west to New York City, eventually settling in Manhattan.

Soon after moving to Manhattan, Maraque ran into financial trouble over the next 12 months, sometimes going without food for two weeks, until he got his big break when he won the largest lottery in American history; a $720,000,000 lump sum after taxes.

Maraque’s life would forever be the brunt of many jokes as his new found wealth made him notorious all across the world, most notably for his fleet of two dozen pink Rolls Royce Phantoms with gold rims, which he said were bought because he is a “true pimp.”

In 2024 Maraque declared his intent to run for office of the President of the United States. His campaign was largely thought to be a joke, but it soon materialized into a well established and serious campaign. Maraque, running under the Pimpin’ It party, won every state primary except Wyoming, which went to his main rival Lunatic Goofballs.

Just moments after his inaugural address, he was hit in the head by a mud pie and died on the spot. Fortunately he came back as a zombie, and was immensely popular during his first term, known as “That Gay Crippled Black Zombie Who Just Happens to Be President.” He brought peace to the Middle East, and declared himself Awesome.

After finishing up his second term, he built a giant igloo in upstate New York loosely based off the National Igloo of Canada, and spent the rest of his days fishing and collecting moose antlers.

March 15, 2008

Ronald Huckleberry Kazam, most famous for his representation of client Ash Ketchum in a suit against the Church of Scientology, has died. He was found mauled by a bear and severly burned in his car at home. The death has been ruled an accidental drug overdose and he will be missed. He did not "ask too many questions" and there is absolutely nothing suspicious about his sudden death.

Jerusalem
June 12, 2108

Dr. Mirkana, famed American-Israeli astrophysicist and weapons designer, died today of natural causes at the age of 120.

Born and raised in the United States, Mirkana immigrated to Israel in 2011. In 2015 he invented the ansible, which had the effect of making all Israeli communications untappable. He subsequently negotiated the sale of the ansible to key Western nations at obscene prices, thus acquiring funding for his next project.

In 2018, Mirkana invented the Zero Point Energy Manipulator, aka the Gravity Gun. After fending off a copyright claim from Valve by giving them one, Mirkana orchestrated the weapon's deployment into the IDF. This has been credited as the chief cause of Israel's total victory in the 2019 Forty-Hour War, in which Israeli, Jordanian, Lebanese, and Palestinian forces steamrolled Syria and Hezbollah. Mirkana won the 2018 Nobel Prize in physics for his discoveries, as well as numerous accolades from Internet organizations for inventing the coolest weapon in the history of man.

Mirkana was ordained as a rabbi in 2025, thus become the first Nobel Laureate/rabbi in history. His book "The Light and the Dark" was credited with the overturning of Orthodox opposition to modern science, and the near-universal interpretation of "Let there be light" as a reference to the Big Bang.

During the Zombie Wars of 2040-2048, Mirkana distinguished himself at the Siege of Masada. He and five other people, armed only with gravity guns, fought off approximately thirty thousand zombies. After the battle, he declared "Physics Weapons: 30000, Bioweapons: 0." He later flung the inventor of the Zombie Virus into Mt. Etna with his gravity gun.

Mirkana's wife died a few years before he did. He is survived by his three children, eight grandchildren, and five great-grandchildren.

Irony Sucks
though.. since I'm a cheery sort of fellow..
Irony FTW!