NationStates Jolt Archive

So I've been dating this girl for the past few weeks. Everything is going fine, we enjoy each other's company, we enjoy going to the museums to the movies, and she really enjoys the airplane rides that I take her up on. She always takes her camera when we go up hehe. Anyways, everything is great in this relationship and I mean great. However, her dad (she still lives at home because her family needs the income to pay the bills, or so they tell her.) is being a bit over-protective. Now me and her, we've been out on dates, and we've kissed, held hand, you know the things that couples do. However her dad is like "Well if you kiss him this early, then you must've already had sex with him." Now me and this woman have had a long talk about sex and we both agree to wait until we were at least engaged. However, her dad is being overprotective and controlling, I mean she's 20 years old, has her own job and she helps her family pay the bills, and yet her dad had her on a curfew when she came over to my house to eat dinner with my family.

Now tonight, they apparently got into another fight because I kissed her good night last night after walking her into her house after dropping her off, (hey I'm a gentlemen), and that where the whole "you must've already slept with him" thing came from. There's also the issues of him withdrawing her money from her bank account without asking her (apparently he has a card to her account) which ties into the whole controlling thing.

So far I have been supportive emotionally, I've let her rant on and on without giving any real advice (because I've heard over and over that sometimes women just want the guy to listen without trying to 'fix' the problem) and I keep telling her that I am here for her and that my family is here for her (my family loves her after meeting her last night.) I have asked her if it would help things if I talked to her dad myself, let him know that I respect and care for his daughter, that we would not have sex until we were married or engaged, and that so far our dates have been in public places and around people. However she says that it wouldn't help and would probably just make the situation worse.

Now I have not gotten actively involved in this mess between her and her dad because that's just asking for trouble there, and I'm just wondering beside being there for her, and being a shoulder for her to cry on, can I do anything else that won't make her dad tighten the reigns any more than they are right now? Honestly we've talked to her about becoming more assertive and about closing her dad's access to her bank account and she has talked about moving out and either onto her own or to her mom's house, but right now we're just waiting to see where this whole thing goes and see what happens.

What do you guys think? Also, I plan on giving her rose this Saturday when I go see her, do you think that'll just piss her dad off more or...what?

I think the problem isn't so much that you're not doing something, but that he still holds some kind of authority over her. Granted, that may always be the case with parents, but living with someone that overprotective is probably only exacerbating things.

Good for you on the new GF. Can I ask what nationality is she and does this play into the scenario you are describing? Also does her dad not realize that at 18 one is an adult in the US of A? One thing I want to say off hand right away is try and stay out of a feud between father and daughter. It will only end in disaster on your end when they resolve it.

Ask her to move in with you.

and -while she lives at her parents- No, do NOT get actively involved in her family relationships.

Ask her to move in with you.

That's really the only thing I could think of. And help her set up a new bank account.

That's really the only thing I could think of. And help her set up a new bank account.

Of course wilgrove you need to then ask for a card to her account. ;)

Ask her to move in with you.

and -while she lives at her parents- No, do NOT get actively involved in her family affairs.

I would but, I still live with parents until next fall when I move to my own apartment so I can go to an OT program at a different school.

Yea, I pretty much plan on staying out of this. As for Nationality, we are both white so I doubt that has anything to do with it. She has Russell Silver Syndrome while I have Goldenhar Syndrome so it's not that I'm handicapped and she isn't, we're both handicapped which actually is doing a lot of good for this relationship because we can relate to each other.

Until she has her own agency then there isn't really anything you can do.

That's really the only thing I could think of. And help her set up a new bank account.

She has been talking about setting up a new account, she moved here recently and the bank she had isn't here in this area.

Yea, I pretty much plan on staying out of this. As for Nationality, we are both white so I doubt that has anything to do with it. She has Russell Silver Syndrome while I have Goldenhar Syndrome so it's not that I'm handicapped and she isn't, we're both handicapped which actually is doing a lot of good for this relationship because we can relate to each other.

What is Russell Silver Syndrome because I am to lazy to look it up. Also I know you have something going on with you however what is Goldenhar Syndrome too?

The protectiveness I am sure spawns from her being handicapped. Fathers are very protective of their daughters as it is but with an added "handicap" I am sure it is even more.

She has been talking about setting up a new account, she moved here recently and the bank she had isn't here in this area.

Just make sure the parents have no access to it.

What is Russell Silver Syndrome because I am to lazy to look it up. Also I know you have something going on with you however what is Goldenhar Syndrome too?

Silver-Russell dwarfism, also called Silver-Russell syndrome (SRS) or Russell-Silver syndrome (RSS) is a growth disorder occurring in approximately 1/75000 births. In the United States it is usually referred to as Russel-Silver Syndrome, and Silver-Russell Syndrome elsewhere. It is one of 200 types of dwarfism and one of five types of primordial dwarfism and is one of the few forms that is considered treatable. Its exact cause is unknown, but present research points toward a genetic component, possibly following maternal genes. There is no statistical significance of the syndrome occurring in males or females.

Also,

Goldenhar syndrome (also known as Oculo-Auriculo-Vertebral/OAV syndrome) is a congenital defect characterized by incomplete development of the ear, nose, soft palate, lip, and mandible. It is associated with anomalous development of the first branchial arch and second branchial arch.

The term is sometimes used interchangeably with Hemifacial Microsomia, although this definition is usually reserved for cases without internal organ/verterbrae disruption.

It affects between 1/3500 to 1/26000 live births in the UK

snip...

Thanks Geniasis. Well considering what you two have it does not indicate that there is any issue with normal functioning of either one of your brains. So it is ridiculous for the father to get mad about this in my opinion.

So I've been dating this girl for the past few weeks.

That's always great to hear, I'm happy for ya.

What do you guys think?

*EDIT: My suggestion seems to have been ruled out. Shucks. I think your current course of action is the best. As others have said, try to stay out of it as much as possible. Let her take the initiative and support her however you can. (As an aside, you sound like a really great guy :D)

Good luck with it, Wilgrove. We're rooting for you!

it's not that I'm handicapped

I could tell by the top line of your signature. :p Sorry lol.

*snip*

I can't see what's wrong with looking to talk to her Dad other than it's against her wishes, which certainly you should respect.

Yet I would continue to press the case gently that meeting her Dad might let him understand that you're being genuine in your affections, that you've both made the decision not to have sex, that you're willing to abide by his concerns and you understand his protectiveness.

By keeping you away from him, it's simply extending his mistrust because what's to hide?

I wouldn't press it too much, but I'd try to chip away at the objections.

Yet I would continue to press the case gently that meeting her Dad might let him understand that you're being genuine in your affections, that you've both made the decision not to have sex, that you're willing to abide by his concerns and you understand his protectiveness.

By keeping you away from him, it's simply extending his mistrust because what's to hide?All my ex-girlfriends.. sooner or later wanted me to "meet the parents".. and I always replied "Its too soon for me".

Why? I dont know.. animal instinct.

And This is my other advice: never-ever talk about sex with them (parents-in-law).

At one point one dad came to my place and ask me if I was "sleeping" with her daughter.. and I told him he was asking the wrong person. He showed me his badge and I called 911.. He threw some insults and left.

Let the father know that if he continues on as is, you will send some people over. Said people will be properly equipped to deal with the situation. Ask him how he likes his kneecaps.

Or if you wanted a serious answer, you could try to get to know him better yourself. Your girl has had dinner with your family, have you gone over to hers? Go do some guy stuff or something with her father.

... her dad had her on a curfew when she came over to my house to eat dinner with my family.

Now tonight, they apparently got into another fight because I kissed her good night last night after walking her into her house after dropping her off, (hey I'm a gentlemen), and that where the whole "you must've already slept with him" thing came from. There's also the issues of him withdrawing her money from her bank account without asking her (apparently he has a card to her account) which ties into the whole controlling thing...


Her father might be truly abusive. Men who feel a need to exert that kind of control often are. I'm not sure what you should do about it, except perhaps encourage her to get out of his control. He might be physically abusive, and is probably emotionally abusive with the "you've already had sex" thing.

Her father might be truly abusive. Men who feel a need to exert that kind of control often are. I'm not sure what you should do about it, except perhaps encourage her to get out of his control. He might be physically abusive, and is probably emotionally abusive with the "you've already had sex" thing.physical abuse assumptions already?.. and You have only one side of the story

physical abuse assumptions already?.. and You have only one side of the story

I'm not convicting him of anything, just reading the signs. And the signs aren't good.

the best thing to do is just give it time.

you havent been dating very long. if you stick around for a while without tearing his daughter's heart out, her father will come to like you.

as to any problems between your girl and her parents, stay out of it. let her talk it out as you have been but dont take any steps to fix anything. she is still pretty young. there will come a time when she has to stand on her own 2 feet and let her father know that things have to change. when she is ready for that, support her decision. until then, dont get in the middle of it.

You've only been dating for a few weeks so I think the wise decision would be to just stay out of it for now and respect the boundaries of their family. ( Even though your gf doesn't appear happy about it.)
There could still be a LOT of things that you don't know about , families are complicated , he may have good reasons for being over-protective. Granted, he sounds like a controlling bastard - but take the time to really observe and get to know the situation.
Maybe he has seen her mistreated by boys in the past and he's distrustful of new relationships for her...
Again - it's only been a few weeks. Be supportive of your GF but don't make any snap judgements.

And the part about him taking money from her account ... that's her battle to fight. She can get a new account and keep him off of it if she chooses and his reaction to THAT may say a lot more about him than his reaction to a new man in her life....

Just my 2 cents... good luck and congrats on your new relationship - enjoy it ! :)

I would but, I still live with parents until next fall when I move to my own apartment so I can go to an OT program at a different school.

Yea, I pretty much plan on staying out of this. As for Nationality, we are both white so I doubt that has anything to do with it. She has Russell Silver Syndrome while I have Goldenhar Syndrome so it's not that I'm handicapped and she isn't, we're both handicapped which actually is doing a lot of good for this relationship because we can relate to each other.

My advice:

1. Help her find her independence - her own bank account, her own place, her own life. If she's receptive, great; if she's not, you did all you could.

2. If you're going to mention obscure diseases, please provide links to a description of them. The standard Wikipedia description is OK.

So I've been dating this girl for the past few weeks. Everything is going fine, we enjoy each other's company, we enjoy going to the museums to the movies, and she really enjoys the airplane rides that I take her up on. She always takes her camera when we go up hehe. Anyways, everything is great in this relationship and I mean great. However, her dad (she still lives at home because her family needs the income to pay the bills, or so they tell her.) is being a bit over-protective. Now me and her, we've been out on dates, and we've kissed, held hand, you know the things that couples do. However her dad is like "Well if you kiss him this early, then you must've already had sex with him." Now me and this woman have had a long talk about sex and we both agree to wait until we were at least engaged. However, her dad is being overprotective and controlling, I mean she's 20 years old, has her own job and she helps her family pay the bills, and yet her dad had her on a curfew when she came over to my house to eat dinner with my family.

Now tonight, they apparently got into another fight because I kissed her good night last night after walking her into her house after dropping her off, (hey I'm a gentlemen), and that where the whole "you must've already slept with him" thing came from. There's also the issues of him withdrawing her money from her bank account without asking her (apparently he has a card to her account) which ties into the whole controlling thing.

So far I have been supportive emotionally, I've let her rant on and on without giving any real advice (because I've heard over and over that sometimes women just want the guy to listen without trying to 'fix' the problem) and I keep telling her that I am here for her and that my family is here for her (my family loves her after meeting her last night.) I have asked her if it would help things if I talked to her dad myself, let him know that I respect and care for his daughter, that we would not have sex until we were married or engaged, and that so far our dates have been in public places and around people. However she says that it wouldn't help and would probably just make the situation worse.

Now I have not gotten actively involved in this mess between her and her dad because that's just asking for trouble there, and I'm just wondering beside being there for her, and being a shoulder for her to cry on, can I do anything else that won't make her dad tighten the reigns any more than they are right now? Honestly we've talked to her about becoming more assertive and about closing her dad's access to her bank account and she has talked about moving out and either onto her own or to her mom's house, but right now we're just waiting to see where this whole thing goes and see what happens.

What do you guys think? Also, I plan on giving her rose this Saturday when I go see her, do you think that'll just piss her dad off more or...what?

are you dating or courting? you should ask her dad. If you are courting you aren't allowed to kiss until you are married. That whole "you may kiss the bride" thing is when you get to kiss her.

If you are already at odds with her family you might just drop her and get a different girl. This doesn't bode well for the future.

are you dating or courting? you should ask her dad. If you are courting you aren't allowed to kiss until you are married. That whole "you may kiss the bride" thing is when you get to kiss her.

If you are already at odds with her family you might just drop her and get a different girl. This doesn't bode well for the future.

No one has ever specified whether or not we were either courting or dating, I just assumed we were dating because this honestly is the first time I've heard of courting outside of old TV shows and movies, and TV shows/movies involving the Amish.

So far I haven't really done anything for them to be at odds with me, I've been kind, respectable (using sir and ma'am) and so far I've managed to get her back by 'curfew'.

This is all new to her as well as to her dad, because honestly this is the first real relationship that she had, and I guess I can see why he would be a little overprotective, but at the same time, she is an adult, she isn't 16 so this over protectiveness is uncalled for IMHO.

Postpone your sexual activities until after your marriage. Fornication is a dire sin, and you do not want your children to be tainted.

Postpone your sexual activities until after your marriage. Fornication is a dire sin, and you do not want your children to be tainted.

Me and her are already tainted with the obscure handicaps that we have. So kinda too late on that Padre. :p

Me and her are already tainted with the obscure handicaps that we have. So kinda too late on that Padre. :p

I will pray for you. May you turn from the licentious carnal darkness and toward the light of God's love.

there are multiple reasons why her dad is like that:
he's inlove with his own daughter
hes abusive
hes protective
he doesn't like you
he is robbing her and ruining her life
or all of the above
P.S
please note that i am a dark indvidual who got on an ethics quiz, lack of ethics, also i hate puppies

there are multiple reasons why her dad is like that:
he's inlove with his own daughter
hes abusive
hes protective
he doesn't like you
he is robbing her and ruining her life
or all of the above
P.S
please note that i am a dark indvidual who got on an ethics quiz, lack of ethics, also i hate puppies

How do you feel about kittens?

http://www.thecellfreak.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/Pictures%20of%20Kittens%20Cats%202.jpg

Postpone your sexual activities until after your marriage. Fornication is a dire sin, and you do not want your children to be tainted.

Oops...

Oops...

"Oops," is a bit of an understatement. This is his soul we are talking about, not a broken plate.

"Oops," is a bit of an understatement. This is his soul we are talking about, not a broken plate.

Dude, you crack* me up....





*Pun totally intended

What do you guys think?

I think that some people have really strange lives.