NationStates Jolt Archive

Lets share some jokes! I'll start 'em off.

The police officer pulls up close to a bar late one Saturday evening and waits to see if he can bag any drunks on the way out. Five or Ten minutes before the bar closes a single man stagers out and wanders around the parking lot. checking out all the cars in the lot, and trying to get into three, he finally finds his own car.

The drunk man gets in, sits down and flicks on his windshield wipers, he turns them off after a moment and then turns on his four ways. It takes him a few seconds to turn them off again, and then the car starts. THe drunk man pulls out of his parking spot and then back in... about this time the other patrons are leaving. The drunk waits patiiently for the other customers to leave. He realizes he is drunk! Jackpot!

Finally, after everyone is left the drunk slowly pulls out of the parking lot and onto the road. The officer doesn't waste a single moment pulling him over. "Have you been drinking sir?"
"No offcifer I aint had nothing to dink!" the man replies indignantly.

THe Officer pulls out his breathalyser and asks the man to breath into it, amazingly the test comes up negative! How could it be? THe drunk just smiles, "Sorry officer, looks like you don't get much luck tonight" the suddenly sober man says, "I was the designated decoy!"

Funny. I'm probably gonna get a lot of minutiae wrong but bear with me.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were fighting in World War I. They were captured by the Germans, who allowed them one last request.

The Englishman said "I'd like to hear 'God Save The Queen' one last time, as performed by the London Boys Choir."

The Irishman said "I'd like to hear me anthem one last time as well."

The Scotsman said "I'd like to be shot first."

A little boy asks his father what the difference between potentially and realistically was. HIs father didn't feel like explaning so instead he came up with a little experiment.

"How about you ask your mom, your sister, and your brother if they would have sex with Brad Pit for 1 million dollars? The from what they tell you you can draw your own conclusions on the difference."

The little boy, being of the inquisitive type liked the idea and immediatly set off to begin.

"Mommy? Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million bucks?"

"Why yes I would!" said his mom without pause, "With a million dollars we can put all you kids through college and pay off the mortgage."

The little boy then goes off to find his older sister, "WOud you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Oh my god! Brad Pitt? Where? He's sooo dreamy..."

Finally the little boy locates his brother and asks, "Would you have sex with rad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Hell yes!" said his brother, "Do you know what kind of cool stuff I can get with a million dollars?"

After spending several hours considering the answers he finally goes back to his dad. "Have you learned the difference between realistically and potentially?"

"Yes I have. Potentially we can get $3 million dollars, realistically we live with two whores and a homosexual."

Lets share some jokes!

Soulja Boy

Alright, here goes...
A man robs abank, and the police catch him soon after. On the way to a jail one of officers says to him"Why did you choose a life of crime?" The theif says"Well, it was either this or a lawyer and I wanted to choose the more honorable job!"

Two engineers meet on a road. One of them is riding an impressive motorcycle. The walking engineer is amazed and asks the other how he got the machine.
"Well," says the other engineer. "I was walking along the road, much like you were, and all of a sudden, a breath-takingly beautiful woman comes along on this motorcycle, stops, rips off her clothes, and screams 'Take what you want!' at me."









"Excellent choice," says the first engineer. "The clothes probaly wouldn't have fit."

Okay, this is probably going to suck, but here we go:

A boy comes home and tells his mother that he had sex with his teacher, his mother is enraged and tells the boy to go talk to his father. The boy does this, he goes outside and says to his dad, "I had sex with my teacher."

"Really? The one with the big boobs?"

"Yeah, dad, thats the one."

"Well, that is just fucking great. I'm so proud of you son, lets go 4 wheeling today, my treat."

"No thanks dad, my ass still hurts."

[I don't know if that is how the joke goes, but oh well.}

An Engineer, a Doctor, and a Politician are all discussing which of thier proffessions came first.

"Well, according to the bible." says the Dr. "God created life first, so that makes him a doctor first."

The Engineer disagrees, "But if you will use that argument, he created order out of the chaos that was the void."

The Politician just smiled, knowing he had already won, "And where do you think the chaos came from?"

two men are at a bar

one says to the other "I bet I could sleep with anyone here"

"how?"

"I'm a rapist"

A little boy asks his father what the difference between potentially and realistically was. HIs father didn't feel like explaning so instead he came up with a little experiment.

"How about you ask your mom, your sister, and your brother if they would have sex with Brad Pit for 1 million dollars? The from what they tell you you can draw your own conclusions on the difference."

The little boy, being of the inquisitive type liked the idea and immediatly set off to begin.

"Mommy? Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million bucks?"

"Why yes I would!" said his mom without pause, "With a million dollars we can put all you kids through college and pay off the mortgage."

The little boy then goes off to find his older sister, "WOud you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Oh my god! Brad Pitt? Where? He's sooo dreamy..."

Finally the little boy locates his brother and asks, "Would you have sex with rad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Hell yes!" said his brother, "Do you know what kind of cool stuff I can get with a million dollars?"

After spending several hours considering the answers he finally goes back to his dad. "Have you learned the difference between realistically and potentially?"

"Yes I have. Potentially we can get $3 million dollars, realistically we live with two whores and a homosexual."

LMAO good one! :D

A little boy asks his father what the difference between potentially and realistically was. HIs father didn't feel like explaning so instead he came up with a little experiment.

"How about you ask your mom, your sister, and your brother if they would have sex with Brad Pit for 1 million dollars? The from what they tell you you can draw your own conclusions on the difference."

The little boy, being of the inquisitive type liked the idea and immediatly set off to begin.

"Mommy? Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million bucks?"

"Why yes I would!" said his mom without pause, "With a million dollars we can put all you kids through college and pay off the mortgage."

The little boy then goes off to find his older sister, "WOud you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Oh my god! Brad Pitt? Where? He's sooo dreamy..."

Finally the little boy locates his brother and asks, "Would you have sex with rad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Hell yes!" said his brother, "Do you know what kind of cool stuff I can get with a million dollars?"

After spending several hours considering the answers he finally goes back to his dad. "Have you learned the difference between realistically and potentially?"

"Yes I have. Potentially we can get $3 million dollars, realistically we live with two whores and a homosexual."

Soulja Boy

LOLZ!!!

:D:D

Two priests go to a remote village to do mission work. They are immediately captured and tied up by the local savages.
The chief of the tribe comes out and says to the first priest, "Death or Uga Bugga?"
The priest replies, "well ugga bugga I geuss."
The chief yells "ugga bugga!" and all of the villagers sodomize the man repeatedly for hours.
Then the chief says to the other priest, "death or uga bugga?"
The priest replies, " well, my religion does not permit uga bugga so I guess I choose death."
"Very well," the chief says, "Death! but first, uga bugga!"

How many community college students does it take to change a light bulb?


How many MIT students does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Ivy League graduates does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Notre Dame Students doesit take to change a light bulb?

two men are at a bar

one says to the other "I bet I could sleep with anyone here"

"how?"

"I'm a rapist"

*swish*


On topic. (http://www.explosm.net/comics/378/) I'm sure there's a reason I find these comics so amazingly funny, but I'm not sure what it is yet.

First, you get a tid-bit.


A Rabbi walks into a bar, with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender sees them and says, "Wow, where'd ya get that?"
The frog says, "Brooklyn! Theres hundreds of em!"


Thanks, I'll be here all week.

How many community college students does it take to change a light bulb?

How many MIT students does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Ivy League graduates does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Notre Dame Students doesit take to change a light bulb?

Community College Students: It takes ten of them to scrape up enough money to buy the lightbulb.

MIT Students: They don't teach you how to change light bulbs at MIT...

Ivy League: They merely hold up the bulb and let the rest of the world reolve around them.

Notre Dame: Amazingly only one... however it takes two more to check the light bulb changing stats for the year, 250 to sing the fight song, and at least 25,000 spectators.