NationStates Jolt Archive

Linky (http://datelinehollywood.com/archives/2007/10/08/fans-sue-over-lack-of-jessica-alba-sex-tape/)
Hollywood - Saying they deserve to see Jessica Alba engaged in hot sex, a group of fans has sued the actress for failing so far to release a sex tape. “She’s so hot, and we’ve waited long enough to see her naked and f*cking,” said one angry plaintiff.

A federal judge in Los Angeles today granted class-action status to a lawsuit alleging that Alba violated her male fans’ trust by continuing to appear in movies in tight revealing outfits and bikinis and, yet, failing to appear in a homemade sex video.

“We all expected by now that there would be a tape of Jessica all over the web taking it from some guy, most likely from behind,” said Kevin Rosston who has been closely following Alba’s career for several years and is a plaintiff in the lawsuit. “We thought the deal was that we’d see crappy movies like ‘Good Luck Chuck’ and ‘Fantastic Four 2′ and in return a sex tape would be ‘leaked’ online soon showing her vagina. But she hasn’t held up her end of the bargain.”

Robert Nathor of Cleveland, Ohio was the first person to sue Alba for the absence of a sex tape.

“Jessica Alba knows she has a responsibility to her fans to have sex on camera, and yet she continues to shirk her responsibility,” Nathor said. “She has given us nothing. I wish she would follow the example of a more responsible celebrity like Paris Hilton. Or at least follow Britney and Lindsay and flash her cooch to the paparazzi.”

Nathor says he decided to sue Alba after seeing a naked photo on the internet of “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens.

“Vanessa is only 18, but at least she has the decency to show off her breasts and vagina,” said Nathor. “I started thinking that Jessica Alba hasn’t even gone that far. I felt I had no choice left but to claim my rights as an American male media consumer in court.”

If Bottle was dead she'd be spinning in her grave. Unless this is all a pile of lies.

Moar linkage (http://www.albafan.com/jessica-alba-sued-by-male-fans)

Please tell me this is a joke because if it isn't... we're still stuck in a world where the woman is nothing more than an object for a man's sexual fantasy. How far we've come, yet, how far we still have to do; you know, three steps forward, two steps back...It is. A quick bit of independent research (http://datelinehollywood.com/about-us/) reveals that "Dateline: Hollywood" is a satirical site.

Please tell me this is a joke because if it isn't... we're still stuck in a world where the woman is nothing more than an object for a man's sexual fantasy. How far we've come, yet, how far we still have to do; you know, three steps forward, two steps back...

Let's say that it is true...

The judge SHOULD have yielded to common sense and told these boys and men to go jerk it to a skin mag instead of sueing a woman for NOT living up to their perverted expectations. Alba has a right to sexual privacy and these assholes ought to learn to respect it. Just because she's sexy doesn't mean she has to live up to someone's fucked up sexual fantasy. She has the right to the same dignity that other women do. Just because other famous female celebrities have whored themselves out on camera doesn't mean she's obligated to. She is her own person and has a right to be treated with the same respect and dignity.

If she was smart, she'd counter sue these people for disrespecting her as a woman. The lawsuit against her is motivated through sexist ideas.

ROFL, that's a funny satire site you found!

(Their "About Us" page gives it away: http://datelinehollywood.com/about-us/ )

Please tell me this is a joke because if it isn't... we're still stuck in a world where the woman is nothing more than an object for a man's sexual fantasy. How far we've come, yet, how far we still have to do; you know, three steps forward, two steps back...

Well I can't find a real news source, so it's probably lies. I certainly like to think it is.

I would as well. It would make the world a lot less scary.The thread's not that long. Sheesh, just read the other posts and everything will be clear!

Fergi America;13220794']ROFL, that's a funny satire site you found!

(Their "About Us" page gives it away: http://datelinehollywood.com/about-us/ )

>.>
<.<

Well I can't find a real news source, so it's probably lies. I certainly like to think it is.

I would as well. It would make the world a lot less scary.

Bwhahah soo funny!:D

Please tell me this is a joke because if it isn't... we're still stuck in a world where the woman is nothing more than an object for a man's sexual fantasy.

Now what kind of madness would give you that idea......

Y'know, at first the people I knew who were online were savvy about it. They were my high school students, mostly. They introduced me to sites like Snopes and other ways to tell when something's phony...such as looking up the site's credentials, or even clicking the "about us" link to discover what's really behind the attnetion-grabbing folderol.

But for two or more people to come into this thread without having so much as taken the sixty seconds one would need to discover that this site is effectively The Onion meets E!, well that's just depressing.

>.>
<.<

Don't fret, Ifreann. I like them naive. It makes my job oh, so much easier. :)

;)

Y'know, at first the people I knew who were online were savvy about it. They were my high school students, mostly. They introduced me to sites like Snopes and other ways to tell when something's phony...such as looking up the site's credentials, or even clicking the "about us" link to discover what's really behind the attnetion-grabbing folderol.

But for two or more people to come into this thread without having so much as taken the sixty seconds one would need to discover that this site is effectively The Onion meets E!, well that's just depressing.

If you're depressed by people believing false statements without checking to see if they're true then you must need a lot of pills to keep from killing yourself.

If you're depressed by people believing false statements without checking to see if they're true then you must need a lot of pills to keep from killing yourself.

You have no idea.

EDIT: Trust me, if I had the ability to not be pained stupidity (defined in my view as ignorance + apathy), both others' and my own, I would sleep far more soundly at night.

If Bottle was dead she'd be spinning in her grave. Unless this is all a pile of lies.

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem like much of a stretch, as parodies go.

Some nutters in Colorado are currently collecting signatures on a ballot initiative that would make menstruation a criminal offense. Compared to that, this parody is a bit flat. :D

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem like much of a stretch, as parodies go.

Some nutters in Colorado are currently collecting signatures on a ballot initiative that would make menstruation a criminal offense. Compared to that, this parody is a bit flat. :D

:eek:

Say WHAT?!?

:eek:

Say WHAT?!?
They're trying to classify a fertilized egg as having the same rights as a born human citizen. Since around 50-70% of fertilized eggs are flushed out before they even implant, this means that every single used tampon would have to be investigated as a potential scene of negligent homicide (if not first degree murder). Every single menstrual period would have to be policed, lest any "people" be killed by some selfish female body failing to allow implantation.

They're trying to classify a fertilized egg as having the same rights as a born human citizen. Since around 50-70% of fertilized eggs are flushed out before they even implant, this means that every single used tampon would have to be investigated as a potential scene of negligent homicide (if not first degree murder). Every single menstrual period would have to be policed, lest any "people" be killed by some selfish female body failing to allow implantation.

It's true.

"Any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer." -George Carlin :p

The fan's case is genuinely laughable. Jessica should just give them the finger and tell them to fuck off.

It's her responsibility to release a sex tape? Jackholes...

All things said, Jessica Alba should make a sex tape... ...with me.

But for two or more people to come into this thread without having so much as taken the sixty seconds one would need to discover that this site is effectively The Onion meets E!, well that's just depressing.

Or........

Funny!:D

But for two or more people to come into this thread without having so much as taken the sixty seconds one would need to discover that this site is effectively The Onion meets E!, well that's just depressing.

Sixty seconds? The very act of reading it reveals it to be a spoof article. I can't quite grasp the stupidity of someone who could even doubt it.

Lmao.....

I remember the good old days when people would see an article with an Onionesque tone and question its veracity before going OMG Society Is Going Downhill Even Faster.

How incredibly STUPID. What has this country come to? I mean come on, what an idiotic judge, I didnt care for them much before, but now....:mp5:

Bwhahahahha!:D
Indeed.

In fact, I'll quote it again for good measure. For anyone coming into the thread, please read Peepelonia's post and carefully consider what it signifies, lest you post something foolish.

Bwhahahahha!:D

How incredibly STUPID. What has this country come to? I mean come on, what an idiotic judge, I didnt care for them much before, but now....:mp5:

Bwhahahahha!:D

Indeed.

In fact, I'll quote it again for good measure. For anyone coming into the thread, please read Peepelonia's post and carefully consider what it signifies, lest you post something foolish.

Wait....are you bashing ME or the "buhaha" guy...

Wait....are you bashing ME or the "buhaha" guy...
I wasn't really intending to bash anyone.

Look, it's a joke story. A satirical piece. Not serious.

The clues are all there, unless for example anyone who was taken in by it also thinks that Hilary Clinton has used the phrase "It's the economy, fuckface" in a televised debate, or that Andrew Lloyd Webber has produced a musical based on spam (both taken from the other 'stories' linked to from the page in the OP).

*sigh*

All this Jessica Alba thing is a joke of course!
It's got to be.... -.-
And yes, they should totally valuate the life and future of a woman over the life and future of an egg that's not even humanoid...

Why bother with saving the potential life, when there is so much death in the world every day, and nobody does much about it?

Wait...so Jessica Alba hasn't made a Sex Tape? :confused:

Does that make the copy I bought on the street corner a phony? Man, I got ripped off...$29.95 down the drain...

seriously, though, she should just make one. all the kids are doing it these days.

:)

Please tell me this is a joke because if it isn't... we're still stuck in a world where the woman is nothing more than an object for a man's sexual fantasy. How far we've come, yet, how far we still have to do; you know, three steps forward, two steps back...

Let's say that it is true...

The judge SHOULD have yielded to common sense and told these boys and men to go jerk it to a skin mag instead of sueing a woman for NOT living up to their perverted expectations. Alba has a right to sexual privacy and these assholes ought to learn to respect it. Just because she's sexy doesn't mean she has to live up to someone's fucked up sexual fantasy. She has the right to the same dignity that other women do. Just because other famous female celebrities have whored themselves out on camera doesn't mean she's obligated to. She is her own person and has a right to be treated with the same respect and dignity.

If she was smart, she'd counter sue these people for disrespecting her as a woman. The lawsuit against her is motivated through sexist ideas.

not really... it could open the doors for fans to demand male stars to be in sex tapes. :p

then again... what one group deems 'sexy' may vastly be different from another group. can you imagine rabid fans demanding a sex tape between Rosie O'Donnall and Rosanne Barr!

They're trying to classify a fertilized egg as having the same rights as a born human citizen. Since around 50-70% of fertilized eggs are flushed out before they even implant, this means that every single used tampon would have to be investigated as a potential scene of negligent homicide (if not first degree murder). Every single menstrual period would have to be policed, lest any "people" be killed by some selfish female body failing to allow implantation.
I'm guessing that this is a similar idea to the attempt to pass a law in Oregon(I think?) that would have declared any marriages that didn't have kids invalid-- that law was actually meant to make a point, to show that one of the "reasons" against gay marriage is invalid.
Is this an attempt to make a point against anti-choicers, in a similar way?

Or is humanity just that stupid?

How incredibly STUPID. What has this country come to? I mean come on, what an idiotic judge, I didnt care for them much before, but now....:mp5:

You know, why does this not surprise me from this user? :p

I wasn't really intending to bash anyone.

Look, it's a joke story. A satirical piece. Not serious.

The clues are all there, unless for example anyone who was taken in by it also thinks that Hilary Clinton has used the phrase "It's the economy, fuckface" in a televised debate, or that Andrew Lloyd Webber has produced a musical based on spam (both taken from the other 'stories' linked to from the page in the OP).

*sigh*

Good thing he doesn't read The Onion. Might have a complete coronary from all that news.

Wait...so Jessica Alba hasn't made a Sex Tape? :confused:

Does that make the copy I bought on the street corner a phony? Man, I got ripped off...$29.95 down the drain...

seriously, though, she should just make one. all the kids are doing it these days.

:)

Some guy sold you a cheap cut and pasted copy of Sin City for $29.95?

AAHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!

*Points finger at Todsboro*

then again... what one group deems 'sexy' may vastly be different from another group. can you imagine rabid fans demanding a sex tape between Rosie O'Donnall and Rosanne Barr!

Those would be government contracts. Demands mostly from the Army and the CIA for "national security purposes" mind you.

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem like much of a stretch, as parodies go.

Some nutters in Colorado are currently collecting signatures on a ballot initiative that would make menstruation a criminal offense. Compared to that, this parody is a bit flat. :D
http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/stupidburnbg9.jpg
All things said, Jessica Alba should make a sex tape... ...with me.

I don't think that was ever disputed though this was

All things said, Jessica Alba should make a sex tape...
To keep costs down, I volunteer my time free of charge! :D

WTF?

What kind of forum is this that some people are such raging idiots that they are even considering the possibly of that article being serious?

That says much more about the state of our world than the satire itself.

You people were probably the same ones that called the PETA about "bonsai kittens".

They're trying to classify a fertilized egg as having the same rights as a born human citizen. Since around 50-70% of fertilized eggs are flushed out before they even implant, this means that every single used tampon would have to be investigated as a potential scene of negligent homicide (if not first degree murder). Every single menstrual period would have to be policed, lest any "people" be killed by some selfish female body failing to allow implantation.

Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. And who, exactly, will be enforcing this law? Not like it'll pass, but what agency do these mental micro-dots think is going to go house-to-house demanding spent feminine hygiene products?

Indeed.

In fact, I'll quote it again for good measure. For anyone coming into the thread, please read Peepelonia's post and carefully consider what it signifies, lest you post something foolish.

How incredibly STUPID. What has this country come to? I mean come on, what an idiotic judge, I didnt care for them much before, but now....:mp5:

Too late.:rolleyes:

They're trying to classify a fertilized egg as having the same rights as a born human citizen. Since around 50-70% of fertilized eggs are flushed out before they even implant, this means that every single used tampon would have to be investigated as a potential scene of negligent homicide (if not first degree murder). Every single menstrual period would have to be policed, lest any "people" be killed by some selfish female body failing to allow implantation.
Ridiculous. Please don't link me with them...they're just in the same state and I have absolutely no connection with them whatsoever.

Ridiculous. Please don't link me with them...they're just in the same state and I have absolutely no connection with them whatsoever.


Is it a state in the "Midwest" that they so often speak of?

Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. And who, exactly, will be enforcing this law? Not like it'll pass, but what agency do these mental micro-dots think is going to go house-to-house demanding spent feminine hygiene products?

It's likely that (unless their actions are satirical) they aren't aware of most fertilized embryos being flushed out through menstruation. So they probably wouldn't see the need for any agency to do something like that, they'd figure outlawing abortions would take care of it.

Is it a state in the "Midwest" that they so often speak of?

Not really. It's in the West, more or less.

http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/8016/usablankmap1tc9.jpg

The one with the horrible MSPaint writing is my state.

lol, that's excellent. What's even funnier is that some people believed that was real :P

Not really. It's in the West, more or less.


Could be leakage. Boil the water for a few weeks, see how it pans out. I'm told the ratio of pick-ups to other forms of transport are indicative, as well as the number of C&W radio stations on air at any given time....

Could be leakage. Boil the water for a few weeks, see how it pans out. I'm told the ratio of pick-ups to other forms of transport are indicative, as well as the number of C&W radio stations on air at any given time....

...huh?

Then its not real? Phew, I was worried.

Then its not real? Phew, I was worried.

Do you know what IS real, though? This essay by Jonathan Swift:





It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.

”I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled ...”

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.

Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young laborers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an episcopal curate.

Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown.

Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.

Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.

Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns; where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to their annual profit instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity.

Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be constant customers for infants flesh, besides others who might have it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses; and the rest of the kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty thousand.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of using neither cloaths, nor houshold furniture, except what is of our own growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ even from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo: Of quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment their city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing: Of teaching landlords to have at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But, as to my self, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expence and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. For this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, and flesh being of too tender a consistence, to admit a long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could name a country, which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it.

After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly, there being a round million of creatures in human figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers, and laborers, with their wives and children who are beggars in effect: I desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been sold for food, at a year old in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as they have since gone through by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater miseries upon their breed for ever.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.

The End

http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html

WOW...I see it and I still don't 100% believe it...

Then its not real? Phew, I was worried.

wait...It isn't real then?

Do you know what IS real, though? This essay by Jonathan Swift:

http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html

That would be an example of satire.

That would be an example of satire.

No! No, it's completely serious!


Stop trying to ruin it! If he accepted the OP's article as serious, I was hoping to see what he'd say about one of the most famous examples of satire, ever.

That would be an example of satire.

And yet people wanted his head on a platter; they thought he was being serious at the time.

It is. A quick bit of independent research (http://datelinehollywood.com/about-us/) reveals that "Dateline: Hollywood" is a satirical site.

My first thought was Onion!

WTF?

What kind of forum is this that some people are such raging idiots that they are even considering the possibly of that article being serious?

That says much more about the state of our world than the satire itself.

You people were probably the same ones that called the PETA about "bonsai kittens".

QFT.

Do you know what IS real, though? This essay by Jonathan Swift:




http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html

Im sorry, but how does that relate to this?

Im sorry, but how does that relate to this?

The point was that if you believed the article in the OP, you'd probably fall for the article I posted, which is one of the most famous pieces of satire ever written.

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem like much of a stretch, as parodies go.

Some nutters in Colorado are currently collecting signatures on a ballot initiative that would make menstruation a criminal offense. Compared to that, this parody is a bit flat. :D

Menstruation a criminal offense? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't menstruation involuntary? :confused:

seems like a lot of people dont understand satire

It's likely that (unless their actions are satirical) they aren't aware of most fertilized embryos being flushed out through menstruation. So they probably wouldn't see the need for any agency to do something like that, they'd figure outlawing abortions would take care of it.

I think I preferred them when they were trying to be subtle....