NationStates Jolt Archive

Sort of inspired by this thread:
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=540464

OK, lets make a humorous list of bad advice to give to tourists. You can make it either general advice or specific advice for a city or region (such as telling someone to wear a Red Sox hat to Yankee Stadium).

Have fun with this one.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Don't follow any of this advice. This is meant to be humorous and you are a dumbass if you attempt to follow any of the below information

Here are some of my Chicago ones.



Paint "Lincoln Park Towing" on the side of your vehicle and act like you are looking for illegally parked cars when driving around the city.
Take a late night stroll through Cabrini-Green
Wear white bed sheets while taking above stroll.
Wear a Cubs hat to Comiskey or a Sox hat to Wrigley
Tell everyone you meet that you hate Harold Washington
Drive on the Dan Ryan Expressway
Accelerate into the S curve on LSD
Wear a cheddar head
Dress middle-eastern and take a lot of pictures of the Sears Tower
Ask for a lantern, cow, and straw.

For a fun time, try wearing Red Wings gear in a Denver sports bar!

sledgehammer

a

Subtle

as

Speak slowly in New Jersey.

It is a little known fact, but there is actually a fourth branch of government, one that mainly makes sure the checks of the other branches clear. When you go to Washington, D.C., try to find it.

Burn down abandoned buildings in Detroit.

Philadelphia:

Do..

.. visit North Philadelphia! It has great locals and is really safe.
.. explore the alleys! They're a great place to find unique stores.
.. drive over to Camden and have lunch at one of the many world famous restaurants.
.. take a walk around city hall and get your picture taken with one of the famous hobos.

New York:

Ask everyone you run into about travel tips while in New Jersey. Let them know that you think that the Statue Liberty really is in New Jersey waters.

It is a little known fact, but there is actually a fourth branch of government, one that mainly makes sure the checks of the other branches clear. When you go to Washington, D.C., try to find it.

y'know, my parents had their fire coverage canceled on them because of all the fires in Detroit. Mom's explanation that they live on the other side of the state and Hell Night just doesn't really do much for Muskegonites fell on deaf ears.

Burn down abandoned buildings in Detroit.

Eh. Would anyone notice/care? :p

Eh. Would anyone notice/care? :p

No, but the local population would join in resulting in a massive bonfire.

While in Seattle...

Visit White Center with a sign saying "King County is SUPPOSED to be named after a WHITE guy."

Ask every place you go into that sells fish if they're the guys who throw them. Ask to take pictures.

Try driving the speed limit in Ballard (a cop with the name of Johnsen or Olsen will pull you over and ask "where's the fire?")

Wear a Steelers jersey to a Seahawks game, but only in the cheap seats. The expensive seats are for the wealthy suburbanites from Microsoft who are far too polite.

Walk through Uwajimaya with a shirt that says "Ichiro sucks".

Try to beat the city record for the 100m bum hurdle in Pioneer Square (watch the pergola, dammit).

Walk down Pine Street with a gas mask on and a sign with WTO in a circle and slash on it.

Drive across the I-90 floating bridge while it's undergoing maintenance.

Drive through south Everett with a sign on your car reading "fuck Boeing".

Gay couples! Kiss your lover in the shadow of Mt. Rainier! The folks in Enumclaw will think that's so sweet.

Listen to the howls of laughter as you tell your Marysville friends at 7am that you've got plenty of time to get to Sea-Tac airport for your 10am departure (that's only 45 miles...).

Don't eat anything described as "Chicago-Style". You'll likely vomit and then have a heart attack.

Massachusetts: Don't talk about how much you love the president. Unless you're in Bolton. Most non-AMericans don't anyway :p)

Burn down abandoned buildings in Detroit.Eh. Would anyone notice/care? :pScary movie 4 :D

While in Seattle...

Visit White Center with a sign saying "King County is SUPPOSED to be named after a WHITE guy."

Ask every place you go into that sells fish if they're the guys who throw them. Ask to take pictures.

Try driving the speed limit in Ballard (a cop with the name of Johnsen or Olsen will pull you over and ask "where's the fire?")

Wear a Steelers jersey to a Seahawks game, but only in the cheap seats. The expensive seats are for the wealthy suburbanites from Microsoft who are far too polite.

Walk through Uwajimaya with a shirt that says "Ichiro sucks".

Try to beat the city record for the 100m bum hurdle in Pioneer Square (watch the pergola, dammit).

Walk down Pine Street with a gas mask on and a sign with WTO in a circle and slash on it.

Drive across the I-90 floating bridge while it's undergoing maintenance.

Drive through south Everett with a sign on your car reading "fuck Boeing".

Gay couples! Kiss your lover in the shadow of Mt. Rainier! The folks in Enumclaw will think that's so sweet.

Listen to the howls of laughter as you tell your Marysville friends at 7am that you've got plenty of time to get to Sea-Tac airport for your 10am departure (that's only 45 miles...).

Don't forget wearing a shirt on Capital hill that says "Homo's are Gay".

Drive an imported car in Michigan.

In Miami (South Florida)



Engage in election fraud!


Venture into friendly areas like Liberty City and meet the locals! Night-time excursions recommended!


Tell everyone how much you like the Detriot Pistons over the Miami Heat!


Greet the happy swimmers coming into shore from a long 90 mile swim!


Praise Castro!


Retire: Stay a while, presumably until you die!


Complain to White people (in Spanish) that they don't know Spanish!


Complain to Latinos (in English) that they don't know English!


Come to South Beach and relax naked, even better if you are ugly, fantastic if you are middle-aged or older and simply the best if you are overweight! We love ugly old balding beached whales on our beaches!:)


Don't obey the traffic lights nor the road rules! Don't worry, you'll fit right in with the immigrants!


For some simple and easy fun, get a certified Florida drivers license! Pratically no requirments, incuding actualyl knowing how to drive!


Vote! Who knows, it may even be counted!

The advice most likely to be given is:

"GTFO"

Well, if I was the stereotypical 'USian'.

1. Talk bad about the king, especially pronounce to everyone that you think the king is Gay.

2. Take a unsolicited picture of the King. I tried this and it did not end good.

3. Claim that Western Sahara is not part of Morocco.

4. Yell "where did all these dirty Muslims come from?" while in a crowded market.

5. Piss off the police. -You will have an extended vacation.

6. Claim that Morocco should have never got their independence from France.

7. Ride a camel through the Sahara naked.

The advice most likely to be given is:

"GTFO"

Well, if I was the stereotypical 'USian'.

Do not talk to any half-wit that says 'USian'.

While in Boston:
Wear a Yankees hat
Let everyone know how much more you liked New York City
Pronounce "Worcester" as "Wor-Chester"
Quack at locals while you're on the duck tour
Walk at a leisurly pace
Drive following "conventional" rules
If visiting on St. Patricks day, wear lots of orange, especially in Southie.
Complain about how the entire city is shut down on a random monday, and about how many drunk people there are (Patriots day/marathon monday)
Go to BU and tell everyone that BC is better.
Go to BC and tell everyone that BU is better.
Go anywhere and tell everyone that Harvard is better.
Talk about "Pahking the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd"

While in Connecticut:
Ask everyone if they own a yatch.
Ask if they live in a mansion
Drive through New Haven, Bridgeport, and Hartford with your windows down and music loud

More for Chicago:
Actually stop when the light is yellow.
Actually follow the speed limit (This is especially true on LSD, or any of the expressways out of the city).
Ask a Sox fan where the Cell is.
Don't pay those kids to watch your car if you park outside the parking lots at the United Center.
Pronounce Illinois with an s at the end.
Get into an argument about how we shouldn't say Chicago when people ask us where we're from.
Speed in Wisconsin and Iowa with Illinois plates on your rental car.
Try to get a Republican elected.
If someone asks how far away something is, give the distance in miles not minutes.
State that something south of I-80 is really a part of Chicago and not "Southern Illinois" no matter how far south it is.
Complain that Garrett's popcorn sucks and how waiting in line for hours for it was not worth it.
Refer to the Marshall Fields on State as Macys.
If something is two miles away, give yourself 10 minutes to drive there.
Assume that the CTA will show up on time according to their own printed schedules.
If in Chicago in the winter, and you see random pieces of furniture in the street, be a good citizen and return said pieces of furniture to the sidewalk.
That's it for now...

Many foreigners are familiar with American tourists who speak loudly and slowly. What the foreigners do not realize is that this method actually works, and they are simply to thick to understand it. When you take a trip to the US, be sure to do this in your native language. Any intelligent American will be able to understand you.

For New York

>> Play chicken with the yellow cab drivers [don't worry they'll stop...maybe]
>> Curse out FDNY at Ground Zero [because savage beatings entertain millions]
>> Smoke in restuarants and bars
>> Call Staten Island part of NYC / NJ [depending on borough location because let's face it, it's NJ]
>> Say NJ is better than NY
>> Speed and try to outrun "Highway One"

Turists are just a short step from turrurists.

While in Boston:
Wear a Yankees hat
Let everyone know how much more you liked New York City
Pronounce "Worcester" as "Wor-Chester"
Quack at locals while you're on the duck tour
Walk at a leisurly pace
Drive following "conventional" rules
If visiting on St. Patricks day, wear lots of orange, especially in Southie.
Complain about how the entire city is shut down on a random monday, and about how many drunk people there are (Patriots day/marathon monday)
Go to BU and tell everyone that BC is better.
Go to BC and tell everyone that BU is better.
Go anywhere and tell everyone that Harvard is better.
Talk about "Pahking the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd"

While in Connecticut:
Ask everyone if they own a yatch.
Ask if they live in a mansion
Drive through New Haven, Bridgeport, and Hartford with your windows down and music loud

I would never.
Walk? In Boston? You can fuck off right now, buddy.
Drive? In Boston? You can fuck off right now, buddy.
.. you have that shirt.

They don't?
They don't?

Many foreigners are familiar with American tourists who speak loudly and slowly. What the foreigners do not realize is that this method actually works, and they are simply to thick to understand it. When you take a trip to the US, be sure to do this in your native language. Any intelligent American will be able to understand you.

Funny enough.....

I was racing though the subway station at 34th Street in Manhattan, which has multiple levels and a too damned many train lines running through it.

A lady stopped me and asked me if the N train was on the platform I was currently on, and I explained no, she had to go up the stairs, cross over, and go down two flights to get to it.

She said thanks and started off... and it was about then that we started laughing as it hit both of us that she'd ASKED in Spanish, I'd ANSWERED in English, and we'd understood each other perfectly well.

>> Smoke in restuarants and bars

I thought everyone in NYC smoked?

For New York

>> Play chicken with the yellow cab drivers [don't worry they'll stop...maybe]
>> Curse out FDNY at Ground Zero
>> [B]Smoke in restuarants and bars
>> Call Staten Island part of NYC / NJ [depending on borough location because let's face it, it's NJ]
>> Say NJ is better than NY
>> Speed and try to outrun "Highway One"

Is smoking illegal in new york?

Smoking is illegal in public buildings.

Smoking is illegal in public buildings.

That's crazy!

While in Boston:
Wear a Yankees hat
Let everyone know how much more you liked New York City
Pronounce "Worcester" as "Wor-Chester"
Quack at locals while you're on the duck tour
Walk at a leisurly pace
Drive following "conventional" rules
If visiting on St. Patricks day, wear lots of orange, especially in Southie.
Complain about how the entire city is shut down on a random monday, and about how many drunk people there are (Patriots day/marathon monday)
Go to BU and tell everyone that BC is better.
Go to BC and tell everyone that BU is better.
Go anywhere and tell everyone that Harvard is better.
Talk about "Pahking the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd"

While in Connecticut:
Ask everyone if they own a yatch.
Ask if they live in a mansion
Drive through New Haven, Bridgeport, and Hartford with your windows down and music loud

Which wouldn't be a lie.

That's crazy!

You don't know how lucky you are....substituting 'crazy' for 'madness'.

This is Americaaa!!

You don't know how lucky you are....substituting 'crazy' for 'madness'.

This is Americaaa!!

TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!

HELLO HELL RESTAURANT!!!! RESERVATIONS FOR 300 (MILLION!)!!!!!!!!!

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g296/edge06/comment/fc/fc064.jpg

While in Compton, try to sell some expensive jewelry to the locals and if they won't buy it, ask them why they are acting so niggardly.

That's crazy!

For the most part it isn't bad but to tell patrons they can't smoke in a bar that's just stupid. Sure it's a great environment without the smoke clouds (which I hate) but c'mon bars and smoking and drinking yeah it all fits finely together!

* Go around Hackensack with some $1 bills noticeably hanging out of your pocket
* Go swimming in the Oradell Resevoir
* Wear all red clothing in Englewood's side streets
* Take a nap on an NJTransit Bus
* Paint "CSX" onto your car window and drive around North Jersey honking your car horn.

For the most part it isn't bad but to tell patrons they can't smoke in a bar that's just stupid. Sure it's a great environment without the smoke clouds (which I hate) but c'mon bars and smoking and drinking yeah it all fits finely together!

I love ash in my ale. :)

For New York

>> Play chicken with the yellow cab drivers [don't worry they'll stop...maybe]
>> Curse out FDNY at Ground Zero
>> Smoke in restuarants and bars
>> Call Staten Island part of NYC / NJ [depending on borough location because let's face it, it's NJ]
>> [B]Say NJ is better than NY
>> Speed and try to outrun "Highway One"

Because it is.

For Oklahoma City

*wear a Texas jersey and hat wherever you go! (http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hYCD4Gu5sgpDRm3qzPcAyhDNNLDQ) Repeatedly say "Hook 'Em Horns".

* go to the local steak house that is in the center of the stock yards, tell them you are a vegetarian. (http://www.cattlemensrestaurant.com/)

* homophobes feel at home at the Habana Inn, stay there!
(http://www.habanainn.com/habanainn-1.html)

:p

More for Chicago:
...
Actually follow the speed limit (This is especially true on LSD, or any of the expressways out of the city).

dude, growing up in chicago fucked up my driving for all the other states i've lived in. like i was driving way slower than i felt was right for the conditions in idaho and i was still the fastest car on the road by far. at least michigan has ridiculously high speed limits, even if lots of people drive 20-30 under them.

In Florida go to the beach and use tanning oil.

Also make right hand turns from the left lane when driving and vice versa.

Drive the posted speed limits in construction zones on the highway.

Go swimming in Lake Okeechobee at night.

Pretend your the croc hunter and try to catch an alligator.

Go to the Florida Keys and ask which way to the beach.

I would never.Good.
Walk? In Boston? You can fuck off right now, buddy.Well, it IS America's Walking City
Drive? In Boston? You can fuck off right now, buddy.Oh come on, it's fun and creative!
.. you have that shirt.I just lost respect for myself.

They don't?
They don't?Well, we do. We just don't like to talk about it.

Which wouldn't be a lie.

*throws down stairs*

Wow these are better than mine

More for Chicago:

Ask a Sox fan where the Cell is. If I'm the one you ask, then I'll lynch you
Don't pay those kids to watch your car if you park outside the parking lots at the United Center. LOL!!! This is why I don't drive to Bulls games

Speed in Wisconsin and Iowa with Illinois plates on your rental car. They'll pull you over if you're going the limit. Especially if you're near Green Bay.
Try to get a Republican elected. Given how much Blago and Madigan have fucked up, this doesn't seem like such a bad idea. At least Ryan passed a budget.
If someone asks how far away something is, give the distance in miles not minutes. You can also call the various expressways by their signed names (I-94, I-90 etc instead of Edens, Ryan, Kennedy, Stevenson, etc).
Refer to the Marshall Fields on State as Macys. That will get you killed!

If in Chicago in the winter, and you see random pieces of furniture in the street, be a good citizen and return said pieces of furniture to the sidewalk.
That last one had me on the floor. If the resident who put that furniture there catches you, then you will be dead in a few seconds.

dude, growing up in chicago fucked up my driving for all the other states i've lived in. like i was driving way slower than i felt was right for the conditions in idaho and i was still the fastest car on the road by far. at least michigan has ridiculously high speed limits, even if lots of people drive 20-30 under them.

If you are not going 90 mph where I live then get off the road. ;)

There is no place important to go in Idaho btw. That is why people drive like a grandma.

Is smoking illegal in new york?

Not smoking is illegal.

Be sure to visit LA. They'll treat you like a King there!

dude, growing up in chicago fucked up my driving for all the other states i've lived in. like i was driving way slower than i felt was right for the conditions in idaho and i was still the fastest car on the road by far. at least michigan has ridiculously high speed limits, even if lots of people drive 20-30 under them.
I still like my advise for people to floor it when they enter the S-curve. I want to see northbound cars flying into the lake!

Oh and one last piece of advice (Seriously do this one, it's fun and I've done it before)

Go to Billygoat Tavern (S Michigan just north of the river) and order a Hamburger, fries, and a pepsi. Those of you who have seen old school SNL will instantly recognize where Belushi got his inspiration for one of his skits.

Be sure to visit LA. They'll treat you like a King there!

Of course make sure you wear the obligatory "Rodney King deserved his beating"/ "I heart LAPD" on the back. T-shirt.

Advise for boaters on the Great Lakes

Avoid the traffic, go boating in November once the lakers put up for the season
Try to ride the wake of the Paul R. Tregurtha, she only weights 78,000 long tons
Don't bother following the Welland Canal signs. The canal is a tourist trap. Just follow the Niagara River downstream and enjoy the ride. You'll hit Lake Ontario eventually.
Get a close look at the pictured rocks
Sail under the Mackinaw Bridge topless and draw attention from the traffic above
Take a piss in the water over the spot where the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald lies
Try to squeeze into the Poe lock with one of the 1000 footers
When you go out in November, make sure you spend that time on Superior
Don't be afraid to drink from Lake Erie.
Ditto for the Cuyahoga River.
Light a match when you're on the Cuyahoga River


That's all I can think of for now.

They'll pull you over if you're going the limit. Especially if you're near Green Bay.

you know, i lived in wisconsin for like 6 years with il plates and somehow managed to avoid this aspect of fibdom

Good.
Well, we do. We just don't like to talk about it.


Well, maybe you do.

There are some of us who don't live in Fairfield or Litchfield county ... or the Amity towns ... or Glastonbury ... or Tolland ... or Farmington ... or Simsbury ... ah hell, I probably should have named the places in Connecticut that actually suck. It's much shorter.

*throws down stairs*

* grabs part of your clothing and takes you with me and then pummels ya at the bottom and stuffs Yankee shirt in your mouth

:)

While in Compton, try to sell some expensive jewelry to the locals and if they won't buy it, ask them why they are acting so niggardly.

My friend lives in HP, there's not enough black people left in Compton for that to be funny (anymore), the Mexicans will just look at you funny for talking in English. ;)

That last one had me on the floor. If the resident who put that furniture there catches you, then you will be dead in a few seconds.

OK, clue in the NYer -- why would people put furniture in the middle of the street?

Good.
Well, it IS America's Walking City
Oh come on, it's fun and creative!
I just lost respect for myself.

Well, we do. We just don't like to talk about it.

Absolutely.
There are too many hills!
More like deadly.
To be honest, you haven't worn it in years.

Filthy tax evaders.

In North Carolina:

Say that Ohio should be called the "Birth Place of Aviation (or powered flight.)"
Say that Jeff Gordan is better than Dale Earnhardt Sr.
Say that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is just an average driver
Go to the Appalachian mountains and call them hills instead of mountains.
Tell us that we're actually a Northern state, and not a Southern one.
That the Atlanta Falcons are better than the Carolina Panthers
Cheer for the Atlanta Falcons during Panthers home games, and I mean just go all out with it.

That's all I have for now.

Well, maybe you do.

There are some of us who don't live in Fairfield or Litchfield county ... or the Amity towns ... or Glastonbury ... or Tolland ... or Farmington ... or Simsbury ... ah hell, I probably should have named the places in Connecticut that actually suck. It's much shorter.
*was joking*
* grabs part of your clothing and takes you with me and then pummels ya at the bottom and stuffs Yankee shirt in your mouth

:)
*was naked...*
Absolutely.Quite.
There are too many hills!Oh please. They even bulldozed 2 and a half of the original 3 hills to create my part of the city
More like deadly.There's a difference?
To be honest, you haven't worn it in years.
Then I suppose I may live.
Filthy tax evaders.
Hey now, play nice. Some of us are just standard capitalist scum.

*was joking*


Fully aware.

At the same time, it is funny as to how many parts of Connecticut can actually be considered working class or poor.

For Kansas City:

- Don't bother with a car! Walking and public transportation can take you anywhere you want to go.
- Do as much of your shopping as possible on the Plaza and at Crown Center. Things there are very reasonably priced.
- Prospect Avenue is a great road to walk down if you want to make new friends!
- Remember, Kansas City is entirely in Kansas. Make sure to correct anyone who claims otherwise.
- Also, make sure to tell everyone you meet about how the Midwest is "flyover territory." Midwesterners never cease to find this funny.
- Let everyone know that the best barbecue comes from Texas or Tennessee. Kansas Citians will all appreciate your opinion on this subject.
- Be sure to be vocal about your political opinions. Whatever they are, approximately 50% of the city will agree with you!

For Missouri as a whole:

- Talk about what great teams KU has.

For Kansas as a whole:

- Talk about what great teams MU has.

For pretty much anywhere in New England:

- Tell everyone you meet about your hatred for gays, feminists, and liberals in general.
- Claim that apple cider doughnuts are gross, that candle-pin bowling is stupid, and that states take at least four or five hours to cross before they can be considered "real" states.
- Wear a Yankees hat.

For New Jersey:

- Make sure to visit new Jersey in the first place! It's a great state!
- While there, be sure to check out scenic Newark and the Oranges. They're lovely, especially late at night!

For NYC:

- Go out of your way to walk, talk, and think slowly. New Yorkers really appreciate people who take their time about things.

Funny enough.....

I was racing though the subway station at 34th Street in Manhattan, which has multiple levels and a too damned many train lines running through it.

A lady stopped me and asked me if the N train was on the platform I was currently on, and I explained no, she had to go up the stairs, cross over, and go down two flights to get to it.

She said thanks and started off... and it was about then that we started laughing as it hit both of us that she'd ASKED in Spanish, I'd ANSWERED in English, and we'd understood each other perfectly well.

Same thing happened to me and a Japanese tourist. :p


hmm... Hawaii...


Tour beautiful Kalihi at night.
Go to Haleakala and make a lei using the leaves of the Silver Sword plant.
Order Fresh Roasted Nene (Goose)
While hiking, feel free to collect any rocks you find. The Locals collect the rocks and form loose walls so the tourists have easy access to them.
Play with the many marine life you see. Dolphins, Sea Lions, Turtles... you can even swim with the whales.
Fugu is delicious. feel free to catch and eat any you find.
Nevermind the Sunblock, Hawaiian sunlight isn't dangerous.
While Visiting the Big Island, feel free to collect as many volcanic rocks you can carry.
Swim in our beautiful Ala Wai Canal!
Surf the North Shore during the winter months... don't know how to surf? no problem!
When entering a home, don't take your shoes off. That's disrespectful.
Uncooked Taro Root is delicious.

dude, growing up in chicago fucked up my driving for all the other states i've lived in. like i was driving way slower than i felt was right for the conditions in idaho and i was still the fastest car on the road by far. at least michigan has ridiculously high speed limits, even if lots of people drive 20-30 under them.

Wait, are you saying that in other places people don't drive at least 5 over with most going faster? Because if that's not true then I am screwed once I leave Chicago.

For pretty much anywhere in New England:

- Tell everyone you meet about your hatred for gays, feminists, and liberals in general.
- Claim that apple cider doughnuts are gross, that candle-pin bowling is stupid, and that states take at least four or five hours to cross before they can be considered "real" states.
- Wear a Yankees hat.

:eek:
YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!

:p
Fully aware.

At the same time, it is funny as to how many parts of Connecticut can actually be considered working class or poor.
We've been trying to ship them to Jersey for years...bastards just won't leave.

Arizona:

Loudly declare your contempt for astrology and crystals in Sedona.

Hawk a loogie off the Grand Canyon sky bridge.

Extol the virtues of Jane Fonda to huge biker dudes during the Hog in Williams. And then tell them that Bud Light's for girls.

We've been trying to ship them to Jersey for years...bastards just won't leave.


Pft. We don't want 'em. Send them to Delaware or something.

OK, clue in the NYer -- why would people put furniture in the middle of the street?

To reserve their parking spot outside their building.

To reserve their parking spot outside their building.

Ahhhh. We have idiots who put their garbage cans in spots for that reason.....

...the cans usually end up halfway down the street with big dents in them. ;)

On street parking should be banned in new york city. It is far too congested.

Wait, are you saying that in other places people don't drive at least 5 over with most going faster? Because if that's not true then I am screwed once I leave Chicago.
That's standard in Michigan too. Although you have to be REALLY careful because the police have to write tickets or else they don't get paid. Also, beware construction season... which lasts pretty much all year.


Anyway... In Michigan:

- Make sure you travel the streets of Detroit alone at night.

- It is perfectly acceptable to talk about how much better Ohio is.

- Loudly proclaim that you are a member of the religious right while visiting Ann Arbor.

- Also in Ann Arbor, do not stop at cross walks. The students always wait for the cars.

- Park in University lots without a permit. They never check them.

- The best time to travel on I-94 and I-75 is around 4-6 pm.

- Drive the speed limit in the far left lane on the previously stated interstates. Make sure to go the speed limit on the Southfield Freeway.

- When in Dearborn, make sure you remark how all the Muslims are terrorists.

- Praise Jennifer Granholm.

- Be sure to mention how awesome the Cleveland Indians are when visiting Comerica Park.

- Tell us we're practically Canadian. We think it's endearing.

- Complain loudly about the weather, roads, and rudeness of people. It ingratiates you with your host.

- Say you prefer Wal-Mart over Meijer.

- Also, make sure to tell everyone you meet about how the Midwest is "flyover territory." Midwesterners never cease to find this funny.

Since when did we get Kansas city? http://209.85.12.231/11055/49/emo/blink.gif

- Tell us we're practically Canadian. We think it's endearing.

...we kinda are...

You're welcome to join us, Canada welcomes the Province of Michigan. :)

Don't forget wearing a shirt on Capital hill that says "Homo's are Gay".

Oh, sorry. It's Capitol Hill, and "Homos" is plural and doesn't need an apostrophe.

Meanwhile, back in Seattle:

- Ask anyone you meet why they're not unshaven and wearing flannel.
- Assume everyone is heterosexual and loves coffee.
- Ride one of our lovely ferries! They're there only for tourists and are practically empty between 6-9am and 3-7pm.
- Go to the Experience Music Project and make fun of either the architecture or Jimi Hendrix.
- That scantily-dressed woman on 1st Ave. after midnight is SO flirting with you. Go talk to her, stud.
- Go see an "independent" film at Seattle's legendary Lusty Lady Theater.
- For a cheap meal, go to McCormick & Schmick's, Cutter's Bayhouse, Wild Ginger or Daniel's Broiler. Top it off with inexpensive martinis at Tini Bigs.

While in Boston:
Wear a Yankees hat
Let everyone know how much more you liked New York City
Pronounce "Worcester" as "Wor-Chester"
Quack at locals while you're on the duck tour
Walk at a leisurly pace
Drive following "conventional" rules
If visiting on St. Patricks day, wear lots of orange, especially in Southie.
Complain about how the entire city is shut down on a random monday, and about how many drunk people there are (Patriots day/marathon monday)
Go to BU and tell everyone that BC is better.
Go to BC and tell everyone that BU is better.
Go anywhere and tell everyone that Harvard is better.
Talk about "Pahking the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd"

While in Connecticut:
Ask everyone if they own a yatch.
Ask if they live in a mansion
Drive through New Haven, Bridgeport, and Hartford with your windows down and music loud

Aw, hell -- you have those too?

A what?

Funny enough.....

I was racing though the subway station at 34th Street in Manhattan, which has multiple levels and a too damned many train lines running through it.

A lady stopped me and asked me if the N train was on the platform I was currently on, and I explained no, she had to go up the stairs, cross over, and go down two flights to get to it.

She said thanks and started off... and it was about then that we started laughing as it hit both of us that she'd ASKED in Spanish, I'd ANSWERED in English, and we'd understood each other perfectly well.

That's why NYC rules.

If you are not going 90 mph where I live then get off the road. ;)

There is no place important to go in Idaho btw. That is why people drive like a grandma.

You've never been there, then. Some of the best jazz you'll ever hear is in Boise. Idaho is a lovely state.

Advise for boaters on the Great Lakes

Avoid the traffic, go boating in November once the lakers put up for the season

...and who needs life vests, flares or a radio?

Try to ride the wake of the Paul R. Tregurtha, she only weights 78,000 long tons
Don't bother following the Welland Canal signs. The canal is a tourist trap. Just follow the Niagara River downstream and enjoy the ride. You'll hit Lake Ontario eventually.
Get a close look at the pictured rocks
Sail under the Mackinaw Bridge topless and draw attention from the traffic above
Take a piss in the water over the spot where the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald lies

...and ask locals who that guy is, anyway.

Try to squeeze into the Poe lock with one of the 1000 footers
When you go out in November, make sure you spend that time on Superior

...while humming Gordon Lightfoot.

Don't be afraid to drink from Lake Erie.
Ditto for the Cuyahoga River.
Light a match when you're on the Cuyahoga River


That's all I can think of for now.

All good stuff, man. I was a kid in MI. My parents bleed Green & White.

OK, clue in the NYer -- why would people put furniture in the middle of the street?

It's been answered, but I'll do it, too -- parking reservation.

On street parking should be banned in new york city. It is far too congested.

Then you've got tons of people who can't park, period, because there aren't enough garages or driveways.

Better than people who are from outside the city don't bring their cars in. (I don't when I am going to Manhattan -- I use public transportation.)

In Las Vegas:

-Try to walk as a pedestrian across the strip.
-Complain why Las Vegas has no sports teams.
-Call gambling immoral.
-Make fun of the Hoover Dam.
-Say 'Why is it so Goddamn hot here?!'
-Count cards.
-Cheat.
-Come to 'Win it Big'.
-Complain when you don't 'Win it Big'.
-Try to raise taxes.

*was naked...*

Wow that really sucks for you because you're still at the bottom of the stairs and now you've got much bigger problems than before. I fight dirty.

For NYC:

- Go out of your way to walk, talk, and think slowly. New Yorkers really appreciate people who take their time about things.

Actually ask any New Yorker directions and most of them will stop and tell you where. What we hate is when slow people act stupidly and for instance take up a whole sidewalk or two stupid people taking up both lanes and what not. We usually just go around you but if we can't then we get PO'd.

On street parking should be banned in new york city. It is far too congested.

Kat please allow me to unleash on this guy!

Then you've got tons of people who can't park, period, because there aren't enough garages or driveways.

Better than people who are from outside the city don't bring their cars in. (I don't when I am going to Manhattan -- I use public transportation.)

It's all about the 6 train in and out and will someone BAN New Jersey cars from Manhattan!??!?!

Tips for traveling in the South:

Every time you make a stop, ask someone who looks local why there are so many black people. The farther you go, the more, er, "interesting" the responses will be.
If you visit a Civil War battlefield, every time the guide says something ingenious the Confederacy did, be sure to shake you head and chuckle as you say, "And yet they still lost."
Wear a Yankees hat.
Since around the 1960s, most of the South has consistently voted Republican, but before then it was a Democratic stronghold. Ask why so many kept voting for the wrong party for so long.
Suggest, somehow, that claiming a legacy of racism, anti-progressivism, and obstinance is not really something to be proud of.
In South Carolina, there is a college called Bob Jones University. Don't go near here. I'm not joking anymore, just trust me: stay far, far away.

- Say you prefer Wal-Mart over Meijer.

HERESY!

Tips for traveling in the South:

Every time you make a stop, ask someone who looks local why there are so many black people. The farther you go, the more, er, "interesting" the responses will be.
If you visit a Civil War battlefield, every time the guide says something ingenious the Confederacy did, be sure to shake you head and chuckle as you say, "And yet they still lost."
Wear a Yankees hat.
Since around the 1960s, most of the South has consistently voted Republican, but before then it was a Democratic stronghold. Ask why so many kept voting for the wrong party for so long.
Suggest, somehow, that claiming a legacy of racism, anti-progressivism, and obstinance is not really something to be proud of.
In South Carolina, there is a college called Bob Jones University. Don't go near here. I'm not joking anymore, just trust me: stay far, far away.


Just insist that Grant was a better general
Remind them who won the Civil War

just be sure to have kevelar when this happens.

For a fun time, try wearing Red Wings gear in a Denver sports bar!

Done it.

Drive an imported car in Michigan.

Do it.

- It is perfectly acceptable to talk about how much better Ohio is.

I just got back from drill at Camp Grayling (it's a long story I'd rather not go into to, NSG regulars) and since our unit is attached to a brigade from Ohio we spent much of our drill talking about how much we hate Ohio (and Indiana since they were there, fucking everything up). I'm still pissed that the post took down the Michigan flags lining the gate because Indiana had come up to train. If anything, we should have put more up. When we deploy I hope they keep the Michigan and Ohio units far away from each other, especially during football season. If they don't, the Military Police will be quite busy.

- Tell us we're practically Canadian. We think it's endearing.

What Dinaverg said. We don't like to hear it because it's far too close to the truth.

- Say you prefer Wal-Mart over Meijer.

Don't you mean "Meijer's"?

;)

- Praise Jennifer Granholm.

I spent the last two weeks doing so (at least in comparison to DeVos) to a group of Guardsmen largely from West Michigan. Of course, they know I'm a socialist so they take what I say on political matters with a grain of salt.

:eek:
YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!


Heh, don't worry, I'm quite fond of both. :p

In Washington, DC

- Come visit in August, bring the family, and walk from the Lincoln Memorial to the Capitol in the middle of the day.
- Scale the White House fence, for fun. The Secret Service guys have a great sense of humor.
- Adopt the driving habits of foreign diplomats. The most considerate drivers are the ones with diplomatic plates.
-Adopt the driving habits of Marylanders. They're almost as beloved on the roads as diplomats.
- Stage a pro/anti war/terrorism/Israel/Cuba/taxes/World Bank etc. protest on the Mall on a weekday and tie up traffic for commuters. Wonder why the locals don't welcome your cause.
-Drive to the Tidal Basin during the Cherry Blossom Festival and try to find parking.
-Go to the Prime Rib in jeans and a t-shirt.

In Washington, DC

- Come visit in August, bring the family, and walk from the Lincoln Memorial to the Capitol in the middle of the day.


Done it. But in July. (And April)

Don't you mean "Meijer's"?

;)

i refuse to recognize their lack of a possessive

i refuse to recognize their lack of a possessive

Things are never what they seem.

Oh, and were you one of those arrested over the weekend? Because when the ELPD said that 30 some people got arrested, I instantly thought of you.

Oh, and were you one of those arrested over the weekend? Because when the ELPD said that 30 some people got arrested, I instantly thought of you.

heh, nah i was safely stored in wisconsin this weekend

heh, nah i was safely stored in wisconsin this weekend

Good, lest you be Tased, bro.