NationStates Jolt Archive

Nothing at the moment, but I thought this would be appropriate to the thread.
http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/helpdesk_warning_sign.jpg



Ooops, sorry Smunk.

I am having a frustrating day, and have come upon a few key phrases I would like to shout at people, but I realize that it's neither socially responsible or even productive to do so.

I thought that in the interest of keeping whatever sanity I have left I would share them with you guys.

I am sure you can add your own.

my current phrases of choice

"your motherboard is NOT your hard drive, and you are stupid to argue with me about it"

"yes, your child is stupid, no I don't care"

"if I wanted to hear you talk, I would call you, now please, leave me alone"

anyone else frustrated and in need of a short rant?

I am having a frustrating day, and have come upon a few key phrases I would like to shout at people, but I realize that it's neither socially responsible or even productive to do so.

I thought that in the interest of keeping whatever sanity I have left I would share them with you guys.

I am sure you can add your own.

my current phrases of choice

"your motherboard is NOT your hard drive, and you are stupid to argue with me about it"

"yes, your child is stupid, no I don't care"

"if I wanted to hear you talk, I would call you, now please, leave me alone"

anyone else frustrated and in need of a short rant?

Heh I had a similar one this morning. A user using Citrix couldn't print to his local printer, so i told him to save any data to his c: drive, logout of Citrix and then print from his local PC.

He asked me where do I save this data then, I replied, well anywhere on your C: drive that you like really. So he asked, and then where do I open it up from to print it?

After two seconds of stunned silence, I could only advise him to remember the location to which he saves it!

At family gatherings:

In response to the "when are you going to have kids?" question: "Dunno, when are you going to die? You already are married, with kids, death seems like the next logical step. So when are you going to die?"

My father-in-law: "Yes, you're boring and overbearing. Leave me alone."

My mother: "Please just admit you don't like my wife. You're as transparent as cellophane (sp)"

At work, well, "Can you read?" is probably the chart topper.

I hope your cell phone comes to life and attacks your crotch! Now pay attention to the road, dipshit!

I actually say that, they just can't hear me. :(

I usually don't hold back. :) No problems here.

haha.

to people who keep asking me if I am going to "try again to get a boy": I tried twice NOT to have a boy, I succeeded with my two daughters, I am done succeeding.

I was told recently that I don't have a life because I don't hang out with medics outside of university classes. The fact that I spend all weekend hanging out at the dropzone and go to the pub, etc during the week seems to have no effect on this opinion of theirs. Why on Earth would I want to hang out with a bunch of medics who, with a few exceptions, have an unbelievable urge to talk about the course, or make medic 'jokes', when i'm done with work for the day.

I hope your cell phone comes to life and attacks your crotch! Now pay attention to the road, dipshit!

I actually say that, they just can't hear me. :(

Ooooh, this reminds me.
"Just because the turn for your estate is right there doesn't mean you can drive on the wrong side of the road, dumbass" and other occasionally angrier words to that affect. Usually angrier when they drive on the footpath instead of on the wrong side of the road. Idiots.

I hope your cell phone comes to life and attacks your crotch! Now pay attention to the road, dipshit!

I actually say that, they just can't hear me. :(

LMAO :D

I'm experiencing the wonder of public transportation these next couple of weeks. Some things I'd like to say:

"Would you mind taking a shower before you get on the bus?"

"Would you mind not standing with your ass to my face and farting?"

"I know you really aren't interested in the book I'm reading and just want to talk. But guess what? I'm fucking reading! Reading and talking don't work well together."


"You guys are still playing the flirty flirty game? You've been flirting since I started riding this bus a yar and a half ago. Fuck already!"


That's all for now.

Sometimes when I arrive to entertain at children's parties and I knock on the door I get greeted by the mother who sees me standing there in my full regalia. She looks me up and down and says, "Are you the clown?"

I usually say, "Yes."

Sometimes I say, "No, I'm the cable guy. Is your TV on the fritz?" if my first impression of them is that they can take a joke(I'm rarely wrong).

However, I think I might consider: "No, I'm Presidential Hopeful, Ron Paul. Will you vote for me?"

:D

'I love you'.

Yup it didn't get me out of that speeding ticket either ;)

Sometimes when I arrive to entertain at children's parties and I knock on the door I get greeted by the mother who sees me standing there in my full regalia. She looks me up and down and says, "Are you the clown?"

I usually say, "Yes."

Sometimes I say, "No, I'm the cable guy. Is your TV on the fritz?" if my first impression of them is that they can take a joke(I'm rarely wrong).

However, I think I might consider: "No, I'm Presidential Hopeful, Ron Paul. Will you vote for me?"

:D

Dooooo it! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT!

'I love you'.

"No, Future Mother-in-law, we are not engaged. Yes, we are sleeping together. Given that we've been living together for a year and a half, don't you think it's about time you stop making us sleep in separate rooms when we come to visit?"

Sometimes when I arrive to entertain at children's parties and I knock on the door I get greeted by the mother who sees me standing there in my full regalia. She looks me up and down and says, "Are you the clown?"

I usually say, "Yes."

Sometimes I say, "No, I'm the cable guy. Is your TV on the fritz?" if my first impression of them is that they can take a joke(I'm rarely wrong).

However, I think I might consider: "No, I'm Presidential Hopeful, Ron Paul. Will you vote for me?"

:D

When interviewing to get a clowning job, I was asked "do you like children?" and I answered "only if properly cured and cooked" and they looked at me like I had three heads.....then they kinda did the uncomfortable chuckle and said "you are joking right?" so I said "no". I have really no interest in hanging out with children who come from such boring parents.

I'm experiencing the wonder of public transportation these next couple of weeks. Some things I'd like to say:

"Would you mind taking a shower before you get on the bus?"

"Would you mind not standing with your ass to my face and farting?"

"I know you really aren't interested in the book I'm reading and just want to talk. But guess what? I'm fucking reading! Reading and talking don't work well together."


"You guys are still playing the flirty flirty game? You've been flirting since I started riding this bus a yar and a half ago. Fuck already!"


That's all for now.
Or those obnoxiously fat people who take up two seats?... "stand up and let two people sit!"

Or... "Mind getting your fucking fat ass out of my seat?"

Or those people that want to sit down? Why do you ask if you can use the seat? Can you make it any more obvious you want to sit there?

Or... why is it when there are seats available to other people do white people look at the seats with others then sit next to (white) me? "Why can't you sit next to those Muslims? They won't bite!"

OR the people with music you can hear through their headphones. "Turn that fucking shit own, or I swear, I'm going to take that fucking MP3 player of yours and toss it on the tracks!"

At least people can't use their cellphones on the subway here...

....and a cellphone jammer would be good on the bus. "We can hear your conversation... we don't need to hear about that vaginal infection she got from fucking you!"

"No, Future Mother-in-law, we are not engaged. Yes, we are sleeping together. Given that we've been living together for a year and a half, don't you think it's about time you stop making us sleep in separate rooms when we come to visit?"

"Just because we have sex in our house, doesn't mean we'll fuck like bunnies in your guest bed."

"yes, your child is stupid, no I don't care"

Related:

My mom took me to visit a neighbor who had just had a baby. Looking into the crib, I barely managed to stop myself from launching into song. The tune? Stephen Lynch's "Ugly Baby."

Damn that's an ugly baby
God damn that's an ugly ass baby
I can't take her home today
She'll scare the dog away
'cause damn that's an ugly baby

my daughter's boys will not sleep in the same room with them, even after they are married.....it would traumatize me. ;)

"hello, daughter's husband, if that is who you really are......sleep on the lumpy sleeper sofa, daughter will sleep upstairs in the feather bed"

I was really paranoid when my girlfriend came to stay at my family home over Christmas as my room is right next to my parents and my bed seems to rhythmically squeak no matter how innocently we sleep

my daughter's boys will not sleep in the same room with them, even after they are married.....it would traumatize me. ;)

My parents were up front about it; they just asked us to not have sex while we stay in their house, because it squiggs them out. We agreed, and we keep our word even though we sleep in the same bed when we're there.


"hello, daughter's husband, if that is who you really are......sleep on the lumpy sleeper sofa, daughter will sleep upstairs in the feather bed"
Future Mother-in-law has me sleep upstairs in Himself's childhood bedroom, while he sleeps in the basement. It is not a coincidence that her bedroom is on the floor between.

"No, Future Mother-in-law, we are not engaged. Yes, we are sleeping together. Given that we've been living together for a year and a half, don't you think it's about time you stop making us sleep in separate rooms when we come to visit?"

my daughter's boys will not sleep in the same room with them, even after they are married.....it would traumatize me. ;)

"hello, daughter's husband, if that is who you really are......sleep on the lumpy sleeper sofa, daughter will sleep upstairs in the feather bed"

Sometimes when I arrive to entertain at children's parties and I knock on the door I get greeted by the mother who sees me standing there in my full regalia. She looks me up and down and says, "Are you the clown?"

I usually say, "Yes."

Sometimes I say, "No, I'm the cable guy. Is your TV on the fritz?" if my first impression of them is that they can take a joke(I'm rarely wrong).

However, I think I might consider: "No, I'm Presidential Hopeful, Ron Paul. Will you vote for me?"

:D

Hahahah! During the birth of my second son, I was franticly waiting for the ambulance to show up to take my wife to hospital, when I saw it from the window I rushed downstairs, flagged the chaps down and asked are you here for me?

The bloke just looked at me with 'that' smile playing around his lips and asked, dunno mate are you pregnant?

"No, Future Mother-in-law, we are not engaged. Yes, we are sleeping together. Given that we've been living together for a year and a half, don't you think it's about time you stop making us sleep in separate rooms when we come to visit?"

Thats maddness! I got a slap off of my mother in law a while back for making the most inocent of remarks!

I told her don't go down the doctors for that, just slap some youghart on it love. Bwahahah it was well worth it though just for the look on her face, and my wifes, and my sister in laws!

You people have sociopathic issues.

Things I want to say to people but shouldn't, because there would be no good reason to do so, include:


"I am fully aware of your No Dogs Allowed Policy, I saw your sign. This is an Aardvark."

"Sell everything you own, and meet me at this location in exactly three hours."

"No, I didn't believe they could fly, either."

"It's pricey, but all the furniture is edible."

"They told me there was no such thing as Shmorpe, but they were wrong."

"I greet you on behalf of the people of my planet, Earth."

My parents were up front about it; they just asked us to not have sex while we stay in their house, because it squiggs them out. We agreed, and we keep our word even though we sleep in the same bed when we're there.


Future Mother-in-law has me sleep upstairs in Himself's childhood bedroom, while he sleeps in the basement. It is not a coincidence that her bedroom is on the floor between.

I was totally waiting for you to ask me what would happen if they brought a girl home. :p

I was really paranoid when my girlfriend came to stay at my family home over Christmas as my room is right next to my parents and my bed seems to rhythmically squeak no matter how innocently we sleep
When hubby and I visit the in-laws we are supposed to sleep in the living room floor on an air mattress while the children get his childhood room. Apparently that's supposed to keep us from sexing......hasn't proved effective.

Every once in a while, when dealing with my ex, she reminds me of why I divorced her. I never say what's on my mind to her though, because we still have the kids in common and I've decided that it's just better to bite my tongue and vent later as opposed to launching into battle with her. It wouldn't solve anything anyway.

But oh, the things that go through my head at the crucial moment...

I keep trying to think of examples to share but they're all either so cruel that I'm embarassed to admit to thinking them, or they'd give out info that's a bit more specific than I'm comfortable posting.

You people have sociopathic issues.

Things I want to say to people but shouldn't, because there would be no good reason to do so, include:


"I am fully aware of your No Dogs Allowed Policy, I saw your sign. This is an Aardvark."

"Sell everything you own, and meet me at this location in exactly three hours."

"No, I didn't believe they could fly, either."

"It's pricey, but all the furniture is edible."

"They told me there was no such thing as Shmorpe, but they were wrong."

"I greet you on behalf of the people of my planet, Earth."

Say all of these sound suspiciously like Homerisms to me!

You people have sociopathic issues.
If I was a sociopath I would say all this stuff. My filter might be on the blink, but sometimes it still works.

Case in point. I had to send out 1st semester reports on my Creative writing students, where there is a space for "teacher comments" if my filter wasn't working they would have been less of "your child was a delight to have in class" and more of

"your child is uncreative and whiny, I blame you."

and would possibly even include

"you are a horrible control freak and your child will forever be emotionally and creatively stunted due to your incessant need for arbitrary boundaries on self expression, they will probably marry young, divorce early, and never be truly happy in life. I hope you are pleased with yourself"

see? I am nice.

You people have sociopathic issues.

I don't have sociopathic issues. I'm just very intolerant of the human race and think they're a bunch of moronic twats, the majority of which are douchewads with their heads shoved 20,000 leagues up their ass. And no, I don't have any issues. :)

"you are a horrible control freak and your child will forever be emotionally and creatively stunted due to your incessant need for arbitrary boundaries on self expression, they will probably marry young, divorce early, and never be truly happy in life."


Just picture that being read after being pulled out of a Fortune Cookie.

Oh, my kind of thread.

Flatmates:

"Please consider these two options as the only ones available: Either you stay in your room AND LEAVE THE DOOR SHUT, or you shower at least every other day."

"Please cover yourself. No, "covering" does not include the meanings "put on a bathrobe that's so very much too small that each and every unpleasant bit is sticking out", and/or displaying your undelightful excuse of a body when doing the dishes in your briefs".

"Please explain to me why a 25-year-old lawyer in spe is over-challenged by the task of placing things in the trashcan, and not in a one-foot-radius around it."

"I really do prefer not being able to see what you had for lunch by looking at the dishes you 'cleaned'. I' also prefer for me not to be able to see the digestive waste coming from said lunch floating around in the toilet sometime later."

"We live in the twenty-first century. Here, let me show you this amazing technological feat we managed to establish recently. It's called a door handle; it's very easy to use, and highly effective in keeping flatmates asleep when used properly upon late-night arrivals."

Classmates:

"I'm a private tech spy, and I want to tell you a secret: Your mobile phone has an off / mute button."

"This might sound crazy, but we've had an education reform recently and you're now allowed to use a font size bigger than 8 pt when preparing your overhead projector slides."

"I'm terribly sorry, but could you make sure you have adequate knowledge skills before entering uni/this class? I prefer to use the class time effectively and not have the learning experience disrupted by people asking whether Scandinavia is its own continent, thankyouverymuch."

"Would you mind all too much taking your fucking baby outside if it doesn't stop fucking crying for over five fucking minutes?"

General populace:

"Excuse me, you just dropped a tin of beans on my head. Would you care to apologize?"

"Excuse me, sir, you just spat on my foot / bag. Would you care to apologize?"

"Excuse me, but you have terribly, utterly, repulsively bad breath from hell. Would you mind to turn around and just stop talking to me?"

"Sorry, but you must mistake me for a person who cares. Mind if I quit listening?"



I'll add more once I took a deep breath and calmed down a bit. The spot where the tin hit me still hurts.

You know, I honestly don't understand this mentality of "I will keep my child in a seperate bed from his/her significant other".

I really just fucking don't. This is not addressed to any one person, but just in general, if you can't handle that your adult child is, and will continue to have sex, with his/her partner, then grow the fuck up and deal with it. Don't make them jump through hoops and treat them like children because you can't fucking deal.

if you don't want them having sex in your house, ask them not to. They will either respect that request, or not. If they're not going to respect it, then they wouldn't have respected it just because you thought you were clever and put them in seperate rooms.

And if your motivation for putting them in seperate rooms was so you can monitor your adult child so that you can somehow leap out of your bedroom in the middle of the night and yell at him to put his pants back on and go back to his room.. then frankly, you need some serious fucking help, and deserve to never be invited to their home ever again, and, if they do choose to invite you, that you and your spouse be put in seperate rooms.

Seperate rooms, in which your child and his/her partner have "accidentally" left several sex toys in plain view.

Just picture that being read after being pulled out of a Fortune Cookie.

do you think if I presented it in that way it would make the news any easier to hear?

my daughter's boys will not sleep in the same room with them, even after they are married.....it would traumatize me. ;)

"hello, daughter's husband, if that is who you really are......sleep on the lumpy sleeper sofa, daughter will sleep upstairs in the feather bed"
Start saving for a good boyfriend cage. If you go for a cheaper model she'll be able to break him out. Or worse, get in there with him. :eek:

Nothing at the moment, but I thought this would be appropriate to the thread.
http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/helpdesk_warning_sign.jpg



Ooops, sorry Smunk.
I LOVE THAT SIGN! WHERE CAN I GET ONE!!!

When interviewing to get a clowning job, I was asked "do you like children?" and I answered "only if properly cured and cooked" and they looked at me like I had three heads.....then they kinda did the uncomfortable chuckle and said "you are joking right?" so I said "no". I have really no interest in hanging out with children who come from such boring parents.

Should answer to the "you're kidding right?" question with yeah. "I usually just eat them like sushi."

Some of my wanna be used phrases when I'm on the Helpdesk.

"Lack of planning on your part does NOT make it an emergency on my part."

"oh, it's what we call PEB CAK" (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard)

"Sir/Ma'am, it won't matter HOW big a hard drive you get, it won't affect your RAM."
(and vice versa)

"Turning off the monitor does NOT reboot the computer."

"I don't care if it worked fine yesterday, the problem is you were using it between then and now."

"I don't care if you rebooted your computer before you called. The thing is, you called me and I fixed the problem while you were yapping about how it was impossible to do your work with the problem. so please reboot again."

"Excuse me... I asked HOW CAN I HELP YOU and not GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING LIFE STORY."

"when I ask if there is anything on the screen, 'NOTHING' tells me you turned off the monitor."

"Yes, it takes 3 - 5 days to set up a user with all necessary access. yes, I'm well aware your new employee starts tomorrow as you repeatedly said. so why the fuck didn't you turn in the paperwork when you hired him two weeks ago?"

"You didn't know you were supposed to coordinate with us? you call us to fix Faxes (which we don't) Telephones (which we don't) and Copiers (which we don't) and you don't call us when you need your computer and printer fixed?"

"If the problem happened weeks ago, why call us NOW?"

EDIT:
and I just remembered this one...
"You went to medical school, YOU handle medication with long unpronouncable names, YOU GIVE THOSE MEDICINES to sick people... and you don't know what to do when the computer gives you the message 'Password Expired: Please Enter A New Password'?!?"

1. PULL UP YOUR PANTS, YOU SLOBBY FAUX-GANGSTA BASTARD!

2. One facial piercing is already too many, Queequeg.

3. STOP COMPARING EVERY BAD LEADER TO HITLER, DAMMIT!

4. If my using choice Anglo-Saxon words to express my displeasure is TRULY a "stumbling block" for YOUR faith, then your faith sucks.

5. [When I see a woman in Guess jeans who has obviously been shoehorned into them with a generous helping of grease, complete with muffin-top, the jeans have the logo on the back pocket that says "Guess?"]

I dunno, 200? 210?

6. Your children are not special. Neither are they cute. In fact, if you're not going to discipline and control those little fuckers, I WILL.

That's all for now.

You people have sociopathic issues.

Things I want to say to people but shouldn't, because there would be no good reason to do so, include:


"I am fully aware of your No Dogs Allowed Policy, I saw your sign. This is an Aardvark."

"Sell everything you own, and meet me at this location in exactly three hours."

"No, I didn't believe they could fly, either."

"It's pricey, but all the furniture is edible."

"They told me there was no such thing as Shmorpe, but they were wrong."

"I greet you on behalf of the people of my planet, Earth."

Well as long as we are talking about things we want tosay but will probably never get the opportunity:

"Release The Hounds!'

"I don't care if you're the Queen of England! This thing won't suck itself!"

"Are you going to eat the rest of that baby?"

"The drinking shall continue until morale improves!"

"What do you mean there's no trap door in here?!? This is the Oval Office, right? What the hell do you expect me to do if Dick Cheney shows up? Have one installed immediately! And make sure the weasel cages are properly installed in the Rose Garden!"

"I'd like to thank the Nobel Academy..."

Or those obnoxiously fat people who take up two seats?... "stand up and let two people sit!"

Or... "Mind getting your fucking fat ass out of my seat?"
And they always have that wierd small about them. Not all fat people, just the ones on the bus. It's really cheap perfume mixed with something. I also want to tell them: "I understand not being able to or wanting to buy expensive perfume, but you seriously should just go without."

Or those people that want to sit down? Why do you ask if you can use the seat? Can you make it any more obvious you want to sit there?
Or "Is someone sitting there?" WTF? Where would they go? "Yes, they went downstairs to the cafeteria, but they'll be back."

Or... why is it when there are seats available to other people do white people look at the seats with others then sit next to (white) me? "Why can't you sit next to those Muslims? They won't bite!"
I actually prefer sitting next to non-white folks. They generally don't try to talk to me. I have wanted to ask people if the seat next to the lady in the burka is broken or something.

OR the people with music you can hear through their headphones. "Turn that fucking shit own, or I swear, I'm going to take that fucking MP3 player of yours and toss it on the tracks!"
I swear, some people listen to it so loud you'd swear they actually had mini speakers.

At least people can't use their cellphones on the subway here...

....and a cellphone jammer would be good on the bus. "We can hear your conversation... we don't need to hear about that vaginal infection she got from fucking you!"
I pretend to take a call when one of the talkers starts getting revved up. Or when I see a morbidly obese person scanning for a seat. If they can't make eye contact and talk to you, they usually don't sit down. Or I just talk to myself. You'd be surprised how effective that is.

I LOVE THAT SIGN! WHERE CAN I GET ONE!!!

I wish I knew. Your only option may be to get one made from that picture of it.

do you think if I presented it in that way it would make the news any easier to hear?


No, but it would be tons more fun to watch.

Some of my wanna be used phrases when I'm on the Helpdesk.

Bwhahaha. Some of my faves include.

Error of the user interface.

The classic, RTHFM.

I had a girl this moring ask me where the scanned picture would be saved on her PC. I said huh? You have a scanner installed on your PC? She said no, I used the one on the first floor. Gaaahhh!

You know, I honestly don't understand this mentality of "I will keep my child in a seperate bed from his/her significant other".

I really just fucking don't. This is not addressed to any one person, but just in general, if you can't handle that your adult child is, and will continue to have sex, with his/her partner, then grow the fuck up and deal with it. Don't make them jump through hoops and treat them like children because you can't fucking deal.

if you don't want them having sex in your house, ask them not to. They will either respect that request, or not. If they're not going to respect it, then they wouldn't have respected it just because you thought you were clever and put them in seperate rooms.

And if your motivation for putting them in seperate rooms was so you can monitor your adult child so that you can somehow leap out of your bedroom in the middle of the night and yell at him to put his pants back on and go back to his room.. then frankly, you need some serious fucking help, and deserve to never be invited to their home ever again, and, if they do choose to invite you, that you and your spouse be put in seperate rooms.

Seperate rooms, in which your child and his/her partner have "accidentally" left several sex toys in plain view.
I was mostly kidding.

"Release The Hounds!'



Actually I HAVE had opportunity to say that, and did. My life has been a full one.


And make sure the weasel cages are properly installed in the Rose Garden!"




Do you have any idea how good it feelings, just knowing that I am NOT the only person alive who understands the obvious necessity of that?

And they always have that wierd small about them. Not all fat people, just the ones on the bus. It's really cheap perfume mixed with something. I also want to tell them: "I understand not being able to or wanting to buy expensive perfume, but you seriously should just go without."

That's the one thing that never bothers me... smell! I was born with a broken sniffer! :) Anosmia FTW (but I have a sense of taste still). But seriously, I do agree with you, even if I can't smell. It's just not nice. Deoderant should be enough.

Axe body spray? Why not just spray yourself with a skunk. Pretty much the same thing, I gather.

Or "Is someone sitting there?" WTF? Where would they go? "Yes, they went downstairs to the cafeteria, but they'll be back."

I'm tempted next time to say, "my bag is sitting there."

I actually prefer sitting next to non-white folks. They generally don't try to talk to me. I have wanted to ask people if the seat next to the lady in the burka is broken or something.

I know what you mean.

Or there are a million vacant seats and the person still sits next to you. That one, I will never understand.

I swear, some people listen to it so loud you'd swear they actually had mini speakers.

I once saw someone with speakers attached to their person. This was in Amsterdam. The music coming out was quieter than the music I've heard coming out of headphones.

I pretend to take a call when one of the talkers starts getting revved up. Or when I see a morbidly obese person scanning for a seat. If they can't make eye contact and talk to you, they usually don't sit down. Or I just talk to myself. You'd be surprised how effective that is.

If someone is looking for a seat, I pretend to sleep and sprawl. It works... some times...

Something else I don't get...

Ok, you know how on a bus, street car or subway there are often signs that encourage you to yield your seat to someone in need? Why is it when I offer my seat to an elderly man they will choose to stand instead? Not only that but stand near the seat I offered them!

another one is MVATOC. (Meat Virus Attempting To Operate Computer)

Hah what gets to me though is when the fuckers just lie to you. Its like they are kids frightened of getting told off.

Hey helpdesk guy.
Yeah.
My keyboard isn't working.
Have you just spilt your coffee on it?
Umm nope, no, I didn't

Fuckin' Liar!

Bwhahaha. Some of my faves include.

Error of the user interface.

The classic, RTHFM.

I had a girl this moring ask me where the scanned picture would be saved on her PC. I said huh? You have a scanner installed on your PC? She said no, I used the one on the first floor. Gaaahhh!

another one is MVATOC. (Meat Virus Attempting To Operate Computer)

Bwhahaha. Some of my faves include.

Error of the user interface.

The classic, RTHFM.

I had a girl this moring ask me where the scanned picture would be saved on her PC. I said huh? You have a scanner installed on your PC? She said no, I used the one on the first floor. Gaaahhh!

Ugh... if those are the kinds of people I'm going to be dealing with when I finally get my damn help desk job... I think I'll just opt to crawl back under the rock from whence I came! :eek:

http://www.boomspeed.com/looonatic/dogbert1.jpg

Ugh... if those are the kinds of people I'm going to be dealing with when I finally get my damn help desk job... I think I'll just opt to crawl back under the rock from whence I came! :eek:

Heheh naaa it's not all like that, it can be fun.

I quite like it when the females do that whole using of their femine wiles on me, not realisng, I'm gonna do the job, coz thats what I get paid for!

You know, I honestly don't understand this mentality of "I will keep my child in a seperate bed from his/her significant other".

I really just fucking don't. This is not addressed to any one person, but just in general, if you can't handle that your adult child is, and will continue to have sex, with his/her partner, then grow the fuck up and deal with it. Don't make them jump through hoops and treat them like children because you can't fucking deal.

if you don't want them having sex in your house, ask them not to. They will either respect that request, or not. If they're not going to respect it, then they wouldn't have respected it just because you thought you were clever and put them in seperate rooms.

And if your motivation for putting them in seperate rooms was so you can monitor your adult child so that you can somehow leap out of your bedroom in the middle of the night and yell at him to put his pants back on and go back to his room.. then frankly, you need some serious fucking help, and deserve to never be invited to their home ever again, and, if they do choose to invite you, that you and your spouse be put in seperate rooms.

Seperate rooms, in which your child and his/her partner have "accidentally" left several sex toys in plain view.

if you cant stand the thought of your child sleeping iwth the same person they sleep with every other night of their freaking lives, get them a hotel room.

being a control freak over your adult child's sex life is creepy.

[QUOTE=Neo Art;13361166]-snip-QUOTE]

Brings to mind another one, one of the few for my father:

"No dad, I actually used the condom."

And, while I'm at it, my wife:

"Try and tickle me again and I swear I'll break your fingers" (this is after 5 years of being told to stop)

"You're a fool for continuing to give your sister second chances. She's a terminal fool and you know it."

Hah what gets to me though is when the fuckers just lie to you. Its like they are kids frightened of getting told off.

Hey helpdesk guy.
Yeah.
My keyboard isn't working.
Have you just spilt your coffee on it?
Umm nope, no, I didn't

Fuckin' Liar!
"we're too busy, can you just come up and fix it?"
and when I get up there... yep... they were busy talking and drinking coffee. :rolleyes:

Ugh... if those are the kinds of people I'm going to be dealing with when I finally get my damn help desk job... I think I'll just opt to crawl back under the rock from whence I came! :eek:

nah, you get some really awsome users. (some of them acutally treated us to lunch and when you get your favorite users... ;))

and the memories.... (I had to go UP to the user to show him/her where his/her 'spacebar' was located.)

if you cant stand the thought of your child sleeping iwth the same person they sleep with every other night of their freaking lives, get them a hotel room.

being a control freak over your adult child's sex life is creepy.

Indeed. My and my wife perhaps take it too far the other way. We are very open about sex with our kids. The other day in the kitchen I was talking to my oldest son about his new hobbie tabletop battles, and he showed me a template for a flame thrower(or somthing), which took the form of a flat plastic cone shape.

Well what else could I do I ask ya? I took the thing from him, turned to the wife and with the immortal words 'Plastic template, that's a paddlin'' started to umm paddle her behind. The boy just looked at me and said 'daaaad'

I umm had to give it back to him.

"we're too busy, can you just come up and fix it?"
and when I get up there... yep... they were busy talking and drinking coffee. :rolleyes:


Ohh that one really gets me. Yep I'll be there in two mins. Off I rush to find a locked PC and no user to be seen.

When asked for anything outlandish, "how's about to get to fuck?". This includes anything from "can I have £20 which I have no intention of giving back" to "can the Students' Union get us another tier for the car park?".

Anything involving computers, usually just "leave it alone for a bit, you cretin", and if "I clicked print 30 times and nothing came out" is a factor, then "want a typewriter, you silly bastard?" would do too.

"Boohoo I feel suicidal, what do you think I should do?", the real answer after 3 or so weeks of this shit should really be "THEN TAKE A FUCKING LEAP AND RID US OF YOUR FOOLISHNESS", but no, I always waste my time being polite. There we go, though.

You people have sociopathic issues.

Things I want to say to people but shouldn't, because there would be no good reason to do so, include:


"I am fully aware of your No Dogs Allowed Policy, I saw your sign. This is an Aardvark."

"Sell everything you own, and meet me at this location in exactly three hours."

"No, I didn't believe they could fly, either."

"It's pricey, but all the furniture is edible."

"They told me there was no such thing as Shmorpe, but they were wrong."

"I greet you on behalf of the people of my planet, Earth."

I don't think it's sociopathic to say things like we're saying here -- especially if venting them here keeps us from saying them in society. And what you've posted aren't things you shouldn't say so much as they are just weird things. Like George Carlin's "things you never hear":

Hand me that piano.

Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone!

After I shove this red-hot poker up my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off!

I swear, some people listen to it so loud you'd swear they actually had mini speakers.

That's why I suggest people invest in companies that make the components for hearing aids and like devices. In anywhere from 10 to 30 years, those companies will be swimming in demand. Seriously, though, that's the height of rudeness to me. If I walked into a public place with external speakers blaring, I'd expect to be the target of stares and requests to shut it off. But just because some twat needs to hear his rap or metal or whatever at ear-shattering volumes means that we all have to have the displeasure? Fucking clueless arrogance.

I pretend to take a call when one of the talkers starts getting revved up. Or when I see a morbidly obese person scanning for a seat. If they can't make eye contact and talk to you, they usually don't sit down. Or I just talk to myself. You'd be surprised how effective that is.

As a singer, I find that all I have to do is start improvising to chord changes played by the rhythm section in my head. Scatting scares away all but the most die-hard of pub-trans riders. Singing to myself kept the bullies away in high school, too. I guess they thought it was bad luck to hit someone they thought was mental.

Working on checkouts you get lots of reasons to want to shout at customers. For example:

"It said that this was on offer."

Actual Reply:

"I'm sorry but that offer ended two days ago."

Reply I wanted to say:

I really don't give a shit. You'll only save 20p! There is no point arguing over 20 fucking pence!"

And, while I'm at it, my wife:

"Try and tickle me again and I swear I'll break your fingers" (this is after 5 years of being told to stop)


I'm currently at the "Please, no. Really, stop. And I really mean it when I say that I don't particularly care for being tickled and that I want you to permanently stop it. No, saying "Ah so I'll have to tickle you again now in order to get those stupid ideas out of your head and have you quit saying foolish things like I ought to quit tickling you" is not an appropriate response" stage. I do not intend to keep it going for 5 years.

Working on checkouts you get lots of reasons to want to shout at customers. For example:

"It said that this was on offer."

Actual Reply:

"I'm sorry but that offer ended two days ago."

Reply I wanted to say:

I really don't give a shit. You'll only save 20p! There is no point arguing over 20 fucking pence!"

Reminds me of Lily Allen (from "Nan You're a Window Shopper"):

"You're savin' 50p but what do you need with tampons?"

I'm currently at the "Please, no. Really, stop. And I really mean it when I say that I don't particularly care for being tickled and that I want you to permanently stop it. No, saying "Ah so I'll have to tickle you again now in order to get those stupid ideas out of your head and have you quit saying foolish things like I ought to quit tickling you" is not an appropriate response" stage. I do not intend to keep it going for 5 years.

I told my husband about 6 months in, "I really really really really hate being tickled, so if you continue to do it, then I will know you are an abusive prick and I will have to leave you" then he was like "oh" and he never did it again.

I told my husband about 6 months in, "I really really really really hate being tickled, so if you continue to do it, then I will know you are an abusive prick and I will have to leave you" then he was like "oh" and he never did it again.

I might have to try something equally drastic sometime soon. I really think that he really believes that I'm just being taunty-playful and mock-telling him off, but he really needs to understand that I'm really serious. Like, really. ;P

I'm currently at the "Please, no. Really, stop. And I really mean it when I say that I don't particularly care for being tickled and that I want you to permanently stop it. No, saying "Ah so I'll have to tickle you again now in order to get those stupid ideas out of your head and have you quit saying foolish things like I ought to quit tickling you" is not an appropriate response" stage. I do not intend to keep it going for 5 years.

I told my husband about 6 months in, "I really really really really hate being tickled, so if you continue to do it, then I will know you are an abusive prick and I will have to leave you" then he was like "oh" and he never did it again.

Divided forces. If I put all my effort into a moderate annoyance (though there was a time when I would've responded...less pleasantly) like that, I'll never get her to do things like:

-actually put dirty dishes in the fucking sink
-realize that the kitchen table is not a filing cabinet
-and that "this way I know where everything is" is not an excuse to
make it one
-and other, more immediate annoyances.

Working on checkouts you get lots of reasons to want to shout at customers. For example:

"It said that this was on offer."

Actual Reply:

"I'm sorry but that offer ended two days ago."

Reply I wanted to say:

I really don't give a shit. You'll only save 20p! There is no point arguing over 20 fucking pence!"

I remember getting an offer for a free phone from a mainland company. "Offer expires Jan 20" it said. I got the mail Feb 2nd. :rolleyes:

Yup it didn't get me out of that speeding ticket either ;)No, it's for someone I work with.

I might have to try something equally drastic sometime soon. I really think that he really believes that I'm just being taunty-playful and mock-telling him off, but he really needs to understand that I'm really serious. Like, really. ;P

it's because a lot of people say "Stop! *giggle*" Safe words should be common place in everyday life *nod*

Divided forces. If I put all my effort into a moderate annoyance (though there was a time when I would've responded...less pleasantly) like that, I'll never get her to do things like:

-actually put dirty dishes in the fucking sink
-realize that the kitchen table is not a filing cabinet
-and that "this way I know where everything is" is not an excuse to
make it one
-and other, more immediate annoyances.

being the control freak I am, being tickled puts me in a terrifying position of being unable to even control my own reactions.

I can deal with the rest of the stuff, by yelling, screaming, guilting, or just putting things away myself, at least then I am still in control.

being the control freak I am, being tickled puts me in a terrifying position of being unable to even control my own reactions.

I can deal with the rest of the stuff, by yelling, screaming, guilting, or just putting things away myself, at least then I am still in control.

It's the opposite for me. I am resistant to ticklers. My sister-in-law has tried to retaliate against me but has never been successful. All I have to do is make the tickling gesture at her and she breaks into fits of giggles and cowers. :D

it's because a lot of people say "Stop! *giggle*" Safe words should be common place in everyday life *nod*

I thought I've always given the "stop!" talk in all seriousness when he was keeping his hands to himself at the time, but unfortunately I can't help giggling even when I feel uttermostly threatened and uncomfortable when tickled.

being the control freak I am, being tickled puts me in a terrifying position of being unable to even control my own reactions.
Yeah, that's a big part, on top of the sheer physical discomfort it soon exhibits (I really am extremely ticklish, and there's, say, only ten square inches or so on my body that aren't)

Divided forces. If I put all my effort into a moderate annoyance (though there was a time when I would've responded...less pleasantly) like that, I'll never get her to do things like:

-actually put dirty dishes in the fucking sink
-realize that the kitchen table is not a filing cabinet
-and that "this way I know where everything is" is not an excuse to
make it one
-and other, more immediate annoyances.


Heheh Sweet. I told my wife over the weekend, gosh look at the amount of dust on them curtains.

Monday when I got home from work, after the slapping had been administered(she slapping me that is) and a few 'you ****' 's had been thrown around(again her calling me) she proudly showed me her newly hovered curtains. Man is she house proud!

being the control freak I am, being tickled puts me in a terrifying position of being unable to even control my own reactions.

That's certainly part of it, the rest of it being it brings back uncomfortable images. I don't find it pleasant or fun and considering her reaction to being unintentionally ticked, you'd think she'd get it (instead of using it as an excuse to retailiate).


I can deal with the rest of the stuff, by yelling, screaming, guilting, or just putting things away myself, at least then I am still in control.

I hate feeling like I'm the one to do everything and I hate living in what looks like a messy dorm room, so it burns me up when she pulls shit like leaving dishes around to be cleaned "when she gets to it" (i.e. next Thursday), piling mail (both important and junk) on our tables so "she knows where it is" (when filing it would do the exact same thing", and then bitching about me trying to clean up because "I never do it as well as I think."

I tried just leaving the dishes out for her to clean once: we ran out of clean dishes after about a week.

I don't think it's sociopathic to say things like we're saying here -- especially if venting them here keeps us from saying them in society.

Oh I know, I was just having fun with the observation that "things you shouldn't say" was nearly universally assumed to mean "because they are horribly rude, antisocial or otherwise a breach of ettiquette.

There are in fact a range of possibilities, including;

Things you shouldn't say because they'll put you in the happy home:

(see my list, goofball's list.)


Things you shouldn't say because you'll go broke:

"I read your email from Nigeria and I am moved to tears by your predicament. Here are my account numbers..."

"Of course I trust you, where do I sign?"


Things you shouldn't say because under certain conditions, they can get you killed:

"My blood type is... (anything other than your actual blood type)"

or

"I named my teddy bear Mohammed. Isn't that cute?"

Of course, most of the time these aren't things you WANT to say... but who knows?

I work in a loud factory and I wear a headset for ear protection. Sometimes I see the woman who works across the line from me talking so I have to drop what I'm doing, take the headset off and ask her to repeat what she said. The best thing she said was, "...since it's Thanksgiving this week I guess I'll have to call Teusday 'hump day'." I didn't hold back from saying anything rude so much as I held back from spitting on her.

I hate feeling like I'm the one to do everything and I hate living in what looks like a messy dorm room, so it burns me up when she pulls shit like leaving dishes around to be cleaned "when she gets to it" (i.e. next Thursday), piling mail (both important and junk) on our tables so "she knows where it is" (when filing it would do the exact same thing", and then bitching about me trying to clean up because "I never do it as well as I think."

I tried just leaving the dishes out for her to clean once: we ran out of clean dishes after about a week.

I think your wife and I would be considered soul sisters, since you sound like my husband, seriously, you should see my desk, it's like a federally declared disaster area.

It wouldn't even bother me so much if while hubby in his frustration of "cleaning up" wouldn't move things around all huffy. Sure he comes into the kitchen and there are dishes in the sink, he washes them, fine, but do you have to make the clinky sounds and sigh while doing it?

It wouldn't even bother me so much if while hubby in his frustration of "cleaning up" wouldn't move things around all huffy. Sure he comes into the kitchen and there are dishes in the sink, he washes them, fine, but do you have to make the clinky sounds and sigh while doing it?

Heh yes, yes we do. Well I don't coz washing up is kids work in my house. Honeslty though my wife sounds a lot like your husband.

Hey Babe, where is that magerzine I was reading?
Where did you leave it?
In the bog.
Ohhh that I threw that one away.

Gahhh!

I think your wife and I would be considered soul sisters, since you sound like my husband, seriously, you should see my desk, it's like a federally declared disaster area.

...

I don't know whether to be scared or intrigued, especially considering some of our (yours and mine) prior altercations here...;)


It wouldn't even bother me so much if while hubby in his frustration of "cleaning up" wouldn't move things around all huffy. Sure he comes into the kitchen and there are dishes in the sink, he washes them, fine, but do you have to make the clinky sounds and sigh while doing it?

For us it's more like I try to clean up by throwing out junk and piling the real mail so it's not scattered over the entire table and her immediately asking "what're you doing?" in that tone that really means "STOP IMMEDIATLY!"

I don't mind doing the dishes, I mind that she'll leave dirty ones lying around for days. Mostly I leave them around just to make the point "you know, you have legs too and your hands are perfectly functional, perhaps you could take that glass to the sink."

...

I don't know whether to be scared or intrigued, especially considering some of our (yours and mine) prior altercations here...;)
:p



For us it's more like I try to clean up by throwing out junk and piling the real mail so it's not scattered over the entire table and her immediately asking "what're you doing?" in that tone that really means "STOP IMMEDIATLY!"

I don't mind doing the dishes, I mind that she'll leave dirty ones lying around for days. Mostly I leave them around just to make the point "you know, you have legs too and your hands are perfectly functional, perhaps you could take that glass to the sink."

I have like all the mail and various things scattered on the couch when he gets home sometimes, so he will pick it all up and put it in the floor and then kick it into a pile and sit, and I am like "why did you move my stuff?" and he says "it doesn't belong on the couch"

so....later I am looking for something like my cell phone or my reading glasses, and I am like "where are my reading glasses?" and he is like "where do they belong?" :headbang: He knows I don't know where they "belong" I don't even know where I had them last........

Then I find them in the floor and broken and I am like "why did you put these in the floor?" and he is like "I don't know, I thought they were trash, they were on the couch with a lot of trash, just thought you didn't need them" :mad:

boys are stupid.

Heheh Sweet. I told my wife over the weekend, gosh look at the amount of dust on them curtains.

Monday when I got home from work, after the slapping had been administered(she slapping me that is) and a few 'you ****' 's had been thrown around(again her calling me) she proudly showed me her newly hovered curtains. Man is she house proud!

:phoovered curtains! that honestly made me laugh.

Well while i'm on the topic lets see,
Flatmates:
"Do you know how to use the sink? try using it to clean dishes"
"No that's my food, i don't mind you eating a few slices of bread but a whole loaf takes it too far you lazy ----"
"Ya konw, when you wash dishes they're meant to be cleaner than before you washed them"

Customers in Shop:
"No we can't sell alcohol until after 12.30 on sundays, of course feel free to ask me if you can't read the massive signs over the alcohol section"
"Just because it's on a buy one get one free doesn't mean you can buy one for half the price smartass."
"Oh thanks for telling me about your trip to Dunoune, join the other 50 people who also told me about the trip, next week i can write a book on how amazing it was."
"So you don't drink alcohol, yet you choose to look around in the Whisky shop just to look at the drinks?"
"why are you shaking your head at me? you haven't said anything to me yet."
"If you didn't want to buy our cheap crap then why did you bother to come into the shop just to tell me? i sell the damn stuff, i don't make it."
"I'm sorry i can't assist you right now, notice the other 20 people at my till? you don't think they want to be served?"
"Oh you don't like Scottish banknotes? here's a tip for you you're in Scotland, ever thought you might happen to come accross one while you're here?"
"You can't accept the Scottish banknotes even though they're the same as English ones, notice the pounds sterling written neatly on it, where the hell do you think sterling is, dumbass"
"What do you mean, they don't accept the Scottish banknotes in England? We get our cash from a bank in Manchester you twit, some shops must take them"
"Yes you can have English pound coins instead of the Scottish ones i've just given you but next time bring do me a favour bring your brain with you".

As you can probably tell i've worked in a shop, oh that was soooooo much fun.

I have like all the mail and various things scattered on the couch when he gets home sometimes, so he will pick it all up and put it in the floor and then kick it into a pile and sit, and I am like "why did you move my stuff?" and he says "it doesn't belong on the couch"

Because him just putting it into a pile, say, where he's not going to sit or on nearby table would be too much effort, I'm guessing. :rolleyes:


so....later I am looking for something like my cell phone or my reading glasses, and I am like "where are my reading glasses?" and he is like "where do they belong?" :headbang: He knows I don't know where they "belong" I don't even know where I had them last........

Response: "I dunno where they belong, but my foot's about to find a new home up your ass."


Then I find them in the floor and broken and I am like "why did you put these in the floor?" and he is like "I don't know, I thought they were trash, they were on the couch with a lot of trash, just thought you didn't need them" :mad:

There's a line between "making a point" and "being a jackass." I don't think I need to say which side of the line that's on.


boys are stupid.

Throw rocks at them. ;)

Man, we sound bitter right now.

As you can probably tell i've worked in a shop, oh that was soooooo much fun.

I used to work in an auto parts shop.

Customer: "Is this the right part?"
Me (on the outside) : "yes"
Me (on the inside) : "No, I just like giving away the wrong part all the time, just for fun. Let me know if it works!"

Customer: "Do you have a radiator for a 1965 Chrysler?"
Me: "No, I'd have to special order it."
Customer: "Well why the hell don't you have one?"
Me (On the outside) : "..."
Me (On the inside) : "Because it's 1995, dumbass."
or
Me (On the inside) : "Good question. Awful strange with all the '65 Chryslers running around that we're not taking advantage of the market..."

I used to work in an auto parts shop.

Customer: "Is this the right part?"
Me (on the outside) : "yes"
Me (on the inside) : "No, I just like giving away the wrong part all the time, just for fun. Let me know if it works!"

Customer: "Do you have a radiator for a 1965 Chrysler?"
Me: "No, I'd have to special order it."
Customer: "Well why the hell don't you have one?"
Me (On the outside) : "..."
Me (On the inside) : "Because it's 1995, dumbass."
or
Me (On the inside) : "Good question. Awful strange with all the '65 Chryslers running around that we're not taking advantage of the market..."

lol:)
that reminds me of more of shop issues:
"you don't have any more of those(whatever item is, usually something wierd), you used to sell them, it's all gone downhill now, you just can't get the staff these days"
what i say:"well i could ask management and see if we have any left"
What i want to say:"quit wasting my time, we can't sell the same things all the time, that's why it's called a market".

angry customer"if you can't fix this i'll speak to the manager!"
Me: "Oh i'll get the manager then, (even though the manager says exactly what i said, the only difference is he's wearing a suit jacket so he must know what he's doing)"
Manager: "go to hell" (that's not what the manager really says, but it's what they mean)
angry customer "oh thank you for explaining it to me, your staff wasn't very helpful"
Me,(lieing little bastard, you wanted to rip my ears off before)"worried grin, sorry" (stupid ---)

funniest comments:
Customer says in loud voice :"your toilets are wonderful! I'll tell the toilet inspectors".
Me:"um thanks, i'll tell the cleaners shall i?"
Customer:"you still call your cashpoints tills!my that's a very british thing, most of the other shops i know call them cashpoints.
Me:"oh, okay ummmm right i'll tick that box if i ever have to answer a question on it".

Of course not all the customers i have served are bad, some are absolute gems,(i'll tell a couple of stories)
e.g.
I was asked to help a disabled couple get to the toilets, (i had to get the chair we have) so i wheeled the guy, while walking slowly so his wife could keep up. Then i got to the toilet, let the guy out and made polite conversation with the woman(wife), she then takes out her purse and asks me to fish out some pound coins because she can't see very well, i do so, i try to hand the money back and she says "oh no that's for you thank you for your service, so kind of you" i say "i can't accept this, ummm i already get paid". Woman "no no keep it", at this point i realise not all old people are bad, and feel guilty about making jokes about them.
Then i wheel them back to another till, i'm called on by another customer, so another of my team, take over, i never saw that couple again.

As much as i get told i'm incompetant by some customers, others will give me a guilty look and say something like "she's a nasty piece of work isn't she, i think you're wonderful".

Strangely enough, the nicest customers we get are Canadians, i don't know why, and some have a peculair habit of giving a little badge of the Canadian flag. but i liked serving people from other countries the most, usually unique in their mannerisms (or lack of)

I usually worked in the Whisky shop, i worked all around the store, but decided Whisky was a small step up from the rest, if only because the shop was were the customers were most happy (i wonder why) handing out the minature tasting glasses (made of plastic, about a thimbefull if that), i know a fair bit about Scottish Whisky (if only there was books to read about it, so when it was quiet i read them). I would recommend Glenlivet, or Balvennie (according to the books, i don't actually like the taste of whisky), but if you're used to it try peatier ones typically made in the West of Scotland, like Laphroaig, or Bunnahbain. But there's so many we only had a small selection, as far as i know there's a whisky trial leading up to speyside (that's rouhgly on the east coastal side going up to Aberdeen).

Whoah i did write alot there, sorry if that wasn't relevant to you.

You know what really grinds my gears? Vague interview questions!

ie:
Describe yourself.
-- What the fuck? Could you be any more vague? I mean, you could explain what you want to know. This kind of question begs for the person to be a complete dick about it.

I don't know how many times I've thought about saying, "what, you want to hear my life story, starting with me being taken out of my mom's womb through a c-section because I was too fucking big* to come out the normal way?"

* 9 pounds 13 ounces.

and...

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
-- this makes me think of Family Guy and Peter is thinking, 'don't say doing you're wife...' "Uh... doing your...kid?"

These questions remind of of the exams I took for one of my college classes. The professor was notorious for having an exam with 16 questions and expected one page answers for each. Typically about three or four paragraph answers. Crazy smoking Scott he was.

Recently I've taken to calling people 'fuckstains'. I suppose I shouldn't, but really, stop me fuckstain.

http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a380/a380_thumb.jpg

You know what really grinds my gears? Vague interview questions!
ie:
Describe yourself.-- What the fuck? Could you be any more vague? I mean, you could explain what you want to know. This kind of question begs for the person to be a complete dick about it.
I don't know how many times I've thought about saying, "what, you want to hear my life story, starting with me being taken out of my mom's womb through a c-section because I was too fucking big* to come out the normal way?"
* 9 pounds 13 ounces.
and...
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
-- this makes me think of Family Guy and Peter is thinking, 'don't say doing you're wife...' "Uh... doing your...kid?"
These questions remind of of the exams I took for one of my college classes. The professor was notorious for having an exam with 16 questions and expected one page answers for each. Typically about three or four paragraph answers. Crazy smoking Scott he was.

funny:), oh i'd describe myself as i'm 9 feet 10 inches, well i was once, now my favourite ice cream sunday has to be strawberrry with lots of creamy stuff and those dinky chocolate flakes on it. now as for my political theories i'm fascinated by.....(pictures interviewers, fiddling with pens and paper in an attempt to occupy their drained brains, after 3 hours of my constant talking)....well as for that president of Kenya well, i'd give him what for eh? silly bugger now back to how soviet Russia was formed well.......(interviewers try to find a big enough piece of string to, tie around their necks).....Now i have so much in common with Mike Tyson, i mean i'm very prone to angry outbursts if someone hits me....etc you get the idea i think.
oh funny thread

"i dunno (what price that is), have you tried reading the sign?"

"i dunno (if the shelf label is already reduced X% or if it will be reduced X% from that price at the till), have you tried reading the sign?"

"if you haven't noticed, this is the woman's clothing section. what the hell are you doing asking a guy?"

"if you haven't noticed, this is the make-up section. what the hell are you doing asking a guy?"

"i cannot answer your question unless i can hear it"

"actually, we do have more in the back. we just aren't going to sell it to you today" (people constantly ask me if we have shit in the back when it is not on the shelf. we don't. never have never will. if we had any, it would be on the shelf)

"if save-on is so great, why do you continue to shop here" (people always compare us to save-on-foods whenever they do not like part of our policy. ie "at save-on they do blah". the thing is, we are about 10% cheaper than save-on overall)

"i know you are lying to me; your lips are moving" (first rule of retail)

and back to my OP frustration

"YOUR MOTHER BORD IS NOT YOUR HARD DRIVE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU KEEP SAYING IT IS"

"actually, we do have more in the back. we just aren't going to sell it to you today" (people constantly ask me if we have shit in the back when it is not on the shelf. we don't. never have never will. if we had any, it would be on the shelf)


Not all shops can instantly re-stock shelves so that they're always full of available products. If you don't ask you don't get

and back to my OP frustration

"YOUR MOTHER BORD IS NOT YOUR HARD DRIVE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU KEEP SAYING IT IS"

Reminds me of people who refer to the entire computer system as their hard drive.

Not all shops can instantly re-stock shelves so that they're always full of available products. If you don't ask you don't get

I find it works at large stores. Small stores are usually better about keeping shelves stocked.

Reminds me of people who refer to the entire computer system as their hard drive.

oh, and those people who think the tower is the CPU.

yeah, I loathe them.

Working on checkouts you get lots of reasons to want to shout at customers. For example:

"It said that this was on offer."

Actual Reply:

"I'm sorry but that offer ended two days ago."

Reply I wanted to say:

I really don't give a shit. You'll only save 20p! There is no point arguing over 20 fucking pence!"
I've had people argue over $0.02

I've had people argue over $0.02

Ah, those people, they can get really annoying, what i did was give in, i mean there's no point in arguing over 2p or cents, i know i shouldn't but what do i care of the large company if they lose out on 2p?
I know i should have had some backbone, but with 2p it's just laughable. ah i empathise.

Ah, those people, they can get really annoying, what i did was give in, i mean there's no point in arguing over 2p or cents, i know i shouldn't but what do i care of the large company if they lose out on 2p?
I know i should have had some backbone, but with 2p it's just laughable. ah i empathise.

I had someone argue with me over 10 cents once while I was working fast food, I reached into my pocket and gave them a dime, thought they would shut up, they did not

"I don't want your money, I want my money! It's the principle of the thing!"
"oh"

so I opened the cash drawer and pulled out about $2.00 in dimes, "pick which one is yours please" he picked one, I put my dime in the pile and put them all back in the drawer "NEXT!"

dumbass. (the customer)

I had someone argue with me over 10 cents once while I was working fast food, I reached into my pocket and gave them a dime, thought they would shut up, they did not

"I don't want your money, I want my money! It's the principle of the thing!"
"oh"

so I opened the cash drawer and pulled out about $2.00 in dimes, "pick which one is yours please" he picked one, I put my dime in the pile and put them all back in the drawer "NEXT!"

dumbass. (the customer)

one of my co-workers (when I worked at a bookstore) recieved payment for a book in PENNIES!

he deserved his break.

Not all shops can instantly re-stock shelves so that they're always full of available products. If you don't ask you don't get
We're a big store. We can manage it. We don't actually have space to store anything in the back. There are exceptions, like big items, clothing, and expensive perfumes.

I had someone argue with me over 10 cents once while I was working fast food, I reached into my pocket and gave them a dime, thought they would shut up, they did not

"I don't want your money, I want my money! It's the principle of the thing!"
"oh"

so I opened the cash drawer and pulled out about $2.00 in dimes, "pick which one is yours please" he picked one, I put my dime in the pile and put them all back in the drawer "NEXT!"

dumbass. (the customer)

lol very much, how does money have principles? My manager explained why we get some customers who can't think striaght.
Because after a long journey they're tired, and they might not like small spaces, as i've noticed once it gets busy people get nervous, and angry. I also notice that if it's really quiet i've never had anyone complain when it's quiet, even if i cock up at the till.
but yeah there's always going to be someone, i once was aksed"why aren't you smiling?" i felt like saying because i don't want to be here serving people like you!.
urgh well i've left that, i hope i never have to work in another retail job again, i've served my time thank you, 2 years is enough

Customer:"you still call your cashpoints tills!my that's a very british thing, most of the other shops i know call them cashpoints.
Me:"oh, okay ummmm right i'll tick that box if i ever have to answer a question on it".


The word 'cashpoint' is a trademark of Lloyds TSB. Their solicitors are notorious for sending threatening letters to people who use the word to refer to anything other than a Lloyds cash machine.
So... if that ever crops up again, you'll know how to kill the conversation stone dead.

I have a favourite multi-purpose comeback.
Idiot: "You can't [just walk in here / talk to me like that / behave like that]" delete as applicable
Me: "That's funny... I'm pretty sure I just did."

I know there's one thing I want to say to some people but can't. and I know alot of you will agree that this will top their list...


Sometimes, you just wanna look that person in the eye and say in a firm and commanding voice...

"FUCK YOU!"

:p

Mine was close:

http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a380/a380_thumb.jpg

Ah, those people, they can get really annoying, what i did was give in, i mean there's no point in arguing over 2p or cents, i know i shouldn't but what do i care of the large company if they lose out on 2p?
I know i should have had some backbone, but with 2p it's just laughable. ah i empathise.
I actually can't do anything about it. To over-ride the price of the till requires you to get your supervisor to enter there password for you.


Anyways, a specific on about being on till. The grocery store I work at has its own gas station. When you buy our gas, you get a coupon worth $0.07 for every liter. The problem comes in that the till will not accept them if the balance of the coupon is more than their total (they have to be used all at once). People do not get this. They will argue with you until they are blue in the mouth, but it won't get them anywhere. It says right on them they cannot be exchanged for cash. People also bitch about how you cannot use them to pay for the tax on the order. Funny thing about the government is, the don't much like getting a piece of paper instead of tax money.

I know there's one thing I want to say to some people but can't. and I know alot of you will agree that this will top their list...


Sometimes, you just wanna look that person in the eye and say in a firm and commanding voice...

"FUCK YOU!"

:p

Mine was close:

didn't see that... mod edit?

"Please kind sir/madame. convey yourself to a private location so that you can get to know yourself in a biblical definition."

lol:)
that reminds me of more of shop issues:

<snip>

Ohh I used to be a mechanic (after the auto parts thing. I'm very upwardly mobile, you know) and some of those stories were priceless too:

Customer: "Did you make sure to torque my lugnuts properly?"
Me: "Yep. I use a torque stick."
Customer: "Well, was the car in the air or on the ground?"
Me: "It was on my lift..."
Customer: "Well, the shadetree mechanic says you should always torque lugnuts on the ground."
(The shadetree mechanic was some idiot on TV giving car advice)
Me: (Turning so that my ASE Certified Master Auto Tech patch is clearly visible) "I assure you, the lugs are torqued properly."
Customer: "Well the Shadetree mechanic says..."
Me (on the inside): "If you love the shadetree mechanic so &*!#ing much, why are you here?"

My Shop Manager: "We can't use heat to unfreeze those caliper pins. They must be replaced."
Customer: "Well I'm not a mechanic I'm just an engineer but I dont' see why not..."
Manager: "Because it'll make the metal brittle and less safe."
Customer: "Well I"m not a mechanic but..."
Me (on the inside): "THEN STFU!!!!"

Me: "Sir, the noise in your brakes was coming from this rust lip. It sometimes forms after a lot of humid weather. It's pretty common."
Customer: "Well, I've owned several cars, and that is NOT common."
Me (On the inside): "You're right. WTF do I know I only work on 5 cars a day 5 days a week. I defer to your vast experience."

*It is a testament to my level of rapid frustration with ignorant people telling me my job that I use some the word 'fuck' in every single one of those stories, in my head.

I have a favourite multi-purpose comeback.
Idiot: "You can't [just walk in here / talk to me like that / behave like that]" delete as applicable
Me: "That's funny... I'm pretty sure I just did."

I used that one recently. Was in line in a drive thru at MacDonald's and the car in front of me sat there for a good 20 mins chatting with a worker who'd just gotten off shift. I finally lost patience and told him to get the f*#@! out of the way. He said "Oh I know you ain't just talk to ME like dat!" To which I replied. "I just did."

Funny the look on their faces when they don't expect you to be intimidated by their little bluff.

This thread might prove quite useful actually.

To the fat girl from the corridoor the otherside of my kitchen; "You want to know why you're fat? Try not baking a cake and eating it every fucking day!"

To the ugly, rat faced girl from the corridoor the otherside of my kitchen; "Stop complaining nobody tries to pull you and make an effort to look better"

To the smug, prepossessing bastard of a lecturer who spent an hour of my time this morning explaining in lamentably ineloquent terms why I should be happy I'm being made to study modern history this term; "I don't care. I came to university to study medieval history, and thats damn well what I intend to do"

Ohh I used to be a mechanic (after the auto parts thing. I'm very upwardly mobile, you know) and some of those stories were priceless too:

Customer: "Did you make sure to torque my lugnuts properly?"
Me: "Yep. I use a torque stick."
Customer: "Well, was the car in the air or on the ground?"
Me: "It was on my lift..."
Customer: "Well, the shadetree mechanic says you should always torque lugnuts on the ground."
(The shadetree mechanic was some idiot on TV giving car advice)
Me: (Turning so that my ASE Certified Master Auto Tech patch is clearly visible) "I assure you, the lugs are torqued properly."
Customer: "Well the Shadetree mechanic says..."
Me (on the inside): "If you love the shadetree mechanic so &*!#ing much, why are you here?"

My Shop Manager: "We can't use heat to unfreeze those caliper pins. They must be replaced."
Customer: "Well I'm not a mechanic I'm just an engineer but I dont' see why not..."
Manager: "Because it'll make the metal brittle and less safe."
Customer: "Well I"m not a mechanic but..."
Me (on the inside): "THEN STFU!!!!"

Me: "Sir, the noise in your brakes was coming from this rust lip. It sometimes forms after a lot of humid weather. It's pretty common."
Customer: "Well, I've owned several cars, and that is NOT common."
Me (On the inside): "You're right. WTF do I know I only work on 5 cars a day 5 days a week. I defer to your vast experience."

*It is a testament to my level of rapid frustration with ignorant people telling me my job that I use some the word 'fuck' in every single one of those stories, in my head.

Catch-all response:

"Sir/Madam/Ugly Being of Indeterminite Gender, if you knew half as much about fixing cars as you seem to think you do, you wouldn't be here."

Catch-all response:

"Sir/Madam/Ugly Being of Indeterminite Gender, if you knew half as much about fixing cars as you seem to think you do, you wouldn't be here."

That one was ALWAYS in my head.

Especially because usually after the customer tried to fix it themselves, it doubled the repair bill because I had to undo their mess before going to work on the root cause.

That one was ALWAYS in my head.

Especially because usually after the customer tried to fix it themselves, it doubled the repair bill because I had to undo their mess before going to work on the root cause.

literally an MSN conversation I had with a tax client this morning (names changed to protect the idiot)


me: Remember that medical costs have to equal more than 7.5% of your income before they are deductible, and that you can't be taking the standard deduction for it to work.

iditot: I was told this for 2 years so imagine how upset I was when I realized that it is not true of medical deductions for food.

me: Your medical deductions do have to be more than 7.5% of your AGI to be deductible, whether it is for food, prescriptions, insurance premiums or mileage to and from the doctor.

Even if you do make it over 7.5% (which is hard) it's only the amount above that that is deductible. You don't have to turn in the list, but you should keep records in case you are audited. I tell my clients to keep it for 5 years even though under normal circumstances the IRS can only go back 3 years.


You may deduct only the amount by which your total medical care expenses for the year exceed 7.5% of your adjusted gross income. You do this calculation on Form 1040 Schedule A in computing the amount deductible.



http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc502.html

idiot: I don’t believe that it has to be a percentage of your income because it is a medical deduction. I may be wrong but when I do my taxes this year I will ask for clarification on this. I was recently told by the dietician that you just write it in under your deductions and clarify celiac disease for the medical deduction.

me: it has to be more than 7.5% of your income to count as a medical deduction on the Schedule A form for itemizing deductions in the US.

I promise.
http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f1040sab.pdf

idiot: I think you are wrong, my sister in law said you don't have to itemize to deduct it.

me: what does your sister in law do for a living?

idiot: she's a seamstress

me: I do taxes

idiot: maybe you should go back to school, because my sister in law said I could do it this way, she didn't say anything about it having to be a percentage.

I was so freaking close to telling her that maybe her sister in law should do her taxes.

after a month of my gf being paranoid for no reason i'm tempted to just go "KEEP IT UP AND I WILL START FUCKING MY HOT FRIEND!"

literally an MSN conversation I had with a tax client this morning (names changed to protect the idiot)




I was so freaking close to telling her that maybe her sister in law should do her taxes.

Heh at the point where the client is suggeting you go back to school, maybe you've got nothing to lose by saying it. he:)

After having spent a career in the Marine Corps, I have kept myself occupied by working various part time jobs here and there. Mostly in the customer service industry. I'd have to say that working at a movie theater has given me the best insight into the stupidity of the average person. Gems like these are daily:

What time does your 7:00pm show start? Ummmm . . . 7:00?

That's to much!! I remember when a ticket cost $0.50!! Well, we have COLOR and SOUND now!!

(me) Ma'am/Sir: I'm sorry but this theater does not allow outside food or drink.
(customer) I'm NOT paying that much for a drink/popcorn/candy here!!
(me) You don't HAVE to, no one is putting a gun to your head and MAKING you purchase our products, you just can't bring yours in, and having a drink/popcorn/candy in the movies is not a God given right.(I love the ones that say their Doctor says they HAVE to have a certain kind of whatever. I usually say: So you'll DIE if you can't have that for the next 2hrs.?)

(me) Please turn your cell/beeper/laptop various other light/sound emitting/recording device off.
(customer) I was just . . .
(me) You know I could personally give a FUCK about your personal problems, if you can't spend the next 2hrs. with out being contacted electronically then maybe you should have stayed at the house.

(customer AFTER the movie is over) That movie was terrible!! I want my money back!!
(me) We don't guarantee that you will LIKE the movie, just that you will get to see it.

(customer AFTER ) There were people talking through the entire movie!!
(me) And your just NOW telling me? Just what exactly did you want me to do about it now? Maybe if you had gotten up DURING the movie, or said something to me when I was IN the move every 20min. checking for rude people, I could have done something. Now all I can do is look at you like your retarded.

Some customer sees my Corps tattoo: Were you in the Marines?
(me) Yes.
(customer) Did you kill anyone?
(me) . . .(Most servicemen that HAVE been in combat would REALLY not like to be reminded of it, we don't want to think about, talk about, or remember what we have had to do. Not to mention that quite a few of us have to deal with PTSD, and asking this question may cause a reaction that could be VERY unfavorable to your health.)

There are many, MANY more, but my fingers are tired :)

literally an MSN conversation I had with a tax client this morning (names changed to protect the idiot)




I was so freaking close to telling her that maybe her sister in law should do her taxes.

You totally should have.

Some customer sees my Corps tattoo: Were you in the Marines?
(me) Yes.
(customer) Did you kill anyone?
(me) . . .(Most servicemen that HAVE been in combat would REALLY not like to be reminded of it, we don't want to think about, talk about, or remember what we have had to do. Not to mention that quite a few of us have to deal with PTSD, and asking this question may cause a reaction that could be VERY unfavorable to your health.)


That's a pretty damn idiot question, to be sure. I can't imagine the mentality behind it. Personally, instead of asking any such questions, I would just say "Thank you." And leave it at that.

Which reminds me of a story that has n othing to do with this thread but I so rarely get to tell it I'll just share it here. Once I was at an airshow with my family and they had a B-17 you could climb up into and walk in. As we were passing the ball turret, I overheard an elderly gentleman behind me mention that he, himself, had once manned a ball turret in a B-17 over Italy. Shaking that gentleman's hand and having the chance to thank him was one of the highest honors I've ever had.

After having spent a career in the Marine Corps, I have kept myself occupied by working various part time jobs here and there. Mostly in the customer service industry. I'd have to say that working at a movie theater has given me the best insight into the stupidity of the average person. Gems like these are daily:

What time does your 7:00pm show start? Ummmm . . . 7:00?

That's to much!! I remember when a ticket cost $0.50!! Well, we have COLOR and SOUND now!!

(me) Ma'am/Sir: I'm sorry but this theater does not allow outside food or drink.
(customer) I'm NOT paying that much for a drink/popcorn/candy here!!
(me) You don't HAVE to, no one is putting a gun to your head and MAKING you purchase our products, you just can't bring yours in, and having a drink/popcorn/candy in the movies is not a God given right.(I love the ones that say their Doctor says they HAVE to have a certain kind of whatever. I usually say: So you'll DIE if you can't have that for the next 2hrs.?)

(me) Please turn your cell/beeper/laptop various other light/sound emitting/recording device off.
(customer) I was just . . .
(me) You know I could personally give a FUCK about your personal problems, if you can't spend the next 2hrs. with out being contacted electronically then maybe you should have stayed at the house.

(customer AFTER the movie is over) That movie was terrible!! I want my money back!!
(me) We don't guarantee that you will LIKE the movie, just that you will get to see it.

(customer AFTER ) There were people talking through the entire movie!!
(me) And your just NOW telling me? Just what exactly did you want me to do about it now? Maybe if you had gotten up DURING the movie, or said something to me when I was IN the move every 20min. checking for rude people, I could have done something. Now all I can do is look at you like your retarded.

Oh, movie ones:

Working in a video/music store:

Is Happy Feet out on DVD yet?

"No, it's not even in theatres yet."

But I just saw on TV that it was going to be (emphasis mine) released on (insert future theatre release date).

Scariest part, this conversation continued after that.


Some customer sees my Corps tattoo: Were you in the Marines?
(me) Yes.
(customer) Did you kill anyone?
(me) . . .(Most servicemen that HAVE been in combat would REALLY not like to be reminded of it, we don't want to think about, talk about, or remember what we have had to do. Not to mention that quite a few of us have to deal with PTSD, and asking this question may cause a reaction that could be VERY unfavorable to your health.)


"Yeah, would you like me to demonstrate how?"

"Yeah, would you like me to demonstrate how?"

Lol, I like that one

Another favorite that I'm sure ALL of the working people have heard:

Working hard, or hardly working?
My usual response: If I wrapped my hands around your throat would you be breathing hard, or hardly breathing?

Oh I know, I was just having fun with the observation that "things you shouldn't say" was nearly universally assumed to mean "because they are horribly rude, antisocial or otherwise a breach of ettiquette.

There are in fact a range of possibilities, including;

Things you shouldn't say because they'll put you in the happy home:

(see my list, goofball's list.)


Things you shouldn't say because you'll go broke:

"I read your email from Nigeria and I am moved to tears by your predicament. Here are my account numbers..."

"Of course I trust you, where do I sign?"


Things you shouldn't say because under certain conditions, they can get you killed:

"My blood type is... (anything other than your actual blood type)"

or

"I named my teddy bear Mohammed. Isn't that cute?"

Of course, most of the time these aren't things you WANT to say... but who knows?

Fair enough. So you're thinking of all possible categories of things you might want to say -- for smartass/ironic/joking/other effects -- that you shouldn't say either because they're impolite or could start a riot (either a mass riot or just some irate person tapdancing on your skull). Got it.

Something like going to a White Power/KKK/hardcore evangelist revival tent meeting in a rainbow t-shirt, short-shorts and a boom-box blaring Barabara Streisand, and asking where the young 'uns are?


angry customer: "if you can't fix this i'll speak to the manager!"
Me: "Oh i'll get the manager then, (even though the manager says exactly what i said, the only difference is he's wearing a suit jacket so he must know what he's doing)"
Manager: "go to hell" (that's not what the manager really says, but it's what they mean)
angry customer: "oh thank you for explaining it to me, your staff wasn't very helpful"
Me,(lieing little bastard, you wanted to rip my ears off before)"worried grin, sorry" (stupid ---)

This happens in a slightly different way when you're an assistant (lowest-ranked) professor, and new. Instead of students coming to you when they are dissatisfied, I find out about how I'm about to be shredded on evaluations from two and sometimes three levels up at my college. That's not supposed to happen, and when it does, the higher-ups are supposed to tell the student to shove off if they haven't complained through the proper channels yet (or they have and they've gotten no satisfaction or the problem IS with channels or there's legitimate fear of retribution, etc.). At the VERY least, the admins should tell the program director (aka chair of my particular department) to "fix it" and the chair helps me through observation and suggestions -- that's how new profs are supposed to improve. Instead, I get ambushed and blindsided by rotten comments on my evaluations that everyone else saw coming but me for my first two years because the old chair wouldn't tell me anything. Now the new chair isn't even getting the information from the admins who apparently have had "a parade" of students come to THEM to complain about something I had them do (extra rehearsals in my lowest-level, y'all come with or without experience choir...extra rehearsals which saved the Christmas concert from being an embarrassment) -- well that parade never went by my office, and now those negative reviews are being used against me. Folks, the inmates are running the asylum here. Sorry to vent on that.

Strangely enough, the nicest customers we get are Canadians, i don't know why, and some have a peculair habit of giving a little badge of the Canadian flag. but i liked serving people from other countries the most, usually unique in their mannerisms (or lack of)


I'd wager most Canadians display the red maple leaf prominently in order to avoid possibly being mistaken for Americans. Abroad, that can be...unfortunate. Hell, if I knew I were headed to most places outside the US, I'd snag a Canadian flag and sew it on my backpack, too. I'm polite enough to strangers and knowledgable enough about the rest of the world to pull it off. I'd have to modulate some of my vowel shapes, though (saying "sorry" like "sore-y" and so forth...three years in North Dakota has actually prepped me quite well).

funny:), oh i'd describe myself as i'm 9 feet 10 inches, well i was once, now my favourite ice cream sunday has to be strawberrry with lots of creamy stuff and those dinky chocolate flakes on it. now as for my political theories i'm fascinated by.....(pictures interviewers, fiddling with pens and paper in an attempt to occupy their drained brains, after 3 hours of my constant talking)....well as for that president of Kenya well, i'd give him what for eh? silly bugger now back to how soviet Russia was formed well.......(interviewers try to find a big enough piece of string to, tie around their necks).....Now i have so much in common with Mike Tyson, i mean i'm very prone to angry outbursts if someone hits me....etc you get the idea i think.
oh funny thread

I see, you "Mister Smoke-Too-Much" them to death. Cool. (M. Python reference to travel agent's office sketch).

I've had people argue over $0.02

Do you ever find that small amounts tend to be argued over by what appear to be wealthy people? I have. Aggravating.

I had someone argue with me over 10 cents once while I was working fast food, I reached into my pocket and gave them a dime, thought they would shut up, they did not

"I don't want your money, I want my money! It's the principle of the thing!"
"oh"

so I opened the cash drawer and pulled out about $2.00 in dimes, "pick which one is yours please" he picked one, I put my dime in the pile and put them all back in the drawer "NEXT!"

dumbass. (the customer)

"Pick out your principled dime" -- I love it!

mostly it's:

"have a fucking bath, shitsmear";

or "stop eating pies, you fat fuck";

or "get the fuck out of my way, dickwad";

or "hurry the fuck up or i will fucking mug you for the money you owe the cashier";

or "seriously pal, i care less about the state of your pocket than i do about the plight of fucking horses in fucking azerbaijan (not a fucking bit) so don't tell me the drinks are overpriced and do not tell me that was a twenty when it was very obviously a ten when i put it in the til, you disgusting, fat, overprivelidged little fucktard";

and variations on those themes.

I don't like you, leave me alone, don't talk to me, fuck off.

Don't ask dumbfuck questions.

I always want to walk up to idiot parents and say:

'You should never have had kids' or 'Ever heard of birth control?'

and every now and then

'Your a fucking idiot'

To my Grandma: I love you and I support you and your partner, but I honestly don't care that you are a lesbian. If I did, I would speak up against it or something. So please, quit telling me about it. I don't tell you about my heterosexuality.

To my dad: Lose weight, because you likely won't see 40.

To my mom: Quit yelling about everything. It pisses me off to be yelled at for not washing dishes that I DIDN't dirty up. It also pisses me off for yelling at me for being 20, and wanting to smoke a cigar now and then, when you smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, after the fact that you quit for a year and a half.

to my sister: Quit acting like a wanna be goth.. You are much better than that. Also, quit settling for such crappy boys and friends.

To my fat roommate: quit leaving your crap everywhere! You are not capable of being a decent human being since you fail to even flush the toilet after dropping a deuce! Also, quit jacking off at night while I am trying to sleep you sicko. Go to the bathroom or something to do it.

To white people: Screw you. I am tired of getting the damn forwards saying that white men are the largest minority group. You have bent ever other group of people over, in the last couple thousand years, and raped each of them with a sandpaper condom. So don't sit there and whine that certain groups are getting fair advantages to move up in society. If anything, they deserve it.

To those certain minority groups that are recieving benefits now: Good, you have a better chance than before. granted, it is not as good as it should be, but that is no excuse to sit and whine about. Work your ass off to get what you want. Life is not about getting hand outs. But as I said, yes, things are not as good as they should be. But it could be worse. So be happy with what you do have, and look forward to getting more through working hard.

To some of my fellow christians: You are damned hypocrits. Sunday school won't save you. Quit blaming the world for where it is at. You have been given an order to go and show a positive influence on the world. Well church, you have been lazy. And the few people that show any influence are those that show negative influence. So don't blame the US losing wars because we took prayer out of school. That is utter BS. Blame it on yourselves for not getting out into the community and supporting the poor, sick, and lost. You are a bunch of luke warm fools.


That is all...for now. :)

(me) Ma'am/Sir: I'm sorry but this theater does not allow outside food or drink.
(customer) I'm NOT paying that much for a drink/popcorn/candy here!!
(me) You don't HAVE to, no one is putting a gun to your head and MAKING you purchase our products, you just can't bring yours in, and having a drink/popcorn/candy in the movies is not a God given right.(I love the ones that say their Doctor says they HAVE to have a certain kind of whatever. I usually say: So you'll DIE if you can't have that for the next 2hrs.?)


I actually do have a note from my doctor that says I can bring my own food, but I only really use it for concerts, amusement parks, and baseball games.

I can live through a movie without snacks, I grew up poor, I didn't even ever have a soda or anything at the movies until my first date with hubby.

I actually do have a note from my doctor that says I can bring my own food, but I only really use it for concerts, amusement parks, and baseball games.

I can live through a movie without snacks, I grew up poor, I didn't even ever have a soda or anything at the movies until my first date with hubby.

Most amusement parks here, at least in Ontario, let you bring your own packed lunches without issue. It's quite common to see people with a packed lunch. It doesn't seem to stop people from buying the overpriced food though.

As for movies... lets just say my parents taught me a VERY valuable life lesson in how to smuggle outside food into the theatre. :)

Most amusement parks here, at least in Ontario, let you bring your own packed lunches without issue. It's quite common to see people with a packed lunch. It doesn't seem to stop people from buying the overpriced food though.

As for movies... lets just say my parents taught me a VERY valuable life lesson in how to smuggle outside food into the theatre. :)

Women have more hiding places than men, so I hear.......

Women have more hiding places than men, so I hear.......

And with so many men working as the ticket takers, who's going to frisk a woman at the risk of the shrieks and the risk of touching something that's taboo. ;)

From a part time job while I was still at school:
Customer one: Do you have any of X?
Me: I'll just check the backup
Me [5 minutes later]: Sorry, we don't have X
Customer 2, standing right next to the first: Do you have any X?
Me: No
Customer: But you haven't checked upstairs, so how do you know you haven't got any?
What I wanted to say: You just heard me tell the other person that you complete and utter fucktard.
Reality: I'll just check. Followed by skiving for a bit then. No we don't

From my current job:
I spend days wanting to tell one of the managers that he's an arrogant, moronic prick. [Somehow I don't]

Customer: If you're not busy can you help me carry this to my car?
Look around, can you see the number of other people waiting for stuff? Yes? Right then it's obviously too busy for me to carry that 40kgs of crap out to your car.
Or: If you knew you were going to need help why didn't you bring your husband/kids to help you carry it?
Or: If you're buying heavy stuff don't park half a fucking mile from the shop.

I don't mind helping old people get stuff to the cars, or people who didn't realise and ask nicely. But the ones who just expect you to drop everything and rush to do their bidding, those can go fuck themselves.

Another one is:
Why have you called my number when my stuff isn't down yet?
Correct response: It's an automated system, you goods will be here shortly.
What it's so obvious I want to say that the management rarely make me work on collection: You were watching me and you know that I didn't press any buttons. Stop blaming me for the failings of our computer system, grow a brain and learn to use it. If you can manage this you might just about stand a chance of becoming a productive member of the human race you parasitic little tick.

From people I've met:
American lady: Do they speak English in England.
What I wanted to say: Do you have any grasp of the language you've just used you inbred, fuckwitted, overweight whore. [the only reason I didn't is I'm usually polite to people for the first couple of minutes, longer and the sheer stupidity of their conversation is too much for me to hold back.]

Ah I think I'll stop there for the moment, its getting a bit long and too ranty.

From people I've met:
American lady: Do they speak English in England.
What I wanted to say: Do you have any grasp of the language you've just used you inbred, fuckwitted, overweight whore. [the only reason I didn't is I'm usually polite to people for the first couple of minutes, longer and the sheer stupidity of their conversation is too much for me to hold back.]

Ah I think I'll stop there for the moment, its getting a bit long and too ranty.

Conversation with my kid

"what language do they speak in England?"
"English"
"like we do?"
"no, we speak American, they speak actual English"
"which is better?"
"English"
"we should learn it"
"yep, we should"

From people I've met:
American lady: Do they speak English in England.
What I wanted to say: Do you have any grasp of the language you've just used you inbred, fuckwitted, overweight whore. [the only reason I didn't is I'm usually polite to people for the first couple of minutes, longer and the sheer stupidity of their conversation is too much for me to hold back.]

Ah I think I'll stop there for the moment, its getting a bit long and too ranty.
I got a fucking classic remark of "My, honey, York's not much like New York, is it?" by some Yanks the other day.

"Yes, because it's not on the coast at all, was bombed in World War Two and is a haven for the middle class, not some kind of weird disparity-stricken mass of humanity" is what I wanted to scream at them.

But no. Instead I kept my silence.

*sighs*

It's a boy! Sort of.

Oh, my kind of thread.
Classmates:

"I'm a private tech spy, and I want to tell you a secret: Your mobile phone has an off / mute button."

"This might sound crazy, but we've had an education reform recently and you're now allowed to use a font size bigger than 8 pt when preparing your overhead projector slides."

"I'm terribly sorry, but could you make sure you have adequate knowledge skills before entering uni/this class? I prefer to use the class time effectively and not have the learning experience disrupted by people asking whether Scandinavia is its own continent, thankyouverymuch."

"Would you mind all too much taking your fucking baby outside if it doesn't stop fucking crying for over five fucking minutes?"

lol on the subject of classmates, those annoying people who ask a question on something that was said by the lecturer one minute ago
i.e:
Lecturer: The test will be on Thursday covering topics 1-5
Stupid Student1: So what day will the test actually be on
Lecturer: Thursday
Stupid Student2: And what will the test be on
Lecturer: topics 1-5

Half time time what was just said is on the overhead what the hell can't they read. Or those that ask stupid questions during the lecture or try argue with the lecturer about something insignificant "Just shut the hell up this doesnt matter stop wasting my time"

Or than there are those international students who come to an English speaking institution and can't speak read or write in English why the hell did you come here, and why the hell did they let you in.

As for buses I really hate it when you are the only one on the bus and the guy comes and sits next to you a whole bus empty and you have to sit next to me piss off

And yes I work in a department store in the electronics section and you get people coming in asking for a Mario game for the PS3 or something like that not much you can say there just cringe. Of course when you have something on sale such as the Wii and they come in looking for it and when you say you have sold out and don't have any they say but it is in your catalogue its on sale sometimes you just want to say "Yes that is why we are sold out" or "Yes we know it is on sale that's why we hide it out the back so no one can buy any"

Kucinich/Alien Overlord '08

I think Kucinich could probably win the presidency if his freakishly hot wife did a lot of commercials for him while scantily clad, even with an Alien Overlord running mate.

:mp5::mp5::mp5::mp5::mp5::mp5::mp5:

Was with a buddy in High School at his girlfriends house. We were hanging out while her parents were out at a Hawaiin restuarant. They came home while we were still there. My buddy says hi as they walked in the door. He then promptly asked did you get "leid"? We left soon after.....

I got a fucking classic remark of "My, honey, York's not much like New York, is it?" by some Yanks the other day.

"Yes, because it's not on the coast at all, was bombed in World War Two and is a haven for the middle class, not some kind of weird disparity-stricken mass of humanity" is what I wanted to scream at them.

But no. Instead I kept my silence.

*sighs*


You can't believe they were being serious.

On the other side,

When people say:

You know what?

I have this annoying habit of replying:

Not yet but you're about to tell me.

I can see on their faces that they want to beat 10 shades of shit out of me but generally they say:

Yeah, yeah very funny but seriously, you know what?





Not yet...

You can't believe they were being serious.

This is similar to me saying to Italians:

I find it really amazing you've built a whole city based on a casino in Vegas!

Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they knife me :(

I worked at a theme park/water park for 3 summers. Always wanted to tell the land whales to cover up and waddle out of sight.

This is similar to me saying to Italians:

I find it really amazing you've built a whole city based on a casino in Vegas!

Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they knife me :(

You know I learned that you can say what you want if you are wearing a holstered gun where everyone can see it. Some Italian doesn't like what you say and pulls a knife you can say "Just like an Italian to bring a knife to a gunfight."

'Your a fucking idiot'
+1 for a bit of irony

hmm...things I'd like to say...

No, you can't get a fucking BLT. If you could, it would be on the menu.


Your daughter has the mental capacity of a retarded goldfish. Order for her, or you're getting whatever I choose to bring out.


No, there is nothing wrong with your beer. Yes, I am sure. I've tried all of them. This is your first time ordering it.

Yes, I double checked with the bartender. He agreed with me.

No, you can't get a fucking refund because you "don't like it". I warned you. Dipshit.



Yes, I understand that I said "Have you ever gotten novacaine", which was then leading into another part of my story. I clearly wasn't actually asking that, as I know you have, and you know it. It's a fucking phrase. It really doesn't require 20 minutes of you ranting about how I'm just like the other "elite" New Englanders.



If you didn't want a strong drink, why did you order from the section titled "Strongs/dbls/trpls/quads"?


No, I still can't make change.



I understand that your child worked very hard on this paper. It sucked. They fail.

I also understand that you probably wrote it for them. Must suck to fail a high school paper on the subject you wrote your doctoral dissertation on, eh? Work on your grammar. Then teach it to your retard of a child.



I don't care how much you complain. We still close at 1 AM


No, you still can't hit her, even if you did say please, you little ****.



If you don't stop making out in public, I'm going to pull down your pants and laugh at how small your penis is.



Sarky may be bitter tonight :)

Sarky may be bitter tonight :)
Is this about "Bad Day"?
:p

Just use the internet. There, things like "tact", "decency", "decorum" are just flights of fancy, and frankly, somewhat of a distraction from an otherwise interesting conversation.

Is this about "Bad Day"? Haha...less the cause, more the result. Although, when I look back upon this, I'll likely blame it on that ;)

Just use the internet. There, things like "tact", "decency", "decorum" are just flights of fancy, and frankly, somewhat of a distraction from an otherwise interesting conversation.

Haha...Ah, if only AIM didn't get rid of the chatrooms. Maybe I'll make a journey over to Stormfront or some other place where they deserve the verbal abuse...

Haha...less the cause, more the result. Although, when I look back upon this, I'll likely blame it on that ;)
Then i picked the right time to recline on the couch in the ol' robe watching Drawn Together. No regrets! :p

Haha...Ah, if only AIM didn't get rid of the chatrooms. Maybe I'll make a journey over to Stormfront or some other place where they deserve the verbal abuse...Never been to Stormfront. What's the perks on all that? Blood? Witty banter? Nudity? Coupons?

Then i picked the right time to recline on the couch in the ol' robe watching Drawn Together. No regrets! :p
Never been to Stormfront. What's the perks on all that? Blood? Witty banter? Nudity? Coupons?

Can't say I've ever been...but seems like a group of neonazi's are a prime target for irrational venting :)

Can't say I've ever been...but seems like a group of neonazi's are a prime target for irrational venting :)

Neonazis, eh?
*ponders*
We have enough intellectually challenged people visiting NS to keep it interesting in the "irrational venting" regard. Several religious and political threads spring aptly to mind.
:)

Neonazis, eh?
*ponders*
We have enough intellectually challenged people visiting NS to keep it interesting in the "irrational venting" regard. Several religious and political threads spring aptly to mind.
:)

Haha...sad as it may be, I almost feel bad about spontaneous venting on people around here.

...almost. ;)

Haha...sad as it may be, I almost feel bad about spontaneous venting on people around here.

...almost. ;)

The heart wants what the heart wants, dude.
*shrug*

Nothing I particularly wanted to say, but I generally get the urge every time I hear a person sniffing in (you know, when you hear them on the entire bus, you can really hear the snot going almost down their throat, and they repeat it every 2 minutes) to walk up to them and wordlessly but demonstratively hand them a pack of tissues...

I have been tempted on many an occasion, but never have said

"Being old doesn't mean you have earned the right to be an arsehole"

Nothing I particularly wanted to say, but I generally get the urge every time I hear a person sniffing in (you know, when you hear them on the entire bus, you can really hear the snot going almost down their throat, and they repeat it every 2 minutes) to walk up to them and wordlessly but demonstratively hand them a pack of tissues...

I do that. Regularly. I smile when I do it, and I thank them when they take it. I pretend to be a good human being. Most of the time.

I do that. Regularly. I smile when I do it, and I thank them when they take it. I pretend to be a good human being. Most of the time.

Well I'm gonna posit a theory on that. It is more disgusting and un-natural to blow snot out of your nose into a tissue, then it is to sniff it down your throat.

I have been tempted on many an occasion, but never have said

"Being old doesn't mean you have earned the right to be an arsehole"
Holy crap yes.

I was brought up to believe in respecting my elders, and that's what I do. It's reflex for me.

But the rudest person I've ever had to deal with in the long-term is an elderly woman in my building. She has literally shoved me when I was getting mail out of my mailbox and she wanted to get mail from hers. Like, she put her hand on my shoulder and shoved, without any preamble at all. I actually thought it must be a friend of mine horsing around, until I turned and saw this total stranger calmly getting her mail. She refuses to take her garbage to the trash chute (about 20 steps from her door), but instead simply leaves it sitting right outside her door until somebody else get sick of the smell and throws it away for her.

Now, this lady is not feeble, at least not physically. She doesn't appear to have any mobility problems or handicaps. She's buff enough to shove me off balance. She's buff enough to carry her trash to her door. She's just fucking rude and lazy. If she were my age I would already have had it out with her.

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

It is more disgusting and un-natural to blow snot out of your nose into a tissue, then it is to sniff it down your throat.

More disgusting: Well, that's a matter of personal taste, but I'll throw in the counter-hypothesis that the majority of people in my country find it to be more disgusting if someone is 'sniffing'.

Unnatural: I fit weren't meant to flow out of your nose, it wouldn't. Using a tissue is only sanitizing the natural way, other than sniffing, which overthrows the natural plan to have the material come out of your body in the least harmful (read: with the least contact of the potentially infectious material with other parts of your body) way.


No, I'm not in a humorous mood right now, why y'asking?

More disgusting: Well, that's a matter of personal taste, but I'll throw in the counter-hypothesis that the majority of people in my country find it to be more disgusting if someone is 'sniffing'.

Unnatural: I fit weren't meant to flow out of your nose, it wouldn't. Using a tissue is only sanitizing the natural way, other than sniffing, which overthrows the natural plan to have the material come out of your body in the least harmful (read: with the least contact of the potentially infectious material with other parts of your body) way.


No, I'm not in a humorous mood right now, why y'asking?

Ohhh on the contrary, sniffing and swallowing you own snot, which is probably running out of your nose due to illness helps fight the spread of disease.

Which in my book means you are acting in a more polite manner.:D

Mommy-isms I keep to myself

unless one of you is bleeding, broken, or otherwise in need of first aide I don't really care about your conflict

yes, this is what we are having for dinner, yes, I am aware you don't like it, no, I don't particularly care

I don't like geometry, it's stupid

A man invented Trig, and that's why it sucks so much

I don't like children, just you two, all of your friends are stupid and annoying and I wish to never have to converse with them again

Matt is not cute, he's horrible, his parents have the IQ of a ball of lint, I can't be around them anymore.

I don't think that's a picture of a frog, it doesn't look anything like a frog

Oh, yay! a ball of wet glue, glitter and crap! it's my favorite craft ever!

These stupid twits who wear spike heels and walk slow with their equally as useless friends, hogging up the side walk because they haven't figured out that there are other shoes that they can wear that actually allow them to walk piss me off. I don't know how many times I have contemplated yelling at them for taking up the sidewalk. "Look, shoes that let me walk and not look like I;m in pain! Imagine that! And look, I can zoom in circles around you!"

Then there's my sister in law. She wears too much make-up... I don't know how many times I've wanted to say to her, "you're an insecure bitch painted like a cheap tramp."

I don't like children, just you two, all of your friends are stupid and annoying and I wish to never have to converse with them again

That sounds remarkably like something my dad said to me when I was about 15 years old.

More disgusting: Well, that's a matter of personal taste, but I'll throw in the counter-hypothesis that the majority of people in my country find it to be more disgusting if someone is 'sniffing'.

Unnatural: I fit weren't meant to flow out of your nose, it wouldn't. Using a tissue is only sanitizing the natural way, other than sniffing, which overthrows the natural plan to have the material come out of your body in the least harmful (read: with the least contact of the potentially infectious material with other parts of your body) way.


No, I'm not in a humorous mood right now, why y'asking?

http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/19990830051838data_trunc_sys.shtml

http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/19990830051838data_trunc_sys.shtml

I knew it!

I knew it!

I think blowing your nose is disgusting too and if you have to do it, you should do it in private, like in the bathroom, far away from me.

Well I'm gonna posit a theory on that. It is more disgusting and un-natural to blow snot out of your nose into a tissue, then it is to sniff it down your throat.

True, but you only blow it out once, and then it's gone.
Sniffing it up means it'll be dripping out your nose again in a few minutes...

True, but you only blow it out once, and then it's gone.
Sniffing it up means it'll be dripping out your nose again in a few minutes...

What! Are you saying that if I have a cold and blow my nose once in the morning I'll not have to do it all day?

Naaa that don't sound right to me. However if you give a good hard sniff, then not only do you get sustenance, but you clear your airways, prevent others catching your germs, and get dirty looks from people in public!:p

I think blowing your nose is disgusting too and if you have to do it, you should do it in private, like in the bathroom, far away from me.

But sniffing it up isn't disgusting??? :eek:

But sniffing it up isn't disgusting??? :eek:

Tell that to my husband who would shove a tissue under my nose every time I sniffed while I was sick back at the end of December.

I am having a frustrating day, and have come upon a few key phrases I would like to shout at people, but I realize that it's neither socially responsible or even productive to do so.

I work with taxes, so the things I want to snap back are a bit different.

"You can't have two last names. Look up the word 'last.' It means there aren't anymore after it."

"You owe taxes because you didn't pay them. If you're going to report fake income for the EIC, you have to make sure you've got good fake proof."

"It's not your money until we give it to you."

"No we can't tell social security that you earned money off the books 30 years ago. If you earned it off the books you didn't tell us about it."

"It doesn't matter if your neighbor said you can claim her kids. That just means you're both committing fraud."

And the one I would just love to say to people:

"Do you realize you're cursing at a guy who has your name, address, and social security number?"

To white people: Screw you. I am tired of getting the damn forwards saying that white men are the largest minority group. You have bent ever other group of people over, in the last couple thousand years, and raped each of them with a sandpaper condom. So don't sit there and whine that certain groups are getting fair advantages to move up in society. If anything, they deserve it.


To people who say stuff like that: *I* have never owned a slave. *I* Have never disenfranchized anybody. *I* have never bent anyone over (Except a few willing sex partners BWAHAHAHAHA) nor have I ever raped anyone.

So that statement is false.

(Note: Technically I am hispanic, but more precisely I am a half-breed and I look more white than latino.)

(Note: Still luv ya, Zilam.)

The average person swallows about a quart of nasal mucus every day.

What! Are you saying that if I have a cold and blow my nose once in the morning I'll not have to do it all day?

Naaa that don't sound right to me. However if you give a good hard sniff, then not only do you get sustenance, but you clear your airways, prevent others catching your germs, and get dirty looks from people in public!:p

Not to mention you get a quick little snack!

The average person swallows about a quart of nasal mucus every day.

Ummm nasal mucus!

To some of my less intelligent colleagues:

"RTFF!"

or, "Read The File. The information you asked me for is on your client file. Don't ask me for it again, or I will booby trap your chair, and tape fishfingers under your desk"

And every morning on the tube to work:

"Sir / Madam*. You are chewing gum with your mouth open / listening to your MP3 player on full volume / chatting to someone on your mobile phone about the inane / overly graphic details of your personal life*. Please desist, or I will forcibly remove the offending item, place it in a plastic bag, grind it underfoot, and drop it out of the window."

* Delete as appropriate.

Well I'm gonna posit a theory on that. It is more disgusting and un-natural to blow snot out of your nose into a tissue, then it is to sniff it down your throat.

Then how come animals blow snot out of their noses instead of sniffing it back up.

Did you ever see a cat with allergies? They will hurl snot out of their noses.

The average person swallows about a quart of nasal mucus every day.

Ummm nasal mucus!

Wait... that's it... My ticket to millions!

Flavored Nasal Spray!

Comes in Cherry, Lime, Banana and Apple! Spray it up your nose when you have a cold, so when you sniffle it back, you get a tasty treat!

It's brilliant. Of course, I'd share a cut with Bottle and Peepelonia, for the idea and all... but at last, to be able to retire in wealth...

Then how come animals blow snot out of their noses instead of sniffing it back up.

Did you ever see a cat with allergies? They will hurl snot out of their noses.

Because they have not got the brain capacity to come up with anti spreading germ strategies like snot gobbling, they are indeed at the mercy of the micro-organisms responsible for the runny nose.

Wait... that's it... My ticket to millions!

Flavored Nasal Spray!

Comes in Cherry, Lime, Banana and Apple! Spray it up your nose when you have a cold, so when you sniffle it back, you get a tasty treat!

It's brilliant. Of course, I'd share a cut with Bottle and Peepelonia, for the idea and all... but at last, to be able to retire in wealth...

Yeah baby!

Cats clean their genitals and anus by licking them.

In fairness, if all humans could do it, most of us would never have to leave the house...

anyone else frustrated and in need of a short rant?This happened a while back, but I had the stong urge to say "Now that's just FUCKING stupid!" to someone.

I didn't, because he was the bus driver, and so in favor of me getting to my destination, I let his explanation of why we needed to lock the bus ("Because 9/11 changed the country.") slide.

Then how come animals blow snot out of their noses instead of sniffing it back up.

Did you ever see a cat with allergies? They will hurl snot out of their noses.
Cats clean their genitals and anus by licking them.

Well possible, but can't they do it quietly???

But...but... how would we annoy our fellow humans?

Wait... that's it... My ticket to millions!

Flavored Nasal Spray!

Comes in Cherry, Lime, Banana and Apple! Spray it up your nose when you have a cold, so when you sniffle it back, you get a tasty treat!

It's brilliant. Of course, I'd share a cut with Bottle and Peepelonia, for the idea and all... but at last, to be able to retire in wealth...
Considering that there's a market for pills that make your poop glitter, I'd say you may be on to something...

http://www.neatorama.com/2007/12/12/gold-pills-make-your-poop-glitter/

Considering that there's a market for pills that make your poop glitter, I'd say you may be on to something...

http://www.neatorama.com/2007/12/12/gold-pills-make-your-poop-glitter/

I think, with that, I've officially seen everything.

The average person swallows about a quart of nasal mucus every day.

Well possible, but can't they do it quietly???

And with so many men working as the ticket takers, who's going to frisk a woman at the risk of the shrieks and the risk of touching something that's taboo. ;)
*cops a feel*
*discovers hidden candy stash*
Considering that there's a market for pills that make your poop glitter, I'd say you may be on to something...

http://www.neatorama.com/2007/12/12/gold-pills-make-your-poop-glitter/

Dublin Zoo did this to its rhinos. Testing a dung sample showed that one of the females was pregnant. Problem was that one pile of rhino shit is kind of indistinguishable from another pile of rhino shit. So they added different coloured glitter to the females' food, thus personalising their poop. They figure it's a stroke of genius that zoos the world over will be copying.

Considering that there's a market for pills that make your poop glitter, I'd say you may be on to something...

http://www.neatorama.com/2007/12/12/gold-pills-make-your-poop-glitter/

I ... I didn't just read that, did I?

I ... I didn't just read that, did I?

I bet you thought of trying it too... Didn't you?

..or at least forwarding the link to somebody.

ADMIT IT

;) :p

I bet you thought of trying it too... Didn't you?

..or at least forwarding the link to somebody.

ADMIT IT

;) :p

You have NO PROOF of that. NO PROOF, I tell you!!! :p

*sends on link*

*cops a feel*
*discovers hidden candy stash*

:eek: HEY! That's mine! Give it back! Don't make me tickle you!

:eek: HEY! That's mine! Give it back! Don't make me tickle you!

*flees from impending weasel attack*


Also, how has something like this not already happened to you? Never went on a date to teh cimena?

*flees from impending weasel attack*


Also, how has something like this not already happened to you? Never went on a date to teh cimena?What kind of cinemas do you get frisked in?

What kind of cinemas do you get frisked in?

The kind that your boyfriend brings you to.

Also, you're two posts away from retirement Kyro.

The kind that your boyfriend brings you to.I don't have a boyfriend though. Hm... maybe I shouldn't say that to people...

*flees from impending weasel attack*


Also, how has something like this not already happened to you? Never went on a date to teh cimena?

Not in the habit of it. :)

The kind that your boyfriend brings you to.

Also, you're two posts away from retirement Kyro.

You said 15,999, NOT 14,999! :p

http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/19990830051838data_trunc_sys.shtml
I always prefer to stand corrected but more educated instead of apparently correct but ignorant, but there are some things wrong with that article in relation to this discussion, mainly that it's not about the relative advantage of sniffing over blowing (your nose, you pervs!), but only describes the disadvantages of blowing (and compares it to such irrelevant things as coughing and sneezing, as if those were alternatives to sniffing). It sure says that blowing can help spread/aggravate the disease, but it never says a word about whether sniffing does or does not help spread/aggravate it as much or more.

(And yes, I know I sound like an uptight ass and should relax more and not take this subject this seriously, but I feel like an uptight ass right now so let me be. That's vaguely on-topic behavior, okay?)

I think blowing your nose is disgusting too and if you have to do it, you should do it in private, like in the bathroom, far away from me.

I agree and I'll stare down everyone who feels it is appropriate to blow their nose anywhere close to me/my face and/or facing me (you know, like those people you eat with, facing each other over a small table, and then, without stopping talking/listening to you, they take out their tissue and blow their nose?). However, I much prefer them turning around / walking a few steps away and blow their nose to them sniffing anywhere remotely near me, and if it must be, I also prefer someone blowing their nose right next to me than them sniffing right next to me.

I don't have a boyfriend though. Hm... maybe I shouldn't say that to people...
And this is why you don't get frisked in the cinema.
Not in the habit of it. :)
Don't want him going after your candy?



You said 15,999, NOT 14,999! :p

Oh yeah.......I'm getting senile in my old age.

Don't want him going after your candy?





Oh yeah.......I'm getting senile in my old age.

Doesn't stop him though. :D

And last I checked, you're younger than me! :)

Doesn't stop him though. :D
Naughty

And last I checked, you're younger than me! :)

I am. Old woman!

*flees*

It's a boy! Sort of.

Outstanding! I think of things like: "IT'S A... uh... er... what is it?"

On the other side,

When people say:

You know what?

I have this annoying habit of replying:

Not yet but you're about to tell me.

I can see on their faces that they want to beat 10 shades of shit out of me but generally they say:

Yeah, yeah very funny but seriously, you know what?





Not yet...

My family was fond of the standard reply:

"Do you know what?"

"No. Do you know who?"

You can't believe they were being serious.
They were being super serial.

I get fed up with people who, when leaving a sizeable venue, immediately stop either within or just outside one of the doors leading out. I don't know if they're trying to remember where they parked their Chrysler Bourgemobile or if they're duscussing the event they just came to see -- all I know is that they are A CLOT OF FATHEADEDNESS IN THE EGRESSIONAL ARTERY and need to move it the fuck out of the way! And God help you if you ask them, even politely, to move. You'll get one of two looks: A) like they're Queen Shit and how dare you make such a request, or B) like a bunch of dogs that have just been shown a card trick.

IT'S A DOORWAY, you assholes!

[/rant]

Considering that there's a market for pills that make your poop glitter, I'd say you may be on to something...

http://www.neatorama.com/2007/12/12/gold-pills-make-your-poop-glitter/
why gold... alumnimum flakes would work just as well.

er... I suppose they would...

I get fed up with people who, when leaving a sizeable venue, immediately stop either within or just outside one of the doors leading out. I don't know if they're trying to remember where they parked their Chrysler Bourgemobile or if they're duscussing the event they just came to see -- all I know is that they are A CLOT OF FATHEADEDNESS IN THE EGRESSIONAL ARTERY and need to move it the fuck out of the way! And God help you if you ask them, even politely, to move. You'll get one of two looks: A) like they're Queen Shit and how dare you make such a request, or B) like a bunch of dogs that have just been shown a card trick.

IT'S A DOORWAY, you assholes!

[/rant]
oh, and large groups of people that have to walk side by side down a narrow corridor moving at a whopping 1 step every 3 seconds...

and those that stop in the middle of a corridor to hold conversations with others. those I join in and when they ask who am I, I just reply
"someone who is forced to join in because you're stopping all movement in this corridor."

man the looks they give me... :rolleyes:

why gold... alumnimum flakes would work just as well.

er... I suppose they would...

Gold is much more decadent. :)

I think, with that, I've officially seen everything.

Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head? :D
I love that movie and use that quote every chance I get

Here's a few from me, though:

When I'm visiting my parents:

"Dad, your political ideas are stupid . . . Islamofascism is a stupid term, and you are an idiot if you take it seriously . . . No, Fox News [sic] Channel is not a good example of journalism . . . No, Iraq had no connection to al-Qaeda, nor did it have WMDs . . . What?! You think that Governor Sonny Perdue's plan to get through the drought [praying for rain] is a good idea?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

or, and abbreviated version: "Please, just shut up. You're embarrassing yourself."

Yeah... I almost got kicked out the house when I visited over thanksgiving break because I cam very close to saying some of these things.

When I'm on the bus:

When people realize that the bus doesn't go where they think it goes, and they beg the driver to stop at a place other than a bus stop so they can get off:
"Dumb bitch(es), you should have fucking checked where the fucking bus went before you got on. If you really didn't know, you could ask the damn bus driver. They know all the routes and could have told you which bus to take."

"Do I fucking look like I want to talk to you? I'm trying to read/work on an assignment/listen to music here. If I wanted to talk right now, I would have put my book/paper/iPod away when you sat down."

"You smell like shit. Why the fuck did you sit next to me?"

"Stop bitching about how hard your class is. I've already taken that damn class, and almost everybody gets an A."

"Hey you, all the way in he front/back! I can here you from all damn the way back/up here! If you can't control the volume of your voice, then shut the fuck up!"

"Hey, bus driver! The bus was supposed to leave here 10 fucking minutes ago! Stop socializing with the other bus drivers, get on the bus, and do your fucking job!" (It's always the same guy, too.)

Other general ones:
"Yes, we have, in fact, heard about Jesus. Trust me. We all have. Yes, we are aware of what the Bible says; no, we don't fucking care. Shut up and go away." (Seriously! Why is it that most Christians seem to think that if people only knew that the Bible said that their religion was correct, we'd convert? Newsflash: We fucking know that the Bible says that you're right. It's not like the reason that we aren't Christians is that, while we trust the Bible, we're unaware of its contents. We just think it's fucking wrong.)
Then again, I sometimes do say the above one. Without the rant that I have in parenthesis, though.

"No, I don't support Dawkter Ron Paul. He's a fucking racist nutjob, and has a shit load of batshit insane ideas. Shut up about him already, you don't need to spam every fucking youtube video's comments with "Ron Paul 08." You don't need to fucking tell me about Ron Paul every fucking day. You don't need to turn every single one of our conversations into being about Dawkter Paul. Yes, if we're discussing politics, then I'll talk about Ron Paul with you. But can we get back to talking about what were were discussing before you changed the subject?" (I have way too many friends who are Paultards.)

"No, I don't want to talk to you. I fucking hate you, that's why."

I work in a complex near my home that houses the local volunteer fire department, a bar and a bowling alley (try to figure out that one), and typically they have me work in the bar and the bowling alley (this one for several years now). And boy do I have a good number of frustrating stories I could tell. However time is against me as I leave for said job in a few minutes so here are a few choice ones.

*Generic customer holding food item and looking towards seating area for bowling lanes* - “Can I take this in there?”

*I point to a sign directly over their head and at every entry point into seating area which quite simply states* - ‘No food, beverage or outside footwear beyond this point.’

(What I’d like to say) – “No you God damned well can’t and if you could read you’d know that.”


*Insert generic customer here* - “Where are the washrooms?”

*I point just down the way towards where they came in the building at (which happens to have a nice big sign)* - “That way and too the left.”

(What I’d like to say) – “Read the God damned sign!”

(I tend to want to curse at my customers a lot if you haven’t figured it out yet, heh)

*I watch as someone stands up, picks up a bowling ball (this is ten pin so we’re talking the large balls with finger holes) and throw it down the lane while the rake (a giant metal bar) is still blocking the pins as it’s still cycling them. Promptly I come over to walk down the lane and get the ball and they typically add a sorry as I go by (sometimes for the third time in a row)*

(What I’d like to do as I walk past them) – “Do you have some mental illness I need to be aware of that you can’t spot a ****ing giant metal bar blocking the lane? At what point does that tell you, ‘Oh, that must mean I can throw the ball down’!”


*While working in the bar*

“I’d like a Caesar please.”

“Alright.”

*Two minutes later I come back with a glass with one shot of Vodka and a mix of tomato juice*

“That’s four-fifty.”

“What, normally its only a dollar forty.”

“Well you asked for a Caesar.”

“No, I wanted a Virgin Caesar.”

(So wanted to slap him)