NationStates Jolt Archive

Apparently Weekend at Bernies is harder to pull off in real life. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/09/nyregion/09dead.html?em&ex=1200027600&en=0c6b42309b291259&ei=5087%0A God i love NYC.

need to have dat voudoun for dat body. :D

That movie is godly.

Those two are rank amateurs, they coulnd't even keep up the pretense for 1/2 an hour, let alone a whole weekend! :p

Today had a lot of funny news.
http://www.kgan.com/template/inews_wire/wires.national/2e80b687-www.kgan.com.shtml
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22571847/
http://www.policelink.com/news/articles/8986-chief-convicted-fired-for-stealing-beer-from-firefighters
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/tx/5441067.html
and it happened in Florida ...
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/treasurecoast/content/tcoast/epaper/2008/01/07/0107slgun.html?imw=Y

"Corpse Wheeled to Check-Cashing Store Leads to 2 Arrests"

LMAO

I can just see somebody saying "Here, let's wheel this corpse to a check-cashing store so that it can lead us to 2 arrests!" :D
Or the corpse saying "Follow me to the check-cashing store, guys, and you'll see 2 arrests!"

Some other newspaper headline gems:

"Murdered Mayor Leaves Town Stunned" - The murdered mayor was stunned as he left town?
It means the town was stunned by the murder of the mayor.
"Judge: Police Can Stop Fleeing People" - "Officer! Come back! The judge said you don't have to run away from us anymore!"
This one means police can go after people who try to get away when police show up.
"Bredesen Signs Toughened Anti-Meth Law" - So Bredesen made some signs (think picket signs) that somehow toughened an anti-meth law? Or did he toughen it with Sign Language?
Here, Tennessee Governor Phil Bredesen signed a toughened law against methamphetamines.
"Jail Plans To Be Finalized" - And how does a jail make any plans to be finalized?
It is a reference to a County Commission finalizing plans for a jail.
"Rain Clouds Welcome At Airport" - Welcome to the airport, rain clouds!
There was a welcome at the airport, which was "clouded" by rain.
"20-Year Friendship Ends At Altar" - I don't know whether to be happy or sad for them.
They got married.
"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies" - You mean bake them right along with the cookies?
It means "Let your children participate or help you".
"Pastor Aghast At First Lady Sex Position" - Then he shouldn't look!
I got this one out of a book, which didn't have the accompanying article, but I assume it means the pastor of a church disagreed with the First Lady on sex education.

LMAO.

Man I love this city! :cool:

"Corpse Wheeled to Check-Cashing Store Leads to 2 Arrests"

LMAO

I can just see somebody saying "Here, let's wheel this corpse to a check-cashing store so that it can lead us to 2 arrests!" :D
Or the corpse saying "Follow me to the check-cashing store, guys, and you'll see 2 arrests!"

Some other newspaper headline gems:

"Murdered Mayor Leaves Town Stunned" - The murdered mayor was stunned as he left town?
It means the town was stunned by the murder of the mayor.
"Judge: Police Can Stop Fleeing People" - "Officer! Come back! The judge said you don't have to run away from us anymore!"
This one means police can go after people who try to get away when police show up.
"Bredesen Signs Toughened Anti-Meth Law" - So Bredesen made some signs (think picket signs) that somehow toughened an anti-meth law? Or did he toughen it with Sign Language?
Here, Tennessee Governor Phil Bredesen signed a toughened law against methamphetamines.
"Jail Plans To Be Finalized" - And how does a jail make any plans to be finalized?
It is a reference to a County Commission finalizing plans for a jail.
"Rain Clouds Welcome At Airport" - Welcome to the airport, rain clouds!
There was a welcome at the airport, which was "clouded" by rain.
"20-Year Friendship Ends At Altar" - I don't know whether to be happy or sad for them.
They got married.
"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies" - You mean bake them right along with the cookies?
It means "Let your children participate or help you".
"Pastor Aghast At First Lady Sex Position" - Then he shouldn't look!
I got this one out of a book, which didn't have the accompanying article, but I assume it means the pastor of a church disagreed with the First Lady on sex education.

You should look up a book called "Anguished English", by Richard Lederer; it has a whole section on newspaper headlines that can be taken both ways. (Actually, the last quote comes from there, so you may already.) Perhaps my favourite is "War Dims Hope For Peace", although "Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One" comes close.

You should look up a book called "Anguished English", by Richard Lederer; it has a whole section on newspaper headlines that can be taken both ways. (Actually, the last quote comes from there, so you may already.) Perhaps my favourite is "War Dims Hope For Peace", although "Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One" comes close.

I already have that book! That's where I got those from! Many of them. Some I read in local newspapers ("Bredesen Signs Toughened Anti-Meth Law", "Jail Plans To Be Finalized").

:D LOL

"Jail May Have To Close Doors" - Well, DUH!

"Smokers Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency" - "Yeah, this So-and-so guy has gotten really inefficient ever since he died 6 months ago."

"Miners Refuse To Work After Death" - "Sorry, boss, we're only gonna work until we die; after that, we're looking for another job!"

"Autos Killing 110 A Day; Let's Resolve To Do Better" - You mean 110 is not enough?

"Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 In '84" - Were the drunk drivers paying or being paid? "(hiccup)Uh thanksh for th' thouzhand bucks, osshifer!"

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While" - well, DUH! (again)

"Hershey Bars Protest" (this one is illustrated by Hershey bars with arms and legs, holding up signs with "No!" written on them)

"Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One"

You mean make sure they contract it too? lol :D

And we would have gotten away with it too, had it not been for those meddeling kids!

You mean make sure they contract it too? lol :D

It was meant to be "Injection", but I guess there was a typo....

Also:

"Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped" -- I don't wanna think too much about that one...

"Ike Says Nixon Can't Stand Pat" -- Yeah, Nixon really doesn't like 'er.

"Farmer Bill Dies In House" -- He was 76.

"Man Shot; Police Suspect Homicide" -- As opposed to what? I don't actually remember the proper text of this one.

You should look up a book called "Anguished English", by Richard Lederer; it has a whole section on newspaper headlines that can be taken both ways. (Actually, the last quote comes from there, so you may already.) Perhaps my favourite is "War Dims Hope For Peace", although "Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One" comes close.

Get Thee to a Punnery and his other books are also a riot.

that's why I like Leno's Headlines.