NationStates Jolt Archive

I recently moved into a new flat, and in the first few weeks developed what seemed like a good friendship with one of my new flatmates. However, nine weeks later, things have soured considerably. He's incredibly insensitive and emotionally manipulative. For example, he played upon my attraction to him to sleep in my bed, making me feel very used. I forgave him for that, because I recognised that he was going through a tough time. However, from what seemed like a good beginning things have gotten progressively worse. I stopped speaking to him for about a week because I'd finally had enough, but then I eventually told him how he was making me feel and he made what seemed like a fairly sincere apology.

Then, last night, in what seemed like a gesture to improve the situation, he invited me to a party at his friend's house. I was initially hesitant, because I was still quite angry with him, but decided to go along and grant him the benefit of the doubt. At first, everything seemed fine. I was having fun. However, I ran out of cigarettes, so I left the party to go find a store to buy some more. Since I don't know Edinburgh well yet, I got hopelessly lost. I proceeded to phone him and ask for directions back to the party. Instead, he essentially said that I should go home.

I thought perhaps that I'd read him wrong, or something, so when I eventually did get my bearings, I phoned him again to say that I'd be back soon. He then asked if I meant back home, and when I responded that no, I was heading back to the party, he seemed annoyed.

When I eventually DID get back, completely soaked because it was raining, he ignored me completely. I have no idea what I did wrong. I endured half an hour of this before getting my coat and leaving without saying a word to him. So once again, I'm not speaking to him. The big problem with this is that he lives literally next door, and I see him every single day. There's already been two awkward moments of complete silence between us today.

So, I ask, how the hell do you survive a flatmate like this? Should I confront him again? I have no real desire to force myself to be friendly to him, I've become sick of his games. I've never been in a situation where I can't just walk away from a toxic person, so I'm really clueless on how to avoid them without seeming like a rude arsehole because as I mentioned, he's unavoidably omnipresent due to proximity. Argh!

Wait, is he your flatmate or your neighbour?

Either way it sounds like you should toughen up a bit.

Wait, is he your flatmate or your neighbour?

Either way it sounds like you should toughen up a bit.

He's my flatmate. We have seperate rooms.

Oh? I dislike confrontation. I dislike hostility. I don't really see any out from either of those at the moment.

Eh... tough break. Sounds like you're two overly similar people, not to be rude about it.

Just try to find some kind of common ground that the two of you are both into, so you've always got something to fall back on when things get a bit rough between the two of you.

That said, I'm not aware of the intricacies of it, and all I can basically say is best of luck to you in dealing with the situation.

This is the whole story?

He's my flatmate. We have seperate rooms.

Oh? I dislike confrontation. I dislike hostility. I don't really see any out from either of those at the moment.

Sometimes there's no other way. Hiding doesn't help much. If you don't feel comfortable with this guy just be basically friendly but don't a) rely on him b) let him take advantage of your better nature c) go along to things with him. Do your own thing, leave him out of the equation and whenever you do need to see him just treat him politely but fairly distantly.

Rely on the friends you can trust.

This is the whole story?

No. This is the latest in a long line of stories. It's also one of the most petty, some of the others are much worse. The only reason I mention it is because it's the one that's broken the camel's back, so to speak.

He's my flatmate. We have seperate rooms.

Oh? I dislike confrontation. I dislike hostility. I don't really see any out from either of those at the moment.

You may dislike them, but they are necessary emotions to vent. When you don't communicate and let these things pile up, they eventually become an unexplainable urge to chuck a cinderblock at his head. While he's on fire. ANd impaled with a long steel spike. Through the crotch.

... Suffice to say, I've had my share of roommates ;)

My last one before settling down in wedded bliss(which is a special kind of roommate also) was an excellent one. ANd we still had our occasional outbursts. These things happen. But avoiding confrontation isn't always the answer. The silent treatment so often leads to cinderblock chucking. :p

When I read the title (as a rather experienced flat-sharer by now), I expected something along the lines of the usual flat-sharing vices, i.e. untidiness, sloppiness, loudness, ....


But it seems as though you're 'just' having an emotional problem, which isn't inherent in the living with him, but only made worse by your proximity.

I suggest that, if you really feel like it's better to end this relationship, you tell him so (be open about it; say that while there are rewarding moments, there's just too much hurt going on to justify continuing your relationship), and then usually living that close isn't much of a problem anymore: You do see each other, but once the situation is cleared up, there shouldn't be many more 'awkward silences' but rather just 'regular silences', if you know what I mean. It is entirely possible to live with someone you don't really have much more going with than that, well, you live with each other, and it can work out fine - as long as you got over the "we're unfriendly rather than just not friendly with each other" phase.

Is your name on the lease? If so, give your landlord (but not him) notice and move out. If it isn't, don't tell anyone and move out one day.

Is your name on the lease? If so, give your landlord (but not him) notice and move out. If it isn't, don't tell anyone and move out one day.

Yeah, I can't move out. My accommodation contract stipulates that moving out prior to it expiring (next year), I have to pay all owed rent until that time. I can't afford that.

STOP BEING HIS FRIEND

you can live as roommates without being bestest buddies.

be civil but no more friendly gestures like letting him sleep with you or going to parties at his friends house.

let him just be the guy who pays half the rent.

STOP BEING HIS FRIEND

you can live as roommates without being bestest buddies.

be civil but no more friendly gestures like letting him sleep with you or going to parties at his friends house.

let him just be the guy who pays half the rent.

I've already made that step. He's not my friend, and I have no desire to be friends with him. I've had enough. The problem, though, is the current tension in the atmosphere. I can deal with not getting along with him, but it's the animosity between us right now I don't know how to tackle. I'm not sure if telling him directly that I don't consider him a friend anymore would help, but then, ignoring him seems even worse.

I've already made that step. He's not my friend, and I have no desire to be friends with him. I've had enough. The problem, though, is the current tension in the atmosphere. I can deal with not getting along with him, but it's the animosity between us right now I don't know how to tackle. I'm not sure if telling him directly that I don't consider him a friend anymore would help, but then, ignoring him seems even worse.

you are still wanting too much from him.

all you need from him is to pay the rent, keep the common areas neat and not be mean to you.

thats it.

if he is pissed at you, learn to ignore it. its not important. live your own life and pay him no mind at all (if you are feeling drama queenish, if he really is pissed it will make him crazy with no effort on your part)

you are still wanting too much from him.

all you need from him is to pay the rent, keep the common areas neat and not be mean to you.

thats it.

if he is pissed at you, learn to ignore it. its not important. live your own life and pay him no mind at all (if you are feeling drama queenish, if he really is pissed it will make him crazy with no effort on your part)

Hmm, you're right. Thanks.

The problem, though, is the current tension in the atmosphere. I can deal with not getting along with him, but it's the animosity between us right now I don't know how to tackle. I'm not sure if telling him directly that I don't consider him a friend anymore would help, but then, ignoring him seems even worse.

Yes, telling him that is exactly what you want to do. Ashmoria's completely right in all they say; if you live with somebody you cannot have unresolved issues like you can with someone you aren't confronted with every day. You will have to sort things out, in the open, and ensuring that all parties concerned are on the same page, same paragraph.

I've gone through the same with two flatmates, and this is ultimately the only thing that keeps you from being emotionally knackered, and/or pulling the cinderblock stunt LG mentioned. And trust me, the cinderblock moment will come if you let things simmer like that... *reminisces own past violent fantasies starring crappy flatmates*

Not sure what to suggest beyond either accepting the necessity for a confrontation, or emotionally disattaching yourself.

I have the opposite problem. Of a floor of 12, I like 2 of my floormates, and a further 1 of them I find tolerable. The rest are terminally immature, girly girls, who seem to have no spine or interest in anything more edgy than a satsuma.

Kill him.

With a spoon.

Are you renting, leasing or buying the flat? Is it in your name or his? Is this a situation where he was assigned or did you advertise for a flatmate? Do you have an authority to whom you can appeal?

I had an abusive roommate (and make no mistake, your roommate is abusive - perhaps he's not physically abusive yet, but it's a strong possibility that that's where it will go). When I made him angry (and pretty much everything I did made him angry) he would destroy my property and break down the doors in the apartment. I realized fairly early on that it could escalate into actual physical violence to my person. I got the Hell out of there and did not give him a forwarding address or phone number.

I suggest strongly that you do the same. I suspect that, unless you like being a doormat, getting along with him will be impossible.

Yeah, I can't move out. My accommodation contract stipulates that moving out prior to it expiring (next year), I have to pay all owed rent until that time. I can't afford that.

Go into his room when he's gone and dump elk urine on his bed.