NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm sure everyone has gone through a period in their lives where they've grown apart from a friend, either naturally or through conflict. A few months ago, I had a massive falling out with a good friend. At the time I believed that the cause for conflict originated with him, but I eventually realised that it was me who was being selfish and generally shitty company. Naturally, once I realised this, I apologised to the best of my ability, and promised it'd never happen again - but the friendship seems irreparably broken. Things are not the same as they used to be, we don't communicate the same way, conversations are awkward and stilted, and often he seems uncomfortable around me. We also don't spend any time together now.

I regret my actions and wish that I could undo them, but I realise that's not possible. As I've apologised, I'm completely at a loss on how to fix this, because I value him as a friend and never intended to push him so far away.

I guess my question is this: has anyone on NSG had a similar experience, then recovered a friendship from what seemed like an impossible to fix scenario? I'd really like to make up with him, but I really don't know how. :(

i suggest making time for him. call him up. invite him over to do stuff. whatever you used to do together.

the more post blow up good times you manage to have the less important the blow up will be.

put in the effort even if it isnt fun for now. if the friendship can be repaired, then in the course of time it will be. if it cant be repaired, let him be the one who decides to quit hanging out with you.

I've found that sometimes it takes a blowout to really cement a friendship IF the friendship survives the blowout.

The friends whom I've argued with are invariably closer to me than the ones I haven't. I guess it's a matter of putting it to the test and feeling safe when it holds.

I've had a similar situation that turned out similar to yours. The reason why things aren't the same is because at some point during the course of the feud you each saw something of the other that you may not have realized existed before, and it's permanently changed the way you see each other. For your friendship to survive and recover, it's going to have to adapt to that. It can't be exactly as it was because you don't see each other as the same people as before.

Maybe your friend saw your ugly side he didn't know you had. Maybe you don't trust his point of view as you once did. In any case, it's like making friends with a new person. The question for each of you is: Is this new person the sort of person I'd be close friends with?

The question for each of you is: Is this new person the sort of person I'd be close friends with?

See, I think this may be the problem - I'm not sure he'd like to be friends with me, now he's seen that side of my personality. I'm not sure yet if this is a matter of futility. It seems quite possible, at the moment, that we'll never really be friends again. I suppose I'm dealing with loss, in a way.

See, I think this may be the problem - I'm not sure he'd like to be friends with me, now he's seen that side of my personality. I'm not sure yet if this is a matter of futility. It seems quite possible, at the moment, that we'll never really be friends again. I suppose I'm dealing with loss, in a way.

What exactly transpired in the falling out? Depending on what happened or was said, it might or might not be irrepairable. And what was the conflict about. Specifically.

More info would help.:)

What exactly transpired in the falling out? Depending on what happened or was said, it might or might not be irrepairable. And what was the conflict about. Specifically.

More info would help.:)

It's quite complicated, but I'll try to summarise it.

I've only known him for about four months. He's my flatmate, and when we first moved in, we hit it off really well and had a blast, and seemed to grow close very (possibly too) quickly - he broke up with his girlfriend and I was the one providing emotional support etc., as it's both our first time living away from home, and he's not from around here. In those first few months I suffered from really bad depression and lonliness, and sought comfort from him, but it dragged on and on, and he got tired of me coming to him with all my emotional baggage. He claimed every conversation eventually devolved into me offloading a load of emotional shit, and he was right. I wasn't good company at all. I was very self-centered.

This makes him sound like a complete dick, but it's not that he didn't provide me with support (because he did), it's that I needed supporting all the time, and he got tired of having to be there for me after every little bump in the road.

Anyway, it seemed that quite suddenly he stopped wanting to spend time with me, because my depression made any interaction a chore, and that just worsened it. He eventually blew up and we stopped talking for a while, but after we apologised, we sorta became amicable again, but there's zero friendship there now, at least from my perspective - and that upsets me.

Something that really hurts me, though, is that I find him attractive (and he knows this) yet he keeps going out of his way to mention the men he's slept with the night before. He either doesn't realise this really fucking hurts, or is trying to send a really obvious message of "go away".

You know, when I type it all out, it looks like a really unhealthy relationship. I still can't get away from the desire to be friends with him, though, because in between the shit and the piss we had fun.

See, I think this may be the problem - I'm not sure he'd like to be friends with me, now he's seen that side of my personality. I'm not sure yet if this is a matter of futility. It seems quite possible, at the moment, that we'll never really be friends again. I suppose I'm dealing with loss, in a way.

Possibly, although the only possible cure for that is to give him time to see that you've corrected the problem that caused the issues to begin with.

It's quite complicated, but I'll try to summarise it. Something that really hurts me, though, is that I find him attractive (and he knows this) yet he keeps going out of his way to mention the men he's slept with the night before. He either doesn't realise this really fucking hurts, or is trying to send a really obvious message of "go away".


Is this friendship furtehr complicated by a sexual component? (This is my diplomatic way of asking if you've already slept together)

Is this friendship furtehr complicated by a sexual component? (This is my diplomatic way of asking if you've already slept together)

A few weeks after meeting, yes, we slept together.

A few weeks after meeting, yes, we slept together.

Well... I guess unless it was an ongoing thing it's probably not going to make much difference, depending on how much pressure he feels from you to turn it into more than just a friendship.

Well... I guess unless it was an ongoing thing it's probably not going to make much difference, depending on how much pressure he feels from you to turn it into more than just a friendship.

It was a one time thing at the time, however a few months later, after some of the shit hit the fan, I came onto him while drunk and now he seems fairly wary of being anywhere near me.

The key to fixing a broken friendship is glue and duct tape.

It was a one time thing at the time, however a few months later, after some of the shit hit the fan, I came onto him while drunk and now he seems fairly wary of being anywhere near me.

Is it possible that this incident has more to do with the current weirdness than the argument?

stop being a vagina and realize he just thinks your some emo kid?

sorry to have to be the asshat, but you have got on his nerves with your feely feelings and you have hoped to correct this by showing you have feely feelings of regret that your feely feeling him to death (and then decided to post these feely feelings on the Internet for all to hear :p)

I say give 2 weeks and then ask to go out for some big night of drinking and such

Is it possible that this incident has more to do with the current weirdness than the argument?

I think it's a combination of both, but judging by him making overt references to sleeping with someone else, I think he's trying to send a message. It's probably difficult to believe, but although I find him attractive and would like a relationship with him, I know it's not possible and wouldn't pursue it. I want to be his friend first and foremost.

stop being a vagina and realize he just thinks your some emo kid?

sorry to have to be the asshat, but you have got on his nerves with your feely feelings and you have hoped to correct this by showing you have feely feelings of regret that your feely feeling him to death

I say give 2 weeks and then ask to go out for some big night of drinking and such

Rofl, you're absolutely right. :D I fully recognise the lameness of the situation.

I think it's a combination of both, but judging by him making overt references to sleeping with someone else, I think he's trying to send a message. It's probably difficult to believe, but although I find him attractive and would like a relationship with him, I know it's not possible and wouldn't pursue it. I want to be his friend first and foremost.

Well I hate to say this, but it sounds very similar to the classic "being friends after a breakup" situation. By not giving it time (and I mean LOTS of time) for time to heal the wounds, the relationship becomes redefined by that uncomfortable weirdness that makes it impossible to just be at ease and content.

Are you still roommates?

It's quite complicated, but I'll try to summarise it.

I've only known him for about four months. He's my flatmate, and when we first moved in, we hit it off really well and had a blast, and seemed to grow close very (possibly too) quickly - he broke up with his girlfriend and I was the one providing emotional support etc., as it's both our first time living away from home, and he's not from around here. In those first few months I suffered from really bad depression and lonliness, and sought comfort from him, but it dragged on and on, and he got tired of me coming to him with all my emotional baggage. He claimed every conversation eventually devolved into me offloading a load of emotional shit, and he was right. I wasn't good company at all. I was very self-centered.

This makes him sound like a complete dick, but it's not that he didn't provide me with support (because he did), it's that I needed supporting all the time, and he got tired of having to be there for me after every little bump in the road.

Anyway, it seemed that quite suddenly he stopped wanting to spend time with me, because my depression made any interaction a chore, and that just worsened it. He eventually blew up and we stopped talking for a while, but after we apologised, we sorta became amicable again, but there's zero friendship there now, at least from my perspective - and that upsets me.

Something that really hurts me, though, is that I find him attractive (and he knows this) yet he keeps going out of his way to mention the men he's slept with the night before. He either doesn't realise this really fucking hurts, or is trying to send a really obvious message of "go away".

You know, when I type it all out, it looks like a really unhealthy relationship. I still can't get away from the desire to be friends with him, though, because in between the shit and the piss we had fun.

you need to move on. you mixed sex with friendship and now its just not going to work.

Well I hate to say this, but it sounds very similar to the classic "being friends after a breakup" situation. By not giving it time (and I mean LOTS of time) for time to heal the wounds, the relationship becomes redefined by that uncomfortable weirdness that makes it impossible to just be at ease and content.

Are you still roommates?

Yes, and will be until the end of 2008.

Yes, and will be until the end of 2008.

Ouchie.

I was going to suggest getting separate accomodations. By being forced to continue to share a home, it's only going to get worse unless you guys just start to ignore each other completely.

Do you have mutual friends? Perhaps you could hang out in a group until the awkwardness goes away?

Yes, and will be until the end of 2008.

I think some time is needed. Let the dust settle for a good long while before doing anything beyond exchanging pleasantries. Then work back into a friendship slowly and without making a big deal about it. Don't write a letter, don't even explain yourself. Just let things progress. The more casual it all is, the more chance you have of salvaging this friendship.

You could throw a big party with mates around, or throw a big hammer at him (but i wouldn't recommend this if he's sober).
Sounds a little ugly, but i'd prefer not to tell you what to do, so i guess talking to him (possibly) but i have no idea.
Or ignore him and get new mates.

You could throw a big party with mates around, or throw a big hammer at him (but i wouldn't recommend this if he's sober).
Sounds a little ugly, but i'd prefer not to tell you what to do, so i guess talking to him (possibly) but i have no idea.
Or ignore him and get new mates.

Well, your suggestion might seem rather random to some people, but I recognize the "principle of relative brokenness."

"In case of broken A, throw unbroken B. Thence, A is relatively LESS broken than it was." ;)

The Mindset, I had that problem once and I never did manage to fix it. Perhaps look around for a way to swap rooms with some other person... your flat-mate might be feeling a bit trapped, like you want some commitment from him he's not up for.

I'm sure everyone has gone through a period in their lives where they've grown apart from a friend, either naturally or through conflict. A few months ago, I had a massive falling out with a good friend. At the time I believed that the cause for conflict originated with him, but I eventually realised that it was me who was being selfish and generally shitty company. Naturally, once I realised this, I apologised to the best of my ability, and promised it'd never happen again - but the friendship seems irreparably broken. Things are not the same as they used to be, we don't communicate the same way, conversations are awkward and stilted, and often he seems uncomfortable around me. We also don't spend any time together now.

I regret my actions and wish that I could undo them, but I realise that's not possible. As I've apologised, I'm completely at a loss on how to fix this, because I value him as a friend and never intended to push him so far away.

I guess my question is this: has anyone on NSG had a similar experience, then recovered a friendship from what seemed like an impossible to fix scenario? I'd really like to make up with him, but I really don't know how. :(

You have said sorry, so the ball is in his court.

It's quite complicated, but I'll try to summarise it.

I've only known him for about four months. He's my flatmate, and when we first moved in, we hit it off really well and had a blast, and seemed to grow close very (possibly too) quickly - he broke up with his girlfriend and I was the one providing emotional support etc., as it's both our first time living away from home, and he's not from around here. In those first few months I suffered from really bad depression and lonliness, and sought comfort from him, but it dragged on and on, and he got tired of me coming to him with all my emotional baggage. He claimed every conversation eventually devolved into me offloading a load of emotional shit, and he was right. I wasn't good company at all. I was very self-centered.

This makes him sound like a complete dick, but it's not that he didn't provide me with support (because he did), it's that I needed supporting all the time, and he got tired of having to be there for me after every little bump in the road.

Anyway, it seemed that quite suddenly he stopped wanting to spend time with me, because my depression made any interaction a chore, and that just worsened it. He eventually blew up and we stopped talking for a while, but after we apologised, we sorta became amicable again, but there's zero friendship there now, at least from my perspective - and that upsets me.

Something that really hurts me, though, is that I find him attractive (and he knows this) yet he keeps going out of his way to mention the men he's slept with the night before. He either doesn't realise this really fucking hurts, or is trying to send a really obvious message of "go away".

You know, when I type it all out, it looks like a really unhealthy relationship. I still can't get away from the desire to be friends with him, though, because in between the shit and the piss we had fun.

This doesn't even sound like a "friend" relationship to begin with. I think you are getting this mix up. Start off by asking yourself this question.

"What do I want (emotionally) out of this relationship?"

Once you figure that out, if you still want to continue this relationship, you can ask him in regard of his feelings/views toward you. Avoid demands like "I want to be friends again", accusations such as "you are hurting my feelings", or potential guilt trips like "I am sorry". If you are not sure rather or not he knows how you feel, let him know. Simply put, don't play guessing games. Better ask than guess incorrectly. If he's willing to talk about it it will open opportunities to listen and understand the situation. If not, try not to push it. Sometimes people need time to get over things.

In a more healthy view you will also need to look for alternative to this emotional need of yours in case things doesn't work out. Besides I think this whole emotional demand might be the root of this awkwardness to begin with. So having an alternative and freeing yourself from this desperation might actually help the situation in the end.

It's hard, but you'll have to forget your attraction to him if you want to resume your friendship. It's possible that he may still have feelings for you and is behaving like he is to try and rid himself of them, but perhaps unlikely. Time and space is the best healing for a friendship that has badly mixed with attraction, you just have to train yourself to not think of him that way anymore. When it happened to me it took more than 6 months, with various flare-ups, to die down - going to uni helped a lot - but we have a much stronger friendship now.

And perhaps you should see the uni or SU support team and allow yourself to talk to them about your emotional problems, rather than dumping it all on one friend.

Good luck :)

start doing little things to include him in your life, and then big things
unfortunatly that is all the advice i can give :(